Neonsamurai Reviews

Blade Runner (1982)

What can be more human than human? Duh?

[4/10 · 7 January 2005]

There's a place in Milton Keynes called 'Blade Runners' and it's an ice skating rink. I really like going there because the changing rooms don't have doors on them and I sometimes wander in and pretend to be from the Ukraine. Of course I'd only wander into the ladies changing room and stay there pretending to be confused until some of the staff came and led me out. Well, I used to do that. Last time I tried it there actually was a girl from the Ukraine, who I think used to be army special forces or something.

Anyway, when I get discharged from hospital the doctors tell me to take it easy for a few days, until the swelling has gone down so I ask my mum to hire out a DVD from the shop for me. But rather than hiring out the film I told her to she decides to ask advice from the old guy Henry who works there. He's had something against me ever since Rufus got stuck down the back of the freezer and destroyed all that ice cream. So Henry being the 'expert' on films that he is tells mum to hire out 'Blade Runner' by Ridley Scott telling her that it's a 'classic'.

Thanks mum! That's not insensitive after what I've been put through! All the horrible memories of the unprovoked attack and the police caution came flooding back when I saw the title of the film. Besides, how many times have I told her to not believe anything Henry says? Especially when he starts by saying "The police came to the shop last night asking about your son…" In 'Blade Runner' Harrison Ford plays Rick Deckard, a man who hunts down robots for a job. That sounds easy doesn't it? Well it's not because these 'replicants' look like people, and he has to use an old projector or something to read their minds, somehow. It seems to take AGES so why not do this instead: Rick Deckard: "Hi. How are you? Would you like a drink of water?" Replicant: "No thanks, I'm not thirsty." Rick Deckard: "That's right! Only humans can get thirsty! Die robot!!" BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! That's much easier than some stupid test and he could kill far more robots that way. His boss would be really pleased I'm sure. I mean, if Rick Deckard sold cars and in one day he sold seven, but there were only four in the shop his boss would be really pleased, just like if there were only four replicants on the loose and Deckard managed to kill eleven.

And whilst we're on the subject of robots looking like people, wouldn't it be easier to make them look a little different? Couldn't they, I dunno, look like George Hamilton or something? That way there'd be no need for the test I just made up and anyone who looked like George Hamilton would be shot. Obviously George Hamilton would have to have plastic surgery to look like someone else, maybe George Lucas. That way when people shouted "Hey George!" he'd know that they were talking to him and look round. If he looked like Bob Hoskins and people shouted "Hey Bob!" he might get confused.

Also, if I brought a robot and it only worked for four years I'd be pretty annoyed. I'll bet they have a program in the future like "Watchdog" over here in the UK. They'd soon have Tyrell on there going on and on about how he was selling robots that only worked for 4 years. If they had him on 'Watchdog' I bet Nicky Campbell would make insulting comments about Tyrell's glasses because they are kind of stupid looking. Surely though another company would make robots that worked for 10 years or something, or until their hair went out of fashion, and then beat the Tyrell Corporation at their own game. And what's with the whole "more human than human" thing anyway? That's a moronic motto. How about "sexy robots that put out"? That'd be a better motto, or maybe "Tyrell don't smell, are bots are hot and we make 'em like George whether you like it or not!" That's decent marketing and in the form of a rap as well to appeal to kids and gangsta's.

After watching this film I can't wait for the future, but I don't think it's a classic, not like the excellent 'Battlefield Earth' or a film I wrote last night. There should have been more emphasis on what pleasure robots like Daryl Hannah get up to and maybe some steamy scenes in a women's changing room. Of course if Henry hadn't offered his 'expert' opinion then those are some of the scenes I could have expected in 'The Erotic Witch Project'.

Neonsamurai Film Score: AAB

The Matrix (1999)

Almost as good as Iron Eagle

[9/10 · 7 January 2005]

Did this film rock or what?!?!?! Other than 'Iron Eagle' this is probably THE best film ever made! Better than 'Deep Rising' and certainly better than 'Prince of Tides' which it turns out is rubbish.

I really hope that what they say in the film about our reality being an illusion is true, because that would totally rock! I can just imagine it, all my convictions and fines disappearing because that was all thought up by some whacked-out X box or something. Actually I really do hope it's real because just look at my name: Neonsamurai. Got that? All right, now read it without the 'nsamurai'. That makes ME 'Neo' or 'The One'. Oh boy am I ever going to kick ass? You wait until the next time I see Derek Palmers! Backflip, punch, head-butt, uppercut! I've already got the cool name, I spend a lot of time on the Internet doing research and when I did have a job I was always late for work. Spooky eh? Plus, can you imagine Morpheus trying to rescue somebody else from the Matrix, such as Dr Stephen Hawking? I can't either. Firstly he hasn't got a cool name like me and secondly I bet he hasn't even watched 'The Matrix' once. I've seen it EIGHT times. You read that right, EIGHT times. Quick question: Hawking vs. me in a fight. Who'd win? Answer: Me! Even if it was a battle of minds, I'd probably still win. Or a game of snap.

What with me being 'The One' I'd probably make Famke Janssen my 'Trinity' as I'm pretty sure that in the battery farm where I'm stored, she's got the pod next to me. That's probably why we have such a close affinity with one another. In fact I'm pretty sure that on the other side of me would be a pod with Nicole Kidman in it, except her brain plugs DON'T WORK PROPERLY AND SHE DOESN'T RETURN MY CALLS! Well guess what Nicole, when I'm flying around beating up 'Agents' and dodging bullets don't expect me to come to your rescue if they try and read you mind with a couple of electric cables. You had your chance and you blew it. So long sister, you're baaaaaad news.

When I was in 'House of Fraiser' in Milton Keynes last week I decided it was time for me to get out of the Matrix and meet up with Morpheus, or whoever it is flying those hovercraft things around the sewers. Well let me tell you something; if you want to leave the Matrix don't try jumping through mirrors in a department store, particularly if the mirrors are in the ladies changing room, and you're being chased by security guards. When I got out of hospital that night I decided to do a search for 'Morpheus' on the Internet, but got bored and instead did more research on women's bodies.

Morpheus, if you're reading this then hurry up and post me a phone to my mum's house as I'm due in court next week on charges of indecent exposure and criminal damage in a department store.

Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)

I am the victim here

[26 October 2004]

It's been ages since I've been to a wedding and I used to quite enjoy them. Unlike most people I try and remember all the good things that happen at weddings, like the great presents that I used to buy, or how good I was at dancing or how I managed to kiss the bride, but every body else seems to want to remember the bad stuff, like how I made that kid cry.

Honestly, you can do about a million great things at weddings and people just forget them, but you punch one toddler and suddenly you're off the invites list. I bet Ghandi must have punched one or two kids in his life, but because he's Ghandi everyone just ignores it and just remembers the 'good' things he did. Like I wasn't happy about what happened, but it was a church wedding and even the vicar was swearing at me. Oh, and apparently I'm the first person to be barred from churches in the Thames Valley area for 80 years. The last guy who was barred in 1924 had '…burning eyes like a snake and a touch as cold as ice'. His representatives managed to get the ban lifted after saying that there was no proof he was Satan and that the decision infringed his civil rights.

What about MY civil rights? Pubs, libraries, Cambridge University, Virgin Airways Flights, 'The Lounge' Nightclub, Aylesbury Civic Centre, The City of Milton Keynes and now all the churches in Buckinghamshire have barred me. Clearly I am the victim in all of this. And what the hell are people doing taking kids to weddings anyway? If you can't be trusted to take a child to a strip show then logic would suggest that at an event when you're not supposed to stare or try and touch the performer (i.e. the Bride) children are unwelcome. If I went and stood in a boxing ring with a toddler on my shoulders and a glancing blow caught it, would it be the boxer's fault. No, it would be my fault for being stupid enough to step into a boxing ring with a child. If it happened I'd be the first to own up and say that I was in the wrong, but according to the Church of England and the kid's parents such an analogy is 'deranged'.

Can you imagine what would have happened if a parent threw their child into a giant fish tank with 'Free Willy' and that stupid orca smacked it with its tail? Do you think people would blame Willy for what happened? No, they'd be all like "oh Willy doesn't know any better", or "he was trying to help the child". Oh yeah sure, whenever he does something clever make out that it's the best thing in the world, but when he does one bad thing, just put it down to low intelligence.

I rate the 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' an average 11 points

The Truman Show (1998)

I'm sick of reality TV. And transvestites.

[25 October 2004]

If everyone has 15 minutes of fame then Truman Burbank has unfairly taken most of mine. He's on TV 24/7 but I think it's waste of time and I could do a better job. If the BBC gave me a video camera I could make them a much better reality show that'd get top ratings. There's this women only gym near one of the industrial estates and if I climb up some of the builders scaffolding I can film the women getting changed.

Do I get a response from the BBC about this idea? Do I hell? I swear that Nicole Kidman must work in their post room or something. People complain that there are not enough women running major companies, but Kidman couldn't even respond to one letter that I sent her. NOT ONE! So if she's typical of most women then it's probably because they don't send back their job application forms! Stand up for yourselves and be counted women! Don't be like Nicole Kidman!

Anyway the film stars Jim Carey as the hero of the story who doesn't realize he's being filmed. Some people say that's a bit far fetched, but you'd be surprised how easy it is to film people without them knowing. Truman lives this ideal life, however deep down he's sad because he wants to do so much more. He wants to travel and go places, but he's afraid of water and lives on an island, which is a bit dumb. Not as dumb as the Brody family in the 'Jaws' films though. Oh man, were they stupid? They were like a bearded version of the Brady Bunch, but with a much lower IQ. People watch the Truman show all the time, even when he's sleeping and he's quite a celebrity, ignorant to the fact he's the most famous man on the planet.

Luckily they couldn't secretly video me because I do stuff that 'makes baby Jesus cry', according to my mum, who blamed it on the 'Erotic Witch Project'. I don't make Jesus cry THAT much though so there'd still be time to check me out doing cool things, like climbing over my neighbors fence and pretending to be dead. That's always funny! It's really funny when I get up and pretend to be like one of the zombies in 'Dawn of the Dead' and try to break into their house. I normally only do it when the husband is away on business though as he doesn't laugh and scream hysterically like his wife does. She mostly screams rather than laughs though. But they'll be moving house soon, so I guess I'll have to stop doing it. They only moved in 3 months ago, which is a shame, because I thought we were really getting along well and having a laugh. The funniest time was when I hid in the boot of the wife's car. That was really funny!

As with filming people secretly in real life, Truman gets suspicious and starts trying to avoid the cameras. He doesn't shriek or scream or call one of the shop assistants over to the changing rooms like people do in real life, but instead tries to outsmart the whole production company, which he does. Obviously that leads to the end of the whole TV series. If I were watching his show I'd be like 'Oh thank god that's over with! That was such a dull program.' and providing that they didn't put snooker on instead I'd be happy.

I really don't like snooker it's the world's worst sport.

Neonsamurai film rating for snooker: Code Alpha Foxtrot Tango

Pretty Woman (1990)

Retard Gere (see what I did there) is a retard

[12 October 2004]

Let me start this review with a question (THAT'S RIGHT A QUESTION 'EMPIRE' MAGAZINE!) and one that I think might change the way that you view this film in the future. Let's just say that you're Richard Gere in this film, and you have so much money that you can do anything you want would you:

A) Pay Julia Roberts, a women who I believe to be possessed by something similar to that slug monster from 'The Hidden' to be your escort for some business events, or:

B) Use your wealth to have either Famke Janssen or Whoopi Goldberg cloned to act as your escort for some business events?

The correct answer is B. why the hell would you pay Julia Roberts to act as an escort? For a start she's evil and secondly she's possessed by something unnatural that might jump out of her face at any moment. If you were meeting Bill Gates at a posh dinner party and an evil slug exploded out your 'girlfriends' face do you honestly think he'd do business with you? Duh… No!

But imagine turning up at a posh dinner party in an exclusive restaurant with Whoopi Goldberg? That'd be great! She'd be like all kooky and funny, making all the posh people look like morons.

Lord Windford: 'I say, can you pass the baked beans please Ms Goldberg.'

Whoopi Goldberg: 'With a name like Windford, I think you've had enough beans already!'

HA! Take THAT the British class system! But I bet you'd expect that the whole place would be all stuffy with dull classical music playing and the clinking of cutlery. WRONG! Because wherever Whoopi goes she gets all the people together and shows them that what they're doing can be fun. 'C'mon! We can really rock this place!' she'll shout as she cranks up the sound system with some kickin' tunes (probably Level 42).

Empire magazine apparently isn't taking on any new film reviewers right now, or so they tell me. I bet if Steven Spielberg or Quentin Tarantino wrote to them asking to be film reviewers they'd employ them in a flash. Actually if Dr Stephen Hawking wrote in and asked to be on their staff they'd trample over each other to get him to sign a contract. Did they do that with me? No. Just be honest Empire, you can't handle my cutting edge film reviews and you know I'd make the rest of you're staff look like dullards, even with Dr Stephen Hawking and his theory about science.

And if they employed me they wouldn't have to put any ramps for wheel chairs in their buildings because I don't use a wheel chair like Hawking does. Quick question: Has Dr Stephen Hawking had any of his film reviews published by IMDb? Answer: No, he hasn't and I've had loads (except for the 'Erotic Witch Project 2: Book of Seduction' one)! In your face Hawking!

Now bearing in mind I've already pointed out this film's MAJOR flaw (that it stars Julia Roberts rather than Famke or Whoopi) I expect you're thinking; 'well, there's really no point in me watching this film' and you'd be right. Don't watch it.

Bicentennial Man (1999)

Columbus! You're a dead man!

[3 June 2004]

Okay, so if I had to take the PINK tablets then surely the RED tablets are the same only more potent, right? That does make sense to you doesn't it?

Firstly, Chris Columbus is a DEAD MAN! That right Chris, you've pushed my buttons once too often, especially after ‘Mrs Doubtfire' and then ‘Adventures in Babysitting'. But I digress, so I'll go back to the beginning, which was last Sunday afternoon…

I'm watching TV as Richie goes through my mum's stuff for any inflammatory items capable of causing ‘psychotic resurgence' as he calls it. That's normally stuff like money or jewellery, but he once confiscated my MP3 player and was going to take my PC as well. Luckily without those things Richie says I won't ‘go freaking nuts' again, and also because of the pink pills he gives me. As usual he's always on the phone, but starts to get all nervous. Something about a yard or some yards, or something and some turf. Anyway he says he's got to go back to the hospital and gives me the last of the pink pills and puts on ‘Bicentennial Man' for me to watch, telling me not to move.

The first thing I notice as Richie leaves is that CHRIS COLUMBUS has made this film. That brings back the bad feelings I used to have, but I'm better now so I don't mind. Then I see that it stars Robin Williams as a robot, which kind of makes me feel strange and I remember a Virgin Airways flight, and something about an emergency landing. But I'm cool, I'm chilled, I'm making progress so these things don't bother me.

Then the robot falls out of a window.

HELLO? HELLO CHRIS? That's what happened to me at Shelley's house! Well, not exactly what happened, a young girl didn't tell me to jump out of the window an ex Royal Marine punched me through it, but it's just the sort of artistic licence that Columbus takes when transferring my life to film.

So obviously I'm getting angry and realise that I've run out of pink tablets because Richie's sold half of them. Luckily he'd left his duffle bag so I quickly search through it but can't find any pink ones. Red, yellow, green, blue, orange, my mum's purse, brown and white, but not pink, although like I said I was getting angry, so logically red. Right?

I gulped them down with some of my mum's sherry and began watching the film again. That's when I realised that Chris Columbus had been moving my mum's furniture. Not much, just enough for me to notice. At that moment I had a horrible feeling that the director of ‘Mrs Doubtfire' was hiding somewhere in my mum's house. Logically I armed myself with a saucepan and went looking for him, just as the robot on TV turned into Robin Williams and started spying on girls at parties. I SPY ON GIRLS AT PARTIES!

That made me really, really angry, just as I heard the front door open and guess who staggers in? CHRIS COLUMBUS disguised as a terrified looking Richie. Moments later he looked concussed and collapsed onto the street, where some people (who I think were members of the ‘So Solid Crew') bundled him into the back of a van. I thought it strange that they had something against Chris Columbus, although maybe he'd been stalking them too, but they said thanks and drove off. To be honest, I was just relieved that I could finally relax having vanquished my Nemesis.

The ending of the film was quite good, because the robot had become a man, although if I were a robot I'd want to stay a robot. Obviously I wouldn't want to be a servant robot like Robin Williams was, but like the ABC Warrior in Judge Dredd.

`DEREK PALMERS. I AM A ROBOT. YOUR KOALA RELATED DRUG CHARGES DO NOT APPLY TO ME. EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!'

The Jewel of the Nile (1985)

Jewel is a spaz

[3 June 2004]

Have you seen ‘Free Willy'? I really hate that movie! I haven't actually seen it, but how come that stupid whale gets so much attention? I bet if the film was about a giant funnel web spider that was held in captivity then some kid wouldn't fall in love with it. Let's see a kid try and hug that! I bet if I was held in captivity and the owners of an aquarium were going to let me die no one would care! Obviously I could just climb out of the pool and just walk away, but that's not the point.

Anyway, I'm all worked up now because of that stupid whale so my review of ‘Jewel of the Nile' might be a little unfair, and harsh. I bet if Willy wrote a review of ‘Jewel of the Nile' though everyone would be all amazed and impressed. 'Ooh that's such a good review Willy.' `Ooh you're so clever Willy.' Do I get that kind of response? No, I just get hate mail from people who say thinks such as, "Like a koala is going to know how to come off crack, just because YOU saw it in a movie" and `In summary, I hope you go to jail for a long time, for being such a braindead idiot.' Do you think people would say things like that to Willy? Neither do I.

Kathleen Turner plays Joan Wilder who is a famous romance novelist who lives on a boat with her boyfriend Jack Cotton. How come so many heroes are called ‘Jack'? Why don't we have more heroes called Colin or Jeremy? It'd be a more realistic film if he was called Nigel Cotton, but what do I know eh? I'm not a big, dumb orca who needs to enlist the help of a CHILD (that's right someone too young to buy porn) to get me out of a giant fish tank!

Joan is having trouble writing a new book and ends up going to the desert somewhere for some reason with this guy who seems too good to be true. Then the Yacht that Joan and Jack own blows up and so Jack goes to the desert as well. A fat lot of good a whale would be in the desert. All it could do would be to flounder on the dry, rocky ground without a drop of water in sight. Ha! In your face Willy!

Unfortunately for Jack the ‘Jewel' in question isn't a precious stone it's a man. Well that's just great. If I named myself ‘Mr Elixir of Life' and people turned up trying to find me and when they did found out that I wasn't actually the ‘Elixir of Life', just somebody calling myself that I'd expect a good kicking. To be honest if I called myself ‘Elixir of Life' I'd give myself a good kicking, or jump down some stairs or something, just for being such a complete spaz. Anyway the guy who seems too good to be true turns out to be too good to be true and in fact evil, so Jack has to save Joan and this guy called ‘Jewel'.

Actually, now I think about it, ‘Jewel' was quite annoying. He kept calling Joan Wilder ‘Just Joan'. Duh! Jewel you retard! Don't you understand English or something? Sure he didn't need a dullard of a child to rescue him from and aquarium, but he was really irritating. And he carried an umbrella with him all the time. Why? He's in the desert! He might as well have carried a freaking aqualung! Oh man! He's really winding me up now! Especially when he started balancing his umbrella on his finger as a diversion. What the hell kind of a diversion is that?

`Look! There's a guy getting seven shades of excrement kicked out of him. No wait! There's a guy balancing an umbrella, that's far more exciting!'

I thought reviewing this film might actually calm me down, but it's actually making me even angrier! Especially when it turns out that ‘Jewel' is some kind of martyr or the Egyptian pope or something. He can't even grasp the fact that ‘Just' isn't the first part of Joan Wilder's name, so god knows what he'd be like trying to negotiate the peaceful end to a war.

On the plus side though Jack manages to steal an F16 but doesn't know how to fly it, so instead he just drives it around a town firing machine guns and rockets at things. I quite enjoyed that bit and it inspired my unsuccessful attack on the Aylesbury RSPCA offices in a milk float.

In summary; a reasonable film ruined by Jewel making stupid comments and always turning out to be right in some way. If you're reading this Jewel, you just made my list

The Godfather (1972)

My last review

[26 May 2004]

I've never seen the Godfather before but Richie said he was `tired of watching ‘Snooker Legends' and wanted to watch a proper film. I watched it and thought is was good. The colours weren't as nice as the ones in ‘Prince of Tides' but it was a decent film with a beginning, middle and an end.

The story is about a mafia family, and how the ‘all American' son gets drawn into being the head of it. This part is played excellently by Al Pacino (Michael Corleone), with my favourite scene being one of the last when he has to avenge the death of his father. It's got to be one of his best performances to date and I can see why Channel 4 viewers voted him the world's greatest actor. Although it's an ensemble piece with a very impressive cast, they are all given a chance to give some great performances, giving each character in the film a real sense of depth.

The film is slow, which I think works to its advantage. Francis Ford Coppola tries to keep everything as realistic as possible and that includes the pace at which everything unfolds. It also makes the violence that bit more shocking when it happens.

Richie likes this film a lot. He says that the characters in this film are his heroes and that one-day he'll be like Don Corleone. I don't think he meant fat with a funny voice though, but because he hates being a nurse. He also says that this film shows you how important respect is and that I should show him more respect, starting with giving him my PC. I told him that I needed my PC to write my film reviews, but he told me that it could cause a ‘psychotic resurgence', and that my film reviews were pathetic (he had only read my ‘Escape From LA' one though).

Richie has also had to sell some of my pink pills to his friends so that he can expand his ‘turf'. I'm not sure what that means; maybe he's getting an allotment or a back yard. Anyway, Richie will be over this weekend to pick up my computer so I guess that this will be my last review.

So to summarise: The Godfather (1972) - Starring Marlon Brando, Al Pacino, James Caan, Robert Duvall, Diane Keaton, and Abe Vigoda - Written By Francis Ford Coppola and Mario Puzo - Based on the Novel By Mario Puzo - Directed By Francis Ford Coppola - MPAA Rating: R

I rate it a 10/10 a must see film

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

This movie was so good I forgot I was videoing it

[26 April 2004]

This is the first time I've been back to the cinema in Aylesbury since my date with that girl from the Internet (see my ‘Silence of the Lambs' review) but everyone was really cool about it. Richie showed them his ID and told them it was part of my rehabilitation, and the manager let us in.

We went to see ‘Dawn of the Dead' which had sequel written all over it in my opinion. I was cool about seeing it though, but told Richie that I'd seen the first one and remembered that it was rubbish (see my ‘Dead Poets Society' review). Richie said he didn't really want to watch it either, but knew a few people who did.

Because the seat numbers kept changing I couldn't work out where we had to sit, so Richie sat me down at the front and made a few phone calls whilst I watched the adverts. When they were finished Richie gave me a video camera and told me to focus on the screen, press record and then not move. Richie then tells me he's got to go because there's a mammoth lose in the hospital and to wait here for him, because it's a test.

The film was really crazy and scary though, so I had to concentrate hard on not moving. It's about the dead coming back to life and attacking people and in many ways reminded me of ‘Last of the Summer Wine'. But these undead people have a taste for human flesh and so these people have to hide in a shopping centre to escape.

I kept thinking that a better place to hide would be at the hospital were Richie works. That's where babies come from and babies are life, so that would scare the dead away. Also the mammoth could trample any undead that got inside.

All the people in the film were really nice and friendly and when some of them died it made me feel sad, but the film's colours made me feel happy and kind of drunk. Towards the end some of the ushers came to talk to me but because of the test I couldn't reply, so I pretended not to see them. They got quite angry, but luckily Richie turned up and told them about ‘capturing my fears' and ‘anger transference' so they left us alone.

The good news is that I must be making progress because on the way out Richie told me that the ‘ushers are even dumber than you'. That's progress.



Movie Rating: B+

Rated R for pervasive strong horror violence and gore, language and sexuality.

The Prince of Tides (1991)

My new favourite film

[22 April 2004]

All I can say is WOW! I love this movie! This is the most wonderful chilled-out movie that I've ever seen. It's like, really kind of washed out, but full of colour and sound. I was so enthralled by it all the way through and so was my new friend Richie. I love Richie.

Ever since my nan brought me ‘Snooker Legends' I've been taking these really nice pink tablets and things have really got good for me. I've got a new friend Richie who's like this nurse who just watches me and asks me questions and I got a job pushing trolleys at the supermarket. I love working at the supermarket.

This film has Barbra Streisand in it and I didn't used to like her, but now I'd be like `Hey Barbra you're really cool and I've seen you in some films that I like'. It's also got Nick Nolte in it as a man who's in love but married. I Love Nick Nolte.

Richie was on his phone through most of the film, but that's cool. He gives me my tablets free and has to make sure that I don't drink alcohol with them, but he sometimes sells them to his friends. I don't think he likes being a psychiatric nurse though, because he's always complaining about working with perverts and lunatics, but I know he likes me. I love perverts.

This film is about something to do with love, and I think runaway sex-crazed criminals, which is wrong (see my review of ‘Dead Poets Society' for details of right and wrong), but they dealt with the whole thing very well. I REALLY liked the colours in the film because they were pretty, then a bit scary and then, like a volcano. I love Volcanoes.

As a whole I rate this movie very highly as I really felt involved and almost obsessed by what was going on with the characters and their lives. Some of it seemed too real to actually be a film and seemed like what was in my head was like warm water. The ending was both sad and happy, but in a way that made me laugh for half an hour without stopping. I love laughing.

If you like dramas and are a fan of either Streisand or Nolte then this film is a must see.

****/*****

1991 140 mins. Rated: R CC.

Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (1983)

I like this film and it's better than snooker

[22 April 2004]

`Oh good,' I thought, `I really like the film ‘Space Hunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone'. As it's on tonight I think I'll stay up and watch it.'

This is bearing in mind that I'd finally got my night vision goggles back from the Police and a new couple had moved in next door, so I could have been using my time more productively. However, I stayed up until 12:35 and put on BBC 2 only to be told, `in a change to the advertised program we'll be showing the extended coverage of the Embassy World Snooker Championship.'

Snooker? SNOOKER? I HATE snooker! Have you ever-watched snooker? Well if you haven't then just don't bother because it's rubbish. It's really dull and even the guy talking about it sounds bored.

So why the hell do those ‘experts' at the BBC think that people who like ‘Space Hunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone' would like snooker? They're completely different things for god's sake! If I asked someone to buy me the DVD of ‘Space Hunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone' and they brought me a copy of ‘Snooker Legends' instead I'd swing for them.

My Nan: `I couldn't find ‘Space Monkeys in the Fraggle Dome', so I got you ‘Snooker Legends' instead. You do like snooker don't you?'

Me: `Wha…? You stupid old HAG!'

My Nan: `No! Not the face!'

Police officer: `Use your tazers men!'

Me: `Aaaargh! My nervous system!'

I was really angry that they weren't putting ‘Space Hunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone' on, so I tried to call up BBC ‘Points of View' to complain, but I couldn't find their number, so I called the 999 and reported Greg Dyke as a criminal. They wanted to know what the crime was and where it took place. I told them it was gross negligence and it took place on Terra 11 (because I don't know where Greg Dyke lives, yet). What happens? Police turn up at my house, and yet again I'm the ‘criminal' for making bogus phone calls to the emergency services.

Epilogue:

My nan made a complete recovery and has since moved in with my uncle and his family, but they won't let me visit her. Greg Dyke was fired from the BBC, probably because of the snooker debacle, and has most likely had to move back in with his parents. And me? Well, luckily the Police didn't press charges and I managed to watch ‘Space Hunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone' on Bravo a few days later.

Cold Mountain (2003)

Nicole is a very rude person

[13 April 2004]

`Ooh. Nicole Kidman's really nice. Ooh. She's such a nice person.' That's what I hear people say about Nicole Kidman, well have I got news for you? Nicole Kidman is rude and stupid! There how do you like that? How do I know she's like this? Well I've written her 5 (THAT'S RIGHT! FIVE!) letters asking her to go out with me and got NO response. Here's my 5th and final letter to Hollywood's rudest actress:

Dear Nicole Kidman,

I guess you didn't get my last 4 letters inviting you over for tea at my mum's house so if you get this one I'd probably complain to your postman. At the moment I'm only asking you over for tea as I have to adhere to a strict police curfew, it's not as if I'm asking you to marry me though. Not yet anyway.

You'll be pleased to hear that I don't look like your ex husband Tom Cruise and am above average height. My friend Dave said that Tom looked like me in this film called ‘Vanilla Sky' but don't worry, it was because he'd been hideously mangled in a car crash! I'm above average height in Japan and parts of China, not that I'd go to China, as I hate the place. But not as much as I hate Australia though, with all those horrible Australians and their stupid ‘don't feed koalas drugs' laws. Gah!

I really like Americans though, like you and Naomi Watts. If you could arrange it I would consider sleeping with both of you at the same time, but let's just wait until after our first date okay? Obviously don't mention any of that in front of my mum.

Anyway, I just wanted to finish by saying that I've loved you with all my heart ever since I saw you in the film ‘Days of Thunder' last week. My heart yearns to be with you as every fibre of my being cries in sorrow that we are not together.

I've also sent a similar letter to Famke Janssen, but I'll be giving you first refusal so make sure that you respond quickly so I can let her down gently.

All my boundless love

Neon

Do I get a response? Of course not! But I'm not that bothered as I've gone off her recently. As for ‘Cold Mountain', well it's okay.

Adventures in Babysitting (1987)

The Director of this Film is Stalking me

[4 February 2004]

Cuddly Kids Daytime Nursery in Aylesbury WON'T look after koalas. Even though the koala I took round was dressed as a baby and I think is between 2 and 5 years old, the staff refused to accept it saying something along the lines of ‘dangerous animal' or ‘health and safety' or some ridiculous nonsense.

Of course then this woman started screaming and Rufus jumped on her face and wouldn't let go, or maybe he jumped on her face and she started screaming, I can't remember. Anyway, I'd managed to reach the bus stop before the police caught me and informed me that the RSPCA were on their way. I told them that I was being victimised and that it could have been any trouserless men in the area responsible letting a vicious animal loose in a childcare centre. But as always they didn't listen and I had ANOTHER lecture from Derek Palmers about animal welfare.

Of course I might have guessed that the movie director (and I think stalker) Chris Columbus would have been responsible for yet again mirroring my actions in another one of his films, ‘Adventures in Babysitting'. I still remember ‘Mrs Doubtfire' Chris and let me tell you that you're lucky I didn't sue you over that! I could get better legal advice from a packet of cereal!*

Like the outrageously libellous ‘Mrs Doubtfire', ‘Adventures in Babysitting' decides to give false information concerning what animals will and won't be looked after by people in the childcare industry. And yes, I do know that there are no koala's in this film but do they offer any advice on what exactly ‘babysitting' involves? No they do not. Imagine if I'd hired a film out from the library entitled ‘How to Trace your Family Tree' and all it contained was Elizabeth Shue climbing trees or something, I'd storm into the library and demand my money back! Well I would if it cost anything to hire out instructional videos from the library, and they hadn't banned me.

Honestly, I swear that Columbus must follow me around and just makes his films to annoy me. In fact I've recently been taking a different route to Aylesbury Job Centre, occasionally stopping and spinning around, just in case.

Chris, if you're reading this then I'll tell you now that I am looking forward to your new film ‘NFL Dad', but if it's anything to do with the court injunction Shelly has taken out against me, then you'll be hearing from my solicitor.



*The advice got me arrested, again.

Sleeping with the Enemy (1991)

The director of this film is gonna be sleeping with my FIST!

[23 January 2004]

I'm a man, so you'd think that I'd fancy Julia Roberts, but I don't. I think she's evil, or at the very least possessed. Possessed by what you might ask? Well I don't know, but whatever it is it's not very nice and certainly unpleasant. Maybe that slug monster from ‘The Hidden', but at the same time maybe not.

Not only do I not like Julia, but men with moustaches also constantly distract me, so seeing that Patrick ‘Funny Facial Hair' Bergen was in it reduced my viewing pleasure further. I don't dislike Patrick, but when I was younger my swimming instructor had a moustache and he was quite threatening.

`Swim better! Faster! Faster or I'll drown you!' is what he'd shout at me and the other kids. As a result I don't trust men with extensive facial hair or swimming instructors.

Of course when Kevin Anderson wanders onto screen sporting a beard so unruly he could have hidden a VW Camper Van in it the film takes a definite nose-dive. Speaking of diving, the thing that just completely ruined the whole sorry experience was when Julia dove overboard in stormy weather to fake her death!

Have you ever tried to fake your own death? I have and it's not as easy as Hollywood would like us to believe. When I ‘died' for the first time I took out a section in the obituaries column of the Bucks Herald and didn't go out for a week. I also died my hair and turned my coat inside out so that I looked different. However, Aylesbury Job Centre still insisted that I was ‘alive', although that was mainly because I was still signing on. In fact they even threatened to stop paying me benefits until I supplied evidence that I was actively seeking work. How can a dead man do that? Duh! My life assurance company wouldn't pay up either, even when I phoned them.

I wish that there were some decent points to this film, but there really isn't. Like ‘Free Willy' it seems like the director has deliberately gone out of his way to annoy me, and suffice to say he has succeeded.

So if you want to watch a film starring a woman possessed by a slug, which contains ludicrous facial hair and an inaccurate portrayal of death faking then watch this film. If on the other hand you don't then I'd advise you to do something else.

I don't know what though.

Medicine Man (1992)

Tom Schulman didn't write this movie

[19 January 2004]

All of the praise and adulation for this movie should be directed at me! Why? Well because this is the film script I wrote when I was at college! I sent it to loads of movie directors such as Steven Spielberg, Ridley Scott, James Cameron and Paul McCartney and got NO response. I certainly DIDN'T send it to John McTierman, so I've no idea how he got his hands on it.

They've also changed some of the characters and the location, but the storyline is still there. I say storyline, but what storyline is there in this film? There's NO storyline, that's where it is.

Basically in the original version a man called Bob Campbell (that's right Connery, I wrote that role that you butchered) gets a job as a futuristic dustman after being involved in a fishing accident. After being rehabilitated and trained by the SAS he gets to drive the worlds most advanced bin lorry, and it even talks! But some Russian secret agents steal it and Bob and this black guy from MI5 who's got special powers have to track them down before the next days shift! It also happens at Christmas time, so there's more rubbish than usual making it more exciting.

I don't know what the biggest insult, the fact that my name's not mentioned in the credits or the fact that the story was such a bad conversion from script to film. I kept hoping that Bradley (that was the name of the Bin Lorry) would turn up and say something like:

`Attention Bob Campbell. Mrs Howlett from number 17 is trying to throw away garden waste in her bin bag. She must be punished.'

But that would seem so out of place since they moved the whole film to South America and replaced ‘Eye Fly Spy Guy' with Lorraine Bracco. I can almost understand the change of direction with this film involving the rain forest and how the human race is slowly destroying this planet, but other than ‘Men at Work' there haven't been any films starring bin men, particularly none about a talking lorry that can fly.

So from my point of view, knowing what the film could have been like I think ‘Medicine Man' is something of a let down. Clearly everyone involved worked hard, but I just kept thinking what a waste of time the whole film was.

Oh and by the way, if somebody emails you and ‘claims' to have a way of making a Koala go cold turkey then I suggest you ignore it, unless you want to get covered in blue vomit.

Crossroads (I) (2002)

I love Brittany

[12 January 2004]

I love Brittany Spears. I mean REALLY love her, not like these crazy obsessed fans that think they do. I REALLY, REALLY love her.

That's why I was very pleased that this film was coming out, as I love her so much that I like just watching her. I used to really like my ex girlfriend Shelley and even brought some night vision goggles so that I could watch her when she was asleep. But she got this court injunction taken out, and her dad's an ex Royal Marine who told me that ‘I wasn't right in the head' and had to leave her alone.

Actually, when I say that he told me that, I really mean that he inferred it by punching me out of her bedroom window and into their greenhouse. The guy's an idiot! I could easily have climbed down the rope I'd used to get in.

This film is all about the lovely, friendly, talented and beautiful Brittany Spears and some others who drive to LA and have adventures along the way. Sometimes, Brittany doesn't wear many clothes.

The reason that I love Brittany is that I know she loves me and we will get married. How do I know? Well, I'm not some crazy fan who just thinks she does, I had a dream about it. But it wasn't a normal dream, it was a very vivid dream, almost like our minds had merged and we were ‘as one'. Sometimes I dress like Brittany as well.

I am glad that this film is unpopular, as I don't want other people looking at Brittany. She's mine.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

Jackson fools everyone, except me.

[12 January 2004]

Yesterday I'm waiting to get into the cinema to watch the film ‘LotR: Return of the King' and this woman starts screaming that I'm exposing myself.

What's that got to do with this horribly inaccurate travesty of a movie? Well it seems that everybody else just sees what they want to see with these movies and not focus on the truth, like the lady who screamed `PERVERT! PERVERT!' at me as I waited patiently in the queue. Of course one of the ushers tried to get me thrown out as well (apparently they don't let people into the cinema with bottles of cough syrup anymore) and told me to come back fully dressed. Again, a person who just sees what they want to see and to hell with the truth!

But I thought that maybe I had just misunderstood the first two films and being an open-minded guy I'd give the last of the trilogy a try. Big mistake!

What's the first thing that happens in the film? Well a guy finds a ring and then ‘goes bad'. Jackson, I have REPEATEDLY informed you that your films contain stupid, inaccurate situations that wouldn't ever happen. Rings don't make people go bad. In fact I tried to give Shelley an engagement ring but she refused and then SHE went bad. I still had the plastic ring in my hand, but I remained normal whilst she freaked out and started raving about `I only met you yesterday', `I thought the police arrested you' or `you're a stalker'. She was clearly mad, but guess what? No ring!

But I digress; because this huge, firey eyeball decides to wage war on some part of England, all these armies are raised to fight back. Why on earth is this eye on fire? And since when do people take orders from giant flaming eyes? It's just not normal. Oh, sorry. I forgot I was talking about a film made by Peter ‘let's put a bad Jesus in it' Jackson.

Jackson: `…and the giant burning eye sends its army to war!'

Overseer: `Wha…? How does it do that Jackson? It's just an eye! How does it talk? And how the hell does a solitary burning eye raise an army? I'm warning you, if things don't improve I'll be hitting you with this stick!'

Thankfully the bad Jesus doesn't make an appearance in this film, since his house gets flooded (by walking trees!) and I guess he had to tidy it up or something. But his counterpart, the good Jesus, continues to do things that weren't in the bible and goes to this big white city (Cambridge?) with one of the little guys from Bucks. I've been to Cambridge and it was full of students and girls with stupid scarves who'd be all friendly with Rufus and then call me a monster. Honestly, it was like ‘Free Willy' all over again, but with that coked up Koala getting all the love instead of me! There was NO reference to students, the police or Koalas in this movie.

So there's this huge army of cockneys ready to attack Cambridge and guess what? The good guys are outnumbered. So what does Jackson decide to do in an attempt to even the odds? He raises the dead. Jackson, the dead are dead for a reason, and what in god's name did you think you were doing by raising them? And now I think about it how do you actually raise the dead?

Jackson: `…so the dead come to life and they're green.'

Overseer: `Euuuurgh! Jackson you dullard! This is the worst story ever! Why are the dead green and how come you're a director? I wish we'd financed ‘Jihad Act' now, as whoever wrote that is a genius!'

Now I'm getting angry again! Movie producers make this film and then sneer at the screenplay for Jihad Act? No wonder the film industry is in so much trouble when genuine talent is overlooked for ill conceived rubbished spewed forth by a man who looks too much like one of his own creations with a wig on. You've done it again Jackson! You've made me so mad that I'm taking ANOTHER point off of ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'.

So in summary, most people who go and see the film would be the same type of people who'd shout and jeer that I was a pervert and not look beyond their small little worlds. Just watch, it'll get Oscars. Just don't expect me to turn up at the after show party Jackson; I'll be busy.

Dead Poets Society (1989)

Being different isn't good

[12 January 2004]

`Why didn't I have a teacher like that when I was at school?' That's what people's repugnant mouths expunge when I mention this film. `Robin Williams managed to reach out to the kids and taught them that being an individual was something worth striving for.'

Try that around me, and I'll PUNCH your stupid face in! That's right I'd use violence, and if I were a teacher I would use violence on the kids as well, and possibly some pensioners! Why? Because it's all very well having a decent teacher who can ‘reach out to the kids', but most children now are some evil, twisted, yuppie spawn who dwell on pain and suffering. Think ET would have been safe if children had found him? Not in this century! They'd probably throw him on some train lines or strap him to the bonnet of a Ferrari and ram raid Toys ‘R Us.

I mean, I was actually at school and it was nothing like it was in this film. If we'd found out there was a ‘Dead Poets Society' they'd have been tracked down and duffed over as soon as possible. Heck, if we found out that one of the boys in school had found an alien in his back garden and had somehow become emotionally ‘bonded' to him, we'd have gone around there and beaten them both up.

`Don't deviate from the norm!' That's what we'd have shouted, because it is wrong to deviate from the norm. Look at that guy with the beard in Die Hard, the one who says, `Hans, I can help you get this guy.' He deviated from everybody else and died. Although maybe Hans Gruber thought that he was a bulimic Peter Jackson and shot him anyway. I'm not sure.

There's this bit in ‘Dead Poets Society' where Robin Williams (who's not dressed as a woman this time) gets all the boys to walk around the playground, and they all fall into step. That's wrong apparently. What's wrong with being normal? I'm normal and people are always calling me a ‘freak' or a ‘pervert', so god knows what it would have been like if I was deranged or different in some way.

So I think that ‘Dead Poets Society' is a bad film because it teaches children that being different is good, and is probably responsible for people like Hannibal Lecter, who thought that rather than eating normal food he'd be different and eat people instead. That's not normal and is also wrong.

Jumpin' Jack Flash (1986)

Whoopee! It's Whoopi!

[12 January 2004]

Imagine you worked in a bank. It'd be pretty dull right? WRONG! Because if Whoopi Goldberg worked there it'd be the best job you ever had! I think.

But that's only about 6%of what ‘Jumping Jack Flash' (I've spelt it correctly here) is actually about. You see Whoopi (Whoopi! Whoopi! I love saying her name) works on a computer and can dress how she likes when she meets this secret agent. I say ‘meets' but he actually sends her an electronic message asking her to help him. The Wachowski brothers in the film ‘The Matrix' later stole this idea. For my money they should have put Whoopi in that film too, as ‘The Other One'. Awww man that would have been so cool! Neo kicking butts whilst Whoopi got all the other people in the matrix to join in and have a good time. `C'mon, we can really rock this place!' she'd shout as she brandished a Franchi SPAS12 at a security guard.

For my money there's not enough of Whoopi in this film and the director doesn't make use of her comedy talents as much as she could. But having said that, it is very funny! Can you imagine sitting next to Whoopi for 8 hours a day and getting paid for it? No? Well I can and it'd be really, REALLY cool! We'd also probably hang out at lunchtime together as well, because I just know we'd be good friends.

In homage to this film I have decided to call my first-born child Whoopi after the talented Ms Goldberg. Although I'm currently single so if anybody wants to meet up and get married then please let me know.

Neonsamurai Movie Rating: 14

The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)

Aliens outstay their welcome. Again...

[2 January 2004]

Aliens annoy the hell out of me. Firstly, they're not invited so they're not welcome. It's like when you have a party for all your friends and then the police turn up. They're not invited and they're unwelcome, especially when they close down the party and Dave has to go home.

So imagine my disdain when I see that there's a film called ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still' about aliens turning up and telling us off for various things. What's more they land in Washington, which isn't the safest place to park a spaceship and then don't do much until the army shows up. If there are any aliens reading this then I'd just like to say YOU'RE NOT WELCOME, but if you do insist on coming here then use some common sense.

Firstly, when you do land on earth and there's a big crowd with guns and tanks outside your ship then don't be a spazmo and run out brandishing something from the Anne Summers catalogue! Use your ships loudspeaker to say something like; `Hello, this is Klaatu. I'm coming out now. Please don't shoot me, I'm unarmed but carrying a Lady Pleasure 8000.' Also, don't wear a space suit that makes you look like a robot. We don't like robots here either.

Secondly, if we've only just invented atomic weapons don't turn up and threaten to kill us. That's impolite and shows no respect for the host:

Guest: `Hello I've just turned up uninvited and parked my car on your flowerbed.'

Host: `I… Erm…'

Guest: `Stop your son from playing with fireworks or I will destroy Luton.'

This is why you green skinned extra terrestrial FREAKS are so unwelcome here! When you're not turning up and making us look bad with your compassion and wisdom, you're exploding out of people's chest cavities and blowing up the White House! Is it any wonder we don't want you here? Besides, what's the big deal about atomic weapons? We've used them on you before and THEY DON'T WORK. Just look at ‘War of the Worlds', ‘Independence Day' and `Mars Attacks!' Not that you aliens have anything to worry about, sat inside your impervious ships, guarded by huge killer robots.

Alien General: `Earth has launched a solitary atomic bomb strapped to a Ford Mustang at us.'

Alien Overlord: `Oh General Glaaag, I feel so sorry for that poor planet. They hurl their greatest weapon at us in an attempt to destroy us. Yet their attempt is in vain, for as the great space poet Agrazztobep said…'

Alien General: `Sir, the atomic bomb has detonated and taken the sheen off of our space fender.'

Alien Overlord: `Curses! I had that waxed this morning. Very well, DESTROY EARTH! And mess Pluto up a bit, I hate that dull planet.'

And while you're at it you green-skinned rocket jockeys, don't bother landing in America. The North Americans are sick to death of you turning up and either being misunderstood or killing millions of them with some kind of death ray. Leave them alone you boggle-eyed, toad faced retards. LEAVE ALL OF US ALONE.

However, if any space amazons or galactic nymphets are reading this then you are wanted and you should land in Aylesbury, near the bus station. I'll be the guy with no trousers on.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Jackson, you and Ang Lee are gonna pay

[23 December 2003]

APPARENTLY ‘Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring' wasn't a historical film, it was a fantasy film. Thanks to the people who messaged me and told me that, mostly rather rudely, but if it's meant to be a fantasy why base it in middle England, or rather (as Jackson decided when he wrote it) Middle Earth? Duh? If I was going to write a fantasy film I wouldn't put Jesus in it, or an evil Jesus doppelganger, but then nobody reads my scripts do they? Well I say nobody, but that guy from the CIA was interested in my hilarious Whoopee Goldberg vehicle ‘Jihad Act', although I'm not sure that his review of it as `Incitement to Terrorist Activity' was altogether fair.

Anyway, because Hollywood won't finance my films I have to go and watch ‘fantasy' movies by that bearded lunatic Peter Jackson. So what does he do in the sequel to ‘Lord of the Rings'? Well, firstly the good Jesus doesn't die (technically correct) when he's pulled into a fiery chasm by a winged giant (there are too many inaccuracies to even start discussing here).

But after some cockneys kidnapped some of the stunted thieves from the first film, the Welsh Bloke, the lady with the bow and that guy in the tight shorts from GI Jane (who doesn't wash in this film) chase them on foot for about 300 miles! I can't run 300 yards let alone 300 miles and I've seen what Jackson looks like. I bet he couldn't even run 30 yards! Luckily for them a tree (I'm not making this up) rescues the guys from Bucks and then wanders around aimlessly talking rubbish. Jackson, trees don't walk, talk or have meetings with (wait for it) other trees. Wasn't somebody there when Jackson was writing this stuff to stop this sort of nonsense from happening?

Peter Jackson: `…and then some trees come to life and save them.'

Overseer: `Jackson you bearded spaz! That makes no sense! Write a better story!'

If I'd written it, it wouldn't be a tree (which the more I say it the more it makes no sense) that saved them; it'd be Whoopee Goldberg. She'd show them that by thinking outside the box and breaking a few rules that war in Middle Earth could be fun! `C'mon! We can really rock this place!' She'd say as she brandished a battleaxe at a Cave Troll.

But Jackson decided (against popular opinion I'm sure) not to put the talented Ms Goldberg in this film, which is its primary reason for its failure. Regardless of his poor casting abilities the thieves from Bucks continue their journey towards a burning hellhole (that I presume is meant to be Slough). This skinny guy with huge eyes turns up because he wants the ring, and quite rightly gets put on a leash. Meanwhile Cockneys attack loads of villages and some other things happen that culminate in a huge battle. To be honest the massive hell-storm of historical inaccuracies that Jackson decided to insist were real just got too much for me at this point, so I will say no more on the subject.

You've pushed me too far now Jackson, you and that blatant liar Ang ‘my film has a dragon in it' Lee. And it's not because I'm ‘emotionally unstable' (hear that Derek Palmers?) but because of your ludicrously inaccurate ‘historical' pap and Ang's horrendous false advertising. Why don't you both make a film together called ‘Gandhi' about the life of the leader of the famous Indian revolts? That way you could make sure there'd be no one called Gandhi in it and the British could be replaced by massive blue robots with laser eyes and hands that fired atomic rockets! Then of course JESUS would turn up on a horse (it was an ASS Jackson) being chased by something stupid, like a burning fish with legs and you'd BOTH get Oscars for it! Awwww man… I'm getting really angry now.

It's no good. I'm too furious to even rate this film! Actually, I'm not rating this film and I'm even going to take a point off my ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' review from the 4th October 2002! That puts it at a humiliating 8 points! That's my lowest award EVER Ang (except for Iron Eagle II)!

If you cry yourself to sleep tonight then you got off lightly.

Trainspotting (1996)

Irvine Welsh Tells Lies

[18 December 2003]

`Hello. I'm Irvine Welsh and I claim to know all about drugs.' That's what Irvine Welsh would say if you met him, thinking that he was all cool and clever. Well if I met him he'd probably say something different. Oh yes, he'd say something very different indeed. Actually he'd probably call security like most celebrities do, or tell me to put some clothes on. However, I wouldn't listen because I'd denounce him for the fraud that he is. Here's why:

In his fantasy film (because that's what it is, a fantasy! Just like Mary Poppins, The Wizard of Oz or The Patriot!), a man called Renton tries to get off drugs by locking himself in a room with some cans of soup, some porno magazines and an old mattress. Oh yeah right!

Thanks to stupid Virgin Airways and their overly sensitive cabin staff, I've kind of adopted this Koala. For reasons beyond my control the Koala ate about £9000 worth of crack cocaine on a flight from Australia and somehow didn't die. Well I threw it in my parent's spare room with all the required components (as per that liar Irvine's instructions) and sat back waiting for it to go cold turkey. But guess what? It didn't work!

What did happen was my parent's cat (who I hadn't noticed was on the bed) got all jittery and, well, the RSPCA have been onto me again. Technically I did nothing wrong and it was that little Aussie crack-head that should be going to court and not me. But apparently the police around here don't arrest marsupials, or so the community welfare officer told me. Like I believe anything she or Irvine says anymore.

In summary, I quite enjoyed some bits in ‘Train Spotting', like the bit at the beginning when Renton's saying, `Buy a car, buy a house, buy some gloves, watch some TV, eat some food, lay down, learn to swim, buy some cheese...' I thought that was quite useful information, but he soon stopped saying that. There was also a bit with a baby that got stuck in a gravity well, but that's all I can think of. The bits with the drugs seem very dated and out of touch with normal people's experience of narcotics, such as mine.

As I understand that taking drugs can sometimes be called ‘chasing the dragon' I will use my dragon related marking system and give it only 9 points. That's 9 points less than the excellent ‘Pete's Dragon' but a good 2 points more than ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. I would also like to stress that there are NO DRAGONS IN THIS MOVIE. Hear that Ang? That's called honesty.

GoldenEye (1995)

Bond takes too much nonsense!

[10 December 2003]

If I was Bond I wouldn't put up with any rubbish from Dame Judi Dench. If she started getting rude with me about being a dinosaur I'd tell her boss that she was ‘sexually harassing me' or ‘forcing me to work in a hostile environment'. She'd get fired and I'd get thousands of pounds for having my life ruined, which I spend on a new DVD player and a GameBoy Advance. That's what one of the girls did in my office, just before I got fired.

The other thing I'd do if I was Bond would be to marry Famke Janssen as she's really hot. The girls in Tomorrow Never Dies, The World is Not Enough and Die Another weren't as nice and I'd still be thinking about Famke even if I was making love to them. I'd get married on the cheap though and use the money I saved to buy a widescreen TV and a Sony surround sound system.

That stupid whale in ‘Free Willy' annoys the hell out of me, especially when he starts making annoying squeaky noises as he ‘speaks'. If I started squeaking like that I'd get put in a home for people with mental problems, but that dullard of an orca gets love and respect! Where's my love and respect? What have I got to do to get some love? Paint myself like a cow and live in a fish tank? If I did that people would think I was a retard, but not Willy! Oh no! He gets love by the bucket load and then swims off into the sunset, making everybody cry. But the lazy orca (who seemingly never likes to take responsibility for anything he does) returns in the sequel moaning about oil tankers and expecting humans to sort it all out! What more does that dullard want from us? We let you go Willy, so bog off and leave us alone!

In summary, I think that GoldenEye was a very good Bond film and had some enjoyable moments, particularly the tank chase and Famke Janssen being naughty. The only improvements I could think of would be an underground helicopter chase and hat that shot lasers, but these are only a minor points.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

Historically Inaccurate

[1/10 · 20 November 2003]

I've done my historical research and none of the stuff in this film actually happened. I mean 'The Patriot' and 'Braveheart' took liberties, but this is outrageous!

Firstly, I'm not sure where this 'Middle Earth' was (I'm guessing around the Leeds / Manchester area) and I assume that by 'The Shire' they're referring to Buckinghamshire. Well I used to live in Buckinghamshire Peter Jackson, and I can tell you it's nothing like what you show in the film. Next time you start slagging off a large English county I suggest that you do some proper research next time and actually visit the place! You'd be surprised to learn that less than HALF of people in Buckinghamshire are inbred and only 1 in 5 of them have extensively hairy feet.

If that's not bad enough Jackson then starts insulting dwarfs and Welsh people. Apparently everybody in Wales is a dwarf. Well if I was a short I would be horrified to be associated with the Welsh, even a Welshman like Colin Farrell (who's very talented). AND to make matters worse, he then goes on to LIE that the Welsh live in huge underground caverns. Just were does he get all this from? Is he on drugs?

Anyway, basically somebody Buckinghamshire finds this ring and goes back to a medieval version of Aylesbury (thankfully without the Aylesbury Vale District Council and their stupid 'must wear trousers' laws). I wasn't really paying attention, but apparently this ring is part of a set, like the kind you see in the Sunday Mirror Magazine. Well this guy call Sauron (I say guy, but actually he's just a huge eye! What's that about Jackson you mad Kiwi hack?! Where's Sauron from eh? Slough?) has nearly got the whole set of these rings and just needs the last one, then he can get the collectors display case or something. But apparently people from Buckinghamshire are all thieves now, so a group of these stunted drunkards run off with it, accompanied by Jesus (and he looks really old in this) and that gay guy in the tight shorts from GI Jane. What were they thinking? I could have told them things were going to go bad!

Next thing they meet up with this blonde chick with a bow, Sean bean and a Welshman who all join up to throw the ring in a Volcano. A volcano? In England? Oh I'm sorry Peter Jackson but there are no volcanoes in England, not even in Bedford, so that's another part of your story proved to be rubbish. Do more research! Naturally Sauron sends these medieval hells angels after his last ring as quite rightly he wants it back and Jesus goes and sees another Jesus (don't even get me started on this one) who turns out to be a bad Jesus! Jackson, exactly what happened in your head? Are you clinically insane?

Erm… I think then that the bad Jesus made some cockneys out of mud and then everyone went to Wales (where everyone was dead) and a burning giant with wings fell down a hole. Duh! Giants don't have wings! The giant then kills Jesus and things start to go bad, especially when all these cockneys (who do actually look like cockneys) turn up and kill Sean Bean and kidnap some of the guys from Bucks.

It's a good job I drank a bottle of cough syrup at this point because I was getting really angry, the angriest I've been since the flagrant false advertising of 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' (the only time I've been forcibly removed from a cinema). When I awoke I was in the Royal Bucks Hospital after apparently going berserk and shouting 'MY PRECIOUS. WANT'S IT SHE DOES!!' Well I'm sorry Aylesbury Crown Court but if running around the Civic Centre with no trousers on attacking female members of staff is 'berserk' then I hate to what would happen if something really serious happened.

If you want to watch a proper historical film then I'd recommend 'Krull', because it has a flying clavicle in it! But if your doing research for a piece of GCSE History course work, regarding the corn laws then definitely give 'Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring' a miss.

Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)

Mrs. Dubious Legal Advice

[18 November 2003]

Why is it that a man desperate to see his children, who dresses up like an old woman and invades his ex wife's home under the pretence that he/she's Irish is treated as a hero? When conversely I attempt to smuggle a Koala out of Australia, by dressing it up as an old woman, get a criminal record?

What kind of society do we live in where the good-natured costuming of a marsupial is considered a crime and the evil machinations of Robin Williams twisted mind goes unpunished? Okay. So the koala went berserk and the plane had to make an emergency landing, but does that really make me a criminal? And the Koala was carrying 7kg of cocaine.

It was these inaccurate parallels between real life and the sugarcoated world of Hollywood that spoiled this movie for me. Sure, everyday hundreds of fathers get separated from their children for no-good reason, but do they resort to transvestism? Well maybe some do and I'm sure they still love their children, but is that reason enough to make a film about it? Well maybe it is, but how can Hollywood endorse such blatant abuse of a man's right to dress up like a woman? Well it's probably because they'd make a lot of money in the process. I've forgotten what my point is.

Anyway, evil Robin Williams does a good job of convincing us that he's a sweet natured Scottish woman, who's like a kind of modern day, old, ugly, non-magical version of Marry Poppins. But don't forget, he's an actor. He's acting like that, concealing his real evil plan of getting access to his children so that he can be with them and watch them grow up. Well Robin Williams, you don't fool me! If I had a Welsh nanny and her breasts caught fire in a hilarious cooking incident I'd be straight onto the police, requesting a SWAT team or an ARV!

So here we are. With Robin Williams getting access to his children and me getting taken to court by the RSPCA for feeding cocaine to a koala (as if? Do you know how much that stuff costs? The stupid thing must have thought it was sherbet or something). It seems to me that the law has proven yet again that Hollywood has no idea about the real world, leaving un-trained writers and directors to feed the general public false legal advice.

In summary, I'd like to see a film where a female judge (played by Rosie O'Donnell) gets separated from her kids for sending an innocent animal loving man with a yet unproven medical need for cocaine to prison. She'd then see how biased the court system is when she's forced to dress up as a battleship to get access to her kids. And then a crack-addicted koala attacks her, with a machete.