b. koski Reviews

Blood Diner (1987)

The best vegetarian restaurant in town.

[11 October 1999]

Michael and George, owners of the best vegetarian restaurant in their small city, have an interesting social life. Where most people go home and spend time with their loved ones after work, Michael and George hang around with their deceased uncle. That's right, their deceased uncle -- who's actually just a brain and eyes in a jar that's ordering them to rebuild the goddess Sheetar so she can take over the world.

Sound like the perfect B-Movie? Well, in a way, it is. 'Blood Diner' is one of those little gems that takes you quite a while to appreciate. Sure, it's filled with as much low budget gore and cheesy sexist jokes as as Kong could fit into an hour and twenty eight minutes. And sure, there are members of my high school drama class that are better actors than two of the main characters in this film. But that's what makes it fun -- the fact that it was not only made to laugh at, but that you have so many chances to laugh at it.

Rent this movie if you ever get the chance and if you're into black humour and/or horrible but great films. And make sure to watch out for the biker, wrestling and Vitamin scenes. If you aren't rolling on the floor laughing at the end of it, never rent another B-Movie again.

Frightmare (1983)

Only a tiny bit underrated...

[11 October 1999]

Although I do agree that Frightmare is underrated, it isn't something to put too much work into finding.

The storyline is a semi-interesting twist on the life after death theme: A legendary horror actor [Conrad] dies mysteriously in his bedroom. At the funeral his 'last film' is shown: a short with him stating that there is life after death and that he's watching all of the people that are watching the film. A little later, a group of horror/drama kiddies decide to steal Conrad's corpse and bring him to the house where some of his movies were filmed. The kids slowly start to disappear, one by one...

The first few death scenes are the only downright amazing thing about this movie. It was nice to see some regular, down to earth 'mental murder' after watching two gore filled movies beforehand. But even that can't save it -- the murders start to get bloody in a very cheesy way, and them themselves become as boring as the movie itself.

I'd suggest renting this only if you have the money to blow and you aren't expecting a masterpiece. There's better horror films, but every once in a while you need to see something average to remind you of that.

Rushmore (1998)

One of the best comedies of the Nineties.

[18 September 1999]

In the era of the buddy cop film and bad movies marketed at teenagers, here's a film that slipped through the advertising phase virtually undetected to become one of the best movies of the decade.

'Rushmore' has to be one of the strangest comedies I've ever seen. The story is clear and to the point -- A high school student is in love with a first grade teacher. He does many outrageous things to try to get her attention, and throws little fits when she doesn't pay any attention to him. He has his friend, a business man in his forties help out, and he falls in love with the teacher as well. Pandemonium takes place. The story may seem just a tad bit insane, but the way that the actors play it out will leave you in stitches.

It's really hard to make up my mind on whether it's pure genius or not -- the acting is great, the jokes are great, the whole movie itself it great, but it leaves you with this feeling of confusion... But even if I can't decide if it's one of the best movies on earth, it's still one of the best movies of the decade and worth a much higher User Rating than 200.

Check it out if you're a fan of strange and not-so-obvious comedies. Even if you aren't a fan of Bill Murray, which many people that I know aren't, you should still enjoy it. The soundtrack, filled with semi-obscure poppy love songs and some original stuff by Mark Mothersbaugh and Jerry Casale from DEVO/Mutato Musica, is worth picking up as well.

Wishmaster (1997)

I wish this movie was never made...

[17 September 1999]

Negatives: Boring. Not scary. Unfunny 90% of the time. Unoriginal. Uninspired. Waste of time.

Positives: It isn't Scream/I Know What You Did Last Thursday Under The Park Bench. Funny 10% of the time. Cameos by many horror film stars from the past.

Do the positives outweigh the negatives? No. 'Wishmaster' is a waste of time. It's not the worst movie ever made, but it came quite close... Rent one of the 'Hellraiser' films that it seemed to copy, you'll be much better off.

Witchboard (1986)

Much better than expected.

[6/10 · 17 September 1999]

When I popped 'Witchboard' into the VCR, I was expecting the typical cheesy horror movie. The beginning music, the topic matter of the movie itself, and the fact that my mother taped it immediately after the 'classic' 'Slumber Party Massacre' added to this thought. However, I ended up getting quite a surprise.

As another reviewer said, 'Witchboard' wasn't a modern day classic. It had it's low-points -- the story was a little slow and predictable at times. The acting also wasn't top notch, and some of the humour and scenes themselves were unnessecary. But when 'Witchboard' actually takes off, it turns into quite the engulfing movie.

B-Movie fans may not enjoy this very much. It's not your average eighties run of the mill gorefest. But, because of the interesting storyline, any horror/suspense fan that enjoys a decent scare should check it out.

The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

Best slasher film ever? Not quite...

[17 September 1999]

Normally, I don't sum up the plot of a movie that I'm reviewing unless it hasn't been summed up before. People have told the point of 'The Slumber Party Massacre' many times, but I feel it's my duty to sum it up once more for the viewing public. So, without further ado, ...

The first hour or so is more or less 'Wow. Teenage girls played by actresses in their mid twenties. And wow, they're getting naked and smoking marijuana. This hasn't happened in a horror movie before! And, well, now people are getting killed! What a surprise!'

The rest of the film starts turning into what fans of cheesy movies enjoy -- lots of bad lines, really horrible acting and as much blood and gore as you can pack into thirty minutes as possible. In a way, this partially redeems for how boring the first half is, but not quite.

As everyone has said before, rent this movie if you want to see breasts but aren't old enough to rent pornography. 'Slumber Party Massacre' isn't a scary movie. It barely even counts as a funny movie.

I'm not sure what the best slasher film is, but this definitely isn't it...

Pi (1998)

God bows to math.

[10/10 · 11 September 1999]

There really isn't a lot I can say about this film that hasn't been said before. Sure, it's not perfect, but what is? Sure, it's aimed at lunatics and math geeks, but what's wrong with that? Just because it isn't dedicated towards the 'Varsity Blues' crowd doesn't mean it's automatically a bad film....

Pi is one of those movies that does something that any good book makes it's reader do -- THINK. It makes you wonder about society, feeling sorry for the real people out there who are stuck being that smart. Sure, not every genius has strange flashbacks and is addicted to solving math problems, but some [probably] do. It also makes you realize that some people take their obsessions (math, religion, et cetera) WAY too far.

I think everyone should rent it. I'm not saying that everyone will enjoy it, but I still feel that even throwing it in for five minutes will make a person think about it. (Even if they're only thinking 'God this sucks...' at least they're thinking.) And PLEASE don't rent it because of the soundtrack -- musically it isn't that bad, but I agree with past reviewers that said that at times it doesn't really fit the movie at all.

Dead & Buried (1981)

One of the better 'zombie' films out there...

[23 July 1999]

Recently I rented 'Bleeders', one of director Gary Sherman's newer films, and remembered this movie from my past while reviewing it. So, I dug through our video collection until I found it.

'Dead & Buried' is a surprisingly good movie. Released in the time where there was either one murderous main person (Freddy/Jason/Micheal Myers) or a strange pervert slaying half naked teenage girls (Slumber Party Massacre, among others), it was a surprise to see a large group of people get in on the killings. This somewhat original idea is probably one of the most appealing points of the film.

The story goes somewhat like this: strangers keep on getting killed as soon as they show up in the small town in which the movie is set. The local sheriff is somewhat baffled about what's going on -- he's a new cop, so he isn't used to dealing with murders. All this time everyone's acting a little strange: his wife seems to be developing a strange addiction for voodoo and the local mortician seems to enjoy preparing bodies for burial a little too much. When the cop finally starts to realize what's going on, he learns why his town is a little different than most other ones.

Any horror fan would enjoy 'Dead & Buried'. It's should be known as one of the few horror movies from the early eighties that doesn't make you want to crack up laughing. Zombie film fans would probably find it quite interesting as well, as long as they don't expect the run of the mill green skinned 'Bloodsuckers from Outer Space' zombies.

Blood Suckers from Outer Space (1984)

Good clean fun.

[22 July 1999]

I think there's one thing that a guy who reviewed this before me didn't realize -- this wasn't supposed to be a serious film. At least, I hope it wasn't supposed to be a serious film...

I'm sorry if I'm evil for saying this, but I *LOVED* this movie. There were so many bad things about it: the actors were horrid, a lot of things didn't make any sense (like how nitrous oxide did *NOTHING* to the main character), the music itself and the fact that none of the four cameras actually moved come to mind. And yes, I believe it was intentionally supposed to be humorous. But still, it's a zombie movie, and you can't expect zombie movies to be serious masterpieces.

If you're one of those people who enjoys quoting bad films, seeing obviously fake blood and/or gore or you just have a 'different' sense of humour, pick up 'Blood Suckers from Outer Space' if you can find it -- you'll probably enjoy it. But if you are a straight on serious zombie freak, pass it over -- you'll hate it.

Night of the Seagulls (1975)

zzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZ...

[22 July 1999]

Boring. Very boring.

This film seriously wasn't worth the fifty cents that I paid to rent it. It had potential, but it more or less turned into the typical 'townspeople sacrificing pretty young girls to something or other' type film where the strange outsiders messed everything up and almost get themselves killed. After viewing it you'll get really confused, too -- I mean, what happened to the Doctor's maid/waitress/whatever? Was her heart cut out like the rest?

Unless you enjoy fast forwarding through films, don't bother even thinking about getting this. Trust me, you'll be much better off if you don't.

Bleeders (1997)

More of a suspense/thriller type movie than a horror film..

[19 July 1999]

I recently rented 'Hemoglobin' (also known as 'Bleeders') expecting the typical A-Pix film -- horrible acting, bad script and annoying children. So, when I got home and popped it in the VCR I was rather surprised to see an interesting not-so-horrorish film.

Sure, it still had the annoyingly fake children that A-Pix are known for, but in the end 'Hemoglobin' was rather interesting. The storyline was quite good -- a young man with blood problems and his wife visit the island on which he was born. This man searches the island to try to find out who his parents were and why he has his problems and ends up running into quite an interesting story. All while this is happening, townsfolk are disappearing or getting scared to death.

I think this film would probably be of interest to anyone who's a fan of the A-Pix style or people interested in the Suspense/Thriller genre. It's not the greatest film that your ever going to see, but it's something worth catching on late night television or if you have a dollar to spare.

Also, take note of one fact pointed out twice in the movie -- the main actress is pregnant. Can anyone smell a sequel?

Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy (1996)

A rather nice film from a great cast.

[11 July 1999]

In a way, this film was a little bit of a disappointment to me. It was good, but I feel the boys could've done much better. Kids in the Hall is one of my favourite television shows, so when I caught this movie on some movie channel I was expecting yet another dose of pure genius. Although I found it rather funny, at the end I felt like something was missing that I just couldn't put my finger on.

Not to imply that it's a horrible and unfunny film -- it's packed with the great KITH humour, has an AMAZING soundtrack on Matador Records and deserved to make a lot more money than it did. Also, the moral implied, being that people should consider putting down the anti-depressants for once and live life as it really is, is something that I whole heartedly believe in. However, the film just didn't seem to be as great as I was hoping it would be.

But it's still something that I'd suggest catching if you ever get the chance -- it's not the best movie ever, nor is it the funniest, but it's a fitting hour and a half of humour from one of the best comedy troupes ever.

The Kids in the Hall (1988–2021)

How could you *NOT* love this show?

[11 July 1999]

Kids in the Hall is one of the most underrated productions in the history of television.

Sure, it has a huge cult following and keeps on getting rerun on Comedy Central, but does the SNL watching teenage group seem to catch on? Sadly enough, no... ... but maybe it's better that way. Sure, KITH will never be hailed as the modern day classic that it surely is by most average people. Nor will very many of these folk have even heard of the show. However, for us loonies who have watched countless hours of these five men and their various escapades involving dressing up like women to fill roles in the show, Satan, homosexuality, being a waiter, Gothicism and Canada, there will never be another show as great as The Kids in the Hall.

The Shining (1980)

One of the reasons why Kubrick is one of the greatest filmmakers ever...

[2 July 1999]

'The Shining' is, plainly and simply, one of the best horror movies ever made. It is also the best adaptation of anything that Stephen King ever has written. (Not that 'Maximum Overdrive' was a bad film, or anything ... wait a minute, nevermind.)

This film kept me intrigued and on the edge of my seat at all times. The visuals are AMAZING, from the blood filled elevator to the freaky little girls to the naked corpse -- they were all among the best I've seen in any movie. This can be somewhat expected from Kubrick, a master of the art of motion pictures, but it's surprising even from him. It may possibly be his best film, based on the four or five of his that I've seen...

It's also a very convincing film, which is hard to find in the genre of horror. The acting in this movie is GREAT -- unlike many other movies, you're actually convinced that Nicholson is slowly going insane instead of just blinking a lot more and drooling. You can also feel the fear of his family, who are watching him turn into this monster.

I'm keeping this short and to the point since it's also one of the many films that has been reviewed to death on IMDB, but I will DEFINITELY tell you that it has the b. seal of approval -- rent this now. Own it. Buy me a copy. Trust me, it'll be worth your money.

Half Baked (1998)

D00D?!? ANYONE GOT A BONG?!?

[16 June 1999]

It's obvious why this movie was dedicated to stoners -- you'd have to be under the influence of some sort of illegal substance to enjoy Half Baked.

Now, maybe it's because I'm not a fan of drugs, or maybe it's because I feel that Jim Breuer is one of the reasons why SNL makes me want to vomit now, but this movie did NOTHING for me at all. I mean, I appreciate and enjoy the drug-related humour of Cheech And Chong and George Carlin, but this is worthless. If I remember correctly I got one laugh out of this film, and that was the fact that 'cultural icons' like Snoop Doggy Dogg, Willie Nelson, Steven Wright and Janeane Garofalo could be involved in it. Plain and simple; I considered trying to call DirecTV to get my money back for viewing the film after I saw it.

Stoners and/or Jim Breuer fans, rent it. You'll probably love it. Otherwise, walk right past it and pick up some classic John Candy or Steve Martin (or Kids In The Hall: Brain Candy, or some Cheech And Chong if you can't abandon drug humour) instead. You'll be much happier if you do...

Howard the Duck (1986)

Aren't B-Movies fun?

[16 June 1999]

Aren't B-Movies fun?

Wait a second ... this isn't a B-Movie! George Lucas wouldn't sign his name to a low-budget piece of tripe, would he? Well, he did.

If you're actually looking for a good piece of cinema, stop right here. However, if the words 'talking alien duck' cause bells to ring in your mind, read on.

Yes, it's a B-Movie. It's a high budget, professionally made one, but it's as bad as most other B-Movies. But, it's also one of the funniest things I've seen in quite a while. Sure, it gets boring, but look at the concept: A TALKING ALIEN DUCK! What more can I say?

So, if you have a twisted sense of humour and have already been drawn in by my one real summary (A TALKING ALIEN DUCK), then check this movie out. You'll enjoy it. But, if you're not a fan of bad eighties movies stick with Star Wars or Indiana Jones, movies that Lucas probably actually cared about.

The Exorcist (1973)

One of the best horror movies ever.

[16 June 1999]

The Exorcist: Highly overrated, or pure genius?

Well, I'd stick with pure genius myself. The Exorcist is one of the very few horror movies that isn't hilarious when it's supposed to be dead serious and/or scary. It has the great ability of pulling at the senses and, dare I say it, leaving you on the edge of your seat begging for more. Even though it may be rather offensive to some folk (especially the highly religious or weak of heart), it should be a forced viewing for many people, including most of today's so-called horror movie makers.

Also, the influence this film has had on pretty much every horror film (and quite a few films in general) CANNOT be ignored. It's indirectly became a pop-culture icon that people seem to not really have caught onto yet -- both The Simpsons and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me have references to it, yet that'd fly over Joe Average's head. Which is very, very sad...

In closing, this film, along with The Shining, is one of the best horror movies ever made. As stated, everyone who hasn't seen it should rush out and rent it. Now.

Disco Godfather (1979)

Good for a laugh or twelve...

[15 June 1999]

"Bucky, what have you been smokin'?" This line sums up this film quite well, actually. It's obvious the writers had to be on some sort of drug to let this strange pro-disco anti-drug movie fly by. Or, to expect something other than laughter to come out of viewing it... Not that it isn't a great film to sit back and enjoy if you're looking for a good laugh; Moore's one-liners will be the butt of your jokes for weeks to come. However, if you're looking for serious cinema, stray away from this.

Back from Hell (1993)

Watch out for those satanic ninjas!

[8/10 · 4 April 1999]

A struggling actor sells his soul to Satan in order to get a few good parts. However, after seeing fame, the actor backs out of his pact with Satan, causing every person who looks into his eyes to be filled with all the rage Hell can scrape up. After Satan sends his many evil minions after the actor, he is forced to turn to the only man who won't try to kill him: a priest. (Oh yeah, did I mention that while all the above is going on Satan is starting on his plan to take over the world? Didn't think so...)

This movie has all of the elements of a great bad movie: buckets of fake blood and gore, bizarre satanic story line, ninjas (!!) dedicated to evil, obvious cues and HORRIBLE acting. Anyone who enjoys a good bad movie should consider picking this up if they can find it.

Uncle Sam (1996 Video)

Rent Jack Frost instead...

[2/10 · 4 April 1999]

My only interest in this movie was the fact that it was distributed by A-Pix, the same people who put out the GREAT Jack Frost. However, after seeing it I had to agree with a friend of mine who said that it wasn't worth it... I'm not going to bother summing up the plot, since there isn't really a real plot behind this movie. Instead I'm just going to say don't rent this. Please. Pick up Jack Frost or Evil Dead 2 or Back From Hell or something GOOD. Leave Uncle Sam for the drunken party goer who won't remember what the movie was about ten minutes after seeing it. Trust me, you'll be much better off doing that.

Evil Dead II (1987)

Pure genius.

[10/10 · 4 April 1999]

Rent. Watch. Worship. Repeat.