what the hell was this crap!??!? I am a big "Monster Squad" fan. I'm an even bigger fan of dir.Fred Dekker who made the under-rated "Night of the Creeps." I grew up in the '80s, on 80s exploitation horror films, and so I was all primed to see Destruction Kings. It's a rowdy B-movie homage to those fantasy-faced, over-the-top gore fests. Mostly, it's about the crazed devotion they inspired with their sublimely gore-fx theatrics. The movie, I'm afraid, isn't going to inspire much devotion. That's because...it sucks. Here are 10 reasons why:
1. the movies heroes, an idiot in an ape mask and the other being an Amos & Andy style caricature complete with bad Don King Wig, work for the P.I.A. (Paranormal institute). If that doesn't tickle your funny bone, the rest of the jokes won't.
2 The picture is raucous and meandering. The ape man named Teen Ape and the one-man minstrel show act named Bonehead hunt monsters. Namely Dracula, The Wolfman, and another racist caricature of blacks named Funkenstein. When they aren't hunting, they sit around debating popculture. Both are boring.
3 The director, Chris Seaver, isn't happy unless each scene features a wide-angle close-up of someone making a stupid face, bonked in the head, or rubbed against a fake dildo.
4 Tempe-horror movie queen (and brilliant actor) Ariauna Albright clearly is NOT enjoying herself here (She plays one of the monster hunters). Her zombie sarcasms, and lack of enthusiasm, is the movie's ONE funny joke. Clearly she knows this movie sucks. And it goes right over the director's head. Priceless.
5 The movie is shot on badly lit home video and has the feel of a bad porno without the goods. And it shows.
6 The director Chris Seaver plays the one-man Minstel Show named Bonehead, complete with bad racist Bill Cosby impression and bad black jokes about the size of his penis. Seaver is white. Yes, it's a white guy pretending to be black! HA! HA! HA? No, not really.
7 In the movie's single worst scene, the Apeman and Bonehead get into a badly choreographed fist fight in their P.I.A. office... which is just a highschool classroom that we are told is a government office. Did I mention they shot this in a highschool classroom?
8 Finally, after a bunch of bad filler dialogue with overly bland pop-culture references, we arrive at the monster fight... which lasts a grand total of 2 minutes.
9 The biggest insult. The movie monsters... fratboy geeks in caked-on makeup or bad wigs. Dracula is played by a fat guy who could be your neighborhood garbage man. The Wolfman looks like a hippie who tried to create dreddlocks out of his beard. Funkenstein is another fat guy who looks like he fell asleep with his head in a bucket of liquid latex. Maybe this is meant to be a big joke. Hardy, Har, Har. You intentionally made the movie monsters lame. Funny joke.
10 In the end, Destruction Kings is aptly titled since it is the King of bad no-budget horror and destroys any chance of being watchable from the opening frame.
1. the movies heroes, an idiot in an ape mask and the other being an Amos & Andy style caricature complete with bad Don King Wig, work for the P.I.A. (Paranormal institute). If that doesn't tickle your funny bone, the rest of the jokes won't.
2 The picture is raucous and meandering. The ape man named Teen Ape and the one-man minstrel show act named Bonehead hunt monsters. Namely Dracula, The Wolfman, and another racist caricature of blacks named Funkenstein. When they aren't hunting, they sit around debating popculture. Both are boring.
3 The director, Chris Seaver, isn't happy unless each scene features a wide-angle close-up of someone making a stupid face, bonked in the head, or rubbed against a fake dildo.
4 Tempe-horror movie queen (and brilliant actor) Ariauna Albright clearly is NOT enjoying herself here (She plays one of the monster hunters). Her zombie sarcasms, and lack of enthusiasm, is the movie's ONE funny joke. Clearly she knows this movie sucks. And it goes right over the director's head. Priceless.
5 The movie is shot on badly lit home video and has the feel of a bad porno without the goods. And it shows.
6 The director Chris Seaver plays the one-man Minstel Show named Bonehead, complete with bad racist Bill Cosby impression and bad black jokes about the size of his penis. Seaver is white. Yes, it's a white guy pretending to be black! HA! HA! HA? No, not really.
7 In the movie's single worst scene, the Apeman and Bonehead get into a badly choreographed fist fight in their P.I.A. office... which is just a highschool classroom that we are told is a government office. Did I mention they shot this in a highschool classroom?
8 Finally, after a bunch of bad filler dialogue with overly bland pop-culture references, we arrive at the monster fight... which lasts a grand total of 2 minutes.
9 The biggest insult. The movie monsters... fratboy geeks in caked-on makeup or bad wigs. Dracula is played by a fat guy who could be your neighborhood garbage man. The Wolfman looks like a hippie who tried to create dreddlocks out of his beard. Funkenstein is another fat guy who looks like he fell asleep with his head in a bucket of liquid latex. Maybe this is meant to be a big joke. Hardy, Har, Har. You intentionally made the movie monsters lame. Funny joke.
10 In the end, Destruction Kings is aptly titled since it is the King of bad no-budget horror and destroys any chance of being watchable from the opening frame.