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At the Earth's Core (1976)
Finally
A realistic depiction of the Earth's core. The MSM and Deep State want you to believe the Earth is round and full of lava instead of flat and full of dinosaurs.
Troy McClure and Governor Tarkin (acting more like C-3PO here) team up with my ex-girlfriend Caroline Munro to take on some walking birds and giant toads who breath fire and save a bunch of aborigines from an evil group of pig men.
The pterodactyl creatures have a green eye that can hypnotize someone if they look at it. McClure gets to play tug-of-war with Cyclops and marries Miss Munro before drilling up to the White House. Should've won the Oscar for Best Documentary.
Wishcraft (2002)
Stupid
A nerd gets three wishes and he uses 2 of them to get a girl to like him. One wish was understandable, she's a gorgeous blonde. But he could've used his other wishes to end famine or for world peace or to give everybody in the world perfect health. But no the nerd has to be self-centered and think small and only care about himself.
Austin Pendleton, the world's weirdest actor, gets to ham it up as a crazy teacher who continues to teach even though he is rich (at least he used one wish smartly) and wants to kill his students for some ridiculous reason. Having a guy who looks like Robin Gibb play the bad guy inspires more laughter than terror. At the end the nerd remembers he has one more wish and could've used it to make the teacher die but then we wouldn't have a long drawn out cliched horror movie ending.
Death to Smoochy (2002)
Unrealistic
In this movie unattractive Catherine Keener turns down the sexual advances of the very handsome Vincent Schiavelli. As if that would ever happen in real life. John Stewart looks ridiculous with his boy band hairstyle here. But Ed Norton is so funny I wish he would do more comedies.
Why does Robin Williams want to kill Norton? It's not Ed's fault Robin got fired from his show and killing Norton won't get his job back. Aren't there any other channels or time slots showing kids shows?
This movie is a brilliant parody of Barney. A bunch of people are out to kill Smoochy for various reasons but he is oblivious and only has some Irish mobsters protecting him. A bit too silly and frantic at times but the closing credits are pure magic. Robin and Ed decide to work together and have a magnificent dance number including flying while the great Jackie Wilson song "Higher and Higher" plays, the perfect song for this magical moment. Then Keener joins in. Worth the price of admission just for his scene alone.
Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)
Hella bad
This movie is kinda like Poltergeist but it has a big Indian fellow who looks like Bea Arthur. And there's a really creepy old guy/ghost who resembles Kellyanne Conway. The cast of the first movie is back except the older daughter cause she was dead by then. They even got the crazy old munchkin woman but she's much less interesting here.
Jobeth Williams is still gorgeous but I'm not crazy about the Reba McIntire hairstyle she has here. Evil spirits are still after the youngest daughter (I guess cause she has blonde hair) and take her to Heaven but an angel is nice enough to return her. There's also a chainsaw carving things up without Leatherface.
The Green Mile (1999)
This movie has it all
The star of Bachelor Party, Lewis Skolnick's dad in Revenge of the Nerds, big black guys with healing powers, the Grim Reaper from Bill and Ted, Captain Dan, urination, the nervous guy from Galaxy Quest, Jodie Foster's dad in Contact, that guy who married a 16 year old, bad southern accents, one of the Indians from Dances With Wolves, the little twerp audio expert from Tango and Cash, Emilio Estevez's mentor in Repo Men, rodents scurrying about, electrocutions gone wrong, cornbread exchanges and assorted women and old people.
This is one of Stephen King's non horror stories not set in New England and it's good.
Supergirl (1984)
Stupid Girl
Typical overblown 80s nonsense. Helen Slater plays a blonde airhead on Argo City who makes a bug that breaks the skin of the city (?) and lets the omegahedron out (I hate when that happens to me) and then takes the binary chute and goes to Earth where she decides to go to some girl school where she of course ends up room mates with Lois Lane's sister (scoff) and foils the nefarious plans of a couple of no-good-niks.
Faye Dunaway hams it up as evil witch Selena Gomez while Brenda Vaccaro hangs around in her haunted house/lair making silly quips. Peter O'Toole has the role of his lifetime saying "Squirt?" over and over again in the Forbidden Zone, which is really easy to escape from. The guy from Terror Train plays Helen's love interest. Peter Cook is here cause they couldn't afford Dudley Moore. Almost as terrible as Superman 3.
Cleopatra (1963)
Liz Taylor has a nice asp
Talk about hammy and long winded. Burton overacts shamelessly as usual while Taylor seems bored. Rex Harrison is bland as Julius Caesar although he sure does look pretty in a red evening gown. Roddy McDowell does a nice impersonation of Bill from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
The movie is way too long although the sets are spectacular (probably better than the real thing). There's some good African dance numbers and the battle of Actium is nicely recreated. This is the last time Liz Taylor still looked sorta hot. Soon she would get fat and lose her sex appeal. Still this bomb would've been a hit if it hadn't cost so much.
Murphy's Law (1986)
Makes Cobra look like Tango and Cash
Truly awful cop movie tries to make Bronson interesting by giving him a drinking habit and having him utter cheesy one liners like "Ladies first". But Bronson is too stiff to make any of it believable. He also gets chained to the most obnoxious adult in any movie ever (there are several kids in movies more obnoxious however).
Arrabella McGee spouts atrocious dialogue that sounds like it was written by a 4 year old. I guess she is supposed to be funny and charming. Carrie Snodgress, whose last name sounds like one of Arabella's insults, plays a crazed killer similar to Sondra Locke's character in Sudden Impact. The warden from The Naked Cage gets naked plenty here as Bronson's stripper ex-wife. There's also a black guy who looks exactly like Mr. Potato Head. Death Wish 3 was more realistic.
The Haunting of Sharon Tate (2019)
This movie sucks. Ignore the simple minded likers
The people giving this movie any rating higher than one either worked on the movie or are getting paid by the studio for their review. This movie is terrible.
When I first heard Hilary Duff was gonna play Sharon Tate I thought "cool, she kinda looks like her. Well after seeing the picture I realize she looks nothing like Sharon Tate. They may have similar eyes but Hilary is way too short and fat and way not pretty enough. She has a flat fish face and her acting was dreadful. She needs to stick to Lizzie McGuire.
Lydia Hearst is actually hot and should've played Sharon instead. Also if Sharon was so sure she was gonna get killed because she dreamed about it then why didn't she move out, get a gun, call the cops or just get out of town for a few weeks?
Carrie (1976)
Unrealistic
Nobody has psychic powers. If they did they would rule the world, not be some loser getting picked on in high school. Also why does Chris hate Carrie so much? Cause she missed a ball in a volleyball game? Chris should hate and get revenge on the coach who kicked her out of the prom and slapped her.
And why would Sue talk her own boyfriend into taking Carrie to the prom? Cause she feels guilty about being one of many girls who laughed at her? Who would miss their own prom and watch their boyfriend take another girl to the prom just cause of that? And why is fat Edie McClurg one of he cool girls? Shouldn't she be a loser like Carrie who the cool girls pick on? And how come the principal keeps calling her Cassie? Is Carrie such a hard name to remember? But the biggest fault is not enough nudity.
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)
Medieval England, Iowa
This movie is much funnier than the first one. That one had "Deputy Van Halen" and "Iron Maiden? Excellent!" and a few other funny lines but the stuff with the historical figures in the mall was just silly not funny and the whole thing felt like it was made for little kids. Bogus Journey has a much wittier sense of humor, like the seance Missy was holding with her friends. The names called out were so random and hilarious. "And I would like to contact Ty Cobb".
Another great bit was when they had to answer the meaning of life in order to get an audience with God and they recite the lyrics to "Every Rose Has a Thorn."
But the funniest bit has to be when Death tells them to choose your game and in the next scene they're playing Battleship then Clue then some football game and finally Twister. Playing Twister with the Grim Reaper has to be one of the most absurd and hilarious scenes ever.
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)
Attack of the Groans
I don't like sand or this movie. In fact you could say I'm haunted by the movie George Lucas should have never given me (nice grammar eh?). I'm in agony. The closer I get to this movie the worse it gets. I can't breathe. I'm hoping that this movie will not become a scar. It is in my very soul tormenting me. It's a nightmare!
I'm no longer afraid to die. I've been dying a little bit each day since this movie came into my life. I truly... deeply... don't love this movie and before we die I want you all to know.
Lucas wanted to sell me death sticks but I think he should go home and rethink his life.
The makers of this movie are like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals! I HATE THEM! This is such a drag.
The Curse (1987)
Sheriff Lobo goes Loco
The Sheriff Lobo guy is the head of this farming family, which also includes the fat nerdy guy from Heaven Help Us and Wesley Crusher. He's a religious fanatic who slaps anyone who commits blasphemy.
One day a meteor crashes into their farm, causing the vegetables and fruits to grow really fast but with worms and sludge inside. Lobo's wife, who was having an affair with some fat, hairy dude, gets warts and goes crazy.
Some kindly doctor tries to help but gets a crowbar in the back for his efforts. So it's up to Bo Duke (played by homophobic horndog John Schneider) to save the day. But Sheriff Lobo ain't no Boss Hogg and Bo is barely able to save the kids before the house collapses. Then he gets warts and dies.
Cobra (1986)
Almost as bad as Commando
You like good acting? An intelligent plot? Realistic dialogue? Excitement? This movie has it none!
Stallone tries to remake Dirty Harry by having Reni Santoni be his (too violent) partner and having Andrew Robinson here as a bad "good guy" who he can punch out so we can cheer.
Since Arnold was unwilling to play the bad guy in this monstrosity, Stallone got Brian Thompson aka The guy who looks like Arnold, to play the leader of the most insane ridiculous gang in movie history. When not killing unattractive blonde fashion models they spend their time in dark warehouses clanging axes together over their heads or shooting up grocery stores.
Good movies are the disease, Stallone is the cure.
Grandmother's House (1988)
Grandmother's Louse
Good little thriller starring Uncle Leo and some old hag as two grandparents who get a visit from their grandkids, Eric Foster, who looks like Edward Furlong, and Kim Valentine, who looks exactly like my girlfriend.
They live on some chicken/orange farm with some geese. Soon after the kids come over a woman who escaped from a mental institution comes calling (played by ugly pornstar Brinke Stevens). She's crazy and unkillable like all horror movie villains. Apparently she's the kids real mom and Uncle Leo is the real dad. He boned his own daughter until she went insane or something. Nifty little horror film.
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)
Hell's Angels
This movie is terrible. None of the girls here are half as pretty as the original Charlie's Angels. Drew looks a little hot at times but also looks fat. Apparently these girls are indestructible robots who can outrun explosions, fire accurately while doing backflips in the air, surf and ride BMX bikes like champions.
The opening scene is a painfully obvious ripoff of a scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark but the hack director McG (scoff at that name) is more interested in ripping off the style of Tarantino and Scorsese.
There's cameos from a bunch of flavor of the month celebrities so people in the audience can say "ooh look it's so and so!" and be fooled into thinking they are having a good time. Makes cartoons and video games look realistic.
Forbidden Planet (1956)
Enrico Pallazzo's best movie
In this gripping, intelligent sci-fi movie. Walter Pidgeon and his blonde airhead daughter live on Altair 4 with Robbie the booze-making robot. One day a flying saucer commanded by Enrico Pallazzo lands on their little planet and everything goes wrong. The planet was once inhabited by the Krell (no not the toothpaste) who built a huge underground factory 40 miles across that generates incredible power in order to alert them when ever the buck deer fight or something.
Anyway the bimbo daughter falls for Enrico even though he's a surly jerk too her. I guess no woman can resist an opera singer. The first hour is slow and corny but the second hour things get good. At the end the planet blows up real good. Reccomended.
Blade Runner (1982)
Great sets, stupid movie
According to this movie, by 2019 Los Angeles will look like Shanghai and it will always be dark and raining in super hot, sunny LA. And people will talk like 1940s gangster movie characters and drink hard liquor and smoke all the time, even indoors. All the film noir cliches are here, including the ice cold dame who acts very cool and shows no emotion (the Sean Young character).
And we'll have flying cars and androids so realistic you can't tell them apart from humans unless you ask them a bunch of stupid questions about tortoises and boiled dogs and stuff. Apparently that's the only way to tell a replicant from a human. Gee how about a metal detector? I guess that would be too easy. In movies like this everybody has to do everything in the most ridiculous complicated way possible. And what's with that stupid voice Ford uses when talking to the snake woman? And why didn't that first blade runner check Brion James for a gun before interviewing him?
If they set the movie 200 years in the future maybe I could believe it more. What a waste of good performances by Sanderson, Turkel and Hauer although unlike others on here I didn't find it boring.
Rear Window (1954)
I was rooting for Thorwald
Jeff is a whiney jerk who has a hot blonde girlfriend 1/10th his age yet doesn't appreciate her or the gourmet meals she brings him and laughing at people who get rained on. He's also dumb, standing in front of a car on a racetrack just to get a good picture. Also a real New Yorker wouldn't care if one of his neighbors killed anybody.
The Grace Kelly character is completely unrealistic, more like a male fantasy rather than a real person.
Thorwald's wife was always laughing at him so she deserved to die, although he probably shouldn't have killed the little dog. She also didn't look like an invalid to me. She looked perfectly healthy in her few scenes. And why wouldn't he (or Miss Lonelyhearts) close the blinds so the whole courtyard couldn't watch their private business? And why did no one have a TV in 1954? Irl these people would all be watching I Love Lucy instead of staring out the windows.
Troll (1986)
Not as good as Troll 2
But still alot of fun. The Law and Order guy and the least hot Charlie's Angel move into an apartment with their son Boxey as Harry freakin' Potter and some little blonde girl. Of course the apartment is full of weirdos: the guy from WKRP, Elaine from Seinfeld and her real life husband, some very sexy old lady who lives upstairs and Sonny Bozo.
Sonny's apartment is turned into a forest for growing trolls, which are an obvious ripoff of Gremlins. Elaine looks really hot naked and covered in vines as some kind of jungle woman. Boxey Potter and the old lady join forces and a magic spell turns her into Sheba from Battlestar Galactica. It's cool to see Boxey and Sheba reunited here. The dad (or dud) has a dance number to a Blue Cheer song for God knows what reason. There's also a singing mushroom and a real life midget who gets all serious and brings the film down until he gets turned into a troll. Horror for kids.
Apparently the sexy old lady from this movie is still alive. Maybe she really is a wizard.
Dune (1984)
Star Worms
Man this movie has it all. Bald chicks with no eyebrows, fat dudes with acne who can fly, guys with reverse mohawks, the fat guy who played Bluto, wooden spaceships, guys with herpes and huge, bushy eyebrows, an octopus who can shoot laser beams out of its mouth, people with really blue eyes, Captain Picard with a mullet, little girls dressed in black with demon voices, guys riding giant sandworms and Sting.
Apparently 10,000 years from now everything will look like it was designed by Captain Nemo and people will all be very serious at all times and speak in flowery Shakespeare-type speeches.
The only thing these future people care about is some weird spice that cures erectile dysfunction or something but to get it you gotta tame some giant worms and wear a thing in your nose. Oh and everybody only wears black.
The Hollywood Knights (1980)
The Hollywood Blights
Truly idiotic and juvenile movie starring Robert Wuhl, Tony Danza. Michelle Pfeiffer, the Nanny, the fat cop from Arachnophobia, the chick from Just One of the Guys and a bunch of nobodies.
It's just like American Graffiti if that had been made by 12-year old sex perverts. Wuhl as New Bomb Turk is a guy who thinks he's hysterically funny but in reality is just obnoxious and disgusting. There's a couple of Keystone Cops chasing after him but constantly getting outwitted. Apparently Hollywood in 1965 only had 2 cops per shift.
Danza and Pfeiffer are both really boring here with uninteresting relationship squabbles. The only plus is the great oldies music, including a song from 1966, and plenty of hot chicks including Drescher but not including bony Pfeiifer.
Retribution (1987)
Completely insane
A gangster is torched until he looks like Freddy Kruger while a dork who looks like Lloyd Christmas but even nerdier jumps out a window. He survives and gets a doctor who looks like the chick from Flashdance and who cares more about him than any doctor ever cared for a patient in real life.
The gangster's ghost decides to use this loser to get revenge on the guys who killed him and has a guy stuck inside a pig carcass and sliced in half. A mechanic who looks like Quentin Tarantino gets his hand cut off by a blowtorch etc. The nerdy guy gets superpowers and his eyes turn green like the Hulk when he's killing people. He also has the power to give people nosebleeds for some reason. Halfway through the fat dude from Gremlins shows up. He must've been short of cash that week.
There is a cool scene in an art gallery with the chick who played Papi's daughter on Seinfeld. For some reason chicks find this guy irresistible. In fact everybody loves this pumpkin pie haircutted freak and cries like babies when he dies. As if.
Blood Beat (1983)
What the hell was that?
Incredibly weird movie about some ugly Roger Waters looking chick who wears ponchos and her Bob Seger looking hunter boyfriend who live out in the woods.
One Christmas her son comes home with some spacey chick who hates hunting (maybe she shouldn't have gone along on a hunting trip then) and she slowly turns into a samurai for some reason and starts shooting laser beams at people or something. In one scene a bunch of foodstuffs come flying at the old hunter guy, including a can of Pepsi and Quik.
We get to see the breasts of the hunting-hating girlfriend but she's no prize. I would have rather seen the chubby sister naked. Truly bizarre.
Ravenous (1999)
This movie made me a cannibal
But it didn't make me bulletproof unfortunately. How can you make a movie about something so demonstrably false? Many people have eaten human flesh over the years yet none of them ever got super powers. Still a great movie though, obviously inspired by the Donner Party. I never knew Serbia looks so much like the Rocky Mountains. But why not film at the real Rocky Mountains? It's gotta be easier to go from LA to there than flying halfway across the world.
The cast all seem to be in different movies. David Arquette thinks he's in a 90s stoner comedy. Jeremy Davies plays a creepy spaz while Jeffrey Jones seems far too calm. Only Pearce and Carlyle (miscast as a Scot) seem to take this whole thing seriously. The worst is that yellow haired dude who looks like a boy bander. He's totally unconvincing for a 19th century guy.
Directed by some chick named Bird.