Real Sexy Directors' Editions

Our fav little 16 yo weird-nosed cokehead Drew Barrymore, and 16 yo trailer trash Sara Gilbert star in this first installation of the seductive series that gets my slit started like a slutty inverted sausage on Oktoberfest. This movie is all about teenaged bad girls, and horny middle-aged daddies. We find out that Drew likes Sarah's daddy, and wants to replace the suicidal mommy, but when Sara walks in on doggy-style standing up sex with dear old dad, she gets jello like there's no tomorrow. Someone has to die at this point, butt I don't wanna ruin the super-sticky ending. Bam!

We all know Clarissa had to grow up sometime, so even though she had just turned 18, Melissa Joan Hart plays a sweet little blonde who has just turned sweet 16. And what a sweet body she has in this Showtime television movie. Apparently, when a witch turns 16, she comes into her powers, and can manipulate people and events whenever she wants. This is girl-power baby! Another thing worth mentioning, is that our MJH's butt was in nearly full effect at age 18, but her bam-bam boozies weren't even close to being fully developed. You'll have to watch season 1 and 2 of Sabrina the television series to watch this witchs' body turn into a real woman. Don't think that girls do not develop after age 18. All girls have that moment when we think that our mosquito bites may never develop into a handful, and when it happens that is when we finally put out. This is yet another example on this movie list that proves that a girl can still develop boobies up to the age of 21. Big ole' boobies, a flat stomach, and a ass that I would kill to squeeze is what Sabrina is all about. Don't miss the infamous pool party bikini scene, and the dressing room bikini changing montage with her slightly less hot Jew friend which really starts the g-juices flowin'. Oh Melissa, we share the same name and we must have so much more in common. Please hit me up for a date, and I will take you to Heaven and back baby. You don't need no man after you meet my techniques hun. Bam!

Alicia Silverstone trots out her infamous pouty lip in this sexy teen-tramp film about a self-absorbed hottie with the million dollar body who needs to get off any which way butt loose. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing loose on that body. At 18, Alicia really knows how to please my P when she talks about putting things in her mouth to make sure that boys think about sex. Cher is dumb as hell, but stays sizzling hot in her super-tight preppy-clothes for the hole damn movie. Don't worry, Amanda Seyfried and Brittany Murphy join the gorgeous gina-clan, so we can watch all three of their young beautiful bodies walk around on screen for 97 minutes. Oh Alicia, why won't you return my nasty twitter tweets anymore? This is an 8 star ovary box-office blowout. Bam!

OMG LOL, we all got to see little Miriam McDonald (13-20 yo) grow up on "Degrassi: The Next Generation", where she takes girl power to a whole new level by associating girl-power with stripping nude in front of the entire class to protest an energy drink, bj's in a stranger's van, hj's in the school parking lot, and getting mad at your step-dad for not staring at your boobs when you get out of the shower. I love the neo-feminist movement, as long as it gets the job done. Now, Miriam is 20 years old in this mature mov, and she has no problem getting used and penetrated by a penis while she shows us her fully developed natural watermelons. Old McDonald had a farm and clit-flick is her Name-O. This big breasted hottie nearly gave me blue-ovaries until I finger-slapped my sloppy slit for seven minutes during the sex scene. I was so worn out, I let my right middle finger stay in there baking like a Thanksgiving turkey for 2 about hours until I was able to finally take a shower and clean off all the plum juice. Bam!

You know what I don't hate about you? A hot, blonde, 17 yo Julia Stiles dancing around drunk and all horned up on a table after a few douche bags feed her free alcohol in exchange for her firm boobie hugs and hj's at an out of control high-school party. Don't forget the barely budding boobs of 16 yo Larisa Oleynik whose hoo-hoo cannot wait to be discovered on her first date. Sure, it's a take-off from Shake-His-Spear's "The Taming Of The Shrew", but don't forget, this mov is more about white alabaster mounds than it is about Iambic Pentameter. Does anyone else appreciate when hot daughters lie to daddy? I turned lying to daddy into an art form, and have written several hot books on the subject. Guess who plays dear ole dad? The dad from "Clueless" (Dan Hedaya). I guess he jumps at the chance to play the father who cannot pick the forbidden fruit of his coming of age daughters. We all know that bald, middle-aged, overweight men have a weakness for the woo-tang clan; butt this time his will is strong, and nothing happens, so mommy does not divorce daddy. There are way too many Italian stallions in this thing, but we will forgive this 1999 oversight for the moment. What does my snatch hate about this movie...nothing!

Cute little Debby Ryan actually is 16 in this movie about a sweet 16 party that has magical repercussions. You know what else has the number 16 concerning this movie? The 16 red candles that I lit during this movie while I went all naughty in my bedroom under the covers. Those tight little teen outfits in this movie just did it for me. This flick did the trick 16 times before my little brother almost walked in on me and I had to quit.

Olivia Alaina May has a super-tight, 18 yo virgin vagina that needs to get overrun like the Visigoths ravaged Rome. One suggestion Olivia, shave the V of that barely legal love tunnel before a potential bf puts his spicy Italian sausage in your untouched hot dog warmer. Don't miss the gamer girl scene just a few minutes in where she bends over and shows us that upside down heart shaped hiney we all wish our gf's had. Shhhh, don't let your chubby wife bust you reading this list. Those fatties will divorce you in 2 minutes when they catch you texting me. Don't blame me when your crappy relationship runs ashore bc I really get a chance to turn you on. There's nothing wrong with a married man sexting a single girl. It's completely natural, just like Olivia Alaina's boobs.

This Cinderella story is all about Hilary's Duff walking around for us to judge. We all know that 16 yo Hilary is in her prime in 2004, and has a duff that just won't quit. Don't worry, you will have the opportunity to see her bend over in tight pants and see some downblouse action to beat the boner band. Don't feel guilty, she's in her twenties now, and has made millions off of many of us who have gotten off. Check out those recent pics on google of her in yoga pants. It nearly made my head explode.

Our dirty little braided schoolgirl Ashley Henshaw is a 22 yo hottie who plays a teen that Heather Graham just can't get enough of. Big ole' down syndrome forehead Heather tells her that her body is a work of art. You know what else is a work of art? My opening flower when Trashley Henshaw shows us the nip nips and a little drippy drip comes out into my white cotton panties. It's ok, girl jizz is white, and we all know that white is all-right. This movie is all about Cherry, and my cherry is all about this movie. Bam!

After her nude debut in Prozac Nation, Christina Ricci just didn't get enough exhibitionism out of her system, so this time she goes full frontal and full bubble butt nudity in this drama/suspense. We all know our cute little Chrissy loves to play the dark, creepy and sarcastic goth girl...butt this time she has gone way too far. About halfway through the film, she gets all-out nakey and her clothes stay off for the rest of this raunchy romp. The old mortician man cannot stop thinking about her bouncy body, and what a body it is! No stunt-butts here my friends. I knew she had a rack, but who knew she had a full-on 100% hourglass body that just won't quit? Did you know that only 15% of girls have an hourglass body? This is why this naughty nubile gets a 10 star nipple-tingling rating from this labia lover. At 29, she's tipping the scales at nearly too old for a woman to be naked on film, butt go ahead and give it a go. My 'gina thanked me with a nice little splish-splash before the credits rolled out. Bam!

What is this movie all about? Teenage girl bodies in tight as hell volleyball outfits. Once you start watching the flick, all you've got is a tingly V or a manbone that is just waiting to be relieved. Turn down the lights, get under the covers, light 7 candles, and get your mound-motor running until the job gets done. Adrienne Bailon and Sarah Wright are both 23 yo here, and they show us just how far girl power can go. They take volleyball playing to a whole new level when they learn that butts and legs get sculpted to perfection when they work out every day and stop eating like greedy cows. We can all take a lesson from this mov and learn to be hotter than bacon grease if we will just stop eating and let those calories out into the restaurant toilet once in a while. There is nothing wrong with it as long as the stomach is flat and the body is tight. Go team!

My pie tingles every time I watch this flirty flick on my fallopian tube. Our cute little firecrotch Alyson Hannigan is a tight bodied 22 yo when she reveals that she likes to insert a silver plated flute into her eagerly awaiting love pudding each summer at high school band camp. Super-tramp Tara Reid is a slightly older 23 yo who is playing an iron-box virgin who won't give it up to her sackless effiminate bf. Don't worry, we've got a true teen in this pie; the cute lil' 18 yo Mena Suvari with her petite body and little perky boobs that just won't quit. Please do not forget 19 yo Natasha Lyonne who was offered the part on Dawson's Creek that Katie Holmes played. Guess what, she said she didn't want to be on a television show bc it might restrict her movie career. What a dumb bitch...when was the last time you saw Natasha in a movie? This teen sex mov is all about losing your virginity inside of a hot teenage girl's jizztrap and not pulling out even if you promise her that you will. We all know that boys lie to get girls to lie on their backs.

The main thing to remember about this twat tingling flickity flick, is that the pies in American Pie 2 are two years older. We must be careful in our judgment here. We don't want no saggy pies. Alyson Hannigan brings her A-cup game into this one, and sluts it up like her daddy taught her when she was going through the awkward years. Tara Reid stays slutty, and it is just impossible to stop looking into her bright blue Aryan eyes no matter how old she is. Do not forget to check out 20 yo Mena Suvari's butt that just got bigger this year because her body is still developing. Let's face it, many girls are not done developing their bodies until they hit 20 or 21 yo. Shannon Elizabeth makes a topless debut, which resulted in my g-spot making a gooey debut when I watched the webcam scene. What will this movie do to your pie while you watch it? I don't know, but I can tell you that it Americanized me. Bam!

A blonde, innocent, and very stuck-up 17 yo Sara Paxton stars in this movie about several horny teenage girls who turn into mermaids every time their hot teen bodies get wet...and it seems to happen pretty often in this filthy film. Sure, it may be a rip-off of Splash, but their bodies are much tighter and younger than Daryl Hannah's 23 yo body. Is it inappropriate to call this one Scale-Bait? Bam!

23 yo Jeneta St. Clair, 21 yo Lisa Younger, and 22 yo Melissa Johnston are all playing 18 yo barely legal bitches that need to lose their virginity, so they all decide to do it on the same day. I'm not kidding. This is literally the premise of the movie. Too bad these girls don't swing both ways because they could just do each other with their digits and toys that can easily be ordered from dirty magazines. It's their birthday, but presents aren't the only thing they're unwrapping. Nudity is flying at us left and right as we see titties, twenty year old butts, and even a shot of Melissa Johnston's totally shaved 22 year-old snatch. Because it is shaved, we can see the top of her cute lips just before she slips in to the shower to clean up her slippery slit. Make sure you watch the unrated version so you can see the lezbionic scenes that almost made my mound explode.

Sometimes we just get tired of naked bodies from the planet Earth. If you have ever seen 'Bikini Carwash Company', or 'Bikini Summer', then this is pretty much the same friggin' movie. 25+ breast implanted hoebags dancing around to music on a California beach that comes from nowhere. In this movie, whores from another planet steal daddy's spaceship and land in southern California to dance around and wave their boobies and boxes until some jerkoff slides his American sausage into their alien snootches just to shut them up. They are better off for the experience, and tell daddy all about it when they take the busted up spaceship back home. Daddy eventually says that it is ok, if his daughter's and her 2 friends dance around in bikinis for a few minutes. That is the price they must all pay for intergalactic grand-theft spaceship.

If you like old washed up breast-implanted bikini bimbos, then this is the movie for you. All of my friends are younger and tighter than these leather-faced hags with boobs that look like 2 fried eggs hangin' on a nail. Good luck trying to get a c-bone or d-bone with this one bc there are no teenagers in this movie at all. Boo. Hey, put dem drunk goggles on, and pretend they aren't middle-aged saggy maggies. When I was a very little girl, I used to watch these kind of movies on USA 'Up All Night' where Gilbert Godfried was the host and made sexual pun jokes at every commercial break. I miss that old Heeb. Bam!

A never been touched down there 17 yo Kirsten K. Dunst shows us just how hot her body can get before she's legally allowed to have casual sex in the state of California. What did this flirty flick really bring on? A full-on dripping orgasm after the introductory scene where we are supposed to imagine little Kiki naked in front of the entire school body. We all know Kirsten has finally took the top off in 'Melancholia' and 'All Good Things', so just memorize her older boobs first, and then make her boobs time travel back in your mind to 17 years old. Her little dance did it for me downstairs during the first 5 minutes of this teen cheer mov. Bammo!

OMG, this has got to be one of my favorites TV movies of all time! Our cute little Hilary's Duff is barely 16 yo in this movie about a spacey, schoolgirl outfitted, hippie-headed little boobed blonde who gets shipped off to a military academy after her horny mommy dates a military man. It's ok, because she meets many hotties along the way and eventually learns to fit in after fingering late at night under the covers. You'll have to find the super-rare NC-17 version in Japan to see Hilary's orgasm scene. We all know that Hilary develops her melons and roundy-round at age 18, but we are allowed to check out her tight bod before it fills out. I hope that Hell is not a real place, because watching this movie may actually send me there due to the perverse thoughts which keep entering my mind along with the tingling that cannot be stopped down there. It will probably be worth it in the end... and Hilary's end is so tight at 16, I am willing to chance it.