Rocketer Reviews

I Heart Huckabees (2004)

Fools and Tools

[3/10 · 11 February 2006]

There are people in this world who just don't get it. They agonize about questions most people have a handle on once they stop smoking dope and get jobs. "I Heart Huckabees" is a movie by and for such hapless, feckless dolts.

I've said all anyone needs to know about this movie but the IMDb minimum for a comment is ten lines. So here are a few more lines that I hope will you will find valuable:

I don't have all the answers about life and existence but I do know this much. Life is too precious and short and sublime to waste 106 irreplaceable minutes of it watching "I Heart Huckabees."

I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1957)

Fun in its own right, great as an MST3K episode

[6/10 · 21 August 2005]

My rating of 6 is for the straight movie. As an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 I'd give it a 9 or 10. Along with "Mole People" it's one of the funniest MST3Ks I've ever seen.

People who don't like shlocky 50s sci fi and horror films just don't get it. This whole kooky genre is a wonderful window into the culture and mores of the time. They're not just entertaining in their own right (if you approach them with the right attitude), they're information-rich documents that help explain a bygone era. Your grandparents watched them in the movies, your parents watched them on late-night TV when the only thing on late night TV was corny old movies.

Watch "Teenage Frankenstein" and its ilk and you won't be scared but you'll get a great history lesson and a laugh or two.

Donnie Darko (2001)

Puerile Pap, Inchoate Crap

[3/10 · 20 June 2004]

Donnie Darko isn't merely a bad film but a genuine stinker. It's animated by the kind of sophomoric musings contemplated by kids sitting around a dorm room smoking pot late at night.

Instead of a plot it offers merely a series of puzzles. (What's with the guy in the bunny suit? Will the world really end in 28 days? Is Donnie really schizo?). Instead of character development it offers the touchstones of adolescent angst that movies geared to teens have plumbed for generations (the school bully, the inept grownups who run the school, uncool outcasts and so on).

That IMDb users could rate it so highly is a sad commentary on the state of our culture. But then again, these are presumably the same people who think The Shawshank Redemption (#2) is a better film than say, Shadow of a Doubt (#185).

If you don't believe me when I tell you how bad this film is you could always see it for yourself and form your own opinion. But don't say I didn't warn you: You're risking an hour and 53 minutes of your life you'll never get back.

The Umbrellas of Cherbourg (1964)

A Strange and Beautiful Film

[9/10 · 14 February 2004]

"The Umbrellas of Cherbourg" as it's known in English is hard to explain. It's a modern (well, mid 20th century) French opera set to a 60's euro MOR/pop score. It's a visual and aural treat. If you don't like it you just don't get it.

Woman of Straw (1964)

Surprisingly Ineffective

[4/10 · 17 August 2003]

It's a testament to this film's torpid story that even Sean Connery and "La Lolla" at the height of their powers in the mid sixties can't make it interesting.

Ralph Richardson is Charles Richmond, an enormously wealthy widower who spends his time humiliating his employees and anyone else unfortunate to come within his range. Sean Connery is his nephew Anthony, who tolerates the old man as he covets his wealth. Into this happy family comes Maria Marcello (Gina Lollabrigida), a nurse hired to care for the old man.

Connery covets Lollabrigida, whom he tries to persuade to help him kill Uncle. She marries Uncle instead. Do they try to kill Uncle? Do they succeed? I don't know. I gave up after an hour. Perhaps you'll have greater fortitude and can find some virtue that I missed.

Dogma (1999)

Craptacular Failure

[2/10 · 11 July 2003]

I found this film profoundly offensive. Is it because I'm Catholic? No. I'm an atheist. It's because this movie STINKS. It's ugly, sophomoric, moronic crap.

I liked Kevin Smith's debut film, Clerks, and I purchased the DVD. I got my copy of Dogma by downloading it from a file sharing network. I'm so glad not a dime of my money ended up in Smith's pocket for this stupid waste of time. I have to confess that this review is not based on the entire movie because after 52 minutes I just gave up. I couldn't endure it anymore. If I can muster the intestinal fortitude I'll view the second half of the movie before I erase it from my hard disk.

The Fugitive (1963–1967)

The Best TV Show Ever Made

[10/10 · 3 January 2003]

The Fugitive is unique. Although it has been loosely imitated (The Immortal), parodied (Run, Buddy Run) and remade (as a mediocre movie and mediocre TV series) there has never been anything like it on TV, before or since. The acting, production values and especially the writing are as good as it ever gets on television.

If you have never seen an episode you are in for a treat if you ever get the chance to see one. I remember watching the show as a kid when it was first broadcast in the mid-sixties but I didn't really appreciate how very good it is until I started watching it on A&E in the early 90's.

The first three seasons were in black and white and the fourth and final season was in color. Like a lot of shows some of the best stories are in its second season, when the writers and audience are comfortable with the premise and characters but there are still plenty of fresh ideas to fuel the storyline. "Nemesis" and "May God Have Mercy" are typical of the show's high quality.

You can appreciate the show on many levels. It's cerebral yet there's plenty of action. The guest stars are a Who's Who of past (Mickey Rooney, Ed Begley Sr.) and future (Robert Duvall, Telly Savalas, Harry Dean Stanton, Carroll O'Connor and many others) stars. The stories are compelling to watch and instructive to study.

The Fugitive is a gem.

The Night Walker (1964)

Stylish but Dumb, Dumb, Dumb

[4/10 · 14 June 2002]

Talk about style over substance! This move has NO substance. The plot is ridiculous with holes you could drive a herd of elephants through.

Yet it does have a modicum of style. The score by Vic Mizzy (who also created the themes for The Addams Family and Green Acres) adds a certain touch. And the melodramatic make-up and special effects are fun.

Don't go out of your way for to see this one but if it happens to be on late some night it makes nice background radiation while you're cruising the Web.

The Mole People (1956)

I don't care what anybody says, this film is a hoot!

[7/10 · 2 April 2002]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's cheesy bw 50's sci fi. But it's GREAT cheesy bw 50's sci fi! The Mole People would be campy if it weren't so earnest. It takes itself so seriously it even begins with a pseudodocumentary prelude explaining the hollow Earth theory.

Part of the fun is seeing future TV faves Hugh Beaumont (Beaver's dad), and Alan Napier (Alfred the butler) teamed with legendary 50's hack actors John Agar and Nestor Paiva.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 gave Mole People the full treatment and it was one of the funniest MST3K episodes ever. For the full effect I'd suggest you view the straight version first and then try to find the MST3K episode.

Clerks (1994)

Overrated But Worthwhile Nevertheless

[6/10 · 22 November 2001]

Clerks has, in my opinion, been ridiculously overrated by critics and moviegoers alike. It's uneven and much of the humor is sophomoric.

Still, I like it and purchased the DVD. There are moments that are laugh out loud funny. If you're looking for a few good laughs on a Saturday night you should definitely rent it.

Days of Heaven (1978)

One of the most beautifully photographed films every made.

[9/10 · 6 May 2000]

If there is a film more beautifully photographed than Days of Heaven, I don't know what it is. The vistas of the American plains in the early part of this century are breathtaking. Linda Manz's narration as a streetwise urchin with wisdom beyond her age completes the illusion that we have been swept back to a simpler but much harder time.

The story is interesting but not particularly compelling. But the story not why you'll enjoy this film. As a great opera is a thrill for the ears, this film is a thrill for the eyes. And I have seen it only on television. If it it ever comes to a revival house where I can see it on the big screen, I'll dash over the bodies of the slower-footed to buy my ticket.

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Promises Unkept

[16 July 1999]

Eyes Wide Shut is a movie that keeps getting interesting without ever actually getting interesting.

Anticipation, titillation, innuendo, foreboding and foreshadowing pervade the film but I felt I never got the payoff that the story seemed to be promising.

Manhattan physician Bill Harford (Tom Cruise) and his beautiful wife Alice (Nicole Kidman) attend a Chistmas party where they both flirt with other people.

Discussing the party afterwards, Alice tells Bill about a chance encounter in their past that led her to fantasize about another man. This seems to upset Bill, and it sets him up to pursue an opportunity to attend a mysterious masked ball that involves a lot of beautiful naked women. If this sounds a bit confusing, well, it is.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine what director Stanley Kubrick (who also co-wrote the screenplay) was trying to say. I wonder if he knew. Eyes Wide Shut is pretty and sexy but utterly pointless. In the end it's not that you don't care what happened to the characters--you're not even sure WHAT happened to them.

It's hard to believe that this is the same director who gave us The Killing, Dr. Strangelove, Lolita and 2001: A Space Odyssey.

If this this movie is Kubrick's epitaph, his life ended not with a bang, but a whimper.

The Colossus of New York (1958)

An underrated atmospheric thriller

[7/10 · 11 May 1999]

The conventional wisdom is that this is a mediocre movie. Yet I find it strangely affecting. A man's brain is placed in a large robotic body, but it's not the usual mad scientist bit. The scientist is a desperate father and the brain belongs to his son (Ross Martin), killed(?) in an automobile accident.

Encased in his robotic body, the son longs to see his own son. These are mad scientists with family values!

The only music in the movie is provided by a lone piano. The motivation for this decision was probably more economical than artistic but Nathan Van Cleave's score echoes the fear and melancholy that permeates the film perfectly.

Not a great film, but one every sci-fi and horror movie fan should see.

Roadblock (1951)

A nifty little film noir

[7/10 · 9 May 1999]

This is a slight little B movie that's entertaining nevertheless. Insurance investigator Joe Peters (Charles McGraw) meets hot number Diane (Joan Dixon) and decides he's going to have to do something desperate to keep her in the lifestyle she wants to become accustomed to.

Milburn Stone (Gunsmoke's Doc) has a small role as a detective.

Crooklyn (1994)

Not much comedy in this comedy-drama.

[4/10 · 19 April 1999]

Although it's been hailed as a comedy-drama I found "Crooklyn" to be mostly depressing. It's hard to imagine how Spike Lee could look back affectionately on so much chaos, petty cruelty, irresponsibility and mean-spiritedness.