It's hard to credit that this shovelful of sludge was made and released by a major studio a full decade after George Pal's "Destination Moon" tried to give audiences a realistic picture of what a flight to the moon might really involve. Here, instead, we get 75 minutes of harebrained Hollywood cheapstakes that don't come within an astronomical unit of real science. Performed, if it merits that term, by a cast of 10 nobodies, plus the legitimate actors John Wengraf and Tom Conway, it's no accident that "12" ended up as fodder for TV's "Mystery Science Theater 3000." In fact, if it originally had been played for comedy, it might have amounted to something.
Reviews
32 Reviews
A weary dog of a script
4 October 2023
This is one of the worst episodes in this vastly distinguished series, which has been in syndication since it went off the air almost 60 years ago. "Perry Mason" had the deserved reputation of being one of the most complexly plotted mysteries on TV, but in this case the storyline went completely amok. Not only did the writers compromise the detachment of the Della Street character to no purpose, but they shoveled in one crazy complication after another in a futile effort to try to build up some momentum - blackmail, Red China, father vs. Stepson, art forgery, marital infidelity, parallel court cases. Even the great attorney himself is so worn out at the end that he admits he'd rather not know the verdict in one of the two trials he's been working. Raymond Burr after five seasons as Mason had the clout to demand a re-write of a cluttered mess like this, and should have exercised it.
Strrrrretch
31 January 2023
This episode is one of the weaker "Maverick" efforts, an instance of saving the worst for last, coming as it did late in the second season, after most of the year's good ideas had been used up. It starts with a tedious 8-minute singing revue by the plain-looking vocalist Peggy King, while James Garner stands by, seemingly mesmerized. King was not much of an actress, and in fact this was her last film appearance, so she wasn't fooling herself either. The romantic subplot between her and Bret M is as dull as dishwater and completely unbelievable. Some good character actors like Sig Ruman, Leo Gordon, and William Schallert are wasted as well. On top of this, the story is intercut with more than the usual footage of Warner Brothers' archived movies to pad things out even further.
Force of Evil
(1948)
Before Lotteries Were Legal
6 July 2022
The real force of evil this film deals with was the Prohibitionist ethic that tried to outlaw gambling in America during the 20th Century, along with alcohol and narcotics, all three of which failed. The story takes on a somewhat ludicrous tone in the context of today's attitude, although Polonsky does a good job of directing his overwrought script, when his moralizing (odd coming from an ex-Communist) and stereotyping don't get in the way. One of the best scenes in the film is of shyster John Garfield tempting innocent Beatrice Pearson in a duet worth of Astaire and Rogers. One of the most ridiculous involves veteran numbers man Thomas Gomez agonizing over his first police raid, when in the real world he'd have lost count of the times he'd been busted. I have a hunch this movie, which deals with a scheme to create a "policy" monopoly in New York City, would have been better and more popular as a comedy, along the lines of "Some Like It Hot," but the filmmakers just took themselves too seriously.
The Murder Man
(1935)
Lousy Script Trips Present, Future Stars
27 December 2021
An interesting idea botched in the script stage put Spencer Tracy, newcomer James Stewart, and a strong supporting cast on the spot in "Murder Man." The plot revolves around a newspaper editorial office, but not a single thing about the operations of the "New York Star," a miserable knockoff from "The Front Page," would convince anybody, and without that touch of realism the entire story collapses. The police and courtroom scenes are equally bad. Spencer Tracy tries his best, and so do Virginia Bruce and Harvey Stephens. Stewart has only a few lines as "Shorty," a nickname which gives you some idea of the level of writing.
Quicksand
(1950)
Decline and Fall of the Rooney Empire
19 November 2021
This is the equivalent of a medieval morality play set in 1950. Mickey Rooney strays from the straight and narrow path for a brief moment to pick up some date money, and the next thing you know, he's running from grand larceny, hold-up, car theft, break-in, kidnapping, and murder charges. Rooney does his usual solid job, and manages to make the spectacle of his step-by-step descent into the underworld involving, despite some implausibilities. There's even a good-girl/bad-girl duo tormenting him, played by Barbara Bates and James Cagney's sister Jeanne.
Hell's Five Hours
(1958)
Give Me the Re-Write Department
16 November 2021
Despite its mighty earnestness, proclaimed during a prelude sequence of several rocket launches, "H5H" founders on the implausibilities that abound in Jack Copeland's script, which is just way too ambitious for his budget. On the one hand, the story is centered on a rocket fuel plant that's alleged to be one of the most dangerously explosive and smelly in America; on the other hand, the security arrangements at this installation look to be about worthy of a 7-11. They are easily surmounted by a semi-literate hillbilly maniac, who also has figured out during a few idle minutes how to build a mercury-switch-activated dynamite bomb. And then the fun begins. Stephen McNally, Coleen Gray , and Vic Morrow do their best but they are several cuts above the rest of the ensemble.
Howard the Duck
(1986)
Dead Duck
17 June 2021
Those old enough to remember when this film was in production will recall the anticipation surrounding it. How were George Lucas, the man behind "Star Wars," and his collaborators from "Amerian Grafitti," Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz, going to bring this unlikely project to life? What miraculous special effects was Lucas going to contrive to convince the audience that here was a living, breathing being from another world, a creature in the form of a duck? When the answer arrived it was a shock felt all across Hollywood: a midget in a duck suit.
The Fountainhead
(1949)
Camp Cooper
24 April 2021
As bad as "The Fountainhead" novel was, it did have comic possibilities. If Howard Hawks had been hired to direct Gary Cooper as he did in "Ball of Fire," this Ayn Rand diatribe might have been a riot. Unfortunately, the actual director, King Vidor, insisted on taking Rand as seriously as college freshman have been doing for the last 70 years. There are plenty of unintentional laughs here as it is. The best yuk is the recurring image of Cooper pushing a pneumatic drill into a piece of marble while Patricia Neal gazes hungrily by. The hammy over-the-top dialogue and acting, along with the outlandish sets, costumes, and matte paintings, all recall the sci-fi epic "Things to Come" of a decade earlier, and Raymond Massey, veteran of that earlier train wreck, appears in this one as well.
Lady Astor
9 March 2021
Mary Astor had been working in Hollywood almost 40 years when this episode was filmed, but she was never better than here, playing Mrs. Fenimore. Just in explaining Fenimore's self-conscious theatricality ("I am an actress") she demonstrates a perfect sense of comic characterization and timing. And for a woman in her fifties, Astor retained her remarkable good looks -- a central plot point in this amusing scheme to spare a rich man the "agony" of old age. This type of minimalist production doesn't seem to have a place on American TV today, though it's more entertaining than much of what replaced it.
Not Up to Snuff
22 February 2021
This is well below the usual Rockford Files standard, mainly due to a weak script. The idea behind the plot is that the police turn a blind eye first to a detailed and credible report about a murder scheme, and secondly to an attempt on the designated victim. It just doesn't wash. Nor does the idea that the suspects would press ahead with their plan when their identities have been blown. Action shows, even as good as Rockford, often hope the visuals and some snappy dialogue will surmount logical shortcomings, and just carry the viewer along.
Better for Laughs
6 February 2021
When a writer is bogged down with a drama that just won't go, he's far better off trying it out as a comedy. The unworkable premises piled up to ridiculous heights in "Death Sentence" make a pretty good example. Hangdog protagonist James Best is haunted by an unhappy childhood, the legacy of a domineering father-in-law, a sputtering business, a disagreeable personality, and the little matter of a murder charge lurking in his criminal background. To top it off Best is supposed to be married to Katherine Bard, an actress 10 years his senior, who looked every day of it. That alone would be worse than any death sentence.
Fogged In
24 January 2021
Pretty poor stuff for a Hitchcock show, though since his TV production team cranked out 30 or so episodes per season some duds were bound to go off. Two fine performers like Rennie and Bel Geddes are wasted mouthing some of the tritest dialogue that ever came out of a typwriter. In fact, this desperate venture looks and sounds like a cheap romance paperback cut back to 25 minutes of screen time. Hitchcock made it up to Bel Geddes the same year by casting her in her greatest movie role, in "Vertigo."
Danger Man
(1960–1961)
A Messy Job
15 October 2020
Danger Man bears more than a passing resemblance to "Dangerous Assignment," Brian Donlevy's radio program and brief syndicated TV adventure show from 1952, a program that pre-dated even Ian Fleming's James Bond novels. Donlevy's character galavanted all over the world beating people up on behalf of an obscure security agency, just as Drake does here. This parallel may explain why McGoohan had no qualms about hijacking the Danger Man character later on for his own "Prisoner" production, knowing that the whole concept of the secret agent goes back as far Hitchcock and Joseph Conrad and a lot further, and can't really be copyrighted.
Out of This World
(I) (1954)
The Three Bulleyes
19 September 2020
Curious viewers wondering about the connection should know that DuPont made the plastic see-through bread wrappers that came into wide use in the 1950's. These packages supplanted cellulose wrapping, and prolonged the shelf life of the mass produced dreck which in American supermarkets still passes for bread.
Once More, My Darling
(1949)
Blyth Spirit
4 August 2020
I'd never heard of this flick until I stumbled across it on a streaming service, but Ann Blyth is sensational as a strong-willed teenager who turns the American courtship ritual on its head. She takes romantic aim at a middle-aged lawyer/actor/Army investigator who's arranged to meet her under false pretences, then finds himself completely overmatched. Once Blyth takes control, ever-reliable star Robert Montgomery has little left to do except react to this remarkable character. A first-rate cast, hilarous script, and fine direction by Montgomery himself hand the audience a lot of laughs in a wonderful hour and a half.
No Man of Her Own
(1932)
That volume is checked out
8 June 2020
Let me ask you a question. If there was a girl in your town who looked like Carole Lombard, do you think she'd have any trouble getting a date? Me neither, but that's the premise of this picture, whose stars at least must have wondered the same thing, especially Lombard. She plays a rural librarian swept off her feet by card-sharp Gable, and the producers don't even take the trouble to tone down her looks in the first scenes; she's as beautiful as always from start to finish. These two were among Hollywood's most reliable and enjoyable performers, and were paid like it, even for a puzzling effort like this one.
Railroaded!
(1947)
Plot punctures promising picture
15 May 2020
Railroaded! (with an exclamation point! no less) would like to have driven its audience to a frenzy of indignation about an innocent guy getting pushed down the path to the gas chamber. Trouble is, the entire plot turns on a matter of police procedure that just doesn't happen. Hugh Beaumont and his fellow cops twice interview two crucial witnesses to a murder together; something that would never occur for fear the two would influence each other. That's just what happens here, and Railroaded! is derailed from the tracks of probability. Pretty good performances otherwise, which should have been put to better use.
Trent's Last Case
(1952)
Trent's Last Movie
7 April 2020
What accounted for the staying power of this ridiculous story? That's the real mystery behind "Trent's Last Case." This was its third film incarnation, but why? How did the producer entice three movie stalwarts like Michael Wilding, Margaret Lockwood, and Orson Welles to appear in it? With money, or something darker, like black magic? The studio behind this adventure, Republic, let Welles film "Macbeth" a few years earlier, so maybe he had some past obligations. In this production, the body of Welles' character, an international financier with the preposterous first name of Sigsby, turns up on his estate with his brains blown out. This event makes several people, including his wife and business manager, somewhat uneasy. The cops don't much care one way or the other, so its up to the intrepid painter turned detective, Trent, to sort it all out. Signifying nothing, as Macbeth put it.
Home, Sweet Homicide
(1946)
The Mouths of Babes
6 January 2020
This very amusing mystery/comedy/romance is built on the trick of giving adult dialogue to children, but the cast and director Lloyd Bacon bring it off perfectly. I don't suppose Randolph Scott was too happy about taking second billing behind 14 year-old Peggy Ann Garner. But it doesn't sour his performance as a police investigator, who is very much taken with Lynn Bari, the widowed mother of three kids. Garner, Connie Marshall, and a very young Dean Stockwell are key witnesses to a murder, which they're determined to unravel, seeing as how their mother is a mystery writer who hatches tougher plots than this one all day long. A genuinely great script by F. Hugh Herbert.
Young and Willing
(1954)
A Year in the Slammer
27 November 2019
As far as women's prison pictures go, this one is far from bad, thanks primarily to fine performances by its British cast. Glynis Johns, who is great throughout, plays a compulsive gambler who's framed by a vengeful casino owner for writing a bad check. That part of the plot doesn't ring entirely true, nor does her romance with her faithful boyfriend, but the assortment of Dickensian criminals she meets in jail are an entertaining lot. Especially wonderful is Sidney James and his family of shoplifters. Compared to some of the overwrought American pictures that have been made on this subject about "caged" women, this one is a real treat.
The Sleeping City
(1950)
Where There's Smoke
18 November 2019
This novel crime film set entirely in Bellvue Hospital in NYC is more interesting for its picture of intern life at mid-century than for its farfetched premise of a police detective planted inside the institution as a physician to try to catch a murderer. Realistic location shooting enjoyed a vogue in the late 40's and early 50's, and undoubtedly Bellvue was well compensated for extending its hospitality to Hollywood. It's also a reminder of how much cigarette smoking was an accepted "relaxant" in those days, even for the medical profession. Among numerous tobacco moments, Nurse Coleen Gray urges undercover man Richrd Conte to step outside for "a cigarette and a breath of fresh air," as though one went hand in hand with the other. Although that kind of thing seems ridiculous now, in an age of idiotic comic book and video game movies, it's a pleasure to watch a film performed on an intimately human scale.
Things to Come
(1936)
Future Imperfect
15 October 2019
Of all the screwball science fiction films made in the 20th Century none can top "Things to Come" for sheer out-of-control, over-the-top pandemonium. Such was the esteem of H.G. Wells at the time (1936) that apparently the producers didn't touch a sentence of his unfilmable script, but went ahead and filmed it anyway! Although it launches the proceedings with a very plausible prediction about the WW2 London blitz which fell four years later, from then on "Things" goes completely haywire, until it lands with a splat in the year 2036, where Ramond Massey marches around in a thigh-high white minisuit with four-foot-wide cardboard shoulder epaulets and a cape, declaiming the blessings of Progress. It's good for a laugh, many of them in fact, but "Things" is primarily useful as a cautionary tale about trying to predict the future.
Posterity
30 September 2019
Never was there a better example of a pig's ear being transmuted into a silk purse than this episode of MST3K. The incredible awfulness of "Final Sacrifice" became an enjoyable classic through the machinery set up by comedian Joel Hodgson, and carried on by his successors. Now, nobody expects a student film to be any good, so maybe this movie was an easy target, but as a result director/writer Greidanus has seen his work give people a good laugh and has achieved a measure of immortality, which is nothing to be sneezed at. I'm going to throw a bone to one member of the "Final" crew: I think the photography is pretty good for a student production. Cinematographer Jim Stacy actually brought off some interesting and difficult shots, though he doesn't seem to have followed this as a career.
Days of Glory
(1944)
Smoochie Smoochie Comrades
19 August 2019
This could have been a much more effective WW2 drama had not the screenwriter and producer Casey Robinson gummed it up with a ridiculous romance between his wife Tamara Toumanova and Gregory Peck. They play an out-of-place Russian ballerina and a guerilla commander, respectively, who mix it up while the German invaders are over-running the Soviet Union. In between clinches the audience gets a relatively mild dose of Popular Front propaganda of the type that every studio in town cranked out for a brief time to bolster public opinion about our Red Allies. "The North Star" is a similar film, but much more action-oriented, and much more entertaining as a result.
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