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Diary of the Dead (2007)
Why, George, why??!!??
A bunch of cool-style college kids are out in the woods making a mummy film (yeah you read that right) when they get word thru their cell phones and texts that some sort of zombie breakout has occurred. The kids with their stereotypical English film professor (all professors are stuffy Brits, didn't you know?) decide to stop filming and get out of dodge. When one of the film students decides to off herself, she comes back as a zombie and from there the rest of the movie you have seen in a zillion zombie films. Only every character is under the age of 25.
The film is shot on video and is narrated by the lead who says that this is a film project, a documentary on what happened. She even says she added music for dramatic effect. But the movie's use of video POV serves no point at all. When a zombie starts to attack, the person holding the camera just stands there and watches. When the camera falls or is put down, it properly fills the frame perfectly for us to see what is going on. The Blair Witch Project worked using this style. So did Cloverfield. This does not.
Now, let's discuss the acting. It is the worst I have ever seen. I have seen performances at a grade school production of Billy Goats Gruff that run rings around these actors. They are so bad they don't even try. But Romero's script forces them to spout off the most hilarious bad dialog. A character says, 'Why are you still shooting?" and the guy with the video camera says back, "Well, I wish I can change the script but I can't!" Oh and during the beginning of the film one kid says that zombies should walk slower and later on when a zombie attacks and they kill it, the kid says happily, "See? I told you zombies walk slow." Oh, oh, and my favorite moment is when suddenly a girl says that she is leaving and gets in the kid's van and takes off for no reason! She leaves everyone behind and says, "Don't mess with Texas" with her Texas accent and then a Texas rodeo song plays as she drives away. I'm not making this up folks! The movie also has some of the most unnecessary use of F words too. Right away police officers are swearing like a Scorsese film.
Is the gore any decent? We all love Dawn of the Dead (and if you don't you take it up the butt) and even Day of the Dead has some pretty grisly scenes, thanks to make up master Tom Savini. Well, Tom isn't on this one (nor was he on Land of the Dead) and his protégé Greg Nicotero has taken over for Savini. Greg is great, I love his work. He has done everything from Nightmare on Elm Street 5 to the TV series Deadwood. Somehow his zombies look like monsters. They don't even look very good. And every single bit of blood in this film is all CGI. Headshots, guts, you name it, its all CGI now. It's like watching a video game and it looks terrible. OH! But it has plenty of comic relief and one-liners! For all you little idiots who need to feel safe while watching a horror film, rest assured, there is a ton of comic relief for you.
I would have hated this film had it come from some idiot out of film school whose knowledge of horror films is the Scream series. But from George A. Romero? I have met Romero twice in the past and he was so polite to everyone, answered questions, was kind with his fans. It's hard for me to say a bad thing about him. This review just kills me to write. I absolutely couldn't stand watching this movie. I think its time for Romero to retire. His movies stink now.
Effects (1979)
This should have stayed lost
Being a fan of Tom Savini, I was excited to see this old film of his that he did the effects for. Now, think of this: Tom Savini, Joe Pilato (Rhodes from Day of the Dead) John Harrison (the composer of Romero films like Creepshow and Day of the Dead) in a movie about a making of a snuff film! Sounds like good ol' 70's exploitation horror, right? As Arnold said in Terminator "Wrong!" This boring suspense drama is about...well, not too sure since there was no plot. But something about a crazy director who secretly video tapes his cast and crew have sex, snort cocaine, talk about George Taki's sex life, and then tries to kill his cinematographer for no reason. Tom Savini is funny as a scumbag stunt man who loves his women (basically Tom just played himself). But there is no blood or gore, there is nothing scary about the film, and the editing is really poor. I would rather see midgets shoot their little people pee all over a bag of Dorito's for 90 min. Now that would be an effect! I would rather see mentally challenged people drool all over bare breasts for 90 min. That would be an effect! Watching Joe Pilato mope around and fall in love with a female gaffer on some cheap movie is not an effect! Effect rhymes with erect.
Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)
The farmer and the hell
Your suffering will be legendary, even in direct to video sequels! Doug Bradley gets another paycheck as Pinhead in the newest poopfest from Rick Botard, Hellraiser: Hellworld. This time, Rick insults the fans by having a story that acts as if Hellraiser was a movie and all made up. A bunch of cool style kids (punk girl, heroine, jerky guy, hero, and black guy) play a computer game and win a chance to go to a lame as hell (get it????) party run by Lance Henriksen who starts killing the kids off one by one because he blames them for the death of his son who poured gasoline on his body because Rick Botard wanted him to be in a Hellraiser sequel. At first I felt sorry for Lance but then I remembered he was in Mangler 2 so he deserves what he gets. Lance, we loved you in Aliens and Near Dark so stop making direct to video sequels! What's next, Prophecy: Lancelot the Angel or Witchcraft VXIVX: Couldron of Lance? Oh I got one, Children of the Corn 8: Lance's Children! These Hellraiser movies have turned into a Freddy's Nightmares but without Freddy and with Pinhead. Is it real or a dream? Who cares! I asked myself the same question as I was watching this DVD. I would have rather paused it on one of the scenes of nudity, send some knuckle children onto the TV set, and go to bed.
Dark Water (2005)
Dark Dookie
Please God, I know you can hear me. I have been good lately and I think you owe me a favor. Please God, stop these bad, evil producers in making PG-13 rated horror films, especially remakes of Japanese movies. Can you do me this one favor? God, you should have seen this movie. It's atrocious! The editing was so bad it made no sense. One second a character is holding something and the next shot, its gone. The acting was OK but why are you punishing Tim Roth? He can be in better movies than this. The "twist" you can seeing coming after the first 20 minutes! There is not one thing scary about this film aside from the fact that I spent 9 dollars on this turd. McHale's Navy is scarier than this! God, why can't you get these studio executives to go balls out and make good old fashioned, gory, scary horror films? If you can grant me this favor, I promise I won't carve racial slurs into female buttocks anymore. And you know I love doing that.
Closer (2004)
This movie needed Glenn Close
You want to see the most pretentious, laughable, boring, movie ever made? You got it with Closer. Based on a play (red flag goes up there) about 4 despicable human beings who screw each other over (literally too) and...well, that's it. There is no plot other than these nitwits falling in and out of love faster than Charlie Sheen's life. Not once did I believe any of these characters were ever in love. I also never believed that they ever could fall in love with each other. Why does stuffy Jude Law falls for a stripper? Because she got hit by a car and smiled at him before she got hit. Why does big mouthed Julia Roberts fall for this English guy? Because he bought her a balloon at an aquarium. This is it folks! Lots of action here! Move over Die Hard, here comes Closer! Oh and get ready for some of the most vile, over the top graphic dialog ever in a film. The swearing would make Andrew Dice Clay, Peter North, Howard Stern, and Scott Estes wince. Not to mention when people speak, the other responds so quickly you can tell this is written and we are watching a movie. Why does Jude Law act like a woman in a chat room? How did Natalie Portman know that Jude Law was cheating with Julia Roberts? Why does the Virgin Mary pop up at the end holding an issue of Redbook, wearing a t-shirt that says, "Make mine Marvel"? Oh and to the girl who was talking thru the whole movie at the LaGrange Park movie theater, I hope that someday red ants crawl into your pubes as your boyfriend/husband punches you in the face repeatedly.
Total Recall (1990)
Arnold plays Dennis Quaid in Dreamrecall
Arnold is huge in this film. His poop has muscles. The man just does not frig. Arnold has his mind erased and must find out why everyone is trying to kill him and the key lies on the planet Mars. The special effects are still great, we see Arnold take an ax to a few people, rip off Michael Ironside's iron arms, shoot people, bangs Sharon Stone, eats apple pie, and many other actions such as walking and talking. Paul Verybigchoda directs this sci-fi masterpiece. This could be better than his Robocop. How can you go wrong when you see a woman with three breasts? THREE! Living in Chicago I wish we could have Johnny Cabs. Instead we have Jumbalia Cabs where the cab driver smells like curry and his prices are higher than Christopher Lloyd's character from "Taxi". Sorry Bob!
Toolbox Murders (2004)
Tobe needs a new toolbox
Someone needs to tell Tobe Hooper to retire. It started with that Spontaneous Combustion movie. Then it went to Night Terrors. Then he went to "drama' with Apartment Complex. Then he tried to re-make Eaten Alive with Crocodile and now he remakes Toolbox Murders. Toolbox murders is a step up from these films but that's like saying, "Well that mentally retarded child just peed in my mouth when he was originally going to poop in it." Toolbox is terrible. After a promising opening of a woman being terrorized in her apartment by a killer and having her head bashed in with a hammer, we have a young couple (is it me or does every horror movie now have actors under the age of 45?) who move into this crummy apartment with lots of funny and quirky characters. (aka: annoying and not funny) The killer once in awhile springs up to kill a few people (one he kills thru an elevator which we never see. Guess he forgot his toolbox for that one) The killer even has acid in his toolbox! Who caries that? I know Adam Suess carries huge sub sandwiches in his but not acid. The history behind the killer almost makes zero sense and when there isn't a killing, the movie stops dead and is more boring than watching man glaze dry. There is no suspense, the gore is edited (its added as "deleted scenes" on the DVD with a stupid time code running thru the whole scene) no boobs or broccoli bush, bad acting, and the ending is a complete rip-off of Halloween. The movie is better than Drowning in the Haze however. Rent the original Toolbox Murders otherwise stick a screwdriver up your butt.
Road House (1989)
Hilarious accidentally
God, what a great film. Maybe one of the funniest films. The movie tries way too hard to be a "guy" flick and it boarders as being homoerotic. Seeing Swayze almost nude doing karate as an old Uncle Jesse looking guy watches him is just creepy. Swayze is Dalton, a guy who thinks pain doesn't hurt, a guy who can rip your throat out with his bare hands, a guy who can kick your ass and then take home Kelly Lynch and bang her the same night. Dalton is trying to clean up the Double Duce, a rough bar where the patrons aren't very friendly. The dialog is brilliant! We get lines like, "I f--- guys like you in prison!" "The Double Douche?" "Come on, chicken dick!" "You're too stupid to have a good time." "God, I love the way Don Knots makes love." The movie has tons of violence, a bar fight every 15 min. or so. Boobs flop around alot too and for the women and Shawn, Swayze shows his buns. Ben Gazzara as the bad guy chews his scenery like Adam with wings. It's a very fun film and if you don't take it too seriously, you'll enjoy it. If you liked Sense and Sensibility, you'll enjoy Road House!
Autostop rosso sangue (1977)
Another Hess masterpiece
David Hess and Franco Nero: how can you go wrong? Great action/drama about a married couple who hate each other that pick up an escaped convict played by the man, David Hess. He holds the two hostage as the couple try and work together to get rid of him any way they can. Awesome dialog, good acting, some nice suspense scenes, and plenty of female nudity make this a must see. The ending however is pretty dumb and should have ended about 20 min. earlier.
La casa sperduta nel parco (1980)
Deodato and Hess!
Another great horror film by Deodato and this time he brings everyone's favorite rapist/madman to the table, the great David A. Hess. Before the opening credits, a woman is raped and killed by Hess as a love song plays. We know we have a winner! Hess and his goofy friend (the guy whose wang got cut off in Make Them Die Slowly) crash a yuppie party in NYC and start to terrorize them with his straight razor. Everyone in the film is unlikable so it is hard to root for anyone. Hess has so much sex and feels every women's milk balloon that he must have loved doing this film. Finally, the guests overrun the thugs and one blows off Hess's penis. An exploitation classic.
Ultimo mondo cannibale (1977)
I'll tell you what a jungle it is
The actor's pubes! My God, you know a film is 70's when men have sideburns by their peckers. The women in the film have such thick bush that you could knit a sweater with it. Oh, the movie? Typical film about some anthropologists who crash their plane into the jungles of Malasia and are attacked by cannibals. Pretty tame compared to the director's Cannibal Holocaust but still gory near the end. Nicely shot and the acting is fine but the film gets boring until the action picks up. The actor in the film must have guts because he is urinated on and his weiner is slapped around and played with by natives during one scene that had me laughing hysterically.
Traces of Death (1993)
No Bud! No Bud! No Bud!
Forget Faces of Death, this tape is all real. Very hardcore and graphic. Images of Vic Morrow's death, suicides, car accidents, abortions, nose jobs, firing squads, and finally R. Budd Dwyer pulling a nice gun. R Budd Dwyer was a senator or a congressman who blew his brains out on national. That is really one of the most disturbing images I have ever seen. And we get to see it non stop in various camera angles. The metal music is great but the narration is almost laughable and too over the top. Still, if you are looking to be grossed out or just seeing what can shock you, rent this tape.
Pink Flamingos (1972)
I love you Eggman
This is probably the funniest, sickest, movies ever made and now a midnight movie classic. You have to see it to believe it. hats off to John Waters for coming up with some really sick characters and situations. Sure, it's for shock value but he did that intentionally. Scenes such as Divine giving her son a blowjob, a woman who pulls out her penis and waves it around, a man who is called The Whistling Asshole, are just the highlights of this sick and crazy movie. The movie does go on way too long which hurts repeated viewings but its worth a look. The dialog is great such as when Divine sucks her son off he yells, "Do my balls Mama!" or the fat egg lady saying, "I love you Adam Suess." A must-see.
The Delta Force (1986)
Norris and Marvin: how can you go wrong?
Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin together on the big screen: perfection! They star as part of a team that goes around taking out terrorists. Robert Forester (his best performance) plays an Arabic bad guy who with the help of some other Arabs hijacks a plane and go about killing and torturing the hostages. With an all-star cast, this movie is non stop action. I watched the film a few days after September 11th and couldn't believe how much accurate this film may have been. I just wish we had Chuck and Lee kicking foreign Arab butt. You should see this just for the great theme song, Chuck's motorcycle, and Lee Marvin shooting an Arab in the face. They don't make these movies like they used to. Now we get 20 something actors fighting computer generated monsters as they do kung fu and spout off one-liners. Delta Force rules! Oh, and sequel sucks but that's because it was made by Aaron Norris.
RoboCop (1987)
This is a man's movie!
Robocop is every man's fantasy film. We have action, gore, boobs, car chases, and some comedy thrown in. Peter Weller is great as Murphy, the cop who gets wasted by Clarence (Kurtwood Smith who looks like Lee Bowles) and turned into Robocop. It would have been nice to see Karen Allen naked but alas she isn't. Check out Carrie if you want to see her wool (I'll buy that for a dollar!). Get the unrated version of Robocop so you can see all of Rob Bottin's excellent make up effects.
Fight for Your Life (1977)
Martin Luther King would be proud
Easily the most racist film ever made. You will not see this film ever come on DVD and the only way to get it, is through a bootleg copy. William Sanderson (Newhart TV show and Blade Runner) stars as a convict who escapes from jail with Chino and Chow and find refuge at a black minister's house. What happens from there is almost like Last House on the Left in that the convicts torture, rape, and kill members of the family. The racial slurs are flown at you faster than the jokes from Airplane! One little boy is called "Martin Luther Coon" and another boy has his head bashed in with a rock. The family soon gets even but not before they themselves scream racial slurs at the white people. So basically, they aren't any better! The film is hilarious and a must see for fans of exploitation. I am sure Sanderson wants to forget this film. I can't. I loved it.
Cannibal Holocaust (1980)
Not for pansies
This is what I want in a horror film. Gore, nudity, rape, and pure sleaziness. From the director of Cut and Run and House on the Edge of the Park, this is a great cannibal film and a must for fans of true horror films. Evil college kids go to the jungles of some backwards country and torture a bunch of natives in a village. Then justice is served when the savages eat them all up, not before raping them. People call this film sick, disturbing, graphic, and repulsive. It is! But it's a horror film and horror is suppose to scare you and disturb you so I have no idea what the bitch is? I find it disgusting, sure but it was really well made and I had a ball watching it. The gore looked real and the women had nice thick bushes so it's all good!
The Tao of Steve (2000)
Tao of Adam Suess
This movie is just plain horrible. Guess what, not every independent movie is good. The story is about the untalented Logue (who is about as annoying as Will Farrell, Jack Black, and Lisa Ernst put together) who is a kindergarten teacher finding love. Barf! I'd rather watch flies make love.
Rules of Engagement (2000)
Finally a film for us Republicans
Simply put, a great film! I don't know about you, but I have been sick of seeing left wing messagy movies and left wing actors like Michael Fat Slob Moore spouting off garbage and everyone eating it up. For all those who aren't blinded by this trash, see this movie. Excellent acting, screenplay, and directing. Watch this film while you eat a steak and then throw on Sands of Iwo Jima for the hell of it.
The Road to Wellville (1994)
Pure insanity
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!!! This movie is for fans of sick men! Lots and lots of insanity. Hopkins give an awesome performance as Kellogg and everyone else does a pretty good job. Hard to believe that Alan Parker directed this. Lots and lots of poop, farts, and boobies.
Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985)
We need more comedies like this
Easily the best in the series, Police Academy 2 is the funniest and probably most offensive of the series. I laugh still to this day at some of the jokes and just the whole 80's feel to it. I also like the brief shot of boobies that you never see in PG-13 movies anymore. It was also great because this is the first film to have Zed and SweetSuess.
Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
I'm a nerd
This must rank up there as one of the funniest damn films I have ever seen. The cast is perfect and the script is hilarious. And this has to be one of the ultimate 80's films. The movie is basically the nerds against the jocks/princesses and almost everyone can relate to this film. When you're young you laugh at the boobies and Booger but now that I am older, there is so much more subtle humor in it. The fact the nerds belong to an all black fraternity alone is hilarious. Plus, the film is so un-PC it would never be made nowadays. The DVD sucks by the way, there are a few moments that are taken out such as the nerds walking up to the abandoned house which was on all the VHS copies. Oh well, we still get to see Betty's assticaution and "bush".
Zapped! (1982)
Scott Baio's masterpiece
This movie is a masterpiece of 1980's comedies. It has everything you want in an 80's film. Washed up actors like Scott Baio and Willie Aames (who are actually funny in the film) super hot Heather Thomas that can give a gay man a hard on, plenty of great 80's songs that you never heard of, a prom scene, a sports cliche, plenty of flopping breasts, and Scatman Crothers. This movie came out back when R rated films made money. The film was PG and then they added some boobies to make it rated R. Today, Solaris was given an R just for showing George Clooney's liberal behind (it was later revoked to PG-13). Back then, producers knew that kids wanted to see large, oval shaped tater tots and kids drinking and going bonkers. This movie would be great to show with such flawless films as Bachelor Party, Revenge of the Nerds, Porky's, and Three O'Clock High. Forget American Pie and Old School, watch the REAL films that started them all. WOW!
Cage (1989)
Laughable and cheap
I rented this film to see what might be a bloody, non stop action movie and got this overly sentimental and super cheap low budget action-drama that makes Kickboxer look like Die Hard. Lou and Reb are in Vietnam and as Lou saves Reb from the gooks, he gets shot in the head in what is easily one of the worst effects ever. The Vietnam scenes are shot in someones backyard, I swear! Lou is now brain damaged and Reb and him live together and own a bar. Super homoerotic. Lou is convinced to fight in a cage for money and Reb goes on a killing spree to get him back. There is no good fight scenes at all, the punches are two inches away from a person. Characters personalities change in matter of seconds. One guy is a bad and in the next scene he's good. The acting is horrid and the music is some overly sentimental Frank Stallone sounding song that would make you sick. I hated this film.
Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI (1986)
If only the gore was intact
This could have been the best Friday the 13th film. There are some humorous moments but not overly silly with one-liners (see Jason X) and Jason is now turned into Zombie Jason. He's super strong and can kill alot quicker and take more punishment. The music by Alice Cooper rocks, the acting is good, almost the whole film takes place at night, the problem with the movie is that the people at the MPAA butchered this film to death. It is almost incoherent at times thanks to them. The boob count is also zero and surely missed.