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DamienWasHere
Reviews
I've Got a Secret (2006)
Where's Kitty Carlisle when you need her?
This tacky reproduction of a great show is annoying. Who are these panelists? What is their claim to fame? Why is the broad such a loudmouth and why are the men so feminine?
I realize that I am mixing shows with my Kitty Carlisle reference in that she was a panelist on To Tell The Truth, but allow me to make another off-kilter reference. I think that Dorothy Kilgallen had a vision of the future and what she saw was this show -- so she popped a few extra Secanols.
Can you imagine Betsy Palmer watching a guy break pencils with his ass? Can you imagine Bill Cullen watching Betsy Palmer watch a guy break pencils with his ass?
Henry Morgan would have walked off and so will I.
Damien
Miss Lettie and Me (2002)
A movie only a plastic surgeon could love.
In the future, any closeup of Burt Reynolds should come with a disclaimer or at least a warning from Vincent Price. This fact is made especially more frightful in this film because Burt's character has no reason to exist in this story. I mean...why frighten children for no reason?
Ugh, what am I doing home on a Monday afternoon watching this horror show on Lifetime TV? Between Mary Tyler Moore and Burt Reynolds, this movie had me in stitches -- too bad most of them were behind Mary and Burt's ears and eyelids.
This movie was made for simpletons and first year plastic surgery residents. I'm sorry but it's just terrible. The story is contrived, the acting is dull and the payoff is predictable. I even sensed a little racism in that the African American characters who figure largely in the script, seem to be wrought from a 1930s movie. I mean, it's nice that they make Charles Robinson and Irma Hall wiser than the white folk but they're still depicted as "help" -- geez!
The only thing nice I can say about this movie is that the lamb is cute.
damien
The Fountainhead (1949)
Boy does Ayn Rand like to hear herself talk. If silent movies could talk, this is how they would have sounded.
One of the biggest mistakes in film history was allowing Ayn Rand to write the screenplay adaptation for her own novel. Boy does she like to hear herself talk or what? There is not one line of dialogue in this film that isn't overly dramatic and patently didactic. Rand does for dialogue what Norma Desmond does for mannerisms, except in the case of Norma Desmond there's an excuse -- she's nuts. Rand as a screenwriter just comes off as an egomaniac and she proves it with every over-stretched word. Even Hamlet would have told her to shut up.
Rand somehow manages to make Gary Cooper and Patricia Neil totally unlikeable in their respective roles. The whole thing is a handbook for art-deco dialogue as a dying language. Okay, Howard won't compromise his art and Dominique is a tortured chick -- we get it already, lady. Massey's newspaper mogul character, on the other hand, is great and he plays with the fecund dialogue like a little boy plays with a puppy. Too bad he's in the wrong movie.
I now have a new nightmare. I'm dead and I run into Ayn Rand at a celestial cocktail party. She corners me in a conversation and, oh my god, she sounds just like this movie.
Damien
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)
Estelle Getty gives a great performance as Yoda and only Ed Wood could have directed it better.
Now that I have your attention, please allow to me to blaspheme this most recent Star Wars as the single worst motion picture ever made. It's bad enough to be just "bad" but this movie and all the hype around it manages to transcend badness -- entering into the realm of pure, subliminal marketing evil.
Let's start with why it's just bad. The acting is beyond atrocious. The story is thread-bare. The supporting cast members (robot, puppets, droids) are silly and bolstered by schticky, unfunny, uninspired and smarmy dialogue. It's almost like Bruce Valanche worked on the script. <--- This is not a compliment. Valanche's humor is tacky, unsophisticated and Catskillian. This movie takes that angle and plays it to the hilt.
The movie is evil because millions of people go to see it as though they were hypnotized. There is nothing about this movie which translates into good. It represents everything that is wrong with American films and the anti-American people who make them. Mind you, I am usually to the left on most issues but you have to see this for what it is -- JUNK! Don't be a sucker.
Teach your children and yourself to have taste and sophistication, neither of which will start with this horrible movie.
Damien
Growing Up Gotti (2004)
There's Something About Victoria
What is it about Victoria Gotti? She's got something doesn't she? I mean, she must have something, because she's become a household name long after all that Mafia and FBI stuff.
I remember her from, years ago, when she blurted out to a local newsman, "My father is the last of the Mohicans." Mind you, she said this as she was getting into her Cadillac and it was classic.
I knew then and there that she was not going to wind up making marinara sauce for the guys. She was an American original.
So, after years of wiretaps and heavy-handed prosecution, the whole government thing was one-upped by Victoria's quick-witted and memorable sound bites. Her off-handed remarks are more or less the Rosetta Stone for anyone who might find themselves thrust into the national spotlight for infamous reasons.
She's so darn intelligent and savvy, yet she surrounds herself with such dopey people? Luigi? What's his purpose? I hate to think that he's some comic relief thrown in by the producers. The guys she gets to chaperone her sons are morons -- she gets rid of them but it's always after the fact. Her gay friend is on the ball -- why not a little more about him? Yes, I like Victoria -- she's a good mother and a good role model for women in general. Don't bother me with Mafia stuff or that Daughter-of-a-Mafia-Don baloney -- watch the show and see what it means to be a mother with ultra energetic sons. Smart women and good mothers can come from anywhere -- don't watch this show with prejudice.
Victoria never hijacked a truck, but she might hijack your heart. Damien
I Married a Princess (2005)
3rd string actor marries 4th rate princess to make a fifth rate show.
So Katherine Oxenberg (essentially an extra on Dynasty) is a princess, and her husband IS Casper Van Dien, and they have a bunch of kids -- and this makes a show? I don't think so, but LIFETIME TV seems to have sunk some real money into this royal jelly.
It seems to me that both of their publicists were working overtime and this was the best thing they could con out of a network executive.
The episode I saw had something to do with Tsunami relief. The Van Dien's were formulating a guest list for their fund raiser. Names like Rod Stewart, Nicollette Sheridan and Courtney Cox were thrown around but, in the end, they got Fran Drescher -- she's okay in my book but not big enough to cover a tidal wave.
All in all they are attractive people who seem to be VERY good parents who have really good intentions -- they just wound up with a stupid reality show. I think they should just live their lives without TV cameras -- nobody needs to know that they're nice people. I mean, a princess doesn't need all this attention, right? Damien
Primetime Glick (2001)
C'mon, we all know Glick is Merv Griffin.
When I was a kid, a broadcast of SCTV would only get my attention if Martin Short was the guy on the screen. Even today my tastes have not wavered. The only reason I am thinking of getting TEVO is so that I can punch in Martin's name and take in a month's worth of his talent when nobody is there to bother me.
Martin Short is without a doubt the funniest human being who has ever lived. His Jiminy Glick character is especially funny, and obviously so "inside" most people don't even get it...or do they?
Martin Short is the only heterosexual man who can make Bette Davis and Katherine Hepburn impersonations funny for us straight men. Please don't take this as a homophobic view, rather, it is testament to Short's incredible talent. He's just funnier than a conventional drag queen or a female impersonator. He does what he does, and his straight audience laughs because it's funny, while his gay audience falls off their chairs because it's so hilariously campy and cruel.
Today I watched an episode of Primetime Jiminy and watched Short do a reenactment of Sal Mineo's murder with marionettes. Imagine that...a famous gay murder played out with cheap puppets -- it was so patently gay, yet only a small percent of those watching (and laughing) would understand how horribly and morbidly funny it really was.
C'mon, we all know Jiminy Glick is Merv Griffin -- it's so beyond funny because Martin Short is essentially a straight drag queen.
Thanks, Damien
Alexander (2004)
Was Michael Moore in charge of Historical Accuracy?
Oliver (I hate America) Stone has done for the ancient world what Michael Moore has done for journalistic integrity -- make up a story to fit the masses, edit it the way you think things ought to have been, and turn a quick buck while living out your malcontented life in wealth and splendor with ticket sales receipts subliminally wrought from the pay checks of Red State, Jesus Land folks. That's a bad run-on sentence, I know, but it was required to describe a very bad scam.
Let me make no bones about it, I DON'T LIKE OLIVER STONE and I didn't like Alexander. It's a cheesy, flimsy, spaghetti-westernish waste of time.
Yes, this is my idea of a review. I went into the film expecting to see John F, Kennedy drive by the Macedonian School Book Depository -- at least Stone edited that part out -- but c'mon, we know he must have filmed it.
Damien
Deeply (2000)
BRILLIANT DIRECTION
I watched this film today. It aired on WE (Women's Television) -- I am not a woman, but that fact does not disqualify me from knowing that this film is brilliantly directed, brilliantly acted and brilliantly written. Why do I get the feeling that DEEPLY has been relegated to "Chick Flick" TV-land? In my opinion it's far better than any film I've seen at my local Multiplex this year -- far far better.
I am not familiar with Sheri Elwood's work as a director, but if this is what she can do on a semi-low budget, bring in the big guns, fellas, because this woman has mega-talent. Don't you powerbrokers out there in Hollywood take the time to watch films like this? Where do you think artistically gifted and talented directors come from -- NYU Film School? Think again and do your homework.
This movie gets a 9 out of 10 -- one point lost because of the confusing accents. Dunst sounds like Scarlet O'Hara after she'd been stranded on of the Channel Islands for a few decades.
Damien DamienWasHere@aol.com
The Village (2004)
Lifetime Television for Women? Yes. Blockbuster? No.
I'm going to try to do this without any spoilers...but be warned that my critique alone might lead one to conclusions.
My primary gripe about this movie is that it plays like a Lifetime Television For Women flick -- something akin to COLD MOUNTAIN without the budget and WITNESS without the awesome story -- and throw in a little ALIEN for Sigourney's sake.
Keep these things in mind and reflect upon them AFTER you've seen the film. You'll see what I mean.
1) What was the purpose of the Pilgrim-esquire grammar and manners? Even when Ivy learns the truth from her father, why does he still use that silly, proper, Amishy cadence? And when the elders speak amongst themselves, why do they not revert to normal phrasing? It would have been a cagey hint wouldn't it? Isn't that what plot twists are all about -- the oh-so-subtle hints?
2) Adrien Brody does an annoying job of over-acting. I know it's hard to find a real village idiot who also happens to be an acting coach, but he really should have toned it down. Even an idiot would have known that.
3) Making Ivy blind was a cop-out. The old, "hysterical blind person stumbling through the lonely woods" thing is pretty tired. I imagine this was an attempt to offer us a sense of claustrophobia ( something the director did fabulously in SIGNS) but it just doesn't work here.
4) The pay-off, not that there is one, is feeble and forced. By the time Ivy dispatches one of the unspeakables, anyone with a brain has an idea what is going to happen -- but you still wonder if there might be something less overt. I sat there and thought of at least three different twisty, awesome possibilities that might lie ahead to delight us -- but alas, there were none to be found.
If I saw this film on The USA Network or Lifetime, I would have thought it was pretty good, but since I've been seeing trailers for this big-budget, summer blockbuster for nearly a year, I was profoundly frustrated.
Much like the character's life choices in the village of Covington, the whole thing was a noble effort. So, instead of signing off with a nasty poke at the director/writer, I'll politely say, night, Night.
Damien
Elze Is Gilijos (2000)
Janina Lapinskaite as a director
Having seen two short films, both directed by Janina Lapinskaite, I'm starting to think that she might be the greatest director on Earth. If you think ELZE IS GILIJOS is enchanting and brilliant, try Lapinskaite's other short film, THE LIFE OF ELVES -- it's a masterpiece. You'll be mesmerized.
I know that I should be offering my opinion on ELZE in this forum, but I am forced to concentrate on the brilliance of Lapinskaite's direction. Anyone who sees The Life of Elves will be haunted by the stark images of the elderly dwarf carrying the family's daily chicken dinner to the chopping block, and the haggard family digging on their hands and knees in search of a potato or two. Watching the the three, elderly, elfish siblings sitting awestruck around the ancient television waiting for the weather report and hoping for Spring is strangely not so tragic.
What would this director do with a big budget? It boggles the mind. I can't describe this director by comparing her to anyone -- maybe Diane Arbus -- but in essence she is peerless.
Damien
The Children's Hour (1961)
Miriam Hopkins Saves The Day -- again.
If you've ever seen These Three (1936) note that it is the far better version of The Children's Hour. (1961) Both are film versions of the controversial play by Lillian Hellman.
Of course back in 1936 they had to make sneaky with the lesbianism by tossing it and adding in a heterosexual love triangle. This 1961 version leaves the homosexual undertones pretty much intact, albeit with 1960s sensibilities -- Martha is stereotypically pathetic, lonely and bitter.
Nice job by MacClaine (Martha Doby), a little shrill but actually quite good. She holds up pretty well even when she is put up against Miriam Hopkins -- and that ain't easy. Hopkins is quite possibly one of the greatest actresses of all time and she deftly takes over this film playing the oddly difficult part of the mooching Aunt Lily.
Film buffs will note that Miriam Hopkins played MacClaine's part in These Three. She ruled that movie too. I think she may be the only actress to ever steal the show in a remake while at the same time playing a different part.
Audrey Hepburn is wooden and terribly miscast in here. They don't bounce much dialogue between Hepburn and Hopkins because the director was smart enough to know that Hepburn could not keep up with Hopkins both in manner and nuance. Hopkins is pretty much on her own and that's as it should be.
James Garner (Dr, Cardin) is annoying and he adds nothing to the film.
Faye Bainter (Mrs. Tilford) offers up a flawless performance. Her encounter with Miriam Hopkins in the hallway of the school is classic cinema and is one of the reasons why this film is worth watching.
So, Miriam Hopkins saves the day and makes this movie a watchable classic. If you don't know anything about Miriam Hopkins, take a look-see at some of her work, especially the original version of The Children's Hour (when it was called These Three). You will see that she owned the camera. That's why a lot of people didn't like her.
Damien
Nói albinói (2003)
"POWDER" -- BUT THIS TIME WITH ICE.
Let's see -- he's bald, he's albino, he's a savant of sorts and he's a teen outcast in a backwoods town. Hmmmmmm, could it be POWDER? No, it's Nyi Albinyi and he's living (sort of) in Iceland of all places.
The film is only worth watching because the scenery is beautiful -- but then I have to think how much of it was real and how much was added in post production.
There is a great scene where Nyi shoots down some giant icicles and quite a bit of subtle humor but overall something is just not right with the story.
No, I did not like this movie. The whole "teenage angst" thing leaves me cold -- especially when you do it in Iceland.
Damien
Run of the House (2003)
Run "out of your house" when this is on.
If you have a yen to watch the worst, most uninspired, smarmiest and un-funniest sitcom in history (or since OLIVER BEENE) please give RUN OF THE HOUSE the once-over -- but don't try this at home.
It's almost like the producers/writers/creators tried intentionally to make the worst TV show possible. In the spirit of good will, God bless them if they won the grand prize because they deserved it.
The premise (assuming there is one) is old, tired and uninteresting. The acting is bad, and the writing is -- SET UP, WISE CRACK, JOKE... SET UP, WISE CRACK, JOKE etc etc etc and so on. Poor Joey Lawrence, he's already starting to be used as a 90s nostalgia act -- and he's only in his 20s!
Joey, PLEASE FIRE YOUR AGENT!
It boggles the mind how shows get greenlighted...and this one ran three red lights on the way to the studio.
Damien
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (1969)
"If they want to get rid of me...they will have to assassinate me".
This is perhaps one of the greatest films in the English language -- but only because of Maggie Smith's museum-quality portrayal of Miss Jean Brodie. This masterpiece in mannerisms and manners will be looked upon in the future much in the same way we look upon THE MONA LISA today. I know that this sounds like a stretch, but someday someone will know what I mean.
The only downside to this film is the sad realization that if Jean Brodie were to have been played by anyone other than Maggie Smith it would have been a bore -- but oddly enough, this fact alone seems to add to the greatness of the film overall.
While my header might be the best line in the film, my personal favorite was, "Indeed, for those who like that sort of thing, that is the sort of thing they like."
Damien
Oliver Beene (2003)
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN TV PRODUCERS HAVE NO CREATIVITY?
The answer -- You get OLIVER BEENE. I can't believe the producers of The Wonder Years aren't suing for copyright infringement. How uncreative can you get? I would imagine that there must be hundreds of pilot scripts and sitcom treatments which were overlooked in favor of the this copy-cat, uninspired and unfunny piece of schtick. Who greenlights this garbage?
The direction is awful -- the quirky-jerky camera shots will make you sick to your stomach. The entire show has that cheapo, Married With Children look (only worse) -- and the acting is just plain terrible.
This show has cured me of any desire to tune my television to any channel lower than 13 on my dial.
Please cancel this show and slap the producers. Damien
Unlikely Angel (1996)
An Angel With Wings On Her Chest
Dolly Parton's performance in this laughable Christmas fairytale is more wooden than the log ride at Dollywood. It's bad enough that Dolly has very limited acting ability, but did she did think it was appropriate to play an angel from heaven whose wings are stuffed under the front of her blouse? Her holiday-festive tops were a bit revealing. They could have fit three wise men and a donkey on that rack. If Dolly had been the ghost of Christmas Present, Tiny Tim would have gotten more than a Christmas goose out of Mr. Scrooge.
The angst-ridden teen daughter is more than atrocious in her part. The heartbroken, jaded dad is prone to saying things like, "My schedule is too busy to go get a Christmas tree dammit." Oh, that Dad -- he is such a jerk -- and he can't act.
Listen, Hollywood, they already made It's A Wonderful Life 50 years ago -- let it go, let it go.
Damien
ATF (1999)
GOMER PYLE WITHOUT THE LAUGH TRACK
This made for TV ( and boy is it ever ) movie reminded me of Gomer Pyle but without the canned laughter. Amy Brenneman is Gomer and Kathy Baker is Sargeant Carter. Amy (Gomer) is always screwing up while Sargeant Carter (Baker) always has to scream at her for screwing up.
The "rogue cop who always proves the chief wrong" angle is sooooooo played out. Too much pathos, too little craftiness, too much predictability, too little ingenuity.
pass on this one
Damien
Used People (1992)
Moonstruck Gone Schticky
This movie is a shameless, poor man's knockoff of the almost-as-bad and terribly overrated, "Moonstruck" --
MacClaine's performance is unbearable. What was with her attempt at an ethnic New York accent? She wound up sounding like Lanie Kazan with adenoids. Jessica Tandy, by this time, was on life support, and so overused and played out, that you've got to feel sorry for her.
Everybody else in the script, save for Marcello, has a "New Yawk" accent while Tandy sounds like the local Mrs. Vanderbilt. She must have gone to a finishing school in Flatbush.
Marcello is dragged into this mess in a blatant attempt to add legitimacy to the drivel -- poor guy.
Used People must have been green-lighted by a USED Car Salesman. It's a worse-than-Moonstruck (and that ain't easy) atrocity.
Sorry but I calls 'em as I sees 'em.
Damien