kemicon Reviews

Downward Dog (2017)

Kind of Charming - Writing Needs Work

[6/10 · 24 May 2017]

Overall it reminded me a little bit of Wilfred but lacking the comedic chops of Jason Gann and Elijah Wood (I originally wrote Toby McGuire because they are the same person).

Downward Dog goes for a more emotional angle than Wilfred did. The scenes where the lead character breaks down and needs the dogs affection are when the show might be at it's best. One could accuse the show of pandering to the base audience but at the moment, the show needs all the help it can get.

The reason for the low score... The writers should, like, all be fired. If your show is going to use "like" every six words... then you can save a lot of money on your writing team. Just go the nearest high school and pull someone from detention.

The writing for the male lead (at the moment) is much better than the dog or the female lead. Mostly because he never says "like", the actor is also pretty charismatic. I found myself relating to him the most. The female lead has her moments but her dialog is by and large pretty garbage butt.

I do love the evil cat though!

In summation, Fix the terrible writing and this show has a shot.

Cloverfield (2008)

Architecture hating monster takes it out on Douchey yuppies

[4/10 · 24 October 2011]

Cloverfield starts off like the worst episode of Laguna Beach where Spencer Pratt and his annoying looking friends have a send off party for their equally douche-bagish friend. This WAAAYY too long introduction features a bunch of vapid 20 somethings that only the warmest of hearts could give a flying fudge about.

A monster that seems to really dislike the Statue of Liberty shows up to crash the party and the kids are all like NOOO. So they head off to midtown to look for main douche-bags girlfriend who may or may not already be dead. Sure the rest of us probably would have been like hey bro good luck and headed to jersey but the only person in this movie familiar with NYC geography seems to be the monster itself.

The movie is shot in super jerky handy-cam style to create an eye witness feel. Or as I like to say, the movie is shot in a shaky handy-cam style to cover the less than stellar or believable special effects.

The monster is pretty stupid looking for the most part and he pops up all over Manhattan, he also seems to have a great hatred for architecture (both classic and modern). The monster can also take a full on hit from a massive bomb and just be all like yo son, not a scratch!

Don't expect anything in the form of plot in this movie and don't expect much in the way of entertainment either.

Doomsday (I) (2008)

Far from perfect but much better than excepted

[7/10 · 30 June 2011]

I had no idea what to expect (other than vague disappointment) when my hangover was so bad and this was the only movie I hadn't seen that was available at the time. I figured fine it will suck, but it can't be nearly as bad as the Pathfinder.

After seeing the whole film I can say with confidence this is no great gem of a movie (but still way better than the Pathfinder). It was however entertaining and at times had a Paul Verhoven feel to it with surprisingly hilarious scenes that pop out of nowhere.

All in all the film has a very 1970s-1980s graphic novel or action movie feel to it. It seems to be saying look we're going to have a really crazy plot that is just a vehicle to show some insanely violent scenes of people dying in horrid ways. Also I wanted to make a movie that combined zombie flicks, mad max movies and just for fu...x sake some medieval knights tossed in for good measure.

Lastly, this movie has a surprisingly good sound track. If you like darkwave or post punk you music should be pretty happy with the tracks they play in this film. They else fit the color and style of the film perfectly.

Is this a movie you'd want to impress a girl with? Not unless she was a goth... but it's a perfect film to watch with your nerd friends who still go and see super hero movies even when they know they'll most likely suck.

I'm Still Here (I) (2010)

Complicated, Difficult, and Ultimately Incredible

[8/10 · 29 September 2010]

I'm Still Here is a difficult film to watch. It's slow and plodding at points with long cuts where little seems to happen. JP's character is hard to like as he's spinning out of control lashing out at those around him. It's like Entourage during a massive drug addled shame spiral.

I get it, It was all a big act. Yet watching the film you can't help but scratch your head and wonder. What is real and what isn't? Are the coke binges real, the prostitutes, the tirades... Is the hoax a hoax? Affleck's directing and Phoenix's skillful performance made me wonder.

But what is definitely real is the public and the relationship that we have with our celebrities. Some of us (myself included) have watched (no cheered) the self destruction of certain celebrities. This film made me question why I sometimes hope to see others fail. I didn't like what I saw about myself, that having the successful fail makes me feel better about my own shortcomings. Few films can bring about such self reflection and it showed me that I am too scared to take risks.

Thankfully this film does not have the same aversions when it comes to taking risks, OK It takes HUGE risks. Who among us would leave the safety and security of a multi-million dollar career to make a film that will be misunderstood, often hated, and potentially career destroying? In the end was it worth it, that will be for the public to decide but I for one am inclined to believe that it was. After the inevitable lawsuits and box office failures, Phoenix and Affleck may disagree.

I found the final sequence of the film to be strangely emotional, and it really made me appreciate the skills of Casey Affleck. I've seen so many negative comments about his directing and I can only assume that those who are dissing his approach either haven't seen the film, or think that if there isn't a ton of glitzy effects a movie was a waste.

As for Joaquin, I found this to be his most compelling performance to date. Yes he was excellent as Johnny Cash but what about Signs, what about Reservation Road, what about Gladiator? (yes I know that won an Oscar but sorry, that movie sucked) After seeing I'm still here, I have new respect for the man and hope that this film will redefine his career for years to come.

Brooklyn's Finest (2009)

Stupid Cops, Stupid Drug Dealers, Stupid Story

[5/10 · 19 August 2010]

I love NYC cop movies, don't get me started on classics like Fort Apache the Bronx and the French Connection. Well guess what, this movie ain't them by a LONG shot but it certainly tries to fake the funk.

The movie is not a total disaster. It's shot well, acted well, and has a cool vibe to it overall. Just check your brain at the door because this movie is more full of holes than the countless gun shot victims that pepper the film.

Police are not this stupid, rookie cops are not this stupid. Drug dealers are not this stupid! The movie portrays new cops like they are helpless babies. I'm sure they're wet behind the ears but come on. One of them is even supposed to be a marine returning from Iraq and yet can't handle Brooklyn after the year 2000. Not only that but they complain about starting pay being 20k a year. Starting pay for NYPD is 40k a year and DTs would be making over 90k! That would be plenty for Sal (who I assume is a DT) to put a down payment on a house which in his neck of the woods you can get for around 160k.

Brooklyn is one of the richest places in the US, most of it is very nice. Projects in Brooklyn, while usually elevated in crime are NO WHERE near this riddled with crime. Also if you've ever been to the PJs, they are teeming with people outside at all hours of the day except when cold as hell or raining. This should be a love letter to NYC, instead it sounds like a story written by someone who has never been there, has never met a drug dealer and has certainly never met a cop.

Oh I should point out that Wesley Snipes was excellent as was everyone else (5 points for cast). But seriously Sal (Ethan Hawke ) wear a friggen condom you've got like eight kids!

Knight and Day (2010)

not a terrible movie but your suspension of disbelief will be working over time

[6/10 · 28 June 2010]

I went into Knight and Day expecting it to be terrible, which was fine because I was supposed to see the A-Team which I'm sure was even worse.

I was entertained by this film, it has a decent pace (although the first ten minutes drag) and it does a fair amount of James Bond like globe hopping which is good eye candy. The dialog was also quite good and both Cruise and Diaz deliver their lines with excellent timing that helps banter that might not be so funny on paper, sound better when they say it. Cruise is probably the stand out, his character reminded me a little of Vince from Collateral with more humor and less creepiness. In contrast however I found myself continual thinking that Cameron Diaz looked weird and alien like. The directors insistence on using so many super close face shots did her no justice. Diaz has a great body and she is more of an entire package actor, having a few more pull out shots would have done her sex appeal great justice.

So why score this film a six you might be wondering? Well you've kind of already seen this movie, it feels really familiar so don't expect any surprises. Also the use of "I got drugged so I'm fading in and out of consciousness and now I'm like 4,000 miles from where I was before" is totally over done to the point where you'll be thinking, "really... you're doing this again".

Lastly there are almost no real looking stunts in this movie. They all appear to be done with a ton of CGI, there are even cows done in CGI. In the end it gives a fake-ness to the whole film that makes you pine for better spy movies like the Bourne identity.

Ninja Assassin (2009)

5 points just for having Ninjas

[6/10 · 5 April 2010]

This is a movie about Ninjas doing Ninja things, being stealthy, practicing bad-ass moves, and killing lots of other Ninjas.

If you don't mind a plot that comes straight out of a not very good video game there is enjoyment to be had here. Sho Kosugi is excellent as the master ninja, and a great choice for throwback fans of much better Ninja films like Revenge of the Ninja (last time I saw it I was 8 years old so...) . Rain (the hero ninja) barely says a word through the movie and when he does he sounds a lot like another immortal swordsman, Christopher Lambert.

Unfortunately the Wachowski siblings seem to be getting much worse at special effects. Some of the scenes look absolutely unbelievable and the Ninja training ground almost looks like a student work for a 3D class. It must be noted that the extremely graphic decapitations look great though. Each decapitation is enhanced with buckets of blood that will make any Tarantino fan giddy with dark and kind of disturbing joy.

If you're looking for a realistic Ninja movie (I know I am) I guess you'll have to Watch Leon again and pretend he's Asian. There are a billion plot holes here, Ninjas are un-killable until the movie decides they should be cannon fodder. Your suspension of disbelief will be pushed into overdrive but in the end, a movie about Ninjas doing Ninja things is always going to be at least decent. Well if you're into low art anyway.

Oh and the movie gets an extra point for playing Being Boiled by Human League during the end credits.

Quantum of Solace (2008)

Jason Bourne gave Bond an Identity Crisis

[5/10 · 17 November 2008]

In an effort to re-imagine the franchise the creators of this film forgot about character. This is a Bond in name only. Gone are the gadgets, the one liners, the innuendo, the humor, and worst of all anything that has to do with being a spy. We never see Bond using his wits to get out of a jam which is a shame because that's what being Bond (or Bourne for that matter) is all about.

Unfortunately it's not just an identity crisis that keeps this film down. The plot has a case of ADD. Bond jumps from country to country in a flash and it's very hard to follow what is actually going on. It should be noted that this film is supposed to take place very shortly after Casino, so If you had just watched that film some things may make more sense. All in all it's a confusing mess of a plot that is more in line what you'd find in the latest Xbox 360 game than in a feature film. I found myself still wanting the movie to begin even as the closing credits began to roll.

Not the worst movie in the world but a misstep in the evolution of the series.

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter... and Spring (2003)

Beautiful and Serene

[8/10 · 10 December 2007]

Incredibly lush and deliberately paced, this film is probably the most zen like experience you can have without devoting your life to the search for enlightenment. The film itself has very little dialog and could probably be watched without reading the subtitles (assuming you are not fluent in Korean). Positively overflowing with mysticism and symbolism those familiar with the finer points of Buddhism will have a lot to talk about by the time the film closes. Visually stunning and cleverly scripted the film has a lot to offer, yet the slow pacing may turn some people off. After having seen this film I am looking forward to the next project from this clearly talented director.

Death Proof (2007)

Like going out to dinner with your wife and her seven friends

[7/10 · 7 December 2007]

If you wanted to see great car chases, classy one liners, and balls out action it's in this movie, but it only lasts for about ten to twenty minutes. What you actually get in Death Proof is an hour and twenty minutes of a couple girlfriends smoking dope, drinking and hanging out listening to a great soundtrack. So in a nutshell this movie is like going out to dinner with your wife and her seven best friends and while they talk non-stop, you get glimpses of Mad Max being played on a television far off in the distance. Not a terrible movie by any stretch, but one that will probably leave you scratching your head wondering where the hell Quentin went off to.

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Still Holds it's Own After All These Years

[9/10 · 3 December 2007]

In a moment of undeniable nostalgia I had to rent the DVD for Conan the Barbarian. I had recently seen Conan the Destroyer and was horrified to see that it was even worse than I remembered. So I was a bit nervous that the Barbarian wouldn't live up to my rose tinted memories. Thankfully my concerns were unwarranted as Conan the Barbarian stands the test of time well. Everything from the casting to the art direction is impressive in this movie, quite the feat when you can't rely on CG. The story itself is also nicely paced and tells a lot of the Conan back story. Oliver Stone stated how he expected Conan to be a 12 episode series, it's doubtful they could have kept the quality up but maybe someone will revisit the tale. And this story shall also be told ...

American Hardcore (2006)

Pretty Good but by no Means Complete

[7/10 · 14 September 2007]

I just watched American Hardcore last night and while the film was good I was a bit sad to see some luminaries glossed over or not even mentioned. Also the gist of the film is a bit odd where everyone agrees that the scene just ended one day. While that is a good story to have in a documentary it just wasn't true. Hardcore evolved with a second generation of bands coming in to play. In New York alone there was NYHC with acts like the Gorilla Bisquits and BioHazard. Also for whatever reason (licensing?) there was very little on Misfits, Dead Kennedy's and Adolescents. Another sad point is the terrible audio quality for the shows, most of these bands sounded better live than is shown here but I understand the reason for the bad audio, these events were tiny. Personally I would have overdubbed some of the shows but what do I know. Still not a bad piece of work and it was fun for me to return to the music of my youth.

Stray Dog (1949)

Great but could have used a little editing

[8/10 · 14 September 2007]

Stray Dog is the other detective noir film by Kurosawa along with High and Low. In this film a rookie homicide detective has his gun stolen which leads to a string of crimes each more violent than the previous. While it is unlikely you could make it to detective and be as "green" as this guy, it does make for an interesting plot device. We watch as the detective gets help from his fellow cops as he puts the whole thing together. There are also interesting parallels drawn between the detective and the criminal. Most of the film holds up well but there are times when it drags which is unfortunately common in Kurosawa films (except for Yojimbo which was perfect). All in all Stray Dog is a very stylish movie with some incredible shots and some ground breaking (at the time) film effects. It's worth watching just to see post war Japan.

Transformers (2007)

Someone stole your childhood memory and turned it into an army recruitment film sponsored by GM

[6/10 · 5 July 2007]

There are a number of good things about Transformers the movie. Good special effects, some funny dialog, and mostly good acting from the cast. Unfortunately there is so much product placement it nearly ruins what would otherwise be a decent summer blockbuster.

The biggest violation of all is that they changed most of the autobots from the original forms. Why does this happen? Because the movie was sponsored by GM. So forget seeing Bumblebee as a VW, and forget Jazz being a Porsche. Now instead you have a new Camaro and Solstice respectively. A freakin Solstice! The product placement doesn't stop there either. Many scenes will have a giant billboards behind them, and sometimes someone will just blurt out a product name.

That being said, there are some positives. The special effects for instance were quite good, although sometimes it's hard to tell what's happening. Most of the actors put in pretty good performances as well, with Shia LaBeouf being the stand out. Megan Fox is also pretty easy to look at, and she puts in a solid effort so no harm done there. John Voight on the other hand is border-line terrible as the secretary of defense, but he was probably just getting paid. He was WAY better in Zoolander.

So if you are 14, have low expectations, are a big fat comic book nerd, or you just want to see cool robots with lots of stuff blowing up, then you'll find a lot to like in Transformers.

Otherwise with so much blatant product placement it's hard movie to recommend.

Lastly I need a final WTF! for the absence of Thundercracker and Skywarp. Oh well I'm sure they will be in the sequel.

Rockers (1978)

Great Music and a Good Light Hearted Story

[9/10 · 9 November 2006]

This is the movie that some say inspired the plot for Pee Wee's Big Adventure. It's a story about an up and coming reggae musician who has his bike stolen and so he embarks on a quest to find his stolen property.

Joining him on his journey are some relatively well known names in roots reggae. A stand out scene for instance has Gregory Isaacs cracking a safe!. Another memorable scene shows the immensely talented but little known Kiddus I, shaking out his mass of dreadlocks before singing one of the more memorable songs of the film.

All in all it's a very fun and easy film to watch. Although the dialect can sometimes be a tad difficult to decipher it is easy enough to figure out what is going on. Most versions have subtitles but it is just as fun to ignore them and enjoy the local patois.

Remove Ya!

The Island (2005)

A long commercial masquerading as a film

[6/10 · 17 October 2006]

In the future everyone wears Puma, drinks Aquafina and drives a GM car. Yeah it's the year 2050 but car design must have hit a standstill as everyone seems to be driving a slightly modded Chrysler 300.

Underneath the blatant product placement (trumped only by Wayne's World and that was supposed to be a joke) there is a decent Sci-fi film. The premise and over-all plot are actually pretty good.

It is the not so distant future where cloning has risen to the point where the rich can clone themselves, essentially making a back up in case anything goes wrong. The only problem is the corporation making the clones has lied to the world about their level of consciousness. Eventually the clones start asking questions and it isn't too long until the lead characters stumble on to the secret and must run for their lives.

As a sci-fi film the Island does an OK job of presenting a future. The sets themselves are quite good, especially the giant cloning complex. It fails to convince though due to the presence of so many current products. It's as if the producers said, there is no way this movie will make any cash, let's load it up with advertising.

If you're looking for the next Blade Runner you probably already know that this is not it. If you are thinking of watching it for free on demand and it's either this or I-Robot, pick the Island.

Domino (2005)

What happened to Richard Kelly?

[5/10 · 26 June 2006]

After seeing Donny Darko about ten times I was eagerly awaiting this film. I finally got the chance to see it and I was shocked out how bad and utterly disappointing it was.

At it's core Domino has an interesting story, a pretty good cast of characters (Choco is intensely annoying however) and a decent director. Yet due to a confusing storyline, crazy direction and overly stylized cinematography, the film ends up playing like a two and half hour music video, a bad one at that. Tony Scott for whatever reason has serious ADD in this film and can't seem to leave a shot alone. Every scene is dripping with odd cuts and topped off with needlessly over mixed audio. It's as if they knew this movie was going nowhere, and tried hard to polish the turd.

Buried somewhere in the middle of Domino there are a few moments that actually make you laugh, but the film quickly returns to the swampy miasma of a story that ends up going nowhere. In the end this film could have had 30 to 40 minutes chopped off and it would have been greatly improved.

I sincerely hope that Richard Kelly originally had something good with Domino and it was Hollywood's incessant meddling destroyed it. I'm still a Kelly fan but if his next movie isn't any better, I might have to write him off like I did with John Singleton.

Campus Ladies (2006–2007)

One of the best comedies on TV (safe for dudes too)

[28 March 2006]

Recently my wife forced me to watch yet another shopping or wedding based reality TV show on the Oh! network. I was feeling a little emasculated when thankfully the show ended. What followed was a comedy called Campus Ladies. At first I disregarded it, I even thought I had seen this concept somewhere before. After only a few seconds it was beginning to dawn on me that this show was something special. Granted, I still get awkward looks when I tell the guys at work how funny it is, but I stand by it. Campus Ladies is a bold and racy comedy that gets away with things you'd only expect on HBO or Showtime. I've seen about four or five episodes and can't wait for more. So far I've seen these two smoke weed, be accused of date rape, and buy alcohol for underage guys. I'm sure the fundamentalists out there will have a field day with this show but for everyone else its a winner.

Style Wars (1983 TV Movie)

One of the more important films of the last 25 years

[10/10 · 2 March 2006]

Anyone who has even a passing interest in Hip-Hop or its history owe it to themselves to see this film. It's an often times brilliant documentary about on of the most important art movements in the last century. Henry Chalfant is a true visionary who saw art where others saw only crime. His dedication and professionalism helped to bring street culture to a grand scale. If the train writers took graffiti All-City, Chalfant took it All-World.

Another reason to see this movie is to get an unfiltered look at the early foundations of Hip-Hop. Regardless of what the current marketing machine would have you believe Hip-Hop was a multi-cultural phenomenon. That means whites, Puerto Ricans, blacks, Mexicans and everything in between. It could only happen in New York.

The DVD is also a must have, as it contains many interviews with the writers and where they are (were) in the year 2002. Just imagine seeing someone that looks like your dad do an ill 8 foot piece.

Suture (1993)

A classic overlooked

[9/10 · 3 November 2005]

A few years ago a friend and I were picking out a movie to watch. Since we had seen just about everything we decided to give this movie a try. The film ended up being a huge surprise to us, clever, well shot and nicely paced, with strong acting. This film is overflowing with Hitchcock style themes and also has a 1960s Twilight Zone feel to it. This was also the first time I have seen Dennis Haysbert (24, All State Commercials) in a film and he does a fantastic job. Some of the compositions and the overall cinematography are also handled with skill with some shots being smartly composed. What really made a lasting impression was the way the film handles reality, and the reality that the camera sees. Don't let the silly title and the black and white film stock keep you away from this unique movie.