jessegehrig Reviews

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

If I watch it again it will at least be on mute, maybe I'll play some music over it

[2/10 · 7 May 2024]

Error after error, an unrelenting series of miscalculations that someone filmed and then edited. I don't understand why things happen. Sometimes the movie was a musical. I think the movie was trying to be raunchy and hilariously inappropriate, different unintended things occurred instead. The real horror and gore had to have been behind the scenes, when the cameras stopped rolling that's when the monsters came out. Check out Kate Graham's IMDb page, it's got no photo of her cause she ain't working in acting, her bio's one paragraph listing the three things she was ever in- now I'm not making any sort of substantiated claims, but I'm totally gonna lay all the blame at this movie's feet but I'll use fancy language to hide my intentions, genius.

Hercules (1983)

Movie review written by mentally ill man, what could go wrong

[8/10 · 4 May 2024]

Hercules, in ancient Greek means, he who cannot find pants or a shirt. This movie is about a hero's journey to find suitable clothes to wear out in public and he fights like robotic monsters for some reason. And nobody at any point in the movie seems to notice that Hercules just walks around in like a sweaty loincloth and some sandals, and it would have been hard not to notice because Hercules is a big dude. So I don't know what was going on on olde timey Greece but they were not paying attention to whether people had clothes on or just wearing like their underwear and a sword, I mean it's like maybe that's why crazy stuff happened in olden times because people had no standards?

Barbarella (1968)

Have you ever heard that Doors song, "Touch me babe"?

[8/10 · 26 April 2024]

People are always asking me what is Barbarella about, and I tell them, okay take your left hand and with your thumb and forefinger pinch them together and make a circle, now you take your right hand and with your forefinger insert it into the circle you made with your lefthand thumb and forefinger, stick your right finger in and then withdraw it then reinsert and then withdraw, repeat the process several more times and that is what Barbarella is about. The plot is you dim the lights lie in bed and imagine Barbarella in various stages of undress whilst using your hands to touch up all over your human body.

Lupin III: The Castle of Cagliostro (1979)

My summary counts as an eleventh star, so really it's rated 11 out of 10

[10/10 · 13 April 2024]

First off, the soundtrack is exquisite, like late 70's Asian jazz stuff, smooth. My favorite Miyazaki movies and I would argue it's the best but yes I am also fully aware of Spirited Away, so I will just say it easily one of Miyazaki's best. The colors are so pure, each character is rendered in an elegant unforgettable color scheme, an example would be Cagliostro's red/black/violet color scheme. It's a classic Lupin the 3rd story, where like halfway through Lupin has to team up with Zenegata and Fujiko makes an appearance offering Lupin much and delivering on little. But the real prize of the movie is Miyazaki's action scenes, I always forget it's animated when I watch Lupin barely escape each successive danger.

Manhattan (1979)

Talky talkin'

[9/10 · 10 April 2024]

I guess I'm still deciding what's this movie's deal. It utterly depends upon dialog but also nothing said by any character has any real meaning. Like it's just blather filling up every scene and no one is likable. Woody Allen put forward a considerable amount of effort into the dialog so it's curious to me how unnecessary every word is, so now I gotta wonder if he did it on purpose, put in all that useless blather and then repeatedly save each scene with the cinematography. Because Manhattan is a beautiful movie, had it been shot in color it wouldn't have harmed the film a hair regardless of what the black and white lobby might suggest. The city was sanctified by the cinematography or at least is was shot to seem that way.

The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

This is a movie review

[1/10 · 5 April 2024]

The fashion industry is dependent upon slave labor, specifically vulnerable women and orphan kids. How is that not awesome? That the least among us deserving to toil uncompensated can work night and day to make you your pretty shoes! We live! Oh the glories a cracked whip can afford you, for the mere price of blood, sweat and tears and also dreams differed, you can be fashionable. How does that taste to you? Did you enjoy the flavor of a child's suffering? Just think, enslaving women and children to make clothes has been going on for tens of thousands of years like some grand unlimited evil forever perpetuated for the sake of someone you don't know telling you, " nice shirt."

Get Him to the Greek (2010)

Jesse Gehrig's 2024 vindication tour

[1/10 · 3 April 2024]

They said I was a comedy-snob because I rejected this movie outright. They said I was weird because I thought Russell Brand was a creep. They said I didn't know what I was talking about when I said Sean "Puffy" Combs didn't belong in movies because there's a flaw within him, I mean I'm paraphrasing some this. But my overarching theme here is I was made to feel wrong for thinking this movie was garbage. But you know, I did finally sit down and watch Get Him To The Greek recently and I was RIGHT! Oh my God! You people and the nonsense that comes out of your mouths and I let you lecture me about giving stuff a chance instead of trusting my instincts.

Ichi the Killer (2001)

Armchair psychology 101

[10/10 · 2 April 2024]

Ichi the Killer is not a crime drama, nor is it a psychological study of its characters. Ichi the Killer is a mirror, you just see yourself reflected back at you. The plot, the characters, the gore and violence, it's all you and what you see within yourself. Kakihara is not a sadist, Ichi is not sexually repressed, Jijii is not seeking revenge and Kaneko is not the tragic father of his doomed son. The mind sees what it wants to see. People want to write about what Ichi the Killer means, and it has no meaning and neither is it meaningless. Ichi the Killer is about you, this is your story. Heart eyes emoji.

My Uncle (1958)

I should learn French, that's just for me and not the title of my summary

[10/10 · 19 March 2024]

I cannot recommend this one to anybody, you gotta be real messed up in the head to like this movie and I'm crazy and I fudging love it. It's so French and no one in it is an international movie star or sex symbol. The scenes are all full of characters and sets, few close ups if any, each scene a Tableau if you will, ha. Oh my God and the comedy is so delicate and small it's like a grape sized piece of chocolate that cost 150 dollars and tastes worth it- there's no reasonable way to enjoy this movie, I've had to resort to being unreasonable. Oh my God what happens in this movie makes me so happy it only confirms I'm losing my mind.

The Princess Bride (1987)

Best picture of 1987 according to moi

[10/10 · 11 March 2024]

The 1987 Oscar for best picture was awarded to Platoon, Princess Bride wasn't even nominated. As of 2024, Princess Bride is obviously the superior film. It had a smaller budget than Platoon as well as a smaller cast, and Platoon had objectively better cinematography, but that said Princess Bride still feels like a bigger movie than Platoon and each cast member of Princess Bride is practically a hero, Andre the Giant Robin Wright Wallace Shawn Mandy Patinkin and so on, and while shot on a smaller scale than Platoon so many more scenes are unforgettable in the Princess Bride. Also if you consider how many quotable lines are in the Princess Bride compared to Platoon, I think it's made plain that Princess Bride has superior writing aswell.

The Thing (1982)

Still scary as of 2024

[10/10 · 5 March 2024]

If I have to use a Woman's restroom and there is blood on the toilet seat, it's most likely menstrual blood, which isn't great but it's not terrifying. If I use a Men's restroom and there is blood on the toilet seat, it's John Carpenter's The Thing and I now need a flamethrower. I am constantly amazed by how thoroughly terrifying that movie is for me. So much of my waking life I find myself considering how I would deal with the Thing, which is insane because more than likely the Thing would easily kill me. John Carpenter made one of the all time scariest movies ever with The Thing, and to hear bimbos wax poetic about Halloween, and I'm like " you fudging amateurs. "

The Legend of Hercules (2014)

Answer a question with another question

[2/10 · 2 March 2024]

I feel like Reny Harlin did a bad job directing the movie that or the studio heads ruined the movie with committee meetings and focus groups. Like why is it historically accurate to have ancient Greeks speak in Elizabethan British dialogue and like this is not a knock on Kellan Lutz but he could have delivered a better performance if he could speak in contemporary English. And then it's all shouting dialogue and shirtless dudes and swordplay. I don't know I mean maybe there were a hundred different agendas Reny Harlin and the movie's producers had to deal with just to get The Legend of Hercules made, but if that's the case why make a forgettable bomb of a movie in the first place?

Bird on a Wire (1990)

It's not called Bread On A Wire because I don't know what that movie is about

[3/10 · 17 February 2024]

But I do know what this movie is about. Not going to follow that sentence up instead, did you know they worked crazy hard to film the zoo sequence at the end? It's like all this hassle they got florists running around watering plants and animal wranglers hoping no animal breaks loose all for some overly elaborate end shoot-out scene and it's like guys, why not just write that Mel Gibson's character worked at some convenient warehouse or Soundstage? You guys are working against yourselves, also Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn had no chemistry, all the movie's acting was them two trying to pass off like they liked each other.

Princess of Mars (2009 Video)

Traci Lords!

[9/10 · 13 February 2024]

This movie is great! Also it's not very good. There are a lot of problems that hold this movie back from being a legitimate movie, but I'm willing to overlook all of that. Antonio Sabato Jr. Has a great head of hair, that's a solid hairline dude, good job. It seems tangential to the movie, but I've seen enough Bosley hair solutions commercials in my life to know that men would kill, literally kill, for Antonio Sabato Jr. Hair. Huh? How do you like that assessment of the human race, or at least dudes? Pretty spot on? Anyways the real star is Traci Lords because the movie is called Princess of Mars, not Dude Can't Find A Shirt.

Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One (2023)

Definitely a review of this movie and not Fire Emblem Three Houses

[10/10 · 11 February 2024]

So Fire Emblem Three Houses is the best video game I have ever played. When the game came out in July of 2019, I specifically took a week off from work just to play it obsessively and use drugs. I didn't play another video game for two years. Nintendo would send me a review of all the video games I had played throughout the year and it would just say Fire Emblem Three Houses and then how many hours I had spent playing the game. That is love, it may be sad and it may be ugly, but that is day in day out devotion to avoiding my life- and it was fudging wonderful! Glorious darkness, I sing your name!

Alien from L.A. (1988)

My review of this movie

[2/10 · 4 February 2024]

A lot of money was misspent. Ideas, which should have been rejected, were instead funded by a small fortune all to make for you Alien in from LA. They had sets and people had to build them, somebody was in charge of costumes and you know they were doing whatever it took to not get fired without actually trying to not get fired, cameras and film purchased with questionable financing because who is paying for a Golan Globus movie? It's rated PG which means no feature of genuine existence will be shown, that means no cursing, nudity, violence, or gore but kinda promising a little bit of skin but not delivering.

Short Circuit 2 (1988)

Villainy!

[1/10 · 23 January 2024]

Let's use comparisons and equivalents to review this movie, if the first Short Circuit movie was a pile of radioactive human feces and this movie managed to be much worse, then how much more radioactive and larger would that pile of human feces be? The answer is Short Circuit 2, although as answers go its not very informative. And how do people like this movie? Like all other reviewers hedge their comments within the phrase, " I saw this when I was younger ", like that somehow absolves you from being honest about how you will not choose to see this movie again unless money is offered or you're forced to watch at gunpoint.

Under Siege (1992)

Love baby, that's what we'd be making

[4/10 · 5 January 2024]

The script was a bar napkin that read, Die Hard but on a battleship. And if you for whatever reason bought Under Siege on DVD, on the back in red ink it also reads, Die Hard on a battleship. Do you want to know what the movie is about? Steven Seagal is an amazing action star because he in no way looks like an action star. Some potbelly aikido master can't even run like a normal human and then there's like always a weirdly edited knife fight where Steven is supposed to be showing off his awesome aikido skills because when Bruce Lee uses nunchucks in like The Chinese Connection or Enter the Dragon, it's really Bruce actually using nunchucks and it's super badass, and like Steve Seagal is not.

Battlefield Earth (2000)

Fudge can be eaten or exclaimed

[3/10 · 31 December 2023]

Oh man I'm so lit up, like barely able to focus on what letters I'm typing. And people want to make fun of this movie cause it's so bad and all those people are correct. Their desparaging remarks are super accurate. Hey, have you ever tried combining weed and alcohol, it works great, I recommend that level of wasted and how that relates to this movie is by combining booze and dank nugs makes this movie so much more watchable because they did so bad making Battlefield Earth. I mean whatever validity the filmmakers were looking for was ruined on the first day of filming and only escalated with each passing day. When a flamethrower is the only way to fix your movie, that means you fudged up.

Dolittle (2020)

You can advertise this movie on a paper cup

[1/10 · 7 December 2023]

The beginning features animation that is beautiful. The animated intro of Dolittle is so lovely and creative and it's such a shocking disappointment for the live action film to take over. Oh my God you guys should have totally just made the animated version of the movie, it's insane how exactly correct you the filmmakers were on the animation. So Robert Downey Jr. Mumbled and muttered all of his unintelligible dialog and it makes me think the director had him do that to hide the terrible writing. There are child actors, yeah I didn't hire them. To all future filmmakers who might read this review, don't hire child actors or Christopher Lambert.

Dead & Breakfast (2004)

I own this on DVD, that is my bad

[1/10 · 3 December 2023]

If this movie was my employee I would fire them. If this movie was my boss I would quit that job. I was going to wait until the end before I gave my review, but 22 minutes in, I have assumed I know how it all works out. Hello I'm talking about Dead and Breakfast, it's a movie that is bad. A lot of questions arise, and they're mean questions that are really demeaning to the filmmakers. Again, remember I'm now 26 minutes in and totally confident that this movie sucks, the remaining minutes will not redeem this movie, I'm willing to wager money on it, where is sports gambling when I need it cause I would bet money this movie can't beat the spread.

Halloween (I) (2018)

Don't worry I won't spoil the ending for you

[1/10 · 17 November 2023]

Whatever the total running time of the movie is, at least 15 of those minutes is scenes of people running and screaming or struggling and screaming as Michael Meyers murders them. These movies aren't formulaic, Halloween movies are dogmatic. If these movies were merely formulaic that would imply that there's an infantesimal degree of variation between each film, whereas these movies are religiously exactly the same. Michael Meyers murdering people is always treated with such fetishistic devotion that I'm seriously concerned about the reasons the filmmakers had for making these movies, like what are these people masturbating to?

Alien: Resurrection (1997)

I know exactly who you are and where you came from

[2/10 · 12 November 2023]

Wow, this movie is way better than Aliens 3 and this movie is a piece of crap! Like a bicycle with one wheel is better than a bicycle with no wheels, because you could at the least have a unicycle and unicycles are so stupid. Like when I see a busker on a unicycle doing stupid crap like juggling or swallowing swords or like breathing fire, I don't know, I still know that goon on a unicycle is way better than any magician, which is also known as a bike with no wheels. Magicians are terrible and so is Aliens 3, and if you're thinking I should just write a review of Aliens 3 instead of lazily trying to make this about Alien Resurrection, I already wrote a review of Aliens 3 ( fade out on my maniacal laughter ).

Adaptation. (2002)

Are flowers beautiful?

[10/10 · 31 October 2023]

It's about loneliness and desperation. It's about being a part of life, an integral part of existence itself but being unaware of how you fit into the scheme. A movie I never chose to watch but once having seen I knew instantly that I would watch Adaptation again. I knew right away I would buy a copy on whatever format was available specifically so that if I needed, and I mean needed to see the movie again I could watch it whenever that need might arise. This is a movie I don't talk about unless someone else is already talking about it, because otherwise I like to keep it my little secret, something I don't need to share.

Fainaru faito - Saigo no ichigeki (1989)

I am saying positive things I gave it 1 star cause I was confused

[1/10 · 27 October 2023]

I recently saw the movie Blood Fight and it was amazing! But I don't think it was supposed to be amazing in the kind of way I was amazed. Blood Fight is amazing like the band Styx or amazing like a bald guy with a ponytail. And if I was a record producer way back in the day and I had a chance to sign the band Styx to a recording contract, I would pass on them. And then later, after Styx had made it big and like we run into each other at some Hollywood party and they would be all like, " look at us we made it big and you had your chance to sign us and you passed on us!" I would be okay with that.