art-miller Reviews

Leave the World Behind (2023)

100 percent waste of your time

[1/10 · 1 January 2024]

Please ignore the positive reviews from youngsters who seem to have no idea what a good film actually is.

This is garbage from start to finish. All very meaningful with lots of philosophical claptrap that will appeal to the airheas who are taken in by the end of the world propaganda that is shoved down our throats every day.

We get some set piece action sequences followed by boring very badly written talk talk talk. Bit like The Walking Dead. Bits of exciting stuff then endless talk.

Did Julia Roberts only agree to do this for the money and because it was produced by her mates, the Obamas...!!!!?

The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry (2023)

Sickening Over Sentimental. Mills & Boone tripe

[1/10 · 8 May 2023]

If you ask an old woman from the local church who is obsessed with Mills and Boone trash and ask her to write a screenplay this is exactly what you get. The film was sickening. The sentimentality was larded on with a builder's shovel. It was the worst film I have ever seen so I imagine this book is worse. I cannot understand why Broadbent agreed to appear unless it was to top up his pension. The book and film are the definition of woke. Pathetic religious or whimpy characters talking like that rubbish you read in greeting cards: be the person you want to be. Make rainbows every day to inspire others. Nonsense on an epic scale. Avoid the book...but don't go anywhere near the film.!

Top Gun: Maverick (2022)

This is in my Top Five...

[1/10 · 20 July 2022]

This is in my Top Five......worst films I have ever seen.

Where do I begin...? This is teenage airhead nonsense. Made for video game enthusiasts who spend hours online playing shoot 'em up games. Endless explosions and huge noises battering you from every side at volume 11. Flashing lights and bursts of flame. Great if you're addicted to all that.

The testosterone-charged macho gung ho male posturing in this film is archaic. Surely we have moved on from watching steroid pumped men puffing out their chests and shouting at each other to show who's got the biggest dick.

And it is obvious from this pantomime start that all these rock hard jocks who hate each other will end up in saccharine male bonding by the end of the film. Hugging each other accompanied by insipid violin music. Oh, god.....it was nauseating...!

I'm not going to rant about the ham acting throughout as that goes with the territory of American films like this. Tough guy college boys who have just discovered alcohol and girls for the first time, over excited and loud mouthed trying to establish their place in the chimpanzee pack.

This film is so slow. We have to have a simpering love interest, of course, with lots of meaningful silent staring at each other. Feel the lurve, people... And more cheap, off-the-shelf orchestral whining to go with it. The whole 130 excruciating minutes stank of cheese...

The plot... Almost forgotten until the end when we have all the noise and flames and empty CGI sprinklings that fail to add anything convincing to this tasteless mush.

Ed Harris is wasted. Val Kilmer's role is hilarious. Tom Cruise plays Tom Cruise.

The script is dire, written by a sixth-form student who has never seen a genuinely good films in their short lives.

Americans in general have no idea what a good film is. You only have to look at the 'movies' they churn out. But I am surprised that British audiences still fall for the hype that launches US films. This is a bad film on every level: script, acting, pace etc...

I defy anyone over, say, twenty five to convince me otherwise. This is a kids' film. Flash bang wallop my dad's bigger than your dad I can drink you under the table anytime, buddy, and I can pull the girls...

Empty. Vacuous. Dull. And superficial in the extreme.

.

West Side Story (2021)

I wanted to like it...but...

[4/10 · 14 December 2021]

It's a good film if you are under fifty. But 20 year old kids simply won't get it. Not enough swearing and blood and guts for them.

And from other reviews from the ignorant youth age group it is clear they have no idea this is Shakesepeare's Romeo and Juliet.

A pointless remake of one of cinema's greatest films of all time.

The cast lack charismath the energy of the original is missing.

Gangster Squad (2013)

A kid's film. A joke. A cartoon

[2/10 · 29 November 2021]

If it were not for the comic book violence this could be a kid's film.

The shoot outs are laughable Keystone Cops nonsense.

Sadly the film features an excellent cast....all wasted.

Don't waste your time.

Beckett (2021)

As bad as any film can be -- and then worse...

[1/10 · 29 September 2021]

I have only just read that this David Washington is the son of the excellent actor Denzil. What...!!? The son simply cannot act and has zero camera appeal. He is washed up as an actor if this is the best he can do.

Having said that, this is a low budget student B-movie obviously. It has to be a joke. Surely no one involved in this had any previous experience in the movie business. They must have made this as part of a college course.

From the very first minutes I could tell this was a cheap dud: The title sequence was bargain basement as was the accompanying music. Like something you hear in a lift. In fact, there is very little incidental music in this mess, just a few blips and bloops that add nothing to the attempts at tension.

Young Washington is totally out of his depth, stumbling around holding his arm with a blank as porridge stupid look on his face. We have to endure too-long close-ups which presumably the director thought would add pathos or audience sympathy...but are just annoying. Move on...!

The script is laughable. The locations drab. The story...ha ha ha...What story?!

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. Ignore the positive reviews written by teenagers who have nil experience of watching real films with intelligent scripts and actors who actually know how to act and with an original music score.

I only sat through this dross as my wife insisted. I checked my emails and news updates throughout...!

Cruella (2021)

Worst Disney film of all time. Avoid

[1/10 · 30 May 2021]

You first have to ask yourself....who is this aimed at? No adults will go. No boys will go. It is only suitable for 14 year old girls. If that...

This is a car crash of a film. Inept on every level. The script writer, editor and actors must all be held responsible.

The script is so bad. The two clowns in the film for instance are not given a single half amusing line. There are lines obviously intended to be funny that miss their mark by a mile. A sixth for drama student might have done better.

The editing is bizarre with many instances of dead time...nothing happening at all whoever was responsible should go back to film school.

Of course, the most annoying thing about this mess is the dreadful Emma Thompson who on the evidence of this characterture of a performance should retire closely followed by Emma Stone. The leading lady without a shred of talent . And don't mention Mark Strong. Did he have a mortgage to pay?

Who decided on a running time of two and a quarter hours has no idea of the attention span of fourteen year old girls... should have cut it in half...and still been too long.

Of course, with a film this bad the answer is to shoe horn in a pop song every five minutes to try to inject some pulse of life. Failed again as those 14 year old won't have a clue who the Rolling Stones and Beatles are. And Lennon must be turning in his grave alongside Brian Jones at their music appearing in this worst of all films.

Do not go anywhere near this. Unless you are a 14 year old girl. Take plenty of sweets.

Things Heard & Seen (2021)

Norton should be ashamed of himself for this

[1/10 · 11 May 2021]

James Norton should be utterly ashamed of himself for appearing in this appalling film.

Apart from the humiliating sexual self abuse scene in the shower he should be asking why he agreed to this. Did he have a mortgage to pay? The script: absolutely laughable. The acting: sixth form standard, if that.

Surely Norton is a better actor than this. But having seen this I will now always look more closely at anything in which he appears in future. Perhaps he is not as good as we all thought.

I won't go into great depth about how really dire this film is. I've already wasted precious life time watching it. But everyone...and I mean everyone involved in the making of this massive turkey....should question what they are doing in the industry. They all knew how bad this was going to be. All complicit in the crime of production.

Avoid like the plague.

Other reviewers have covered the ending. Suffice to say it is far worse than you can ever imagine. It's like watching James Norton's promising career going up in smoke...

Arrival (II) (2016)

Painful to watch. A long slog. Nonsensical.

[1/10 · 9 January 2021]

First off: i had to crank the volume up to 11 to hear any of the speech....and then got blasted by the sound fx and music. Why were they all whispering?

The aliens: octopuses. How how how could a fifty feet tall octopus design and build a complicated craft capable of traversing the universe? Ok, they might not have fingers but they would need to manipulate tiny components. Not with octopus testicles that's for sure.

The linguist is totally unbelievable. Nothing of her genius is explained. And what is all that weepy flashback nonsense...? And the last second forgotten phone call to China?

And the bomb in the saucer...? What...!

Give it a miss. Or sleep...

And So It Goes (2014)

So bad. So sweet. So sickening.

[1/10 · 21 December 2020]

Do Americans actually like films like this? Do they think this a a good film? A well written fim? With good acting? Are they that dim?

This is utterly appalling. Diane Keaton is a terrible actress. You can see her acting all the time. That stupid grin. The hand waving. Then we have to endure her singing. Or miming.

Michael Douglas should be ashamed of himself. Hang up your coat, pal. Think of your dad.

This is lazy film making in the extreme. Dull dull dull. Grumpy old man hates children and dogs and silly women. Within a merciful 93 minutes he lives children and dogs and light weight dim women. Oh, surprise there then.

Please don't waste your time on this sickly sweet purely American rubbish. Let them enjoy it if that's what they want. We have brain cells on this side of the pond.

The VVitch: A New-England Folktale (2015)

Excellent. Tense. Not a horror

[8/10 · 12 November 2020]

Stunning acting. Constant mood of threat. Period detail spot on.

People going on and on about it not having enough horror are way off bat. This is about religious fanaticism. Blind faith.

The only annoying part was the mumbled dialogue throughout making it impossible to understand.

Thought provoking. Disturbing.

Lost Girls (2020)

Inept script. Lacklustre story telling.

[2/10 · 9 April 2020]

I only watched this because i like Gabriel Byrne, a fine actor who has sadly not had an outstanding career. And here his talents are wasted on what used to be called a TV movie. In other words, done on the cheap and broadcast in the day for bored housewives to watch whilst doing the ironing.

The script is really bad. There is endless talking. No suspense. No involvement. No connection between the actors and the viewers. Nothing happens.

And if the police really were this unprofessional heads should have rolled. It was based on an actual case, but it doesn't feel like that as you watch this very short and very boring film.

I came away just feeling sorry for old Gabriel reduced to this... I hope they paid him well and he got new car or a decent holiday out of it...

Avoid at all costs. You can thank me later.

Their Finest (2016)

It's a kids' film....

[2/10 · 9 September 2019]

Written by sixth formers, with actors phoning in yawning performances, this is a turgid mess of a film.

Nothing works. Nothing hangs together. The clunky script lumbers along with blantant predictability. No chemistry between actors. Old Bill doing his usual old Bill thing. The scenes of war torn London straight out of a comic book. Gemma doing her best. Weird histrionics from some of the male actors.

And forced and unconvincing sentimentality with sickening emotional music swirling in when we don't give a damn about the plight of a single character.

The love interest is straight out of Barbara Cartland. It's a wonder anyone sat through this.

Ignore the glowing reviews. Anyone who thinks this is a good film has no idea what a good film really is. This is a film for teenagers who know nothing about the war....or cinema.

Avoid.

.

The Frozen Ground (2013)

Not bad, but it is disturbing.

[7/10 · 15 March 2019]

It is strange how TV series and films concentrate on murder all the time...and particularly on the murder of women. It does leave a bad taste in the mouth. There are some genuinely disturbing scenes here with women chained and mercilessly humiliated.

What is worse is then knowing that this is based on a real case. You almost rather it was fiction.

Cage does quite well in a desperate sort of way. Only gives us one half smile. throughout. This is appropriate to the subject.

Lots of gratuitous nudity.

And why, oh why, don't the producers of films check with their final edit than you can actually hear what the actors are saying...? I couldn't hear a word of dialogue in the sleazy bar.

So -- a couple of hours of entertainment about women getting slaughtered...

Weird...



....

No Escape (I) (2015)

Better than expected

[7/10 · 10 March 2019]

Not an Owen Wilson fan. No idea who Lake Bell is. Like Pierce Brosnan .

Film gets off to a stonking start, which is good. Didn't want to hang about waiting for the usual set up. We are soon up and running...literally. OK...some silliness along the way. Old Brosnan doesn't have much to do except talk in a funny accent. But apart from a talky bit three quarters in the action is non stop. Which is good, because I didn't have all night.

Get the popcorn and beers in. Don't tell yer mates Wilson is in it....and you can have 90 minutes of escapism.

You can thank me later.

....

Cold Pursuit (2019)

Fargo wannabe that fails miserably. Save your cash

[2/10 · 7 March 2019]

Where to begin...?

Firstly you have to question Liam Nesson's quality control when he agrees to make a film like this. Surely he doesn't need the money. He could back away from scripts like this now -- the Taken tough guy stuff has been done to death. He is better than that. To be honest, I thought he looked less than enthusiastic throughout this film.

OK. Whoever wrote this script and made this film is a big fan of Fargo -- the film and the TV series. There are too many similarities to list them all, but the snow, Denver, the multiple casual killings, the black humour etc etc.

But it is so blatant that it simply doesn't work. Yes, the humour is dark and the shootings are so frequent that you don't even blink. But it is not subtle and does not have a sense of craft about the writing. Meanwhile old Liam is sort of bumbling about in the background having little effect on proceedings.

Just to add to the mix they even shoehorn the usual obnoxious/ cute American kid into the film. Laura Dern is completely wasted. Could have phoned in her ten pages.

The villains are all comic book. The main drug dealer -- who we never see dealing or handling drugs in any way, -- Mr Viking, gives an hysterical pantomime performance that is so bad it tempts you to exit by the nearest door. He might have been good in his school plays, but there is no place for him in the movie business. Go get a real job.

I saw on another review that this is a remake. If that is the case then they should have let it moulder in its grave.

I return to my main point: Liam Nesson needs to very carefully consider his options for the future. Continuing down this vigilante role route is leading nowhere. Get yourself a new agent, pal. Start considering your reputation. Do you actually remember Schindler's List....?

Oh, and Fargo is brilliant and untouchable. Cold Pursuit is dull, predictable, annoying and disposable. Nuff said.....

..... ........

Perfect Stranger (2007)

Very very annoying...

[2/10 · 17 February 2019]

Watched this on tv last night....Feb 2019.

It has dated so badly. Everything about it looks ancient. The colour, the framing, the hair, the costumes...the damn acting...!

Willis is very annoying as always with that silly smirk painted across his face. Halle Berry simply can't act is only used for eye candy.....which didn't work on me.

But worst of all is the script which flops about like a piece of wet seaweed....here there and everywhere. No sense. No direction. No story you can follow.

And the ending....well.... I love my big tv so I couldn't put my floor through it....but this mess of a film deserved a good kicking. Go through two hours meandering and dripping all over the place. And then in the final five minutes attempt to stitch together a bunch of motives for some girl's murder and pin it on.....? I don't even know as I gave up watching.

I hate films that waste my precious time.

Guess I should have read the reviews....most of which seemed to get it right. Turkey.

...

Finding Your Feet (2017)

Turned out exactly as I expected.......

[1/10 · 23 March 2018]

When we are born we are allotted a finite time on this planet. Some even believe your days are literally numbered in some celestial log book. That being the case it follows that our time on this troubled planet should be used wisely. Therefore if you waste 111 minutes of your life watching this monumental cliche ridden over sentimental piece of cr*p you only have yourself to blame. The writer watched "Hundred Foot Journey" and "Best Exotic Hotel" and decided to join in. He leafs through his already well thumbed copy of the Oxford Dictionary of Pensioner cliches and decided to use all of them -- being a subscriber to the more-is-more school of thought. With a very old spade he then shovels in bucket loads of saccharine. He then wanted to balance this with tears... "hmmm..." he thought, "I must get those old codgers to leave the cinema weeping and wailing. That way they will think they have just watched a good film. They will tell all their decrepit friends and write glowing reviews on IMDB and I will be rich. No-one under 70 should see this film. No-one over 70 with one foot dangling over the abyss like me should watch it. Unless you want to see your possible future in the demented woman dribbling in a care home or the cancer diagnosis. These melodramatic over sentimental moments are painted in with broad brush strokes. No subtlety here. The big tragic reveal in Rome of a past love dying is laughable. The writer hasn't got a clue how to make a funny sensitive film. He has probably never seen a classic British film from the late fifties or early sixties. Has never studied French cinema. To be honest I reckon he has been to the Barbara Cartland school of scriptwriting. Whilst watching this turkey trot though almost two hours of wasted celluloid it is possible to predict every coming scene and worn out storyline. This film has the distinction of being one of the very few that I have watched...reluctantly in this case dragged along by a partner...where some scenes are so vomit inducingly cute I actually had to close my eyes. I did not want a memory of it imprinted forever on my grey matter. Mass pensioner dancing accompanied by ecstatic standing crowd clapping and whooping is apart from being unrealistic so cute as to be damaging to your mind and your stomach. No idea why slimmed down Spall is made to speak in a silly semi cockney accent. No idea why Joanna Lumley is even in the film unless her name on the billing brings in punters. Minimal work for her here. No idea why the action briefly shifts to Rome unless they just wanted to add a travelogue to this dog's dinner of film. Anyone who writes a 8, 9 or 10 star review of this film should be made to reveal their age and who is paying them to write reviews. When entering the cinema to see this film the following should be printed o your ticket: 'Your sick bag is located on the back of the seat in front of you'. So take plenty of tissues -- not for the "Oh, my god, princess Diana is dead...." phoney emotional tears, but to wipe your mouth after using the aforementioned bag. Don't say you haven't been warned...............................

45 Years (2015)

"Is that paint dry yet, dearest...?"

[1/10 · 19 March 2018]

You have to wonder why anyone thought it was a good idea to transfer this dead-in-the-water book to the big screen. You also have to wonder why two of our most respected actors would have even considered this turkey.

We are treated to a glimpse into the banal domestic lives of an old childless couple where nothing ever happens. That is until we hear about something that happened donkey's years ago.

Suddenly the wife is consumed by some kind of jealousy and proceeds to wander about aimlessly looking as if she's just been given a diagnosis of imminent death. Her husband staggers about also -- and here Tom Courtney over plays his part of a doddery old geezer, looking more like a recovering stroke victim.

And so it goes -- for ninety odd minutes. Nothing happens.

Apart that is from the most disturbing sex scenes you will ever see in a film. If you want to see two 70-odd year old people attempting to have sexual intercourse then this film is for you. For the rest of us we reach swiftly for the sick bag.

I suppose the director was going for the laid back arty look of continental cinema. The difference is that in those films something usually happens -- and the characters are at least likeable.

These two old codgers are totally boring. You do feel like slapping the pair of them.

I have great respect for both actors but would love to ask them what they were thinking when they agreed to this sleep inducing snore fest.

Avoid at all costs.

How anyone who is not being paid to say so considers this a film-of-the-year is beyond me. Those glowing reviews are suspect.....

.......

Hacksaw Ridge (2016)

Comic book reality. They deserved better...

[1/10 · 5 February 2017]

Although we have only just nudged our way into February I nominate this as a contender for Worst Film of 2017. It might even win.

This is a film of two halves. In fact the transition between one and the other is so abrupt that you could be forgiven for thinking you are watching two different films. The first half is comprised of two acts.

Act 1 sees us in Disneyland with a saccharine sweet love story told as only the Americans can do with a plethora of sickly smiles, gleaming perfect white teeth, pretty pastel colours and every damn country boy and country girl cliché in the teenage book of dreamy heart fluttering romance.

Act 2 Army training camp. New wet behind the ears recruits and a sergeant major set on making men of them. Familiar territory. You know the score: the recruits will be wheeled out fully formed and ready labelled from the casting department.. The tough one. The farmer boy one. The handsome one. The oddly short one. The goofy one. And the evil one who from the off sets out to make our hero's life a misery. And the signpost also tells you that an hour down the line in this film they will be best buddies. The sergeant major now does what all sergeant majors do in every boot camp film you have ever seen he yells and screams bawls and bellows just half an inch from the face of every recruit. Of course he saves the best of his decibels for our hapless hero.

Turns out our hero doesn't want to carry a rifle he just wants to be a medic. So instead of congratulating him on this noble and potentially useful choice of army career he gets bawled out and they treat him like something the sergeant major scraped of the bottom of his size twelve boots.

But with the help of his demented dad and his pretty and expertly permed smiling gal our hero escapes a court martial. The gal gives her guy a bible. We saw that coming.

Part Two: Our hero and his buddies are gathered at the foot of a cliff. The only way up to Hacksaw Ridge is via a single wide rope ladder. Atop the ridge are approximately a quarter of a million Japanese soldiers. All is quiet. And you can't help wondering why those evil Nips (their term, not mine) haven't simply chopped down the rope ladder or why they are not massed along the top lobbing mortars and grenades down on the troops below.

But we have been assured at the start of this epic masterpiece that we are watching a true story so we have to accept that this is how it happened. But that rope ladder still bothers me.

However...the troops clamber up the ladder and they are on top of the cliff – and all hell breaks loose after a bombardment from some offshore guns.

Now let me state here that I have read about the battles against the Japanese for control of the Pacific islands and am fully aware of the terrible fighting that ensued. The Japanese fought with suicidal recklessness not seen since Medieval times. But in this film that fighting is presented in such an orgiastic way with almost pornographic detail of spilled entrails, pools of glistening blood, severed limbs, decapitated heads, mangled half torsos and spaghetti shredded legs that the suspicion is that the director and writers have intentionally set out to out-gore every war film that has gone before. Every time a soldier looks up a bullet neatly penetrates his helmet and skull. Every time there is an explosion three men are catapulted into the air by some clever hidden device. And then there is more blood and guts and half- men screaming for their moms.

The tidal wave of Japs overwhelms the US soldiers and miraculously they all escape down the one rope ladder. It's not shown how they get their wounded down there but hey ho... What of our hero...? Well he is still up top – now alone with the dead and wounded that have been left behind. A few Japs take some pot shots at him but then they all disappear back to their tunnels for some chow.

Leaving our hero free to drag the wounded to the cliff edge. This is an heroic task in itself but now he has to get them to safety. He proceeds to lower them down the two hundred feet sheer cliff face. Actually there are only two blokes down there, smoking and chewing the fat. But they do a sterling job sending the wounded back to camp. Oddly no-one thinks to send a soldier or two – or twenty – up the trusty rope ladder to help our hero. They just hang around below waiting for the next dangling hospital candidate.

And so it goes on. When our exhausted hero does eventually fling himself down with a rope there just happens to be scores of his buddies waiting for him. Shame they didn't have the balls to go up and help him. But they all line up cinematically so that our hero can be led away.

At the risk of upsetting the 'Special Relationship' we have with our pilgrim brothers and sisters on the other side of the pond – and I know my fellow countrymen will understand this – Hacksaw Ridge is just too American. A much better script and a British director would have delivered a subtle, more sympathetic film with less of your usual jingoism and more of the real drama and nuances of war.

This is a true story. A story of towering heroism. Real men fighting real battles. But in this mess of a film that story has been reduced to nothing more than a comic book reality. And all concerned deserved better than that.

Side Effects (I) (2013)

Did I just watch a different film...?

[1/10 · 31 August 2015]

Having read the many glowing reviews of this I realise I watched a different film.

So my review will be for a film called 'Side Effects' with Jude Law.

If you want to throw away two hours of your life then this is a must-see movie. It takes all of one hour and fifteen minutes to get to anything resembling a story. Prior to that all is pedestrian, plodding along at a lazy snail's pace. A girl is depressed. Takes tablets. Gets more mixed up from the side effects -- and does something crazy. Yawn. Yawn.

Jude Law copes with this in his usual dead pan way: he does what it says on the 'I'm an actor' tin. But reaching for the off button on the remote suddenly their is a glimmer of a story, albeit a tired twist that we must have seen dozens of times before. The remainder of the film seems to quicken its step, anxious to get to the end and get it all over with. Hurrah to that, I say...!

Any film that requires a ten minute flash back to explain the oh-so- clever twist reveals nothing more than very lazy film making and a director/writer team that would do well to go back to film school...or at least study the masterpieces they are attempting to copy.

As with many disappointing films I really resent being led down the 'just-stay-with-it-and-we-promise-it-will-get-better' garden path only to find at the end I have wasted two hours of my life.

Avoid avoid avoid. Go mow the lawn or toast some marshmallows on the fire.

..

Before I Go to Sleep (2014)

Money back, please..............

[1/10 · 4 June 2015]

This listing shows a length of 92 minutes but I reckon the DVD of this that I hired was not much over eighty minutes. So 'short- changed' was the phrase I uttered at the end of this -- together with, "What.....!?"

Now, with lovely Nicole and heart-throb Firth on board one would have expected something of a mini classic. So surprise surprise to find it is more of mini disaster.

The first twenty-odd minutes are somewhat intriguing and mysterious. Plenty on which to ponder as we are confused and then teased with the emerging details. But it soon becomes obvious where we are heading - - and who is the villain of the piece. This is not exactly a cerebral workout. I'm too bored still to go into detail. Suffice to say you will just need to sit there with your tipple of choice and let the film run its course.

The only disturbing feature of this film is the male on female violence as Fatty Firth gives fragile and vulnerable Nicole and good bashing towards the end.

Oh, and speaking of the end... What...?! The film simply fizzles out. Just as you expect a plot twist, a delicious screenplay tangent taking you into uncharted and unexpected story lines, the damn thing just ends. One of the weediest lazy yawn-enducing endings I have ever seen.

Left seriously short-changed and annoyed it leaves the viewer wanting to meet the director and insist that he attend a sixth form film- making class at the first opportunity. Snog marry or avoid...?

Avoid.

Insidious (I) (2010)

Nonsense. Dated. Lazy. Clichéd.

[1/10 · 4 June 2015]

OK. If you are aged over twelve obviously you won't be reading this review as this is a children's film...so this review is directed at the kids.

Wow, children...you are going to love this. It begins with some clichéd bog-standard off-the-shelf stock horror movie music which sets the scene. Then we have the actual title appear in scary Hammer Horror style (sorry, you are too young to understand that reference.)

The hammy block-of-wood performances from all involved will not bother you as you will not have yet understood what real acting looks like. And the so-called storyline won't trouble you either as it moves along predictably like one of your Enid Blyton books.

Look out for some well-signposted scary bits. You will know well in advance as the music will get really tense with lots of screechy violins. Get ready for a loud bit when the director hits you with something sort of dark; it might make you jump so hold on tight to your mum's hand. She might be asleep at this point so wake her up and tell her something happened.

About two thirds of the way through it will go into an amusing final third where everything is what we call spooky and blurry with a man wandering about in a mystical place called 'Further'. He has a torch which in true horror film style he shines mostly in his own face. This might be the time to ask your mum if you can have an ice cream.

When I foolishly watched this film this is the point I left the cinema for refreshment....and never came back.

Just be sure to tell your mum if you intend to do the same.

Stick to Disney, kid. Probably scarier than this.

Olympus Has Fallen (2013)

This has to be a joke...

[1/10 · 4 June 2015]

Someone is having a laugh....and after wasting two hours of my life on this tosh it ain't me, buddy.

Firstly, technically this film is appalling. It is so dark and gloomy it is almost impossible to see what is happening.

Secondly, the sound is dreadful. I cranked up the volume and got plenty of background noise, but the voices of these fine actors never penetrated the aural murk.

The writer obviously had the encyclopedia of clichés close at hand when writing the script. As soon as we see the mentally scarred body guard mooning around in a dejected oh-woe-is-me kinda way, miserable in a desk job, we know he is going to be the shining hero of the film. And we are not wrong.

All the villains are off-the-shelf from the Nasty Character section of Walmart. All the US army bigwigs are totally impotent, of course -- leaving the way open for Teflon Man to kill everyone in sight and save the president.

If it had of been listed as a comedy I might have chuckled -- as it was I cursed all the way back to my car. And got an earful from my wife who demanded compensation in the form of an expensive meal out.

Save yourself, men. Give in to your wife and go see a rom-com. It will result in less marital strife.

Eagle Eye (2008)

Do not waste your time or money.....

[1/10 · 29 May 2013]

This has to be one of the worst films of all time. And Billy Bob Thornton needs questioning as to why he got involved in this nonsensical load of cinematic tosh.

It's all flash bang wallop noise car smashes explosions and no understandable content. CGI really has ruined so many potentially good films.

But there is no way this was ever going to be a good film. And it is fatally flawed in it's storyline -- if that's what you can call it. I won't go into detail as that would involve spoilers and I don't think many of you read the reviews with spoilers. i don't as I don't want the details of a film to be seen before possible viewing.

But you have been warned: do not waste a minute of your life on such lazy film making.