ZMBKLR Reviews

Hostel (2005)

What a vile piece of garbage!

[1/10 · 23 January 2006]

And to think I thought that Cabin Fever was a piece of garbage! Hostel was worse. In fact, I'll list it as one of the worst 'horror' films I've ever seen. The story stunk, the characters were unlikable boors - the typical 'ugly' Americans. In fact, the only one who I even liked was Oly. The brutality in it was a descendant of the crummy and overrated Last House on the Left, and unfortunately since Quentin Tarantino, obviously no judge of talent is Roth's 'mentor', I'm sure that more garbage will be coming from this 'director'. Amazing that with all the great novels out there, waiting to be adapted, crap like this gets the money to be made. Simply amazing. I'll put this in the "SAW" category of too dumb to ever see again. I'd say more, but that would lead to spoilers, and I wouldn't want to do that to someone who might actually want to see this crapfest. Want to see a good or great horror film? Skip this one.

Land of the Dead (2005)

Needed More Time, could have been better

[6/10 · 4 July 2005]

I love Zombie movies, Shaun of the Dead was nearly perfect. I was hoping that Land would be too, but it really missed the mark on a lot of points. First it should come after Day of the Dead. Compare the zombies and the ones in land are too fresh looking. Second, who the hell would care about money when the dead rule the world? This could have been a classic, but instead, since Romero was too intent on giving viewers a politics lesson, it's just OK. I also found that the 'defenses' of Fiddlers Green were kind of ridiculous. Three strands of electrified wire? Why not pile up some cars and such. Also, the draw bridges are up but there's still power to them? What if an invading army like the bikers in Dawn show up? And where did they get their power? Well, I liked it, but I didn't love it. It ranks below Shaun and 28 Days Later (which is not a zombie film anyhow!).

War of the Worlds (2005)

A Travesty of a film

[2/10 · 4 July 2005]

First; this isn't a rethinking (a word I'm totally sick of) of the original film, nor is it a true adaptation (even updated) of the classic novel. What it is, honestly, is a post 9/11 mish-mosh that plays on peoples fears as well as lifting the best parts from the book and the 1953 film, while adding a silly and contrived sub-plot.

So where do we start? Like this:

The Good: The SFX was spectacular. The destruction was absolutely beautifully done. The War machines were awesome (and a bit of a nod to the old Classics Illustrated version); the aliens were somewhat original, but reminded me of the creatures from ID4 for some reason, and they had the hands of the Martians from the 1953 version. One of the end scenes is a homage to the end of the original film.

Other good: The lifting of the Ferry getting flipped by the Tripod as it crosses the Hudson was right out of the novel. Of course in the Novel the Steamram, Thunderchild destroys that Tripod by ramming it. Also earlier in the book a Martian capsule is destroyed by artillery fire. (See the bad for more on this).

The Bad: David Koepp and Steven Spielberg should be ashamed of themselves for allowing this crappy story to see daylight. The 9/11 references are way too

plentiful. As someone who watched in unfold from my home and had to wash the ash off my car, I found this irresponsible and unnecessary. Can't one simply make a great SF movie (see original War of the Worlds for an example) without beating the audience over the head with symbolism reminding us of a real event? Another thing, the whole Tom Cruise as divorced dad was so damned contrived as to be silly. What, a single person isn't going to want to survive this kind of horror as much as a married person? Also the kids had no personality. The son was a bland, anti-Dad kind of guy, all Dakota Fanning did was stare and scream. This whole aspect of the plot just bored me. If Koepp was adapting/updating the book, then why did the aliens have shields, ala the 1953 version? In the book the Tripods are tough, but two of them are brought down with 19th century weapons. Also the scene where Gene Barry chops off one of the aliens spy devices (on a long neck) is lifted for this film. Hey dudes, that didn't happen in the book, OK? Finally, if these aliens had been here for millions of years, having planted their war machines, why the hell didn't they think to test our air and water? Yes, the ending is right out of the book with the aliens dying of Terran bacteria, but it makes no sense. In the original film and book, there was no preparation time, the aliens landed and started blasting us out of existence. So these aliens, who have some kind of Transporter technology, didn't have the brains to check things out first? Were these cousins to the morons from Signs, who came to a planet 70 percent water so they

could die?

The Ugly; At the beginning, when the aliens are riding lightning down to Earth, all electrical power shuts off. How was this one guy able to freaking take pictures with his camcorder? Also, can someone explain the physics of a heat ray that dissolves human beings but doesn't destroy their clothing? This was a very heavy handed parallel to the deaths on 9/11, which was unnecessary. A

further point, Cruises son goes to watch the military take on the aliens, the entire brigade is wiped out - yet his son survives to make it to an untouched (mostly Boston). In fact at the very laughable end, Cruise and his daughter make it to Boston, see the machines start to topple and fall. Cruise notices birds sitting on the one machine (another homage to the book, where the

astronomer sees the birds feeding on the dead Martians), yet trained military men don't? He notices the shield is down? And when he gets to his ex-wife's parents home, the block is untouched. Looks like a Sunday morning. And his son is there, it looks like they've all been wakened from breakfast! This was just a silly excuse for a 'message' film, that failed to give me any message at all, other than Steven Spielberg shouldn't be allowed to do SF. A.I. stunk, Minority Report was a joke and if I never see this again, well I'll be pretty damn content. The original film was much better and probably had

1/100th of the budget. The difference is the original film and book both entertain without beating a reader/watcher over the head, while this ham-handed

mistake of a film doesn't.

Finally, save yourself some money and wait and rent this one out.

Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation (2004 Video)

Starship Drek is more like it.

[2/10 · 9 November 2004]

While the original was really a lame adaptation of a great novel, the sequel was worse. Virtually no budget, pedestrian direction and acting, some gratuitous nudity by a woman who should sue her plastic surgeon and a stupid ending. The idea behind it, about the bugs developing a bug that can take over humans, was the only good idea - too bad it was put on screen in such a crappy way. This was just another direct to video loser and should never have been made. But then, while watching the original, I could only wonder, "Why wasn't James Cameron directing this?" At least then we would have had better acting, the fighting suits that were an essential part of the novel and probably a more cohesive story. Still, the original Starship Troopers is an academy award winner compared with this drek.

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

A frozen waste of time...

[2/10 · 30 May 2004]

First, does Emmerich hate NYC? He blasts us in ID4 (another stupid movie, see War of the Worlds instead), sends us that Lame Godzilla and now this. He needs to meet a NYer and get punched in the face! (Joking). This film was a stinker. Pseudo-science, a moron VP who was so obviously Dick Cheney, three good acting performances (Quaid, Tomita and Holm - who was wasted in this role) and a bunch of great SFX DON'T MAKE A GREAT FILM! The matrix sequels had great SFX and were boring as all hell. This wasn't as dull, but it was as dumb. Ice Ages do not happen in ten days. People do not freeze to death in seconds, but that's beside the point. Most of the cast seems to sleepwalk through this and the dialogue is so lame. The guy I rooted most for was the Homeless guy with the Dog. They made it, that made me pretty happy. The political sub messages I could have done without. This was just another over budgeted, understoried popcorn film. Between remakes and less than good scripts, I wonder why I even go to the movies. I will say that the SFX were spectacular, but the film wasn't. Wait for DVD or PPV.

Hellboy (2004)

Helluva Good Film!

[10/10 · 3 April 2004]

As a fan of the comic, I was so pleased at how well this film came out! Del Toro did a superb job and it's clear that his heart was really in this film. The cast was excellent with Ron Perlman stealing the entire film. He was so freaking cool in this role, it was great to see him as a headliner. The production was superb as well, HB came across just like he did in the comics, a guy who occasionally interrupts his own life to go fight monsters. Selma Blair was awesome as Liz and I really loved that flame effect. It give me hope for the Human Torch when the FF movie comes out. This is a really wonderfully fun film that rocks from beginning to end. Superb!

Cabin Fever (2002)

Should have been called CRAP FEVER

[1/10 · 19 March 2004]

I am so tired of the hillbillies vs. city folk idea that it makes me wonder why I watched this! Obviously the same moron critics who thought Blair Witch (bleah!) was high concept, saw this and suckered me in. This was one of the dumbest films ever made. They didn't even go with the strong female role, both women are there to either be a)Naked or b)killed. The entire cast was virtually unlikable and deserved death. Mind telling me why people are drinking and bathing in water that's coming from a virtual mosquito breeding ground pond? No? Didn't think so. And what was with the nutty kid biting people? Where the hell did that fit into the story? Ah, at least the hillbillies get theirs in the end, thanks to the Lemonade Stand. This was a lame, boring, silly film and was just too stupid to ever watch again!

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

What a piece of CRAP!!

[1/10 · 30 October 2003]

When I voted for this film, I was wishing that IMDB had a 0 or negative stars. This was one of the worst pieces of crap I ever set eyes on. If I had paid (borrowed the DVD) to see this, I'd have wanted my money back. Whoever gave Rob Zombie the money to make this ludicrous, poorly written, crummily directed, shot, edited and acted piece of crap should be made to watch it over and over until they are insane. This was without a doubt, one of the most useless wastes of cinema ever! Even the original and vastly overrated Texas Chainsaw Massacre was better. Amaturish at best, absolute garbage at worst, it just shows how far Hollywood has fallen. Not an ounce of originality in this worthless waste of time and effort. Excuse me while I go watch Night of the Living dead and see a good film.

Spirited Away (2001)

One of the greatest Animated Films EVER!

[10/10 · 18 April 2003]

This is one of the greatest animated films ever. It contains everything that Disney films of recent make have not; heart, humor, love and great characters. Sprited Away does exactly that for the viewer, it spirits one away with its lovely backgrounds, intersting characters and beautiful animation. It may be Mr. Miyazaki's masterpiece, but I'm sure he has more to come! He's an amazing creative mind and I can see why Disney snapped up the release rights to his films. I can only wait anxiously for his next film!

The Core (2003)

What a lame loser of a film!

[3/10 · 31 March 2003]

This film came straight out of the LOST IN SPACE no Science category. It had a decent early build up with the birds going wild due to an interruption of the Earths magnetic field. But when they decide to go into the world, it's just a lame rehash of another beat film, Armageddon. The acting is wooden or hysterical (Stanley Tucci especially), the part where they leave the ship inside the earth, oh it's only 8000 psi but the suits are protecting us is pure silliness. I've seen worse, but this was pretty beat.

Signs (2002)

A waste of my money

[1/10 · 12 August 2002]

This was quite possibly, with the exception of A.I., one of the worst films I've been displeased to sit through. What a contrived bunch of nonsense. So a bunch of naked aliens, who came trillions of miles (and really had no place in the film), who can't break down a door (please note that one door that gets boarded up opens AWAY from the boards), can't (even though they have five inch claws) claw through some bags of dog food and are vulnerable to WATER (then why come to a planet which, along with it's inhabitants are 70% water?), help a man regain his faith in god? How was this? Why did these aliens need Crop Circles? If it was for navigation, why were they in space? If it was to mark the house as potential victims, why that? I found this film to be just a mess, kind of an anti-Close Encounters. And what's with that utterly reprehensible ending, with an alien getting beaten to death with a baseball bat? I don't know why this film is getting such great reviews, since it was a mess. I didn't like Unbreakable, which was another contrived mess and I'll likely never watch this film again, putting it on the permanent shelf with A.I.

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

Superb!

[10/10 · 19 May 2002]

From the opening scene of Coruscant (a homage to Asimov's Trantor) to the end on Genosis, this was the best Star Wars of them all. Like George Lucas, I discount critics, what good are they really? This was a superb, lively, action filled film that shows Anakin on the path to the dark side. But it also highlights the other Characters; a more mature and humorous Obi-Wan, an evil Count Dooku and a mighty, force using Yoda! This was just a great, fun, pleasing film to sit through. The only bad thing is, like the rest of the Lord of the Rings, I have to wait years for it to be done! At least I have hobbies...

Metropolis (2001)

Simply Beautiful...

[9/10 · 13 May 2002]

This is the best looking and best animated film I've ever seen, including Akira. I have it on DVD and the depth of the scenes alone was worth the price. Simply put this is a story about humanity triumphing over technology, which, if people notice, is a recurring theme in Anime. The characters may use Technology and have it part of their lives, but they don't usually trust it. This is a beautfiul film, with a wondrous city (it's like Fritz Langs Metropolis on steroids). There is political subterfuge, violence, revolution and terror all rolled into one package that captures the eye. The soundtrack is also wonderful, with Jazz, Big Band and classical elements. The hero is not a superman which makes watching him all the more entertaining. This will go down as one of the greatest Anime's ever. Osamu, whereever you are, I'm sure you're pleased. Rintaro and Katsushiro, thank you.

Jason X (2001)

Garbage as usual!

[2/10 · 7 May 2002]

A basically harmless and lame film that tries to ressurect the (hopefully) dead Friday the 13th franchise. In the aftermath of recent real world events, does anyone really think Jason is scary anymore? I miss the older films that were real gorefests. Lame, poorly acted, but still gorefests. That's the only reason I used to see them. So what's with this movie? Jason and his keeper end up frozen where a greedy scientist unleashes the horror of Jason on the 25th century. The writing is imbecilic at best, but some of the deaths are pretty inventive. I keep wondering why the military didn't just expend a nuke on Camp Crystal Lake, but that's just me. The acting is the 'best' of any of the Friday's for the most part. Lexa Doig (Andromeda from the TV show of the same name)is the star, the scientist frozen with old Jase. Kane Hodder, who really doesn't act, is back. He's played Jason more than any other stunt man. So over all, the film is partially entertaining, partially dumb and basically, hopefully, the end of the series. I'm actually surprised that having sat around for over two years, it didn't end DTV!

Spider-Man (2002)

One of the Best SUPERHERO movies ever!

[10/10 · 5 May 2002]

From it's cast to it's story to the SFX, Spider-Man is simply great. It doesn't dissapoint at all, in any way or form. Spider-Man is at time frenetically paced but never loses track that there is a person behind the mask, a person who is a human being. Toby MaGuire is so perfect as Peter Parker/Spider-man it's almost like he walked off the comic book himself. The film stays 99% faithful to the origin and the lesson that with Great Power Comes Great Responsibility. It's just an awesome film of superb craftsmanship. Sam Raimi (who fit his brother Ted as well as Lucy Lawless there in cameos) did one helluva job. I can hardly wait to see Spider-Man 2!

Golgo 13: Queen Bee (1998 Video)

Duke Togo Strikes Again!

[8/10 · 26 April 2002]

Golgo 13 is back, this time hired to kill a female revolutionary whose as brutal and effective as himself! Full of action with a mad violent opening that has to be seen to be believed, this is a worthy sequel to Golgo 13: The Professional.

Golgo 13: The Professional (1983)

A brutally powerful Anime

[9/10 · 26 April 2002]

One of the best in adult anime, this one has it all. A taciturn, near unstoppable assassin, a rich man who want's the assassin dead (and is willing to let one of his paid killers rape his own daughter in law!), a bunch of crazed killers and a dedicated cop out to get him. Golgo 13, Duke Togo is the worlds greatest assassin, but in this, he's the hunted. Very realistic and grim, this is not for children. Watch for the scene when he shoots a guy THROUGH a skyscraper, especially for the shadows thrown by the beer sign he's under! Superb film!

Fiend Without a Face (1958)

Quite Underrated!

[9/10 · 22 April 2002]

One of my favorite of the low budget films, this one is an exercise in doing a monster film RIGHT. The stalwart hero, Marshall Thompson, is posted at a joint US/Canadian base where a nuclear reactor is being used to make radar able to pick up enemies further away. Unfortunatly, a scientist nearby is also tapping into the power and he's created beings from his own subconscience (like the ID from Forbidden Planet) who have the nasty habit of sucking out peoples brains and spines! The end of this film is stellar with effects that had to take up a third of the films budget! No one whose seen this film can forget those little brain monsters! It deserves a higher rating than other voters gave it!

The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)

One of the Greatest SF Films Ever

[10/10 · 21 April 2002]

Simply put, this is one of the greatest SF Films ever created. From beginning to end it is intelligent, exciting, thought provoking and has for the time, excellent SFX. The cast, led by Michael Rennie (in what is his best performance) is simply superb. This movie also boasts one of the most interesting (and for the time) amazing storylines ever. At a time when Aliens were thought to be BEM's and wanted only to invade and grab earths women, here was an alien giving us a choice; be as violent as we wanted to one another, but leave our violence here on earth - or else. Simply a great movie. I'm very disappointed that it's not out on DVD yet.

Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001)

Fantastic Film!

[8/10 · 16 April 2002]

I loved this film! From it's settings to it's action to the gorgeous Monica Belluci, it's an enthralling film. So what if it's not exactly true to it's time? It's fun, it has an anti-religious bent and it's action packed with tremendous acting and a great story. This is like watching a Hong Kong film. Just sit back, turn off the reality meter on one's brain and enjoy!

The Six Million Dollar Man (1973 TV Movie)

A damn fine film adaptation!

[8/10 · 15 April 2002]

A very well done adaptation of Caidin's fine book, it has some interesting differences from the later show. Oscar Goldman, as played by Darrin McGavin is way more heartless and is intent on getting the governments worth out of Steve. Steve is much more mentally distressed and early on, suicidal after being maimed. It played more for adults, with an espionage theme (as did the second 90 minutes installment, Wine Women and War, with perenial bad guy Eric Braeden). It's very close to the book, but eliminates the female Israeli assigned to help Steve. It's very watchable even today and I wouldn't be surprised to see a big budget version get made.

Band of Brothers (2001)

Absolutely SUPERB!

[10/10 · 8 April 2002]

This is the finest miniseries ever shown on TV. Brutal and graphic, but amazing and involving, it's like Ten hours of Saving Private Ryan. The way it's filmed and the excellent actors used, makes the viewer a part of the travails of this group of men, who learn to depend on one another through the horror of war. A truly superb accomplishment, it should sweep the cable awards. I'd like to see something done like this about the Marines in the Pacific and World War 1.

The Time Machine (2002)

Another remake that wasn't worth the time!

[3/10 · 24 March 2002]

So it was directed by Simon Wells, who did his Grandfathers great novel a great disservice. The story was contrived and I never got to the point where I cared about the characters at all. It had great effects, but was a souless machination of a film. It used a corny contrived idea, that of the fiancee (who isn't in the novel) who gets killed as an impetus for Alex to create the machine. This can't work. Since a death was the impetus, then why would he create it if she never dies? This was one of the many plotholes large enough to fly a time machine through that ruined this film for me. Also the Eloi were not builders, they were pampered cattle who existed only as food for the Morlocks. The Morlocks were a subterranean race that couldn't come above ground. These Morlocks are running about in broad daylight, so why did they freaking live underground? Guy Pearce walks around as if in a daze through most of the film, not even evoking the simplest emotions for the most. And what was wrong with the name Weena? Was the unoriginal Mara that much better? Jeremy Irons is wasted as an Uber Morlock since having the character was only for Alex to have a foil, as if the entire Morlock species wasn't enough of one! If you haven't seen this mess yet, don't waste your time. Wait for cable or rental. It isn't worth the price.

The Time Machine (1960)

One of the greatest SF Movies ever made

[10/10 · 24 March 2002]

Quite simply, this is not only one of the greatest SF movies ever made, its also one of my favorites. It captures the essence of the novel in a way far superior to the gaudier make up. The film moves at a great clip, stopping in WW1, 2 and a nuclear one. All along the way, the Time Traveler (look at the brass plate on the machine to discover he's H.G. Wells!) learns a bit more about himself and humanity before ending up in the year 802,701 where the gentle Eloi are preyed upon by the hideous (William Tuttle created) Morlocks. Rod Taylor is totally dynamic as George the Traveler, while Philby played by Alan Young is the kind of dedicated friend I'd want. Yvette Mimeux brings an innocence to Weena that's perfect. If you like this, I reccomend George Pal's When Worlds Collide and War of the Worlds. I had to give this a ten because it's just that good!

Them! (1954)

The Greatest Giant Insect Film of them all!

[10/10 · 24 March 2002]

THEM! is a simple story of ants, who living near the test sites of the first nuclear weapons, have grown gigantic and are now ranging out to expand their nest and look for food. What makes this film so great, other than the excellent direction (Gordon Douglass got his start doing Little Rascals!) and cast (Whitmore and Arness are superb as is Joan Weldon), is that these giant ants are still just ants. They don't have nuclear breath, they don't stop bullets, in fact they can be killed. But the documentary style, terse approach to the film has us believing that ant's like this can be around. It's just a great film from beginning to end. I hope they never think of re-making this!