happycarrot68 Reviews

The Fifth Element (1997)

Blade Runner with humour

[9/10 · 7 December 2023]

A film that got very mixed reviews on release but personally loved it. Great graphics, slick, interesting characters and completely bizarre in parts.

Bruce Willis is greatgreat as cab driver Korbin Dallas and Milla J as the cookie supreme being

The visuals are tremendous , the storyline a bit odd but you can forgive that as it moves along with some of films best dressed characters C/O JPG

Lots of famous faces pop up along the way , Gary Oldman play his usual bizarre self, not unlike his character in Leon and Luke Perry makes an appearance. The only downside is a horrible performance by Chris Tucker. I found myself fast forwarding through his annoying appearance second watch and every other one since. Thankfully he's soon gone via the button.

Red Army Hooligans (2018)

Horrendous

[2/10 · 6 December 2023]

Obviously the 10 ratings are by those somehow related to this awful film Some of the acting makes Danny Dyer look like Pacino it's so poor.

These football films are genuinely bad but this one somehow manages to make Football Factory/Green St etc look watchable. A terrible film, based more on a fella with a brain injury surrounded by actors who would fail a school nativity play audition

The story itself is a flat as the acting, revenge on a Russian firm at the World Cup...I doubt too many will make it to the end of the film to b e honest it's so bad.

The firm themselves look more like a bad pub quiz team and the music is terrible, especially during a card game scene.

Dreadful.

Threads (1984 TV Movie)

Still a hard watch

[9/10 · 23 November 2023]

We had to watch at school and was told we could leave the room at any time. Obviously no one wanted to lose face so everyone sat through it in complete silence

Still has the same impact despite the dated cars and timeline etc

As someone who grew up watching horror and apocalyptic films, the darker the better, this was the only film that left a lasting impression 40 odd years later

Try to find the longer version if looking for the first time, have noticed a as lightly cut version on some channels. The BBC did a nuclear war week in the 80s and this was the highlight to speak and the cause of a few sleepless nights.

The Fall of the Essex Boys (2013)

Wow this is so bad

[2/10 · 14 November 2023]

Imagine a really bad episode of EastEnders, well there's no such thing as a good one, an accent even more put on than Danny Dyer, acting even worse than Danny Dyer (yes it's possible) and you have this .

Not quite sure why there was any need for his at all, not that interesting a tale and the same old Footsoldier vibe from these films they keep churning out.

It could almost be mistaken for a spoof the acting is so bad, Sooty is more menacing than the characters the actors are trying to portray.

Is exactly what the previous delivered but without the same cast, where they found this lot am not sure, They won a raffle to star in it would be my guess

If you want a laugh at some awful story lines, accents and acting then this is for you.

Letter to Brezhnev (1985)

Predictable low budget bore

[2/10 · 12 November 2023]

Two girls in the town in Liverpool meet 2 sailors from Russia, about as good as the story gets

A dull story starting the ever annoying Margi Clark set in Liverpool one girl after a night with a sailor decides she wants to move to Russia to be with him

Neither character is likeable and the story not interesting enough to keep you entertained in a thin, unbelievable plot

One of those watched, soon forgotten films of the era that found an audience at the time but soon forgotten for obvious reasons. Alfred Molina in an early role as interesting as this remains, the rest, well nothing else to see here.

Swimming with Men (2018)

Sinking more like

[3/10 · 2 November 2023]

A film that reeks of a writer who sat down and thought...how do I create the next Full Monty

We'll this isn't it .

Rob Brydon carries a poor, predictable film with a cast that look lost and never work together in a thin plot about a middle aged man who is part of a misfit synchronised swimming team. It doesn't go anywhere, keep you entertained or interested enough

It attempts to tug at you and and amuse but fails to do either. I found myself waiting for the inevitable storyline to be over with and wondering what was on the agenda next after this had finished, sooner rather than later. Thomas Thurgoose still portrays the acting ability of the kid who was forced to be in the school play as he did in This Is England.

Barely makes the adult pool, more the one where the feet are disenfected.

The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle (1980)

Not good

[3/10 · 27 September 2023]

Basically an attempt by Malcolm to convince the world that he was something he wasn't. He loved to talk about himself as a manipulator and entrepreneur when others didn't and spent his life talking about himself in interviews to try and convince others.

The film is poor, Malcolm talks Malcolm, Steve Jones obliges as he was the one who fell under Malcolm's spell at the time and whilst it has its characters, the McClaren dialogue is cringe worthy and convinced no one of his so called swindle.

The best thing about this is spot the famous face, the soundtrack isn't a Sex Pistols one for real and basically was trying to salvage what was left of the band.

Russ Meyer directed the original few scenes that never were, that would have been worth seeing, this really isn't. Watch the filth and The Fury , skip this.

Rise of the Footsoldier (2007)

Another exaggerated football firm story

[3/10 · 27 September 2023]

Your typical hooligan firm where they totally exaggerate themselves to something they really weren't.

Iike all these football firms they did their bit around the country but like Millwall etc they see themselves as something they simply weren't. I can remember this lot getting attacked in Stoke and asking the police for an escort back to the station. A crowd of 6 or 7 even ran to the police enclosure by the ground for safety. This film makes them out to beJohn Rambo and fealess. They were a bunch of blokes who went looking for a fight, often got one and ran from the police more often than not.

They're getting a bit dull now with all their stories to build themselves up. The acting is Hollyoaks standard and the story mainly fictional.

Just another of many.

The Sting (1973)

Perfection

[10/10 · 17 July 2023]

I would never consider giving a full a 9 or over but this is perfect.

The story, the twists, the music, the characters, it has it all

Robert Shaw is superb as the villanous Doyle Loneghan, the mark for two grifters playing the big con after the death of their partner

One of those films you could never get bored of from the main characters like Robert Redford as Johnny Hooker to the brilliant cameo characters of Kid Twist and Floyd .

Without doubt the best gangster film ever.made and for me, THE best film ever made. Everything about it works

One of those must see films before you die, invite friends round, crack open a bottle and enjoy it from the opening titles to the excellent conclusion.

Some Girls (2012–2014)

Some Girls can't act more like

[2/10 · 17 July 2023]

Imagine taking Derry Girls and The Inbetweeners and making a diverse version to appease...this is what you get. A mess of unfunny scenarios, characters who can't act and a s h) it com that would appeal to 11 year olds.

This is simply awful, a script that someone knocked up in their dinner hour delivered by actresses (loose term) who would struggle to get a part in a school play

As usual it's content over quality as you see way too much on TV at every opportunity and this a prime example. It's simply funny or entertaining in no sense at all, you actually feel sorry for the characters in it it's so appallingly bad. It will have an audience but once they react their 8th birthday it will wear thin on even them

Horrendous rubbish.

The Midwich Cuckoos (2022)

A typical modern take that fails

[3/10 · 27 June 2023]

The great book and excellent film is the latest to suffer from a modern adaptation to tick all boxes and ignore quality as a result

This really is hard to watch and the wooden acting and desperate attempts to modernise the tale take away from the story and leave you you yearning to watch the original adaption from the first few minutes.

A real shame as was so looking forward to this but the casting and attempts to bring it up to date don't work in any sense . It's like taking the Godfather and remaking it with the cast of. Hollyoaks and trying to throw in a few up to date swear words to suit a modern audience.

What was a great opportunity to remake such a great piece of work fails miserable, F bombs, a few grittier scenes don't make this any more watchable than poorly acted and adapted piece of TV that this is. Who, decades after watching the original will ever forget the children from the black and white film that still sticks with you after all these years? This you just want to forget as yet another cringe worthy attempt to do what TV does so badly today, mess with a classic and choose quantity over quality where it matters.

If you've not seen the original you may find this bearable, if not then don't expect too much. It really is one of the hardest watches and incredibly poorly cast. The children are sadly completely forgettable which was the cornerstone of the book and original version. Horrible effort.

Whoops Apocalypse (1982)

Still holds up ok

[7/10 · 4 June 2023]

Was a very funny show at the time, some great comedy actors pop up, Alexei Sayle also . Later of course the film with Rik Mayall stealing the show as the SAS leader , sadly Alexei Sayle even sneaked into that version as well.

The great Geoffrey Palmer amongst a fun cast with his deadpan face and delivery, definitely worth another look for its madcap way of dealing with what was a serious issue at the time. The Superman scenes always remained memorable as all these years later.

Plenty of anarchic style humour from the era and great satire , not all of it works but enough to make it a good watchable comedy even all these years later . Were some years to the film version which improved on this , some not so much but a good back to back watch again as both have some excellent moments.

Little Man (III) (2006)

The word atrocious doesn't do this justice

[1/10 · 24 April 2020]

Where do you start with this? Absolutely horrendous attempt at comedy, it may appeal to those who found Paul Blart, Mall Cop to be worth a good review or anything Eddie Murphy has spewed out in the last 2 decades to be amusing but this is as low as it gets. The original joke just isn't funny, like in so many US comedies, pulling daft faces and wearing geeky clothes will appeal to some but this to put it politely is pure garbage and only one place for it.

Keith Lemon: The Film (2012)

Why no zero rating feature?

[1/10 · 11 April 2020]

To be fair I find the whole Keith Lemon character about as funny as a tree and he certainly appeals to a certain kind of individual who somehow find him amusing. Had heard so much about this and how shockingly bad it was I felt I had to see for myself. What can you say? Cinema has hit a new low with this one, it's truly atrocious beyond words and doesn't deserve a 1 rating, it really is that bad. Had to smile at the 10 rating someone gave this, obviously a Barry Norman in the making there.

Chef! (1993–1996)

Truly awful

[1/10 · 2 October 2019]

Lenny Henry doing what he does best, shouting unfunny one liners in a s(h)it com that you wonder how ever got aired in the first place. A horrendous bunch of characters and a script that a 4 year old could have knocked up . How 3 seasons of this were ever aired I have no idea. Belongs in the 99p bargain bin...overpriced at that amount to be fair.

Papillon (I) (2017)

Why the remake?

[7/10 · 26 September 2019]

Truly great original film with two outstanding performances, why we need an updated version am not sure but not the worst effort. Lacks the characters of the original although although Papillon himself is a decent effort. Biggest problem with this is Rami Malek, weak performance in all the senses, yes he won a token Oscar which for me was the end of ever taking the Academy Awards seriously ever again as we know which route the films and portrayals are judged these days, let's be brutally honest. Malik simply can't act, he belongs in a C4 soap not in high profile films. The problem with remakes like this is you spend too much time comparing it to the original and it can't compete but as a stand alone film has moments.but you do find yourself losing interest at times.

The Krays (1990)

Done to death and not the best

[5/10 · 23 July 2019]

One of many Kray films/documentaries and this doesn't work for me. The Kemps are not great, Martin gives an ok performance to be fair but is more like a low budget TV drama . Tom Bell probably better known for 'Wish you were here' the stand out as Jack The Hat but the longer it goes on the lamer the performances seem. A story that has been done to death and doesn't get more interesting with age. Stick to Spandau Ballet lads and let the actors get on with it.

Once Upon a Time in London (2019)

Another bland British film

[5/10 · 6 July 2019]

Promised much and after reading reviews on here ( Some of which I doubt the credibility of) it turns out to be a disjointed piece of work from start to finish. Poor acting similar to the Kemps ironically in The Krays, you are never convinced of the performances in regards to the tough guy characters they attempt to portray. Terribly constructed piece of work, never runs smoothly and desperately lacking in regards to its American cousins of the genre. Horribly put together and some awful musical montage scenes which look more like a school play as far as continuity is concerned. Pretty horrible stuff.

Monty Python Live (Mostly) (2014)

Bit of a let down

[6/10 · 6 June 2019]

Too much on screen and musical fillers for me.I understand is hard to do costume changes and sets but would have felt a bit short changed if had bought tickets for this. Their classics are all here but just doesn't work like the Hollywood Bowl show. Dont get me wrong, has great moments which we all know but doesn't quite get going

Behind the Curve (2018)

it does make you concerned for these people

[5/10 · 1 June 2019]

What can you say about these people? Well, this documentary gives you an insight into people who really do seem to have issues, mis-fits looking to belong, attention seekers perhaps who are trying to convince themselves it seems of what is an absolutely nonsensical theory.

The documentary begins with the theory that if the Earth was curved then the Seattle skyline wouldn't be visible...a theory an elementary kid can explain by the distance in the curve of the Earth. From the first 5 minutes you are shaking your head, our American friends do love to join these bizarre groups to belong and be different you hope but personally you think gullible has to be a more accurate theory.

There seems to be a trait in all the people in the documentary, talkative, argumentative and slightly unstable who would believe that a mouse was a supreme being if you wrote a book saying so and held a conversation telling them so.

Basically we have a bloke living with his Mum wanting to have some sort of attention to make himself something he isn't and there will always be gullible people in all walks of life. He uses 5 number plates as an example of a growing movement, wow they really are taking over.

The gal with the Smiths records on the wall reminds you of a comedy character and her comments are concerning that anyone could be so nonsensical, never mind funny. Is worrying that people like that exist in society.

If this was a spoof it would be funny, David Brent style, sad thing is you actual worry about their mind set although personally just see them as ludicrous wannabes and crave attention they obviously never had.

Prove us wrong and sail to the end of the Earth, maybe with a bit of luck you'll fall off

Tina & Bobby (2017)

Bottom of the league stuff

[3/10 · 23 May 2019]

This is awful from start to finish. The acting is as wooden as a Giant Redwood and the football scenes as poor as you'll ever see. The full time sequence at Wembley shows the England players in pristine shirts and shorts after 90 minutes, same with Bobby when he visits the hospital still in his spotless West Ham shirt Whoever cast this needs a good hard look at themselves. Seen more acting ability in a school nativity

True Lies (1994)

Good fun action film

[9/10 · 26 February 2019]

Arnie plays a spy who keeps his occupation a secret from his wife who finds him ironically dull as a result. His wife played the excellent Jamie Lee Curtis seeks a bit of excitement of her own which leads to a tangle of identities and leads to a good action packed and fun movie. Good entertainment from start to finish with good characters, cheesy dialogue and fun for all. James Bond meets Indiana Jones meets Lethal Weapon. Arguably the best action movie of it's time.

ReMastered: The Two Killings of Sam Cooke (2019 TV Movie)

Turns predictable

[5/10 · 18 February 2019]

What starts off as a promising insight into Sam Cooke's career quickly turns into a conspiracy theory with little proof or objective points of view. Sam Cooke was a popular black entertainer and did at times raise social issues in his music but wasn't the object of government groups in the way that say Malcolm X was perceived due to his hate speeches regarding integration. This documentary is one sided and way too tipped in favour of a murder by those who knew him and never deals with Cooke's womanising and love of prostitutes that he was so known for. True he mixed in dangerous circles at times re equality but his temper was renowned when it came to woman which proved to be his downfall. No balanced evidence from the interviews is at any time shown in this film and opinion is simply biased and at no time factual. Is simply friends of Sam Cooke glamourising him and not dealing with the fact that his death was simply a prostitute too far or an attempted assault . A poor conspiracy theory of a documentary

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)

You'll struggle to find a poorer film....

[2/10 · 11 February 2019]

I read that this topped the US box office and thought it must be worth a look.....it is so bad it's difficult to find words to describe this atrocity of a so called comedy. The laughs...well there isn't any to be fair and the story is so predictable and stupid you do wonder about people's mentality who would give this a positive review.. US audiences do seem to find humour in this kind of nonsense and Nutty Professor kind of films so I should have seen the signs. The fact this had a sequel is even more baffling than people enjoying this lump of rubbish. If there are 5 comedies worse than this then I have yet to see them thankfully- unfunny and abysmal .

Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)

Is so bad is almost comedic

[1/10 · 11 February 2019]

From the opening few minutes this has the feel of one of those awful , made for TV music biopics that you feel compelled to watch purely for the fun of it. Rami Malek desperately tries to mimic Freddie Mercury in the way that a awful stand up comic does and is about as convincing as Elton John playing a US Marine. The dialogue and conversational scenes are so poorly scripted and predictable with the usual themes and you feel almost embarrassed for those on screen. Queen fans will no doubt love it but they....well they like Queen so enough said. Shocker