fritzlang Reviews

Hunter Killer (2018)

it sunk to new depths

[2/10 · 28 October 2018]

Now leaving a theater near you is the poor attempt to remake Hunt for Red October. The problem is that it is directed from the man who gave us Spud and Spud 2. No, I don't remember hearing anything about those films either.

There is not an ounce of suspense or action in this film. Everything is cliche. The acting, script, photography and direction are all mediocre. Watchable, but nothing else.

Sam Fuller said that if you don't engage the audience in the first fifteen minutes, then you will lose them. Ten minutes into the film I wanted to leave the theater. And I got to see it for free.

The plot is convoluted and takes almost a full hour to fully explain itself. At that point, all hope was lost to find a coherently directed film.

I can't find anything to recommend. I give this a 2 - generously.

Watch at your own risk.

Venom (2018)

fun action comedy film!

[7/10 · 28 October 2018]

I was pleasantly surprised to find Venom a different kind of film than I was expecting. The movie was surprisingly action packed and VERY funny! The creature was a joy to watch, and the SFX were top notch.

I won't spoil the movie, because I found the plot different and interesting....You can read about it via other reviews. No sense in rehashing them here.

Note: I was not that familiar with the comic origins, so I can't comment on how true to the source material it was. All I know is that I had a good time.

Not a great movie, but a very enjoyable one.

A solid 7.

The Predator (2018)

great sci-fi-horror-action-comedy!

[8/10 · 16 September 2018]

Just got back from the theater. I had a BLAST! It was non-stop fun from the opening scene to the end. I won't spoil anything, because the fun is in following the twists and turns of the plot. Warning - there is a LOT of humor in this film. It can almost be called a comedy-action-sci-fi-horror film, so if you don't like to laugh along with your Predator you may not like it. For me? I loved the humor and thought it worked 90+% of the time. There is a LOT that happens in the movie.... I think it needs a second viewing to catch everything (including all the one-liners that fly by fast!). Not sure why others don't like this - unless they were put off by the humor. Yes, there are leaps of logic. Yes, you will see a female scientist automatically become an a1-shooter/kick-butt action star. Just take it all in stride and enjoy the show. The predator was awesome - one of the best, and I think this movie was far better than 2 and 3 combined.

8/10....

It (I) (2017)

I turned it off after an hour

[3/10 · 6 July 2018]

I love horror films and am actually pretty easily scared by them, so imagine my surprise at falling asleep with this film.

While there is atmosphere, I didn't find anything scary - maybe mildly creepy. That's it.

There really wasn't much going on the first hour, and I really struggled to keep awake. Soon afterwards I asked myself "why am I watching this when there are so many better movies to watch?" (something that I rarely, if ever, have asked myself) so I turned it off.

If other people find this scary, then that's great. I found Pennywise more interesting than scary, and the film just had a bunch of cheap 'boo' shots and CGI monsters.

Maybe something happens during the 2nd half? That's a long boring build-up, if that is the case.

meh.

3/10....

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

great popcorn flick!

[8/10 · 24 June 2018]

This movie had a lot going for it.

Creature effects: Fantastic Action pieces: Incredible Suspense: Intense, sometimes almost like horror Acting : top notch Plot: weak, with enough holes to drive a truck through

And there you have it. If you are able to turn your brain off and not focus on the plot, then you are in for a BLAST! if you are looking for a plot to understand, follow and make sense of, then you will be sorely disappointed.

For me, I was able to shut my brain off and enjoy the ride. The creatures were some of the best SFX I have scene in a long time - and I have seen my share of creature-features. Action was great....

I was never bored... and always entertained - as long as I didn't think too hard.

A solid 8 out of 10. Shame the plot wasn't better.. It could've been a 9 or even a 10....

In any case, I will be getting this on blu-ray and look forward to the next installment.

Definitely meant to be seen on the big screen!

Tag (I) (2018)

surprisingly funny!

[8/10 · 14 June 2018]

I went into this with low expectations. Honestly, an entire film about adults playing the game of tag?

I was pleasantly surprised how funny this film was! I haven't laughed this hard in a LONG time! It is a fast paced comedy that wears its R rating proudly - it is rude, crude and funny!!

This film is all about excellent acting, great direction and wonderful editing. The plot is paper thin but I was never bored..

Don't let the plot dissuade you from seeing this. I actually laughed so hard I missed a lot of the jokes! will probably buy this on bluray so I can catch up with what I missed.

Enjoy. 8/10

Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018)

wanted to walk out

[3/10 · 29 May 2018]

This is not a good film. Forget about whether or not this is a good Star Wars film, and if it adds anything to the franchise - it doesn't. But on its own it simply fails on all fronts.

The jokes fall flat. The pacing is all over the place- it is all wall-to-wall action with high intensity musical score for 2 hours - no sense of rhythm. After 10 minutes I was exhausted and wanted to leave. In many ways it reminded me of a Transformer movie - and that is not a compliment.

I take that back - Michael Bay is more restrained than this director.

And who decided to give this franchise to Ron Howard? What has he done in the last THREE DECADES that has been any good? This is a man who takes no chances and gives us pedestrian boring films. No surprise, then, that he gave us another one.

There is no real villain in this film, either. How can you have a sci-fi film for over 2 hours without any villains?

And what was up with the literally 12 second cameo with Warwick Davis? What was that about?

The guy who played Hans was okay - nothing to get excited about.. But he didn't have good material to work with, either.

This is a film that didn't need to be made, but it could have been at least watchable in the hands of a capable director.

I usually buy any Star Wars movie (I even plan on getting the Last Jedi). But I won't be buying this one.

ugh.

3 out of 10 - generously because the last 15 minutes weren't bad.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017)

fifth element on steroids

[9/10 · 26 August 2017]

I LOVED this film! it is the spiritual sequel to the Fifth Element - only much much larger in scope.

There is a LOT of plot in this film - it is not just a 'CGI-fest.' It is sci-fi/fantasy at its best, with hundreds of characters and a truly imaginative set of worlds.

I don't want to give the plot away - it was too much fun figuring it out, so I will address the major complaints that people have about this film.

1) the casting of the leads. They were fine, imho. I took the male as a kind of young Keanu Reeves and that worked for me. the real problem, as many have observed, is that there was no chemistry between them. Despite some mild sexual banter, they might as well have been brother and sister. In fact, that is how I took them and the movie worked better for me because of that. They struck me as a kind of Bill and Ted's Most Excellent Sci-fi Adventure couple.. At least that worked for me. But yeah, definitely no chemistry.

2) Rhianna was excellent! That dance routine was phenomenal and will stay with me. Not sure what all the hate is about.

3) The plot was complex but not confusing to me..I enjoyed it and its many messages about colonization, genocide and peace and unity among different species.

4) The length did feel a little long because Besson tried to fit in so much into this film. It could easily been a two parter, or even a trilogy.

I am not familiar with the source material so I can't comment on that, other to say that I had a GREAT time and thought there were scenes of brilliance, vision, heart and humor.

It is my opinion that this film will eventually find an audience in home video and will become a cult phenomenon. Which is a shame because it is really meant to be seen on the largest screen possible.

It IS quirky. So was the fifth element. Luc Besson is not for everybody so I get why this film didn't resonate with some people. I like Besson's work and look forward to seeing this film again.

9 out of 10.

Annabelle: Creation (2017)

lots of fun

[8/10 · 20 July 2017]

just got back from an advance screening! Had a blast!

A group of girls go to an orphanage where the evil doll is locked up. pretty soon bad things start to happen. That is the plot in a nutshell.

The film is essentially a bunch of jump scares, but there are a lot of them and the film never takes itself seriously for one second. It knows its job is have fun with a devil doll and that mood really help sells the jump scares.

The plot makes no sense.. the big reveal is that the doll is possessed by an evil spirit? really? who would have known!

In many ways it reminded me of F13 part I with 8 year olds instead of teenagers. The younger girls really steal the show - they were great.

The film had a strange drive-in movie vibe. Hard to pinpoint it, but I felt like I was in a drive-in watching the movie. Weird.

The key to enjoying this film is to watching it with a packed house. There was almost a 'rocky-horror show' response to some scenes "don't open that door!!" that REALLY added to the enjoyment.

Nothing was REALLY scary, though. More fun, than scares. People clapped and laughed because we were really enjoying the film's jump scares...Can't remember the last time I felt that. We all clapped at the end - not many films I can make that claim for.

That said, anyone expecting a REALLY scary movie, 3 dimensional characters, re-inventing the genre, etc. will be sorely disappointed.

This is a haunted house movie that is fun seen with a crowd.

I can't imagine seeing this alone at home. I plan on getting this on blu-ray so I will see!

For now, based on my experience, I am giving this a 7... for fun factor!

Alien: Covenant (2017)

Very very good. Explains a lot!

[8/10 · 23 May 2017]

I don't get the negativity surrounding this film. I saw it opening day (so no info on what was going to happen) and loved it!

First, the cinematography was excellent. Ridley really has an eye for the visual flair.

The acting was very good, with a near-academy performance by Fassbinder. There were some great action scenes and some great scares.

I won't spoil anything, but the special effects with Fassbinder were truly astonishing.

I was captivated throughout the movie, and jumped out of my seat a few times. The new version of the xenomorph was cool/creepy/beautiful at the same time.

This film is a wonderful wedge between Prometheus and the first Alien film. It explains a lot (who really created the alien creature and why was it created) and had some really great moments in the film.

Most of the negative comments I have read deal with the lack of depth to the human characters. Really? This is in essence a monster film that tries to deal with some heavy topics. The human element is definitely secondary. The film is all about Fassbinder and the creatures. Watch the 1st Alien film and besides Ripley, and maybe Dallas, were the other characters all that deep?

I can't wait to see it again on blu-ray.

If you liked Prometheus, then you will like this better. If you hated Prometheus, then I don't know.. To me, it accomplished what it set out to do - tell some more backstory of the Alien and set-up the next film - which I am anxiously awaiting...

8 out of 10...and from what I have heard, some scenes on the cutting floor might even have made this higher.

Ignore the nay-sayers...Go an enjoy. The less you know going into the film the better.

Kong: Skull Island (2017)

great creature feature!

[8/10 · 12 March 2017]

Boy did I enjoy this film.

forget plot and logic. This is an all out creature feature...It is called Skull Island because that's where the action takes place with all the neat creatures.

There is a LOT of screen time devoted to Kong and the monsters. And LOTS of cool death scenes. Pretty gory, in my opinion, and surprised this got a pg-13. Some scenes would be very frightening for little ones.

Most surprisingly, it is the the acting of John Goodman and J.C. Riley that stands out - even overshadowing tom Hiddleston. I am not a big fan of Goodman or Riley, so this really surprised me.

For the plot - people go to Skull Island. They encounter Kong and various giant monsters. Mayhem and death ensues. Some return home. The end.

Doesn't sound like much but the monster scenes really made the movie, and Kong was fantastic. They really had him move - he was almost like a giant Hulk smashing those airplanes!

Oh, and PLEASE stay after the credits. What was shown put a BIG smile on my face... No spoilers.. you have to see it for yourself.

My wife and I had a blast. The first 20 minutes were regrettably lame, but the rest of the movie was a hoot.

8 out of 10 for fun factor.

Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016)

minor horror masterpiece!

[8/10 · 30 October 2016]

Man, was this movie good! I wont' go into the plot (to avoid spoilers) other than to say it has to do with an Ouija board and possession. In another director's hands this could have been a cheap Exorcist ripoff, but instead it was an intelligent, sometimes moving, high quality horror film.

I loved the family drama/dynamics - the characters really seemed fleshed out to me. The film dealt with death and loss in a very smart and warm way. There were times I was even misty eyed.

There is some dark humor in the film which had me laughing out loud.

And the scares? I literally jumped out of my seat four times! And there were a lot of scenes that sent shivers down me.

While the story isn't all that original, the execution is. The acting is top-notch for everyone, and Lulu Wilson (who plays the 9 year old) should get an academy award. Seriously, she earned it!!!

I had a BLAST!!! Really enjoyed myself.. 8 out of 10..

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

a grim masterpiece!

[9/10 · 2 April 2016]

This film was incredible! I found it to be a many layered, complex film that was influenced more by Ingmar Bergman than Michael Bay. The film deals with a lot - it is essentially three films woven together - Batman Vs Superman; Doomsday; Dawn of the Justice League

The movie is done from an European-art house perspective. The flow is not linear, some of the film is more poetic than cinematic, etc.

I was mesmerized by this film, and am convinced I will enjoy it more when I see it again.

Affleck was great. He is now my favorite Batman!

Snyder also managed to summarize the first Batman (keaton), 3rd (Kilmer) and 5th (Batman Begins) in about 10 minutes. Quite a feat.

Jesse Eseinberg didn't bother me as much as I thought he would. I just accepted he was more the Joker than a traditional Lex Luther.

In fact, I think I enjoyed the film because I just accepted that none of the major characters (Batman, Superman, Luther) were like their comic counterpart. This is a reimagining of those characters. I liked what Synder did - but I can understand why it angered some comic book fans.

I also understand why some people hate this film. As I said, it is not a traditional super hero film by any means. Definitely not kid/family friendly (leave the little ones at home), and I can see it getting an R rating with just a few more killings and violence.

The plot not flowing linearly also may disturb some. It is not until 1 hour into the movie that the 1st hour really makes sense. Snyder has woven a complex tale that does take a while to connect all the dots.

It is also VERY grim. There are only 2 attempts at humor- that's it. This is a VERY serious film. Nothing like a Marvel film at all.

If you are going in to see a big budget superhero action film, you may be disappointed. If you can suspend any preconceived notions of what the film and characters should be, then you may be in for a very pleasant - though intense - ride.

I liked Doomsday.. the CGI didn't bother me, though I admit it could have been better.

Wonder woman was incredible and really added to the cast.

The introduction of the members of the Justice League was also unorthodox.

The movie starts out right at the end of Man Of Steel. In fact, they could have called in "Man of Steel 2 - Dawn of Justice" and that might have been better. There is no recap of MOS - it is assumed you know/remember what had happened, otherwise the entire opening scene makes no sense.

The film also expects you to know these characters already.

I did - except some of the members of the Justice League - which intrigued me.

As I said, I loved the film and think it is a masterpiece. Perhaps Snyder's best work. But I fully understand why others will dislike or even hate it.

It is a VERY unusual film, and I applaud WB for allowing such a film to be made. They could have gone the easy route but didn't.

It will be very interesting to see how the DC universe unfolds.

Personally I hope Snyder does the other ones. Others may disagree.

9/10...

The Martian (2015)

very impressive!

[9/10 · 29 September 2015]

just got back from an advance screening. Wasn't quite prepared for the ride. I am not a fan of Matt Damon's work on film, but found him very effective as the lost astronaut on Mars who has to survive. I was never bored, frequently on the edge of my seat, and the dialogue was extremely witty. Once the credits rolled and I saw the name "drew goddard" , all the dark and twisted comedic aspects of the film made sense. (Goddard did "the cabin the woods.") This is a real crowd pleaser, with everyone rooting for Matt to come home. Most of us actually clapped at the end of the film. How many movies make you want to do that?

The 3D is VERY effective.. I would recommend seeing it in 3d.

9 out of 10. One of Ridley Scott's best efforts.

Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)

disappointing, though enjoyable, mess

[6/10 · 3 May 2015]

Meh. That is my initial reaction from just seeing this film. Wasn't the worst movie I have seen, but definitely not one of the better ones. And this is from someone who LOVES superhero movies and Marvel comics. It is hard to explain just what is wrong with this film, but it just seemed "off". The acting didn't see sincere, as if everybody was just phoning it in. The jokes seemed flat. The action scenes were confusing, exhausting and ultimately boring. The villain was weak. Too many subplots. The romantic plot seemed to come from nowhere. In short, the very things that worked so well in the first film worked so poorly in this film. Also, they seemed to ignore Iron Man 3? There was no true end credit gag either. There was a semi-post credit scene (shortly after a few credits) but it was not surprising and even that felt like "been there. done that."

I have heard the Wheadon had to cut 30 minutes of the movie to keep it to its existing already long 2.5 hour version. Perhaps that extended cut on Blu-ray might yield a very different experience.

This version just left me tired and disappointed.

I would wait until this is on Blu-ray. No real reason to see it in a theater. There were no crowd-pleasing scenes.

6/10.

Furious 7 (2015)

What a Blast!

[9/10 · 4 April 2015]

Wow! When was the last time a film actually lived up to its hype? I cannot believe how much I enjoyed myself at the movies! This film was a TRIP!

Yes, it is an illogical leave-your-brains-at-the-door movie with every law of physics thrown out, but if you can accept this, it is like a fantastic roller coaster ride.

I said leave your brains, but not your heart. There is a lot of emotion to this movie - and not just because of Walker's death.

The stunts will go down in history as THE definition of "over the top."

One of the thing that surprised me is that this franchise if probably one of the (if not THE) most consistent with its story line and character development. With the sole exception of Harry Potter, I am not aware of any long standing franchise that has the exact same people playing the exact same roles with a story line that actually depends on the prior movies. Just remember that #3 is really the back story before the very end of #6. So the order is 1, 2, 4, 5,6,3, 7. If you have seen these films, the you understand.

There is no recap here. If you have not seen at least 3-6, then some of this would be "what are they talking about?" Han's story was throughout 3-6, Lettie's story started in 1 but really took off in 4 and 6, Sean only appeared in 3, etc.

Regarding how they handled Paul Walker: just incredible. I was LOOKING for Cgi, body doubles, twin brothers, and - maybe because I was so caught up in the movie - I never noticed it. The way they ended the film was really nice. It could have been exploitative, but instead it was sweet.

My only complaint (which is why I am giving it a 9 instead of a 10) is that - like #6 - it just goes on 20 minutes too long. Just one more insane over the top action scene than was needed. Minor quibble.

My hat goes off to James Wan, who really surprised me. I have seen practically everything that man has done, and it has all been in moody horror films (after the 1st Saw film, he dropped the gore and torture - thankfully - from his subsequent films). Never would have expected him to direct an action film so well.

Definitely on my wish list for the blu-ray version.

If you like 1-6 (or even 4-6), then you will love this.

If you have never seen any of these films, I would recommend seeing 4-6, then 3.

If you don't like any of the others, then you won't like this.

This franchise -for fans like me - actually seems to be getting better and better.

How many #7's are rated one of the best of the series?

I am ready for #8!!!

Jupiter Ascending (2015)

The Phantom Menace meets Plan 9 from outer space

[1/10 · 27 March 2015]

There are very few films I have wanted to walk out on. After 15 minutes of watching this travesty I wanted to bolt out the door. I only stayed because I was with the family and we were going to make a night of this - dinner and a movie.

There were so many times I had to grit my teeth from bursting out laughing.

There are not enough words in the English language to describe how awful this film was to me.

The plot was beyond absurd. Imagine the first 5 minutes of Dune expanded to 2+ hours of nonsensical mumble-jumbo.

The action scenes were some of the most non-engaging boring action scenes of any movie I have ever seen.

The dialog was so bad it was comical.

The villain was hysterical.

** Major spoilers (as if it matters with this film!) ***

I can't really discuss what the film was about because none of it made any sense. Something about the reincarnation of a princess from an alien planet who inhabitants really created the Earth and humans in order to gain energy from them but the deed to the planet fell into the legacy of a 14,000 year old mother who bequeathed it to her future daughter who was attacked by aliens when she was trying to donate her eggs to raise money for her cousins invention so he could...

ah, forget it.

***********

It is now official.

The Wachowski's should not be allowed near a movie set, a camera or anything related to cinema.

Here is hoping this is the last time they unleash another film like this on the planet.

This movie was never released.

It escaped.

1 out of 10.. Generously

and remember, Ladies.

'Tis better to scrub a toilet than to be a princess.

(I'm serious.. that seems to be the message of this film!)

ugh.

Neighbors (I) (2014)

ugh! unfunny vulgar film

[2/10 · 8 May 2014]

Short review: It was barely worth the money I paid to see it - and I saw it for free!

Long review: The movie is essentially two of the most immature and irresponsible parents on this planet who live next door to a dozen of the most immature and irresponsible college frat boys. They each try to force the other to move out of their respective houses. Humorous hijinks were supposed to ensue. They did not. Unless you find the following things inherently funny:

1) the "F" bomb 2) Hearing jokes about male genitalia 3) Seeing male genitalia 4) Toilet humor 5) Seeing an infant playing with a condom

If you are already busting a gut reading the above list, then you will enjoy the film. Otherwise I can't recommend it.

There is no plot, no characters.

Most of it seemed like 90 minutes of improv with the direction being "be as vulgar as you can be, use every profanity you can think of, every dirty joke you have ever heard of. Now go!"

Seriously.

I am probably making the film seem more fun than it was.

If the parents were educated, respectable, intelligent and upright people, then contrasting them with the frat boys might have given way to some legitimate humor. By having the parents be just as stupid and immature as the fraternity, there was no contrast. Everyone was stupid, childish, and vulgar. How this movie avoided an NC-17 rating is beyond me.

I think my friend, who went with me to see it for free, summed up the experience the best. "well, the price was right."

A part of me hopes this film bombs. If too many people actually find this infantile and vulgar film really funny, then it may erode my faith in humanity.

I am giving it a generous 2 out of 10 because I did smile once or twice.

Oculus (2013)

Please see this film!

[8/10 · 11 April 2014]

This is a classic ghost story.

I won't spoil anything, but for a haunted mirror movie, I found it VERY effective.

There are only really 6 people in the film. The parents, and the children at 2 different ages. The film is not really linear, and it took me a while to get the flow of the constant changing from today and yesterday. Once I got it, I found it very clever.

What impressed me the most, however, is that there is hardly any blood, no nudity, no profanity, no sex, no gore and it scared the crap out of me!

No, it doesn't reinvent the genre (can you even really do that with the haunted mirror genre?), but it is a well crafted, well acted movie that really kept my interest all the way through.

The young girl was especially effective.

The film starts off slow and methodical and really hits its stride about the half way mark.

We need more films like this. Smart, clever "little" films - a few characters, a few props and lots of chills and thrills.

Please see this!

8/10

Furious 6 (2013)

Incredible! Thoroughly enjoyable!

[9/10 · 21 May 2013]

I still can't believe I am giving a 9.0 to a film that is #6 in a brainless action franchise!

I am not aware of any other franchise (except maybe, strangely enough, f13) where #6 is the best of the series. Normally the energy, creativity are gone by then.

Not this time.

I simply cannot believe how much I enjoyed every single minute of this film!

There was even a decent plot!! (hey, for a film that is basically made up of fast cars, explosions and fight scenes, that says a lot!)

However, I won't go into the plot - because there are some REAL twists in it, and it is better to go in with a fresh mind.

It does help if you have seen the prior 5, but no sweat if you haven't.

What really pleasantly surprised me was how funny this film was!! I would say about 1/2 the film was gut splitting comedy. It is rare that most jokes work in a film. Usually some fall flat. Not in this one! every single joke worked. I laughed so hard that I know I missed some!

This is really meant to be seen on the big screen with a large crowd. I can't remember the last time so many people laughed, went 'WHOA!" and "yeah" even clapping during a film!

The film starts off with a bang and ends with a post-ending that will make you grin from ear to ear.

The film deals with criminals who are obsessed with fast cars and like to create mayhem with their cars.

Wall to wall action, comedy with just the right amount of drama and love interest.

This could be "the" measurement for the brainless-feel-good-summer- action film.

The only reason I am not giving this a 10.0 is because 1) it was a little long.. the final scene was almost a movie in itself (but it was a hoot!), and 2) in general I don't think any film is perfect. In some scenes (thankfully only a few) there were too many close ups that made it a little hard to follow the action. But I am really nitpicking here, folks.

If you like action, fast cars, explosions, comedy....

run, don't walk to see F&F 6.

(and this from a guy who has the Seventh Seal and Alexander Nevsky in his DVD collection)

Evil Dead (2013)

101 things that didn't work for me..

[3/10 · 1 April 2013]

I could literally blog every day for at least 3 months on the things that irritated me about this film.

I will recap just some of my thoughts .

******* Possible spoiler comments below ************

1) The first 30 minutes played like a LifeTime story about drug addiction.

2) the last 60 minutes felt like Saw meets Hostel by way of Martyrs. Just non-stop gore.

3) There was not one second where I was scared.

4) there was no sense of dread.

5) Even though the film was supposedly about demonic possession, I never for one minute really believed it.

6) The so-called hero was one of the most irritating characters I have ever seen. I could not wait for him to die.

7) The characters were - at best - 2 dimensional. Bland.

8) There was no emotional impact. I could care less what happened to anyone.

9) The Demonic POV (the Raimi-cam from the original) seemed here more like a POV of a jogger in the woods.

10) The acting ranged from mediocre to down right laughable

11) The plot holes were so thick that you could drive a mack truck through it

12) The film should win the award "most consistently stupid things done on screen". Even for the horror slasher, the actions of the characters went beyond stupid. My eyes actually hurt from rolling so much.

13) The big-oh-so-scary demon that everybody was afraid of was the single wimpiest evil presence I have ever seen. Think the wimpy devil from Exorcist: Prequel kind of wimp.

14) The makeup was not scary

15) The music was so ineffective that I am not even sure there was a soundtrack.

16) after 60 minutes (30 minutes of non-stop gore) I felt numb. at 70 minutes I started thinking about grocery shopping.

Etc. etc. As I said, I could go on and on about what didn't work for me.

The good? this film has two- and only two good things that I can say - the SFX was very impressive. Not scary, but impressive. And if you like gore, then this is the film for you! Not just buckets of blood, not gallons, - whole truckloads (no joke).

This was a thoroughly typical teenage slasher/torture porn film. No plot, no logic, no acting, no scares, no music- nothing but blood and gore.

Yes, it was competently made. If that, and tons of gore is enough for you, then you will definitely enjoy it!

After about an hour, the woman next to me said "so this is essentially about 5 really stupid people killing each other. With lots of blood. That's it?" I said "yup. that's it"

Did anybody cover their face in the movie? Sure!! When you someone pulling a needle out of the eye you will wince. That is not horror. that is not scare.. that is just 'gross out' moments.

I talked to some people coming out of the theater. NOT ONE PERSON TOLD ME THEY WERE SCARED DURING THE FILM!

Isn't that what a horror film supposed to do?

Have we really just substituted frights and emotional scares with SFX, blood and gore and think its the same thing?

Its been a long time since I have seen the original I definitely intend on doing so.. it has got to be better than this.

As a remake it was better than most Platinum Dune projects - but that isn't saying much.

As a film by itself, it is passable entertainment for gore hounds.

Oh - if you must see this film, then please stay for the post-credit sequence. It was the only thing that put a smile on my face.

I really wished I liked this film.. But I cannot recommend it based on my experience.

May yours be different than mine.

3 out of 10. Generously.

Bullet to the Head (2012)

derivative 80's b-movie mayhem

[5/10 · 3 February 2013]

This movie literally could have been made in the 80's.

It has the look, feel and music of an 80's action film.

It has no real plot.

Worst of all there are no likable characters at all in this film.

Stallone's character is horrible - he is a hit man without a conscious, a father who does not care about his daughter, and has no moral code other than kill anybody that pisses him off.

His partner is one of the weakest characters in any film I have seen. Woody Allen is more macho than this guy, and is a cop who buddies up with Stallone!

The nudity literally epitomizes gratuitousness, as does the violence.

That being said, I thought Stallone actually was good in this film- he just didn't have a lot to go on.

The film did have some high points - Stallone did get to say some funny one liners, one of the bad guys (there were actually THREE in this film!) was pretty good, and the last fight scene was ALMOST worth sitting through the rest of the film.. Almost..

There just wasn't anything really to this film. No plot. no characters. Nothing that made a lot of sense. Unlikable characters. Weak co-stars.

I kept on thinking "why was this film made?"

I really can't believe my wife and I paid $20 to see this.

For a $1.50 redbox rental, it would be a very weak recommendation.

To pay top money to see this in a theater?

My opinion - see something else.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Fun B-movie!

[7/10 · 3 February 2013]

this is one of those cases where the trailer really did the film justice. It captured the look, feel, action and mood of the film.

This seemed a mixture of the good parts of Van Helsing and Sam Raimi's Army of Darkness - mixing horror, comedy and action.

The plot isn't all that much, but honestly - who goes to see these films for plot!

I got to see this in 3D and IMAX - the 3D was VERY effective. It wasn't always 'in your face' but I felt in many scenes it added the enjoyment.

There wasn't too much opportunity for boredom - too much was going on.

Essentially its 2 witch hunters , uh,, hunting down witches! they eventually meet up with the head evil witch and chaos, death, gore and fun ensues.

If you like the trailer, then you will have fun at the movies!

It sets itself up for a sequel at the end, and I think I would see it.

7/10

Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)

creepy nightmare

[7/10 · 26 October 2012]

First, I am not a gamer. I haven't played a video game in probably 30 years. So I do not know the Silent Hill video franchise. I did see (and enjoy) the first movie - but that was long ago.

I also saw the movie in 3D - which I thought was done VERY well and definitely influenced this review.

This movie is essentially a 90 minute nightmare.

There IS a plot, and there is too much exposition (but it did make sense to me)..

The plot in it simplest form is 4 words;

"they want her back."

That pretty much sums up the plot.

But honestly, who goes to these movies for a plot?

I went to have good creepy time immersed in a 3d nightmare.

And that is exactly what I got.

I think this is one of the cases where the trailer is truth in advertising.

Yeah, they showed some of the best parts, but those parts WERE in the movie.

In the effort to keep this spoiler free, let's just say that the heroine keeps going in and out of reality and the nightmare world of Silent Hill, until she actually goes there.

Some of the scenes -especially the early ones - reminded me of the nightmare sequences of a Nightmare on Elm Street movie (especially when she went into what looked like a boiler room!)

There is a lot of gore, frightening images, and genuine creepy atmosphere. There were a couple of times where I screamed and jumped out of my seat, but mainly it was just great to watch the incredible visuals - that were made even more beautiful in 3D.

The biggest complaint I have is that there was one scene where the heroine is simply walking around and not much happens.. This seemed to go on for 10 minutes...besides that one scene, I wasn't bored.

Yet, something wasn't quite right with the movie. Too much talk, and while there was a creepy atmosphere the film wasn't really scary.

Ironically, the scariest scene for me was the nurses - which I understand was the one scene that most people hated! go figure.

It was a diverting 90 minutes. I am glad I saw it, and definitely would recommend the 3D. but it definitely left a lot to be desired. Something tells me the director can do something better..

If you want to spend 90 minutes of creepy fun, then I don't think you will be disappointed. If you are looking for something more, then you may not enjoy it.

7/10

Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

dumb fun!!

[7/10 · 21 September 2012]

This movie was fun.

Yeah, it was dumb.. stupid.. a lot of it didn't make any sense.

Honestly, does anybody go to see a Resident Evil film for logic? to gain insights into the meaning of life?

I hope not!

This is a Resident Evil film, a sequel, directed by Paul W.S. Anderson.

That means.

1) Visually beautiful. Personally, I think Paul W.S. Anderson has an incredible eye of cinematography. His films have scenes that are truly breathtakingly beautiful to me.

2) Great action!

3) Great over-the-top-defying-gravity-n-logic stunts!

4) Great creatures and special effects!

5) Mila Jovovich in skin tight leather kicking butt!

6) Great use of 3D! I personally find Paul's films have some of the best use of this technology.

7) A thin veneer of a plot, just enough to string together the action scenes.

8) Minimal character depth - just enough to keep you from hating the actors.

9) Plot holes that you can drive a mack truck through, and logic that will make your head hurt - if you spend any time really thinking about it.

Looking at this list, do you think 'Cool! I want to see it!" or do you focus on #7 through 9 and go "ugh, another dumb big action film."

I believe how you answer that question will decide whether or not you will like the film.

Me? I loved it. Saw it in 3D IMAX, which I really think helped.

7/10 for sheer entertainment value.