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Clown (2019)
Welcome to the fun house
In 1994 the Gaspari Family Circus sets up in Hidden Desert, Nevada. The minister in the town didn't like their sinful ways so the town folks killed them. One child got away. 25 years later a group of teens on their way to a music festival end up in said town and enter the funhouse looking for a missing compadre. Need I say more?
They couldn't get out of the funhouse and it was apparent the walls were made from boards even I could kick out and it had a tin roof. We hear they are "metal" walls. Yes, metal walls with knot holes. One look at Sam Lazarus and you know the guy who looks like the kid in the wheelchair from "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is going to die.
Guide: No sex or nudity. No swearing that I recall.
Aniara (2018)
Lost in Space
After the Earth dies, people relocate to Mars in a spaceship with gravity, restaurants, private quarters, and a disco. The film focuses on Mimaroben, or MR (Emelie Jonsson). She operates the MIMA which is like a dream machine. It takes a serene place from your memory and allows you to go there in your mind. She is in love with Isagel (Bianca Cruzeiro). Ten minutes into the film, they veer off course to avoid space debris but catches a bolt which kills the reactor. They are now in space unable to correct their course but assures the people they will correct course at the next orb except there isn't one.
The film has hope and they survive off the algae. It examines people over long term relationships stuck in one space,
Guide: No F-word. Sex and nudity.
Spider in the Web (2019)
These are my orders
Adereth (Ben Kingsley) works for the Mossad. He has contact with a general in Syria and they are investigating to see if a Dutch company is aiding Syria to develop chemical weapons. The general is kidnapped. Adereth has been falsifying reports and keeping the general's payment. He is called back to Antwerp where he continues his investigation. He is also being investigated. Young Mossad agent Daniel (Itay Tiran) is assigned to watch Adereth, who worked closely with Daniel's father.
The story lacks cohesive linearity. It was boring much of the way, even the killing scenes were a yawn. Claimed to have been inspired by true events.
Guide: F-word. Implied sex. No nudity.
Ready or Not (2019)
He is useless, but he is one of us
The film is a dark comedy and a generic spoof of family ritualistic satanic films. It opens with a wedding to Beethoven's 9th symphony D minor etc played during "Clockwork Orange" while Alex DeLong was being tortured by his own love for the music. Grace, a commoner (Samara Weaving) is going to wed Alex Le Domas whose family has "more money than God." They made their money from the manufacturing of games. At Midnight, they must play a game drawn from a card taken from an old box that they play or die. Grace was hoping for checkers.
The title hints at the game and film poster of an armed bride who is dirty, tattered, and torn tells you what happens. The film had a number of light moments with an ending that made me laugh. Melanie Scrofano plays Emilie who loves her cocaine and can't shoot straight. Some of the players are apathetic about the game but play because they are told they must or die. The family consisted of a cast of characters that made the film fun.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
The Utah Cabin Murders (2019)
You're not getting my purse
This is apparently based on a true story judging by how bad the film was and the results of the trial given at the end. Two prisoners break out of Salt Lake in 1990 and wind up in Oakly, Utah with clown masks at Christmas. They break into a cabin and murder some folks as you might be able to figure out from the title. The family was not Mormon and it was very green outside for winter. Having never been to Oakly, I don't know if it stays green year-round and the trees never lose their leaves. I just expected snow. Could be one of those Hollywood subliminal messages about climate change or an apathetic director on a budget? The acting was not good. I wish they had killed a few more people and earlier. Lee McQueen has David Hess potential. Is make-up still outlawed in Utah?
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity
Doll Cemetery (2019)
Follow rule 1.
This is another Steven M. Smith doll film that should not have been made. Brendan Cobbs (Jon-Paul Gates) has writer's block. His agent sends him on a rural retreat. He gets a doll in the mail, one that we have seen come to life before and kill two people. Doll gives him nightmares and he is told to follow rule 1.
Acting was bad. Could have used a decent soundtrack. Dull and boring for the most part. Even the writing within the script was sad.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
The Boat (2018)
Please open the door
Joe Azzopardi takes a small boat off of Malta and discovers a bump, dense fog, and an abandon sailing ship, the Aelous Valetta. Joe boards the vessel and soon discovers he is alone on the ship and his ride has left. On a historic note, in 1886 the Aelous was sunk when it collided with the Valetta. Things happen on the ship that tests Joe and threatens his life. He manages to avoid the large Sealand cargo vessel that killed Robert Redford and not soon enough. Sorry for that plot "spoiler".
The film is slow-moving. And it doesn't give real closure. It does show a small cavern on an island if you know anything about Aelous, you might connect the two.
Guide: No swearing, sex, or nudity. Note to self: If locked in a room and the hinges face you try to knock out the pin
Maze (2017)
The future is already settled
This is Northern Ireland's "Great Escape." It takes place in 1983 following a hunger strike in a prison called "The Maze". Larry Marley (Tom Vaughan-Lawlor) if the IRA manages to talk his way into doing janitorial duties for the warden (Barry Ward). He maps out the facility and notices all the devices in place to monitor activity. He plans an impossible escape.
This is a prison drama based on a true story. The ones with Sly Stone as an old guy were better. Interesting as a history.
Guide: No sex or nudity. Don't recall any swearing.
Nomis (2018)
There's no safety on that
In Minnesota, where the sun never shines, a man is abducting and killing women. There is a detective (Henry Cavill) on the job. Also, a retired judge (Ben Kingsley) working as a vigilante is after predators making Chris Hansen look like a sissy with his gelding technique. And he doesn't write bad checks. Their paths cross as they catch the man who has been abducting girls for years. However simple Simon (Brendan Fletcher) has the mind of a child. How could he do it? Multiple personalities? Network?
This was an interesting story. Not the twist I expected. The film opens with the proverbial girl in panties, running at full tilt, being chased by a big guy walking and she can't get away. You might want to ignore the teaser.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity
The Furies (2019)
I saved you
The film centers on Kayla (Airlie Dodds) an epileptic. She is kidnapped along with other girls and becomes hunted in the vicinity of the abandoned Eureka Springs Gold Mine. For some reason, the girls are not topless. (Who is making these things?)
This is not your run of the mill girls being hunted with cutting tools by grunting men in animal masks. It includes team pairing, exploding heads, and unique cameras. Nice creepy Aussie trees.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity in a girls being hunted film by guys.
Sextuplets (2019)
A mishappenstance
Alan (Marlon Wayans ) works for Tick-Tock Media in Atlanta composing greeting cards. His wife (Bresha Webb) is expecting and Alan doesn't know his family history. He discovers he is one of sextuplets and is attempting to visit them all before the baby is born. The sibling charters are all played by Marlon Wayans, and may look familiar. The humor was juvenile and at times crude. The characters were more idiotic than funny with Waylon unable to pull off what Eddie Murphy could do successfully. It is clear Wayans is not in the same league. He would have been better off not trying. Might like it if you are 13.
Guide: No swearing, sex, or nudity.
Hurricane (2018)
They love our Poles
A group of Polish fighters makes it to England where they fly for the RAF. They were very effective in fighting against Germany with memories of murdered loved ones to spur them on. The fight for a country that they can never go back to as the allies appeased Stalin. The film was more drama than a war film.
Guide: F-word. Brief sex. No nudity.
Wish Man (2019)
Have a drink and a cigar
This is a heartwarming biopic of Officer Frank Shankwitz (Andrew Steel). He is seen a throw away child who always landed on his feet. As a child and officer, he learned the lessons of helping others. The film includes his unlikely relationship with Kitty Carlisle (Kirby Bliss Blanton). Not THE Kitty Carlisle.
Guide: No swearing, sex, or nudity.
The Dead Don't Die (2019)
This is all going to end badly.
In the fictional Western Pa. town of Centerville ( a real nice place near Latrobe) the dead come back to life because of polar fracking which is also lengthening the days. Bill Murray who got his head blown off in his previous zombie film returns as Chief Cliff Robertson. The town of less than 800 people has its own TV station, motel, and restaurant. The earth's rotation is also a mess extending the day. Hermit Bob (Tom Waits) is our voice of reason, a role that has Woody Harrelson written all over it. At the end, he explains the zombie metaphor. Bill Murray gets to kill Carol Kane who haunted him in "Scrooged." The skewed day appears to be a homage to "Plan 9 from Outer Space" famous for its day then suddenly night scenes as Ed Wood didn't think anyone would notice. Tilda Swinton reminded me of Uma Thurman from "Kill Bill" as she plays a Scottish Samurai undertaker. George Romero is mentioned when a Pontiac Lemans drives up, although it was the wrong year and color. The biggest building in this small town was the Juvenile Correction Center. Steve Buscemi plays a bigot whose coffee is "too black" and wears a cap, "Make America White Again" around Danny Glover, an activist in real life. Iggy Pop walks around as a zombie with a pot of decaf. Sturgill Simpson whose soundtrack was plugged many times, also plays a zombie dragging a guitar. Rosie Perez has her name changed a bit as newscaster Posie Juarez. Adam Driver who plays Kylo Ren on "Star Wars" has a Star Wars key chain. And I know I must have missed a dozen with Caleb Landry Jones playing a pop culture geek. Loved the details.
Guide; F-word. No sex or nudity.
Bennett's War (2019)
And Marshall wins!
Marshall Bennett (Michael Roark) raced dirt bikes, joined the army, rode bikes, got blown up and didn't ride bikes. Doctors told him not to ride bikes or he might never walk. Ignoring the professional advice of several doctors, needing to pay the mortgage on the family farm because Trace Adkins knows nothing about irrigation, he races which his wife hates and then loves.
He races against the evil Walker brothers whose characters were never developed. It was a bad Lifetime type of film.
Guide: No sex or nudity. No swearing that I recall.
Reality Queen! (2019)
Heir Heads
The film centers on pop culture icon London Logo (Julia Faye West). She is famous for being famous being a combination of Anne Nicole Smith and Paris Hilton. It is a basic satire on our modern obsessed hash tag society that follows no talent individuals. In many ways it reminded me of "Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping." I had to laugh. Film also stars Denise Richards.
Guide: F-word. No sex. Pixilated nudity.
Burn (2019)
Why don't you want me?
Melinda (Tilda Cobham-Hervey) works at a gas station and suffers from low self-esteem for reasons we don't know. She wants a relationship with a man, any man. She works with Shelia (Suki Waterhouse) a self-centered blonde, glued to her phone, who is of no help to Melinda's self-esteem. Then we have a robbery gone bad.
The production is all about the odd character of Melinda who is unpredictable for such a quiet person. I enjoyed it.
Guide: F-word. Near sex. No nudity.
The Kitchen (2019)
We got criminals
When three Irish mobsters go to prison, their wives take over the business of selling protection, taking over Big Momma's territory of Hell's Kitchen. With the construction of the Javitz Center looming in the background, everyone wants a piece of the pie.
The film was done very well. Initially, I thought it was based on a true story with the attention to details. The production used a female vocal period soundtrack.
Guide: F-word. Sex. No nudity.
Driven (2018)
It's hard to say
This is a biopic about Jim Hoffman, a drug smuggler. who got caught and turned informant. When his neighbor John DeLorean (Lee Pace) needs to make some quick money, Jim (Jason Sudeikis) agrees to help him out.
This was a great script, told as a flashback from the witness stand. Jason Sudeikis plays the part almost like Matt Damon in "The Informant." He is slightly inept but is able to get the job done. Sort of.
Guide: F-word. Nudity (Erin Moriarty)
The Banana Splits Movie (2019)
Tra La La
In this film, the Banana Splits have been running since 1967 out of Taft 1 studio. The Splits are robots. Harley (Finlay Wojtak-Hissong ) is a kid obsessed with the show, even mentioning how idiotic and repetitive the whole thing is. For his birthday he goes to a live taping of the show with minor family issues. The audience is in part kids and adults who have grown up watching the show. Drooper gets a computer update which turns all the group into adult killers and child captors.
It was an interesting concept. I am still holding out for Johnny Quest meets Jason. I was disappointed that they didn't capitalize on the potential with clever dialogue and top "B" stars.
Guide: No swearing, sex, or nudity.
Teacher (2019)
Sometimes you gotta pick a side
James Lewis (David Dastmalchian) was bullied as a child. He has mood swings, a drinking problem, and is getting divorced. He goes to great lengths to protect two students that are being bullied by the school's top pitcher.
You may never grow tired of watching films and bullying, but I do. This one was one of the most boring of the lot. It follows the theme of the character of Shylock.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
The Child Remains (2017)
Suffer the Little Children
The film uses the "Butterbox Babies" as a historical background from the Ideal Maternity Home in East Chester, Nova Scotia. It charged women to have babies there and then placed the babies up for sale. The ones that were not adoptable slowly starved to death. In this film, the place is now a bed and breakfast.
Liam (Allan Hawco) and his wife Rae (Suzanne Clément) go there to celebrate her birthday, late in the season. Rae is a journalist who suffers from PTSD and has connected to the house which triggers images. Things do not seem right as she insists on investigating. Liam is an unsuccessful jingo writer and lives in his wife's shadow.
And then the ending happened which was too much too soon. Not as bad a space aliens in Indian Jones.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
The Martyr Maker (2018)
I'm going to heaven
The film opens with a bigoted narrow-minded quote from Theodore Roosevelt as if he meant anything to me. The film moves to CIA agent Terry Davis (Tom Sizemore ) searching for Saif-Uddin Mohamed (Shiek Mahmud-Bey) a Muslim radical who converts people to jihadist. He is in NYC where he is attempting to radicalize Zahid Khoury (Alexander Mercier) a non-religious Muslim from Pakistan. He likes cigarettes, booze, and pepperoni on his pizza.
The story could have been far better if they didn't have Sizemore play a stereotypical cartoon character. Zahid became radicalized when NYC's finest beat him and insulted them. And when does someone cuffed to a hospital bed get visitors? Would someone who is wanted even go there? And let's make his sister a lesbian because the story can't carry itself. Horrible acting and dialogue.
Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.
Hoax (2019)
We didn't stage any of this.
A group of college kids goes into the woods to have sex and get eaten by Bigfoot. One goes missing. There is some self-made drone footage. It is known as the Mountaineer Massacre. Failed reality producer Rick Paxton (Ben Browder) wants to shoot a film there about Bigfoot. He rounds up a crew except for Adrienne Barbeau who doesn't want to go back into that swamp again. Did I miss anything else clever?
The goes along well and then OMG why did they ruin it? Did I spend all my time watching this film for this?
Guide: F-word, sex, nudity (Lauren Ashlyn O'Brien).
Marked for Trade (2019)
It could open up some wounds
Stella (Lauren Johnson) is a lawyer and a detective working in the new human trafficking department. Her sister was a victim and now she is searching for Tori (Minne Dosh). The film leans more toward a murder case than human trafficking.
You can't help but notice the horrible uneven sound. The acting was worse than a high school play. the dialogue was the pits. Not worth the effort.
Guide: No swearing, sex, or nudity.