rcbridii Reviews

The Beyond (1981)

Ridiculous... a Must See...

[6/10 · 28 December 2009]

This is even more ridiculous than I expected from an Italian horror movie. The gore is somewhere between gut-wrenching and hilarious... and I get the message that Fulci hates eyeballs. The plot... it's a beauty. The movie simply cannot make sense and it's hard to even convince yourself it ever can, particularly once it switches from bad attempt at haunted demonic horror to bad zombie movie. You'll scratch your head at why the zombies from Hell die from bullets to the head... and where they go after being killed if Hell is open... and why the hero cannot figure out after several encounters that only head shots work. The ending is a true gem... You should only see it once, but see it.

Lifeforce (1985)

Among the Best Stupid Movies of All Time

[9/10 · 28 December 2009]

This movie has everything a bad movie should have. Incoherent plot? Check. Ridiculous dialogue? Check. Funny special effects? Check. And it gets in some of the bonuses to go with a good bad movie also... It fits in a lot of pointless nudity, somehow making it integral to the plot... It's entertaining to watch more than once because the plot is so elusive and bizarre that you never quite get it. People who try to make stupid movies today lack what made this movie great. The movie isn't plot less... It's just the plot makes no sense and twists around whenever it starts to. And to state the plot in a single sentence, you'll sound like a lunatic talking about a dream. Contrary to popular belief the movie could survive without the nudity... which is another reason why it beats all modern day attempts to make stupid movies. Of course it's a good bonus to the movie... and there's more to it than that. The eyes of the actress playing "space vampire girl" are a bizarre mix of seductive and CRAZY... just as it should be (even if unintended).

Juno (2007)

I don't get the hype... It was okay.

[5/10 · 28 December 2009]

I remember hearing a lot of praise about this movie. The video store clerk acted as though it was one of the best movies ever made. It wasn't. Not by a long shot. Now perhaps I would have liked it better if I hadn't had expectations... I definitely would have had it not been for the annoying quasi-folk music and retro-seventies fashion and all the "art-film" pretense tossed in to every nook and cranny of the film. Hell, if it was just a comedy rather than a bad attempt at an art film it might have been much better... (the "it started with a chair" thing was pure pretentious pointlessness).

That said, it was a good story. And some of the lines were funny (usually the stepmother's). Of course most of the lines and the dialogue tossed in to give us "feeling" were nothing new. It's standard "indy film" stuff.

Oh how I long for the days when people can make a decent comedy without getting all "artsy."

Chemical Wedding (2008)

Decent

[6/10 · 7 December 2009]

I want to like this movie more as it is connected to Bruce Dickinson.

I liked the concept and the basic story structure enough to make up for the massive flaws in this movie. I thought at times the movie was more gratuitous than it needed to be for no good reason... and I hate to say it, but the music was done poorly. That's not to say I don't like it, but that there were points in the movie where dialogue was impossible to understand because the music was louder. I also got confused at the end, but to be fair it's probably because the copy I watched was scratched during about three minutes- right at the climax of the movie.

I thought it was interesting though. The plot was well thought-out even if it was a bit scrunched. I liked all the references to occultism and quantum physics. If Bruce Dickinson writes another movie, I'll watch it... but I'll hope for better next time.

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008 Video)

I should have known better...

[1/10 · 2 December 2009]

I didn't like the first one much. Why did I rent this? I hated this movie and it, in fact, led me to question why I bother renting any of these new b-movies (aside from the fact that the video store lacks the old ones I haven't seen).

This movie epitomizes everything I hate or am just sick of about modern b-flicks: 1. self-consciously "satirical" (if you consider fart jokes to fit within the definition of satire) 2. pretentiously anti-cliché (to the point of being cliché... ie if you see a baby, it's dying) 3. nihilistic tone 4. no plot (why can't these modern b-movie makers figure out that no-plot is not the same as a nonsensical plot. Good b-movies have nonsensical plots that are convoluted or too weird to understand) 5. too much of that "hip" BS... like the stupid character descriptions in the first one (the dating-ad things in this one were even more annoying... they might as well add "House of the Dead" style video game scenes and Matrix fighting) 6. pointlessly disgusting (not like disturbing... instead it's the equivalent of toilet jokes... retarded. When did obscenity replace disturbance as the measure for vulgar imagery in horror?) 7. Anti-climatic non-ending (When did this become cool?)

And then there are the things I hate specifically about this movie, even compared to its predecessor: 1. the monsters are slower and we see too much of them (they look stupid really) 2. The "plot" (for lack of better term) moves slower and goes nowhere

I will learn from my mistake this time and not watch 3.

Night Train to Terror (1985)

A Gem of Stupidity

[7/10 · 1 December 2009]

No matter how many times you watch it, it won't make sense. My guess is that, like Phantasm and other bizarre films from the seventies/eighties, it was intended to play like a nightmare (or a series of nightmares). The gore is cheap special effects. The nudity is pointless. But the best part of all for me (aside from the crazy plots) is the stop-motion claymation monster and gore effects. And not since "The Dungeonmaster" have we seen Bull from Night Court try so hard to be evil. Always a treat.

And for the record, I side with Satan on the fate of that wretched band.

Dagon (2001)

The Best Lovecraft Adaptation

[8/10 · 1 December 2009]

I haven't seen any other Lovecraft adaptation that stayed true and was done well. Reanimator was a good b-flick... but not really all that Lovecraftian...

Now one thing aside... This reminds me more of "Shadows Over Innsmouth" than "Dagon." And Dagon was a fish-thing, not a squid (that was Cthulhu)... But these are petty concerns.

The movie builds on the same kind of Gothic horror and anomie that Lovecraft used to terrify people... without coming off in that desensitized nihilistic manner that most films using anomie to scare would. It crushes your soul with overwhelming force of powers beyond human comprehension... and you feel it. That's how Lovecraft should be done.

Phenomena (1985)

This Movie Made Me an Argento Fan

[8/10 · 1 December 2009]

This movie is just so weird... That's really the only way to describe it. The brutal violence and disgusting corpse gore create a perfect disturbing atmosphere.

It amazes me just how brutal Argento's opening scenes are. Just like Susperia, it opens with a girl... the kind you'd just describe as "cute" not sexy. That just makes what happens to her all the more disturbing... the sheer overkill.

The story is absolutely ridiculous, and gets progressively more so... The psychic-bug thing is not the weirdest part of this movie.

And the film's score includes an Iron Maiden song.

God Told Me To (1976)

Crazy Movie

[8/10 · 1 December 2009]

This is exactly what is missing in modern (particularly post-80s)horror films. Take note, young Sam Raimi wannabes... Gore and pointless nudity are not enough to make a true cult classic. This movie is a prime example as it contains no real gore and only a little nudity- and it's done for horror value more than cheap arousal.

This movie epitomizes the weird plotting and over-the-top social commentary of the old B-flicks. I still can't say I fully understand what exactly the metaphysical reality is that was being portrayed... but I do know what it was in rebellion against- and that's what counts. The weirdness of the plot will keep you hooked in, much in the way of a Lovecraft story (the kind of horror story that usually doesn't do well on film). And you'll be asking questions at the end.

When Evil Calls (2006)

Digital Tech Makes Movie-Making Cheap... and this is the side effect

[2/10 · 1 December 2009]

It's kind of like someone saw Wishmaster and said "Gee... I'd like to take a whack at that." I understand the movie was meant to be "funny" but the humor was so low-brow and juvenile that it made most zombie flicks seem like art films.

The twists on the wishes were not creative... the wishes themselves were worded in such a way that you can see what's coming. The drunk French cop schtick is annoying. And worst of all... the breaking into "episodes". What kind of youtube crap is that?

I kind of wish celluloid was still the medium so that amateurs like this could be priced out. Not every film student is a Sam Raimi... and some aren't should not be allowed near a camera.

Pathology (2008)

Better than most modern horror flicks

[6/10 · 1 December 2009]

I couldn't tell if this was going to be really stupid or really good... It was neither. Truth be told, I would have enjoyed a stupid zombie flick more, but the plot was pretty original and the style was great- two rarities for horror flicks these days.

The movie was created to be disturbing in every way and they pulled it off. The imagery and the attitudes were gratuitous, violent and dark. Even the nude scenes were disgusting- either violent sado-masochistic sex or corpses having its guts pulled out (haha... You can always lure people in by telling them there's a full frontal shot of Alyssa Milano, then watch their horrified/disgusted expression when they see how the scene goes)

Unlike most horror flicks these days, the ending seemed inspired... even if a bit predictable. The weakness is in the beginning I think. The character "turns evil" just a little too easily. I can buy how he'd kill his first victim for the slippery slope, but I think he jumped Juliet's bones just a bit to quickly for believability- if we are to be convinced of his decency before meeting the others. But I understand... Too much build-up makes a movie too long. Where they really needed the extra time was in the prelude to the ending when he blows up most of the bad guys... That scene was stupid and needs far more explanation.

Cemetery Man (1994)

Sick European Stuff

[2/10 · 29 November 2007]

I am starting to grow prejudiced against European movies. I don't mind the Dario Argento variety, but the twisted horror-comedies in Europe are too sexually deviant and pretentiously artsy for my tastes. This movie has only built upon my prejudice. I think I will stay away from "funny" European artsy horror flicks from now on. If they're your kind of thing, power to you. This is a warning for people like me, Americans who liked movies like Dead Alive and read the back of this movie, figuring they'd get something along that line. If you're along that line, forget it. The movie is supposed to be "brainy" but I think it really just comes off as a lame art flick with zombies and sex. Personally I like good horror movies and psychological flicks to be separate from stupid movies. If you too like to keep things polarized in this manner, avoid this movie.

28 Weeks Later (2007)

Reminds me of why I hated the first one

[3/10 · 29 November 2007]

I forgot over time just how bad the first movie was... how mind-numbingly boring... how pretentiously dark and serious... I just remembered hating the ending because it felt like they just ran out of time and money. I can say that 28 Weeks is better on that note. It has a real plot and a real ending. But it feels worse... because after seeing it, I felt I should have known better. It is a contradiction of terms to have a serious zombie movie. No matter how seriously the subject is taken, it comes off as silly. The overtones of seriousness don't help anymore than they did with The Blair Witch... They just add to the feeling that the viewer is being fooled into thinking they are watching a good movie rather than a dumb one. I like my dumb movies to be upfront...

This time I'll remember. When 28 Months Later comes out I'll remember to skip it.

1408 (2007)

Pretty Good Flick

[8/10 · 29 November 2007]

The acting was good. The story was good (obviously- it's Stephen King). And the movie was well-executed. I have nothing negative to say about the film. It wasn't the best I've seen, but I can't really say anything bad about it. It's a simple ghost story with a fairly familiar plot... but it's weaved with enough creativity to make it work. It's not for the slasher film fan. It's a slow-moving, cerebral horror movie. It contains enough twists to keep you on your toes... possibly even confuse you. It doesn't dwell much on "whys". It's about the feeling of horror, not about a message. Like I said, it's Stephen King. If you like King, you'll like this movie.

Dead & Deader (2006 TV Movie)

A Good Stupid Flick

[6/10 · 29 November 2007]

This is the kind of stupid horror film I miss from the '80s and '90s. It's not focused on being shocking, but on being entertaining, funny, and only mildly disturbing. A zombie movie should be funny (Romero can pull off a semi-serious zombie... but we've seen the failure that was the 28 Days movies)and that's what you get with this movie. It's a ridiculous premise, and that's fine given the nature of the movie. It's filled with dumb clichés and that works for this kind of movie. It's a good laugh movie for people who like dumb zombie flicks. Nothing more. Nothing less. It has the silly horror humor of classics like The Stuff. There is not a serious thing in this movie.

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Ending the Series on a Sour Note

[6/10 · 28 November 2007]

This movie was pale in comparison to the other two. The problem: Too many villains. Despite what Hollywood thinks, not always a good thing. In the first two movies Green Goblin and Doctor Octopus were well-developed and given depth. In 3, the villains were only plot contraptions, especially Venom... who was reduced to an "evil Spidey" (what's with Venom being a little wimp and shooting black webs) and a paradox to give the whole "choice" message contrasting the character's revenge ideals. The Sandman plot was uninspired and cheesy, despite Sandman being the best developed villain in the movie. The New Goblin was even disappointing despite all the preperation in the other movies. Like I said they were just plot contraptions rather than characters. I think they should have left Venom out of the movie and focused on the other villains, maybe some other minor villain (they wasted one of Spidey's best adversaries by tossing Venom in)and the symbiote (the real villain of the story) and save Eddie Brock's transformation for the end as an opening for Spidey 4. Now who are they going to use for Spidey 4? The Vulture? The series is over and ended on a bad note.

Big Bad Wolf (2006)

They Got the "Bad" Part Right!

[1/10 · 28 November 2007]

I only watched the first half hour before giving up. I wasn't expecting much. I was expecting a dumb horror flick. I guess that's what I got... But it was too dumb. What happened to the days when stupid horror flicks that are good only for laughs were at least witty and clever? This is the sophomoric crap I've come to expect from three quarters of the low budget horror movies made in this decade. The monster was stupid-looking, had a cheesy voice, and had extremely lame lines and actions. Failed attempt to match the typical Wes Craven witty monster (Freddy, Wishmaster, Horace Pinker) combined with more sexually explicit junk to make it seem more over-the-edge. It was over-the-edge alright. It fell off into the toilet.

Creepshow 3 (2006 Video)

Not as Good as the Old Ones but Funny

[5/10 · 28 November 2007]

It certainly didn't live up to the Creepshows that used Stephen King stories (not that I expected anything else would live up to King), but I found it at least enjoyable. It beat most of the horror flicks of this decade, but I suppose it is not a must-see by any measure of the word. I guess mostly I just liked the second story involving the talking radio. The rest of it I could do without, but at least it wasn't painful. It was more a comedy than a horror film. And it was a lot of cheesy humor. The worst parts were vampire scenes. I've never seen more retarded looking vampires in my life. But overall it was good for a laugh.

Feast (2005)

Mixed Feelings...

[6/10 · 28 November 2007]

This was overall worth renting (glad I didn't pay new release price). High Points: A lot of gore, a lot of cheap shots at horror movie clichés, cheesy humor, ugly monsters. Low Points: The stupid text introductions of the characters at the beginning of the movie embody the problem with the movie: the humor in the movie is often taken too far. It's funny at first, then it gets old. By the time the movie was over I was just waiting for the end. The movie would probably be better as a video game. But like I said, it was better than a lot of movies I've seen lately. I suppose the big problem is that I actually expected more.

Beneath Still Waters (2005)

Disappointing

[2/10 · 28 November 2007]

I'm a fan of Yuzna, but this movie sucked. It was boring. That's all I can really say. I didn't even see the ending. I had to pause the movie and upon coming back decided it wasn't worth another 15 minutes of my life. I kept expecting it would get good. I kept expecting something profound or neat to happen. But nope. Just some of the worst zombies I've ever seen and some dark satanic figure with bad lines. And a lot of pointless dialogue that almost put me to sleep. Yuzna should stick to Lovecraft adaptions. He is much more inspired when dealing with them. A movie like this should get more interesting as the plot advances, not less so. I never read the book, but I have to imagine it's better than this movie turned out. It seemed to me more poorly carried out than poorly plotted.

The Insatiable (2006)

Better Than Expected

[6/10 · 28 November 2007]

This looked like one of those movies that would either be really good or really bad. Odds usually are in favor of really bad. This one surprised me by turning out "pretty good". Not terrible. Not great. The acting was good and the writing was good and I was happily surprised to see it wasn't one of those annoying erotic vampire stories with tons of nudity and Gothic crap but no plot. Rather it was a Clerks-style comedy with a vampire drama underneath. On the other hand, I thought it was a bit slow-moving. But overall it was worth my time. I was expecting it would be one of the rentals I'd regret, a high-risk gamble gone wrong... but it was probably the best of the movies I rented for that night (of course that isn't saying much).