YugoNinja Reviews

Mother of Tears (2007)

Terrible in every way

[1/10 · 16 January 2008]

Dario, Dario, Dario... You shouldn't have made this movie. All ended in Inferno. There it was explained clearly that the Three Mothers are one. One entity, namely Death. Why making such an absurd and pointless sequel as The Third Mother? The plot is just laughable. Literally. It was hard to watch at one point. It looked like it was made by an amateur and not by the great Dario. The genius that he once was is gone. For good. The old Dario will never be back. The new Dario is just a mere shadow of himself. Pity. If nothing else, the third and last part of this trilogy could be at least a decent ending. Bye, Dario. I really loved you.

Ghost Rider (2007)

God made Man, Man made this.

[1/10 · 22 August 2007]

For those who liked this movie - ask yourselves. Please, think about it. Take 5 minutes of your lives and ask yourselves: Why did I like this movie? What aspect of this movie is likable? The tits of Eva Mendes? The pectorals of Nic Cage? The cool hell bike? What is actually great about this movie? Have you thought about it? I'll tell you: the bike. Cage plays himself as always, Mendes is there because the movie needs a female protagonist. But the bike ooooh, the bike. That's the reason you people went to see it. Because it is sooooo cool, sooooo innovative, sooooo never-seen-before. The bike is the main character. The bike is alive. The others are not, living or not. Who cares about Cage, Mendes, a bunch of useless and soon-to-die demons, the Devil itself, if there's that super cool bike. It's tires are on fire! It can go 300 miles per hour! It is from Hell! It transforms! Conclusion: you take the bike out, you take the purpose and the meaning of this movie out. It's like Jaws without the shark. Cage and Mendes are there only because of their names. On a final note: Cage can't act. The bike made a better impression on me. 1-0 for the bike.

Troll 2 (1990)

Biohazard

[1/10 · 22 August 2007]

When people say "This is the worst movie ever" they imply that they saw a movie. A MOVIE has two essential parts: 1. a plot and 2. acting. Troll 2 has neither. So technically Troll 2 is not a movie. Therefore, I say "This is the worst THING that ever happened in my life". And for the record Troll 2 has no trolls, it has goblins, ha!

My dog once asked me: "I am going to make a movie." I said to him: "You're a dog. Dogs don't make movies." After seeing Troll 2 I said to him: "Go on and make your movie."

I've seen a lot of crap. Believe me. I've become an expert in this field. And Troll 2 doesn't belong in my field of expertise. Because I watch movies. I like movies. I comment movies. Troll 2 is not a movie. Troll 2 is like just before you die. The same feeling. It's when you say: "Damn, a whole life wasted." I wasted my life after watching it. I have no longer desire to live, to love, to hate, to feel. I have become totally numb. People ask me what's wrong with me, but I'm too embarrassed to say that I lost my desire to live because of Troll 2.

This is why, instead of writing a constructive comment, I'll make a public warning:

Troll 2 is good only, if you are suicidal. Troll 2 is good only, if you hate people. Troll 2 is good only, if you lost your faith in humanity. Troll 2 is good only, if you no longer respect yourself. Troll 2 is good only...Troll 2 is good for nothing.

Don't see it, you'll go blind. Don't try to understand it, you'll go insane. Don't try to rent it, you'll be sorry. Don't recommend it, people who love you will love you no more. Don't try to download it, your PC will die on you. Don't think about it at all or you'll end up just like me.

Potential consequences in case (and I hope this never happens) you see it:

Your girl/boyfriend will leave you. You'll lose your job. You'll have no prospect in life whatsoever. Nothing will be the same ever again, not even your appearance. You'll gain weight, lose your hair, become impotent, start drinking, start liking Paris Hilton.

My last appeal is: in God's name, in the name of everything and everyone you love DON'T WATCH THIS. Don't be even tempted. I know that what is forbidden is appealing, but don't follow your instincts, don't listen to your curious nature. Just don't. And everything will be fine. And the world will be the way it is. Better off without Troll 2.

Hostel: Part II (2007)

Pathetic.

[1/10 · 22 August 2007]

This is a movie that shouldn't have been made. Wasn't the first part enough? No, said the producers. People want more. They want to be scared. And what's scary about this movie? The simple fact that it was made. It exists. You can't avoid it. It is there. People will rent it. People will see it. And SOME people will actually enjoy it. I won't get into details because I want to forget it as fast as possible. The "plot" is simple: Some hot American chicks travel across Europe and end up in some God forsaken East European country. They get kidnapped by an organization that offers wealthy individuals the opportunity to "cultivate" their sadistic nature. That's about it. Plus the obligatory "titty time". The rest is pure stereotype. And by the way, the East Europeans are by default all ugly sadistic bears. Just forget about it.

Versus (II) (2000)

Can't blame the director, he's Japanese!

[3/10 · 22 August 2007]

I have to be honest with you. I haven't seen the whole movie and I fast forwarded some parts of it. The reason is simple. I just couldn't handle it. Not because of the gore, of the blood, of the "super-fast-I can't see sh*t" action scenes, but because it is dull. Plain and simple.

Don't get me wrong, I adore Japanese movies, especially horror-action movies ala Miike. But this was too much even for me. Even though this movie was meant to be fast paced it was slow in my eyes. People were just wandering in the forest aimlessly. And I just couldn't see the point. This movie should be half an hour long.

OK, I give it to the director, some parts were funny, some were original, but in the whole it was boring. Repetitive. The basic idea overused. There are tons of movies like this. The Japanese like to put everything in a movie making it a mess. Samurai, zombies, severed heads, cut-off limbs, blood, machine guns, gun fights, kung fu, flying, supernatural, etc. In one word: GARBAGE.

Killjoy (2000 Video)

Killjoy killed the last joy in me.

[1/10 · 30 April 2007]

Band again. This man haunts me like a nightmare. This time only in the form of a producer. Thank God. I can't imagine what this thing would be like if Charles directed it. A lot of people use the word "bad" to label this kind of "movies". Too easy. 300 is bad. Killjoy is not bad. Killjoy is nothing. Nothingness. I can't even comment on this movie because I already forgot what was it about. Killjoy is void. Killjoy is the crap stripe in your toilet. It is the mosquito that never stops bothering you. It is just another cigarette in the ashtray. Killjoy is just like any other random Charles Band movie. There should be a warning for every of his movies: "Suitable only for monocellular organisms." I couldn't sleep the night I watched it. Not because the movie scared me, but because I'm afraid of Band's next exploit. I was thinking, what could possibly be worse than this. Is it possible that Band's criminal mind can actually give birth to another movie of the series "wasted celluloid"? That is what scares me. This is my last appeal, Charlie, stop or I will DIS-BAND you!

Rocky Balboa (2006)

A good farewell

[7/10 · 17 April 2007]

Rocky Balboa is a very solid film and in my opinion the best possible ending to a very successful series. Just like with the first Rocky this one has a softer tone, it focuses more on individual characters than on boxing and on the final fight. The changes to the character of Rocky also surprised me and at the same time I was very delighted. Why? Because as the series progressed so did Rocky's IQ. In Rocky IV and V he was almost as articulate as a Harvard professor. The more blows he received to the head (at least 200 blows in Rocky IV) the more he became intelligent. Well, in Rocky Balboa Rocky is again the good ol' Rocky. Simple, generous, a little bit ingenuous, but fair and with a huge heart. Stallone really surprised me, because this movie is not about boxing, boxing is just a tool here. It is about what you want to do in your life, with your life. It is about the struggle to obtain what you really want. Rocky's speech to his son is a very good example. Rocky never wanted to quit. Rocky loves to fight, he's all about fighting, in the ring and outside it. Forget about the exaggerations, the excess of the previous films (III, IV and V), Rocky Balboa is simple and beautiful. Never pretentious and never banal, see it not only if you are a Rocky fan. This movie is meant for everyone.

Braindead (1992)

A true pearl in a sea of mediocrity

[10/10 · 27 March 2007]

I've seen a lot of gore-splatter-horror movies and I mean a LOT. And Brain Dead is pure genius. Probably because it is not pure gore but more of a comedy. Jackson really knows how to make a good cocktail. And what a cocktail of blood and laughs is this! The zoom-ups, the camera angles, the lines! Love it or hate it, you can't ignore it. Most people don't like it because it is gruesome, bloody, revolting, stomach-turning. But you have to appreciate the genius of Jackson of toning it down with a great sense of humor characteristic of all his early flicks. I always liked horror movies that didn't take everything so seriously. You know, the dark, brutal shockers that are labeled as horrors only because of a few slasher scenes and a pair of tits. Brain Dead is nothing of that. If you want to scare your friends, your little brother or your girlfriend don't bother renting it. This movie is to watch with your friends with a few beers. Fun and laughs are guaranteed. And those who aren't acquainted with Jackson's pre-LOTR work will never believe you when you will tell them this man actually won a "few" Oscars. A cult movie for true aficionados.

Commando (1985)

This movie was touched by God!

[10/10 · 10 March 2007]

Did it ever happen in your life that you've seen such a beautiful movie, such a perfect piece of art, such an unbelievable example of man-made splendor, such a gorgeous masterpiece that it hurt your eyes? Well, I did. And it wasn't the Schindler's List or the Lord of the Rings. No, it was the BEST action movie ever made. The BEST interpretation of the Governator. The BEST explosions. The BEST one-liners. The BEST plot. And the BEST tag-line. This movie is like the Art of Japanese gardening. Simple and beautiful. Balanced. Proportioned. There's just the right amount of everything. And there is just about everything that should go into an action movie: car chases, explosions, drug-lords, sex, an invincible hero, sitting-duck-like enemies, humor, knife duels, fist fights, rocket launchers, blood, death, bullets, glass, pectorals, muscles, some more muscles, explosions and more explosions. You need more? It's got Arnold. Need more? It's got Arnold with a sense of humor. Still more? It's got Arnold with a sense of humor and a rocket launcher. Put these three elements together and try to guess what happens. Destruction. On a mass scale. I won't give away the plot, because it is too intricate and surprising. Basically it is Arnie on a mission to save his daughter. That's about it. But what is important is not the fact that Arnie will save his daughter, but HOW will he save his daughter. Oh, are you saying that The Matrix is the best action movie of all time? Does The Matrix have Arnold Schwarzenegger? NO. Does Commando have the Matrix? YES. JOHN MATRIX, in fact. Oh, so you are saying that Neo dodges bullets? John Matrix doesn't need to. He is bulletproof. He eats bullets for breakfast. Need more proof? I thought so... I gave this Caravaggio painted on celluloid a 10 only because IMDb doesn't go to 11. This movie is so eye-blindingly beautiful I can't find the words to properly end my commentary and render justice to this cinematic masterpiece. So I will just use the movie's tag-line: Somewhere... somehow... someone's going to pay!

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)

One man army!

[10/10 · 10 March 2007]

I just love low-budget super gore hyper violent Asian flicks. And perhaps The story of Ricky is the best of them. Not one moment passes without someone losing his head or a limb. This sort of movies become popular due to one major factor: they are hilarious! The special effects are good, but the acting and the scenes (hell, the whole story) are ridiculously funny. I mean, I watched it with my 13-year old brother even though it is extremely graphic, but we had the time of our lives. The scene where Ricky's girlfriend jumps off the building in an attempt to escape from her assailants made us literally roll on the floor (and believe me, the scene was meant to be very dramatic). Non-stop action and non-stop laughs.

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Yet another Band's masterpiece

[25 October 2006]

This man turns into an indescribable mess everything he touches. And "The Gingerdead Man" is the proof. The proof that Band finally lost it. He no longer makes movies, he unmakes them. He demolishes, maims, mauls, distorts, destroys and deforms everything that a movie is. How can this be a movie: it has NO logical plot, in fact, it has no plot at all, it has NO acting, even Busey's acting was shameful, it has NOTHING that makes it a movie. And what genre is it anyway? Comedy? Horror (I doubt it)? Sci-Fi? Trash? Garbage? I tell you: it is a new genre that Band invented: WASTED TIME: LIFE-SUCKING BRAINWASHING ULTRA DULL SENSELESS NOTHINGNESS. People will enjoy Band's movies when he will stop making them. But I cannot blame him anymore, the man is just making a living, hell, at least he made something out of him. But seriously, Charles, if you're reading this, for the love of God, stop. Please, stop. It is enough. You tried and you failed. You are no director, you are no writer. Stick to producing, doll-making or whatever you do. Don't destroy young minds. Don't waste your and our time. And leave Gary Busey alone.

Miami Vice (2006)

WTF, Mann?

[6/10 · 22 September 2006]

I'm a huge Mann fan. I loved Heat. I adored the Insider. I was mesmerized by Collateral. I was really looking forward to this one. As a kid I watched Miami Vice and the idea of making a movie that would capture the spirit of the series was just ... great! But it didn't happen. The chemistry that Don Johnson and Phillip Michael Thomas had, that buddy-buddy bond just wasn't there. I remember Rico cracking jokes, smiling, laughing a lot in the TV series, while Jamie Foxx doesn't even flinch. Colin Farrell is so dead serious, almost melodramatic, it just bothered me. I understand this movie is Michael's own, personal interpretation of Miami Vice, but it just WASN'T Miami Vice to me. The names and the location were the same, as for the rest... Also, I expected this movie to be action, I got almost 1 hour and a half of boring romantic sequences and a 5 minute shoot-out. Very disappointing.

Godzilla: Final Wars (2004)

ID4+Godzilla98+Star Wars+Matrix

[1/10 · 7 September 2006]

I was really looking forward to this movie. Being a Godzilla fan it is obvious I expected a lot from this movie. This is the last movie of the so called "Millenium Era" and the producers wanted it to go out with a bang. And it did. But it didn't explode like a Supernova, it just popped up like a balloon. I mean, seriously, this movie is everything but a Godzilla movie . A hyper dynamic ultra fast spoof of Matrix and the like. I'm not one of those hardcore fans that want Goji to be as he was and not accepting any change or renovation, even evolution! I think that TOHO made a step back rather than forward. Everyone expected this movie to be new, fresh, innovating, surprising, but no! It was just a gigantic pile of things already seen (if Keanu Reeves was Asian, he would look just like the lead actor!). Bullet-time from Matrix, ID4-like alien invasion, laser guns pulled from Star Wars and a quickly eliminated digital (!) Zilla. Everything was so pumped up and pretentious. It was just too much. Don Frye looks like a wooden baboon, the other actors are ridiculous. The plot is just plain stupid: aliens that don't blink, ha! It was more like a video game. A bad one. And the last lines "It is finally over" -"No, a new war has begun!" looked more like a threat to me. Worst movie of the series. The only moment that gave me a laugh and a reminder of good old fashioned monster movies was when Rodan fly-kicked Angurius curled into a spiked ball towards Goji who dives to make the save!

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)

Ninjas here, ninjas there, ninjas EVERYWHERE!

[8 November 2005]

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation is the best movie in the whole series and one of the best action movies I have ever seen. It has everything and what's more important: it has NINJAS! Tons of ninjas. In fact, there are so many ninjas in this movie that people got used to them. Ninjas wander around freely, shopping in supermarkets, hiding on roofs, driving cars, taking the sun on secluded beaches. This movie taught me one important lesson: ninjas are one of us and we should respect them. After seeing this great movie I say hello to ninjas on the street and I'm not afraid anymore to look under my bed in case a ninja is hiding there. We shouldn't be afraid of ninjas, ninjas are our friends! But back to the movie. It has three elements that make it so great: it has Michael Dudikoff, an exotic location, and a truck load of ninjas. The plot is simple, Dudikoff (himself being an invincible ninja) kicks some ninja ass then kicks some more and finally destroys the villain's master plan (sell clone-ninjas to other villains). But what makes this movie great is the unbelievable amount of action: ninja fights on a beach, bar fights, car chases, explosions, more explosions, sword fights. And if you think that ninjas perform only two basic functions: spying and killing, you're wrong. Because ninjas in American ninja 2 evolved, now they are also: bodyguards, sentinels, inept killers, car drivers, butlers, guards, human statues, decorations, extras, stunts, martial artists, masters of disguise and masters in ridiculing themselves. But why would a villain hire them instead of a conventional army? Because ninjas look cool and have three main characteristics that common soldiers don't have: they are FAST (the quickness with which their ass gets kicked is just amazing), they are SILENT (maybe they're silent, but that doesn't help them when they wander around in their black suits in broad daylight!) and they are DEADLY (I don't think they managed to kill anyone in the movie let alone even scratching Dudikoff). And the potential buyers are all a brilliant assortment of stereotyped villains: from the street pimp and the drug lord to the south-American dictator and the Arabian prince. And the main base of the villain is even more stereotyped, it has everything a villain dreams of: a representative logo (a lion with a shuriken in his head), a lab (with scientists and all), an arena (where ninjas can perform) and an office (from where the villain can dominate the world). And the most amazing thing is that if you are dressed like a ninja you can easily enter this heavily guarded complex and wander around freely. Ninjas walk the halls, buy coffees, take the elevators, go on cigarette breaks. They are just like us, but dressed like ninjas! Black ones, blue ones, red ones, it doesn't matter. The more the merrier. I learned the lesson and I'm sure you'll all learn it too after seeing this movie: ninjas are one of us. And remember, ninjas are EVERYWHERE!

The Cave (2005)

Batman vs Anaconda vs Cliffhanger vs Baywatch

[1/10 · 3 November 2005]

The Cave is a pathetic attempt to attract audiences on a very simple premise: originality. So far Hollywood has entertained us with space-monster movies (Alien, Predator), sea-monster movies (Leviathan, Anaconda, Lake Placid), underground monsters (Tremors), flying monsters (Dragonheart), and earth-stomping monsters (King Kong, Godzilla). But these monsters are apparently not enough, so Hollywood said: hey, why don't we make a CAVE-monster movie! What a great idea, but how do we do it? Simple, first we choose a monster (a mutated Bruce Wayne), we cast some pumped-up dudes (picked up directly from Waikiki Beach) and some busty chicks, we shoot the whole movie in a studio (to reduce the costs) and voila'! But what about the plot? Plot, what plot!? We don't need a plot! The »very« original cave-monster is all we need. And so they made it. A movie that doesn't have a single plot-hole simply because it doesn't have a plot. The acting is so wooden it makes the acting of Chuck Norris Oscar material (no offense, Chuck). The black dude and the Chinese guy are there just for political correctness. The monster is so ridiculous I nearly choked on pop-corn when I first saw the trailer. You won't believe it, but this movie actually hit the cinemas in my country! People paid to see it! And what they saw was bat-like monsters that could fly, swim, crawl, dive and kill with the aid of a sonar! They saw a Baywatch Delta Force Team being decimated until the hilarious face-off between the mutating hero and the last cave-monster (you just have to see it by yourself, it's amazing what these worthless directors come up with these days). The scariest part of this movie is the ending: the prospect of a sequel just gives me the creeps...

The Celebration (1998)

The European answer to Hollywood

[8/10 · 16 August 2005]

Festen is the living proof that great movies can be made with only two elements: great acting and a well-thread plot. You don't need expensive special effects, a famous cast, exotic locations and a complicated story. Dogma 95 has been quite a successful way of making movies. The rules are maybe a little bit too restrictive, but definitely had to be introduced to in a way "purify" the European film that has become more and more a blatant copy of Hollywood produced crap. The movie was in every aspect realistic. The acting was natural (I especially liked the excellent acting of Ulrich Thomsen and Paprika Steen), the story was intriguing and escalating until a shocking end. The only location (the Klingenfeldt family mansion) made the atmosphere even more claustrophobic and disturbing. The guests were like trapped inside and were in way forced to witness the fall of the Klingenfeldt family. Anyway, Thomas Vinterberg along with a few other talented directors has brought some freshness into European movie production and will hopefully continue doing so in the future.

Decadent Evil (2005 Video)

This movie was entirely filmed on toilet paper!

[1/10 · 12 August 2005]

This unwatchable "work of art" has re-invented the word for crap. This "thing" some people unrightfully call a movie has it all: an incredibly appealing title (DECADENT EVIL; but could as well be: VAMPIRE STRIPPER WHORES SEEK IMMORTALITY BY WHIPING OUT AN ENTIRE COMMUNITY WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING), an astonishing cast (three pseudo-actresses picked up directly from the street, a dwarf, and a guy with a broom stuck up his ass), a thought-provoking plot (a vampire queen wants to become invincible (what for?) by sucking the blood of 10 000 (or so) victims...), great lines (topless girl HAND-CUFFED to a bed: I'm calling the police!), 3 locations (a Gothic mansion, a sleazy strip club and a hotel room - all of which was probably a masterfully camouflaged director's kitchen), some memorable scenes (the "demonic doll" Marvin masturbating by the bed where the topless girl (free nudity) is handcuffed and then licking her nipples while she is dubiously trying to resist him (great actress in my humble opinion) and all the scenes where blood is not spurting from the veins of the victims but thrown by someone off-camera to the actor's throats - pure genius, I tell you), a respectful length-time (an unbearable 74 minutes), a grand finale (the demonic doll Marvin screwing the vampire queen who was herself transformed into a demonic doll with the help of Marvin's son (the dwarf actor)). By watching this thing I unfortunately (for myself and my now weak mental stability) discovered the bottom of the bottom. I discovered the dark recesses of wasted film tape. And it has come to my knowledge that Charles Band has created several masterpieces of this kind (around 200! - one of them being Gingerdead man starring Gary Busey!!!) which will eventually (and unfortunately) find their way to a DVD release, if they haven't already... But Charles Band, the director, producer, writer (and God knows what else) of this..."everything but a movie" thing has all of my respect, because he had the guts to film something so insulting to the human intellect, to good taste and to the concept of movie itself. I would be lynched for filming that in my country. I think that in some cases, especially in America, freedom of speech and the right to free expression should be controlled by some organization. Organization that (if it existed) wouldn't allow things like this to happen, not now and not in the future. Who gave Charles Band the director's chair? Why is he doing this? Why doesn't anyone tell him to change profession? And finally, what did I do wrong to deserve this? Yeah, I know, it was my fault in the first place. Next time I see a Charles Band film I'll flee the country and settle somewhere in the world where American movies are banned, especially cheap horror movies with the obligatory sex scene and a predictable plot (if any). My vote? Are you joking? This thing is "unvotable". The IMDb staff should create a new voting system for all of Charles Band "movies".