STFU Reviews

Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)

Worst Movie Ever

[1/10 · 8 January 2004]

This movie is beyond terrible. It is the polar opposite of it's counterpart and bigger brother SPEED. It's sort of like the movie Twins. SPEED is Arnold's character, the guy who gets all the good traits, and Speed2 is Danny DeVito's character, the guy who gets all the bad traits. SPEED is the best movie ever, Speed2 is the worst movie ever. SPEED has everything, from Jeff Daniels to Dennis Hopper to Keanu Reeves. Speed2 has the leftovers, second rate actors like Jason Patric and Sandra Bullock. Wait, I take that back, Speed2 has second rate actors like Jason Patric and William DaFoe. SPEED has an exploding BUS, Speed2 has a stupid boat. SPEED set the bar for edge of your seat live action, Speed2 set the bar for worst sequels ever. SPEED won Oscars, Speed2 won Razzies.

There are a few changes that would make Speed2 an awesome movie. The first is to replace Jason Patric's character with Keanu Reeves. Next you replace the boat with a bus. You then move the location from the Carribean to Los Angeles. Next you have to change the bad guy from William DaFoe to Dennis Hopper. You have to give Keanu a partner to shoot in Jeff Daniels. And finally, you have to make the intent of the villain to blow up the bus if it drops below 50mph unless he gets $3 million dollars. Only then would Speed2 be a good movie.

Speed (1994)

GREATEST MOVIE EVER!

[10/10 · 30 December 2003]

SHOOT THE HOSTAGE! This movie is by far one of the top ten films about an exploding bus. This is also in the top ten films about an exploding elevator. On the same token it is in the top ten films of taking it out of the equation. What does that all ad up to?? It means that SPEED is undeniably the GREATEST MOVIE EVER!! The film is almost ten years old and still has not been rivaled in the least.

Excitement, action, comedy, drama, buses, explosions, loud sounds, flawless writing, beautiful cinematography, unexpected plot twists, suspense thriller, thought provoking, witty dialogue, Sandra Bullock, and Keanu Reeves are but a handful of reasons that this movie is the GREATEST MOVIE EVER.

What else could you want? Speed has it all!

This movie made Keanu Reeves as an actor. Before SPEED he was only known as the goofball Ted "Theodore" Logan from Bill and Ted's excellent Adventure. Since his role in SPEED he has become known as The Bus Guy, and will forever be known as that. Think about it, if Keanu hadn't starred in SPEED, he probably wouldn't have been cast in the popular Matrix Trilogy. Just imagine if Bruce Willis had accepted the role for Jack Traven in SPEED, and then gone on to do the Matrix. Neither movie would be the same. Without SPEED, Keanu Reeves would be sitting in a homeless shelter begging for scraps of lard. But because of SPEED, Keanu is one of the top 2 actors in the world.

Sandra Bullock was an unknown actress before SPEED. But the Magic of SPEED made her a star. She has had lead roles in many top films since the making of SPEED. Currently she is one of the top 3 actresses in the world. All thanks to SPEED.

Jeff Daniels had a limited but crucial role in the movie. Had he not done SPEED, he would be forever known as Harry from the hilarious comedy Dumb and Dumber. But because of SPEED he will always be known as Officer Harry.

SPEED IS THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!

POP QUIZ HOT SHOT!

Speed (1994)

Greatest Movie Ever

[10/10 · 1 November 2003]

Pop Quiz Hot Shot:

Combine the greatest Action, Comedy, Drama, Suspense, Mystery, Science Fiction, and Exploding Buses into one movie, What do you get? What do you get?

You get the masterpiece of a film known as Speed. This movie is in a class of it's own. Edge of your seat action, laugh in the pants comedy, cry your eyes out tragedy, and Exploding Buses make this THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME! There is no equal.

To show that no movie equals the greatness of Speed, compare it to Speed 2. Speed 2 was a terrible movie, and it made Speed all that much better, number one, in fact. BUT, if you added Keanu Reeves into Speed 2, and then also added an Exploding Bus that drove around the cruise ship, then it would go out of the terrible category and rival Speed as the GREATEST MOVIE EVER.

There will be no movie that equals Speed in Quality ever. Speed is one of a kind, the best of its kind, the only kind. If you have to watch one movie ever for the rest of your lifetime, it should be Speed.

SPEED is the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME, it has no equal.

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)

Edward Scissorhands

[20 August 2003]

This movie was just a ripoff of Edward Scissorhands sans Johnny Depp. It was the story of a naive robot that had never been out in the world, then suddenly cast off into it all, and desperetely yearning to be real. The movie wants to be like pinnocchio, as stated many times throughout, but it is much more like Edward Scissorhands - a much more visually stunning picture.

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Great film, but not at the top

[10/10 · 12 February 2003]

Some people love Pulp Fiction, and some people loathe it. I feel that it is a well made movie that truly deserved an Oscar for best writing. However, I don't feel that this movie is the blockbuster event to end all movies, and that Tarantino is a movie god for making it. No. It is funny, it is satirical, the actors make very good performances, but frankly, it is just a movie. Now I do believe it belongs in IMDB's top 250, probably even the top 50, it's good, but no masterpiece. Although if it weren't for people like Samuel L. Jackson or Christopher Walken acting in this movie, it probably would have been regarded as some wannabe "new age" style of movie. However because Jackson delivered such a strong performance, and Walken's Cameo was so seriously hilarious, this movie does get to be in a genre of its own.

Under Siege (1992)

GREATEST MOVIE EVER!

[12 February 2003]

I couldn't contain myself. This movie is the absolute best I have ever seen. The acting was so realistic, the plot was flawless, and the action kept you on the seat of your ass the entire time. Steven Seagal showed in this movie that he is very much more capable than only delivering flat one-liners, and the Academy should have considered him when the 1992 nominations for best actor came out. His fighting was so realistic and flawless, you could actually feel that he was breaking your own arm on screen. Sure Gary Busey and Tommy Lee Jones played bad guy roles pretty well, and each deserved a best supporting actor nomination, but their performances were nowhere near the quality of Seagal's. Of Busey's performances, I think it reaches far above the role he had in Point Break, but his best role remains as The Rocket in Rookie of the Year. As for Jones, this was his best acting performance ever, with Rules of Engagement a distant second, and Fugitive in a close third. The action in this movie was nothing short of amazing. When watching this movie, you actually do blow up and die when you watch how realistic the explosion scenes are. Too bad nobody ever lives to see the end of the movie because the knife fight at the end will actually slit your own throat.

To sum this movie up in one word: MASTERPIECE

Con Air (1997)

Greatest Movie Ever

[10/10 · 28 October 2002]

This movie ranks number one on my top 9 movies list. What could be better than this movie? Nothing. It had an all star cast, and had the most original plot of any movie. No other movie has had a group of convicts hijacking an airplane before (Ignore the movie US Marshalls and a few other exceptions). But honestly, this was the greatest acting performance by Nicolas Cage ever. It is a shame he didn't win an academy award for best actor. And how about that John Malkovich. He played a psycho criminal so well, that if you saw him in real life, you would crap your pants on the spot. Dave Chapelle was wonderful too, playing an all too fitting role of a crackhead, just added to the realism. Then there was Colm Meaney. Everyone knows him from being that guy in Under Siege, and his new upcoming role playing apart from Seagal again in the yet to be released Half Passed Dead (I know good movies, and let me tell you, HPD will be number 6 on my top 9 list, and I haven't even seen it yet). Nobody can forget John Cusack being the anal retentive "nature boy" policeman. Ving Rames played a convincing criminal as well. But the greatest character in this movie was Steve Buscemi. Little do you know, but Buscemi was not acting in this movie, he actually is like that in real life.

But enough of the cast, back to the plot. What an amazing scenario, to have the criminals overtake an airplane and try to free themselves with Nick Cage (who is in the Italian-American Hall of Fame mind you) stuck in the middle of all of it. You must watch this movie to see what predicaments the criminals get themselves into, and how Nick Cage, aided by Cusack and Meaney on the ground, tries to thwart their plans. I feel this movie should have won multiple academy awards for best writing. The dialogue between characters, especially Malkovich, was nothing short of phenominal. So while I sit here and write my second comment for this movie, YOU need to go watch it. I guarantee your life will be complete upon seeing this movie.

A Masterpiece. Belongs in the Walt Disney hall of fame. 45,000 stars out of a possible 10.

Speed (1994)

Greatest Movie Ever

[10/10 · 14 October 2002]

This time I mean it. Speed has it all. A suspenseful plot, witty dialogue, beautiful camera work, an awesome score, AND A BUS THAT EXPLODES!!!!! What more do you need in an action film. I know what you're thinking, it needs more scenes with the bus. They should have had a decoy bus to lead the bomber off while the real bus could escape. They should have had at least 50 buses that all had bombs on them that Keanu had to try to disarm. They also should have had a super fast tow bus that could tow the other bus at 50 MPH forever. This movie needed much more content with the bus. But one good part is the shot of the subway breaking out onto the street is actually a BUS! Maybe it would have been better if the elevator scene was not actually an elevator, rather a bus suspended by a cable in an elevator shaft. It also would have been better if Keanu drove a bus instead of a Jeep.

Speed is still the best movie ever even though there isn't enough bus content. Maybe Speed 3 will have more bus...

The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

Movie that changed my life (although I was only 3 when I saw it) *SPOILERS (not that anyone reading this doesn't already know what they are)*

[9/10 · 13 August 2002]

About a year-and-a-half ago, I was at supercuts getting my hair cut. The guy cutting my hair (also a child of the 80s) was telling me about how he and his wife were going to have a baby, so he went out and bought a bunch of Transformers tapes so his kid would get to watch and love the same cartoons he did, only to be somewhat disappointed because he found out they were having a girl. Until that day, the thoughts and memories of the Transformers hadn't crossed my mind for over 10 years. Thinking of the Transformers brought my whole childhood back into perspective. I couldn't really remember much, except for that my hero, the one who represented everything that was good in my childhood DIED in the movie. Thats all I could think of for a good 2 weeks until my friends and I saw some guy wearing a Decepticon logo T-shirt. We got to talking, and every one of my friends had watched and loved the series. So we decided to see the movie after finding out it was on DVD.

Enough background info, time to talk about the movie itself. There were some good parts, some bad parts, and some parts I still can't understand. One scene in particular, the verdict scene with the sharkticons, I couldn't understand when I was little, and I still have no f'ing clue whats going on with that scene now. One truly bad part was the weird Al dance scene. When my friends and I all saw that we just groaned. But it is outweighed by the good parts. Like I already mentioned before, the one part that left a lasting impression on me was the scene that probably emotionally scarred me for life when I first saw it at the age of 3, the death of Optimus Prime. I think this is the only movie that I ever cried watching, even though I was only 3 at the time, his death was that traumatic. (I must admit that when my friends and I all watched the movie again, I had to hide back a tear during that scene).

But that was the one thing that made this a great movie (which is the one point I want to make even though it took me 5 pages to get here) is the fact that Prime's death can have such an impact. Just think about it, (I'm sure I'm not the only guy that shed a tear when he died, be honest) but this movie makes you have REAL feelings for when a PIECE OF METAL "dies." To me, that's amazing how when a big red truck dies, caused such an emotional surge.

Those are my thoughts, and if you disagree, then you probably never watched the show when you were little.

P. S. for you Transformer buffs out there, I was born in 1984 which means I probably never saw the first run of the series, therefore I saw it in syndication where they only showed the first two seasons. That means the movie was truly an ending to the Transformers for me, which probably helped to give the lasting impact of primes death throughout my childhood.

Oh, and one more thing for you Transformer buffs. Everyone says comments on how beautifully animated it was, and how it is the bes American animation ever. But it's not. It is Japanese. The story is American, but TOEI animation, a Japanese company did the animation.

xXx (2002)

XXX, A MUST SEE!!!!!

[10/10 · 12 August 2002]

If you mix the X-games with James Bond you WILL come up with this movie. OK, let me begin by saying that if you have any faith in the ability of Hollywood and Rob Cohen to generate a quality product, go see XXX. Triple X Starring Vin Diesel and Samuel L. Jackson is the enchanting tale of X-TREME sports star Xander Cage, the ultimate bad boy complete with menacing scar, witty catch phrases, and KUNG FU GRIP! By a strange twist of fate, Xander ends up being drugged and enlisted in the services of Samuel L. Jackson, to be James Bond. In this realistic setting, being James Bond means being Vin Diesel. The last time I checked, James Bond jumped a dirtbike over an exploding fence while tending to his equally explosive libido with another bond girl. Some people may tell you not to see this movie because the stunts are next to impossible, and completely outrageous. I ask what better reason to go see an action movie?

James Bond = boring, XXX = XTREME!

The Peacekeeper (1997)

Wonderful Flick

[10/10 · 5 August 2002]

This is by far Dolph's best acting performance in a movie EVER. Most people know him from playing He-Man in Masters of the Universe, but that movie is complete crap compared to Dolph's deep and emotional acting performance in this movie. If you see any Dolph movie, make it this one because it is over 500 times better than all the rest of his combined. Don't believe me, see for yourself.

The Wrecking Crew (2000)

One of the ten greatest films ever...

[1/10 · 26 April 2002]

This movie ranks above any other movie ever made in history. It is a shame that it did not win an Oscar for best film. What was the academy thinking. I mean, with the monotone dialogue delivered by the actors actually made you feel like you were in the same intense situations with lots of guns and death, and saying great lines like "word" or fo sho." Not only was the acting great, but the cameras they used were hand held camcorders to add quality and make the movie more realistic. The set direction was beautiful too, with the random lighting every time the camera changed angles, it actually made you feel like you were in an empty warehouse with disco lights. And the movie score was excellent too. It contained great rap music that droned out and was exactly the same throughout the movie, which, again also led to realism because you know how there is always repetitive rap music playing whenever you pull out a gun. And, to top it off, the thing that makes the movie stand out above all others, is the 25 minute long opening credits that showed random clips that had nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Its like the directors were thinking, we need to have a random opening credit scene that would make the movie good because it would have nothing to do with the rest of the movie.

A true work of art.

Orgazmo (1997)

Greatest Movie Ever

[10/10 · 1 December 2001]

Orgazmo should rank among the top ten movies in anyones mind. It is absolutely hilarious 100 percent of the time. From the mormon jokes to sancho, this movie has it all. There are people that say this movie is not funny and stupid, but they are weak minded and cannot respect Trey Parker's brilliant humor.

The cast includes Trey parker along with many porn stars, from Chasey Lain to everyone's favorite, Ron Jeremy. Also Lloyd Kaufman from Troma video makes a special guest appearance. That alone lets you know it will be hilarious.

If you are not mormon, go see this movie. You will laugh out loud. This movie is a cult classic. you will watch it over and over again. I have the movie on DVD myself. It is the greatest movie ever.