I have a few LBP movies and most of them suck. I mean really suck. Like the only thing funny about them would be if you were in them and had a bunch of inside jokes you guys get to yourselves sucks. But this is actually the best of what LBP has to offer. Which isn't good by any means, but it is better than some other crap they put out. Horrible acting and actors you would have a better time beating the crap outta than watching their "movie". I can say that Bonejack and Teen Ape can kind of grow on you so beware! It's a hate thing that can blur into curiosity I guess. I warned you. Ariauna is indeed just going through the motions in this one. Clearly she was bored and needed a bit of extra $. This, like most LBP stuff really only becomes fun to watch if you are friends with Chris. What's odd is that there is a Debbie Rochon tribute on here and she isn't in this flick???? Oh well. If you liked anything by LBP-this one is the goldmine for ya, if not--better stay away from this one.
9 Reviews
monster squad reimagined as a bad home video directed by a porno filmmaker
scamlookus28 June 2006
what the hell was this crap!??!? I am a big "Monster Squad" fan. I'm an even bigger fan of dir.Fred Dekker who made the under-rated "Night of the Creeps." I grew up in the '80s, on 80s exploitation horror films, and so I was all primed to see Destruction Kings. It's a rowdy B-movie homage to those fantasy-faced, over-the-top gore fests. Mostly, it's about the crazed devotion they inspired with their sublimely gore-fx theatrics. The movie, I'm afraid, isn't going to inspire much devotion. That's because...it sucks. Here are 10 reasons why:
1. the movies heroes, an idiot in an ape mask and the other being an Amos & Andy style caricature complete with bad Don King Wig, work for the P.I.A. (Paranormal institute). If that doesn't tickle your funny bone, the rest of the jokes won't.
2 The picture is raucous and meandering. The ape man named Teen Ape and the one-man minstrel show act named Bonehead hunt monsters. Namely Dracula, The Wolfman, and another racist caricature of blacks named Funkenstein. When they aren't hunting, they sit around debating popculture. Both are boring.
3 The director, Chris Seaver, isn't happy unless each scene features a wide-angle close-up of someone making a stupid face, bonked in the head, or rubbed against a fake dildo.
4 Tempe-horror movie queen (and brilliant actor) Ariauna Albright clearly is NOT enjoying herself here (She plays one of the monster hunters). Her zombie sarcasms, and lack of enthusiasm, is the movie's ONE funny joke. Clearly she knows this movie sucks. And it goes right over the director's head. Priceless.
5 The movie is shot on badly lit home video and has the feel of a bad porno without the goods. And it shows.
6 The director Chris Seaver plays the one-man Minstel Show named Bonehead, complete with bad racist Bill Cosby impression and bad black jokes about the size of his penis. Seaver is white. Yes, it's a white guy pretending to be black! HA! HA! HA? No, not really.
7 In the movie's single worst scene, the Apeman and Bonehead get into a badly choreographed fist fight in their P.I.A. office... which is just a highschool classroom that we are told is a government office. Did I mention they shot this in a highschool classroom?
8 Finally, after a bunch of bad filler dialogue with overly bland pop-culture references, we arrive at the monster fight... which lasts a grand total of 2 minutes.
9 The biggest insult. The movie monsters... fratboy geeks in caked-on makeup or bad wigs. Dracula is played by a fat guy who could be your neighborhood garbage man. The Wolfman looks like a hippie who tried to create dreddlocks out of his beard. Funkenstein is another fat guy who looks like he fell asleep with his head in a bucket of liquid latex. Maybe this is meant to be a big joke. Hardy, Har, Har. You intentionally made the movie monsters lame. Funny joke.
10 In the end, Destruction Kings is aptly titled since it is the King of bad no-budget horror and destroys any chance of being watchable from the opening frame.
1. the movies heroes, an idiot in an ape mask and the other being an Amos & Andy style caricature complete with bad Don King Wig, work for the P.I.A. (Paranormal institute). If that doesn't tickle your funny bone, the rest of the jokes won't.
2 The picture is raucous and meandering. The ape man named Teen Ape and the one-man minstrel show act named Bonehead hunt monsters. Namely Dracula, The Wolfman, and another racist caricature of blacks named Funkenstein. When they aren't hunting, they sit around debating popculture. Both are boring.
3 The director, Chris Seaver, isn't happy unless each scene features a wide-angle close-up of someone making a stupid face, bonked in the head, or rubbed against a fake dildo.
4 Tempe-horror movie queen (and brilliant actor) Ariauna Albright clearly is NOT enjoying herself here (She plays one of the monster hunters). Her zombie sarcasms, and lack of enthusiasm, is the movie's ONE funny joke. Clearly she knows this movie sucks. And it goes right over the director's head. Priceless.
5 The movie is shot on badly lit home video and has the feel of a bad porno without the goods. And it shows.
6 The director Chris Seaver plays the one-man Minstel Show named Bonehead, complete with bad racist Bill Cosby impression and bad black jokes about the size of his penis. Seaver is white. Yes, it's a white guy pretending to be black! HA! HA! HA? No, not really.
7 In the movie's single worst scene, the Apeman and Bonehead get into a badly choreographed fist fight in their P.I.A. office... which is just a highschool classroom that we are told is a government office. Did I mention they shot this in a highschool classroom?
8 Finally, after a bunch of bad filler dialogue with overly bland pop-culture references, we arrive at the monster fight... which lasts a grand total of 2 minutes.
9 The biggest insult. The movie monsters... fratboy geeks in caked-on makeup or bad wigs. Dracula is played by a fat guy who could be your neighborhood garbage man. The Wolfman looks like a hippie who tried to create dreddlocks out of his beard. Funkenstein is another fat guy who looks like he fell asleep with his head in a bucket of liquid latex. Maybe this is meant to be a big joke. Hardy, Har, Har. You intentionally made the movie monsters lame. Funny joke.
10 In the end, Destruction Kings is aptly titled since it is the King of bad no-budget horror and destroys any chance of being watchable from the opening frame.
Unbelievably bad
cpetr136 April 2009
This film(?) is what happens when you give untalented children access to a camcorder and various rooms around town. Unfortunately, these children are in their twenties. Despite what I have read about this film,, it is NOT the budget that I or most others object to; it is the infantile approach to making movies and comedy in general. This is not a low-budget movie; "Plan 9" was a low-budget movie. This is a HOME movie that someone actually got someone to distribute; I doubt even Troma would touch this cinematic toxic waste.
Again, the budget isn't the issue. if you don't have the budget for costumes or make-up, then simplify the design. If you can't afford writers, don't waste the tape.
As someone who knows both situations, I'd rather have pulmonary embolisms than see another pile of dreck like this. If you are reading this, I implore you to rent anything else, as long as it isn't made by Chris Seaver. Life is just too short. Might I suggest early John Waters? Just a slow-budget and a hundred times more entertaining. It's what talent can do when there is no money.
Again, the budget isn't the issue. if you don't have the budget for costumes or make-up, then simplify the design. If you can't afford writers, don't waste the tape.
As someone who knows both situations, I'd rather have pulmonary embolisms than see another pile of dreck like this. If you are reading this, I implore you to rent anything else, as long as it isn't made by Chris Seaver. Life is just too short. Might I suggest early John Waters? Just a slow-budget and a hundred times more entertaining. It's what talent can do when there is no money.
This should be banned by the Geneva Convention.
bloodstained_memory23 November 2007
Destruction Kings. Destruction Kings.
That's about the only thing a person can possibly like about the movie, the title. After that it turns into another Seaver puke-fest that not even detainees at Guantanamo Bay or Dr. Harvey Finkelstein deserve.
On second thought, Dr. Finkelstien deserves this.
I sat through this, nobody had a gun to my head, but I wish somebody did. I would have promptly requested for my brain to be splattered the moment Bonejack came on screen. It is not because of the black-face, not because of the pitiful attempt of comedy. Because it's a tired running gag that only the director/actor/writer seems to enjoy with such a passion.
I gave it a fair and deserving chance rather than judge all of their films as garbage like I did their previous older films. This movie taught me not assume that people improve upon their mistakes.
There are plenty of people who will defend this movie because it's" Low Budget". Low Budget is no excuse for lack of talent, lack of direction, lack of humor, lack of creativity and lack of originality; even the local college's student film program has churned out better films with less money (Film budget ranges between What's in Your Pocket and What you can earn before the end of the semester.) than Low Budget Productions. No excuses, LBP's "supposed"unique idealism towards movies is utter absurdity and insults the intelligence of anyone who dares give them a chance.
In Closing ; Do not fall for those false positive reviews you may have stumbled upon floating around other websites such as Amazon, Netflix and even here. I was a victim of those fake reviews and I find it utterly pathetic when a production company has to sink to manipulating information about their films to gather attention. Avoid Destruction Kings at all costs, it's not even worth using as a Frisbee.
That's about the only thing a person can possibly like about the movie, the title. After that it turns into another Seaver puke-fest that not even detainees at Guantanamo Bay or Dr. Harvey Finkelstein deserve.
On second thought, Dr. Finkelstien deserves this.
I sat through this, nobody had a gun to my head, but I wish somebody did. I would have promptly requested for my brain to be splattered the moment Bonejack came on screen. It is not because of the black-face, not because of the pitiful attempt of comedy. Because it's a tired running gag that only the director/actor/writer seems to enjoy with such a passion.
I gave it a fair and deserving chance rather than judge all of their films as garbage like I did their previous older films. This movie taught me not assume that people improve upon their mistakes.
There are plenty of people who will defend this movie because it's" Low Budget". Low Budget is no excuse for lack of talent, lack of direction, lack of humor, lack of creativity and lack of originality; even the local college's student film program has churned out better films with less money (Film budget ranges between What's in Your Pocket and What you can earn before the end of the semester.) than Low Budget Productions. No excuses, LBP's "supposed"unique idealism towards movies is utter absurdity and insults the intelligence of anyone who dares give them a chance.
In Closing ; Do not fall for those false positive reviews you may have stumbled upon floating around other websites such as Amazon, Netflix and even here. I was a victim of those fake reviews and I find it utterly pathetic when a production company has to sink to manipulating information about their films to gather attention. Avoid Destruction Kings at all costs, it's not even worth using as a Frisbee.
Video in its lowest form
blurnieghey24 October 2021
I grew up watching low-budget movies. I loved the grittiness and seeing what a filmmaker with a little imagination and an OK story could do with limited funds. With the advent of straight-to-video and the home video market in the 80's, it all went to hell and has been getting significantly worse since the late 1980's / early 1990's with no signs of it ever being interesting again. Now, with radical improvements in technology and affordability, any no-talent jerk can be a "filmmaker", flooding the public with an even lower grade of unentertaining crap and, if you have no idea what I am talking about, allow me to use this film as Exhibit A. This piece of garbage is nothing but a home movie and an inside joke that has no business being foisted on the general public. There is simply nothing good about it. Nothing. The "humor" would insult the intelligence of a 12-year-old, the acting is crap (primarily because none of these clowns are actors), and the "story" is meandering, nonsensical garbage. Unless you were one of the people involved in making the thing, I can't imagine how it could possibly be of any sort of entertainment value.
If memory serves, one of the guys behind this release was involved with the likes of "Chickboxer", which should speak volumes about where this piece of video excrement is coming from. If you have any sense at all, you'll avoid this video like a venereal disease. Just the worst of the worst.
If memory serves, one of the guys behind this release was involved with the likes of "Chickboxer", which should speak volumes about where this piece of video excrement is coming from. If you have any sense at all, you'll avoid this video like a venereal disease. Just the worst of the worst.
REALLY
freakshow-6544831 October 2023
I would love to give it a negative 10 but you cant do that so a 1 it is! I honestly am not really sure what to say about this movie. I will give these guys the benifit of the doubt and assume this is what they meant to make. Im just not sure why they would release this to the public. Im preatty sure a very large bottle of jack was consumed before the decision was made to release this movie.
One thing that is nice and refreshinh about this movie. Its nice to see that anyone with a pocket full of quarters, 3 brain cells, and a number of friends can actually make a movie. Im just trying to figure out WHY they would. Im sure those friends are not friends any longer but hey! You got the film down before they enter into a rehab clinic.
Bottom line this movie is conciderably less enjoyable than explosive diarrhea.
One thing that is nice and refreshinh about this movie. Its nice to see that anyone with a pocket full of quarters, 3 brain cells, and a number of friends can actually make a movie. Im just trying to figure out WHY they would. Im sure those friends are not friends any longer but hey! You got the film down before they enter into a rehab clinic.
Bottom line this movie is conciderably less enjoyable than explosive diarrhea.
Chris Seaver's at it again
Leofwine_draca6 March 2017
Warning: Spoilers
DESTRUCTION KINGS is another waste of time micro-budget tale from director Chris Seaver, the man most directly responsible for the appalling FILTHY MCNASTY trilogy. Thankfully it's slightly better than those films but only very slightly, and it's still an entirely worthless waste-of-time viewing experience.
The story is a would-be 'monster mash' featuring Frankenstein's Monster and Dracula hanging around alongside Seaver's personal obsession, Teen Ape (a stupid guy in an ape mask). This seems to have been filmed in a bunch of school corridors and back rooms and contains the usual run of bad overacting and bad taste shenanigans, although there's nothing here as explicit as in FILTHY MCNASTY. The most offensive thing about it is the British accent that one of the actors attempts.
The story is a would-be 'monster mash' featuring Frankenstein's Monster and Dracula hanging around alongside Seaver's personal obsession, Teen Ape (a stupid guy in an ape mask). This seems to have been filmed in a bunch of school corridors and back rooms and contains the usual run of bad overacting and bad taste shenanigans, although there's nothing here as explicit as in FILTHY MCNASTY. The most offensive thing about it is the British accent that one of the actors attempts.
Great Movie
randomthoughtsofmadness23 July 2006
This movie is a lot of fun, and those of you who were sadly disappointed, like the guy who's review graced the top of the review list heres a little catch 22 that perhaps skimmed over your head when you were about to watch the movie: The name of the film company that makes the movie is called: Low Budget Pictures Think about that for a moment. So why are you acting all outraged or upset about the film? It was made with no intention of being "Good" by your high standards at all.
If you should be mad at anyone you should be mad at yourself for having your head way up your... Well anyway, Destruction Kings is a great fun movie, if you like cinematic junk food.
Chris Seaver makes a special kind of movie, and honestly, if you can't walk the walk, don't talk the talk, the guy does manage to get his films released, want to give it a try yourself my young bard?
If you should be mad at anyone you should be mad at yourself for having your head way up your... Well anyway, Destruction Kings is a great fun movie, if you like cinematic junk food.
Chris Seaver makes a special kind of movie, and honestly, if you can't walk the walk, don't talk the talk, the guy does manage to get his films released, want to give it a try yourself my young bard?
ONE OF THE WORST YET
nogodnomasters22 April 2019
Warning: Spoilers
This is a terrible film. It starts out with a man in drag telling two other men, one with a rubber ape mask and another with Don King's hairdo that they need to keep a low profile. This is another Tempe crapper. If you have seen any of the "Bad Movie Police" you will recognize one of the buxom cops who is critical of theses movies, actually stars in this one.
A team of geeks go after monsters who want to take over the world by creating an army of followers one at a time, starting in strip joints. Frankenstein has a British accent and later sounds like Arnold. Plenty of cheap laughs and crude humor.
F-bomb, simulated oral sex, no nudity, sex talk
A team of geeks go after monsters who want to take over the world by creating an army of followers one at a time, starting in strip joints. Frankenstein has a British accent and later sounds like Arnold. Plenty of cheap laughs and crude humor.
F-bomb, simulated oral sex, no nudity, sex talk
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