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kevinjwoods
Reviews
Gokudô kyôfu dai-gekijô: Gozu (2003)
mad, bad, or just dangerous to watch.
Fans of the truly weird ending will be sucking diesel at the one in this movie, I mean (spoilers approaching) death by ladle, followed by we put the chick in the tab and she was ok(thank you the illiterate who did the subtitles), and quite possibly the strangest sex scene there ever was, not to mention a character called Mr Nose and someone reading their lines off cue cards which are visible to the main character or the talking vagina, or the zombie transvestite waiter. At least Hollywood won't even attempt to consider remaking this in fact most of hollywood will walk out at the yakuza death dog, which was quite frankly hilarious. Watch this at the cinema now because you don't want to explain this to your significant other when it comes out on DVD.
Ju-on (2002)
Ooh look spooky people....aarrgghhhh
Fantastically plotless and seemingly designed just to scare you this is the sort of thing that proves why Japan is better at horror than anywhere else (this week). How can anyone not like a movie where the entire plot goes empty house, spooky people, please don't kill me, aaaarrrrrggggghhhh I,m dead. And then repeats it five or six times. Love the fact that the lead villain is sometimes shown as a very scary shadow and some eyes and sometimes as a ghost. No rubber monsters yay. A movie you have to watch even if it's only to annoy all your friends with "the original was better" when the remake comes out.
The Last Samurai (2003)
A meaningful silence in search of a movie.
Spoilers so included. Deep inside this 2 1/2 hour movie there is an hour long classic struggling to get out. This movie is boring beyond belief, it stops every five minutes or so for someone to look around them or sit thinking sometimes for so long that it practically qualifies as a silent movie. And the plot, what plot, man feels bad about killing people, goes to japan, gets arse kicked, is taught to feel good about getting arse kicked, best friend dies, marries woman who's husband he killed. The end. One of those movies that is specifically designed for people who hardly ever watch movies, or Oscar voters. And why on earth does the female lead spend the entire movie hating tom cruise only to fall head over heels for the final scene, couldn't think of an ending perhaps. Come back George Lucas all is forgiven.
The Ladykillers (2004)
All this and a fart joke too.
I should first point out that at no point have I wanted to suck off the original version and while (under Par 12biii of the EU Entertainment Review Act 2004) this makes it illegal to comment on it I won't tell if you won't.
I enjoyed this movie it was fun had good dialogue, great actors, loved the dead dog at the beginning and the general was cooler than you should be with a hitler moustache.
All in all a rare treat among all the comedies out this year aimed at braindead pre teens, and something you can actually watch without feeling embarrassed about not having any kids to watch it with.
Go see it immediately because it might not be there next week and you will regret it.
Jersey Girl (2004)
she's a jersey girl in her jersey world
Firstly this is closer to Chasing Amy than another Mallrats that we all feared it would be. From it's opening routine of little kids telling stories about their parents (love the religious parents joke)it sets out where it is heading, somewhere interesting where we all want to be. And now the bit that includes Spoilers.
Why oh why does this never happen to me when I buy porn I mean come on Mr Smith exactly how realistic is that first date, thats just a wild fantasy everybody has rather than a realistic option. How on earth did he get Will Smith to appear in it? And what exactly was the plot? Ah who cares just laugh and enjoy Ben Affleck admitting to having a small winkie.
That said this is a really fantastic picture that everybody must go and see now. But don't take the kids unless you really want to have a conversation with them.
Troy (2004)
Homers ill my lad
First of all who decided that every scene with "epic" qualities in this movie should feature a whining singer going oooh ooooh all the time, and why were'nt they shot. This spoiled every single great moment in this movie, and led me to cover my ears frequently. Brad Pitt is great expertly conveying Achilles boredom with the endless battles he is forced to fight, because there is nothing else he can do. His first fight should surely go down as one of the great fights of the year second only to his fight with Hector. Peter O'Toole is a cert for an oscar nomination, especially considering most people assumed he was dead. Oh and for all those reviewers the Thousand Ships Helen launched, those were the ones the Greeks sent over to get her back. The only major flaw in this movie is the fact that Agammemnon only becomes a villain in the last half hour leading at points to the viewer not knowing who to root for in the battles.
Van Helsing (2004)
THe best indiana jones movie yet?
Anybody expecting a horror movie (as many critics apparently were) is going to find themselves seriously disappointed in this movie. Anyone wanting a cool summer blockbuster with jokes, action, and women in sexy clothing will on the other hand love this movie. At last the first great blockbuster of the year has arrived. Great moments, Frankensteins monster as an action hero, Carl, Mr Hydes Wolverine moment, Carl, the Crossbow, Kate Beckinsales tight trousers. In short it is everything we need from a summer movie. And more this shows that it is possible to do a movie that includes Dracula that people will pay money to see.
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)
Call guinness, wworst movie ever
I liked the TV show, I liked the first movie, I,d sell my soul for CA:FT never to have existed. It makes a guano farm look like a nice place to stay, it makes you yearn for the spanish inquiition to come round and ask about what you said last week, it makes a great reason for strangling at birth, it is, in short, tripleungood. what,s wrong with it, let's see the angels act like they have superpowers, entire scenes appear to be missing, half the movie appears to be from a different movie. Lets take some examples shall we, Why is lucy lui's dad john cleese apart from he was available?, when it clearly sets up that robert patrick is the villain in disguise and not the real spy they rescued (someone would have checked him out and confirmed his ribs were broken on the flight back) do they the angels automatically realise the whole plot?, why does Bosley know how to activate the screen without knowing the screen exists? I could go on forever but I,ll spare you. if you have any hope of enjoying an action movie ever again avoid like the rancid piece of drek this movie secretly aspires to be.
The Bourne Identity (2002)
How did this get made?
Given movies like die another day and xxx its refrshing to see something like this getting made. A simple action story with great actors this is my favourite surprise hit of the year, the only quibble is that Matt Damon looks ten years younger than his supposed fellow agents but that is minor, dithering about seeing this dont go see it and enjoy a retro spy movie that, thankfully, isnt a parody.
Oh and Famke Potente is sexy as hell.
Insomnia (2002)
Most overhyped movie of the year
After trailers extolling the prizes awarded to the actors and declaring it the movie of the year the last thing i was expecting was an average movie. I also wasnt expecting Robin Williams to be so bad, misreading his character so completely and at times obviously reading from an autocue, harsh yes but true. This movie provided no tension with stuff happening constantly just when they needed to happen to move the plot forward. An obvious ending appeared tacked on for some action only. Avoid if you dont want to fall asleep.
Eight Legged Freaks (2002)
arachnophobe not afraid of these guys
I am an arachnophobe but hey it was raining so what the hell, this movie deserves a 12 certificate because it completely fails to provide any scares or any nasty monsters or anything that would make a monster movie fan want to do anything other than watch Them again, generic characters, a few good jokes and an indiana jones reference aside this is probably a contender for most overrated movie of the year. I recommend it highly for all the above reasons ,if you like this sort of thing, aimed squarely at the tremors audience this succeeds through good acting (been a fan of Kari Wurher since sliders) and not taking itself seriously, loved the everyone get ready joke, worth an hour and half of anyones time. Go now because it wont be the same on video.