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mules82
Reviews
Pearl Harbor (2001)
Affleck, you are great
Not since Boiler Room has Ben Affleck put in a comedic performance like the one in Pearl Harbor. The absurd accent, the obscene facial expressions, the "I'll attempt to survive the attack by moving to the next target" approach; Affleck is wonderful. I truly cannot wait until his movies with J-Lo are released, I will be amongst the first in line to see the new breed of American comedy. On to the feature...
Pearl Harbor is, well we all know what it is truly about, though the film is more about a bunch of Japanease guys, who while rocking these sweet headbands like they are extras in Karate Kid, attempt to kill Cuba Gooding Jr, which is an admirable goal. Obviously they can't get to Cuba because he is a cook looking for respect. Why they made Cuba a cook when he wanted to join the Navy and fight I have no idea. I thought one of the beefs with our militia is that we put black dudes on the front line and used them as cannon fodder, I guess back in 1941 we attempted to protect them from any potential danger by making valuable commodities like Cuba Gooding jr. cooks. What were his credentials for becoming a cook? Did he have any training? They don't just make any old guy the cook, especially one who in theory could fight, if he wasn't such a huge wus. Once again, where was star of Wild and Crazy Kids, Omar Gooding? He is clearly the more talented of the Goodings, whie we are at it we might as well replace Affleck with Donnie Jeffcoat and Hartnett with Annett Chavez. I think that would have added a nice twist to the movie. Anyway, I watched the battle scene, which had some impressive effects paired with delightful homor by Gooding and Affleck. I also saw this part where Cuba boxes some guy and then goes to the hospital complaining how he's just a cook. If only they had a cameo by Fuzzy Zoeller complaining to Cuba Gooding while on line at the mess hall about the constant serving of fried chicken and cornbread, that would have been the perfect compliment to Affleck's brilliance. All in all I'd say don't see this movie, cause it sucks. However, if you have an utterly useless life or a few hours to spare, perhaps while you are on copious amounts of morphine, I'd throw it on for a good laugh or two.
Phone Booth (2002)
a great ride...
spoilers..SPOLIERS... I think Katie Holmes is in this movie, though I have only seen the trailer. However, in seeing the trailer I pretty much gathered all the information I need to review this movie. The film is about a young man who for some reason doesn't have a cell phone, or possibly his own apartment/house with a home phone, thus he answers random phones around the city. I assume that he assumes that every call is for him since he doesn't have his own phone. It turns out that Keefer Sutherland is on the other end of the phone and didn't, in fact, want to speak with Will Farrell, who plays the lead, (note that Will Farrell also has had sex with Britney Spears). Sutherland wanted to speak with Katie Holmes who couldn't get to the phone on time because she was busy with James Vanderbeek and Pacey. When Holmes, (sister of Preist Holmes?), gets to the phone she sees Farrell and recognizes him as the guy who bonked B-Spears, she goes crazy cause Dawson starts whining like a little homo so she shoots this fat lady in the back of the head. When Farrell sees this he gets upset cause he likes fat chicks, then some idiot cop, possibly Carl Winslow, assumes that Farrell shot the fat broad when it was obviously Holmes cause she's holding a gun bragging about she just offed the fat sloot. Anyway, the movie goes on for a while while farrell calls some phone sex lines and whacks off in front of everyone. Everyone gets disgusted, except Spears, and then the movie ends while Tony Danza beats Christopher Lowell to death.
The Karate Kid (1984)
I'd be a perfect fit for Cobra kai
SPOILERS....I bought the DVD and saw this movie again for the first time in years. I remembered siding with Daniel as a youngster, but upon further review I find myself siding with Cobra Kai for the extermination of this little punk who is supposedly from Newark, as if he wouldn't get his ass kicked there too. That's another thing I didn't get, he moves from Newark, where supposedly he was bad-ass, to a ritzy high school in CA and now he starts getting into fights? I don't think there is a person on the planet, except for people with down syndrome and Foley, who couldn't beat up LaRusso. Anyway, here's why I hate Larusso and think he's a punk who deserved to get his ass kicked every second of that movie.
1) first time larusso meets Johnny Lawrence, (brilliantly played by Wiliam Zabka), Larusso is hitting on JL's ex, who by the way isn't his type. Larusso needs some trampy jersey girl cause he's too much of a wuss to hook up with anyone else. Anyway, JL just wants to chat with his old woman and larusso butTs his pathetic ass in and starts looking for trouble, obviously JL beats the crap out of him.
2) Larusso is trying out for the soccer team, which in the mold of She's All That is the big sport at the school (note that schools like this are completely queer), anyway Bobby slide tackles Larusso, legally might I add, and Larusso goes crazy tackling Bobby to the ground, he then drills him in the face. Bobby laughs because getting punched by Larusso would be like getting into a pillow fight with a small Pakistani baby. Then the coach kicks Larusso out of tryouts, it's usually not a good idea to start a fight during them, especially when you're a wuss.
3) Lawrence and the crew are finished with larusso, as far as they're concerned he doesn't exist. However, Larusso is still looking for trouble. At the halloween party at the school JL is minding his own business smoking a J in one of the stalls and Larusso decides it would be a great idea to douse him with a hose. Obviously the Cobra Kai crew chase him for a while and beat the crap out of him, which he easily deserved. JL even had the line "you couldn't leave well enough alone could you Larusso...", JL was ready to ignore Larusso but he had to keep pushing them. Who does that? Who starts fights with 6 guys who could all kick your ass? That would be like me walking into the NY Giants locker room and kicking Shockey in the balls, just a stupid idea regardless of the security breach.
Thus, Larusso is a wuss who deserved everything he had before he started training with Miagi. Although my ending of this movie would have had the fat guy from Cobra Kai winning the All Valley under 18 tourney, he was a real darkhorse. Also notice how everyone at Cobra Kai was a black belt except for the fat kid and the black kid (lamar from Nerds), makes you think if Sensai was some sort of Nazi, I posit he was.
Thir13en Ghosts (2001)
poor
SPOILERS....I saw this movie on HBO during timeouts of the sweet 16 and even though I probably only actually viewed a combined half hour, I think it's safe to say that I know as much about the film as its director, writer and actors. Despite your Oscar winning cast, Shannon Elisabeth and Matt Lillard, (where was Prinze?), the movie pretty much sucked. The dad was the taxi driver from Wings and Shannon Elisabeth played one daughter, knockers were looking HUGE, some random Mexican kid played his son. At one point he hears voices calling his name in basement and he goes down to check it out. Always smart in a horror movie, he probably misheard and thought they were offering him booze or a ride on a landscaping truck. Anyway, I think Lillard dies by getting clubbed to death by a ghost. I don't know why the ghosts were so intent on killing everyone. If I was a ghost I'd just hang out all day, maybe play some basketball, watch some tv or sneak into women's locker rooms; killing people would be really far down on my list of things to do as a ghost. These ghosts also had the power to touch living people, which was impressive cause it took Swayze forever to learn how to do that in that movie with Demi Moore, (either Point Break or Roadhouse I don't remember which). If I could touch people I'd walk around all day urinating off overpasses and punching Robin Williams in the junk. Anyway, back to the movie, the Mexican kid rides his scooter around until all the ghosts get bored and leave the house. There are some other people in the movie too but I don't remember what happens to them, I assume they either die or just get bored and leave.
Titanic (1997)
good god...
Warning!!!! Spoilers!!!! To an extent, though this movie sucks so I'm doing you a favor.
Titanic puts the 'retard' in 'retarded.' Easily one of the top 5 worst movies of all time. Anyone who cried at the end of this film should immediately try and start beef with LW, better known as twin glocks. Tasting the cold steel through your medula would be a much better option than continuing with your pathetic existence. This movie was not funny at all, the lead female was morbidly obese and the hero was the homeless vagrant from Growing Pains, I assume Alan Thicke was too busy hosting episodes of Pictionary to be available for the movie. Anyway, how this trite piece of garbage made money is beyond me. The whole movie was pointless so I'll just cut to the end, the only remotely funny part. The kid from Growing Pains is freezing his nuts off in the water while his fat beast girlfriend is floating on some wooden raft all warm and comfy. There is easily enough room for the two of them, however, she refuses to let him on. I bet that kid never saw this coming when he was living in that Janitor's closet on Growing Pains before the Seavers took him in. Anyway, the Growing Pains guy eventually dies, however, instead of floating on the surface like all the other corpses in the water, the Growing Pains hobo for some reason sinks to the bottom. While all this is happening the fat girl is crying, I don't know why. She clearly could have saved him by just moving over a few inches and sharing a bit of the raft. Perhaps she just misplaced her twinkies. Anyway she struggles to blow some whistle then some British guy saves her, the end, this movie was atrocious.
Stepmom (1998)
A totally radical movie...
OK, I admit I have never actually seen this movie start to finish, although I think I may have seen parts of it. Regardless, I am a film critic and I believe it to be my duty to review a film, whether I've actually seen the film or not should not stand in the way, besides I pretty much know what this movie is about anyway. Stepmom is a gripping hard core pron starring Susan Sarandon and Jeff Daniels. My favorite part was clearly when B-actor Jim Foley got mugged by a crew consisting of Vin Diesel, Seth Green and Barry Pepper. If you have seen Stepmom and do not agree with my review, go to hell. I haven't seen this movie but feel like reviewing it anyway. I'm sure it sucks, though it might be funny if there is a good gay bash scene or something of that nature.
Bloodsport (1988)
truly fantastic...
I first saw this movie in fifth grade at this Canadian kid's house. We were in his TV room and he told me of Bloodsport. Being an obese 10 year old I was more interested in eating cupcakes, however, I decided to give Bloodsport a try, and to this day I am glad I did. Bloodsport stars Ogre from 'Revenge of the Nerds' as he tries to win some underground fighting tournament against a bunch of Asians, Jean Claude Van Damme and some mystery French/German kickboxer. Ogre loses to Chun Li, but it's all good, Van Damme gets his revenge in the end. The true mark of this movie comes in its soundtrack. There is a purely brilliant song that repeats "cummate', cummate'..." over and over again, this is followed by some cheesy 80's lyrics. This song brings me to tears every time I hear it, much like "rubber,plastic, metal glass" off of the Karate Kid soundtrack.
Bloodsport also marks the first movie of Forest Whitaker's career. Note that this coincided with Lou Whitaker's baseball career, coincidence? Perhaps. Anyway, Whitaker is partnered with a gay old man who run around Thailand like a couple of d-bags trying to bring Van Damme back to the States, despite him clearly not being an American. Anyway, perhaps they mistake all 4'11" men with gay accents for US army officers.
My call is to see this film, and see it now. If you don't you should not continue your life.
Blade (1998)
Haim and feldman are wonderful.
Blade is another vampire movie starring such great American actors as Corey, in both the Haim and Feldman variety, Keefer Sutherland and Alex Winters. Haim plays the brother of this guy who likes to hang out with Keefer Sutherland. Sutherland is in a gang of outlaws with Lou Diamond Phillips and Christian Slater. They are also vampires. Anyway, the brother of Haim never knows what is going on, but Haim does. Haim teams up with Feldman and Joe Pesci as they try to take down the vampire army led by Sutherland and Stephen Dorff. There is one great scene where they are all playing volleyball in a pool and Ben Stiller spikes the ball and it hits this girl in the nose and she starts bleeding. Robert DeNiro gets mad, then he says that he doesn't like ice cream or cookies. In Blade, Chris Rock, who plays the lead vampire, can go out during the day unlike most vampires who die upon exposure to sunlight. Rock holds a big umbrella that blocks out the sun, he also wears spf 35 which is a very strong sunblock. He is also black so he doesn't burn easily. I really liked this movie. There is this one scene where Haim's brother thinks he is eating Chinease food, then he looks down and it's worms, but the whole time it's really just lo mein. Also, there is this scene with Tony Danza and he yells up the stairs for Samantha and jonathan to come down, then he beats up jonathan and vampires come and they eat everyone. That scene was cool.
Overall, I'd say this movie was a 8/10. A lot of scenes made no sense at all and seemed like they were just cutups of different movies spliced into one non-sensical one. But I still liked it a lot.
Cool Runnings (1993)
a cinematic triumph
I had anticipated the release of Cool Runnings for years leading up to its arrival. After all, here was the 100% true story of Doug E. Doug and John Candy going for Olympic gold in the bobsled. I must admit, I didn't know previous to seeing the movie that Candy was an expert on bobsleding, although I can easily see why his severe obesity would allow him to be good at sitting on a sled and traveling down an ice covered path at an incredible speed. Candy should have just had Doug E. Doug hang out with him for a year and put him on the same diet. Plus, you got to figure with all the pot Mr. Doug was smoking he would have the munchies constantly.
Now, Cool Runnings had all the makings of the greatest movie of all time. It had an Oscar winning cast, Jack Nicholson, DeNio, Pacino, Helen Hunt, Vin Diesel etc., it had beautiful settings and costume design, a great musical score with such hits as "here is something you can't believe, Jamaica, we have a bobsled team..." and a great director in someone who I don't know. Actually, I really don't remember much of this movie. I know I saw it though, maybe even two or three times. I also remember that Freshman year in college Siegel refused to study for an Econ exam because Fox was showing Cool Runnings. Why Fox was showing this, I have no idea. Perhaps as a joke?
Anyway, I highly recommend that everyone see 'Cool Runnings' if you haven't already done so. It is one of the last times one can see John Candy. Well, unless of course you want to dig up his grave. But, that's kind of gross, plus I assume he's all decomposed, and he is much funnier as a fat guy. Actually, while you're at it, rent 'Who's harry Crumb.' That movie is awesome. Altieri also really likes it, and he looks like a female American Indian.
Hey Dude (1989)
One of the greatest shows of all time.
I stumbled across this while looking at the bio of Ben Stiller's wife. My roomate claimed that she was Marsha Brady, I said she played Mel in 'Hey Dude', turns out we were both right. Anyway, when checking out Hey Dude further I was shocked to see that many of the fine actors had 'Hey Dude' as their only acting experience, ever. Danny, that America Indian genius was so brilliant on camera that I thought he for sure would have millons of offers on the table. Perhaps SAG killed him fearing that he is such a great actor all future films and theatrics in general would be outlawed for fear of never being able to live up to the skills of Danny. I hear Mr. Ernst was murdered by his son Buddy. Brad is selling her body for $4 on some street corner in downtown Pittsburgh. Obviously, Ted is now a huge star and has overcome the 'Hey Dude' curse, clearly where the Seinfeld curse originated from.
American Outlaws (2001)
Joey Gladstone has a huge package
American Outlaws, also known as Varsity Blues 2: Tweeder the Cowboy, was one of the finest cinematic productions this writer has ever had the pleasure of viewing. Seriously though, the script of this movie rivaled Summer Catch in itâs accidental comedy. First of all, I believe it was supposed to be about a young Jesse James, however, the movie would have been better had it been about a young Jesse Weiss, or perhaps a Young Jesse Cotsopolous, (John Stamosâ character in Full House). The acting was comical, the script, although intended to be serious I believe, was comical, Ali Larter never got naked. The movie was similar to a 2 hour episode of Duke of Hazard although without Boss Hog and the other strongly developed characters. Now I saw this movie at Spencerâs house and when we were at the video store Al picked it up and said, âthis movie has to be good.â I, of course agreed. I mean, it has all the ingredients of a great film, great American actors like Tweeder and Ali Larter, and a suspect plot, what more could one hope for. After a while trying to get Spencerâs fly projection TV to work, (his dad who is half warlock had to step in and give Spencer the 411), we had found that this movie was nothing more than some 20 something running around in Leviâs shooting cap guns at each other. It was the kind of movie that when it was finished you were like âoh, I guess itâs over, oh well.â Not a complete waste of time by any means, as the movie was entertaining enough that it went by fast, but I gained nothing out of it. Well, that is actually untrue, I did learn countless facts about American history. For example, did you know that in the time of this filmâs setting, date non-specified, all you had to do to rob a bank was walk in demand the money without exhibiting any force, and then walk out. All in all I cannot recommend this movie unless your life is an utter waste of time like Spencerâs.
Stay Tuned (1992)
One of Ritter's finest
***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** Stay Tuned follows in footsteps of the many successful John Ritter productions. Ritter, possibly the best American actor of this century, plays the all too common television addicted American. Ritter spends more time playing with the remote than knockinâ?T boots with his wife, thus as is common now a days, Ritter is kidnapped by Satan and his personage is transformed into the television set. Satan is an overly incompetent fool, and for the life of him cannot seem to kill off Ritter. Ritter ends up going from channel to channel, adventure to adventure, in this gripping coming of age tale. The major catch for Ritter is that the TV, accidentally, also captures his wife. Ritter ends up falling in love with his wife again as he realizes just how fly his honey is. However, Ritter could not have succeeded on his own. He had help from his nerdy closet homosexual son and his slut-to-be daughter, the names of which I have either forgotten or never known. In the end Ritter is able to destroy Satan and save the lives, of not only himself and his wife, but of countless others who have yet to be captured by Satan. The movie does not surprise me all that much, for I have always known that if someone was going to take down Satan it would obviously be John Ritter
K-PAX (2001)
great job Samir
I think the most notable thing about this movie was the fact that Samir from office Space played a neurologist of some kind. I was amazed at Samir's knowledge of the human brain and it's tendencies, especialy among mental patients. Samir must have gone to Med school after getting fired from Innotech. This just makes me wonder more what Michael Bolton is up to these days. Did he go to med school with Samir? perhaps law school? We all know that Peter from Office Space decided to travel back in time and fight in WW2, a poor choice compared to Samir, especially considering that Peter is fighting along the lines of super P-bomb Ross from Friends. Anyway, another thing about the shotty mental hospital was that The Big Lebowski played the psychiatrist. Where was goodman? So you have Samir, a former computer nerd and Dude from Lebowski handeling the sick minds of the mentally ill in NYC? Crazy, just crazy. What's next, LaVorgna from 7th heaven as chief cardiologist. Spacey was good, although it was way too obvious that he was indeed an alien. They should have left some guesswork at the end. It was like they tried to do that but just failed. Perhaps they left some people guessing, but if you have even an ounce of common sense or Hollywood knowledge you know Spacey was from K-PAX. I heard that they initially planned on using Richard Simmons and calling the movie GAY-PAX, but decided against it because it tested as too gay with preliminary survey groups. I'd see K-PAX just because of Samir. The man really got his life in order after leaving Innotech and you gotta hand it to the guy. My only beef with the movie was that there was no flashy breakdance scene like Samir pulled in Office Space.
Summer Catch (2001)
I've got a great idea for a movie with Dennehy
This could have been the worst script I have ever witnessed. It was as if the producer said to the writers, "guys, I'm going to drop a deuce, I want a screenplay on my desk by the time I come back." Paired with the absolutely atrocious acting of Freddie Prinze Jr., this made for 100 minutes of non-stop laughs. One theory of mine is that they accidently released the deleted scenes instead of the movie. This could explain the chopmail storyline and non-sensical dialogue. Freddie Prinze Jr., besides She's All That, will never be in another good movie, namely because he is a pathetic actor. He plays the same panzi bum in every film. I want to know what Sarah Michelle Gellar thinks when she sees one of his movies. She can't possibly look him straight in the eyes and say, wow, that was outstanding. Although she is an actress, so maybe she does. Jessica Biel looked good, and seemes to cry a lot. But her name, Tenley, was dumb. She was the daughter of an old money yuppie, why would he name his daughter some slap ass hippie name? Now for that baseball parts. Hmmmm, what to say. They billed this movie as an attempt at realism. I'm sorry, but a guy diving over the outfield wall? Was this Angels in the Outfield, because I didn't see Tony Danza. Plus, they labeled Prinze as a pitcher who fell apart during the game. Come on. Dennehy has to be the worst manager ever. Throughout the whole movie I think he used one relief pitcher, and that was only because Prinze ran off the field, and Dennehy had no other option. Prinze seemed great to me, as a pitcher. Despite having the pitching motion of a twelve year old girl, he would often have 10 k's and a shutout into the 8th, and then give up 6 runs. I'm sorry but if you're a starter and give up no runs through 7 that's a damn good job. It's Dennehy's fault for not hitting the bullpen. Plus, I thought Dennehy died of a heart attack in Tommy Boy. What was he doing managing baseball in the Cape Cod league? That is another hole in the plot. All in all I'd go see it if I were you. I mean, me and the Big Vo were laughing like crazy at the absurdity of the movie. I know Spencer kept complaining during the movie, but he is a miserable person. I think Bubba Foley liked it too, but his face was too entrenched in a tub of popcorn to have noticed much of the movie. Oh, the Vo said Biel could use bigger breasts, although I think she looked just fine. You're a lucky man LaVorgna. And Biel, you picked the wrong NESCAC school. Should have been a Mule, not a Jumbo. I will be appearing at the Borders Books in the Garden State Plaza for an autograph signing this saturday from 12:00 to 12:03. Thank you to all my fans. 8-deuce is out.
Friday (1995)
not funny
this movie is just plain not funny. I know I am in the minority on this one, but Al didn't think it was funny either. I'm pretty sure the Manwhich, (Foley), would hate it too. I couldn't relate to the humor, if indeed humor was the aim, and when Chris Tuker speaks I get angry. I always hear people quoting lines from this movie, it's not Office Space people, don't quote lines rom bad movies. You don't see me walking around quoting Robocop 3. In conclusion, this movie sucks, people say wow I can't beleive you didn't like Friday, you should see it again. My response, no the movie sucks why watch a movie that I already know sucks when I can watch one that doesn't suck like Varsity Blues.
King Ralph (1991)
Orens' finest
The best part about this movie is that we can now all use the movie's title as a clever nickname for fat people. For example, when playing a pick-up softball game back in 1996 Orens stepped to the plate and Baumann yelled from his first base position, "hey, it's King Ralph." This brought great joy to everyone who was lucky enough to hear the comment. That I feel is the greatest contribution of this clearly pathetic movie. I'll admit, I think I rented it when it came out on video, although I was very young so I will assume my mom rented it for me. Anyway, I remember little form the movie, maybe a part where some people get electrocuted during a photo, a potential fox hunt gone sour and a scene with a leader of an African country. I also recall King Ralph being a serious bowler. I do not recommend that you see this movie, however, I do recommend that you call fat people King Ralph for comedic purposes.
Bring It On (2000)
the more you see the more you understand
The first time I saw this movie I was drunk and eating some chinease food. I didn't like it that much as i found some grave holes in the plot. I knew the movie had to have been good so me, The Vortex, Y-2 Jew and the Manwhich rented it at a later date. This time I enjoyed the movie much more. I thought that Eliza Dushku put in an outstanding performance as bad apple turned cheerleader. her dramatic change in personality was so abrupt and unprovoked that only an actress of her standing could pull it off. I also enjoyed Kirsten Dunst's younger brother who was one of the ugliest kids I've ever seen in my life. He looked like a kid with down syndrome who spent his formative years smoking crack. The stereotypical school from Compton was also very enjoyable for obvious reasons. If you do rent the film on DVD be sure to watch the deleted scenes. There is one scene about colleges for Ms. Dunst. her mom argues for her attend schools that are obviously far superior to her intellect such as Pomona, which the mom talks up for a good period of time. Spencer found this especially amusing since he attended the school. My sister also currently attends the school, however, she is not important right now. The third and final time I saw this movie was at Dallas' house with Dallas and Chuck. We spent most of the movie debating who we wanted to bone. I liked Dushku, Chuck the head cheerleader from east Compton High and I don't remember what Dallas said, but for arguments sake let's say it was Dunst. We then went to the OL for some beers. That was fun too. So in conclusion I recommend watching the movie at Dallas' house and then hitting the OL for some post film brew-ha-ha's.
Antitrust (2001)
spencer loves computers so much and he didn't even like it
Spencer loves computers like Foley loves an All-American burger, but Spencer found AntiTrust both lame and non-computer savvy. Spencer often complained that they were only "coding in HTML," and that "Philippee was a mere neophyte, and not the bad to the bone hacker that is I or Turano." Spencer also questioned whether Tim Robbins is actually a computer genius in real-life, why not just get Steve Jobs to play that role with Spencer filling in for Philippee?
Obviously, Al and I don't like computers nearly as much as Spencer, so we found the movie even worse. At least Spencer got to look at some computers, me and Al got to look at Claire Forlani and Rachel Leigh Cook. One funny part was when Al said, Claire Forlani is so hot, and then Spencer said "wow, check on the specs on that bad boy. You are one fine computer baby." The movie ended in a three way argument between Al, Spencer and I. I thought Cook looked the best, Al thought Forlani while Spencer liked the giant mouse cleverly representing a computer mouse. Spencer just thought, "the humor of the mouse actually being a mouse works on so many levels. Plus a mouse that big means the computer must be huge, just imagine it's capabilities."
Office Space (1999)
best real comedy ever, maybe
if you don't love this movie you are retarded. Plain and simple, if you don't think this movie is so funny that you know every line you don't deserve a TV set. I feel no need to give a review because the movie is that good. Every character is perfectly developed and brilliantly portrayed. See this movie and if for some reason you don't like it that is due to your inferior brain
Major League: Back to the Minors (1998)
a poor movie, yet watchable
This movie is so bad it's funny. It stars Scott Backula as some coach, but that's not important, what is important is the large black fellow who plays 1st base. First off he has to be at least 75 years old, yet still plays minor league baseball, second he starts out the movie in the outfield despite not being able to walk, let alone run. Coach Backula brilliantly moves him to first citing the fact that when he attempts to run he stays in the same place for too long a period of time. Backula shows more brilliant coaching strategy in the end of the film, (SPOILER), he tells his star player "downtown" to hit a home run, clearly "downtown" viewed this as a good move. He hit the home run and won the game for his team, a minor league squad playing the Twins who were the class of the majors in the movie. Now if only Tony Muser, manager of the Royals, would be as smart a coach as Backula and tell his players to simply hit a home run in every at bat, the Royals would never end an inning let alone lose a game.
7th Heaven (1996)
The Greatest show of all time
7th Heaven is the greatest non-animated show of all time, (Simpsons is more clever and funnier). The comedy is top notch, Jessica Biel is a P.O.A and LaVorgna is on a plane of acting only reached by Scott Walker and Carrot Top. Every episode there is one major problem that seems to plague the entire family. For example, if Simon is having woman problems with Deena, (his fly honey), Then Matt will also have girl troubles, Mary and LaVorgna will get in a fight, Lucy will feel sexual tension with the suicidal young stud Mike Pierce, Mrs. Camden, (the world's meanest person), will get her mack on with some sleeze ball form the church and the good Rev. will attract a buxom young church attendee. Every episode is filled with non-stop laughs, I will highlight some of the better quotes/great moments from this past season:
1) directed towards Mrs. Camden by Simon's punk friend for one episode..."You don't belong on the streets, (referring to fictional town Glen Oak), you don't respect me or no man." 2) The entire Alan Thicke episode, he trashed their living room fo no reason, called Mrs. C a P.O.A, blamed the Post Office for losing fictional letters etc. 3) The male characters have the worst haircuts I've ever seen, except LaVorgna, (you da man LaVorgna, keep doin' ya thing man) 4) The entire Camden family is white with the exception of youngest daughter Ruthie who appears to be Hispanic, (see my review of Willow) 5) The cop seems to have nothing better to do than follow the Reverand around helping him out with church work a la Scooby Doo and Shaggy. Doesn't this guy have actual crimes to work on? 6) Ruthie is absurd, just listen to her talk and you will know what I mean. She is ridiculously smarter than every character on the show despite being younger and dressing like a hooker, (see the episode where she wants to go to that concert) 7)Every time there is a phone conversation the words "good-bye", "see-ya", "later" or any variations of such are never used, instead they are replaced with rather rude hang-ups which the entire show seems to view as normal behavior. Also considered non-psycho behavior is to end face-to-face conversations by running away.
In conclusion if you don't watch 7th heaven you are missing out. Hopefully one day I can achieve my life-long, (actually past 2 years), dream of appearing on an episode. hey Spelling I am a better actor than the 20 somethings you have on that show, plus I will work for free, or maybe a sandwich.
The Fast and the Furious (2001)
I am in awe at the acting of Scott Walker
The Fast and the Furious ranks near Varsity Blues as one of the greatest movies ever made. Although essentially the exact same movie as Point Break, the casting brought the film over the top. Swayze was replaced by Vin Diesel, Reeves by Scott Walker, Lori Petty by Mark Wahlberg's wife etc. I will admit that there were some minor, (fine major), plot holes, but when Vin Diesel pumps up the fine Brocksonic stereo nothing else matters. Scott Walker, star of such classics as Varsity Blues and She's all That, put in his typical Oscar quality performance. His portrayal of an undercover officer looking for some lovin' brought tears of joy upon my face. I urge all of you to see this movie at the tenplex in Paramus, there you can find the optimum crowd, as that is half the fun of this movie.
Also the cars are nice, but I would have prefered to see my Jeep Wrangler with the top speed of 45 mph in the film as well.
15 Minutes (2001)
painful to sit through
You know those movies where you just kind of twitch while watching them? Where regardless of how comfortable the chair is, you feel like you're sitting on a bed of used hypodermic needles? This was one of those movies. Although the first 15 minutes of the movie were good, maybe that is where the title comes from, the rest of the film hurt my eyes and brain. The movie was absurdly boring and non-sensical, the acting was poor and Ed Burns puts in a performance worthy of elementary school drama teacher. At one point I tied to go to sleep but found that I wasn't tired enough. If only the movie had been 15 minutes long I would have given it a 9, but since it was 13 hours, or at least that is how long it seemed, it gets a 2.
Varsity Blues (1999)
The Best Film Ever
Varsity Blues was a gripping tale about a young Vanderbeek's struggle with the police and FBI. After witnessing the murder of his girlfriend played by Amy Smart Vanderbeek travels around solving mysteries with SCott Caan, Paul Walker, Ali Larter and their pet Coach Bud Kilmer played by the immortal Jon Voight. Billy Bob, formerly of the Oscar winning Good Burger, puts in a solid performance as a fat kid typecasted into an offensive lineman role. There were really too many high points in the movie to name them all, thus I will name none of them. See Varsity Blues, buy Varsity Blues be Varsity Blues. Thank You for your time.
P.C.H. (1995)
I'm confused...
This movie was just too deep for me. Too many intricate sub-plots. The gay black man with the crazy ugly chick, the computer hacking asian who was constantly helping out the FBI, the single parent Southern lounge singer, Casper van Dien and his relationship with the Mexican pe-med student (I think this was an episode of 90210 as well), the picture of Denise richards on the cover of the box and her being in the movie for 15 minutes. And then you at the end you find out there is a volleyball sub-plot. A model teams up with Van Dien, the Mexican and the gay black guy and they beat the beach all stars. Then this guy commits suicide. Unfortunately the Asian was not involved in this scene.