Top Line (1988) User Reviews

Decent premise, poorly executed

[Red-Barracuda · 4/10 · 15 November 2013]

A washed-up writer ventures into the Colombian jungle in search of gold. He gets much more than he bargained for, however, when he discovers a 15th century Spanish galleon located inside an alien spaceship, which in turn is inside a mountain! His discovery isn't universally popular, though, and it leads him to be pursued by Neo-Nazis and other shady characters out to kill him.

The above synopsis really makes Top Line sound considerably better than it actually is. The ideas are much greater than the execution. It's a silly story but that often results in entertainment on the screen. At best, this one only achieves this fairly sporadically. With scenes involving the galleon, the cyborg and the alien being the best. For the most part it's a mediocre thriller though. The main fault most probably has to be levelled at the direction which is lacking in any proper focus. It does have some half-way decent make-up effects during the cyborg and alien scenes but maybe it could have done with more. It stars the reliable pairing of Franco Nero as the writer and George Kennedy as a Nazi leader; the latter is dubbed with a strange accent.

TOP LINE (Nello Rossati, 1988) **

[Bunuel1976 · 4/10 · 28 April 2006]

This film's American title, ALIEN TERMINATOR, suggests that it would be set in outer space - but it's actually a jungle adventure for the best part of the duration! It's silly, cheesy and cheap (particularly the robot effects and the repellent make-up of the alien creature at the end) but oddly watchable.

The cast, however, looks fairly uncomfortable: Franco Nero is amusing as a writer on the skids; William Berger's role is limited to the beginning and is quite brief; George Kennedy is hilariously out-of-place as an antiquarian with a silly German accent and an even sillier laugh - his death is therefore appropriately reminiscent of Dreyer's VAMPYR (1932)!; the three women with whom Nero is involved - among them Deborah Barrymore, not a member of the celebrated American family of that name but actually British, and the daughter of Roger Moore!! - are attractive but add very little to the proceedings (except for the twist ending involving Mary Stavin).

A hilarious scene involves an unstoppable cyborg (in the vein of Arnold Schwarzenegger), belatedly introduced into the story, which gets into a scrape with a bull and is torn in half into the bargain! Also, the worldwide conspiracy theory brought up in the script - that aliens are already living among us and occupy important civil positions - is not only far-fetched but ludicrous! The film does have an eclectic electronic score (a feature of many a low-budget title from the 80s) which alternates between lounge music and disco-oriented vibes, not that this helps matters much...

Strictly so-so flick

[Woodyanders · 5/10 · 26 April 2012]

Alcoholic struggling writer Ted Angelo (an amusing performance by the always dependable Franco Nero) discovers a UFO hidden in a cave in the Columbian jungle. Ted tries to spread the word about his discovery, but the CIA, KGB, the mob, Neo-Nazis, and even aliens do their best to suppress the news. Sound good? Well, this movie doesn't amount to much despite the loopy script by Nellow Rossati and Roberto Gianviti. Rossati's pedestrian direction not only generates precious little tension, momentum, and excitement, but also allows the erratic pace to lag throughout (the opening third in particular is pretty talky and drawn-out). Moreover, the action scenes tend to be rather tepid and the plot becomes more increasingly ludicrous as it unfolds, although there's still a nifty surprise twist pertaining to one of the main female characters at the conclusion. The cast do their best with the muddled material: Deborah Moore registers nicely as Angelo's feisty English gal pal June, Mary Stavin likewise does well as icy bitch Maureen De Havilland, Andy Sidaris movie regular Rodrigo Obregon has a cool part as vicious flunky June, William Berger is likable in a regrettably minor role as Angelo's kindly friend Alonso Kintero, and a hilariously miscast George Kennedy provides a few substantial unintentional laughs as pernicious German (!) heavy Heinrich Holzmann. The exotic locations add some much-needed flavor and a decent smattering of tasty female nudity prevents things from becoming too tedious. However, the jumbled narrative makes it often hard to tell what's going on -- and even harder to care. Overall not a bad movie; just a really blah and hence instantly forgettable one.

UFO Lore

[alquopher · 2/10 · 6 March 2012]

The storyline is akin to hanging out with a drunk in Mexico. While you might want to respect the lore, to favor the new friend, in the end you know the story is full of crap, and holes. This is the experience of the movie: you hang around in the hope there is an ultimate payoff. The journey is not fun, as it is not stupid enough to be fun. It is more like watching Rockford Files on the cheap. If you want to hear the lizard-people's manifesto, zip to the end. Strange to me how the "advanced" races from space sweat slime and want to eat humans. Just can't see how they make advanced tech with clumsy talons, and appetites for sentient flesh.

Some good ideas - rotten execution

[I_Ailurophile · 3/10 · 8 November 2021]

It's difficult to sit here and praise a fair pace, suitable plot development, and timely insertion of action scenes when the movie is so dubious otherwise. I'm not sure if it's just the poor fidelity in the specific treatment of 'Top line' I watched, or if every element was truly just so uncarefully considered, but by one means or another so much of the feature feels very inauthentic, and plainly staged. Even scenes of the greatest excitement seem like they're painted over with a muted tone that means nothing is depicted with any impact.

Direction is questionable. Editing and sequencing is dubious. Delivery of dialogue is forced, and some lines as written are suspect. Even the most outlandish plot can be rendered into a compelling story, but the narrative writing in 'Top line' is direly specious - weak, and unconvincing - and the scene writing isn't much better. The score feels incomplete - like the compositions as we hear them were demos that were left unfinished. Dampened as the performances are by the film's construction, only Deborah Moore manages to stand out with a display of acting that's at all noteworthy - though she doesn't escape unscathed from this mess, either.

The special effects are alright, I suppose, for 1988. But if that's the greatest praise to offer for a film, something is very wrong.

I'll be honest, I want to like this more than I do. Far-fetched as the screenplay is, there are some good ideas here. I especially like the climax, and the concept of the ending - I think these tie together the rest of the narrative pretty well, though of course they don't ameliorate the utmost difficulties we've endured to reach that finale. If even just the writing were approached with greater care, the movie would have been elevated considerably. But as it is, the picture at large reflects a glaring lack of attentiveness, diligence, or thoughtfulness, and the result is the near total negation of any positive attributes. It's all too easy for one's focus to wander away from a feature this dull, and I can't imagine recommending it to anyone. I suppose there are still many worse titles one could subject themselves to, and it's entertaining in the way that any visual media is a diversion - but by no means should you seek this out. 'Top line' is a movie for a very rare, rainy day, and that's about it.

Back when Italian productions were running on fumes

[vonnoosh · 14 September 2021]

By the late 80s, Italian movie production companies realized they couldn't afford to make even low budget movies without help. The help came from countries willing to offer financial breaks other countries couldnt or wouldnt make. So here is a movie made in Columbia much like the genuine sequel to the original 1966 film Django.

I enjoy this movie more than most late 80s action movies. Franco Nero plays a little unbelievably high functioning alcoholic writer. I suppose he wasn't as much of an alcoholic because he would've dropped dead as early as the cactus chase.

The story is about an unemployed writer who inadvertently stumbles on an alien spacecraft that crashed into a mountain and had been hidden for thousands of years. His discovery leads to his being pursued but it's not clear until the end by who. Russians?, Americans?, aliens? All of the above?

Movie has an alternate title, Alien Terminator and there is a humanoid robot that tries to kill him toward the end but its not enough for a title. I have no clue why this is called Top Line.

Italian action movies do borrow A LOT from other better known movies. The better of these Italian movies blend what they borrow and layer the movie with the influences. This move has a little Alien, Terminator, Indiana Jones, and They Live all mixed in.

George Kennedy drops in for a couple scenes. I imagine he worked for an all expense paid vacation in Central America(why not?). Unlike Franco Nero and William Berger, someone else dubs his lines which further leads me to believe this was a vacation movie. Dubbing is done later in a studio, not convenient.

Anyway, it's not cinematic gold but better than alot of the Italian productions before their studios began going under. They did fall apart not long after the direct to video market exploded and North American movies as cheaply made as this were produced and flooded the market.

Raiders of the Lost Spaghetti bid you "Hasta la Vista" in the Temple of Doomed Pizzas!

[Coventry · 3/10 · 25 August 2021]

Everybody with even the slightest interest in cult/exploitation cinema knows that the Italians were true masters of imitation. During the 70s, and especially during the 80s, they joyfully copied premises and ideas of popular Hollywood blockbusters and released them as blatant and shameless rip-offs, although usually with more action, more absurd plot twists, more extravagant characters and much more sleaze. Literally every Hollywood classic that scored big at the box office received several Italian imitations. This "Top Line" presumably holds the world record of stealing ideas from the largest number of US-blockbusters in one and the same script, as it contains story elements of "Raiders of the Lost Ark", "Cocoon", "Romancing the Stone", "The Terminator", "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom", "E. T.", and probably even a few others I'm overlooking. I just wished it was as much fun as it sounds, though...

Franco Nero is one of the biggest and most talented actors to root from Italy, for sure, but the late 80s definitely weren't the best years of his career. Here, he stars as a lowlife author residing in Columbia; - supposedly hunting for ancient treasures but mainly settling for spare chance and free booze leftovers. He, Angelo, does eventually stumble upon a massive discovery, namely a UFO hidden inside an old Spanish galleon (yes, really!). From then onwards, Angelo finds himself pursued by CIA agents, Russian KGB spies, Nazi antique dealers, a cyborg mercenary, and slimy green aliens disguised in the sexy skin of his ex-wife. I honestly don't know how all this ended up in one plot, but I reckon director Nello Rosati and whoever wrote the scripts were experimenting with a lot of drugs at the time.

The problem with "Top Line" is that it looks and sounds like a fun flick, but in reality, it's a downright boring and irritating mess. Like a few other reviewers already righteously stated, the uninteresting parts of the film are incredibly stretched out. The first 15-20 minutes, for instance, contain absolutely nothing of interest, and only feature images of Nero passed out with his head on bar tables and a lot of inaudible dialogs. If you manage to struggle through the first act, what follows next is a thoroughly confusing and incoherent middle-section with some utterly senseless action footage. Suddenly, for example, Nero's character is in the back of pickup truck - amidst boxes full of chickens - and behind the wheel is a drunken Colombian couple that races down a cliff whilst hysterically laughing. They even continue laughing and drinking whilst their truck is being rammed and shot at by one of Angelo's pursuers. What the...? The final act of "Top Line" is amusing, what with the cyborg assassin and the transforming alien, but it's simultaneously the most illogical bunch of nonsense I ever witnessed.

Let's see, is there something else worth mentioning? Oh yeah, the almighty George Kennedy has a small supportive role as a sadist Nazi who enjoys chasing Nero with his car - at a snail's pace - through a field of cactuses. His distinct voice is dubbed, however, which is truly a cinematic crime.

TOP LINE

[BandSAboutMovies · 6/10 · 13 May 2023]

Man, was Nello Rossati dating Franco Nero's daughter or something? Not only did he get him into this movie, but a year later he would be the person -- well, his pseudonym Ted Archer did, but you get the point -- to finally get him to come back to his most famous role in Django Strikes Again. He also made the giallo La gatta in calore (assistant directed by Lamberto Bava and shot by Aristide Massaccesi!), a Napoleon-sploitation film called Bona parte di Paolina, a sex comedy called The Sensuous Nurse with Ursula Andress and Jack Palance, the poliziotteschi Don't Touch the Children!, another sex comedy called Io zombo, tu zombi, lei zomba about four zombies running a hotel, a giallo-esque film named Le mani di una donna sola in which a lesbian countess seduces married women until insane asylum escapees chop her hands off, and an I Spit On Your Grave revengeomatic called Fuga scabrosamente pericolosa that stars Andy Sidaris villain Rodrigo Obregón.

Needless to say, I'm a fan.

Ted Angelo (Nero) starts the movie off literally telling a woman that he's too tired to make love. Is this the great hero of Italian cinema? He seems exhausted throughout but it works; he's a writer fallen on hard times and harder drinking. He's supposed to be writing a book on pre-Columbian civilizations, but he's falling deeper and deeper into depression and drunken days to the point that he's fired by his publisher -- and ex-wife -- Maureen De Havilland (Miss World 1977 Mary Stävin, who by this point had already appeared in Adam Ant's "Strip" video, Octopussy and A View to a Kill, as well as releasing the exercise album Shape Up and Dance with footballer George Best).

It seems like Ted's luck is changing when he's shown a ton of writings that came from a shipwreck of Spanish conquistadores. Except that the ship isn't on the bottom of the ocean. It's in a cave. And maybe that luck's bad, because everyone connected with the ship, like art dealer Alonso Quintero (Willian Berger) is dying under mysterious circumstances. And oh yeah. That shipwreck in a cave is also inside a UFO.

The only real good luck that Ted gets is when an art historian and friend of Quintero named June (Deborah Barrymore, who is not related to Drew, but is instead of the daughter of Roger Moore and Italian actress Luisa Mattioli) helps him out.

What follows is a delirious descent into madness to the point that if you told me this was all a drug trip, I'd believe you. First, Ted is almost run over by former Nazi Heinrich Holzmann (George Kennedy, who is only in the movie for this one scene), then the camera crew he hires ends up being CIA spooks who want to murder him, then the KGB gets involved and then things get really weird.

Ted gets the idea that Maureen has the kind of connections that can save him and June. As they wait for her, a cyborg Rodrigo Obregón attacks them and only stops when he's hit by a bull. He gets torn apart and sounds like he's trying to say the words to "Humpty Dumpty" and man, I literally jumped out of my chair in the middle of the night I was so excited. He looks like Johnny Craig drew him!

Somehow, the movie then decides to top itself as another Rodrigo Obregón cyborg that looks exactly the same shows up with Maureen, who removes her skin to show us that she's one of the aliens that have been on Earth for twelve thousand years and now are in control of most countries and multinational corporations.

At this point, is there any hope for any of us?

Yes, this is a movie where a gorgeous Swedish woman takes off all of her epidermis -- of course we see her breasts, this is an Italian movie -- to reveal that she's a lizard alien that fulfills the worries of David Icke, then she vomits slime all over herself and tries to kill Franco Nero with her giant tongue.

If you told me this was an actual alien, I would believe you.

The first few times I've tried to watch this, I couldn't get into it. It was too slow and felt too downbeat with Nero's character feeling hopeless. So don't be like me. I beg you, stick with this for an hour. Just an hour, because it's not bad. I mean, yes, Franco Nero survives a car chase by throwing eggs, but it's just slow, not badly made.

But the last thirty minutes make it all worth it.

When you get there, you'll know exactly what I mean.

This is a movie all about the foreplay and then when it's time to get to the actual sex, it's the weirdest and best Penthouse Forum sex you've ever had and you feel like there's no way that it happened and no one will ever believe you.

Also: Franco Nero screams almost every line and I respect that.

Also also: This is like a budget They Live by people who never saw that movie.

At least a fridge doesn't get nuked.

[BA_Harrison · 4/10 · 30 May 2013]

Maybe I sound a little crazy here, but I actually think that bottom-of-the-barrel Italian schlock-fest Top Line bears quite a few similarities to major studio, big-budget blockbuster Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: like Spielberg's film it is a jungle adventure that veers clumsily into sci-fi territory, the shoe-horning in of some silly space nonsense resulting in a series of truly dumb sequences that beggar belief (although, as daft as things get, there's still nothing quite as moronic as Crystal Skull's 'nuke the fridge' scene).

Franco Nero plays Angelo, a washed-up writer living in Cartagena, Colombia (shades of Romancing the Stone), whose search for conquistador gold leads him to a mountain cave where he uncovers a 500 year-old Spanish galleon—inside a frickin' U.F.O. of all places!!!. This bizarre discovery brings him to the attention of various organisations who want to silence him before he can tell his story: an antiquities dealer (George Kennedy) tries to run him down in a cactus patch; he's the hapless passenger in the back of a chicken truck driven along a perilous mountain road by drunken Colombian farmers; a killer cyborg with a melted face (Rodrigo Obregón) tries to terminate him; and his ex-wife (Mary Stavin) turns out to be a flesh-eating extra-terrestrial, one of a race of aliens that have integrated themselves into human society with a view to taking over the planet.

With all of this lunacy going on, Top Line could have been a classic of trash cinema, but Nello Rossati's haphazard narrative and flat direction, plus a lot of dull dialogue, means that the film is rarely as much fun as it sounds. Some fairly decent make-up effects (the cyborg and the alien are effective for the budget) and a touch of gratuitous nudity ensure that total boredom never completely sets in, but those tempted by the film's delightfully bonkers moments should be prepared for a large helping of boredom to go with the unintentional hilarity.

Cheese-laden Italian Terminator rip-off is great fun

[Leofwine_draca · 6/10 · 15 November 2016]

This cheap Italian rip-off of THE TERMINATOR is better than most as it has a fairly complex storyline, fun acting and special effects, and more action than you would expect from a film of this type. Although it's very low budget, it's a lot of fun, although hardly anyone seems to have heard of it, and it's not in any of the reference books I have. There are three major chase sequences through the film, the first with Nero running barefoot and getting his feet ripped up (kind of like Bruce Willis in DIE HARD), the second a well-choreographed truck chase with a nice explosion at the end, and the final run from the TERMINATOR-inspired alien villain. All of these moments are exciting and there are a couple of gunfights and punch-ups involved too.

The rest of the film usually has Nero travelling somewhere or talking to somebody, and these are the typical filler moments. I thought it was going to be pretty boring and at the start it was, but don't worry, it soon picks up into a fun cheapo film. The plot involves lots of government organisations and a buried spaceship which is pretty cool, and in the last twenty minutes the aliens make their long-overdue appearance, which is also a blessing. The 'alien terminator' is pretty funny, a guy with curly hair and a red shirt who nonchalantly walks down your local street carrying a machine gun! The makeup effects for when half his face is ripped off (just like in THE TERMINATOR) are, while low budget and crude in the extreme, imaginative, and I love the way his eyeball moved around with a whirring noise.

With some brief topless women and cheap, synthesiser-like music added into the brew, this keeps the attention fairly well, helped by the performances of Franco Nero as the cool writer hero who spends most of the film running around (he looks a bit like Richard Dreyfuss in JAWS) and showing off his chest hair, like Burt Reynolds. George Kennedy has a small role as a chuckling villain and the rest of the cast are adequate, with the exception of the hilarious actor playing the terminator guy, who lifts his hands in a fighting style when he meets a bull! It's a riot. The only reason I wouldn't like this film was the atrocious sound quality and bad, jumpy, faded washed out picture, but that's hardly the film's fault is it? TOP LINE is a nice little picture which comes across as something of a minor gem. Watch it and see why.

Neglected Candidate for the So-Bad-It's-Good Pantheon

[mrnunleygo · 2/10 · 13 June 2018]

This sadly neglected film from 1988 really deserves more attention from aficionados of so-bad-it's-good movies. It might have been a merely incompetent mash-up of Indiana Jones, Romancing the Stone (mainly realized in a cover image that occurs nowhere in the film)), and The Terminator (no, really).. However, the last half hour is so bad it elevates the film to a higher lower bad movie level. It stars reputable B-list Italian actor Franco Nero and a host of unknowns in a story involves discovery of ancient artifacts in Colombia that indicate extraterrestrial contact. There are a few boobs briefly shown and gore is nearly nonextenet, but it's a good bad movie for the time it was made. I recommend being drunk or high or both before you watch it.

Romancing the Stone meets Cocoon meets Terminator meets...

[matalo · 8/10 · 25 September 2000]

This one´s quite original. Italians did not have enough money to make those big movies we all tend to like or at least watch. So they put cheap funny flics like this one together. There are Nazis, Extraterrestrials, Cyborgs, a Spanish gold treasure and of course there´s Franco Nero as the always drunk Soldier of Fortune, who has to pull it all off. As you can see, they didn´t let anything out. And, I think, it works. The FX are cheap but enjoyable, the pacing is fast (it has to be regarding the really dumb plot) and the acting is quite reliable (of course Franco Nero is great as ever and there´s also Hollywood veteran George Kennedy as a Nazi Villain). Director Nello Rossati did the also very enjoyable sequel Django Strikes Again before. A Movie you might check out, too.

THEY LIVE!

[nogodnomasters · 6/10 · 23 June 2019]

A the risk of revealing too much, this film is an 80's combination of "Terminator", "They Live" and the last Indian Jones minus the Crystal Skull. Ted (Franco Nero) is a divorced writer who drinks too much. He is in Columbia on his ex-wife's dime. While here, he is lead by a guide to an alien space ship in a mountain cave, now everyone wants him dead. . . the government, criminals, cyborg terminators, aliens, and George Kennedy as some neo-nazi.

I loved the idea, but the execution of this Italian film left much to be desired. Acting and dialogue were not strong suits. Special effects were limited.

Parental guide: No f-bombs or sex. Nudity (Shirley Hernandez, Mary Stavin: former Miss World, Adam Ant video, Bond girl,)

Beyond Awful & Boring! UGH!

[Rainey-Dawn · 1/10 · 10 November 2016]

This one is beyond awful and boring!! I watched it in fast-forward!! A bunch of rich white people sailing on boats and in offices for about 20 minutes then one guy gets shot at and runs and runs... he runs out in the middle of nowhere and a car tries to run him over. Next he's being healed by his girlfriend (?) and a phone call from a rich woman in her large bubble bath, then a bunch of people sitting around laughing & eating at a restaurant then some more boring office stuff then the military chasing some people then more office stuff -- then finally the last 30 minutes we see the cheesy alien terminator dude. UGH!!! I didn't like this at all! I was hoping for a few giggles and maybe some laugh out loud fun but within 5 minutes I was hitting the fast-forward button and kept waiting to see something interesting to stop and watch but I didn't. All I saw was one long rich people borefest.

1/10

Serious spoilers

[midge56 · 2/10 · 15 August 2015]

Sadly, this was a good story with a fairly decent cast which was spoiled by a bad director & bad screenwriter. This movie focuses all of its energy on the worst scenes. Starting off with a drunken has-been schlock writer hitting up everyone for money. A boring start to put everyone to sleep.

Then his finding a truly unbelievable unrealistic unremarkable unidentifiable UFO with a human ship inside a jungle mountain cave. If I had not read the plot & comments, I never would have known that was a UFO with a sea vessel. You could not tell either by looking at it. What the heck was the point of putting a 500 year old sea vessel on the UF0? Other than to say it was a ship lost between Panama & Spain 500 years earlier. Surely a better way to establish timeline than that. It just created an unrecognizable conglomeration which the audience could not decipher and was not on the screen long enough to identify... even using freeze frame. The only time you get to see what the UF0 looked like was a pottery model of it at the very end.

3/4 of this movie deteriorates into nonstop, shoot-em-up Matlock chase scenes where every ridiculous global gov't organization hunts them down. One boring chase scenario after another. They never explained how anyone knew he had seen the UFO in order to be waiting to kill him upon his hotel arrival immediately following his discovery. They should have inserted a phone call prior to his arrival to establish a reason he was being pursued.

Again, only the plot description & reviews clarified what was occurring. It certainly wasn't clear in the film. Apparently, this director thought an entire movie of shooting chase scenes could appeal to an audience. But wasted all of his opportunity money scenes.

They dubbed George Kennedy's voice with someone else. Even his laugh. What kind of moron would replace George Kennedy's distinctive, award winning, recognizable voice? That would be as logical as hiding Miss Universe under a paper bag.

The slimy faced cyborg scenes with ooze & dangling eye were ridiculously laughable.

While a lot of filming time went into morphing his wife into an alien, it was poorly done, unrealistic effects in the dark and the voice was so distorted you could barely understand it. Not to mention the alien body did not sell the perception of being believable as human impostors... much less as his own wife. This should have been a money scene & highlight of the film which came across as a wet claymation, poor mans puppeteer fiasco with nearly unintelligible audio.

They also missed the opportunity to see inside the UFO & unnecessarily screwed it up further by needlessly adding an earth sea ship in the same mountain cave as if they had both been manually stuffed inside an unbelievable location... rather than finding a lone UFO in a more rational discovery location.

The premise might have been more believable if more of the film had been spent on the aliens & their agenda with a more believable alien physique & appearance from better spent effects & makeup companies. It was clear the crew was hired by nepotism rather than talent.

The entire movie was poorly directed, poorly executed & poorly scripted. It missed every opportunity to utilize talent & significant plot opportunities and wasted the film on cheap chase scenes, shootings, drunken lothario scenes & ruined potential good scenes with bad makeup, bad effects, bad writing & bad directing.

Not worth watching unless you want to see the story butchered by bad direction & effects.

Fun on the Run with Franco Nero in a Sci-Fi Adventure

[brando647 · 8/10 · 24 May 2016]

Oh man, oh man, oh man. I love it when I stumble across a beautiful gem buried amidst a pile of garbage, and the latest gem is a little Italian science fiction adventure from 1988 called TOP LINE. TOP LINE promises one thing then delivers another, in the best possible way. Take a gander at its poster and it seems to promise a riveting adventure in the vein of an Indiana Jones film, with stars Franco Nero and Deborah Barrymore swinging from a rope (in improbable stances) across a chasm in a deep cave with the busted wreckage of what appears to be a steamship in the background. This imagery is slightly misleading in that a) it's not a steamship they find in the cavern but a 15th century wooden galleon of some sort (if I'm remembering correctly), b) Barrymore's character isn't present when it's discovered, and c) this movie is way, way more than the average adventure film that this poster promises. For starters, the film's alternate title was ALIEN TERMINATOR and, oh my yes, it delivers on this promise. Let's start with some context. Nero plays Ted Angelo, an alcoholic writer who's been living in Colombia on his publisher's dime while trying to put together his next piece of work. Tired of waiting for Angelo to sober up and do his job, his editor/ex-wife Maureen (Mary Stavin) fires him, offering to buy him a plane ticket back home to Italy. By a stroke of luck, Angelo stumbles across an old Aztec dagger in the possession of his…Colombian sexy-time friend? Anyway, he makes plans to sell the dagger and make a nice profit but problems arise when those he contacts about selling it are murdered. Fearing for his life, he traces the dagger back to where it was found and discovers something that puts him at the top of everyone's hit list.

You should be warned: the first twenty minutes or so of this movie are pretty dull. At this point, it's just getting all the exposition out of the way. Angelo is an alcoholic. He's a writer, lives in Colombia. Spends most of his time passed out amid a swarm of empty bottles or cans instead of working. He's divorced and still works for his ex-wife (that takes some guts) and he seems like a bit of a running joke amongst his peers. Then, one day, his…I really don't know…hotel masseuse (?) busts out with an ornate Aztec dagger she borrowed off her boyfriend and Angelo has dollar signs in his eyes. At this point, the movie still has a very low-budget Indiana Jones vibe. Angelo is trying to find a fence for this hot product (it's mentioned that it's a crime to sell artifacts) but people are dropping dead around him. Worried it might've been stolen from the private collection of a powerful antique dealer (George Kennedy), Angelo traces it the dagger back to where it was discovered, an enormous cavern containing the wreckage of an old wooden sailing ship…and more. Now TOP LINE ditches any Indiana Jones adventure pretense and goes full science fiction and Angelo discovers an alien spacecraft hidden within. Now Angelo, the writer, has the story of the century as long as he can find someone that will believe him. This was one of the movie's funniest elements, in my opinion: Angelo desperately pleading like a mad man for someone to believe his tale of an ancient buried alien ship. I'm sure the filmmakers wanted us to feel the tension but it instantly melts away the moment I hear Nero raving about "flying saucers". Now, for the remaining hour or so of the movie's runtime, TOP LINE becomes one long awesome chase and this is where it gets interesting.

The last hour of this 90 minute movie makes it all worthwhile. Angelo is chased by increasingly dangerous opponents. One of my favorite parts of the film has Angelo evading capture by ditching his shoes (to confuse the men tracing his footsteps in the sand) and running barefoot into the desert. This turns out to be the worst possible thing he could've done because the deranged antique dealer then begins a low-speed car chase wherein he trails poor Angelo, forcing him to run barefoot through a long stretch of cacti. He just idles along behind Angelo, laughing insanely and nudging him along with his bumper when he stumbles to his knees in exhaustion. When Angelo tries to bring this UFO to the world's attention through a major New York news outlet, it sends a team immediately to South America to accompany Angelo back to the alien craft. But, surprise! Even the news crew is a secret team of assassins out to silence him. The only person he can trust is a woman named June (Barrymore) whom…and I'm being completely honest…I don't even remember being introduced. I'm sure it happened at some point in the first boring 20 minutes but I had no recollection of who she was or why she was suddenly along for the ride. I don't know who she is, but I'm sure she regrets her unfortunate involvement when they're suddenly faced with the (alternately) titular alien terminator, which doesn't even make an appearance until the last thirty minutes. Poor Angelo has the local police, the secret service, the military, the freakin' KGB, and now an alien death machine intent on silencing him. And it all culminates in a final showdown where Angelo learns the truth behind it all and learns an unlikely secret about his past. TOP LINE is a blast. It's stupid fun, Franco Nero does a great job, and it moves at a brisk pace once the action kicks in around 25 minutes into the film. I very much recommend fans of low-grade cinema seek this gem out.