BillyBC Reviews

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

I hate to admit it, but this "unnecessary remake" is pretty bloody disturbing....

[31 October 2003]

Well, I grudgingly saw the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake yesterday. Usually I'm the first one to criticize these unnecessary remakes (for example, I will never see Gus Van Sant's sacreligious Psycho remake, and I'm thinking of standing outside the theatre and boycotting former-cool-director Tim Burton's upcoming remake of Willy Wonka) -- make all the arguments you want defending remakes like these, but it doesn't change the fact that they represent a lack of imagination and originality coming out of "Hollywood." Yes, there are definite exceptions (Martin Scorsese's Cape Fear and John Carpenter's The Thing come to mind), but, most often, you get junk like the awful, cgi-infested Haunting remake and Burton's boring Planet of the Apes (what's happened to Burton's creativity? Well, I'm getting off track.)

The TCM remake had other strikes going against it, too, in my opinion. The big one -- it was produced by, I honestly believe, one of the worst directors in the last ten years, Michael Bay. Thankfully, Mr. Fast-Cut-Edit didn't direct the thing. The other strike was the casting of teen beauty Jessica Biel in the main role. Nothing against her -- I just didn't think she'd live up to the terrified, shrieking brilliance of Marilyn Burns in the original. Well, she didn't, but she wasn't terrible. I was impressed.

So, anyway, with these strikes in mind, I went in with pretty low expectations, so maybe that's why I was delightfully surprised. I'm gonna swallow my pretentious pride right now and admit that the TCM remake isn't bad. In fact, a lot of it is downright dark and disturbing. Despite being produced by Bay, the direction isn't all fast cuts and mind-numbing edits (something that was actually done well by Tobe Hooper in the original TCM), and, here and there, it's pretty damn scary. It's also one of the most violent movies I've ever seen (and I have seen a LOT of these kinds of movies.) It's like the filmmakers wanted to take the reputation of the original (which really isn't that graphically violent at all) and make the new movie as gory and bloody as people who never saw the original assumed it was. The violence is so disturbing in this movie because the Sawyer family (namely that lovable, huggable Leatherface) don't just kill their victims -- they keep them alive for a while, hanging on hooks, missing limbs, and work on them slowly -- so there's a lot of sadistic torture and realistic pain portrayed throughout the last half of the movie. I'm almost surprised, in fact, that this got past the ratings board with a mere "R" rating. Also, unlike the original, it's the guys in this one that get the worst of it, a pretty interesting role reversal in the slasher genre.

Forget about Rob Zombie's everthing-and-the-kitchen-sink, MTV-video mess House of 1,000 Corpses -- the TCM remake is the real '70s/'80s slasher homage of the year. It's like a throwback to some of those dark and depraved slashers that came out seemingly every other week back then. Trust me, this is not at all like the typical teeny-bopper "slashers" that have come out in the wake of the Scream movies. This one is truly twisted. I actually had a nightmare about this movie the night after I saw it -- I haven't had a nightmare from a scary movie since I was ten!

One criticism: Leatherface is given some unneccessary background (and you even get to see his face), but, fortunately, he is given just enough screen time to be effectively scary. I don't agree with the reviewer here who wanted to see more of him -- too much Leatherface would be overkill, he's best used sparingly for maximum shock effect. But, in a brilliant casting move, R. Lee Ermey (Full Metal Jacket) pops up in one of those roles he plays to the hilt (incidentally, he was also fun in the Willard remake earlier this year -- another remake that's pretty good. Hmm, maybe I need to rethink my whole "remake philosophy"...)

So, to conclude -- no, this doesn't quite have that manic, low-budget creepy brilliance of the original, but I do think it's ten times better than Leatherface: TCM III and that ridiculous fourth one with Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey (which were every bit as much remakes of the original as this one is, if you think about it). So, all of you purists out there who might be resisting this remake of an American horror classic, do like I did -- go see it with low expectations and you might be surprised. It will give you the willies.

Scream 3 (2000)

Not exactly a charm third time around, but still pretty good...

[3 June 2003]

(*** out of *****)

Well, they kept getting worse, but this sequel's still okay on its own (and anything with Parker Posey in it is worth checking out in my book.) By this point, the franchise had started parodying itself more than any other slashers from the ‘80s (I love the phony studio duplication of Sydney's house from the first movie.) The guest stars in this one are overwhelming (Patrick Dempsey, Jenny McCarthy, Roger Corman, Lance Henriksen, Patrick `Putty' Warburton, Heather Matarazzo, Carrie Fisher, Jay & Silent Bob -- whew! Is that all of them?) And, of course, Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox and David Arquette (who were married by this time) are back (as well as Jamie Kennedy in a funny video cameo). Kevin Williamson wasn't on board this time around, but I think his tongue-in-cheek spirit is still apparent. Forget the plot -- just enjoy the damn thing.

HIGHLIGHT: Every scene with Parker Posey (damn, she's hot!)

Scream 2 (1997)

Not quite as good as the original, but possibly funnier...

[3 June 2003]

(*** out of *****)

This sequel is even more of an homage to late-‘70s and early-‘80s slashers than the first one. It borrows generously from such college-campus-killer classics as "Black Christmas," "He Knows You're Alone" (the opening scene) and "Final Exam" (the hazing scene) as well as the original "Friday the 13th." This is not quite as good as the first, and parts of it are a bit tedious (for example, anyone else notice how the killer(s) is always getting his ass kicked by Neve Campbell, but then seems to have no trouble taking on TWO burly police detectives?), but it still has enough clever twists, amusing dialogue and suspenseful set pieces to make it enjoyable. I love how this movie even satirizes itself by having the movie-within-a-movie storyline ("Stab," with Tori Spelling, Luke Wilson, and Heather Graham!) Along with Campbell, Courtney Cox, David Arquette, Liev Schreiber, and Jamie Kennedy (from the first film), we get new victims Jerry O'Connell, Jada Pinkett Smith, and `Buffy,' herself, Sarah Michelle Geller. Rebecca Gayheart and Portia de Rossi are also pretty funny as airhead sorority girls, but Arquette and Kennedy are the two funniest ones to watch this time around (there scene together in the diner is the comic-highlight of the film.)

HIGHLIGHT: Well, either the above-mentioned diner scene or the scene where Campbell and her friend (Elise Neal) have to squeeze past the unconscious body of the killer from the back seat of a wrecked police car.

Scream (1996)

It is unfortunate that this movie redefined the modern slasher film and spawned so many bad imitators, but I can't fault the source...

[3 June 2003]

(***1/2 out of *****)

I guess most `true' slasher fans are supposed to hate this movie, because it was almost solely responsible for taking the once-controversial (and generally condemned) slasher genre and making it wildly popular with the teen crowd by cramming it with the latest teeny-bopper stars and making the dialogue pop-culturally hip and winkingly self-referential. Well, I agree that this series has influenced a slew of lame imitators ("I Know What You Did Last Summer," "Valentine,' 'Urban Legend,' etc., etc., etc.), but I'm sorry, Craven and writer Kevin Williamson make a good team -- I enjoyed this movie. It's clever, it's funny, the actors are mostly likable, and -- in spite of all the cutesy, tongue-in-cheek dialogue -- there are a few suspenseful (and quite violent) scenes to boot. And rather than out-right spoofing slasher movies (like the seriously UNfunny "Scary Movie" series), Craven and Williamson pay homage to this ‘70s/‘80s genre (they reference everything from "Halloween" to 1974's "Black Christmas" to even lesser-known stuff, like the 1981 slasher "Happy Birthday to Me.") It is unfortunate that this series has seriously changed the ways in which slasher/horror films are made today, but, honestly, has the genre really been going anywhere since, like, the late ‘80s? David Arquette, Courtney Cox, and Jamie Kennedy are the most fun to watch here, and also in the cast are Neve Campbell, Johnny Depp--er--I mean Skeet Ulrich, Matthew Lillard, Drew Barrymore, and Rose McGowan.

HIGHLIGHT: The opening murder scene -- with Barrymore, telephone in hand, being stabbed and gutted on her front lawn, just a few feet away from her parents -- disturbs me every time I watch it.

StageFright (1987)

Pretty good for a movie about a killer who wears a giant owl head mask.

[3 June 2003]

(*** out of *****)

Dario Argento understudy Michele Soavi's first film is a slasher gorefest about an escaped mental patient who locks himself up in a theatre with a group of actors rehearsing overnight for an avant-garde musical based on the very same serial killer who's stalking them. The killer wears an oversized owl mask that, at first, looks kinda ridiculous, but, curiously, as the story progresses, starts to look creepier and creepier. Other than some really violent murders, the first half is pretty standard -- you got your attractive and likable characters, your attractive and unlikable characters, and you even got your unattractive AND unlikable characters who you wouldn't mind seeing get offed early on. But, Soavi shows some touches of style and direction in the second half (which he would go on to exhibit even further in "Cemetary Man"), and the suspense and gore is cranked up a few notches. This was made the same year as Argento's "Opera" and, in terms of setting and tone, is similar in some ways. "Opera" is much better in my opinion, but this ambitious little slasher flick is a good start for Soavi.

HIGHLIGHT: Trapped underneath the stage, heroine Alicia (Barbara Cupisti -- also in "Opera") has to work the key to the front door loose from a floor board directly underneath the unsuspecting killer's feet.

The Last House on the Left (1972)

Hard to like, but harder to ignore...

[31 May 2003]

(*** out of *****)

--Spoiler Alert--

Craven claimed that this, his first movie, was a loose remake of Ingmar Bergman's The Virgin Spring. While it's not quite as spiritually symbolic, cerebral, or subtle as the Swedish film, LHOTL is one of the most extreme, American-made exploitation classics of the ‘70s. Along with The Exorcist, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Halloween, it's probably one of the defining (and most copied) horror movies of that decade. It tells the story of two girls (Sandra Cassel and Lucy Grantham) who are kidnapped, raped, and murdered by a gang of escaped criminals when they try to buy dope from them while on the way to a concert. David Hess (The House on the Edge of the Park, Swamp Thing) forever doomed himself to despicable villain typecasting after playing the role of Krug Stillo, the sadistic rapist/killer who leads the violent gang of thugs. Fred J. Lincoln is also pretty slimy as Fred `Weasel' Podowski. The scenes in the forest are brutal and hard to watch, even in the American-released, edited version (I haven't seen the uncut version.) But, the `fun' really starts when the criminals unwittingly hole up in the house of one of the girl's parents (Gaylord St. James and Cynthia Carr). The most irritating (yet, at the same time, disturbing) aspect of this film is the cheesy, occasionally light-hearted music that plays over the matter-of-fact scenes of rape and torture and over the end credits. The bumbling, comic-relief cops (one of them played by Martin Kove, the evil karate instructor from the Karate Kid movies) are too out of place and inappropriate in a movie like this. Aside from these factors -- as well as an unlikely and overly elaborate revenge climax (honestly--shaving cream on the floor?) -- this movie, love it or hate it, stays with you afterwards. Craven's follow-up, The Hills Have Eyes, upped the body count and depravity (though in a less-realistic fashion) and included many of the same themes, but his films have gotten more watered down ever since (Music of the Heart, anyone?) Sean S. Cunningham, of Friday the 13th fame, was the producer.

HIGHLIGHT: Kinda hard to identify a highlight in a movie like this, but the scene where the daughter is murdered, despite its cruelty and violence, is strangely beautiful and affecting -- a hint of powerful direction (which you don't see much from Craven).

Sorority House Massacre (1986)

A lot less T&A than Wynorski's nightie slashers, but a lot more story and suspense (hmm, tough call...)

[28 May 2003]

(**1/2 out of *****)

This is the only movie in the slasher-slashes-girls-in-their-nighties series -- which includes the "Slumber Party Massacre" movies and Jim Wynorski's "Hard to Die" (he also directed the sequel to this one) -- that stands on its own. It has nothing to do with the others, and, storywise, it's better. Angela O'Neill plays a traumatized college girl who has sleeping and waking nightmares about a madman who murdered his family, except for one sister (guess who it is), twelve years ago in the house that is now O'Neill's sorority house. When she and three of her sorority sisters are left alone for the weekend, her dreams come true when the same nutcase escapes from the mental hospital and comes back home to finish the job. I'm not gonna lie to you -- this is far from great -- but, it is surprisingly suspenseful in parts, the characters are fairly likable, and, unlike most of these other movies, the script does a believably good job of keeping the girls trapped in the house. There is a silly dress-up montage (including the obligatory topless scenes), the obligatory false-scare climax (including a totally unnecessary final murder that ticked me off), and lots of scenes of knives going into stomachs and backs. Otherwise, the T&A is not as rampant as in the other nightie slashers, but the story is (slightly) more rewarding.

HIGHLIGHT: One sorority chic and her boyfriend are fooling around in a tent in the backyard when the killer ruins all their fun by slashing up the tent and stabbing the girl right between the -- well, not the eyes -- and her boyfriend ditches her and runs, screaming and buck-naked, back into the house.

Trauma (1993)

It's no "Deep Red," but so what? It's still better than most "fans" would have you believe...

[27 May 2003]

(***1/2 out of *****)

This shot-in-Minnesota Argento mystery-thriller never gets the credit it deserves. So it's not as flashy and deliriously twisted as some of the Italian master's earlier work -- so what. It relies more on creating people you actually care about and, for this reason, I think it's one of his most character-driven films. Argento's real-life daughter (and European sex symbol) Asia Argento plays a young anorexic who witnesses the decapitation murder of her parents by a serial killer known as `The Head Hunter' who only kills when it's raining. With the help of a local TV news writer (Christopher Rydell), who is himself a recovering drug addict, she tries to solve the murders and reveal the killer's identity before he/she kills again. Although it's not quite as lavish as, say, Suspiria or Opera, there are some typically inventive touches that raise this above other early-‘90s slasher movies of its kind (for example, the killer uses a mechanical device with a razor-sharp wire to decapitate victims, and some heads continue to move and even speak for a few seconds after they've been cut off.) A great oddball cast (including eccentric character actor Brad Dourif, Frederic Forrest as the suspicious, unconventional doc, and Piper Laurie as Asia's batty, phony-medium mom) make it even more enjoyable -- but, honestly, this movie has one of the most unusual and seemingly out-of-place opening and closing credits sequences of any movie I've ever seen.

HIGHLIGHT: When the wire on the decapitation device snags on Dourif's necklace, the unruffled killer compensates by dragging him over to an elevator shaft and pushing his head under the descending elevator car.

Hide and Go Shriek (1988)

Actually delivered more than I expected...

[27 May 2003]

(**1/2 out of *****)

A group of horny young teenagers (aren't they all?) break into a furniture warehouse for a night of frivolous games and serious sex (or is it serious games and frivolous sex?) But, wouldn't you know it, a wet-blanket serial killer/madman has to start butchering everyone and spoiling all the fun. This looks even more low-budget than most ‘80s slashers, but I actually enjoyed it, once things got going. For one thing, the setting is great -- with an old, open elevator and multiple, dark floors full of mannequins and beds, so that the characters never know where the killer is, not to mention each other -- and the survivors are not necessarily the ones you'd expect (you never know who's gonna get it next.) There's the expected nudity and violence, but the mood and suspense place this one slightly above other teens-locked-in-a-building-with-a-psychopath slashers of its kind.

HIGHLIGHT: One girl waits for her boyfriend to come back to bed, unaware that the killer has messily disposed of him and put on his clothes, setting up a very scary scene of mistaken identity.

Open House (1987)

Buyer beware...

[27 May 2003]

(*1/2 out of *****) SPOILERS A large, homeless psychopath, upset over the high cost of living in Beverly Hills, begins preying upon real estate agents and their customers. At least he's creative -- he glues razor blades to a stick to slice and dice one flirtatious agent and her potential client in a bathroom and he drags a naked chic across the lawn by a dog leash before hanging her in the garage. Director Mundhra ("Tropical Heat," "Sexual Malice," and other similar crap) has no knack for subtlety -- one butchered victim in a shower stall is shown repeatedly in annoying flashes until all possible shock and suspense is sapped clean. Joseph Bottoms plays a radio shrink who suspects that one of his repeat callers is the killer, and Adrienne Barbeau (forever teetering on the brink of pure B-movie infamy) plays his girlfriend and one of the top real estate agents in her district. She has a brief topless scene, if that matters to anyone.

Lowlight: After decapitating one victim and preparing to butcher another as she skinnydips in the backyard swimming pool, the killer takes a brief time-out to put his bloody ax down and pet a soft kitty that just happens to stroke up against his leg. This apparently goes to show that all serial ax-murderers are really big softies at heart.

New Year's Evil (1980)

Not too good...

[27 May 2003]

(** out of *****)

A killer calls in to a live New Year's Eve punk party to inform the host (Roz Kelly) that, at the stroke of midnight in each time zone, he will kill someone. Meanwhile, some generic punk bands play on stage and Kelly's troubled son (Grant Kramer) sits up in the hotel room popping pills and pulling red panty hose over his head. This doesn't quite suck, and there is a nice little twist towards the end, but it's mostly boring, and Kelly's heroine is obnoxious and hard to like. Kip Niven plays the killer, who disguises himself as a doctor for one murder and a priest for another, and Chris Wallace plays the detective on the case. In one scene, Niven hides out at a drive-in theater that's showing a ‘70s exploitation double bill of Blood Feast and Blood Bath.

Lowlight: It's a toss-up between those lousy, so-called punk band performances and watching Kramer sit in an empty room with red tights stretched over his face.

The Mutilator (1984)

It's aptly titled, at the least.

[25 May 2003]

(** out of *****)

The goofy opening credits sequence (and the cheesy `Fall Break' theme song that plays over this sequence) almost tricks you into thinking this is just another one of those cheapo ‘80s teen comedies where a bunch of dumb kids go to the beach and screw around. But don't be fooled -- this is actually just another one of those cheapo ‘80s teen slashers where a bunch of dumb kids go to the beach and screw around and get brutally slaughtered by a homicidal maniac. You see, one of the dumb kids (Matt Mitler) accidentally shot his mother in the back with a shotgun when he was a little boy and his alcoholic, big-game hunter father (John Chatham) never forgave him for it. So, ten or so years later, the dysfunctional old man asks his son to lock up the beach condo for the winter, but only so he can take out his revenge on his son and his son's friends with antique battle axes, big fishing gaffs, chainsaws, butcher knives, etc. (talk about holding a grudge!) There is some mild suspense here and there, but the only things that really distinguish this overly familiar killer thriller are some pretty graphic gore effects. Otherwise, the directing and editing are poorer than usual, and the acting is not quite on the same level as, say, `Glengarry Glen Ross' (but, I suppose that's to be expected, right?) It starts to pick up quite a bit in the climax, with the mad dad still chopping away at state troopers with his ax -- even with the lower half of his body missing! They actually have a bloopers reel running during the end credits (like in the "Cannonball Run" movies).

Lowlight: In one scene of such artistic beauty and vivid cinematography that it rivals anything by Bertolucci or Herzog, a female victim is hoisted up by a steel hook through her crotch and savagely beheaded.

Intruder (1989)

Don't rent it for Bruce Campbell's two-minute cameo

[25 May 2003]

(**1/2 out of *****)

I was eager to see this movie about people trapped in a supermarket with a homicidal maniac because of: 1.) some of the favorable reviews I'd read for it; 2.) the director -- Spiegel co-wrote Evil Dead 2; and 3.) the interesting cast (Sam and Ted Raimi, Renee Estevez, Bruce Campbell -- only a cameo). Well, for one thing, it's about as low budget as you can possibly get (what is the deal with some late ‘80s-to-present low budget horror films? Most low budget slasher movies made in the early ‘80s look so much better than this grainy, seemingly shot-on-video crud. Has financing and video distribution for these independent studios deteriorated that much over the years?) -- in fact, it looks like it might have even been shot with a supermarket surveillance camera. Anyway, I was a bit disappointed overall. The story's not that good, the acting's mostly mediocre, the writing is often just bad, and even the gore -- as gratuitous and unrelenting as it is -- is kinda dull (one victim is hung by his face on a meat hook and another has his head sliced in half with a large meat cutter.) One disclaimer: I was plastered when I watched this, so a lot of it is jumbled together, but my general philosophy is that if I don't care that much for a movie even when I've tied one on, then it really can't be that good. The direction shows some flair, but all of those stylish camera angles draw too much attention to themselves and get kind of irritating after a while. The minor twist ending is similar to the ending of the even worse flick "The Dorm That Dripped Blood."

HIGHLIGHT: One character is beaten senseless with a human head (hmm, on second thought, maybe that's a lowlight -- ?)

Killer Party (1986)

These are the best times of our life, indeed....

[25 May 2003]

(** out of *****)

It's another sorority pledge/killer-in-the-house flick, with three pretty sorority babes and all their friends getting butchered at an April Fool's Day costume party by the vengeful spirit of a reincarnated fraternity pledge. Only, none of this really gets going until the last half hour -- for most of the movie, we're treated with long, dumb scenes of typical fraternity/sorority hijinks, pranks and shenanigans (I wish my college experience had been half as fun as this movie makes it look.) Also, I docked this movie half a star for the obnoxious and totally unnecessary double-fake-out beginning (a movie inside of a stupid, "Thriller"-like music video inside of a movie). Finally, we get to the haunted house, where the resurrected killer walks around in a deep-sea diver suit and uses such diverse tools of the slasher trade as a hammer, a trident, and a guillotine. In the climax, one of the girls gets possessed and starts snarling and slobbering and crawling around on chandeliers and ceilings (not an altogether unimpressive performance, actually.) There's minimal nudity and all of the violence is off-screen. Paul Bartel makes one of his typical B-movie cameos as an uptight college professor, and the three main girls are played by Elaine Wilkes, Sherry Willis-Burch, and Joanna Johnson. Also with Martin Hewitt, Alicia Fleer and Ralph Seymour (from "Fletch"). The theme song played over the opening and closing credits (the chorus goes, `These are the best times of our life, these are the best times. ... ') sounds like a generic ‘80s song, but hearing it after most of the cast gets wiped out was amusing in a (most likely unintentional) ironic sort of way.

HIGHLIGHT: Johnson's performance as the drooling, wall-climbing, possessed college cutie, Jennifer, is the film's highlight. She's no Linda Blair, but, for this kind of derivative, low-budget trash, she's not half bad.

Tenebrae (1982)

Argento at his bloodiest, but not necessarily his best...

[25 May 2003]

(*** out of *****)

--Spoiler Alert--

Chances for survival are slim in this ultra-violent Argento bloodbath -- just about the entire cast gets messily butchered in some form or another before the end credits roll. I think it's a little overrated by most Argento fans (some of the acting's pretty stiff, and you have to put up with an interminably long dog attack scene), but there's still enough style and visceral shock to make it worthwhile. Anthony Franciosa plays a mystery author on a book tour in Rome when an obsessed fan starts stabbing, slicing and chopping up people based on scenes from Franciosa's books. Argento's twisted plot is even more complex than usual, with bizarre flashbacks, abnormal psychological fixations, and a large cast of possible suspects. This was originally released on video in the U.S. as "Unsane," with several minutes of stylish camera work and graphic violence cut out, but now, thanks to Anchor Bay, you get to see it in all of its bloody glory. John Saxon plays Franciosa's agent, Daria Nicolodi actually does a pretty good job in one of her most likable roles as Franciosa's mousy assistant and possible lover, and there's a great (albeit a bit outdated) score by long-time Argento collaborators Goblin.

HIGHLIGHT: In the film's most graphic scene, Veronica Lario, as Franciosa's slightly unhinged ex-lover, has her arm lopped off with an axe, and the stump sprays blood like a garden hose all over the white walls.

Maniac (1980)

There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us...

[25 May 2003]

(*1/2 out of *****)

Joe Spinell plays the title character, an overweight sicko with an Oedipus Complex who pretty much kills off everyone he comes into contact with in progressively violent manners. All this exploitative drek has to offer is one gratuitously gory murder scene after another, with little plot, characterization, or style whatsoever. Tom Savini's gore and makeup effects are first-rate (especially the death-by-shotgun scene) if you're into that kinda thing. I'm not a total prude, but I like slasher movies that offer a little more than just blood and guts, and this one doesn't deliver. Honestly, there's something perverse and misogynistic about unredeeming violence of this sort. Caroline Munro plays a pretty photographer who strikes up an implausible relationship with head-scalper/doll fetishist Spinell.

Lowlight: One victim is tied to her bed, stabbed, and then scalped in a graphic scene that I did not have fun watching (even drunk).

Hell Night (1981)

Poor Linda Blair -- possessed by the devil as a child and now chased all over a mansion by disfigured psychopaths...

[22 May 2003]

(***1/2 out of *****)

You could probably find a lot to criticize in this derivative kids-in-a-haunted-house-with-a-killer flick (and, from the sounds of most of the reviews here, it sounds like a lot of you have), but I don't care -- for some reason, I love this movie! I think it's one of the epitomal early-'80s slashers -- a scary, fun time-waster that leans more on setting and suspense rather than blood, breasts, and guts. Linda Blair (apparently all cured from the "devil-possession" thing a few years back) stars as a wet-blanket sorority pledge who must spend a night with three other pledges in the deserted Garth Mansion, the site of a long-ago brutal family slaying at the hands of the psychopathic father. The deformed, idiot son of the family was never found, until Blair and friends crash the place, cranking the radio and making the rusty bed springs squeak. In spite of brief shots of a decapitation, a neck being twisted and broken, and a scythe going through a stomach, this movie isn't quite as violent as others of its sort. But there are a number of suspenseful sequences involving hidden trap doors and secret underground tunnels, and most of the characters (including Vincent Van Patten, Peter Barton, Jenny Neumann and Kevin Brophy) are fairly likable. The setting is also great -- a huge, dark mansion sitting in a large, gated estate that's sprawling with maze-like vegetation. There's a twist toward the end that's reminiscent of other past slasher movies, such as "Tower of Evil" and "Just Before Dawn." This is just one of those movies that clicked with me. I watch it once or twice a year and enjoy it every time. Drinking helps.

HIGHLIGHT: Blair and boyfriend Barton think they've safely barricaded themselves in one of the large bedrooms of the mansion until the rug behind them starts to rise. ...

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Guess I need to see this again...

[20 May 2003]

(* out of *****)

Very dumb sequel to the not-so-good-itself 1982 film (but, at least that one had some humor and dashes of suspense here and there.) Crystal Bernard (from the TV show Wings) plays a member of an all-girl rock band who has nightmares about an irritating, leather-wearing rock star killer with an electric guitar that also serves as a giant drill. Seriously, the scenes of this joker (Atanas Ilitch) dancing and playing his drill-guitar down long hallways are as annoying as hell (although, some reviewers on here seemed to think he was the only good part of the movie.) Anyway, this guy somehow comes to life and starts singing and slaughtering his way through the gal pals. Yep, it's about as good as it sounds. There's a pillow fight, and I think most of the girls get naked (including Bernard? I honestly can't remember...), but don't rent it for that reason.

Lowlight: In one of Bernard's nightmares, her friend develops a huge, pulsating zit that covers more than half of her face before popping and squirting green puss all over the place. Gawd -- like -- I totally hate when that happens!

Slaughter High (1986)

Almost as bad as actually reliving high school....

[20 May 2003]

(*1/2 out of *****)

--Spoiler Alert--(but, go ahead and read on, even if you haven't seen this. It'll save you time and a headache.)

Another mediocre entry in the class-nerd-takes-bloody-revenge-against-his-tormenters sub-genre of the slasher film. Gee, you'd think a movie with THREE writer-directors would be THREE times as good (not quite). All I can say for this one is that it's better than "Hell High" (but, honestly, that's like saying having one tooth pulled is better than having two teeth pulled.) A smart-ass group of overaged boys and girls pull a nasty prank on dorky Mary Rantzen (Simon Scuddamore) that results in a lab explosion that sends Marty to the hospital with acid and fire burns. The scene of him shrieking when he grabs a red-hot metal bar lying across his stomach is mildly disturbing and amusing at the same time. Years later, the bullies in question are summoned back to their condemned high school for a supposed class reunion, but, instead, it's guess-who wearing his old school jacket and a court jester mask (and he's somehow gained superhuman strength in the years since the accident.) This movie doesn't know whether to be silly or serious, everyone overacts, and acid plays a big part in several of the more gruesome effects. It always puzzles me how some slasher films from the ‘80s are cut up left and right by the censors board while others, like this one, seem to get away with (pardon the pun) murder -- guess a lot of it depends on the studio. One girl takes an acid bath, another girl is electrocuted on a bed, and an entire tractor, blades whirring, is slowly lowered onto another male victim. Caroline Munro (six years after "Maniac") plays the lead heroine, who gets to run up and down dark hallways in a baggy white pantsuit. There's a real downer ending and a bizarre epilogue that makes it seem like the whole thing might have just been a dream (I have no problem revealing this, because movies that resort to this cheap cliched ending deserve to be spoiled so no one wastes their time renting them.)

Lowlight: A big jock drinks a beercan full of acid and his midsection erupts, spilling out his guts and spraying blood all over a girl's face. Dude, how embarrassing!

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Craven reinvents the '80s slasher genre

[20 May 2003]

(****1/2 out of *****)

Along with "Halloween" and "Friday the 13th," this was one of the three most successful series in the ‘80s horror genre. This is easily Craven's best movie to date (including the semi-horror/semi-satirical "Scream" series). He puts an original spin on the (by-then) standard slasher formula by making his killer, Freddy Krueger, a deceased child killer who lives on in the nightmares of the children of the neighborhood parents who burned him to death in his boiler room when the courts were unable to convict him. Unlike its increasingly silly sequels, this movie doesn't overexpose Krueger (played by Robert Englund) and, instead of having him crack lame one-liners throughout, tries to make him an evil and frightening character. There are a number of imaginative and memorable scenes: a bloody Amanda Wyss being lifted and dragged across the ceiling by the invisible Freddy; Freddy's arms extending across the alley and his steel-clawed fingernails scratching and making sparks along the brick wall as he pursues Heather Langenkamp; future star (and serious actor) Johnny Depp being pulled into a hole in his bed and discharged in a geyser of blood; and there are plenty more. Some of the ideas are borrowed from earlier movies and books, but Craven still deserves credit for doing something inventive with the typical slasher movie. The cast also includes John Saxon, Ronee Blakley, Jsu Garcia and Charles Fleischer.

HIGHLIGHT: In the creepiest scene, Langenkamp follows her dead, bloodied and bodybag-covered best friend (Wyss) through deserted school hallways and down into the shadowy boiler room.

The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

The best one in the series, but still pretty damn dumb

[20 May 2003]

(** out of *****)

The first in a series of generic killer-slashes-girls-in-and-out-of-their-underwear movies. At least, unlike the others, this one doesn't clumsily try to throw plot twists and possible suspects at you -- it's just straight-ahead, unashamed gore and exploitation about an escaped mental patient with a large power drill who crashes an all-girl basketball team's slumber party. With all of the gratuitous nudity and violence, it's hard to believe that all three of these movies were directed by women -- if they were intended as feminist satires, then the makers didn't do a very good job of it (other than some obvious phallic references represented by the killer's probing `drill,' this movie could have been directed by any number of misogynistic men.) And, as with the other movies in this lame series, there's a fundamental flaw in the plot that requires all of the characters to remain in the house with the killer when, several times, they could easily walk out the damn front door. In spite of all of this, there are just enough thrills and jolts, and even some unexpected humor, to keep this one from being a total turkey. Curiously, this movie ties in with the "Sorority House Massacre" series (including Jim Wynorski's 1990 "Hard To Die") by having some of the same characters, actors and even scenes (both "SHM2" and "Hard To Die" use lengthy clips from this movie as flashbacks -- ?)

HIGHLIGHT: Just because the pizza boy's lying on the floor dead, with holes drilled through both eyes, doesn't mean the pizza should go to waste, so eat up, girls!

Visiting Hours (1982)

Coulda been better, coulda been worse (but isn't that always the case...?)

[18 May 2003]

(**1/2 out of *****)

A controversial TV journalist (Lee Grant) is attacked in her home by a madman (Michael Ironside) who disagrees with her views on nonviolence. When she escapes with injuries and is sent to the hospital for surgery, the killer turns his assault on doctors, nurses, and security guards in an attempt to finish her off. There are some pretty suspenseful scenes (particularly in the beginning, in Grant's home), and Ironside -- the mean-looking villain from "Scanners" and "Total Recall" -- was born to play at least one psycho slasher in his career, but much of the plotting and the killer's motivations were baffling to me, and it's a wonder some of the characters didn't fall into one of the several plot holes scattered all over the place. Also, at 106 minutes, the movie is way too long -- the second half meanders along, with Ironside sneaking in and out of the hospital as he pleases and no one seeming to be able to do anything about it. Even after multiple attempts on her life, Grant still manages to find herself completely alone in the climax and being chased through deserted corridors of the hospital. Still, there's more insight into the killer's character (who doesn't speak his first line of dialogue until about forty minutes into the movie) than you usually get in an early-'80s slasher, and you also get William Shatner as Grant's encouraging boss. Also stars Linda Purl as a pretty nurse who the killer, for some reason, starts stalking for a big part of the movie.

HIGHLIGHT: The first time we see Ironside, he jumps out naked from Grant's closet wearing all of her jewelry on his face. This is the most startling scene in the entire film and, unfortunately, it's in the first ten minutes.

The Unseen (1980)

Kinda creepy, kinda eerie -- I liked it. So sue me.

[18 May 2003]

(*** out of *****)

Barbara Bach plays a TV reporter who goes to the quaint, seaside town of Soveg, California with two of her female newscaster friends to cover an annual Danish festival. Unfortunately, the three attractive ladies choose to spend the night in an old house outside of town inhabited by a seemingly kind man (character actor Sydney Lassick -- the constantly agitated 'Charlie Cheswick' from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"), his nervous sister (Lelia Goldoni), and the product of their incestuous affair -- a disfigured, murderous man-child they keep locked in the cellar. This is actually an interesting and creepy little thriller with decent writing, beautiful on-location scenery, and a few scary sequences that'll get under your skin. It's kind of similar in tone and plot to Denny Harris's "The Silent Scream" from the same year. Karen Lamm and Lois Young play Bach's unlucky friends and Stephen Furst plays the adorable, slobbering lady-killer, Junior.

HIGHLIGHT: That irrepressible little stinker Junior, God love 'im, gets a hold of poor, pretty Karen's (or is it Vicki's?) -- played by Lamm (or Young -- hell, one or the other) -- necklace and pulls her right through the floor vent.

The Silent Scream (1979)

Good direction and some genre veterans (namely Barbara Steele) make this one worth seeing.

[18 May 2003]

(*** out of *****)

This little chiller has some fairly startling and suspenseful scenes scattered throughout, and it predates most of the "Halloween"-influenced slashers that came out in the early ‘80s, so I guess it should get some kinda credit for that. Rebecca Balding plays Scotty Parker, a college student who has to rent a room in an old, spooky house on the beach along with three other kids. The misfit son and reclusive mother (Yvonne `Lily Munster' De Carlo) who own the house have some deep, dark secrets in their past -- one of which lives up in the attic and occasionally wanders out on the beach to stab young borders with a butcher knife. Cameron Mitchell ("Blood Link" and--gulp!--"The Toolbox Murders") and Avery Schreiber play ineffective police detectives on the case, and classic horror film queen Barbara Steele (Mario Bava's "Black Sunday," Roger Corman's "The Pit and the Pendulum," Riccardo Freda's "The Horrible Dr. Hitchcock") is wonderful as always as the frightening, mute, psychopathic daughter, Victoria. The music and some of the directorial style in one of the murder scenes resembles the shower scene from "Psycho" so closely that I assumed it was intended as an homage. This movie is similar in some ways to the Barbara Bach slasher, "The Unseen," from the same year.

HIGHLIGHT: Scotty stumbles upon the dark, cobwebby staircase behind the walls that leads from the basement all the way up into the attic, and, being a typical foolish young woman in an ‘80s slasher film, she investigates it. If you're ever in a similar situation, and you come to a hole in the wall, do not stick your arm inside and feel around.

Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (1989)

More like "Twenty-something Wasteland"

[17 May 2003]

(** out of *****) Possible Spoilers

Transexual homicidal maniac Angela Baker (Pamela Springsteen) is back, this time punishing bad boys and girls at an experimental camp (Camp New Horizons) that pairs upper-class, snotty rich kids with tough, inner-city teens (though none of them look younger than 21.) The tongue-in-cheek attitude from "SC2" is still in effect here, but this time around, the tired one-liners and in-joke references (to everything from "Friday the 13th" to Sally Field's Oscar acceptance speech) seem a bit forced. Plus, Springsteen doesn't seem quite as enthusiastic in the role as she was in the last one. However, this does feature one of my favorite character actors, the eccentric Michael J. Pollard, as a lecherous, oddball counselor (but, damned if he and the hot chic don't both get killed in the first 25 minutes!) Following in the tradition of the first two movies, there are some creative murders here and there (including death by garbage truck, death by M-80 up the nose, death by lawn mower, and death by tent spikes) as well as some not-so-creative murders (decapitation by axe, beaten to death with a stick). All in all, this weakest entry in the series doesn't quite live up to its awesome sub-title.

HIGHLIGHT: Angela buries one fat and lazy counselor (Sandra Dorsey) up to her neck in a pile of garbage, then drives over her wriggling head with a lawn mower (Geez, if that's a highlight, you can imagine what the lowlights are like!)