Gunnery Sergeant Hartman Reviews

Monday Night Mayhem (2002 TV Movie)

"I tell it like it is!"

[19 January 2002]

I must admit that The start of ABC'S Monday Night Football was before my time, But personally, I thought this was an excellent telling of the events leading from it's creation to the resignation of Howard Cosell. John Heard portrays Roone Arledge, the man behind the creation of ABC's Monday Night Football. He enlists play by play announcers Howard Cosell (John Turturro), "Dandy" Don Meredith (Brad Beyer), Keith Jackson (Shuler Hensley), and later, Frank Gifford (Kevin Anderson). The movie centers mainly on the action happening inside the booth, And on its rise to popularity. Memorable scenes include a drunken Cosell doing play by play during an Eagles game, Meredith at the Mile High Stadium literally "Mile High", and a scene where Cosell drops a lit cigarette butt(accidently) into Keith Jackson's trouser cuff during play-by-play, while Jackson, noticing his pants are on fire, nonchalantly pours his coffee onto the flame without missing a beat. But the main events center around Howard Cosell, who eventually became to stuck on himself and resulted in him resigning and never returning to the broadcast booth.

As to the acting, John Turturro lives up to being in the starring role and is excellent as Cosell. Heard gives another great performance as Arledge, Beyer and Anderson, whom I've never seen before are great as Meredith and Gifford, John's bother, Nicholas Turturro, puts in a strong performance as the director of the show, and Eli Wallach is great as always with the screen time that he is given.

all in all a very entertaining look into Monday Night Football. TNT does it again

10 out of 10

Son of the Pink Panther (1993)

Long may you twitch Mr. Lom!

[16 September 2001]

A few spoilers throughout.

Yes it was a rehash. Yes, Blake Edwards recycled a lot of the jokes from the original. But I still feel that SOPP manages to do succeed. Benigni Is a nice choice for Sellers' illegitimate (Did I spell that right?) son. Not only does he kind of look like Sellers, but he has the gift of completely falling on his face and making it look like an accident. Burt Kwouk is entertaining as always as Kato. As is Graham Stark as Auguste Balls. It is nice to see them both in this movie. I also liked seeing Claudia Cardinale back in this one. But, I have to give special kudos to Herbert Lom. The first film I saw him in was "A Shot in the Dark", and it made him my favorite actor. I often found myself watching the other films in the series mainly because of him. He does an impressive job for being as old as he was (I think he was about 75.) When the bomb blew up in Maria's house and he was standing there in his smoldering suit with the poodle humping his leg, I almost died laughing. Also, Edwards gives more focus to his character of Charles Dreyfus. Instead of ending up in an insane asylum like he usually does in the other Pink Panther films, He manages to solve the mystery, AND get the girl. He giggles, he twitches, he goes a little nuts, but he wouldn't be Dreyfus if he didn't. What's really great is that he makes peace with his enemy (Jacques Clouseau), and he becomes a father to his son, and it's hard not to wish him well. God bless you Mr. Lom. Long may you twitch.

P.S. I have heard rumors that a new Pink Panther series is in the works with Mike Myers as the lead. It will never work. I'm not saying that Myers is a bad actor. I don't think he is. He just can't play stupid. When Peter Sellers did something stupid, you didn't think it was acting. When he fell off a couch, you were completely convinced that his character WAS that dumb. It honestly didn't look like acting. I just don't think that Myers will be able to do that. He's to confident. Maybe he will prove me wrong. I hope that the movie's creators bring back Lom, Kwouk, and Stark though!

The Triangle (2001 TV Movie)

Blatant rip off of "The Shining"

[19 August 2001]

WARNING!!!!!!! SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!

The only way they could have been any more blatant about how much they ripped of "The Shining", would have bee to have the actors carry signs that said "We script writers in Hollywood have run out of ideas, so we're going to set "The Shining" on the high seas". Don't believe me? Well here's the case for the prosecution:

1. The Luxury liner in "The Triangle" is haunted by the ghosts of the murders in its past, and the hotel in "The Shining" is haunted by the ghost of the murders in it's past. (This one I can forgive, as there are several horror movies that follow this formula)

2. One of the Characters in "The Triangle" (Olivia D'Abo) Has dreams in which she can see events of the future. In "The Shining" the Danny character (through Tony) can see events of the future.

3. In "The Shining" Danny and Wendy become stranded When the possessed character of Jack destroys their only transportation away from the hotel(The Snowcat). And their radio. In "The Triangle" The group becomes stranded when the possessed character of Stu (Luke Perry) unties the mooring rope to their boat, their only form of transportation away from the Luxury liner.

4. In "The Shining", the hotel had room 217 (Or 237, depending on which version of the movie you are watching) in which sinister events happened. In "The Triangle", the Luxury liner has stateroom 116, in which sinister events happened.

5. in "The Shining" The character of Jack becomes possessed when the haunted hotel gives him access to his desire, which was drink. In "The Triangle" The character of Stu becomes possessed when the haunted luxury liner gives him access to his desire, which is money.

6. In the novel, and in the made for t.v. remake of "The Shining", the character of Jack goes on a killing spree with a roque/croquet mallet. In "The Triangle", the character of Stu goes on a killing spree with a cricket mallet.

7. And finally, in the novel (and in the made for t.v. remake) of "The Shining" The haunted hotel is blown up. in "The Triangle" The haunted Luxury liner is blown up.

The Prosecution rests.

While I didn't hate "The Triangle" It was completely obvious where the movie's plot had come from. I did enjoy it, even though I pretty much had the end figured out about halfway through the film. Cortese and D'Abo are halfway convincing in their acting. Dorian Harewood is always a fine actor and he does the best he can with what he has, but his character is basically present to be a victim. And a terribly miscast Luke Perry sleepwalks through yet another role.

4/10

** out of *****

Fright Night (1985)

I AM Peter Vincent, Vampire Killer!

[19 August 2001]

This really is a great movie. I loved every minute of it. William Ragsdale plays Charlie Brewster, a horror film fanatic who believes his next door neighbor, Jerry Dandridge (Chris Sarandon) is a vampire. He tries to convince his friends, (Played by pre Married with Children star Amanda Bearse, and Stephen Geoffreys) but of course, they don't believe him. (Would You?) He turns to his idol, a B movie actor named Peter Vincent (An Excellent Roddy McDowall) for help, as Vincent is supposedly a fearless vampire killer, but naturally, Vincent doesn't believe him either. Of course, Dandrige IS a vampire, and it is up to Charlie and Peter Vincent to try and stop him.

Really, fright night is more of a comedy that a horror film. McDowall's character of the B movie actor is very well written. In the best scene of the film, after killing one of the vampires, Vincent breaks down and weeps. Peter Vincent is NOT a vampire killer. He's just a B-movie actor who has been roped into this situation because he feels it is his duty to help. And Roddy McDowall establishes that point extremely well.

The movie eventually follows the "Hunt the Vampire" movie formula, with Chris Sarandon playing the movie's Dracula, and Roddy McDowall playing the movie's Van Helsing. And it very effectively wraps up the movie's third act.

As to the actors, Chris Sarandon is excellent as the vampire, William Ragsdale, Amanda Bearse, and Stephen Geoffreys play their teen roles extremely well, (Though Geoffrey's occasionally underacts) but Roddy McDowall steals the show as Peter Vincent.

This is a must see for fans of the vampire genre. You won't be disappointed.

10/10

***** out of *****

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)

Absolutely the best western ever made!

[15 August 2001]

And it's the truth. This is the western that broke the mold. Clint Eastwood IS The Good, Lee Van Cleef IS the bad, and Eli Wallach IS the Ugly. Good guys and bad guys were no longer separated by wearing white hats and black hats. One can certainly question just how "Good" Eastwood's character is. Set during the civil war, it follows the title trio (comprised of Eastwood, Van Cleef, and Wallach) on their quest for 200 thousand dollars in gold. The question is, who will get it first?

As "The Good" Clint Eastwood leaves nothing to be desired, giving the role just enough of the quiet cockiness that it needs. Eastwood had the two previous films to build the character on, and it shows.

"The Bad" Is definitely my favorite role in the film. I do some community theater acting and if there's a bad guy in the play I usually play it! That's why I like the role. The bad guys have all the fun! Lee Van Cleef is exceptional. no one else could have given the role what he did. This is the first movie I saw Lee Van Cleef in, and it put him at the top of my list of favorite actors. What really is amazing is that he plays the exact opposite of this role in the previous film, "For a Few Dollars More." Since I saw the films out of order(I still haven't had a chance to see the first) When I saw Van Cleef in "For a Few Dollars More, I kept expecting the other shoe to fall with his Colonel Douglas Mortimer character. To my Delight, it never did. If you are going to watch "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, You have to get "For a Few Dollars More and watch them both. Van Cleef Really is amazing to watch. And I Think he was a hell of an actor!

And as "The Ugly" Eli Wallach Physically embodies greed. That is the only way to describe it. Wallach definitely has the most developed character. One minute, he's the best friend you've ever had, and the next minute he's stabbing you in the back for your money. When he and Eastwood find The man who knows where the money is, Tuco tells the dying man not to die until after he's told Tuco where the money is! He also has a great line in a scene towards the end involving him and a gunslinger that lost his arm because of him. I would describe it, but I don't want to give it away. Wallach gives on hell of a performance. I actually thought he was Spanish, until someone told me that he was Jewish!

Sergio Leone certainly Gives us one hell of a movie. There is not a second of film wasted. While the whole movie is great, there are two scenes that really stand out in my mind. The first is the scene where Tuco("The Ugly") runs through a graveyard searching for one name on the hundreds of grave markers. The total scene is about three and a half minutes of him searching, and blended with a superior song from Ennio Morricone, and it is part of film history. No one will ever be able to duplicate what Leone, Wallach and Morricone did with it. That's another thing I have to mention. While all the soundtrack music Morricone composed is terrific, He outdid himself with this Soundtrack. Every song fits every scene perfectly. The only soundtrack I can compare it to is the shark theme from "Jaws".

The second scene is the final showdown between the Three main characters. Leone took his time with this one. It has dozens of different camera shots, and terrific song to underscore it. Leone builds up the suspense until it's almost unbearable, and trust me, the climax is worth the wait. To give any of it away would be criminal.

If you want to see the perfect western, you have to see this movie. There truly are none that can match it. if I could give it higher than ten I would!

10 out of 10

***** out of *****

On Deadly Ground (1994)

Movie only watchable because the preformances of Caine, McGinley, and R. Lee Ermey

[14 August 2001]

What a criminal waste of a supporting cast!

Who said Steven Segal should become an actor? That person should be hung up by his Thumbs! This movie is terrible, The only reason I watched it through was because it had 4 of my favorite actors in it, They include:

Ashamed actor #1 Michael Caine

Ashamed actor #2 R. Lee Ermey

Ashamed actor #3 John C. McGinley

and we can't forget

Ashamed actor #4 Billy Bob Thornton.

Personally, I don't fault any of these actors. They did the best they could with the material they were given. And I can't imagine Segal's directing helped them either. I can just picture it now:

Segal: "Now, I want to see more AWE when I walk into the room."

And I have to give special kudos to Ermey. When he gave that speech towards the end about how great Forrest Taft was, and he managed to make it convincing which is remarkable, given how contrived his speech was written. He truly is a remarkable actor, and I hope he continues (And I hope Caine and McGinely continue too, I just hope they all have better scripts to work with!)

Bottom line, It's a pathetic plot hampered by Segal, but saved by the all star supporting cast of villans. That's the only thing that redeemed this movie for me.

3 out of 10

Lost Horizon (1973)

Two words. GOD AWFUL

[8 August 2001]

(Warning, there are spoilers sprinkled throughout, but I wouldn't worry)

There is only one movie I have seen that is worse than this one. "Howling: New Moon Rising". This film is an utter waste of celluloid. How such a large cast of decent actors could be so totally wasted is incredible. The really amazing thing is that some of the cast still managed to keep their careers going. Michael York is the only cast member who adds any credibility to his role. In his final BIG scene, after Olivia Hussey's character ages before his eyes he begins to cry (Or he has a severe stomach cramp, I haven't decided which) and then he runs screaming off a cliff. I'm not sure if it was from the agony over losing the love of his life, or if he suddenly realized how far down the crapper this movie was going to send his career and decided to cease the humiliation. George Kennedy plays the same role he does in every movie, which is O.K., but he is dragged down by the terrible script. Sally Kellerman shows she has no shame, Bobby Van and Olivia Hussey more than likely needed the money, and John Geilgud and Liv Ullman look like they'd rather be somewhere else.

What really bothers me is that we are supposed to view York's character as the *sshole because he wants to leave. Now let's think this over. His character is supposed to cut off all ties to the outside world for what? So he can live for hundreds of years and be forced to listen to Kennedy and Kellerman duet and Bobby Van tapdance and sing? Who could blame him for wanting to leave?

The movie starts out with promise, It's a fairly strong cast, and a fairly good plot. then the filmmakers decided that it needed to be a musical. That alone is terrible, but they hired BURT BACHARACH to write the music. THAT is an abomination. Not only do the songs pop up in the least likely of places (Well, except for Hussey's song during dinner. I can suspend my disbelief for that one) But the songs are so swinging 70's that the movie became dated almost before it reached the theaters (And it bombed at the box office. It cost 6 million to make and only got 3 million from U.S. Moviegoers, and probably 99% of them wanted their money back.)

Trust me, avoid this movie like the plague. It honestly is awful. I just can't believe I wasted two and a half hours of my time watching this when I could have done something constructive, like organize my sock drawer.

0/10

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

Watchable only for the preformances of Goldblum, Arliss Howard, Postlethwaite, and Attenborough

[13 July 2001]

Warning: contains spoilers throughout.

This movie had lots of potential. However, instead of an adventure film, we have a "SAVE THE DINOSAURS!"rally. The movie starts out promising. In the opening sequence, a british family and the crew of thier yacht land on the shore of Isla Sorna. Unfortunately for them. the island is the hatchery for Jurassic Park. The couple's little girl gets attacked by compys, and John Hammond's secret island is discovered.

Now we are reintroduced to Ian Malcolm . Thanks to his public outcry of the events of the original park. And the fact that everyone is being secret about the events of the park, no one believes his story about the dinosaurs. To make matters worse, he is constantly harassed. While visiting Hammond, Malcolm meets up with Hammond's nephew, Peter Ludlow. Ludlow is taking over control of the Ingen corporation. Now here is where the plot becomes confusing. Here's how I have it figured out. Hammond has showed us how stupid he is by creating Jurassic Park. AND He kept secret about an Island that is teeming with dangerous animals, instead of alerting authorities about the place. He doesn't take into consideration the fact that someone might accidently land on the Island and be killed,(Though he probably knows it could happen, and for the sake of the movie, it does) he wants to keep the island a secret so the dinosaurs can flourish in their own way. Yeah, I feel REAL bad about Hammond losing control of the Ingen Corporation. WHEN WILL LUDLOWS REIGN OF EVIL END! I am in no way disappointed with Richard Attenborough's portrayal of the character. I always enjoy any movie he is in. But David Koepp should have thought about this while writing the screenplay. Oh and before I go any futher, Peter Ludlow is a VICTIM. He is nicely portrayed by Arliss Howard, who does the best he can with the one dimentional character. While watching this movie, there were three characters I had marked for death, and being the obvious villan, Ludlow was one of them. Malcolm agrees to go to the island to "rescue" His girlfriend, and the movie goes on. We are now introduced to Eddie Carr, the Man behind all the equipment, Nick Van Owen, A photographer who sometimes works with greenpeace, and Malcolm's annoying daughter Kelly. After some banter between Malcolm and Kelly (Who has gymnastics experience, it is revealed. gee, I wounder if that's going to come into play before the movie's over. wink wink. nudge nudge). The party sets out. Malcolm tells Kelly to stay put, but she stows away in the trailer. (WOW WHAT A SUPRISE). Then, so the party can REALLY be cut off, the fisherman of the boat they're on refuses to stay near the Island. (Gee, bet that's not a setup part of the plot either).

Upon landing(They still don't know of Kelly's presence) The group sets out in search of Sarah. Note to the scriptwriters- Malcolm reprimands Nick Van Owen about using Sarah's full name during the search(He shouts "SARAH HARDING!" to which Malcolm responds "How many Sarah's do you think are on this island?) later in the film, while searching for Nick, Malcolm Shouts "NICK VAN OWEN!" if they are going to have him make fun of it, then they shouldn't have HIM do the same thing.

They find Sarah, who reveals what a STUPID scientist she is by PETTING a Stegosaurus! Note-Cameras in movies make enough noise to stampede Stegosaurs when they are out of film. Her being so near, and the noise of the camera, causes the Stegosaurs to stampede. Then later, while walking with the others, she reprimands Nick for preparing to light a cigarette. "No interaction" she says. AFTER SHE PETTED A DINOSAUR! AND SHE IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE EXPERIENCE IN THE FIELD AROUND ANIMALS. DOES SHE PET LIONS TOO? From here on out. I'm going to refer to Sarah as Dr. Dipsh*t. Now, to shorten this review, let me say that they find Kelly, Malcolm tries to leave, and Ludlow and his band of EVIL trappers show up. They are led by Roland Tembo (A very good Pete Postlethwaite) His character is hard not to like, and I was rooting for him to survive. His character reminded me of Robert Muldoon in the first movie. The group then captures some dinosaurs. Malcolm's group is very upset by this. but they're forgetting something. THEY ARE LUDLOW's DINOSAURS. HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS WITH THEM. after caging the dinosaurs, the group sets up camp. Before I go on, let me tell you the other two people who I just knew were going to die. Eddie (Richard Schiff) simply because he could fix anything that was demolished(Hey we have to strand these people in the wilderness after all) and Dieter Stark, Roland's second in command, because he shocked one of the compys And since this is a save the dinosaurs movie, that is a NO NO(and I bet I know which of the dinosaurs is going to kill him) While Roland and his assistant are out hunting the T-Rex, Nick Van Owen and Dr. Dipsh*t release all the caged dinosaurs. The now free dinosaurs demolish Ludlow's camp, and an exploding car nearly kills Roland and his assistant. So This is our hero? I really hated the Van Owen character by now. Then, in a display of BLATANT STUPIDITY, Van Owen puts everyone's lives in danger by bringing the baby T-Rex to their trailer. Needless to say, the Rexes show up, attack the trailers, and Eddie is killed trying to save them (I told you he was going to die). also, during the exciting trailer scene, was it obvious to everyone else that the satelite phone was going to shatter the glass? after they get up top, Ludlow's party graciously allows them to tag along, even though Dr. Dipsh*t and (From now on I'm going to call Van Owen Please shoot me) Please shoot me were responsible for the destruction of their camp. To wrap up everything that happens in the final act, The group is attacked, Dieter Stark is killed off by compys (I told you so), Roland survives but his assistant does not, Please Shoot me almost gets Roland Killed AGAIN, Kelly's gymnastics skills come into play (Didn't see that coming!) and the party escapes. Roland and Ludlow survive the island. and in a big disappointment, so does Please shoot me. (If I were Roland, I would press charges against the stupid son of a b*tch). Needless to say, The T-rex (And her baby) are brought to San Diego, The big Rex gets out, does a bunch of damage, and, using the baby rex Dr. Dipsh*t and Malcolm get the rex contained. In the final scene for Ludlow, we watch his character get eaten by the baby rex while The big rex watches on with pride. Was this supposed to make us cheer? I didn't. It was cruel. Ludlow, while not the brightest person in the world, by no means deserved to die. (But I knew he would, because he is THE VILLAN)

It's hard to say where this movie goes wrong. It can't be blamed on Michael Crichton. While not topping His first book, made a very good sequal with "The Lost World". Koepp however, completely throws it out, in favor of the movie we get to watch. While I don't think it's the greatest story ever told, It is a worthwhile watch. Jeff Goldblum is Great as Malcolm. Pete Postlethwaite brings Roland to life, Arliss Howard does the best he can with what he's got, and I really like anything that Attenborough does. So I say, watch for yourself, and make your own judgements.

** out of ****

% out of ten

Dracula 2000 (2000)

LONG LIVE CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER!!!!!!!!

[4 July 2001]

Overall, I thought this was a good film. It is exactly what it is supposed to be, A horror movie. The cast is mostly new. The only names I was familiar with were Plummer, Epps, and Jeri Ryan(Who should have gotten a larger role.) The movie kind of distances itself from the work by Bram Stoker, the only elements retained were the "Death Ship", Carfax Abby, the Character of Van Helsing, and, of course, Dracula.

Now as you may have already guessed, my main reason in watching this movie was because Christopher Plummer was in it. And the fact that he was cast as Dr. Van Helsing was not only very enjoyable, but inspired casting. Most of the reviews have given kudos to Gerald Butler, So I figured I would send some kudos to Plummer.

MAJOR SPOILER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do have one major gripe. Why was Van Helsing killed off? In the movie, when Dracula threw him into the mirror, I sat on the edge of my seat for the next five minutes(Something that doesn't happen to often, and for those of you who have seen some of the more recent horror movies, you know what I mean) and when they showed him impaled under the bed, I was VERY disappointed! I know Van Helsing was about a hundred and fifty years old, and he's been guarding Dracula all that time and yes, that has to wear a guy out. But COME ON! The makers of this film have the the talents of one of the greatest actors of our time, and they don't give him enough time on screen. Besides that, killing off Van Helsing was like killing off Captain Kirk In the Star Trek Series. To the makers of this movie: If there is a sequel in the works, BRING BACK VAN HELSING!!! I don't care how. Black Magic, a time machine, hell, get some of his blood (Hey, there was some left on his neck) and clone him! But BRING BACK VAN HELSING!!!!

END OF MAJOR SPOILER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fans of Dracula movies will like this one. I don't go out of the way to watch them, but I really enjoyed this one. (except for the point I mentioned in the spoiler). So, give it a look see

****/***** 8 out of 10

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? (1969)

YOWZA! YOWZA! YOWZA!

[22 February 2001]

This is one of the best movies I have ever seen. Set in the 1930s, it revoleved around a group of people entering/running a depression dance marathon. The group entering the contest(The principle characters being Fonda, Sarrazin, York, Buttons, Bedilia, Fields)Can't pass up the seven meals a day, or the top prize of 1500 dollars, no matter how grueling the dance will be. Fonda, is a drifter looking for money, Sarrazin wanders into the contest by accident, York and Fields are an actor and actress hoping to be "Discovered", and Buttons is also looking for money. The management of the contest is represented by Young, Lewis, and (To a lesser extent)Conrad. While this is not a "Pick me up" movie, it is definitely worth seeing. The cast is excellent, and the movie moves along well. Director Sydney Pollack filmed the movie in sequence, which helps to show the fatigue that the characters are feeling. They Shoot horses was nominated for nine academy awards, inglinging Best actress(Fonda), Best Supporting Actress(York) and Best Director(Pollack).

However, only Gig Young walked away with the statuette(For best Supporting Actor) and he deserved every inch of it. Playing against typecasting, he knew he was getting the role of a lifetime and he gives one of the best performance of his career. I actually liked Rocky, with his White Tux and his "Yowza!Yowza!Yowza!" I don't know if I would have liked the character if Gig Young had not been in the role.

Overall, this movie is definitely worth seeing. If you have a chance, give it a look.

10/10 ***** out of *****