Xanthippe Reviews

Blade II (2002)

Good Grief, This Was Awful.

[2/10 · 1 April 2002]

I was sadly disappointed in Blade II. I wasn't expecting a stellar, groundbreaking movie, but I was expecting something like the first Blade was: a pretty decent action vampire movie.

Sadly, Blade's sequel was absolutely horrible. The dialogue hit unprecedented lows even for action movies, the plot was rather silly, and the "thrills" consisted of mere gross-outs, which weren't even effective. The most disturbing part of the movie was watching Wesley Snipes crack his neck.

Don't waste your time with this movie. Rent the first one instead, or see something else. This one's not fit to wash the first one's sandals.

Resident Evil (2002)

Well, well, well, what have we here?

[6/10 · 1 April 2002]

Looks like a zombie shoot-em-up! But the biggest surprise about Resident Evil was that it was actually a pretty good movie.

It wasn't all that suspenseful, but one of its many virtues is that it never talked down to the audience. The plot always remained under a veil, and the audience, along with the main character, never gets to see the whole of it together.

There's a fair amount of gore here.

Don't kid yourself. This is a zombie shoot-em-up. As such, it has pretty good dialogue, characterization, and plotting. Don't go in expecting something that will change the world, but do go in expecting a pleasant, mildly thrilling action flick, with lots of exploding bodies and bloodbaths.

Little Otik (2000)

Disturbing on SO Many Levels

[26 January 2002]

This movie was very, very disturbing. I can't help but noting that I would never voluntarily see this movie again, and even that I wish I hadn't seen it the first time.

On the other hand, I am forced to admit that it was a very good movie. The fertility imagery was a little TOO heavy-handed for my liking; I felt like shrieking "OKAY, I GET IT ALREADY!!!" about twenty minutes into the movie. But I suppose it all related to the theme, so it was okay.

The Otik-creature is also very disturbing, but the food scenes are probably the worst. I remember the food from my stay in St. Petersburg, and this movie was fairly accurate. Don't see it if you've recently eaten, or plan to eat at any time in the future. Ugh!

I think the movie would be classified as a dark comedy if it were American. As such it was extremely funny; the dialogue is quite witty and the acting is good. But the whole thing was just... disturbing.

Beware of violence; there are a few very bloody, graphic scenes. The nudity is nonsexual, so it's really not a problem even for prudish Americans like me.

Ocean's Eleven (2001)

Amazingly Slick.

[8/10 · 20 January 2002]

The actors are slick. The heist is slick. The costuming is slick. In fact, this whole movie is just, well, slick. What can you expect from a remake of a Rat Pack film?

George Clooney can only play affable crooks well. Look at O Brother, Where Art Thou. Look at Out of Sight. Look at From Dusk Til Dawn. All affable criminals, and all excellent. On the other hand, look at that travesty of a Batman movie, and see how George Clooney can really only play one role.

Fortunately, this movie has him in that role once more. And it's smashing.

The amount of male eye candy in this movie is astounding. At least three of the leads are extremely attractive. Men are less fortunate. Julia Roberts's upper lip is larger than her lower lip, which I've never noticed before; I can't help wondering about possible collagen implants. She plays a snotty little wench in this movie, without much character development, but then this movie isn't about the characters.

It's about The Heist, like all heist movies are. The mechanics of this one put some other movies of this type to shame, but it's all very slick. You never really worry about whether they'll pull it off, but seeing exactly how they do it is just as fun anyway.

Don't miss this one; it's extremely well-crafted, like all Soderbergh's pictures are.

Iron Monkey (1993)

Iron Chef, Ugly Virgin

[10/10 · 20 January 2002]

I can't believe how hard I laughed during this movie. I think it's one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. The corny dialogue is only part of the charm of "Monkey;" at least half the fun is the hammy acting.

The humor of this movie had to be intentional, it's clear. The wonderful scene with the fake beard, the laughable wives, and the cooking scenes? I mean, it's pure silliness.

Just a warning: If you don't eat right before you see this film, or, preferably, during the film itself, you will be starving afterwards. Be prepared to find a good Cantonese place near you, because practically every scene in "Monkey" has food in it.

I think a lot of people didn't understand the humor in this piece and didn't like it for that reason. It's... very broad and obvious, kind of like a cartoon for grownups.

Watch for a few particularly silly lines: "ugly virgin" is only one of them. Even the first few lines of the film are a gas. It tells us the province had been plagued by floods and warlords.

If you don't laugh at the idea of kayaking warlords, you really need a new sense of humor.

Charade (1963)

Delightfully Deft Touch

[9/10 · 20 January 2002]

Audrey Hepburn glows. Cary Grant oozes charm, as always.

This is probably my very favorite Grant movie, and my favorite Hepburn movie as well. She's bewildered, he's charming, and neither of them has been quite who they really are, but at least they're not Meg Ryan and ______ ________ (fill in the blanks here). I'm so sorry Hollywood doesn't turn out light, amusing little pieces like this anymore; they really should.

Finally, a movie that's clever without being ingenuous, twisty without being ridiculous, and funny without having a laugh track. I don't like being told when to laugh. Admittedly, the humor in "Charade" is fairly subtle. I laughed my brains out during the orange scene, and even the bit with the matches has its sadistic charm. The leads make a beautiful couple with beautiful voices, and the whole thing comes off as a sideswipe at Hitchcock: not precisely a parody, not precisely a homage, and definitely not a pale imitation.

Rent it. The groovy music and titles at the beginning are only the beginning.

The Court Jester (1955)

Don't Drink Soda During This Movie.

[10/10 · 20 January 2002]

It'll be out your nose in about three seconds.

Who can forget the immortal "chalice from the palace" scene? Danny Kaye was a master of physical comedy who will not soon be forgotten. But he could do the quick one-liners too, and was even better at looking uncomfortable and awkward than Hugh Grant. (And not many people can say that.)

They don't make movies like this anymore, and I for one am sorry about that. Of course, nowadays we don't have physical comedians that skillful, personable, or engaging.

If only!

Kate & Leopold (2001)

Beautiful Fluff

[7/10 · 20 January 2002]

Look, it's a Meg Ryan romantic comedy. It's not going to be anything particularly unusual for its type, but it's still a pretty decent little bit of fluff.

Hugh Jackman, as others have already mentioned, is beautiful. Meg Ryan's haircut, as others have also already mentioned, looks like a porcupine resting on her scalp.

The plot of this movie is the same as the plots of all the other Meg Ryan movies, although there are a few beautiful scenes, all of which feature Jackman, usually alone. Ryan's character seems unusually stupid in "Kate," and I'm starting to wonder why she always has to be clumsy. Is Ryan clumsy in real life?

Jackman is the soul of this film, and without him, it would be absolutely dreadful. With him, it's merely vaguely enjoyable. The ending is a foregone conclusion, but at least it's not more sappy than the usual Hollywood fare.

I can see where this would be dismissed as a chick flick.

The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

Quirky Subtlety Appreciated!

[9/10 · 10 January 2002]

I was torn when I saw Rushmore. I couldn't decide whether to like it because of its humor or hate it because of its perversely obstinate strangeness. There's no such problem with Tenenbaums. It's still strange, but it's not off-putting, as, in my opinion, Rushmore was.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a movie for the common crowd. It will not be universally admired. On the other hand, Titanic was universally admired, and so was Gladiator. Neither of those two films will ever, in my opinion, hold a candle to this one.

The glory of Tenenbaums is its characters; it is character-motivated and character driven. Therefore I see people on this complaining that there was no plot. On the contrary, I could easily sum up the plot in two lines. I don't think this is an intellectual's movie; the jokes don't depend on having a certain IQ or shoe size. They don't depend on being a certain age, either. They do depend on having a certain sense of humor. If you didn't like or understand movies like O Brother Where Art Thou? or Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels you may not have the requisitely original (and in my opinion, rare) sense of humor to enjoy this movie.

However, blaming it on the movie would truly be a mistake, as there are a lot of people who enjoyed it profusely. There are some hilarious moments in this movie: the tic-tac, the pictures of Margot, the mice, Royal's chosen epitaph.

This isn't a movie for intellectuals. It is a movie for subtle people. (Those two things are not the same.) If you can appreciate the humor involved when a Klan rally prances around like the flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz (O Brother Where Art Thou) or the humor involved when a gangster father chastises his son for swearing while taking his son to work with him (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels), you may not like this movie. The jokes will not come up and hit you upside the head. They prefer to sneak up on you like a certain variety of cute, spotted rodents.

American Playhouse: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (1983) Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

Good Gad!

[1/10 · 11 July 2001]

This is the worst movie I've ever seen, and that's saying something.

I hate to speak ill of the dead, but Raul Julia made a terrible mistake when he decided to act in this piece of garbage. The writing is terrible, the effects are irredeemably cheesy, and quite frankly, it isn't even one of those "delightfully bad" movies. It was just terrible. Watching this movie was like watching a train wreck. No it wasn't.

It was like watching a train wreck in a pit of quicksand with alligators gnawing your lower body and vultures snacking on the upper half. It was absolutely abominable. Cheesy. Campy. Unfunny. Unamusing. Awful. Mystery Science Theater 3000 did this movie for a REASON.