South Park (TV Series)

Christian Rock Hard (2003)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Randy Marsh, F.B.I. Agent #1, Sergeant Yates, News Reporter, T-Shirt Salesman, Chris Fest Host, Trinity Lead Singer, Sanctified Drummer, Show Organiser, Lars Ulrich, James Hetfield, Michael Collins, Faith +1 Commercial, Postman, Britney Spears

Quotes 

• Stan Marsh : You don't even know anything about Christianity!

  Eric Cartman : I know enough to exploit it.

• Eric Cartman : [singing]  I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus. I want to feel his salvation all over my face.

• Token Williams : This Christian album better make as much money as you said it would, tubby!

  Eric Cartman : [to himself]  I'm going to kill you one day, Token.

  Token Williams : What did you say?

  Eric Cartman : Nothing.

• Butters Stotch : [to an old lady buying their album]  We're not really Christian. We're just pretending we are.

  Cartman : [the old lady walks away]  Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.

• Randy Marsh : [Opens the door to the garage]  Stan, are you okay?

  Stan Marsh : Yeah, dad, we're just rehearsing our band.

  Randy Marsh : Ooh! I thought a group of Vietnamese people were having their intestines pulled out through their mouths.

• Token : [to Cartman]  Good job, dickhead! We lost the entire audience!

  Cartman : Ah, fuck you Token, you black asshole!

  [Token kicks the crap out of Cartman and leaves him coughing on all fours] 

  Stan : Hmm, guess he got what he deserved.

  Butters : [Standing around Cartman, then after a while he farts on Cartman and gives him the finger]  Fuck you, Eric.

• Sanctified Band Member #1 : [a band walks by]  Is this the way to the stage?

  Eric Cartman : Who are you?

  Sanctified Band Member #1 : We're the band Sanctified. We play metal and punk, but with lyrics that inspire faith in Christ.

  Sanctified Band Member #2 : We proved that Christian music can be tough and hardcore.

  Eric Cartman : [sarcastically]  Yeah, you guys are real hardcore.

  Sanctified Band Member #1 : You bet your gosh-darn rear end we are!

• Eric Cartman : Alright, Token, give me a smooth bass line.

  Token Williams : I don't know how to play bass.

  Eric Cartman : Token, how many times do we have to go through this. You're black. You can play bass.

  Token Williams : I'm getting sick of your stereotypes.

  Eric Cartman : Be as sick as you want. Just gimme a goddamn bass line.

• Cartman : [singing in Christian Rock Band]  Don't ever leave me Jesus, I couldn't stand to see you go/My heart would simply snap my wound if you walk on out that door/I promise I'll be good to you, keep you warm at night./Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just shut off the lights.

• Eric Cartman : [when Cartman learns he's lost the bet]  God damn it!

  Michael Collins : Oh, please don't take the Lord's name in vain.

  Eric Cartman : Who cares? I lost the bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums.

  Michael Collins : But you spread the word of the lord. You brought faith in Jesus.

  Eric Cartman : Oh, fuck Jesus!

  Butters Stotch : [afraid the crowd gasps]  Eric, I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't say the F-word about Jesus.

  Token Williams : Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.

  Eric Cartman : Who fucking cares, Token? I can never beat Kyle now. I'll say it again. Fuck Jesus!

• Kyle Broflovski : Christian rock?

  Eric Cartman : Think about it. It's the easiest crappiest music in the world, right? If we just play songs about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap.

• Eric Cartman : Token, get the bass guitar out of your basement and meet me over at my house.

  Token Williams : We don't have a bass guitar.

  Eric Cartman : Your family's black. There's bound to be a bass guitar on your basement somewhere.

• Michael Collins : Boys, in recognition of over one million records sold, the Christian recording industry is pleased to present you with this myrrh album.

  Eric Cartman : Thank you... Myrrh album?

  Stan Marsh : I thought albums went either gold or platinum.

  Michael Collins : No, no, in Christian rock, our albums go gold and frankincense and myrrh. Congratulations.

  Kyle Broflovski : Ha! Our bet was that you would get a platinum album, not a myrrh album. I don't owe you anything, fat boy.

  Eric Cartman : Do you mean to tell me I can never get a platinum album with a Christian rock band?

  Michael Collins : No, but you can go double myrrh.

  Eric Cartman : God damn it!