plato-42119 Reviews

The Pentagon Wars (1998 TV Movie)

Very funny but COMPLETE FICTION, Colonel Burton was a fraud and liar

[5/10 · 26 August 2024]

Very entertaining movie but the man who was portrayed as the protagonist, Colonel James Burton, was a complete fraud and liar. Many of the things in his book and in this movie based on his book did not happen, and the things that did happen are grossly mischaracterized by Burton.

For a good summary look up Lazerpig's youtube video "Colonel James Burton is a pathological liar: The Bradley Wars"

The Bradley infantry fighting vehicle was not designed to exclusively an armored personnel character. It has proven itself repeatedly in combat including in Iraq and Ukraine. Burton had other pet military weapons he obsessively promoted (while being laughed at) and wished to downplay competing solutions like the Bradley.

In short, very little of this movie is based on reality. But it is funny, just understand it's a work of complete fiction.

Streets of Fire (1984)

Famous actors we love in a simplistic cringeworthy plot

[3/10 · 4 June 2024]

Hard not to love the 80s nostalgia and shades of greaser-noir but the end result is a incomprehensible fever-dream that you will have to suspend most cognitive faculties to get through. The dialogue and writing are worthy of comic books and not much else. Your 13 y/o male ID might giggle while the rest of your brain is lamenting nothing that is going on makes any sense at all.

I'm thankful I missed this flick growing up and wish I had missed it as an adult. Luckily William Defoe and other actors through muddled through this script went on to do great things later so maybe there's a bright lesson for all of us in this mess.

The Maze Runner (2014)

A biting and profound take on modern Russia

[10/10 · 25 September 2023]

This movie is kind of confusing and incoherent until you realize it's a biting dark satire of Putin's Russia. Everyone is in pain, all the time. Everyone dies, for no reason, all of the time. Everyone has learned helplessness, all the time, although that is clearly redundant.

"We are trapped here, and we can make it out of here." Again the authors are trying to be metaphorical but clearly they are talking about dystopialand RUSSIA.

Unfortunately you cannot escape the maze, although we are cheering for your trying. When the spider monsters come out they're even a little fas-crosseyed like Putin.

Play this movie in history class, finally someone gets it.

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)

Another greenscreen cartoon ("gartoon?") that is pretty good in spite of itself

[5/10 · 31 August 2023]

This movie was fun and the writing was mostly pretty good. But like so many recent movies they've given up on any semblance of being live action and everything takes place in an obvious computer's imagination, stripping any sense of immersion. Producers thing, our special effects scenes won't look real so we'll just cover that by making the entire movie unrealistic. Great, you didn't make live action, you made a gartoon. For some genres like action and esp horror, making a cartoon or gartoon just isn't the same. The movie industry has collectively lost it's way.

How to do better?

1) Do lots of real live outdoor scenes to break the feeling of being stuck in a computer's imagination.

2) Don't do a dumb little filter over the top of everything thinking you're hiding how cheap your special effects are, that just makes it worse.

Movie industry, show yourself out.

If this movie had been made in 1985 with the exact same plot and writing it would have been 8 instead of 6 out of 10. The movie industry is BAD these days.

The chase scene with car and cart next to each other was especially terrible, the physics were all completely wrong, it should have had yakety sax playing it was so bad. What producer/writer/graphics department was bad enough to do that? 9 year olds were rolling their eyes it was so bad.

Organ Trail (2023)

Great cinematography and solid acting ruined by excruciating plot holes

[1/10 · 20 May 2023]

So many "wait... what??!?" points in this movie. Why did nobody say anything when the read the script, they really decided it was ok to go with *this?!!* Too bad because it's visually an interesting movie and the actors all seem really solid.

Maybe with any luck we'll get a rifftrack out of this movie. I'm just surprised nobody raised their hand and said "guys we have a plot hole you could drive a mack truck through, we should do something, anything differently in this part... and this part... and then this part..."

Maybe the editor could have saved the film by simply cutting out 2 mins of craziness at about 42 minutes in.

Overall this movie could have been so much better..

Oh and film classes, can we have a name for the dumb movie trope where the guy with the gun doesn't know the difference between a knife and a gun and stands 2 inches away from the person they're planning on shooting. That is not how guns work, nobody in 300 years has misunderstood that if you have a gun you do not get within stabbing range with it because it is a gun, not a knife.

RoboCop (1987)

This movie made me realize Paul Verhoeven is a god

[8/10 · 27 March 2023]

This mark's the second famous director (after Quentin Tarantino) that after consuming enough of his work I've flipped from loser to genius. Maybe it's like a drug, you have to consume enough before you've given up hope and fully embrace?

After seeing only portions of basic instinct I assumed Paul Verhoeven was a joke and the most craven of humans. Sure he remains completely craven, but he has embraced in gleeful grossful fashion mankinds biggest indulgences and proclivities.

Everything is impressively over the top in Verhoeven's movies, in almost cartoon, or archetype, fashion. The gleeful mocking of societal excesses and norms underlying the plots and premise, bring a subtle marinated subtext to his movies, that once consumed leave a pungent, addictive aroma.

The Villain (1979)

Simple movie with simple physical comedy that makes pleasant background noise

[6/10 · 14 March 2023]

Not deep and not laugh out loud funny but charming in its own way. This movie is saved by beautiful vistas and the star of the slapstick show, Whiskey the horse!

Yes this is a live action roadrunner movie. It's not deep and not fascinating but it's more fun to watch than most modern greenscreen fare.

Don't miss out on how Whiskey the horse is clearly the mastermind and instigator in a lot of the schemes. Don't miss out on Hollywood's cliché (of that era) native Americans played by Italians (of course).

And yes, a few of the physical jokes really land... most do not, but the big beautiful vistas, the light-heartedness, and big beautiful bosoms make this movie pleasant background noise.

Blast (1997)

Hidden die hard sequel, after John McClane got fired from the police force and became addicted to pet meds

[7/10 · 28 November 2022]

THEY MESSSED WITH THE WRONNNNG Janitor's SWIM TEAM!!!!

Who would be stupid enough to mess with elite cop turned washed out drug addict janitor??

Rutger Hauer (poor man's Dolf Lundgren) hands in an oscar-worthy performance telling everyone the hostages just can't be rescued, d***it, it's not worth even trying. You know who didn't hear you? John McClane the burned out janitor.

This movie is also gold for those that are into those dramatic drums with the super long reverb, top 300 movies that do that easy. Badum dum badum here comes the janitor, now here comes the bad guys Badum dum badum dummm.

Resident Alien (2021– )

Unexpected gem. Consider Alan Tudyk for best actor, shades of Peter Sellers but better

[10/10 · 25 September 2022]

Really surprised they were able to pull off this concept. Alan Tudyk somehow nails the confused alien sociopath character with hilarious and biting effectiveness. Writing is great and a surprising array of characters in the show deliver funny and memorable one-liners. Even when the show drifts from the main plot line it's intriguing and engaging. Special effects, while not the center of the show, are passable.

Alan Tudyk's character frequently engages in near-slapstick and somehow gets away with it.

There are few ways the show could be improved but I would love to see a bigger budget thrown at the show and have more outdoor expansive scenes with actors and not just use outdoor scenes for b-roll.

Overall, a great effort with quite a few fantastic actors and fantastic writing.

The Death of Stalin (2017)

Hard hitting historical documentary explaining past Russia, and present Russia under Putin

[9/10 · 17 April 2022]

This work represents the west's best understanding of history and outlines in vivid detail the proud history that proceeded Vladimir Putin and shaped his intellectual and military "prowess".

Mortal Kombat (2021)

One of the best action movies of all time, if you are familiar with the game series

[9/10 · 18 June 2021]

If you grew up on the Mortal Kombat franchise then this movie is a real treat. The writing and CGI are significantly above par in my opinion. The fighting scenes are good and occasionally give you chills. The violence is over the top, just like the game series. The movie throws in some comic relief (Kano) without becoming cheesy or breaking the suspense/intensity.

This is probably the best video game adaption I've ever seen. I would put this close to the Star Wars franchise for action/adventure/fantasy. Again, super kudos for the over the top violence which might offend some but for lovers of the video game series are likely to fill you with child-like glee. I found a few sequences I was so enthralled by I rewound them and watched them again. "Come over here!!!" made me squeal with joy a little bit.

A special shout out to the CGI team, this felt like 2021 levels of gorgeous graphics and special effects. The writing was... was better than I expected and muchhhh better than so many other video game adaptions.

This is a much-watch if you 1) really enjoyed the video game series. 2) love action/fantasy movies with horrific realistic violence

Don't watch if you're not really into on-screen decapitations *grin*

Kong: Skull Island (2017)

An enjoyable film despite director Jordan Vogt-Roberts' best efforts

[5/10 · 31 January 2021]

This movie has intriguing premise, loveable actors, and a fantastic budget and special effects and... they just barely pull it off.

There's an old adage, less is more. Jordan Vogt-Roberts has never heard of that adage. "Oh yea Kong's going to grab one of the helicopters and throw it like a football through another one of the helicopters, and none of the helicopters can fly above 1000 feet, it's going to be awesome."

Despite the frequent cartoonish insanity the film is pretty and ends up being an enjoyable romp. I mean, with the actors and the budget any adult who can read could have done better, but good job.

Outside the Wire (2021)

Meh writing greenscreen party

[5/10 · 20 January 2021]

The whole movie feels like it happened in a computer's head. Special effects are ok, writing is meh, lots of tired tropes get warn. It just never gets very interesting.

I'll round up to a 5 because of covid and nobody's really making media.

Good: Pretty good production quality although it feels like it's 100% greenscreen. Special effects are about a 5 out of 10.

Poor: Mindless writing and dialog although I've seen worse. Action scenes are pretty poorly conceived and choreographed. Nothing feels authentic about this movie.

Vedo nudo (1969)

Cute and funny film with adorable italian vistas. Somehow manages to be pervy and wholesome

[9/10 · 1 January 2021]

I really love this film, it has such a kind nature to it. Lots of lighthearted jokes and quirky people do quirky things, all while thinking about sex. The film grain is gorgeous as are a lot of films from this era, making 60s Italy seem like a surreal wonderland.

Mandingo (1975)

Was expecting "blaxploitation", instead witnessed an unimaginably jarring, yet insightful drama

[10/10 · 21 August 2019]

What the f did I just watch? This had to be one of the most uncomfortable movies I've ever sat through, yet perfectly elucidated the sickness of the old south and of other places worldwide where the slave trade flourished.

The storyline keeps you squirming uncomfortably the entire time. At no point is there even a hint of joy in the film, except perhaps when the german widower is examining the slave for sale (to be her sex toy) and perhaps Perry King's onscreen affection for his slave Brenda Sykes.

The full starts jarring, grows more and more uncomfortable, and ends in a depressing orgy of sadness and violence. This movie is not "exploitation" in any sense of the word, but a powerful, depressing drama that burns a hole in your brain.

A handful of far right conservatives have sought to whitewash slavery, and the American civil war. This movie brings all of that down to earth and perfectly elucidates how ugly slavery made slaveholders and society in the deep south.

Burn every confederate monument, this is the sickness that a brutal bloody war was fought to end.

Also notably, Quentin Tarantino was compelled by this film and obviously drew inspiration from it for his fun violent Django Unchained.

But, wow, Mandingo is something else. A great film but one of the most uncomfortable hour and 50 minutes I've ever sat through.

The Punisher (1989)

Someone filled all the enemies guns with blanks!

[3/10 · 13 August 2019]

Great movie for fans of looney tunes!

I'm a fan of b movies and camps and this one is borderline watchable. There are definitely a lot of enjoyable famous actors and I do enjoy Dolph's gritty depressed emotionless demeanor (although I'm not sure I've always felt he was right for some of the roles he was in). But the movie is so absurdly unrealistic it ruins it a bit for me. Inevitably 10 guys with machine guns can't hit dolph even at 20 feet. Is there a gravitational distortion field? Maybe he's a projection from another universe? It simply makes no sense and it's not anymore an "action" move than a bugs bunny cartoon is. And lots of terrible annoying hollywood tropes appear elsewhere in the film (yes I know this is a German film), like the bad guy that doesn't know the difference between a gun and a knife and therefore tries to hold one of the good guys at gunpoint mere inches away which naturally leads to him simply handing his gun to the protagonist. But then again maybe he saw the first half of the movie and realizes he's a baddie and therefore his gun doesn't work.

In the end this movie is watchable but it definitely feels like a horrifically violent action movie that's aimed at 15 year old males, where nothing is thought out and on screen fireworks rule the day. It ends up being a wholly unsatisfying forgettable affair.

After Darkness (2014)

Intriguing premise ruined by a film that ends up centering around the father's mental illness

[3/10 · 21 January 2019]

I had high hopes for this film, sounded like an interesting premise. Instead terrible writing combined with a low budget created an absolute snooze fest with contrived unrealistic interpersonal drama substituting for any real action or plot line. By the end of the movie you are hoping at least half of the family won't survive, they're so g'dmned annoying and stupid.

Most of the movie centers around the "family" that basically hates each other hanging out in the house waiting to die. The worst part of the film is that they DO NOT.

The Last Scout (2017)

Too long but def woth watching for space horror types!! Deep at times

[8/10 · 9 February 2018]

As someone else said this movie is so much better than it's getting credit for. Yes it should have at least half an hour of the more boring parts cut out. The special effects at times are kind of poor. Most of the plot issues can be easily explained away, like why is everyone so angry at each other? Maybe there's a minor leak of something toxic making everyone agro or maybe everyone is just really rattled by all of humanity being nuked. Parts of that should definitely be cut, in fact some enterprising video editors could fix the movie in a snap. What's the opposite of a director's cut? But the movie did give me the lost-in-space creepies even if only a fraction as much as Pandorum did. I think a lot of people who hated it didn't like how dark it was and how ridiculously combative everyone was on it. Put in a news clip at the very beginning explaining away how long range space travel makes a tiny percentage of people very crazy. With a few bandaids and half an hour cut this could go from a good movie to a great one.

But the hiccups didn't bother me much at all and almost every plot point seemed imminently plausible. The movie is just too damned long and slow at a few points, someone get in there and fix it for us.

If you like dark space horror you might like this movie a lot like I do.

Occupants (2015)

Note the 100s of fake 8 star reviews on IMDb...So bad couldn't make it through.

[2/10 · 7 November 2017]

I have to admit this movie was so simple and boring I only made it about halfway through. Looking at the IMDb reviews it seems obvious there are 100s of fake 8 star reviews.

This movie is mostly 2 actors in 3 rooms talking. Glad I shut it off and saved an hour of my life.

Smartass (2017)

Strong performance by Joey King ruined by Jena Serbu's asinine writing

[3/10 · 13 September 2017]

**Spoilers**

So the protagonist, 15 y/o "Freddy" brings together two rival gangs, one of which wanted to gang rape her until she escaped, to rob another passing stranger that wronged her. And this after walking all night. And witnessing a murder and multiple shootings. And smoking crack for the first time.

Jena Serbu's the one smoking crack.

Alien: Covenant (2017)

Ridley Scott sh*ts in his own pool, thereby assuring nobody else will ever make an alien movie

[8/10 · 10 August 2017]

Contains spoilers:

I love scifi and find any scifi movie with a decent budget to be watchable and enjoyable as do many scifi fans. That is the one and only explanation for the OK ratings of Alien Covenant, a movie where Ridley Scott proudly burns his own franchise to the ground so that nobody else ever dare touch it.

First the petty stuff... while the graphics are pretty and the alien world is foreboding, the over-reliance on computer graphics significantly detracts from how scary and foreboding the "aliens" are. Where in previous alien movies the aliens had a gestation period, you know, like a normal life form subject to the laws of physics, now they are completely separated from all reality. They look like computer sprites, they bounce around like computer sprites, the eat face like computer sprites, and they gestate in nanoseconds like computer sprites. Everything about the way the "aliens" move on screen screams out you're watching a cartoon and that the evil aliens are no more than figments of imagination and of graphic artists. Certainly, this is the way of the world, everything is animated and everything is less satisfying and less scary because of it, but what are we going to do, make a model and drip ketchup off of it so it looks more real? No, we'd rather spend billions on computer sprites that convince nobody and move like phantoms that are beyond the laws of physics. In fact, were you to watch the 86 Aliens and this movie back to back, you'd be surprised at how much better and more convincing the special effects were.

Ridley Scott apparently has alzheimers and forgot the first Alien movie revolved party around a malfunctioning synthetic organism that was there to help the crew. Ridley Scott came up with this incredible idea for a movie shortly before creating Alien Covenant, what if we had a malfunctioning synthetic organism that was supposed to help but turned evil? Nobody in his inner circle has gumption to stand up and say "sir this plot seems oddly familiar."

But the real reason God will probably give Ridley Scott herpes is... the alien is now not an alien but a biological weapon?? Are you f'cking kidding? Do you know how non-scary that is? Do you know how not- scary that makes the entire franchise, all the old alien movies, all the video games... oh it's not actually an Alien, it's a biological weapon created by a malfunctioning synthetic which is totally an original idea I came up with right before I made this movie. I just don't even... what a joke of a human, what a joke of a director.

Cat Sick Blues (2015)

Not for those with a weak stomach

[10/10 · 30 October 2016]

If you are like me and can separate make believe carnage from real life carnage, this movie is a real treat. The protagonist is a lovely female who posts popular cat videos on the internet. She gets in a bit of pickle when she finds love from an unexpected male consort.

Absurdly demented and thoroughly gut wrenching--you have to keep telling yourself it's only ketchup it's only ketchup it's only ketchup.

Both a novel concept and horrendously dark, I give 10 out of 10 dismembered cats on this one. Only for the horror aficionado and those into dark soul-crushing irony.

Bravo, blood-splattered champion, bravo.