Lag2Deth Reviews

Van Helsing (2004)

Anything Goes Means Nothing Works

[3/10 · 21 July 2004]

The plot is incoherent. The special effects/action scenes crowd out any possibility of real acting, yet are strangely and distractingly sub-par. To call the characters "cardboard cutouts" would be offensive to cardboard.

I don't usually say this about movies, because I appreciate that writing is not easy. But in this case, I'll say it: Even I could have written a better script. The mirror universe of the movie has no internal logic - virtually anything appears to be possible at any time - so there can be no dramatic tension. Plot points are revealed through awkward explanatory speeches, rather than by showing the audience how things are. That would be a serious weakness in any sort of script, but it's a huge mistake in an action movie, of all things. Without the slightest whiff of drama and without any audience involvement with the sketchy characters, the action that makes up the bulk of the movie is merely sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Not silly enough to be fun in the MST3000 sense, it was merely dull. As if to make up for the dullness, it's also long. I kept checking my watch, something I don't recall doing in the movies recently. I paid US$0.50 to see this movie, and I think it was about US$8 too much. Some have called this movie "homage" to monster movies of old. If this is what the golden-oldie monster movies were like, I'd say they're best forgotten.

3000 Miles to Graceland (2001)

Crushing Disappointment

[3/10 · 8 April 2001]

A bunch of guys dressed as Elvis decide to pull off a robbery in Las Vegas during an Elvis convention? Sounds like a great setup to me.

But wait a moment – this movie follows in the footsteps of several other recent Hollywood horrors – the director's experience is all with music videos!

And it shows. It feels like a two-hour long music video, but with some plot thrown in here and there. And the plot that gets thrown in is terrible. The heist setup is used up in just a few minutes of over-the-top violence, and the rest is a half-baked story of love at first sight, murder, betrayal, and so on ad nauseam, regularly inter-cut with uncalled-for music-video sequences, lots of gratuitous close-ups of women's bottoms in tight pants, and short, pointless scenes with Kevin Costner and some throw-away characters that were probably intended to be character development. Those character development scenes generally only confirm what one might suspect – that Costner's character really is the cookie-cutter bad guy that we thought all along.

I'd be glad if Mr. Lichtenstein stuck to music videos, which I'm sure he's very good at.

The Ninth Gate (1999)

Nonsensical waste of time

[3/10 · 31 July 2000]

I think Johnny Depp will one day be remembered as a uniquely flexible actor who could take on a wide array of roles with great authority. His inclusion in this movie was the one thing that convinced me to give this movie a try. But it sucked big-time, regardless of his presence.

The characters are given no opportunity to develop. I have known mannequins with more complex inner lives. Their motives are too-often unclear or non-existent. They are amoral. They are morons. Why would anyone care what ills befell them?

I imagine most folks that hate this movie would mention the ending. The ending is abrupt and absurd; it feels like the makers ran out of money. It doesn't explain any of the tense, suspenseful situations the protagonist found himself in during the rest of the movie. There's no sense of the last puzzle piece fitting in with the rest of a jigsaw puzzle; there's no closure. In fact, it's when the credits start rolling that you are sure that you've been had; you've sat through all this drivel for nothing. There is no payoff, no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

For example, the movie begins with a wealthy, elderly gentleman writing a suicide note and then hanging himself. We are never told why. Later, the protagonist is warned that his journey may be dangerous; moments later, he is nearly killed by an enormous scaffolding collapsing. We never find out why it collapsed, or who might have been behind it. Later, the men who warned the protagonist of danger have disappeared, with no explanation or elaboration offered. And it's just full of that sort of thing. Plot points like these should have a purpose.

Avoid at all costs. 3/10

Mystery Men (1999)

Better than you'd guess

[2 June 2000]

I enjoyed this movie more than I thought I would. I expected to get a few sniggering laughs, but there are some real comic gems in there.

This movie is to the world of comic book super-heroes and super-villains what "Galaxy Quest" is to Star Trek. It's a parody. It makes fun of a lot of the conventions and stereotypes from the comics, and it exposes problems that super-heroes - or super-hero wannabes - might experience in the real world. If that doesn't sound like a good time to you, skip this. If you know and/or like comic books and you have a sense of humor, though, you could do a lot worse.

7/10

Mission: Impossible II (2000)

Crude, Clumsy Letdown

[4/10 · 2 June 2000]

I liked the twisty plot of the first Mission Impossible movie. This movie is very different.

This movie has a paper-thin plot intended only to provide an excuse for action scene after action scene.

Instead of plot twists, we get ludicrous latex-mask-impersonation scenes - lots of them. Any self respecting episode of "Scooby-Doo" limits itself to just *one* of those scenes.

MI2 clumsily tries to throw in a little romance to spice things up, but it does so in the form of a simply stupid car chase/flirtation scene that's about as sexy as a poke in the eye.

So all that's left is action. That's too bad, because the action, frankly, isn't so compelling. A lot of it is so overdone as to be laughable. And there's a limit to how much of this stuff you can watch in one sitting without getting a headache, anyway.

And, just to make things worse, the spectacle and noise of the huge explosions, the car chases, and the gun battles is exactly the kind of thing you have to see in the theater to enjoy at all. This flick will have even less to offer on video.

4/10

Bowfinger (1999)

Live Action Muppet Show

[7/10 · 27 October 1999]

When I noticed that Frank Oz directed this movie, I was surprised. But who better than a puppeteer to wring the funniest, widest-ranging performance yet seen from Mr. Exaggeration himself, Eddie Murphy?

Murphy is just a big muppet in Oz's hands. A lot of the humor is based on his extreme facial expressions (not quite Jim Carrey, but closer than I thought I'd ever see) and otherwise over-the-top characterizations. And I don't mean that as a criticism at all, because it turns out to be really funny.

Murphy plays both an action-movie star and his nerdy brother. The action-movie star bits use Murphy's patented loud-angry-black-man character, played to the hilt. The nerdy brother scenes, though, are something of a a shock: "THAT'S Eddie Murphy?" They're the best bits in the flick. Murphy must have put more energy and effort into every scene in this movie than into the whole of Beverly Hills Cop 3. (Which, in case you don't get the hint, you should skip.) Any doubts I had about Murphy's basic talent have evaporated.

So it's Murphy's movie all the way. The other folks?

Steve Martin has a good opening scene, but after that he basically plays the straight man, which he does well enough I guess. As screenwriter, he wrote himself right out of center stage.

Heather Graham's role is slight, but she plays it well. (Guys, she's modestly dressed through the whole thing. Yes, really.)

Terrence Stamp is amusing as the low-key, screwball head of the new-agey "MindHead" organization. Hmm, I wonder what litigious bunch of powerful California morons screenwriter Martin is taking umbrage at there?

7/10

The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

An improvement on the original. No classic, though.

[6/10 · 18 October 1999]

I liked this better than the 1968 original, but neither of them lived up to the promise of the premise.

I like heist stuff; the complex plans, the sneaky execution. This 1999 remake had a lot more of that sort of thing than the original did, which was a plus for me.

Then of course, the romance comes along to muck everything up. For some reason, someone thought it necessary to include a great deal of sex and nudity. (And hey, I enjoy a little female skin as much as the next guy, but there comes a point when even I start thinking "Why doesn't she just put her shirt on and get on with the story?")

Although I've always liked Rene Russo, her character here is not well done. She's supposed to come across as one of those fictional movie women who is just better at everything than anyone you've ever met. She's more intelligent, more talented, more experienced, more passionate, more daring, etc. But she comes across as over-the-top rather than larger-than-life. It's a screenplay problem, or maybe a directorial problem, not her fault, but it's a shame.

Pierce Brosnan is very good for this part, I think, and his character (having a lot in common with James Bond and Remington Steele) is less of a stretch for him. His Thomas Crown is cool, calculating, and sophisticated. He's always one step (or more) ahead of everyone else in the movie, but you don't end up hating him for it.

All in all, an entertaining evening for the bargain-basement $2 admission I paid. I wouldn't have been too happy paying full price, though.

6/10

Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

A Favorite

[8/10 · 18 October 1999]

I was 15 when this movie was released, and it was my very favorite movie for a couple of years after that. In my senior year of high school, a friend and I decided that, like Ferris, we needed a day off.

Of course, our day off was a huge disappointment compared to Mr. Bueller's. Which is in some ways instructive; the movie basically tells you to live for today, don't wait for tomorrow. But it's a fantasy. Living for today, in real life, spells disaster as often as not. I still wish I could be as cool and confident as Ferris Bueller, but I think there is some physical law against that many coolness particles occupying any one person's body. Oh well.

It's really just light, frothy fun, in retrospect. The highlight may well be watching Ferris's friend Cameron (Alan Ruck) react in his super-pessimist way to Ferris's infuriatingly just-do-it nature – a classic performance.

The Great Train Robbery (1978)

Excellent Crime Movie

[9/10 · 18 October 1999]

I like heist flicks, and this is the best I've seen so far. It's got great suspense as the crew of thieves (led by the incomparable Sean Connery) makes intricate plans and patiently prepares for the big day, changing and adapting the plan as needed to cope with unexpected obstacles. There is little in the way of sub-plots; virtually all of the action and plot is part of The Plan. The Victorian setting is great; you start to wonder where Jeremy Brett (as Sherlock Holmes) is, and when he's going to catch these crooks.

I'm a little puzzled by the category of "action/comedy." I'd say this was firmly in the "crime" category, and no other.

9/10

The Thomas Crown Affair (1968)

Sadly, it did not age well...

[4/10 · 18 October 1999]

I rented this on word-of-mouth advice many months before the release of the 1999 remake. Eventually, I found both movies disappointing, but the original was more so.

Maybe it's because I was expecting a heist flick, and the heist, while well done, only takes up about the first 10-15 minutes of the movie. The rest is supposed to be romantic drama, but I really just found it dull.

Maybe it's because, after the heist bit, we really get to know Thomas Crown, and he turns out to be a chauvinist jerk. Steve McQueen's hep-cat character has aged quite badly. The second half of the movie is pretty much split between Thomas Crown fooling around with his women and Thomas Crown fooling around with his toys. But it's not as fun or as kinky as that phrasing might make it sound. I think there must be 976 minutes of footage of Thomas Crown zooming around the beach in a dune buggy. Somehow, I doubt those scenes were really that thrilling even in 1968.

If you're in the mood for a good heist flick, try The Great Train Robbery, which might be the best of the genre. If you're in the mood for some fun suspense and intrigue, 60s style, try Charade (as someone else here suggested). And if you have some burning desire to watch a guy drive a dune buggy, give Thomas Crown (1968) a try.

4/10

American Pie (1999)

Now 20% Grosser!

[20 September 1999]

Standard, predictable, sexually-obsessed teen-age gross-out/humiliation humor, a little more explicit than usual. If you've moved beyond high-school (mentally, anyhow) you won't find this shocking or even memorable, just dull. 3/10.

Summer of Sam (1999)

Aimless, Depressing

[5/10 · 29 August 1999]

I should not have been surprised that this movie has almost nothing to do with the Son of Sam murders. It's a Spike Lee "joint", after all, so naturally, it's an aimless character study of a bunch of freaks living in freaktown (Brooklyn, New York). Not that there's anything wrong with that; I've enjoyed other Spike Lee movies that had the same basic modus operandi. But I didn't enjoy this one much.

Plot? One guy (Vinny) likes to have wild sex with women he's not married to, but has a lot of hangups about sex with his wife. He takes her to an orgy, where they both have a lot of sex with other people. Because of this, he calls her a slut, and she leaves him. A middle aged couple is trying to have as much sex as the younger couples in the movie, but their son (Ritchie) keeps walking in on them. They kick him out into the garage, so he starts bringing his girlfriend over and they have sex in the garage. He turns out to be a bisexual stripper, prostitute and punk rocker. His girlfriend knows and is OK with all that. In fact, they make an X rated movie together. His friends find out, figure anybody kinkier than Vinny must be the Son Of Sam, and beat him up. Roll credits.

Far be it from me make moral judgements about the sexual acts shown, described, hinted at, etc. But the sheer quantity of sex overshadows everything else about the movie. Everything else - the heat of the summer, the power outages, the riots, the murders, the gangsters, the vigilantes, the music scene, the drugs - is just a footnote. Mostly, it's not fun, happy, loving sex, either, but seedy, illicit, guilty or taboo sex. It's depressing. It doesn't really go anywhere. And believe it or not, it's kind of dull.

Good performances by John Leguizamo and Mira Sorvino (my favorites here) couldn't save this from being an aimless waste of more than two hours. I wish I had seen a good documentary about the Son of Sam instead. 5/10.

Pi (1998)

Daring, Different, Brilliant, Flawed

[9/10 · 18 August 1999]

Pi is a portrait of Obsession with a capital O. Max is obsessed with finding patterns in the numbers and the nature all around us. He braves the wrath of his landlord, the scorn of his mentor, alienation from his fellow man, the rebellion of his own body and mind, even the possibility of his own destruction in pursuit of The Answer. I found the portrait of this young recluse's obsession and drive to be the most compelling aspect of the movie.

It does have flaws. As others have noted, Max's character is a little on the shallow side. That's not the actor's fault, it's the script's fault. The actor (Sean Gullette) shows promise, I think, but this movie seems to strain his range slightly. Mathematicians will whine that the math stuff is fantasy. Computer techies will whine that Max's computer, though undeniably cool-looking, is a junkyard fantasy. Other nitpicks fall in a similar vein.

Despite the flaws, I bought a copy of this movie the first time I had the chance. I liked the totality of Max's obsession with The Answer that much. I can't wait for the director's (Darren Aronofsky) next movie.

9/10

Notting Hill (1999)

Surprisingly Funny

[8/10 · 18 August 1999]

As a guy in a long-term relationship, I get dragged to a lot of romantic-comedy junk, which the film biz seems to spit out by the gross.

Imagine my surprise when this one turned out to be quite funny indeed. Yes, a lot of it is formulaic, and there are plot holes aplenty, but the script allows Hugh Grant's quiet, understated comic style to shine big-time. The British have an absolute embarrassment of riches when it comes to acting talent, and this movie just proves the point - the supporting cast was great.

I don't generally care for Hugh Grant, Julia Roberts, or romantic comedies in general, but I really enjoyed this one. 8/10.

Gambit (1966)

Twisty. Funny. Charming.

[8/10 · 7 July 1999]

I love heist flicks, and this overlooked item delivered the things I like about the best heist flicks: suspense, trickery, a plot twist or two, and humor. This is a dead-on heist/comedy that surprised me with a couple of twists.

I've always been a Michael Caine fan, so naturally I'll tell you that his performance here is up to his high standards. I've never really been a Shirley MacClaine fan, though, so it was a surprise to me that she was so good in her role.

What kind of summary can I give without giving everything away? Harry Dean (Caine) has his sights on some loot, but needs a partner for his scheme. Nicole Chang (MacClaine) turns out to be everything he hoped for. But he didn't count on her being as clever or as alluring as she turns out to be.

8/10

The Matrix (1999)

Smarter Than Rambo

[8/10 · 6 July 1999]

I enjoyed this movie, but I don't think it merits as much excitement as it has generated.

This is an action movie that borrows some familiar ideas from paranoid science fiction. The photography and other production values are outstanding. The action sequences are the best you'll see anywhere (see it on the big screen if you can). The acting (except Fishburne, who's got a screen presence you can practically weigh, and who's perfect for his part here to boot) is merely passable. The plot details (some of them) are laugh-out-loud ridiculous. Well, I laughed out loud, anyhow, but I'll admit I may have been the only one.

In a lot of ways, this movie feels like it was adapted from a comic book - there are questions and details about the back story that the movie never answers or explains adequately, and some parts of the plot seem rushed or glossed over. In fact, I think it might have worked better if it took a hint from the X-files, and left even more detail unexplained and mysterious - it would be better than silly, disappointing explanations, anyway.

The Matrix recovers from it's flaws pretty well, and tells an absorbing tale. Despite the violence, it does manage to hint at how thought-provoking science-fiction movies could be, if Hollywood didn't insist on all the big explosions.

All in all, an action movie with above-average intelligence - for an action movie.

Wild Wild West (1999)

Two hours of your life that you will never get back

[1/10 · 6 July 1999]

I generally avoid paying full price for first-run movie tickets because of this sort of drivel. Unfortunately, I let some friends talk me into making an exception, and I actually sat through this clunker. It was a hot July day, and the theater was well air-conditioned, which is all that prevented this experience from being a total waste of money.

An awful lot of acting talent was just thrown away in this movie. Will Smith can actually act, at least a little - see "Six Degrees Of Separation" for an example - but here he just plays "The Fresh Prince Wears A Cowboy Hat," which is probably all that's expected of him these days. Kevin Kline can be wonderfully goofy - see "A Fish Called Wanda" - or, if the script is bad enough, he can be the boring, two-dimensional caricature he is in this movie. Salma Hayek was great in "Fools Rush In," but in this movie, her big scene is showing the camera her naked butt. I'm not making this up. Why did she even agree to be a part of this train wreck? Strangely enough, Kenneth Branagh is in this movie (slumming I guess), filling his evil nemesis role out as well as can be expected - easily the best of a bunch of pretty weak performances. M Emmet Walsh plays a part so tiny that an extra could have done it.

This is a standard Hollywood mismatched-cop-partners/action movie at heart, but it can't even fill out that tired old formula worth a darn. The plots in movies of this kind are rarely worth discussing - rest assured that this one lives up to that standard, at least. The formula seems like it must be easy to get right - beat up a bad guy, make a smart remark, beat up another bad guy, etc, ad infinitum. But the fights should be exciting, and the one-liners should be funny. They aren't. It was painful to see a full theater unanimously refuse to even snicker at a jokes that the movie makers obviously thought would get belly laughs. According to the formula, the mismatched cop partners should eventually take a believable shine to each other, but these characters lack enough depth to have any chemistry at all.

My friends and I all enjoyed other movies of this sort when done properly (Lethal Weapon) and other Will Smith movies (The Fresh Prince Saves The Planet - uh, I mean Men In Black). Yet we all agreed that this stunk. I want my money back.

The Conversation (1974)

This movie shows you that you SHOULD be paranoid

[25 May 1999]

How strange it was to watch this movie after seeing Hackman's role in the more recent "Enemy of the State," where Hackman again plays an alienated, crabby, and justifiably paranoid spy. And no wonder, he seems perfect for the part. Hackman's Harry Caul can be rude, forceful and thoroughly unpleasant without seeming really threatening or dangerous. He's nasty, but he's vulnerable. He's human. I feel like I've met this guy.

Harry is a surveillance expert who has recently completed a masterpiece of spy-craft, the taping of an enigmatic conversation that took place in the middle of a crowded city park (Union Square, San Francisco). The powers that be express an unexpected amount of interest in the tape, the contents of which make little sense to Harry or anyone else who hears it. Against his better judgement, and even against his will, Harry pieces together the conversation's meaning. The process is tense and suspenseful, with plot twists worthy of Hitchcock.

One of my favorite things about this movie is the way Harry will find a clue here, a hint there - and then we watch as Harry recalls some snippet of the conversation, this time finding new meanings and ominous new subtexts. We come to understand the conversation piece by piece, as Harry does. Too many modern "suspense" movies spill the beans early on, in favor of climatic action sequences. There is none of that here - this movie could almost be classified as a mystery. All is explained at the end of the film, but that IS the end. There are no silly showdowns.

Along the way, we get a taste of just how many ways there are of spying on and prying into the lives of unsuspecting people. Harry's arsenal of gadgetry and trickery is enough to make the viewer a little paranoid even in the 1990s, 20 years later. And the real spies have had those 20 years to invent new tricks. Yikes.

If you like suspense movies and don't think they require car chases or guns, this is a must-see.

Mission: Impossible (1996)

Slick, Entertaining Summer Fluff

[30 April 1999]

Many have remarked that the plot was difficult to follow. I cannot agree; I found this to be a straightforward, formulaic Hollywood style action/thriller movie, and quite easy to follow if one pays the slightest attention.

That said, though, it was an extremely well done formulaic Hollywood style action/thriller. If you're not expecting deep sub-texts, moral dilemmas, characters deeper than the average puddle, or anything at all very thought-provoking, this can be a very enjoyable flick. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) turns out to be more wily and resourceful than the average action hero. The computer-oriented mumbo jumbo is marginally less awful than in typical Hollywood fare. Many of the individual bits are derivative of other movies, but they are each done well and put together well.

The much hyped "breaking into the ultra secure computer room through the ceiling" scene, in particular, was a pretty obvious rip-off of the climatic theft scene in "Topkapi". (I see "Gislef" has commented on "Topkapi," indicating that Mission Impossible was actually BASED on "Topkapi." Well, I guess I learn something new every day.)

Bring popcorn. It's that sort of movie.