Can't Smeg Won't Smeg (1998 TV Movie)

Ainsley Harriott: Self

Quotes 

• [Kochanski is reluctantly preparing to taste the food] 

  Ainsley Harriott : Want the blindfold on?

  Kochanski : I think I'd rather eat the blindfold.

• Ainsley Harriott : [rushing to a burning pan]  The bloody rice is burning!

  Lister : Well that's not very professional, is it?

  Ainsley Harriott : [angry]  SHUT UP!

  Lister : Keith Floyd was only fifty quid more, y'know!

• Ainsley Harriott : Just looks absolutely yummy... What am I doing with this pot? This is nothing like mine.

  [to Rimmer and Duane] 

  Ainsley Harriott : [shouts]  You nicked my pot!

• Kryten : This is Mr. Harriot, sir.

  Lister : I bet you got ribbed about that at school?

  Ainsley Harriott : Ribbed about what?

  Lister : You know having the initials AH. It's funny isn't it, AH?

  Ainsley Harriott : What are you going on about?

  Kryten : I think what Mr. Lister is getting at is that the initals AH are internationally known as the abbreviation for "Asshole". Ass Hole, AH, Asshole.

• Ainsley Harriott : Well, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the fifth member of the crew, who has kindly volunteered to be our taste tester...

  Kryten : Well, actually sir, she didn't so much volunteer, more like lose the Ippy-Dippy.

  Ainsley Harriott : Welcome, Miss Kristine Kochanski!

• Ainsley Harriott : Our next contestant can't cook, but not because he's incapable; it's because he is a total smeghead. Welcome, Arnold Judas Rimmer.

  Rimmer : Ah, Mr. Harriott. May I start by saying what a great pleasure it is to have me here.

• Ainsley Harriott : I want you to show me all those wonderful ingredients you've brought. We're going to make a superb recipe. Okay, boys, let's see what you've brought so we can cook some culinary delight.

  Rimmer : Well, we searched the galley cupboards and this is what we've found... one dead space weevil.

  Lister : We got some wine made from urine recyc.

  Rimmer : Ah! The '52, an excellent year, very smooth. No aftertaste or hair loss.

  Lister : But I don't suppose that'd bother you, would it?

  [Lister removes Ainsley's hat to reveal he is bald] 

  Kryten : Also we have a Mimian bladder fish, sir.

  Duane Dibbley : I've got some rice pudding in the bowl I used when I get my hair cut!

  Lister : We've got an insole...

  Kryten : Er... a Pot Noodle.

  Lister : Caroline Carmen's ear.

  Ainsley Harriott : That is totally unhygienic!

  Lister : No, no, it's been kept in the fridge!

  Ainsley Harriott : [Ainsley loses his temper]  Now listen you guys! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not going to be cooking with any piss wine, no armadillo whatever-it-is, Mimian trout and yeah, your rice pudding too! Get that in there! Enough, right? You'll be cooking what I say you'll be cooking!