No Nukes Reviews

The Last Movie (1971)

Honestly, what were they thinking? (spoilers?)

[28 April 2003]

Okay, in order to understand ANYTHING in this movie, you have to keep the plot in mind:

1.) A crew of American moviemakers come to a South American country to shoot a western.

2.) The villagers become mystified by the film crew's amazing doodads and create a cult that involves creating giant, non-functional bamboo movie equipment (film reels, projectors, etc.)

3.) The Dennis Hopper character is in love with this chick.

4.) His friend is obsessed with finding gold. Um....

Clearly, Dennis was rapidly going insane. One look at this makes it clear why he didn't make many movies after that.

The Agency (1980)

It's one of a kind (spoiler?)

[15 March 2003]

"Agency" is one of those films that's equal parts cheese, espionage, and paranoia-truly something that could only be a product of the 70's. It's not exactly earth-shattering but a must-see in my book. The "revealing point" is so funny/messed-up...well, just one hint. Wait for them to play the "Chocolate Planet" tape and you'll see for yourself. But I'm warning you...you might die laughing. *PHNERK!*

-No Nukes, The Satanic Pikachu

Les escargots (1966)

Snails! Ack!

[17 December 2002]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I love this short! It's a spoof of kaiju eiga with giant SNAILS! No, really! They wreck cars, destroy buildings, and even chase people! Honestly, you'd think a person could outrun a snail, even one the size of a Sherman tank! It's hilarious!!!

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

2001: A Space HORROR! (spoilers)

[26 November 2002]

After reading and rereading the original story on which it was based about 20 times and comparing it to the movie, I have finally, FINALLY made some sense of the plot. But enduring this movie is still an excruciatingly long, terrible, horrible, painful experience. You know you're in trouble when you find yourself plugging up your ears, AND THE MOVIE HASN'T EVEN STARTED YET!!! It's just the "overture", folks. That's nothing. The real terror is yet to come...

(Forgive me if some of the events are in the wrong order, I haven't seen this movie for about 7 years)

Our movie starts in, uh, 1 million BC?! Yes folks, and there's the sterotypical ape-people (Homo Erectus, I beleive) running around, eating roots, and getting eaten by wolves. Suddenly a big shiny tennis table...I MEAN *MONOLITH!* appears, and the ape-people pray treat it like a god. A minute later one ape-man finds out how to kill things with a blunt object! Yay! I discovered meat! He throws his weapon in the air....

AND WE SUDDENLY CUT TO 2001 AD! And a spaceship that looks oddly like the bone our caveman friend threw in the air earlier. Cue the videophone and the nasal-voiced girl who wants a BUSHBABY for her birthday.

A crew discovers the monolith on the moon. They then send ANOTHER crew of astronauts (?) to pick up the monolith. HAL, the ship's computer, kills a few hibernating astronauts. He basically says it was an accident. Yeah right HAL. More bad stuff happens. The hero shuts down HAL in slow motion, and the maniac computer emits the clumsiest speech I have ever heard. It's like a man with a head wound reading cue cards. The hero escapes and....

INTERMISSION!! WHAT?! NOW?! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Now, for no reason at all, the film goes into about 20 minutes of swirling, bubbling, ear-and-eyeball sprinkled BAD ACID TRIP, WETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. This is the point at which some people feel that the movie is sorta pushing it. GEE REALLY?! WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE???

After pushing the fast-forward button what seems like forever, we see the equally bizarre ending. Astronaut in fancy-pants room turns into old man, dies, turns into baby, floats out into space, credits roll. It's insane. But that's Kubrick for ya.

Steppenwolf (1974)

Down, boy! Down!(warning: possible spoilers)

[6 November 2002]

This is one of those movies that left with a big, opaque question mark on my

forehead. For the first half it follows the book's plot but then it pretty much turns into a big fat acid trip, implementing every sort of color filter known to man and even a few cartoon backgrounds. Yes, I said CARTOON backgrounds. And watch how Harry's hallucinatory pal gets rid of the cadaver on the rug near the end. Seriously, watch for it. It's amazing. I hit the rewind button and had to see it about 5 times to make sure I had really seen it. Also, the cartoon near the beginning of the film explaining Harry's plight is amusing.

The film itself is very slowly paced, however, and it takes a lot of patience to get through it. Oh yes, and the ending. How did Harry die?! The tall object implies that he was hanged, but I'm not sure...

-No Nukes, The Satanic Pikachu

Carnage (1984)

B-Maniac's Paradise

[10 March 2002]

I love Carnage. When I picked it up at a flea market I was a bit leery of it because the box touted itself as a horror/comedy. It couldn't be further from the truth...it's a quite serious horror film, the only thing that will induce chuckles is the outlandishly silly special effects (so silly, in fact, it looks almost as if it were made to look cheap on purpose). Bad acting, dorky-looking ghosts, possessed household appliances, skitzophenic mother-in-laws and lotsa lotsa blood n' guts equals one hell of a good B-movie session. The ending reminded me of the one from VIDEODROME somehow. No idea why, though.

Very hard to find, but worth every second of the search for addicts of horrible cinema such as myself.

-No Nukes, the Satanic Pikachu Pika pikaaaaa pika pi chipa pikaCHUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!! (stay cool, surf well, watch lots! pikaCHUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!)

Senrei (1996)

Extremely Cronenbergesque

[9 February 2002]

If you are familiar with the films of that weirdass Canuck, David Cronenberg (as I am) you will recognize that they have incorporated his staple clichés all over this movie. Transformation of the body, the "new flesh", alternate realities, etc....the whole enchilada. Even the brain-transplant machine looks like it stepped out of one of his movies. You make of that what you will, I'm just flabbergasted. Weird, sick, depraved, somewhat slow-moving. If you're "turned off" by movies by Greenaway, Cronenberg, or Lynch you'd better stay well away from this one. However, if you are the sort wo can sit through BOXING HELENA without flinching, this is your cup of tea.

Coonskin (1974)

Finally, a GOOD Bakshi movie

[12 January 2002]

This is much better fare than Ralph Bakshi normally cranks out,

probably because most of his other "political cartoon" films are

pretty static and boring. This one acts almost as a self-parody of

Bakshi's style of storytelling. All his pitch-black humor is present,

along with the outrageous character sterotypes that come with it.

But this time, it's put together in a way that does NOT wander into

an aimless mess and actually has something worthwhile to say.

And it has "furries" sprinkled liberally throughout it to keep interest

up (a rabbit, a bear, a fox, a mouse, a lion, an anteater, a monkey,

a duck, etc.). The slapstick routines add a nice touch too, and it

manages to be funny. This is one of those rare occasions Bakshi

got his head out of his butt, stopped whining and complaining

about how no one notices him, and made an actual CARTOON,

dammit. Great viewing for people who are actually mature-minded

and not just over 17 with the brains of 10-year-olds. Keep a sharp

eye out for references to "Song Of The South"!

Definitely worth putting on DVD!

Mulholland Drive (2001)

Oh Lynch, Where Art Thou?

[30 December 2001]

Eraserhead was quite a trip The Elephant Man really made me flip Twin Peaks was quite lovely, too....

Mr. Lynch, what's happened to you?

Years ago you brought joy To surrealism-loving girls and boys But to Mullholland Drive, I say..."HOO BOY!" Mr. Lynch, it seems, has lost his thing.

Plot is stupid, acting as well, The whole stinking mess was boring as hell. Tries to be this and tries to be that, Ends up going nowhere in no time flat.

I now miss the days when I could say, "what the hell was that movie, anyway?" Now, alas, Lynch's style has fizzled, And his hair become more frizzled.

Mr. Lynch, I fear I feel You've just become another cog in the Hollywood wheel.

So, to viewers who'd buy this, I say... Save your money, stay away! It's not exciting, it's eye-straining, Barely even entertaining. If you think this is worth the penny-pinching, You may deserve a public Lynching.

End of Days (1999)

Good lord almighty, this is dumb!

[6 October 2001]

There might be something wrong with me, but I did not find this scary. AT ALL. It's a nice brainless action flick though. Hilariously dated Y2K refernces and instant-replay shots make this "kill the devil to stop the apocolypse" epic that much more amusing. Unintentionally funny, and filled with lots of the ol' ultra-violence we know and love Arnie for. My favorite bits were the train chase, the fiery demon-thing Schwarzenegger faces near the end, and the scene where the preists keep trying to excorsize the devil out of the church and he knocks them off to shut them up. Much more dark humor than in most movies he stars in. And for once, the villian is the one making the bad puns. Resembles a Hong Kong fantasy/horror/kung-fu film than a suspense/horror film. Fans of old-school fright like HALLOWEEN and ROSEMARY'S BABY will be severely dissapointed, but action fans will be thrilled.

Godzilla (I) (1998)

Misunderstood (warning: HUGE rant)

[6 October 2001]

All right, all right. We ALL know this is nothing like the original

GOJIRA. But can't you at least give them a break for even a

second?!

Even though GOJIRA and GODZILLA 98 are light-years apart in

terms of plot formula, feel, and execution, the premise behnd it

remains the same: nuclear testing creates Godzilla, Godzilla

destroys things, military goes crazy trying to find Godzilla's secret,

man finds it, government has to decide wether to kill the monster

and destroy everything along with it (Tokyo Bay in the original, the

stadium in G98), goes ahead, makes final attack on Godzilla, city

is saved. Well, okay, the guy who kills Godzilla survives in G98

unlike the scientist in the original who "went down with his ship" by

destroying himself as well as Godzilla with his Oxygen Destroyer,

but then they were trying to keep it from being another preachy

Cold War-era anti-nuke fable. Plus, they were trying to avoid the

touchy subject of genocide a la Hiroshima, which was the

inspiration for GOJIRA . And with the recent attack on New York, it

all hits too close to home now. I doubt we'll ever be able to make a

movie like GOJIRA or GODZILLA 98 seem far-fetched again...

Carnival of Souls (1998)

Creepy Clownings

[6 October 2001]

PROLOGUE: A lot of other users have badmouthed this movie, but

I actually think it's all right. It certainly isn't a slasher movie or even

your typical ghost story, but one thing's for certain: it's a

psychological "head-trip adventure" film that is closer in spirit to

Fellini's "Juliet Of The Spirits" than typical Craven fare.

(SPOILERS AHEAD) PLOT:The movie centers around and is veiwed through the psyche

of Alex, a woman whose mother had been killed by a serial killer

when she was a little girl. She and her sister work at a run-down

bar on the beach, just below where they live. Alex begins having

nightmarish visions of the man who murdered her mother, and

other things like sideshow mutants, evil carneys, deadly clowns,

zombies and most of all drowning...

HIGHLIGHTS: Those mysterious red balloons, the Grim Reaper

clown, the scene with a half-melted cartoon clown head, and

various eye-popping special effects.

FINAL WORD: A very strange film, something like Fellini mixed with

Jodorowsky. Certainly not for everyone, but OK "head" film. Get this

for the clownophobic on your Christmas list!

The Running Man (1987)

It's time to start RUNNING!

[6 October 2001]

Arnie is at his absolute hammiest in this silly, silly gladiatorial extravaganza in the spirit of DEATH RACE 2000. Totally unrelated to the Stephen King novellete which it was allegedly inspired by. Lotsa gore, lotsa fightin', and lotsa groan-inducing puns. But wait! There's more...there's camp! There's cheese! There's Arnie in a loud Hawaiian shirt! And best of all, there's the classic B-movie goofs and logic lapses. Badmovies.org fans will love it.

Robot Carnival (1987 Video)

Finally, Something Different

[6 October 2001]

ROBOT CARNIVAL is a breath of fresh air from the bloated, overdone, exploitative sagas Anime is known for and presents us instead with a series of short films which have nothing to do with each other except that they all star robots. I especially like the intro with the mechanized carnival running over the village...heh heh heh. Very nice, well-animated and leaves a lasting impression on the veiwer. A must-have for anyone who likes Japanese animation or the very curious.

Stalker (1979)

Nice. Not fantastic, but nice.

[29 September 2001]

Okay, I apologize about everything I said in my last review. Stalker

really isn't *THAT* bad, it's just...confusing. And slow. You can

expect that from Russian sci-fi movies, but this takes it to an

extreme. If you actually try and comprehend the totally bizarre and

irrelavant things the main characters yak on about while careening

the surreal landscape, you might go crazy. So my advice is: ignore

the subtitles during your first veiwing and then watch it again with

the subtitles on. Or, do it the other way around. The scenery and

filming techniques are impressive but the babbling on about

spirits or such truck kinda ruined it for me. Nice to look at, but not

worth buying. For Tarkovsky fans only.

Super Space Invaders '91 (1990 Video Game)

Spaced Out!

[25 September 2001]

The grand, graphics-rich, and enjoyable crown of the Space Invaders phenomenon. It has great music, neat animation, many species of enemies, and plenty of tongue-in-cheek humor such as the Cattle Mutilation bonus game (you shoot UFOs before they can steal your cows, and it reminds me vaguely of Missle Command.) It's a tribute, a self-parody, and a very nice game. They sure don't make em like this anymore!

Gradius (1985 Video Game)

The one that started it all!

[10/10 · 25 September 2001]

A conversion of the Japanese coin-op game NEMESIS, this is the game that introduced America and the rest of the world to *real* side-scrolling shooters and revolutionized the gaming world forever. The screen-hugging bosses, weird backgrounds, and enemies that moved and behaved like creatures instead of stiffly-moving robots have been incorporated into countless games, and not to mention this was one of the first games where you had control over your power-ups! It was such a huge influence that Konami made at least 7 sequels and spinoffs of it, including Salamander, Gradius III, and the super-cute Parodius series. It's very hard, but worth your while. If you have MAME, then download it for crying out loud!

The Wasp Woman (1995 TV Movie)

Talk about your killer bees!

[25 September 2001]

I saw this film because I like to watch monsters run around and eat people! And there's plenty of rubbersuit-monster stompin n' chompin n' slicin n' dicin! See her turn into a wasp in bed with a man! See her rip a rival model apart right in the photo room! See her morph in broad daylight! See a weird dream sequence that proves, once and for all, that too much sunlight CAN kill you! :) Frightfully silly, but that just adds to its cheese/fun factor. It's one of my favorite killer-bug movies!

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

A Theorem

[23 September 2001]

I have no idea why they decided to make a film so totally sci-fi oriented and obviously unrelated to the Halloween movie series and then slap the Halloween label on it. It's sort of how Square slapped the "Final Fantasy" label on that weird 3D "Starship Troopers"-style movie they recently released. (If the next FF movie dosen't have Chocobos in it, I'm suing their pants off!) Halloween II was intended to end the "Michael Myers" plot and a (futile) attempt at stopping the advent of undending sequels, but it soon became clear after this movie was made that people WANTED TO SEE MICHAEL MYERS.

Just as Godzilla '85 pretended the other 18 jillion Godzilla sequels before it did not exist, H20 pretended the other sequels (thankfully, including this one) did not exist. And just like Godzilla, Michael gets killed time and time again....hey wait! You don't suppose...naaaaah....

Juliet of the Spirits (1965)

No spoilers here, yogurt-for-brains.

[22 September 2001]

When I saw this glaring at me in Blockbuster and read the back cover, I was filled with dread because it was advertising itself as some sort of weird, brainless 70's-style sex comedy, which I am not too fond of. One day I just couldn't contain my curiosity and decided to rent it due to reviews. To my surprise and delight, it was a rather fun art film with a plot, and much more eye-poppingly weird than naughty. It'a full of wacky costumes, bright colors, ditzy dames, wacko scenery, and...oh wait...IT HAS THAT GODDAMNED REPETITIVE ANNOYING SOUNDTRACK.....AAAAAUGHHHHH....whew. Just forget about the soundtrack and enjoy the rest of the film, okay? (If you REALLY can't stand it, just put the boob tube on mute. Ah, much better.)

Solaris (1972)

Slow, but Deep

[16 September 2001]

Before you set out to watch this I'd like to warn you: Russian movies tend to be a bit too slow for American tastes. This is certainly no exception, and it takes a lot of patience to make it through this. Nonetheless, it is one of the more watchable Russian sci-fi films, and people have often compared it to "2001-A Space Odyessy" (though I fail to see any resemblance). The story centers around a makeshift colony set up on a watery planet. Everyone who's been there has gone insane-or have they?? The fact that the planet's ocean resembles a gigantic brain might have something to do with it....

A Dog's Life (1962)

Oh what fools these mortals be... (massive spoilers)

[16 September 2001]

A film comprised of completely random acts of weirdness around the world. Among the spectacles featured are:

•Rudolph Valentinio impersonators

•The preparation of dog soup

•Rich people dining on canned bugs

•Pet cemeteries

•Painting a canvas blue with naked people

•Japanese farmers giving cows beer and massages

•Natives building a model airplane out of sticks and leaves as a good-luck idol

•Tie-dyed chickens

and a whole lot more. Don't miss it!

The Day of the Triffids (1963)

Plant Food! (caution: possible spoilers)

[16 September 2001]

A great, cheesy film about meteorites that make people go blind and the following invasion of man-eating plants. Tries to be deathly serious but backfires, giving us an enjoyable "B-movie". Watch this when you don't feel like thinking too much. :)

A Zed & Two Noughts (1985)

About as enlightening as watching a zebra rot

[15 September 2001]

This is definitely one of the more disgusting films I've watched, and not in a good way. This movie made me physically ill, and though it was mind-bending and beautifully coreographed, the subject matter and the lead characters' inevitable decline into utter insanity that is characteristic of Greenaway films was a bit much for me. I'm saying this and I loved Santa Sangre. Go figure.

A pair of twin brothers (who have different hair color somehow, and as it turns out were originally Siamese twins) become obsessed with the subjects of decay, evolution, and greif when their wives are killed in a car crash at the Zoo. They start conducting utterly repulsive experiments that involve time-elapse films of animals and fruits rotting away. And to top it all off, there's a plot in all of this, by a couple of poachers posing as zoo staff who plan to make a profit from all this. The rest is just entirely too disgusting/weird/complicated to explain clearly, but I will give you some hints about the ending: It involves a rack. And snails. And floodlights. And a record player.

Dementia 13 (1963)

Coppola's earliest film foray

[15 September 2001]

For it being one of his first films, Coppola's slasher/thriller/whodunit is pretty well done and atmospheric. Wherever you look in the movie, there's always something that seems creepy and just....well, WRONG with the scenery. The exact sort of spooky stuff that you'd expect ghosts or ghouls to be responsible for. The insane old woman's ramblings about her daughter just made me more uneasy about the place. In spite of all this eeriness, though, it's got a basic modern-slasher plot, which no doubt was revolutionary for its time. The bizarre underwater shots, the ominous black-gloved killer, the unexplainable supernatural happenings, and tales of troubled childhood...it all adds up to a weird but watchable retro thriller. Don't let this one get away!