tim_sparks Reviews

Other World (2016)

The name is the key to the door of perception that you traverse to get to ..Other World

[10/10 · 17 December 2018]

Other World is, in fact just that. Some may fire up a piece of streaming media and watch what can be called a coherent story. With a story arc, protagonists. A conflict. Antagonists. Etc. They may trudge wearily from scene to scene laboring with the cumbersome lodestone of having some sort of opinion of what is going on, some sort of perception built from what they have seen so far.. their souls trapped by logic and reason!

Well my friends that is in *this* world. In Other World, we are not constrained by such shackles, by such cinematic chains. We are free to disconnect from the cinematic coil, to explore options. At random. We are free to embrace the complete and utter chaos that is Other World.

The part of this masterpiece that I personally found the most fulfilling is what I call 'the Improv Element.' What follows is a mere theory because in the face of such cosmic greatness, one can only have a theory. If you hear the voice of GOD, you disintegrate because your mortal ears cannot handle the Greatness of His Voice. So it is with any meaning or intentions behind Other World. We are mere mortals and to even get a nanosecond of understanding would cause us to peel away from our mortal coil like crisp skin from a delicious fried chicken, the kind of fried chicken that grandpappy used to take us to get at that old shack along the beach. I can still remember that smell.

OK and now the theory. I believe it is possible that each scene was assigned to a person, and the instructions were this. "Here are the main ingredients of the scene. You got an alien (spoiler alert!) You have people. You have bad dialogue and non acting. Horrible special effects. And here is where YOU make YOUR mark! For the scene YOU are in charge of you need to add in something extra or change something weirdly or both. Most importantly, it can not make a lick of sense. If it makes sense I will cut it!"

This explains the demon dogs. This explains the regular dogs. This explains the bleached human skeleton. This explains the times the alien is raw meat color. This explains the transformer robots. So many things.

If you are thinking.. this guy has just spoiled the movie for me. No. I guarantee you that no matter how much you know.. you will watch this movie in abject wonderment. And you will always know that you may understand THIS world. But.. not Other World.

Much like birth, this movie will take you from what you THOUGHT reality was to.. a new reality that you only then can start to process and try to understand. I would suggest you show this movie to a child, the younger the better and by the time that child reaches their late 90's.. have them write down in their Holy Text any understanding that they may have gleaned. Someday.. if we do this.. mankind may someday understand.. Other World.

Amen.

Killer Workout (1987)

Warning: Spoilers and a whole lot of erotic dancing

[10/10 · 6 August 2015]

I feel like this movie suffers from either "not enough nudity" or "excessive use of bimbos that have too many clothes on and no interesting dialogue or character development." If you raise the bar on the women themselves, it would be OK, or, if you gave me more nudity, it would also be OK.

Having said that, this is a fairly decent entry into the "redonkulous 80's horror movie debacles" category.

Nudity? Check. 80's fashion apocalypse? Check. Beefy guys with mullets homo-erotically fighting? Check. Soundtrack songs so kitchzy that you laugh out loud? Check. Puntastic title (Arobi-Cide!)? Check. Atrociously bad male acting that would make Shatner wince? Check. Oddly over the top facial expressions at random that don't fit the scene? Check. Aerobics moves that are probably actually some of the best sex moves you could ever expect out of your lady? Check.

My favorite moment in this film aside from the porntastic aerobics moves was when the detective was chasing a bad guy and was trying to pull his gun out of his inside suit jacket pocket. As he reaches in he fumbles around and then extracts the gun clumsily from the pocket with a weird smile on his face that fades when he remembers he is in a dramatic scene,. It's my guess that this scene was tough on him and maybe there were like 34 other takes where he didn't get the gun out. So , he is probably experiencing pure joy that the damn prop gun came out of the damn pocket finally. I had to rewind and watch this again and I laughed out loud.

Also, this actor's acting was so oddly .. off, that I immensely enjoyed every scene he stumbled his way through. I may actually seek out other movies that this guy is in to see if he is like this all the time. The unintentional hilarity of his performance is what sells this to me as an awesome 80's slasher flick.

Kudos for his car too, I hope real detectives get better car's than that one! LOL!

If you want this type of movie, you found it and you will love it.

Wolfcop (2014)

WolfFlop

[10/10 · 8 April 2015]

From the opening growl to its closing grunt, this film is a masterpiece to end all masterpieces regarding movies concerning alcoholic lyncanthropes.

WolfSPOLIERS!

We establish ASA-Freaking-P that the hero is a drunk.

He wakes up with a naked chick, something all of us alcoholics far too often do (it's the price we pay fellas), and finds a half full beer from the night before on a table. He drains it! Hell yes.

He's a cop! A drunk cop. If you pull the lyncanthropy out of this movie it wouldn't be WolfCop but would instead be DrunkCop. But a better title could be SceneryChewingDrunk. This guy is a walking talking smelly farting cliché to end all clichés right down to his batman-henchman 5:00 shadow. Anyways who can top the scene where he walks to his car and somehow drops his piece (thats "gun" for you hippies) and sends it sliding under the car. That was so real that for a moment I thought "did they just cut to real footage of a Detroit Cop from another vehicle's dash cam?" Brilliant.

How can you top that? You cannot. WAIT! Hold the phone, you can! As he is driving he has to pull over open the door and vomit on the ground. I had an OscarGasm at this moment. DeNiro, Pacino, Cruise, Yahoo Serious.. SUCK ON IT. You've all been pwned.

OK so, he gets to the police station and this is when the drinking I was doing to keep up with him took its tool. I just have little snapshot memories from here on out. #WolfP3nis! #B00bies! #RippedOffFaceUsedAsHilariousMask! #LotsOfDrinking. #ReptileAliens! #PeeingBlood! It was a hashbash of hashtaggary-worthy moments.

I found that once this movie ended, I learned a few valuable lessons about life in a lyncanthropic town.

1. Don't let hot women buy you 4-6 shots at a time, unless you know their motives.

2. A Mohawk-light on your tricked out cop car would be awesome!

3. Don't try to match a movie cliché character drink for drink

4. Don't become a werewolf! Your wolfc0ck is the first to change! Also, that would make a great death metal band. W0lfc0ck! Or is it already?

5. "Boober" is flat out the BEST name for a p0rn magazine ever. This needs to exist in real life

6. I would totally do shots (but not 6 or more in a row bought by a tricky woman) in a bar called "the Tooth and Nail."

7. The sequel title has the same font as Wolfen II so this means I am in. It's a lock fellas! Or was it Howling II? Either way, I'm in.

It's on NETFLIX. Fire this one up and check it out, it's WolfTastic. It contains many Wolfnannigans.

Super Shark (2011)

Atrocious suspension of scientific disbelief needed to tolerate this movie

[9/10 · 9 September 2013]

I saw this movie last night. Normally I can handle scifi, oops I mean SyFy, and the amazing tweaks to reality that it provides. I mean, a guy can shoot webs from his hands! Or fly. Or talk to fishes. Sweet.

But this movie goes too far and to make it even worse the dagger that is thrust into my back so heartlessly was thrust by non other than TV's legendary J.J. Walker!

OK so let me pull off this band aid quick so you don't sit there anticipating the pain. A bikini contest in THAT BAR for 1000 dollars. Yes. You heard me right. That tiny bar that had like .. I dunno.. 13 patrons who were sipping all night probably on their only beers. No cover charge. Cheering and fist pumping and wooing for .. 7 to 8 women (who I admit were delicious), and the woman who wins gets ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS?

What kind of a fool does this movie take us for? If that tiny little bar held that contest regularly it would be out of business in less than 3 months. That's.. usually these are weekly so once a week for 12 weeks. 12 grand. BOOM! Gone. And how much did they pull in? Not that much, I can tell you.

I'm not gonna lie to you, whose got two fingers and lots of small bar management experience This guy. A 1,000 bikini contest with those kind of parameters is as we say in the Biz "Mondo Fiasco," my friends.

So we're to believe that this was going on? This bartender not only was making it rain thousand dollar bills but ALSO paying for that radio station DJ who obviously WAS JJ, since he said "Dynamite!!!" ? That guy probably doesn't work for cheap!

That took me right out of the movie, I go from seeing gigantic whale sized sharks stride up on land on their flippers and leaping up in the air to snatch helicopters out of the sky, to this kind of obviously unrealistic NONSENSE? Did they not want to pay ONE SINGLE BAR MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT for a quick overview of the script?

COME ON.

For shame guys.

Deadheads (2011)

A worthy entry in an admitted over-saturated genre

[7/10 · 19 March 2012]

There are a BILLION zombie movies out there all the way from the truly excellent to the truly excrement. Some are just to show some nudity. Some are just to show someone's attempt at social commentary. Some are because some up and coming FX guy has a talent-boner he wants to thrust into our collective cosmic cine-a-vaginas. Or some video editing genius needs to show something for the 5,000 megazillion hours he spend on his awesome computer. In his momma's basement? Probably not but you get the point.

Sometimes a movie comes along that manages to combine some comedy, some drama, some shennanigans, and some pathos. And give you a darn good zombie movie. When it does so on a modest budget it's all the more surprising.

Deadheads is a movie like that. You have a nice twist on the genre at the start. I like how at one point the classic people in the house fighting off the outside zombie menace has two unique tweaks to the situation. I like how they actually add life to some of the characters that are not in the movie very long.

I like how there wasn't 45 million dollars spent on CGI effects that ended up looking horrible.

I like the over the top scenery chewing by.. I think his name is Dinkle or something.. the asshole with the mustache. The sidekick is a little over the top at times but it's always hard to get the formula perfectly right in a buddy movie like this one. They come pretty darn close.

It didn't quite all tie up at the end perfectly, but it does quite a bit better than most zombie movies. It's no Walking Dead but it's certainly no Return of the Living Dead part 4 either!

I watched it, I rather liked it, I'd even watch it again. It is NOT one of the multitude of Zombie DVDs that flies into the trash can amidst a hail of obscenities. Check it out! You'll be glad you did.

My only gripe is: not enough nudity. As in No Nudity. Which makes my pants sad. So I gotta subtract 1 from its potential rating.

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)

May God Have Mercy On Your Soul

[1/10 · 5 March 2012]

I got together with a friend and we made a HUGE MISTAKE. We watched "The Island of Dr Moreau." I don't think either of us will recover. We looked into the gaping maw of cinematic Hell. But enough about Marlon Brando's mouth. I have never seen.. I .. I am speechless. The train wreck, the carnage.. the .. OH THE HUMANITY! There is a scene where a little naked mutant dude with a butt-penis shows up, he is like Brando's mutant mini me. He has a look on his face as if to say "yea I know! How can I exist? WTF am I? I'm as dumbfounded as you are over my existence in this movie. what can you do?I'm stuck here just like you are, but cut me some slack, you're only watching. I am in this thing!" Throughout the movie this little thing is just sort of there. At one point he's lounging around and flashing his mutant butt like we are at a photo shoot for midget mutant porn.

Midget Mutant porn would be a better thing to watch.

This movie is a crazy train going off the rails into a black hole that is at the center of a volcano populated by insane clown posse demons. Kilmer and Brando.. appear to giving us, Hollywood, Earth, and reality itself a huge "F*CK YOU." Sarcasm mode on.

My friend and I both agreed, however, that the decision to have Val Kilmer play 13 different characters who all dressed the same and went by the same name was brilliant! the only way you could tell he was different is how he would behave completely different, and then you said "aha GENIUS! he's playing one of the other characters now!" Sarcasm mode off.

OK so Brando is there in one scene with his body slathered in white crisco, and a weird outfit on, and a f*cking bucket on his head that is being filled with ice and water..sitting in front of a piano..

OK reread that last part. I dare you! That's 100% real. That's what was going on. OK now take a deep breath and read forward if you dare. I warn you though.. your head might explode.. only keep reading if you read this out loud first with a legal witness: "I, state-your-name, will forbid my friends and family from suing IMDb.com if my head has exploded due to reading about/watching The Island of Dr Moreau (1996)." OK still here. Well don't say I didn't warn you. Fine. Read on. Idiot.

Greased up Brando starts playing the piano and butt-penis mini brando plays the tiny piano on top of brando's piano and they were dueting or whatever.

At that point I think part of my brain actually died. I forgot how to drive a car, how to shave, and how to use a fork. later on the movie continued to wipe out various other abilities that I used to take for granted. right now a surrogate is typing this out, I am in a bed with tubes snaking through me and various machines regulating various things.

I don't think you can use points to rate this. You need to rate it 1 crisco brando plus 4 mini-mutant-butt-penis-Brandos. And may God have mercy on your soul.

Battle Los Angeles (2011)

A buffet table of clichés without any booze in the punch bowl

[1/10 · 16 March 2011]

So, I guess this is the new Hollywood formula: throw a bunch of old movies into a video blender, randomize the scenes and write down what comes out, and then craft up your movie.

Beginning: Lifted from Saving Private Ryan aka battle of Normandy except we are the Germans seeing the Americans (aliens) land. With a dash of the MOrgan Freeman movie where comets hit the earth thrown in Then we delve into herky jerky firefighting and running lifted from Cloverfield. Using a visual element lifted from District 9.

Add in much of the plot, lifted verbatim from ID4.. aliens come to wipe us out to harvest a natural resource.

Throw in interpersonal relationships lifted a bit from ID4 but mostly from Predator.

But wait, let's go right back to ID4 and completely steal it. In ID4 they find out thanks to apple computers how to destroy one alien command center thingy, and pass the knowledge on to others. Here we do the same exact thing cept some laser pointing system, is used.

Oh and to make sure we have put enough glaze on this to make even a Krispy Creme lover get a sugar headache we need to add in token minorities and above all, cute kids. Does a parent die? of course! A weepy child? Of course! Oh the lead had a disgrace in the past... that's another cliché. And the lead has stepped down but an upstart rookie takes his place and has an attitude. Of course.

There are about 50 more clichés.

I'm no snob, if done well this still would have been fun to laugh through. Like Unstoppable was. But no.. this was dull boring uninteresting plodding and pointless.

Go rent: ID4, District 9, and Predator to see the scenes attempted in this movie.. done as they should be done.

Blech

Handlebar (2010)

Hilarity shines through the grease and alcohol and gets your buzz on

[27 July 2010]

Quite a fun little romp through an incompetent adventure undergone by a pair of clods. I'd recommend grabbing as many bottles of Schlitz as you can find.. a huge bag of pork rinds, and maybe some bug spray, and watching this on a wide screen laptop while sitting outside of a trailer on a dusty road, with strains of Kid Rock playing in the distant background by those rough and tumble guys who always go way too fast down the road at night, kicking up dust and scaring the bejezuz out of your poor old dog, who then barks so dang much that you are woken up and cannot get back to sleep.

Underneath it all be sure to enjoy the camera-work and the character development by some of Michigan's finest cinematic warriors. It might not be Inception, but it's also not Deception.. this movie delivers what it promises, and gets extra marks for throwing about 45 clichés into the opening 3 minutes of the movie, just to make us all comfy cozy and ready to roll with the genre.

If you like this one, don't you forget to go find Fairview St and watch it as well.

Basic Training (1985)

Finally a movie to shed some red light on the war machines of these modern times

[1/10 · 27 July 2010]

This is "I spit on your Grave" meets "Stripes," as long as you give Bill Murray some great big mammoth hooters and remove all ability to act from him and all his costars. And add some naked shenanigans. And disembowel the plot, and get the crew drunk before rolling the cameras.

This genre-raping foray under the skirt and into the wide open legs of the United States Military is a penetrating yet ultimately impotent one-eyed glimpse into what's wrong with our national defense, if by "national defense" I mean "production value of most risqué movies shot in the 80s." Its come hither skin bare plot can really rev up your engine and cause your flagpole to tent in the post patriotic way. Assuming you are doped up on enough caffeine to give an elephant the shakes.

The deliberate (?) non-acting of the "threes company wannabe" female costars is right up there with Leonard Nemoy's Strawberry Fields forever performance. I'll always remember the "toss the groceries 3 inches through the air to your friend" moment. No matter how much therapy I go through.

My favorite moment is when the lead tells the other girls that she was wondering when any actual work got done at her job, all she saw was skirt chasing. And the other two bimboobles cackled.

Oh wait, no, my favorite moment was when I shut the movie off and tried to cut my jugular with a spork from Taco Bell. I owe my pal Dave big-time for stopping me and prying the spork from my hands and talking me down from a bad decision. Anyways that was my favorite moment, the shutting of the movie off. It will be your favorite moment too, no matter when it happens.

The perfect companion-piece to any other movie that needs a movie like this next to it in order to make that movie seem great.

Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)

not too bad, but it fell apart

[6/10 · 11 September 2007]

For a remake attempt, not too shabby. I enjoyed the beginning and the middle and then, it just seemed to run out of ideas. the "rationale" for the dead coming back to life was funny but kind of dumb. I would have liked for Haig to explain that they started coming back, and he tried to hide it, but not that he CAUSED it.. I found that dumb. The Texas Chainsaw daddy thing was kind of... stolen, but OK. But the ending left me feeling like they ran out of ideas and/or time and had to end it, so they just stopped where they were and ended it. Which makes the viewer rather frustrated.

If there is a 2D version, I'd consider picking it up. As others have said, there was no reason at all for the 3D. The text message "coming 4 u" was funny but pointless too. Zombies don't know how to use phones in the Romero zombiverse (they do in real life, but only while driving).

So, a decent attempt, and a mixed result. Not painful to watch, but not worth watching again unless you're a horror geek like I am.

Definitely much better than Children of the Dead or Day of the Dead 2: Contagiuum. But a far cry from such classics as the original NOTLD or any of the other Romero dead films or any of the Return of the Living Dead films.

Night of the Comet (1984)

Cheesy 80's Sci Fi Fun

[10/10 · 28 January 2005]

If you grew up in the 80's, you'll enjoy this film. We have the cheesy 80's fashions, in all their glory. We have the cheesy cliché-ridden dialog. We have the character stereotypes in all their glory. Let's not forget the music, which (except for Girls Just Wanna Have Fun) sounds like songs you know, but isn't. Knock off music has never sounded so appropriate. We have girls who are hot, and yet, deadly. I can't offhand think of any other movie featuring a main character female in a cheerleader outfit blowing the crap out of a car with an automatic weapon. We have zombie dudes with wraparound sunglasses. Perhaps they wore their sunglasses at night. We also have the standard "end of the world" story. SO what's different? What's different is, this movie doesn't take itself seriously. It doesn't try to give us a deep meaning. It is there for us to chuckle through. Oh and who can forget the secret government group dressed in Devo-like jumpsuits. I especially love the fact that a sect of stockboys who survived have plans of conquest. We all know that the stockboy is an untapped supervillian wannabe. I'll never look at stockboys the same way again, knowing that if the end of the world approaches, they will all be vying for world domination.

The Return of the Forest Monster (2003)

Fun Smarmy and Clever

[8/10 · 25 January 2005]

Although it drags a bit in parts, which is a common flaw with low budget films, this little film is pretty fun. The characters are funny, the actors are obviously having a lot of fun with the concept, and there are some great one liners. The plot may be a bit bare, but better that than the usual low budget fare of a needlessly overcomplicated plot shot with poor lighting to appear "arty." This movie is pure simple clean cut cleanly lit fun. I definitely recommend this if you like horror movies but also know how silly horror movies are. This movie has some real fun with some of the clichés. Great jobs guys, can't wait to see what you do next.

Return to Horror High (1987)

Funny, but ends up making no sense whatsoever

[3/10 · 3 January 2005]

Okay, this had the makings of a funny horror spoof and I was with it right up until the ending.

Can anyone explain, in the reality of the movie..what happened? Does anyone know? It simply makes no sense at all.

I'll up my rating if someone can make the movie make sense. To me, the ending was "oh crap, we don't know how to end this..and its 3:00am and we're drunk. lets get some props and just crap out something and we can all go home" I mean seriously. Can *ANYONE* explain the ending to me? I doubt even the director has a friggin clue.

BAD BAD film-making..to totally tank the entire project by messing up the ending so badly.

The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra (2001)

A more perfect spoof I have never seen

[10/10 · 29 April 2004]

If you've ever seen a bad black and white b movie with aliens and/or monsters, you have to see this. A more perfect spoof I have never seen.

I saw it last night in Ann Arbor and I havent laughed that hard in a long time. This deliberatly bad self mocking movie is laugh out loud funny, in fact there were about 5 people besides us in the whole theater and I can pinpoint in my head exactly where they sat behind me because I heard them laughing hysterically throughout the feature.

You probably won't catch it in the theater, so rent the DVD when it comes out. You won't regret it.

I'm still laughing, just thinking about it. Holy Crap is it funny. It even has a bizarre spoof of an old style cartoon in front of it, and vintage style concession style ads!

Review: 11 stars out of 10 somehow. Rowr.

Biker Zombies from Detroit (2001 Video)

These Zombies would be better off walking in Idaho

[3/10 · 9 January 2004]

Recognizing the picture of the diner on the cover of the DVD made me realize that this was a local movie. The word Detroit in the title furthered my suspecions and I did some looking up of things and yes, a local movie it was.

So I picked it up. Someone I knew actually knew some of the producers/director (dont remember which) and said the producers/directors got people to PAY to be in this movie.

Brilliant! What a great idea. The movie makers get some capital to do the movie with, thanks to their cast and crew. Then the investors (cast, crew, others) get some of the profits, I'm imagining.

Profits!

Um anyways. This film totally underwhelmed me. The special effects were special as in special children who ride the small buses to school. The acting was very amusing, not intentionally however. There's a great line where a guy says "well? this bone aint gonna smoke itself!" as a pickup line. Unfortunately that is the only fun part of the whole film. The story? Well, I sort of followed it about 3/5 of the way in, then everything stopped making sense and as we were sitting there watching it, it suddenly ended. I mean as in,..no resolution of anything..like they ran out of time. "Sorry folks, out of time, goodnight!"

We sat there baffled and booing, and threw in another film. Then about 20 minutes later a neighbor of mine showed up..with one of the guys from the movie! We threw it back in and he (the actor) gave us a running commentary, which was awesome because he totally ripped on the movie!

What more could you ask for??

The most absurd scene for me was a motorbike chase scene were it was so dark that it could have literally been a guy running past with a flashlight and not a motorbike at all. That and the jaw droppingly in your face sudden ending is enough to make you howl. In pain! The zombies looked less like zombies than my coworkers do. And I dont work at the morgue either.

So, I recommend seeing this if you can get someone from the movie to come over and give you a running commentary as to all the things that went on behind the scenes and make sure this person hates the movie because that just adds to the fun.

Otherwise, give this one a pass. Rent something like Feeders if you want a jaw droppingly bad in a funny way movie...

After April (2001)

Young Adult Angst sets itself on fire and pays the price

[8/10 · 9 January 2004]

This is a nice little fable wrapped in modern angst. I smell the simmering scent of generation X wafting from this movie. To me, After April is the story of a couple and what can happen when people don't hold themselves accountable for their actions with each other and on their own. After April is a nice little slice of strife served up with a leering latte and a kick in the crotch for good measure. I quite enjoyed this movie for what it was.

Cannibal Campout (1988 Video)

Campy Cannibals create kooky calamities

[7/10 · 9 January 2004]

You can tell this movie was done with almost no money and some of the acting is hilariously bad. BUT.."hilariously bad" is not truly bad in the sense of tortuous. I was laughing quite often through this ridiculous farce. You have to hand it to someone who can make a movie about cannibals that is fun to watch. It's hard to believe this is Jon McBride's FIRST movie (well either this was his first or another low budget classic called "Woodchipper Massacre" was his first) and Blood Red Planet was a RECENT film he was a part of.

CC is 10 times better and easier to watch then BRP. McBride needs to go back to where he came from and try for more films like Cannibal Campout.

Perhaps Cannibal Campout 2, or a crossover, Cannibal Camper Woodchip Massacre! Woodchip Cannibals!

If you like hilarious bad movies with some life in them, check this one out

Blood Red Planet (2000 Video)

1 dollar and a bag of empties CAN a movie make!

[5/10 · 17 December 2003]

I thought I've seen low budget before, but this movie is the icing that was scrapped off the cake before the cake was taken back for a refund.

Blood Red Planet spent its entire budget on the purchase of 5 blanks VHS tapes to dump it to, the rest of the movie was done A-Team style, as far as I can tell.

I can hear the A-Team theme song playing now. Mark Polonia is welding together a set made out of discarded car parts. John McBride is picking smoke detectors out of the trash and labelling them "space mines". Hey a weed-whipper mask. This will make a great space suit helmet!

The scene of the creature attack at the end doesn't have to be seen to be disbelieved. I haven't laughed so hard since Feeders 2 and the infamous emotionless kids sequences.

You have to love the Polonias. I mean they can do for 1 dollar what it took John Travolta MILLIONS to do with Battlefield Earth.

If you like bad movies, and love to roll on the floor in disbelief, see this movie.

Seriously though, these guys get credit for making their movies, flying in the face of funding and available actors, they're doing it anyways. Logic and reality be damned! Their spirit is truly to be commended.

Perhaps someday they'll surprise us all and be the next success story.

Perhaps Feeders will fly out of my butt too ;)

Arbor Daze (2003 Video)

A fun little romp through cliche-burning parodyland

[8/10 · 16 December 2003]

I am rating this on a 'Low-Budget Movie Scale', this is no Titanic to be certain. This is "Ed Wood meets Sam Rami in the White Castle Parking Lot with a camcorder and a bucket of blood", it's cheesy, it's low budget, and it's fresh.

Usually when you get a low budget film, the scenes are poorly lit, the volume is too low and/or distorted, and the acting is disinterested, like the people are just there to make their 50 dollars and go home. Not this film. Easy to watch and to listen to, and with a hilarious soundtrack to boot. All apparently done on 20 bucks in cash, a bag of returnables, some spit and polish, and a promise.

This little low budget gem is a hoot! It takes a while to pick up steam but when it does, it rolls along nicely. And jokes all the way, fun little stabs at movie cliches and some truly fun dialogue. The Stan Wackerman character in particular sticks out as a great parody character. And the product parodies are fun too.

Watch a few bad horror films before you watch this, to enhance your enjoyment of their cliche parodying.

Feeders 2: Slay Bells (1998 Video)

Santa was run over by a Polonia

[3/10 · 16 December 2003]

You've seen Feeders and you think to yourself, what a wonderful world. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, a sequel-urge is nipping at your nose.

Well this ain't no winter wonderland, Jack. This is a coal burning furnace spitting the fiery flames of futility at your dismayed visage.

Yes, Feeders 2 is a sequel in every sense of the word. The Feeders are back, and this time Santa joins the fray. A nice little asynchronous segment featuring a character from the first Feeders is thrown in, apparently to stun and confuse the audience. Then it gets worse. Once the nerve endings gain sensation again, there is nothing but pain.

The best scene is where a guy goes into his basement, then into his basement's basement, then apparently into his basement's basement's sub basement to get killed by a Feeder.

And at one point someone thinks a Feeder is a toy.

Well that's a no-brainer, they look that fake.

Gone is the delirious Ed-Wood-Meets-Larry-Flint fun of the original feeders, and as a retread, this film gets a flat tire. Where Feeders fed, even though this movie is led to the same watering hole, it poops instead of feeds. You can lead a dead sequel out to pasture but you can't make it drink from the fountain of its own futility. No sir, you take that unpleasant pull off the tap of tepidness by your lonesome if you see this film.

Where is the fun? In the sub-sub-basement. Where is the acting? The only acting in this film is the fast-acting damage inducing effects of seeing the acting of the the tortuous kids, kids that would make you take your own life if they were your kids. If they were someone else's kids that you only saw once in your life, you might take your life just to show your support that the parents should take their own lives.

If you see this movie, don't take your own life. Hasn't the movie done enough? Just vomit, shake it off, and seek therapy.

Feeders 2 picks up where Feeders left off, at the top of the urinal bowl. Then it plunges right in and you flush away 90 minutes of your life.

Feeders (1996)

Paper bag puppetry meets the pavement in this Proustian display of brute farce

[8/10 · 16 December 2003]

This film is the very definition of "b movie," and this isn't a bad thing (for that, see the sequel).

Little Feeders come to terrorize, and no one is safe...from this ridiculous film. It's the Citizen Kane of Paper Bag Puppet films. Take a paper bag, dip it in goop, and use sticks for arms and you've got yourself a bona fido Feeder.

What can be said about this film without laughing? The best scene of all involves photos of stuff to try to fool the watcher into thinking those places are in the movie.

This movie has to be seen to believed. Just don't continue the madness and see the sequel unless you hate yourself.