the_doctor Reviews

Death Wish (1974)

Classic Bronson

[15 September 2003]

This was the film that Charles Bronson will be most remembered for - nobody else could have played his role in quite the same way. His style was distinctive, and the man of action and few words fitted the bill perfectly. The plot is simple and gets off to a rather slow start, but is worth bearing with as Bronson turns from liberal-minded architecht into cold blooded vigilante.

Almost every scene in New York is desolate, devoid of scenery, carefully shot to show an empty shell of a city. There is very little dialogue, but no dialogue is needed - for Bronson, actions speak louder than words. Yes, there is a politcal agenda to Michael Winner's direction - but who really wants to empathise with the muggers and the rapists anyway?

Some have argued that Death Wish II is a better film, but this was the original and needs to be seen first. This is where the legend began, Bronson never looked better.

Police Academy (1984)

Better than its successors

[29 August 2003]

"Who made Steve Guttenberg a star?" sing the stonecutters, a secret masonic cult that Homer joins in a famous episode of the Simpsons. The implication, I think we can all work out, is that Mr Guttenberg, the star of the early police academy movies, isn't particularly talented. Meanwhile a young Kim Cattrall puts in a wooden performance as his love interest that's still better, and arguably more highbrow, than her sex and the city days.

Whether or not you hold this to be true, the acting talent of Guttenberg and his fellow cadets isn't really important, because the crude (but often funny) jokes themselves are the true stars of the show, from mix-ups at gay bars to oral sex performed in the most unusual of locations, this first installment of the police academy series is a lot more 'adult' than later films. It's also a lot funnier.

Without giving too much away, the scene with the horse is undoubtedly one of the funniest moments in 80s comedy.

Gigli (2003)

A cinematic triumph

[12 August 2003]

A breathtaking, truly moving effort from the guy who plays Jay and Silent Bob. Some great acting by ben affleck and jennifer moped only sealed the deal. don't let others put you off.

The cameo by Al Pacino was particularly good.

Ice Angel (2000 TV Movie)

it's like trying to kick a puppy!

[12 April 2003]

Ever heard the critics' expression, "trying to give this movie a bad review is like trying to kick a puppy?" Well, it's most certainly true here. Make no mistakes, this is a bad film - the plot goes far beyond the realms of the improbable whilst somehow fitting in every cliché going as hockey star Matt is killed and reincarnated as a female ice skater.

The first half of the film concentrates on Matt's gender dysphoria as he tries to adapt to life as a girl, which is handled in a light hearted and, dare I say it, funny way. The second half of the film advances the plot as Matt/Sarah tries to make it as a figure skater.

This is mindless, made-for-tv viewing, but as I said at the start of this review, it's got a certain naive charm and a great feel-good factor that makes this a watchable film, although the fact that I was too far gone to change channel probably helped. Though I wanted to, I couldn't find it in myself to actually dislike this movie.

Even though it's spliced throughout with five minute no-dialogue-just-song montages to pad it out, the charm of this movie alone carries it through and above the drudgery of daytime TV. Watch this if you want to while away a bored hour and a half, it's a 'bad' film, but its not a bad film to watch.

American Psycho (2000)

not quite hip to be square

[15 March 2003]

This had all the ingredients of being a good film - sadly, it turned out to be anything but. I'm sure you'll hear this a lot, but this is genuinely one occasion where you'd be mad not to take my advice to read the book that this film is based on instead.

The film changes the book to suit its purpose and Bateman, the wall-street yuppie and psycho of the title, is turned from an engaging character deep in existential angst into nothing more than a comic-book killer. The idea behind the book was that in spite of his detestable behaviour, the reader is forced to engage with more with Bateman than his shallow friends. In the film, Bateman's actions and psychology is never explained, leaving a sub-par slasher flick laced with heavy handed satire about the supposed greed of the late 80s.

That isn't to say the film doesn't have its good parts. Christian Bale is extremely convincing as Bateman, and it's only a shame that he was working to a poor script and poor direction at the hands of feminist director Mary Harron, who emasculates the book and turns it into a feminist critique of male mysogynism. Major yawn. To exemplify, in the film, it is a subject of some argument whether the murders are all in Bateman's head, but in the book the murders are very vivid and very real.

However, the sets are excellent (if a little too modern for a period piece) and there are some great moments of comedy which shine through the heavy-handed adaptation, and it's worth watching for these reasons alone. Legend has it that Bret Easton Ellis wrote a screenplay for this film himself, but it was rejected. The only question is - why? He was the only person who could have done this film justice.

This film is a hit and miss -- but mostly miss.

Mummy Raider (2002 Video)

Dire or funny? (*minor spoilers*)

[14 March 2003]

Could this be the worst film ever? Well, I'm sure if I had bothered to watch the whole excruciating film without hitting the fast forward button, I'd say yes. As it is, it's really rather funny in a pathetic way if you throw your DVD player onto ultra-fast-forward and watch as the 'heroine' is chased round by lesbian nazis and mummies with enormous, erect bandaged penises.

We watched this film for a laugh, and we got it. But just one laugh, mind you - the joke wears thin very quickly. Glad I didn't pay for it.

Croupier (1998)

a brilliantly engaging film

[14 March 2003]

I first saw this film at the Tyneside Cinema, Newcastle as part of a double feature with Get Carter - both films being directed by Mike Hodges. I wasn't sure what to expect. Hodges was behind 'Get Carter,' in my opinion the greatest most realistic gangster-flick of all time. He was also behind 'Flash Gordon'.

Fortunately, Croupier fell in the category of being more like the former than the latter - a gritty, urban tale about very ordinary, mundane people just doing their job. Hodges turns on the magic, however, making the life of Jack Manfred, struggling writer and part-time Croupier as complex and as multidimensional as any character I've ever seen, as he is sucked into London's gaming underworld.

This is a great film - I can't tell you too much or I'll spoil it, because this one twists and turns and doubles back on itself like a rattlesnake in a sack. Clive Owen is fantastic as the emotionless, stony faced Croupier, and the supporting cast is always believable.

This is a low budget film, with minor stars and functional sets, but the quality of the writing, acting and directing shines through and I only loved this film more when I saw it again on cable pay-per-view. I now own it on video and it's one of those few films which holds my highest accolade - it's worth watching again, and again. If you enjoyed 'Get Carter' (1971), get this.

Can't Buy Me Love (1987)

classic 80s comedy - for those into that sort of thing

[8/10 · 14 March 2003]

I loved this film, but I admit it's a love it or hate it sort of flick - a high school nerd wants to be cool, so he pays a cheerleader to date him for a while, but he becomes too arrogant and it all comes crashing down around him, and I think you can work out how it goes from here.

It's a classic 1980s teen film, perhaps comparable to 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' or the 'Revenge of the Nerds' series of films in its attitude and style, although the story is most similar to the more recent 'She's All That' starring Freddie Prinze Jnr and Rachel Leigh Cook. Having said that it could probably be compared to every teen flick devised in the last twenty years, although this one is more charming in its innocence and kitsch value than most more modern efforts.

Expect to be entertained, if not amazed by the quality of the acting or the scriptwriting. Watch this if you're in the mood for some light hearted (and light headed) comedy.

Threads (1984 TV Movie)

this is brilliant - it is not 'entertainment'.

[14 March 2003]

Terrifying. Quite simply terrifying in its realism, I managed to hunt down a copy of this film which so brilliantly emphasises the futility of nuclear war by concentrating on the lives of two families before, and after the event has happened.

While it's quite low budget, and probably quite alien to non-UK viewers, the images used in this film are truly horrifying and stay in the mind long after the final credits roll by.

In the style of a fictional documentary, the events unfold into wave after wave of heartbreaking, mind-numbing images of the aftermath of the bomb. This film is not for the faint of heart. If after watching this film you still think nuclear weapons are a good idea, you've been watching the wrong tape.

If you can find it, get this film. You will be appalled, not entertained - but you'll thank me for it.

Alfie (1966)

Caine at his best

[14 March 2003]

This is a wonderful film, and offers Michael Caine at his best as an ageing, bed-hopping cockney. While he seems a little typecast, as usual (there are some moments where you think Jack Carter is going to surface in his less pleasant moments), Caine really engages his audience with soliloquy-style monologues into the camera, providing a refreshingly honest narration.

In spite of a somewhat grey, interchangeable supporting cast, the film shows a dirtier, less glamourous side to London's 'swinging' sixties and in my mind, Alfie is a far more engaging, if less polished antihero than Sebastian Valmont (Cruel Intentions), the film I would most compare it with for content.

This is a great film, in spite of its dated look and style, and you can't help but be drawn into Alfie's emotional rollercoaster as he falls on his luck and, some might say, get what's coming to him. They don't make them like this any more.

Don't Go Breaking My Heart (1999)

dire chick flick (*spoiler*)

[2/10 · 5 January 2003]

Last night I had a flashback -- to a scene in a film in which a woman was hypnotised into liking "the Beach Boys" -- only it went horribly wrong and she ended up loving "the Bitch Boys". For some reason, I couldn't remember the name of this film, or anything else about it. In the end, I had to call up a friend, and he couldn't remember either. After half an hour of searching IMDB, we found this.

The reason, my friends, why neither of us could remember what this film was called was because it was so dire that we had erased it from our collective minds: utterly trite, poorly directed low-budget chick flick rubbish, this film set an all time low in the 'romantic comedy' genre -- and I've seen "You've got Mail" AND "She's all that".

In fact, if memory serves me correctly, it was the same girl who dragged myself and my friends along to see these aforementioned films as well, and my only advice to you as a reader of this review is to stay away from this utter stinker of a romantic comedy, unless you're a teenage girl with completely stereotypical delusions about 'ideal' relationships. Having an IQ of below 50 would probably also help, after all, it's the only way you're not going to see this ending coming.

On a brighter note, I also remembered how I got that scar on my left arm -- I remember now that this film was so dire the only way I avoided an excruciating death by boredom was chewing into my own arm for something interesting to do. Avoid this one: it's that bad, folks.