Caesaria Reviews

Fubar (2002)

best movie EVER

[15 July 2002]

I was sold with the tagline: GIVER. These guys are so genuinely into their lives that you can't help but admire them, even though they are like, the quintessential lowlifes, complete with illegitimate children and sordid tales of fingerbanging cousins (eww..). Either way, they are having the best time with what they have, and it's great fun to watch, even though it's all fake. I have never been in a theatre with a movie playing that brought down the house. It was awesome. I can shotgun better than Farrell (although that doesn't seem very hard to do). His cake was priceless. 10/10

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Becomes the perfect movie after the fifth viewing, at least to me

[10/10 · 29 June 2002]

The first time I watched this movie I was all of 13 or so, so it was difficult to appreciate. Now, over time, it is a perfectly crafted entity, each scene a masterpiece. Everyone knows when to arrive, what to say, how to squirm, and when to leave. Flawless. Quentin Tarantino is a genius, but Samuel L. Jackson is The Man, for now and forever.

Ocean's Eleven (2001)

I don't like what this represents

[14 June 2002]

This is a typical follow up movie for a director who finds success with famous actors in truly ambitious films (of course I can't think of an example at the time). It's a good theatre movie, but watching it at home - look! famous people! Look lesser, younger famous people playing themselves!- it just seems to enjoy the flashy clothes, exotic situations and surplus of 20 million or slightly less costly actors more than I did watching it. And the whole no sex in a big movie, just-a- complicated-past arc is too dull for me. I hate to see it, but this is typical boring movie crap. It's not bad, it's just that Steven Soderberg seems content to rest on his laurels - I suppose this is because backers will note the critical success of "Traffic", note his track record with Julia Roberts and the financial success of this and shower him with diamonds and whatnot - congrats boy-o, you're a professional now! The weird thing is is that I never had a problem with anyone's success (ie Anthony Hopkins) until I saw this. It's just that he sold out so viciously. I mean, Julia Roberts as a muse? Please.

The Fountainhead (1949)

Stiff and contrived nonsense - this coming from an objectivist, so you know it's harsh

[10 June 2002]

This is a bad movie. We watched it in philosophy class, and it was the stereotypical boxed nonsense that lots of people assume all old movies are like. Gary Cooper's "High Noon" wisdom was oddly out of place. When I film my version (which won't suck), I'll cast Christopher Walken as Gail Wynand, and either Natalie Portman as Dominique or (this would be so great) Nicole Kidman as Dominique and Tom Cruise as Peter Keating. Wouldn't that be the best publicity? For Roark, I don't know...

Ghost World (2001)

I have just a few more things to say....

[8 May 2002]

I caught my typos, and I work at one of those gay-ass 50's style diners, so that's also why I liked this movie. It's close to my heart, ironically or not. And I've been on the bus a lot. Also, doesn't everyone have a prettier friend (or a killjoy other half?) to make things better or worse?

Naked Tango (1990)

Tragic love story is as nonsensical as they get but Vincent's hot, so what of it?

[5 May 2002]

Vincent D'Onofrio is beyond gorgeous in this pretentious little ditty. It's a gorgeous film, very "foreign" and decadent and moody, but what of sense? It's silly - I get it, the tango is sensuous. Yeah, I got that. Wow, she's naked and he's cruel and hot. Wow, he's good in bed and it took a lot to get him to do it. He's not a whore, but she was forced to be! Tell me, isn't this film reminiscent of a "Kids in the Hall" episode with Francessca Foray (a Scott Thompson character, "International B - Movie Star") and everyone was speaking in movie metaphors? Yeah, it is. It's overwrought but I enjoyed this movie. Dumb yes, but it was fun and glorious to look at, from the bondage - bed scenes to Vincent all lean and dressed to the nines. Good Lord that man 's a typhoon of hottness (how's that phrase for you?)

Dracula: Pages from a Virgin's Diary (2002)

Old Tale Transfused By New Presentation

[6 March 2002]

Dracula, the almost quaint legendary evil - but irrestible - villain - is granted yet another resurrection in this filmed adaptation of the Royal Winnipeg Ballet's production. Directed for the stage by Mark Godden and for celluliod by Guy Maddin, it is seemingly an homage to the previous Dracula films, yet it brings many fresh and exciting dimensions to an immortal character.

Obviously enough, it is a ballet. Dracula's elegance suits this, and the dreamlike way in which everyone cavorts about gives the film a decadence that many other films tried to muisture, but instead got camp. Often Dracula has been played for sympathy, to the point where other characters are mere shadows of men. The novel's sense of fascinated dread in regards to Dracula is respected here; he's not Gary Oldman's tortured, tragic hero in "Bram Stoker's Dracula", or Frank Langella's smooth operator in the 1979 adaptation. Abraham Van Helsing is given a bit more to go with - he's not Laurence Olivier's ham or Rod Steiger's nazi ("Modern Vampires), but he's far from the virtuous hero Bram Stoker had written him as (Stoker gave him his first name). Also, Dracula (like during Christopher Lee's reign) is rarely seen, but his presence is always felt.

Much applause should be given to Zhang Wei-Qiang - he is dynamic as the eponymous figure. When I saw the stage version of this, he was not in attendance. It was a shame. He is elegant, commanding, graceful, gorgeous - and cold. He's perfect. Also, the fact that he is Asian in a society of pale Victorians enhances the theme of the dread of the unknown; what you don't know - in the world or yourself - can hurt you. (Fittingly, the Dracula I saw on stage (Jesus Corrales) was Latin.)

The rest of the credits should go to the design of this film - silent, with a rousing score, colourless except for blood and money, and shrouded in darkness and smoke. Each character is introduced in print (I lke Van Helsing's: M.D.D, Phtt, etc...), and Harker's explanations of Dracula's evils are amusing in an old-school way. It's a regular jump-cutting, baby-eating mass orgy! Some familiar elements, along with the a-level dancers, make this an impressive new chapter in the vampire genre. I can't say enough about Zhang Wei Qiang, though - he's primo, in so many ways. How many men do you know who can charm, seduce, frighten and intimidate - in tights?

Legally Blonde (2001)

Endorphines!

[26 February 2002]

This movie was awesome - it's been a long time since a good movie tried to make you all smiley and stuff when it was all over. What's not to like? Reese Witherspoon is a luminous delight, the clothes are fun to watch, the cynics can enjoy Elle's initial discomfort at Harvard (and the blonde isn't having any fun is a simplistic but effective message to just be nice), and the dog, although a seemingly cheap prop, really is cute. This movie is a lot more clever than most "heavy" fare out there, and it actually made me want to start working on my university stuff. Go Elle!

The Ten Commandments (1956)

Makes you feel kind of like a blasphemous b**tard

[9/10 · 24 February 2002]

Meaning that, while I am supposed to cheer on Moses, I just couldn't. When Ramses is played by Yul Brynner - officially the sexiest man in the history of the universe - how can you not be for the Egyptians? And Anne Baxter's Nefreteri, while amusingly bitter, really should have seen the light of a different kind. Yul Brynner - perfection at its most aware (survived by The Rock) vs Charlton Heston - pompous blowhard. Oh, who to choose? Every scene Yul is in is just exquisite - he's cruel and amusing and just drop dead gorgeous. I'm really, really into that royal blue clour on him, and that black mourning robe that showed off his upper body (and what an upper body). I know I should get a life, but all this needed to be said. Fans of Yul Brynner, unite!

Phantom Brother (1988)

Smugly self-conscious: then why is it so bad?

[19 February 2002]

There are so many things wrong with this movie that it's hard to know where to start. Here are the basics: it looks terrible, like it's filmed on a home camera, and it's not "The Blair Witch Project", the plot is stupid, the lead is ugly, it doesn't make any sense, and, worst of all, I spent two dollars on it. That is so not cool. Also, it's not funny and I could have been doing something constructive with my time, like diddling on the computer. Oh Father Time, will you ever forgive me for my indiscretion? Movies like this make for bad karma. Very bad karma.

Enter the Devil (1974)

Nasty stuff

[17 February 2002]

I bought this film because it was during a liquidation sale and I obviously wasn't thinking, well, at all. So it's not anything like "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" - it's "The Exorcist" meets some low rent soft core porn. Not being depraved, I was bored by the chick hitting on her father, masturbating to excess and screaming orgasmically all the while. And I'm sorry, the blasphemous (and overdone) plot point of a tempted priest really doesn't do anything for me. Stupid, crappy garbage - and in the credits it called itself "The Tormented" - the marketers couldn't even finish the film to alter it in the end. One of the worst films I've ever seen.

The Pit and the Pendulum (1991)

Lance is amazing, but that chick was annoying

[9/10 · 4 February 2002]

This is Lance Henriksen's best performance to date, and he's done some amazing work (but some horrible movies, but what of it?). He's hypnotically possessed as the Grand Inquisitor Tourquemada (sp?) who falls for the "beautiful, virginal, ...innocent..., etc" helpless women who is only trying to help her husband. She really is nothing more than a pretty cipher willing to undress onscreen, but it gives Lance a chance to show off his tortured, sexual side. It's quite a doozy, his performance, and he should get the recognition he deserves. One aside: Lance looks good bald, doesn't he?

I, Madman (1989)

Horrible, Absolutely

[14 January 2002]

This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, and being a film geek, I have seek more than my share. As the heroine, Jenny Wright has made her mark in that legion of slow-moving (and thinking) ingenues whose careers seem emulate their idiocy. Hurry up, read the damn book already! And the jackal boy? I can see suspending my disbelief for a good movie, but that was just pathetic. The attempts at a stylized retro fantasy world/parallel literary universe just didn't work. One scene did resonate with me, however (POSSIBLE SPOILER): when that red headed chick was getting scalped and she gurgled and her eyes fluttered as he was methodically slicing her scalp off - that was nasty. Like, it creeped me out. I am glad to say that sickening gore doesn't impress me, so this movie is on my list as the worst film EVER. And, it led me in under false pretenses ("I, Madman" is making allusions to "I, Claudius", and baby, this is NOTHING like "I, Claudius".)

The Mummy Returns (2001)

not good, even with The Rock and Vosloo

[11 December 2001]

Okay, I love Egyptian themed movies and The Rock and Arnold Vosloo more than most people, and even I didn't like this movie. Everything was wasted - as mentioned before, not nearly enough of The Rock (in so many ways), and what was up with making Arnold Vosloo a coward in the end? I was not impressed. He's supposed to be a tragic hero, etc, bad but only because he's so p***ed off at being cursed forever and mad with love for that chick of his. He deserves a lot more than that. (He is gorgeous, though - isn't he? I love that arm band of his, and his bald head and little loincloth and....)I usually like John Hannah, but he's a cheap slapstick stick in this franchise. He's only entertaining when he's allowed to think. Rachel Weissz does well, as does Brendan Fraser, but I care for them much less than I should - I want to see my boys! The special effects were not great. It could have been a really grandeous spectacle, with lots of sexual tension, repressed emotions, gore and the like, but it's not. It's crap. Whoever spawned all this nonsense forgot that Egypt was a crazy whacked out soap opera, and y'all have got to be depraved to enjoy it! So why has it been sanitized? Like everyone else, I'm looking forward to The Scorpion King, but it better be R-rated, featuring The Rock's ass and at least a margin of a script.

P.S. I just have to say this - The Rock is the sex machine to end all sex machines!!!!! The most beautiful face with a bod to match!

The Phantom of the Opera (1989)

An acquired (and delicious)taste for the savvy palate.

[25 November 2001]

This is, so far, my favourite adaptation of "The Phantom of the Opera" ("Phantom of the Paradise notwithstanding - that's my favourite movie ever). This one has a few of POTP characteristics - each Phantom's final scene, and the Faustian overtones. But I actually admire this one because of the style they injected into it. For starters, it looks gorgeous. The lighting is decadent, the colours are lush, and the cinematography is fierce and direct - they want you to see exactly what you do. "From Hell" borrowed the rotting-aristocrat vibe that Robert Englund has when he's pacing the streets. He's an odd one, too. Frightening, but with a creeping sexuality to him that is equal parts desire, repulsion, and apprehension - he sold his soul to the devil, he's evil, but brilliant, etc. A now typical antihero, but brilliantly done. In a time of ultraviolence seeming quaint, he's a vibrant presence of everything that the Phantom always was, even if Leroux wasn't aware of it. I'll defend this one for now - shades of Freddy, yes, but it's so much more. And they can't top this one if Andrew Lloyd Weber's filmed version of it will star Michael Crawford or Antonio Banderas - it's Colm Wilkinson or Paul Stanley (he wasn't as good a singer as CW, but SEX MACHINE!!) or bust. And for the next non-musical version of it, how about Christopher Walken or Lance Henriksen? Yes, that sounds lovely.

I, Claudius (1976)

A Fantastic Achievement

[10/10 · 24 November 2001]

"I, Claudius" is one of the best things to watch, ever. It's awe-inspiring, from its wealth of information (is Robert Graves one person or a research and communications department?) to its superb acting and gorgeous sets (I just wish that it was taped on film so it would have that fancy look to it). Sian Phillip's Livia is a beyond-Machiavellian force to be reckoned with, really one of the best performances I've ever seen. Brian Blessed's Augustus is comic relief, but one that carries a big stick even though his wife is paving the way. And Derek Jacobi as Claudius is all false idiocy, which looks harder to pull off than what everyone is doing today- that simmering "mystique" which is as empty and false as the way everyone perceived Claudius to be. He's got a thick vein of cleverness pumping just below his magnificently thick exterior. But my favourite- one of my favourite characters in all of film, is Sejanus. This is one sexy beast. He's a corrupt Roman who wears a uniform, and have you heard his voice? Makes my teenage hormones go all in a tizzy. I had no idea a guy from Star Trek could be so sexy, but now I don't know, I might have to start watching those old shows just to see what I've been missing. (If you read this, Patrick Stewart, you are a SEX MACHINE!!!!!!) Bald or in uniform (either series) he is delicious. AND, MAGENTA is in this (Livilla, Sejanus's squeeze, the lucky bitch). If this and "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" is all she did, that is enough to make me jealous. And the sets are what I am modelling my house after, and my wedding dress is going to be a toga, and my parties are going to be bigass Roman orgies with at least a few Sejanuses and a couple of Drususes and the odd Herrod Agrippa (but no beard), and lots of Caligulas- they'd be a riot. And the moral lesson I have learned from "I, Claudius" is that we all know a few mini emperors - I know a Caligula, a wannabe Livia, some hardcore Messalinas (we call them hoochies around here), and I'm not sure if I am a Claudius or Tiberius, but I'll be happy either way so long that I find a Sejanus. Or Patrick Stewart. (Once again, all together: SEX MACHINE!!!)

Hard Target (1993)

Some good looking men amongst lots of fighting: what's not to love?

[19 November 2001]

Although I gag at the sight of Jean-Straight-to-Video, I loved this movie. Lance Henriksen was a delightfully evil one, and wasn't he elegant? Mr. Piano Player looked like he'd be fun to tango with. And, although it took me until "The Mummy" to appreciate his charms, Arnold Vosloo looked like quite the stud too. It's a great, violent movie, but it would had been better without Van Damme. Much, much better. I'm still not complaining.

Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

A primo movie if you love great ones

[19 November 2001]

This is my favourite movie of all time. I cried at the end, I don't care if the entire thing was false. POSSIBLE SPOILER: Watch "The Phantom of the Opera" with Robert Englund: Finley's death crawl at the end of "Paradise" was mimicked in the other when Englund had his face torn off (nice). At times stepped in pop culture, at others just a rollicking good time, it had that acquired taste that you either love or hate, like olives. I love olives.