Change Your Image
brandon-jimenez-644-272895
Reviews
Mass Effect: Andromeda (2017)
Mass Effect Andromeda is Bad (Worse than ME3's Ending)
Let me get this right off the bat. I love Mass Effect. It is my favorite game series and also my favorite Sci-Fi Space Franchise right after Star Wars. I played through all three games several times to find new things and to experience a world that is full of endless possibilities. Even with the third game's divisive ending I still think its a phenomenal series. So when this game was announced, I was excited to say the least. I couldn't wait to see the series go in a new direction and expand with new meaningful characters and story lines.
And then I played it. And I was disappointed. So disappointed that a month later I returned my copy to Gamestop and used the extra cash to get 4 much better RPGs from the previous console generation.
Mass Effect Andromeda is one of the worst video games I have ever played. Everything that made the original Mass Effect Trilogy so great was practically thrown out the window to be used to create a bland, by-the-numbers, riskless exploration game with bad graphics, poor dialogue, and weak characters. It completely misses the mark of what made Mass Effect such a great series and now acts as a tumor to the saga.
Each of the previous games takes a risk within their story; they pull the rug from under the player and makes them see the game they're playing differently. In Mass Effect 1, it was going on a mission that at first appeared to be a galaxy-wide manhunt and making it a race against time to save everyone from extinction. In Mass Effect 2, it was preparing for a Suicide Mission where every decision you make would mean life or death for your squadmates. In Mass Effect 3, it was deciding which of two warring species would live or die, and even if you saved both it feel like you were close to making an unthinkable decision. But Mass Effect Andromeda, such dilemmas are nonexistent. You don't have to choose who lives or dies, you don't learn anything that really changes the way you look at the game, you don't live with the consequences of the decisions you made, this game actually refuses to take any risks. And to add insult to injury, whereas the previous 3 games each had different endings that were impactful, this game only has one ending that is the same regardless of whatever you do. This alone is a massive disservice to the franchise as well as the fans.
Not only that, but even the setting and storyline in this game falls apart. It actively contradicts itself and with the previous trilogy, or simply does not make sense. For example, everyone who joined the Initiative did so for either scientific or exploratory purposes, not for escaping the imminent possibility of galactic extinction that for some reason no one other than the Initiative's leaders knew about. What bothers me about this is that in the previous games, it was established that at least 90% of the Milky Way Galaxy was unexplored, and travelling to Andromeda was ridiculously dangerous and entirely one-way, taking more than 600 years to reach there. Why the hell would anyone want to do this, much less fund an operation that had no possibility of benefit for centuries or even millenia? This would have made sense if these people knew the truth about the Reapers, but the game explicitly establishes that no one knows about this and everyone joined for their own personal interests. This just makes the entire Andromeda Initiative look like morons. This may seem like a nitpick, but it serves as the foundation for the entire game. Its a major problem that causes the plot to fall apart.
And the Bugs. Oh god, the Bugs. When I first saw the previews before this game came out, I thought these were early animation problems for a game that was almost but not quite finished, and when the game would come out they wouldn't be a problem. It turns out, not only is the animation as bad as we saw before this game came out, It was actually worse. The Animation was so bad, it completely takes you out of the scene you are in. Even the patches that came out did little to really improve the overall quality. The Original Mass Effect Animations and Designs of 2007 look far better than this. I don't even want to talk about them anymore, they are that bad.
Overall, Mass Effect Andromeda is a bad game. From what I read from Kotaku, this game had numerous production issues ranging from unfamiliar software to corporate politics to a rushed production. This game is indeed very rushed as shown in the story problems and numerous bugs, even though they had a 5 year production period, they only made the bulk of the game within a year before its release. I really don't know whether to feel sorry for the developers or angry at them. Regardless, what we got was a game that was so bad that it is even worse than the divisive ending to Mass Effect 3. It is not a game worth your time, especially if you loved the previous trilogy. It gets worse and worse the more I think about it
The Nostalgia Critic: Blues Brothers 2000 (2014)
I Love NC, but this is the Worst Episode he's ever done.
Doug Walker, AKA 'The Nostalgia Critic' is one of the funniest guys on the internet. His jokes are always hilarious and spot-on that poke fun of the absurdity of the material he reviews. There was not a single episode from him I actually hated. But I saw this review, and I was dumbfounded. This review is terrible.
I'm never seen Blues Brothers 2000 and I'm sure it is not a good movie by any means, but this review the critic does of this movie is just painfully forced and unfunny. It's not that the Critic's jokes fall flat in this episode, in reality, this is one of the few episodes where there are actually very few jokes put into it. Instead of making a humorous episode that pokes fun of a bad movie, he replaces it with constant bashing and explaining why things don't work in this movie. There are no real attempts at humor in this episode and instead becomes a bashing bomb. It is like watching the painfully unfunny Plinkett reviews of the Star Wars Prequels all over again.
I wouldn't call this review a comedic review because there is no comedy in it. It's just a bash fest. The Critic just bashes this movie at every corner and does not make one attempt to put a funny joke to poke fun of how bad this movie is. In one scene, he plays a funny scene from the movie that actually made me laugh, but then explained why it was not funny. Explaining a joke is bad enough, but explaining why a funny joke is not funny is really the worst thing you can do humor-wise. On top of that, in the entire review The critic is just angry and infuriated. Videos were people are angry, but not in a funny, over-the-top way, are the worst. This video, the Critic, replaces his over-the-top comedy anger with actual, human fury. It's unpleasant to watch and gets worse and worse every time I see it. I have a feeling that DOug hated this movie so much that he wanted to voice his anger in the worst way possible and did not really bother write any actual jokes in it. I think there are only three jokes in this entire review; they are somewhat funny, but they are greatly overshadowed by this God-Awful review.
This is the Worst Nostalgia Critic Episode of all time. It's even worse than Bart's Nightmare and Garbage Pail Kids. Thankfully, the critic came rolling back with his funny reviews of Jurassic Park 3 and After Earth. So, bottom line, skip this review if you hate watching actual, unfunny human anger.
Twilight (2008)
Undoubtedly the Worst Movie I've Ever Seen in my Entire Life
Let me tell you about my own personal experience with the Twilight Franchise. I was in High School when the first movie was coming out. I went to Private School, and it was a 30 minute long commute, and I did not drive yet, so my Mom would drive me and my eleven year old sister in the car (she didn't like being home alone). My Mom and her would talk endlessly, literally endlessly, about the Twilight Books during the Commute for months. It was so boring! So by the time the movie came out, I sadly knew the book front-to-back, and I could easily tell it was a terrible book. So when the movie was coming out, I was thinking to myself: "That is going to be the Worst Piece-of-Sh*t Movie of the year." Luckily, I didn't see it in theaters when it came out, but months later, when I had to watch over my younger sister, I was essentially forced to watch her DVD of the movie. So I saw it with her, and boy was I wrong, IT WAS THE ABSOLUTE WORST PIECE-OF-SH*T MOVIE OF AT LEAST 10 YEARS. And on top of that, each movie was also in their own right just as horrible.
The Twilight movies are the worst movies I've ever seen. And believe me, I've seen a lot of terrible movies; I've seen Batman & Robin, Baby Geniuses, Catwoman, Disaster Movie, Jack & Jill, and The Last Airbender, even the Garbage Pale Kids Movies. But Twilight is worse than these all these terrible movies combined. It makes me cringe just writing about it now.
What do I hate about it? Pretty much everything. The Acting is the worst I've ever seen. I did not believe once that the actors were actually trying to give a good performance. Kristen Stewart is such a bad and annoying actress, and her character Bella is the worst character ever made. She has no personality, only cares about herself, does not change as a character AT ALL, she is weak, she never takes responsibility for her actions, she is overly dependent on all the men in her life, and throws her life away for some guy she has no real relationship with. There's not a single positive or even Meh thing to say about her. Edward is such a terrible character as well, I mean he is only in one mood (Stoic) for the entire saga and because of that has no personality. He is obviously not a 100 year old vampire, or even really a vampire, because he does not act like a 100 year old vampire. He is creepy, he is bland, he is the worst vampire ever. And Jacob, My God, WHO FALLS IN LOVE WITH A NEWBORN BABY?! THATS NOT CHARMING, THATS SCARY AND CREEPY.
On top of the bad characters, the story is terrible as well. Stephanie Meyer obviously had no what a vampire was, so she created her fantasy image of one. I don't even call these things vampires, because they are not. Who makes Vampires glitter in the sun? And why do they have X-Men like powers? And why are they Immortal? And why do they not drink Human blood? I don't care what reason they put in there, but a vampire not drinking blood makes no sense. I don't even think the vampires in the movies even have fangs.
The effects are terrible, the cinematography is awful, the lighting is the worst I've ever seen, the entire movie is literally blue. The Dialogue is terrible, and I did not believe once, ONCE, that Edward and Bella were in any form of relationship. Their relationship in the movie was so creepy that it is perverted, I mean a 100 year old dating a teenager? Are You Crazy! WHO DOES THAT AND FINDS IT CHARMING?!
Okay I've gone on enough, but this movie is terrible. Its stupid, it's boring, it insults the audiences' intelligence, there is nothing salvageable. This is the textbook example of how Not to make a movie. When I have kids, I will NOT allow them to see the movies or read the books. This is a movie nobody should see. I hope it burns in hell.
The Last Airbender (2010)
Did Shyamalan even care?
I'm a big fan of the Avatar: The Last Airbender Series. I remember seeing the series as a Kid and was blown away by it. Long Story short, it's not only one of the best animated series of all time, but one of the greatest TV series of all time period.
I don't know what Shyamalan had in mind with directing the movie. But I really don't think he even cared about the series to begin with. I think he only knew a little about it because of his kids but did not pay attention to or examine what mad the show so great to begin with. It feels like when he was given the job to direct the adaptation he was like: "Oh God! I gotta direct a cartoon? Okay I'll do it. But I'm doing it my way." It's obvious he did not really pay attention to what made the series so great to begin with and did not care to properly represent it and rather make it in his own vision.
The movie feels so lazily done in almost every way. The acting is horrible, the action is slow and boring, the characters are nothing like they are in the show. Sokka in the show is the funny wise-cracker, but in the movie, he's the most stoic and serious gruff I've seen since Edward from Twilight. Katara barely has a role in the story, and Aang didn't even crack a smile ONCE, and he's the most fun loving and happy character. The dialogue is so terrible; it's all exposition with no emotion.
The whole movie feels like Shyamalan just wanted to get it done as soon as possible. I bet he only saw a few episodes, wrote the screenplay in one draft, and did every shot in one take. There's so much exposition, its ridiculous. I think when Shyamalan was writing the screenplay, someone was on the side telling him what happened in the series, so he found somewhere to squeeze it in, mainly in the form of dialogue. The movie feels so rushed and so lazy. Like there's a scene with Earth-benders who are imprisoned in a POW Camp in a rocky ravine. Seriously? You didn't think about how this is a stupid idea, Shyamalan?
And the action is so boring. Its obvious that neither the director nor the actors even knew about martial arts or how they were used in the show, so they filmed what looked like martial arts and added special effects around them. Shyamalan must have seen Avatar: The Last Airbender, but did not care about the series enough to really try and represent it, and decided to make it his way instead.
Vampires Suck (2010)
A Horrible Movie, but not as Bad as the movie it's spoofing
Vampires Suck is undoubtedly an awful movie to watch. It's another "Masterpiece" created by the Horrible movie directors of Friedberg and Seltzer. These guys have no idea how to make anything good, or even how to make anything humorous. They should be banned from the industry from making anything. And this movie is no exception. But why do I give it two stars instead of one? Because though Vampires Suck is a terrible film, its still a better movie than any of the Twilight movies. Yes, BETTER. The Twilight movies are the worst movies I've ever seen. Its mainly because of the horrible characters of Bella, Edward and Jacob who have no decent human qualities. It also ruins the lore of horror fantasy. Because of the Twilight movies, I will never find Vampires or Werewolves interesting ever again. Bottom Line, the Twilight movies are to me the lowest levels cinema can ever sink down to. Vampires Suck is better because it at least know the franchise it's spoofing is already horrible to begin with. Friedberg/Seltzer at least know that Twilight is terrible, so anything they do will be better than Twilight. Don't get me wrong, all of their movies are really bad. I just find them better than Twilight will ever be.
Batman (1966)
Adam West is the Worst Batman
Though this show was popular in the 60s and made Batman a household name, it actually made the franchise take a turn for the worst for 20 years. When Batman was created by Bob Kane and Bill Finger, he was intended to be a dark vigilante who fought crime to avenge the death of his parents. He was accompanied by Robin, who while being a more 'fun' character still had the elements of tragedy to him. And the villains were very sinister; they always had dark plans based on their own desires of revenge, greed, or in the Joker's case, utter mayhem. Essentially, In the Comics, Batman was a dark figure before this show came out. But this show, it did not know at all what Batman was. They had no idea that Batman was a vigilante and is a three dimensional character, along with the supporting characters who were great. They must have seen the comics, but they just did not care about trying to properly represent the world they created. They cast Adam West and Burt Ward, who I'm sure were both comedians, as Batman and Robin. They made the characters as jokey, one dimensional heroes who were always fighting crime for fun. I'm pretty sure that in this show, Bruce Wayne's parents never even were killed. They were not mention ONCE in the show and we get no back-story for Bruce and why he is Batman. He is instead a jokey comedian who is more loony than the Joker. To Be honest, I'd argue that Adam West is the Worst Batman of all time. Because with Val Kilmer and George Clooney, while they were still bad as Batman, they at least had some of the elements that made Batman/Bruce Wayne a great character, including the seriousness and the trauma of losing ones parents still haunting them. The Adam West version has none of that. I'd be surprised if anyone involved in production even glimpsed at a Batman comic, that's how far this show is from the essence of the Dark Knight. The Show ruined Batman for 20 years until Tim Burton made his version of the character. The music sucks, the comedy makes no sense, no one properly represents their characters in any way. Its a show that is terrible.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008)
A Great Series for Star Wars Fans!
When I saw the movie, I thought it was garbage. It had everything I hated that were in the Prequels (not the Prequels themselves). And I had no interest in the show because of it. But I saw a few episodes on the internet, and I was hooked. It is a great series for Star Wars fans to watch. Everything about it is outstanding. The characters, the story arcs and individual episodes, the design, animation, I can go on for hours saying what is great about the series.
The characters they introduced and expanded upon are great. Anakin's Padawan Ahsoka, whom I rolled my eyes when they introduced in the movie, is an awesome character. She's smart, cunning, she takes action, she is fun to watch. They introduce new villains like Asajj Ventress and Cade Bane who are awesome. The show even expands upon the beloved characters from the Original and Prequel Trilogies, like Boba Fett, General Grievous, Obi-Wan, Mace Windu, even Darth Maul, who they reveal in the series has survived Episode 1 and then make him one of the major villains. Even the character who only appear for a handful of episodes have depth, such as Commander Rex, Lee-Char, and Hondo Ohnaka, each of whom are characters created for the show.
Everything about the series is done in such an amazing way, it is one of the best animated series I have ever seen. If you are a Star Wars Fan, I insist you must check this series out. Skip the movie, just watch a few episodes, and I assure you'll be a better fan.
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
The Pros and Cons of the Phantom Menace
The Phantom Menace is one of the few movies to have both good stuff everyone loves and bad crap that everyone hates. I myself am a massive Star Wars Fan and personally enjoy watching this movie, but that being said I think there are some major problems that need to be addressed as well. So here are my pros and cons.
I'm going to start with my cons first in order to get them off my chest before I get into the good stuff. This movie has several problems that practically everyone knows about and I dislike as well. First off, and most well-known, is Jar-Jar Binks. This character is the epitome of annoying stupidity, with his terrible dialect and clumsiness. I don't even have to describe why I hate this character because most of Modern Culture does it for me. He is so bad that if he wasn't in this movie at all then I would vote a 7 or even an 8. Also what I don't like about this movie is the Jake Lloyd's Anakin. The kid is such a bad portrayal of the character who would be central to the rest of the prequel trilogy. I actually think showing the Future Darth Vader as a 10 year old kid might have worked, except they only had one chance to do that, ONE CHANCE, but they got the worst kid actor on Earth to portray the said character, plus with the bad dialogue they gave the character.If they were to remake this movie, they should not only not have Jar-Jar Binks in it at all, but they should have Anakin be older. Make him Luke's age or at least have him be a teenager. There are also the Midiclorians that I cannot stand, because it essentially ruins the spiritual side of the Force and added scientific explanations to its existence. Those are the big 3 things I don't like about this movie. The things I also don't like in this movie are also the overuse of Political meetings (Only 1 or 2 are necessary), and some of the dialogue is very week. And also how C3PO is introduced is very dumb, it would have been much better to have him come from Coruscant or Naboo and already work as a protocol droid, rather than have Anakin build him as a child on Tatooine. So Yeah, that's basically what I don't like about this movie.
Now here are the things I really like that this movie brought into the Star Wars franchise. First off and most obvious is the Lightsaber combat. They are very well choreographed and show the Jedi in their prime along with having them use the force to a great extent. The Lightsaber Combat in this movie and the rest of the Prequels is one of the few things that is actually better than those in the Original Trilogy. I also really like Darth Maul and the actual introduction of the Sith. I mean Palpatine and Vader were in the original trilogy, but this is the first time when we learn that the main enemy of the Jedi order is the Sith. As for Darth Maul, he is an awesome villain for this movie. He is intimidating, brutal, such an awesome presence on screen. Unfortunately he gets killed off at the end is such a dumb way where Obi Wan simply jumps up and slices him in half. If you wish to kill of such an awesome character, at least have him duel Obi Wan briefly immediately before he is sliced in half (Though he's alive in the Clone Wars Series). Also I really like the characters in the movie, well, most of them, but definitely not Jar Jar or Young Anakin. Liam Neeson was well cast for this role as an Wise but Unorthodox Jedi Master Qui Gon Jinn (one of my favorite Jedis in the Star Wars Franchise). Ewan McGregor's Obi Wan Kenobi is also a great portrayal of an already existing character in the saga. I also like Natalie Portman in her role as Padme. Its funny, when she's under the Queen Amidala guise she seems very hallow and boring, but is more interesting as a character when she is Padme. The Battle Droids in this movie are very cool as well, especially the Droidrekas. The Podracing is also pretty awesome. And finally, what I really like in this movie is the design. Every location in this movie from Naboo to Tatooine to Coruscant are very fascinating places to see on screen. They are great additions to the Star Wars Universe.
So overall, I enjoy this movie, but I do have mixed feelings about it. I'm not one of those Star Wars fans who outright hates the prequels. Instead there are just things I hate about them. But to be honest of the three movies in the Prequel Trilogy, this is the one I have the most amount of problems with; it is my least favorite of the Star Wars movies. But I still like this movie overall. It is a movie you have to see from the Star Wars Saga (well all of them are, and more so than this one). If you see it at a young age, you would like this movie. But if you see it at an older age, you only might like this movie. My rating for this movie has to be C+.