Astraether Reviews

The Northman (2022)

Visually Stunning, But 0 Character Development

[3/10 · 2 May 2022]

I'm sure I'm in the minority since this flick seems to be getting rave reviews, so I'll start with the things I DID like: the visuals. Mud, muck, blood, grit -- the visuals all had an "authentic" look that made you feel like you were transported back to that era, and probably in desperate need of a bath. And getting to watch Alexander Skarsgard lumber around half-naked looking brutal had its perks, of course. But ultimately, my enjoyment ended there.

As Stephen King himself pointed out once, "the more we care about the characters, the more human they are to us, the more appealing they are to us. And the more effective the horror tends to be." Whether you classify this as "horror" or not, the sentiment still stands, and honestly, as far as revenge tales go, there was more development in Inigo Montoya's quest to hunt down the man that killed his father than there was in Amleth's thirst for vengeance. Other than one bizarre father/son bonding scene involving drugs and barking like a dog, there was nothing to cement their close bond -- same with his mother (and more on that later). So, really, all we've got for Amleth's backstory is that he was sort of annoying kid and now he's bent on revenge... sort of, except he kind of forgot about it until a creepy witch showed up and reminded him.

The movie tried to wedge in a love story, and I had high hopes for Anya Taylor-Joy's character, especially when she touted herself as being so "clever" she could break men's minds... except then she never DID anything. In fact, her sole role, other than showing up as some Valkyrie fever-dream, was to -- oh right -- eventually bear the male hero's children and found his "dynasty." Yay.

Nicole Kidman's turn as his Mom had some merit, but even then, the "depth" they gave her character was really just to turn her into "evil villainess" and basically a plot-point for Amleth's journey. Then again, pretty much all the characters were just cardboard cutouts shrieking their overwrought lines, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I've heard comparisons to Hamlet, and also that this is based on some ancient Viking myth, but again, without having a reason to care about anyone in this movie, I was left enjoying the visuals, and even that wore thin after a while. My first thought when it was over was "oh thank god." Had I not been stuck in a movie theater, I would have bailed on this halfway through. Sorry, but even a naked Skarsgard covered in blood isn't enough to save this.

Mikey (1992)

Highly Entertaining!

[7/10 · 1 December 2020]

I laughed throughout this movie, so in that sense it was highly entertaining! I'm not sure if it was supposed to be a dark comedy or just so bad it's good. I had it recommended to me after asking for evil child movies. For whatever reason, it's a trope I love!

This one certainly fit the bill, complete with cheesy one-liners. I remember Brian Bonsall in Family Ties so it was fun to see him play the adorable but murderous waif. Parts were slow but the beginning was off to a good start and the ending was so over the top ludicrous that I actually LOLed. I'm almost surprised this doesn't have better cult status. Fun if you want to be entertained by bad horror.

The Beyond (1981)

Nonsensical, Gory, & Disjointed

[3/10 · 29 June 2019]

This movie felt like it was written by a twelve-year-old who loves gore - especially anything involving eyeballs - and also spiders, zombies, and creepy blind people with bad contacts. There was no coherent plot, no character development or discernible motivation, and no explanation or closure. Just weirdness and laughably bad special effects. If that's your jam, you might love it, but I felt annoyed that I wasted time on this flick.

Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas (2005 TV Movie)

Ridiculous Melodrama

[4/10 · 31 March 2014]

I know I'm in the minority here, after having read several glowing reviews of this movie, but I felt the need to chime in nonetheless. Perhaps I'm not the right sort of audience for this kind of movie, since I usually find these rom-drams (romantic dramas) horribly saccharine and cheezy, and this one was no different -- in fact, moreso than most.

First off, let me just get one little tidbit off my chest, and here's a warning:

SPOILERS BELOW!

Why the heck would someone, knowing that their wife has a heart condition that makes her susceptible to heart attacks, plan a surprise party, of all things, for her birthday?!? Am I the only one who finds this ludicrous? Did the writers never stop to think, oh, maybe that's not a good idea? I haven't read the book, so I don't know if that part was in it or not, but come ON! It made me conjure up my own little sub-plot, where hubby Matt was actually trying to kill his wife, and considering how everything turned out in the end, where he gets his convenient little ready-made family to replace the former one, well, it's not such a bad plot, and maybe it would've made a better movie.

MORE SPOILERS!!

I knew the wife Suzanne was going to die from the get-go. I mean, come on, they establish a delicate heart condition, and they show the new girlfriend reading her diary, and I've seen enough of these types of movies to know the formula, so it was just a matter of figuring out when and how. That's really the main reason I finished watching this ridiculous drama.

But of course they have to throw in some moralizing along the way: Suzanne shouldn't have a baby, it's really dangerous for her, she's a doctor and knows the risks -- but rather than do something sensible like adopt a child who could use a good home, she goes ahead and has a baby anyway, because isn't that a woman's true function in life? To be a mother? And, you know, abortion is bad -- even when a pregnancy presents a serious risk to a woman's health, she should just go ahead and have the baby anyway, because then her life is fulfilled!

YET MORE SPOILERS:

Oh, and speaking of abortions, the little twist where Kate gets pregnant presented another moral conundrum. Apparently it's okay for a woman who's casually dating some guy (which is how the movie seemed to present their relationship) to just skip a pill or two, on the off-chance that it "might work out" with her boyfriend. Seriously, that's what Kate tells her doctor when he asks why she missed her pill. I guess she just decided to take it upon herself to maybe get pregnant, without ever bothering to even discuss that with her boyfriend! But god forbid she should get an abortion, because that's just wrong! No, she too should just go ahead with this unplanned pregnancy, because she's a woman, and women are just baby-makers, and it'll all work out in the end!

Ugh. I think that one word sums up my thoughts on this movie as a whole. Everything about it was designed to be a tear-jerker, and judging from the rest of the reviews, I guess it worked, but I was left at the end feeling annoyed and preached to. Like I said earlier, if you want to watch it from the perspective of this would-be writer plotting to kill his rich doctor wife so he can move into her nice big house, well, that might make a more interesting storyline than this ridiculous melodramatic twaddle.

The Caller (2011)

A Refreshing Treat

[8/10 · 22 March 2014]

I've watched a lot of crappy horror movies on Netflix, so when I run into an actual good one, it's a refreshing treat! I didn't expect a whole lot out of this flick -- I assumed it would be like so many others I've watched: sub-par acting, a predictable plot, the ubiquitous jump scenes. Instead, I got pretty much the exact opposite: a cool premise with not only supernatural elements, but a little time-manipulation as well; believable, sympathetic characters, and a fresh take on the usual horror fare.

I thought the lead actress, Rachelle Lefevre, did an excellent job conveying the right mix of toughness and vulnerability, given her situation, and it was nice to see Stephen Moyer NOT being a vampire. I even liked that the "villain" was a woman -- not something you see all that often in the genre. All in all, this movie was a very pleasant surprise, and for anyone out there getting bored with the cheezy horror available on Netflix, give this one a watch. I doubt you'll be disappointed!

After Fall, Winter (2011)

Engaging... Until the End

[6/10 · 8 March 2013]

I was flipping around one night and caught the second half of this film, so admittedly I haven't seen it from the beginning. I was immediately captivated by the dialogue and chemistry between the two leads. Or rather, I was captivated by Lizzie Brocheré's performance, and I got drawn into the burgeoning relationship between these two flawed people. It reminded me a little of "Before Sunrise," one of my favorite romantic films, for its honest, realistic dialogue and the way you get to "fall in love" right along with these two.

*** May Contain Spoilers *** I was hopeful about the aspects of BDSM, thinking the film might try and treat the subject with realism and sensitivity--unfortunately, instead, those elements just seemed to turn into a plot vehicle at the end. And the end... ugh. If this had been a book I would have chucked it across the room. It just turned so ridiculously melodramatic and silly. I can see what the writer intended--another tragic take on "Romeo and Juliet," but it just didn't fly with me. And the implication that BDSM led them down that path is just insulting, to paraphrase what another reviewer said.

Overall, I gave it a 6. The dialogue and performances kept me engaged, and I was pleased to see such range in Lizzie Brocheré, whom I'd seen only in "American Horror Story" previously. I hope she goes on to bigger and better things--she deserves it. The writer/director/star, Eric Schaeffer, well, he should maybe get back to writing some more, and come up with his own endings instead of ripping off Shakespeare, and not in a good way.

Terror Tract (2000)

Tickled by Terror Tract!

[7/10 · 30 October 2012]

I'm a sucker for John Ritter due to my longstanding love of "Three's Company," so when I stumbled across this flick while browsing through On Demand horror movies, I was quick to download it.

I wasn't expecting much, but I found myself laughing right from the opening credits, and I was thoroughly engaged during these "Tales from the Darkside"-type stories. I think my favorite was the second--I don't think I've ever seen a monkey as a horror villain!

The film satisfied both my love for Ritter and my love for cheezy horror, so I have no complaints. If you like Tales from the Crypt, Tales from the Darkside, the Twilight Zone, or any of the other myriad sci-fi/horror anthologies, you might just enjoy this little unknown gem. Worth a watch, especially around Halloween when all the other horror flicks are rented.

Little Darlings (1980)

A Sex-Comedy for Girls?

[11 July 2011]

I don't know how I missed this coming-of-age comedy in my youth, but somehow I'd never heard of it 'til I caught it while channel-surfing one day. I was quickly sucked in -- as much by the premise as by the humor. What, a sex-comedy from the girls' point-of-view? Brilliant! And a funny one at that? Even better! My favorite scene was probably the condom-retrieval by Penelope climbing into the boys' bathroom. It was a treat to see the girls getting into mischievous hijinx for once.

(S P O I L E R S)

But then, predictably, the film takes on a more serious tone once the two leads make good on their bet (well, at least one of 'em does). I guess I should have expected it, but the preachy style was a letdown. In the end, the film maintained the double-standard. Sex is a "big deal" for women -- don't do it unless you're in love, yadda yadda. Funny how I don't recall these sorts of "messages" in the male-oriented sex comedies. But it WAS 1980 so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Perhaps a remake is in order?

All in all, I still enjoyed it. Nice performances all around; particularly Kristy McNichol as Angel.

Dear Pillow (2004)

An Excellent Film...

[9/10 · 19 March 2004]

...and I'm not just saying that because I'm the writer/director's sister. Given the subject matter, I was actually pretty nervous about seeing the movie for the first time; it's about a 17-year-old boy who's interested in writing about porn. I didn't know what to expect, but it turned out to be both a relief, and yet more intense than I had anticipated.

Wes (Rusty Kelley) is living with his divorced Dad (Cory Criswell) and working as a bag-boy at a local grocery store. He's a bit of a loner, and his main activities are listening to phone calls on a police scanner, and griping about still being a virgin in letters to a friend. He eventually meets up with an older man, Dusty (Gary Chason), who, he discovers, makes his living by writing fake letters for an adult magazine.

Like any hormone-driven teenager, Wes' interest is piqued, and he and Dusty form a strange mentor-like friendship, based on porn. When Wes tells Dusty about the police scanner and the obscene phone calls he's been overhearing on it, Dusty is determined to find out who's making them. And so into the picture comes Lorna, the apartment manager, whose assertive sexuality adds a new dimension to the relationship developing between the three.

While the fact that the movie is about porn -- and its dark humor -- have both been draws for audiences, it never takes the easy way out with cheap laughs or convenient answers. The film doesn't preach its own morality. Viewers can read into it what they will -- find their own lessons or message, without having it painted out for them.

Definitely keep an eye out for this film. I'm sure you'll be seeing more from the team who made it.

Kingpin (2003)

An Excellent Series, but Where's the Rest?

[9/10 · 7 February 2004]

As a fan of "The Sopranos," I was perhaps a little reluctant to watch "Kingpin," since I felt that nothing could really surpass "The Sopranos" in my affections. Nonetheless, a friend had bought me the miniseries DVD for my birthday, so with no other excuse at hand, I watched it.

And I loved it. There are only six episodes, each an hour long, but it took me only 'til about the second before I was hooked. The acting is excellent, and I'm left wondering why I haven't heard of or seen these actors before. Each character was sympathetic and interesting; even the ones you're probably "supposed" to hate, and it was difficult deciding who exactly to root for. I especially liked the relationship between Miguel and his brother, Chato -- one of trust and closeness instead of the deceit and backstabbing that's all too common in shows along the same lines.

Agent Flores and Miguel's wife, Marlene, were also both very appealing, as strong, independent female characters who have their own complexities and motivations, rather than being overshadowed by the male characters. And I can't forget the particularly comic relationship between the doctor played by Benben, and his "thug" friend, Junie. The show provided a number of unexpected and unique twists on an old theme.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, the show never took off. Maybe it was too expensive to produce, maybe it didn't get enough support from NBC, or maybe (and I hope this isn't the case), it slipped because it was not a predominantly white cast; most of the characters were Hispanic/Latino. That seems a particular shame, if it is the reason "Kingpin" never succeeded, since its cast was truly talented and I would have liked to see some of those actors get a definite career boost.

Still, at least it's available to rent, and I highly recommend giving it a shot. Even if you're a hardcore "Sopranos" lover, like I am, don't let the comparison deter you! They're similar in that they're about criminal families, but they each have a very different feel and flavor, and you'll only be robbing yourself of something new to enjoy.

I just wish there were /more/ of it to enjoy!

Dreamcatcher (2003)

A Complete Waste of Time

[25 March 2003]

The IMDb typically has user comments like "this is the worst movie ever made!" Well, I don't know about that, since I haven't actually /seen/ every movie ever made, but I can say with authority that "Dreamcatcher" is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in the theater. If I hadn't been with three other people, I'd have walked out about halfway through. The first third is actually decent; before you really know what's going on. But by the time the first toilet-weasel appeared (they called it something else in the movie, but I'm assuming I'd be edited), I was beginning to have my suspicions.

Sure enough, the movie took a sharp slide downhill right about then. I haven't read the book, so I can't say how accurate it was, but I sure hope Stephen King wasn't wholly responsible for the wretchedness of "Dreamcatcher." I'm also clinging to the notion that maybe Morgan Freeman only read about half the script, because I can't see why he'd agree to appear in this dreck otherwise.

It wasn't even bad enough to be funny, in an Ed Wood sort of way -- though I did emit the occasional laugh out of appalled derision at its absurdity. Some of the "highlights" were the laser-shooting finger, the ridiculous British accent-sporting alien, and the unfortunately unforgettable "phone call" using a John Wayne pistol. I implore every reader who has not already seen this movie (and for that, I sympathize), to avoid it at all costs. Don't waste your 8 bucks, don't rent it, and I'd even advise against sitting through a TV-viewing. You'll only waste 2 hours of your life that could be better spent on other things -- like scrubbing your tub or mowing the lawn. Believe me, you'll thank me for it.

The Affair of the Necklace (2001)

A Lush Visual Experience

[8/10 · 17 January 2003]

I just got done watching "The Affair of the Necklace." The soundtrack stays with me as I write this -- as do the visuals. It is a very stunning movie, both for the costumes and the cinematic feel. The story starts with a simple premise: a young woman wants to get her home back. But her naive and honest attempts to petition the monarchy for the return of her estate are denied, so she must resort to more cunning measures.

As a female, I was pleased to see a female as the instigator of the plot; the behind-the-scenes mastermind. Hilary Swank did an excellent job, despite occasional lapses in accent, but given the potpourri of accents in a film set in pre-Revolutionary France, I can overlook that small flaw. The supporting cast was also exceptional, and I especially liked the portrayal of Marie Antoinette -- not quite vapid, not entirely sympathetic, but not a "villainess" either. I'm not sure how historically accurate the movie is, but it does arouse my interest in that period, and I figure any movie that can do that is not entirely frivolous.

Overall, I gave it an 8 out of 10. I would enjoy watching it again, as it has a subtlety that many movies lack. The rental fee was definitely well-spent.

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

The Magic is Dead

[2/10 · 2 June 2002]

I absolutely hated "Attack of the Clones." There are so many reasons it's difficult to even know where to begin. But I don't feel that it, in any way, lived up to the originals, and I could happily go through life without ever seeing it again.

My vehemence has reasons. For twenty years, I grew up hearing stories from my Dad about how Star Wars was /the/ movie. There were movies before Star Wars, and then movies after Star Wars, but it was the one that changed them all. Nothing was ever quite the same afterwards. Movie-dom had been irrevocably changed. It became a sort of cultural icon. Despite some of its flaws (some cheezy dialogue, perhaps some poor acting from Mark Hamill, though I didn't mind him), it resonated. It struck a chord, and there was no other movie experience quite like it.

I was four years old when it came out. My Dad took me to see it, and I still remember sitting there, so short that the seat was still folded up and I sat on top of it, and I was completely absorbed. I remember jumping when the Jawas shot R2-D2, and my horror when he got "electrocuted," issued a final moaning squeal, and then fell over, presumably dead. I still remember all those things, but again, I was only four. I couldn't fully appreciate what I was watching. I didn't know, at the time, that it was movie history.

I grew older, and movies got better -- at least technically. Better special effects, bigger budgets. Movie-makers had to try harder to impress us. My generation got jaded. Movies weren't quite so "magical" anymore. Maybe it's just an effect of growing up. But nothing could ever quite live up to Star Wars and its following sequels. Even "Return of the Jedi," with its cutesy, gimmicky Ewoks, still had that magic. It was part of Star Wars, after all. Nothing could taint that.

And for twenty years, for as long as there was the vague promise -- the faint /hint/ -- that George Lucas might make some more, I lived with the hope of seeing that magic again. Of seeing something truly great, that would change movies forever, just as my father had, twenty years ago in a darkened theater when he, my Mom, and my uncle first watched that Star Destroyer loom across the screen.

So finally, it happened. I won't launch into a lengthy critique of "The Phantom Menace," suffice it to say that I hated that too. But it had obvious flaws. JarJar Binks, first and foremost. I thought, well, it's bad, but if they just take that stuff out, it'll be fine. It just needs some editing. My hope was shaken, but still there. Oh, sure, I was pretty cynical about "Attack of the Clones." I griped, expressed by skepticism, and went into the theater with low expectations.

Except... except it played the same music. The theater got dark, the music started up, and there on the screen were those same magical words: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. And I /felt/ it. That twinge. That hope. I felt like a kid again, and I thought 'maybe this is it. Maybe it'll be just what I've been waiting for.'

Instead, I sit through painfully inane dialogue, woefully wooden acting (and this from people I /know/ can do better -- I blame the script), a barrage of gimmicky special effects, a flimsy plot, and a series of strung-together action sequences whose "coup de grace" is a leaping green ninja-Yoda versus someone named after a log of feces. I was not impressed. Worse, I was crushed. I felt like I'd been had. Like twenty years of starry-eyed loyalty had meant nothing -- Lucas just cared about my 7 bucks and he didn't give a damn what tripe he fed me. I'd been under the impression that if you took out the flaws of "The Phantom Menace," everything would be fine. But I was wrong. Those flaws just diverted me from the painful truth: the magic of Star Wars is dead, and it will never come back.

Some of you might be looking forward to the next installment, but I'm not. I'll be steering clear of the theaters whenever it rolls around, and instead remembering what Star Wars once meant to me.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

A Heck of an Enjoyable Film

[9/10 · 19 December 2001]

I saw a midnight showing on opening night, and it was one of those great audiences that applauds at all the right parts. I've never been a Tolkien fanatic, and I only recently finished the first book, so it was still fresh in my mind when I watched the movie. There were some changes from the book -- some necessary for pacing and length purposes, and then some minor ones that bothered me, but didn't really detract from my enjoyment of the film. All of the actors put in exceptional performances -- especially Ian McKellen, Elijah Wood, Sean Bean, and Ian Holm -- though, really, probably everyone deserves accolades. I just named them because they were all my personal favorites.

The movie looked perfect, visually; Hobbiton, Rivendell, and Lothlorien were exactly as I pictured them; many of the panoramic landscapes may as well have come from a painting, and the characters and costumes were right on-target. Scenes such as the Fellowship sailing between the two great stone kings were just breathtaking, and I'm looking forward to getting the DVD already, just to savor all those shots I didn't get enough time to enjoy in the film. Nothing was skimped on, and you can tell that the creators really put in the effort to render Middle Earth as Tolkien had written it.

All in all, I hope this series of films will show future directors what fantasy movies *should* be.