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Reviews
The Lord of the Rings (1978)
Not great, but not bad - but the score is terrible!
Not going to go into detail here about the rotoscoping, animation, backgrounds, changes to the story etc. because it's all been done before. The film is flawed, yes, but only because the ambitions of the director far exceed the capabilities of animation technology at the time and the budget for the film. If he'd tried making it now, assuming the Jackson trilogy hadn't been made, it would be hailed as a masterpiece.
What I will complain about is the annoyingly perky marching-band music that pipes up continuously throughout the film. It makes it seem like the Fellowship are on a countryside ramble before taking a picnic in the woods instead of going on a perilous quest that could result in the end of the world as they know it! Great voice acting though, especially Gollum - I always chuckle when I hear his reaction to Sam's accusations of 'sneaking'! A pity that we never got to see a sequel.
About Schmidt (2002)
A beautiful film
Another film, much like American Beauty, about our futile obsessions with materialism and employment and thinking we know what's going to make us happy.
Warren Schmidt retires from his long service with an insurance company that dumps him as unceremoniously as his files and turns its back on him. His wife, on whom he has depended his entire adult life, dies suddenly whilst he out of the house and his daughter is about to marry a man of whom he does not approve one bit.
Oh, and in the middle of all this, he decides to start sponsoring an orphaned African boy in response to an ad he sees on TV one day.
We initially meet Warren and feel for the way he has been treated by life, but soon realise that he was quite the bastard himself, in his time. Maybe he deserves what happens to him? Superbly shot, brilliantly scripted and acted and with enough moments to make anyone stop and think 'Haven't I been like that too?'.
Watching this film could be the saving of you, if you are brave enough to look at yourself objectively and be truly honest about yourself.
Go sponsor an orphan.
Jacob's Ladder (1990)
I don't believe in God
I don't believe in Heaven or Hell.
I was brought up as a Muslim, then a Christian, then finally was allowed to consider for myself the mysteries of the infinite.
This film shows us an interpretation of these concepts which is disturbing, blasphemous and offensive to some.
To others it is a refreshingly dark alternative to the mass-produced viewpoints we must endure on this journey through life.
Aiello is probably the closest thing to a Guru the earth-bound soul will find. His counsel is clear, forceful and backed with the logic that only experience cannot deride. Robbins, as Singer, is Man. Man in all his weakness and curiosity and furtive searching for the meaning for his existence. Pena is that close person, the one whom we trust, yet we fear, because our own paranoia will not allow us to accept that someone else may share our views.
This film is a masterpiece.
La casa sperduta nel parco (1980)
Great film
I love films that catch you out.
You know...a film where you think you know what's going to happen (probably because of your own pre-conceived ideas and prejudices) but then it turns around and bites you on the arse and says 'What do you think of that, Mr Smart Alec?' This is one such film.
As a child I went to a private school, but came from a very poor family. My place at the school was secured through my intelligence and aptitude and my ability to succeed and appreciate the quality of the education that was provided, rather than through the contents of my father's wallet. I was bullied, abused and humiliated by both the teachers and the students because of my background and the whole experience left me resentful of those people in British society who think they have a God-given right to feel superior to others on the basis of money and status. I wanted revenge on these f**ks. I wanted to tear their world apart and p**s on their remains, to rape their grandmothers on video and send them copied through the mail for Christmas gifts (OK, maybe I'm getting a bit carried away here, but you get my point?!!) This film looks like it might be the time for the worm to turn, but the worm is turned upon and once again the rich kids win and society's balance is restored (incidentally - please watch 'Society' starring Bily Warlock - OK it's a bit naff because of it's obviously 80's setting, but the story is one of the best in modern cinema, once you get past the bad 80's fashion and hairstyles).
The rich kids win, in the end, like they always do. The poor f**ked up kids get f**ked up, just like in real life and the whole thing leaves a nasty taste in the mouth, just like real life.
Great movie.
Red Eye (2005)
Strictly average - should have been called Shut-Eye
Wes Craven has a checkered career in movie-making. From seminal early work 'The Last House On The Left' through to iconic slasher flick 'Nightmare on Elm Street' he was hailed as a radical, daring filmmaker who wasn't afraid to shock people and wasn't afraid to offend mainstream society.
However he lost his way since the late eighties and this film hasn't brought him back.
Although this is a thriller, it's not at all thrilling. The main characters are not convincing. The lead lady is supposed to be a damsel in distress, but doesn't manage to pull it off very convincingly. The storyline is fairly preposterous and the villain of the piece does a marvellous line is Christopher Walken-style psychopathic gazes, but all in all is about as scary as geeky college student.
Cinematography is reasonable and the scoring is run-of-the-mill thriller movie soundtrack, which is why I gave this film a 5 out of ten.
Oh, the best bit of this film is to watch the DVD release and check out the little girl in the gag reel. She's really funny.
Other than that, a distinctly average offering.
The Wicker Man (2006)
Absolutely dire
Woefully mis-cast - Nic Cage is by no means qualified enough or versatile enough as an actor to be able to emote for the character he plays.
The entire film feels like it's been cobbled together from the drunken memory of an educationally-subnormal simpleton who wasn't paying attention when they watched the original.
The appalling score only serves to highlight what a complete pile of rubbish this film is.
Build a large wicker man and burn all the copies of this film - do the world a favour.
The Amityville Horror (2005)
Truly horrifying....
....how a film this bad can be allowed distribution.
Poor casting (eg the 'mother' looks about 20 but has already apparently given birth to three kids) means that I cannot take anyone seriously in this film.
The shocks and scares are so well-telegraphed that even a deaf, dumb and blind person would know they were coming.
This film is a mishmash of bog-standard haunted-house clichés (creaks, doors opening and closing by themselves, ghostly voices) and relies heavily on stacatto editing and fast-cuts to bring a sense of urgency to the story. It feels rushed and raw and that storyline is barely coherent amongst the mess.
Effects are OK, but then, nowadays most are, so no points gained there.
The film claims to be based on a true story, but having read the original book by Jay Anson, I can confirm that only the names of the characters and a solitary event with a priest bear any resemblance to the book. The actual story behind the Lutzes disappearance from the property has been finally shown to be pure invention and fiction too so what we have is a shoddy film that is based on lies.
Don't blame me if you waste your time watching this after I've sacrificed mine to bring you this review.
The Da Vinci Code (2006)
Literal film version of the book. Pity it's not in chapters.
Unfortunately, the biggest thing The DaVinci Code had going for it was that it was a book.
It deals with an awful lot of pseudo-history and religious reference that takes a lot of going through. This is fine if you're reading a book - pick it up, read a chapter, put it down.
You can't do that if you watch a movie at the cinema. You are forced to endure the whole lot in one sitting, and with this film, that's like being force-fed cement.
This film is, admittedly, an almost perfect translation of the book. Everything is in there and, having visited Temple Church, Rosslyn Chapel, the Louvre and Newton's tomb, I have to say, it looks exactly as I envisioned it when I read the novel. A pity about the cast though.
Tom Hanks - Not at ALL what I pictured Langdon to be. I saw him as more bookish and distinguished. Certainly not the anonymous, slightly lumpy-faced nobody that Hanks is. His acting was average, but in no way spectacular or Oscar-winning (Bad luck, Tom. Better luck next movie) Audrey Tautou - Wooden. Spends half the movie with a silly half-pout on her face, shaking her head in disbelief, muttering exclamations in French under her breath (encore, 'Incroyable!'). Having watched her in Amelie and seen how wonderfully expressive and emotional this talented actress can be, this is a real low point for her and I hope she is suitably mature to be able to say at a later date that she was only in this because she is the most familiar Franch actress to the worldwide movie-going public at present and that she is not proud of the performance. Jean Reno - Another stable, typical but ultimately unsatisfying performance from Reno. Nothing to write home about here, although I nearly laughed when he starts crying in the aircraft hangar after confessing to a colleague (who is already aware of the fact) that he is a member of Opus Dei and that he feels he has failed God!!! Reno doesn't cry. He shouldn't cry. His tear ducts were removed at birth. Paul Bettany - Considering his character is so one-dimensional and unsympathetic, Bettany does a good job. Achieving some small pathos as the albino assassin-monk and delivering lines in Latin with a decent accent for the entire film. Not too sure about the dodgy contact lenses, but, hey, that's the effects department's fault. Al Molina - Great performance from a very underrated actor. Far improved from his pitiful Doctor Octopus in Spiderman 2, Molina conveyed a pretty good sense of religious power doing everything it can to maintain a rigid grip over the sheep it leads. Ian McKellen - OK. Where do I start. This film degenerated into comedy whenever he was on screen. Having seen McKellen on stage many times in the last 20 years I am disappointed that he now chooses some of the hammiest roles offered him in Hollywood. Better than Magneto in X-Men, not as good as Gandalf in Lord Of The Rings, his character in the book didn't come across at all as his interpretation on screen. I did fel, however that he does deserve some commendation for lightening this film, which would be truly turgid and sluggish without some comic relief which he supplied in buckets.
So, if you've read the book, you know exactly what to expect. If you haven't you'll be either a) Laughing out loud at the ridiculous premise of the entire story (If you know anything at all about the sorts of religious mythology and symbolism being served up here) or b) Bored out of your mind trying to remember who's good, who's bad, what's going on, what the symbolism means, wondering if you've missed something.
A great film for being true to the book, but as a stand alone movie, dull and uninspiring.
Happy Holidays (1978)
A fine example of 70's Euro erotica
Complete with dodgy soundtrack and terrible dubbing this is a classic of the genre.
If you can get to see this film, get some beers put your tongues in your cheeks and enjoy a piece of so-bad-it's-good porn.
The basic story is a girl called Claudia lives with her boyfriend in London. She wants to go and visit her family in Germany/Holland/somewhere in Europe with liberal pornography laws (there is a scene with a sex-shop which indicates somewhere porn is legal and available on the High Street).
She engages in a sexual encounter on the ferry on the way over, and then we see various members of her family also engaging in various activities, including a 'golden shower' scene.
Finally there is a big orgy when she gets back.
Great fun!
Get Carter (2000)
An appalling, over-sentimentalised, made-for-Americans piece of crap
Stallone's 'acting' - Terrible. Wooden, lacking emotion. Adding overtly sentimental 'family' scenes to a film that was supposed to be gritty and unpleasant just shows how the American film market is saturated with homogenised, heavily-censored twaddle.
I'm so angry after watching this pile of steaming dog diarrhoea that I can barely string together a coherent thought that doesn't need to be expressed purely as a scream of rage and frustration.
Anyone who thinks the remake is better than the original should be shot. I normally tolerate others' opinions, but as far as this film goes I'm as militant as an Islamic fundamentalist terrorist.
One of the worst films I've seen in my life.
Fantastic Four (2005)
A good comic book adaptation
Having been a fan and collector of comics for over 20 years this movie was something of a bugbear for me.
Would it be as dire and disappointing as Daredevil, as superb as Spiderman, as cack-handed as Captain America or as pitiful as The Phantom? Well, the answer is, it's pretty good. Whilst by no means a character study with the depth and emotion and lavish attention to detail of a Kubrick masterpiece it is a well-made, fairly restrained comic-book adaptation that brings the characters to life well (Michael Chiklis gets right under the rocky skin of Ben Grimm) and explores the usual 'superhero origins' with skill whilst remaining clear of getting bogged down in too many details.
The actual scripting is typical comic-book dialogue, which is always going to be slightly cheesy and full of one-liners, but isn't as bad as an Arnold Schwarzenegger film, the special effects are suitably impressive, and the cinematography suits the action genre well.
Now for the bad things. Ioan Gruffud as Reed Richards is really badly cast. His Reed Richards is awkward and geeky and science-obsessed before his transformation, but afterwards (at least according to the comic books) became a much more 'heroic' figure, with a more typically macho outlook. Unfortunately this doesn't translate well in the film and he appears to remain as limp as he ever was. Also, the final scrap with Vic V. D. is confusing and short and the end of the film comes so abruptly that I was genuinely surprised that it had finished.
All in all, more right with it than wrong, and one of the better comic book films. Up there with X-Men 1 and Spiderman.
Can't wait to see Superman now!
Shanks (1974)
A curious movie.
I saw this movie as a child of about 10 and found it to be a bizarre but fascinating story.
The mute puppeteer who has to express himself through marionettes and can only voice his feelings through the manipulation of dolls has a similar feel to the John Cusack character in 'Being John Malkovich' (with the exception of the muteness, obviously) and the story unfolding in what appears to be the real world, but is in fact some strange fantasy world that only resembles the real world in looks, is a fine example of Good vs. Evil (tm).
Some slightly scary scenes here, though, particularly, as I recall, one involving a rooster or chicken can make this unsuitable for young or easily disturbed viewers.