There will always be comparisons with Blackadder, that's inevitable but Ben Elton's Shakespeare take is excellent, it helps if you're a buff and can get a lot of the in-jokes but even without it this is a truly hilarious piece, especially Mark Heap as Greene who is obviously having a bll. Elton of course always takes time to use it to mock the present and point out how little has essentially changed which is always the temptation with historical works but it is done subtly enough not to get tiresome. But then we have the episode when Shakespeare's son dies, quicky and unremarkably and it genuinely reduces me to tears every time, David Mitchell and Liza Tarbuck are just a revelation, it truly is amazing.
Reviews
529 Reviews
Upstart Crow
(2016–2020)
Funny, funny, funny and then UTTER TRAGEDY!
23 September 2023
Warning: Spoilers
Best ep of the series and it's so damn low key!
24 October 2022
Warning: Spoilers
Because Magnum isn't about red Ferraris and the case of the week, it's about the inner character of our hero and the friendship of the quartet. Magnum is lost at sea and Higgins, Rick and TC gradually work out he's in trouble and come to rescue him. That's the barebones of the story but its' heart is Magnum keeps himself going by taking his inspiration from his father, who taught him how to swim before he left for the Korean War and never returned. The most emotive line is Higgins casually mentioning Magnum to Agatha and suddenly having the inexplicable sensation that he is speaking ill of the dead, gives you chills.
Top Gun: Maverick
(2022)
Can't remember the last time I smiled so much in the cinema!
28 May 2022
Warning: Spoilers
This was just such FUN! When I was leaving the cinema people were openly saying how good it was and I had to agree. Ok so large part of it don't make much sense, why do they have to attack with such a small force (in a scenario straight out of Star Wars), why not have the rest of the squadron perform flak suppression on the SAM sites? Lots of homages to the first film not to mention 'The Right Stuff' but had to admit was on the edge of my seat when Mav went to Mach 10. Great gag when he walks into the diner in his burnt flight suit and asks where he is only for the kid to reply "Earth!". I think the romance between Mav and Penny was good although I far preferred her before her reduction surgery. Shame they couldn't have got Kelly McGillis back to play Iceman's wife, would have been an nice touch. Speaking of which that was the most emotional part of the film (far more so than all the daddy stuff), seeing Cruise and Kilmer together in a situation that wasn't too far from real life, I highly recommend everyone watch the documentary 'Val' although it is rather heart-breaking. So was it cheesy? Yes, very much so. But was it 2 hours of action, 1980s nostalgia and first rate entertainment? Yes and I would highly recommend it.
Chopper Squad
(1977–1979)
Fantastic series!
22 May 2022
I think in many ways the ultimate Aussie fantasy the world over. Australia has always been essentially Britain transferred to the sun, with lots of wilderness and gorgeous weather. Chopper Squad was always the epitome of this, saving beautiful young girls from the various evils the wild and untamed antipodean wilderness offered. That said, it had its' darker aspects, the psycho who would burn sunbathing beauties with acid, the elderly mountaineer who would succumb to a heart attack whilst scaling a cliff and the squad would be forced to just leave him to die, the old friend of the crew who would try to fake his own death in order to win an insurance payout. Ultimately it's a fairly lightweight series but just so amazingly entertaining.
Return of the Saint
(1978–1979)
Last of the Playboy crime fighters
3 May 2022
Thank god for Forces TV digging up all these great old programmes. I'm sure not a single one of the teenagers who make up the services ever watch them but marvellous for the rest of us. You really can't help but watch this series and not think of the excellent Top Gear/Harry Enfield pastiches (The Playboys and The Interceptors). Doubtless inspired by the success of The New Avengers they decided to give Simon Templar one last go in contrast to the far grittier Starsky and Hutch, The Professionals and Sweeney who were dominating the screen at the time. Instead we have an upper class hero who battles the villains internationally for adventure's sake and doesn't have to answer to anyone. Its' main strength is its' star, Ian Olgivy doing a top notch Cary Grant impersonation and he is just perfect in the role, dashing and charming with just that hint of steel lying underneath (in several episodes it is implied that Templar was a mercenary who were all the rage in fiction at the time, very different from the books). Also some catchy theme music and of course the white Jag, he was probably the only man in history who genuinely pulled off a personalized number plate. The plots were okay and it's very interesting to see so many familiar faces who would go on to fame in times to come. Really the last time ST was brought successfully to the screen although I do like 2017 movie if only for Roger Moore and Eliza Dushku.
Operation Mincemeat
(2021)
A truly great film of the quiet heroes of the Second World War
23 April 2022
Truly excellent, the story of how deception played such a key part in the Allies victory. Uniformly terrific performances and a great plot, demonstrating the "Wilderness of mirrors" of intelligence work, you can never really be sure of what is real and what is not and have to continually balance one risk against another. The ruthlessness of when the corpse's sister shows up and you have to put your nobler feelings aside because what you're doing is so much more important than her grief at her brother's death, that if you don't carry on there will be thousands of more grieving siblings to mourn for. The heart-stopping scene where the German agent confronts the heroine and you have to consider whether or not to continue, not knowing if there really is an anti-Hitler faction in German intelligence or whether this is all a bluff to make her spill her guts (the fact that he leaves her alive suggests the former). The nagging fear of Communist infiltration which turn out to be 100% true with Philby, Burgess and co. The references to the true inspiration for the plot, ex-British Intelligence chief Basil Thomson (one of the prime architects of the IRA's defeat) and his story "The Milner's Hat'. In truth the only reason I don't give it 10 out of 10 is that it somewhat exaggerates the impact of the scheme, had it not worked casualties in Sicily would have been far greater but it certainly wouldn't have affected the course of the war and there was no chance of a German invasion of Britain by 1943. But all told a classic spy story that I would recommend to anyone.
Enter Autolycus
6 February 2022
Warning: Spoilers
Enter Autolycus and Xena is so much better for him! Okay, unless someone can correct me the ancient Greeks didn't have sugar, they sweetened things using honey? Xena dips its' toe in Christianity for the first but by no means the last time, shamelessly ripping off Raiders of the Lost Ark (Indy also living in a polytheist world to judge by Temple of Doom). Here's a question, what exactly does Autolycus spend all the money he steals on? Maybe he sends it to his wife? LL dancing in a sexy outfit never goes wrong, I actually used to own a Xena concubine doll that spun around its' little plinth when you pushed a button. I think I might start counting up all the times Gabby ends up as a hostage? One more kill for Xena and she also stabs one of the guards in the crotch, quite viciously and bloodily. Some great lines, especially like;
Autolycus (upon seeing Xena for the first time); "I know what you want but all I can offer is a broken heart".
Also like; Gabby; "You know one of the those headaches where you wish you were dead?" Xena; "Yeah" Gabby; "Well, I wish I had one of those about now" 8/10.
Also like; Gabby; "You know one of the those headaches where you wish you were dead?" Xena; "Yeah" Gabby; "Well, I wish I had one of those about now" 8/10.
Entertaining
6 February 2022
Warning: Spoilers
Well, getting the underworld is a lot simpler than you might imagine, you just dive down to the bottom of the lake?
Best line-Gabby; "But what if you drown?"
Xena; "Well then I guess I'll make it to the underworld one way or the other?"
Michael Hurst as Charron and Toxeus is back. Boy this is dark! We have Xena's equivalent of Hannibal Lecter who is creepy as hell and cuts Toxeus' head clean off! Fire-breathing again and we see that returning people to life is actually no big deal for gods as we'll see time and again over the series. The CGI isn't bad for the time and Xena kills 2 Harpies and 2 humans.
Not a favourite of the subtexters as Marcus is obviously a real catch and Xena tells him that she loves him, something I don't think we ever see with any of her other boyfriends? She says that she will see him again one day but actually we later see that when she dies she goes to the Christian heaven although it's perfectly possibly the 2 could have been merged with the death of Hades? Which begs the question where did HE go upon his demise?
8/10.
Best line-Gabby; "But what if you drown?"
Xena; "Well then I guess I'll make it to the underworld one way or the other?"
Michael Hurst as Charron and Toxeus is back. Boy this is dark! We have Xena's equivalent of Hannibal Lecter who is creepy as hell and cuts Toxeus' head clean off! Fire-breathing again and we see that returning people to life is actually no big deal for gods as we'll see time and again over the series. The CGI isn't bad for the time and Xena kills 2 Harpies and 2 humans.
Not a favourite of the subtexters as Marcus is obviously a real catch and Xena tells him that she loves him, something I don't think we ever see with any of her other boyfriends? She says that she will see him again one day but actually we later see that when she dies she goes to the Christian heaven although it's perfectly possibly the 2 could have been merged with the death of Hades? Which begs the question where did HE go upon his demise?
8/10.
Around the World in 80 Days
(2021– )
Could have been great but killed by political correctness?
31 January 2022
Warning: Spoilers
Loved the book as a kid and I'm sure many of my generation will also remember the "Around the World with Willy Fogg" cartoon adaptation from the 80s. Much of the story is still there but it rapidly becomes mired in obvious wokeness, we have to have an interracial and inter-class romance between Passepartout and Abigail ( the proto-feminist who replaces Fogg's police pursuer). We have to have Fogg mourning his lost love even though part of his charm was that he was the quintessential British eccentric doing this purely on a gentleman's wager (hence why French author Jules Verne chose a British hero). Perhaps the worst decision is to ditch the character of Aouda, the Hindu woman they rescue from Sati who eventually falls in love with Fogg. Because obviously you could never portray the acts of colonialists in a positive light? No "white saviours" here (suppressing Sati one of the most positive aspects of the British Raj). All told though still entertaining, Tennant is just as good here as he is in Dr Who which this resembles a great deal.
Double the fun!
28 January 2022
Warning: Spoilers
Esentially a mixture of Mark Twain and The Prisoner of Zenda. Our first Xena doppelganger and I think a great performance from LL, just by changing her body language and stance she becomes a completely different character (Layla was more of a proto-Xena). Fire-breathing for the first time in the show although you wonder what Xena is drinking mid morning in order to accomplish this?
It seems Xena has no scars to differentiate her from Diana despite her years of combat, another suggestion that leans towards her being a demi-goddess. Unfortunately slavery was ubiquitous in the ancient world, only ending when Europeans began its' abolition in the C18th. Liberium seems to be a rip from Liberia, the African state created for freed slaves by the US. Side saddle riding Lucy is HILARIOUS!
Best line-Xena; "Oh come we've got that evil spot somewhere" Xena can't play an instrument, that and cooking seem to be the only 2 things she can't do (but Joxer and Gabby can do both).
The pinch for what I calculate to be the 8th time. Gabby seems quite enamoured of the beautiful Diana in the final scene and they have an interesting conversation about finding that special someone.
So why are there so many Xena lookalikes running around? Maybe Ares got around more than we thought? But only Xena inherited his powers?
It seems Xena has no scars to differentiate her from Diana despite her years of combat, another suggestion that leans towards her being a demi-goddess. Unfortunately slavery was ubiquitous in the ancient world, only ending when Europeans began its' abolition in the C18th. Liberium seems to be a rip from Liberia, the African state created for freed slaves by the US. Side saddle riding Lucy is HILARIOUS!
Best line-Xena; "Oh come we've got that evil spot somewhere" Xena can't play an instrument, that and cooking seem to be the only 2 things she can't do (but Joxer and Gabby can do both).
The pinch for what I calculate to be the 8th time. Gabby seems quite enamoured of the beautiful Diana in the final scene and they have an interesting conversation about finding that special someone.
So why are there so many Xena lookalikes running around? Maybe Ares got around more than we thought? But only Xena inherited his powers?
A fun little ep but nothing too striking
28 January 2022
Warning: Spoilers
An obvious riff on 'The Treasure of the Sierra Madre'. Boy the first kill is very bloody and one more dead friend for Xena. Love her teasing of Theristes with the clue. Gabby still refers to Argo as "The horse" but she is largely missing from this ep. So Xena was engaged to Patracles? Hmmmm, wonder how Marcus and Borias felt about that?
Gabby had a pony when she was 5 so she wasn't always afraid of horses. More subtext, she and Petracles get all kissy and when Xena warns him off later he observes "I'd say you were jealous?" The "Don't pull the ring" gag is very Evil Dead, one more kill for Xena bringing her to 24 and maybe we now know how the girls fund themselves, they've still got that Sumerian treasure?
Gabby had a pony when she was 5 so she wasn't always afraid of horses. More subtext, she and Petracles get all kissy and when Xena warns him off later he observes "I'd say you were jealous?" The "Don't pull the ring" gag is very Evil Dead, one more kill for Xena bringing her to 24 and maybe we now know how the girls fund themselves, they've still got that Sumerian treasure?
Val
(I) (2021)
Oh this was so heart-wrenching!
27 January 2022
Warning: Spoilers
You see the young and virile Val Kilmer giving some great performances and then you see how cancer has ravaged him, you hear the narration and at first you think it's him and then you realise it's actually his son because he knows he simply can't speak the words anymore (his son does a fantastic job). When he's signing autographs and then has to take time out because he collapses, when he talks about the death of his beloved kid brother who drowns when he suffers an epileptic fit in the family jacuzzi. A great tribute to a great actor.
Deep Blue Sea 3
(2020 Video)
This fish has seriously gone off!
12 August 2021
Why make a sequel to Deep Blue Sea 2? One of the most underwhelming cheapo cash-in exploitation flicks anyone has ever seen? Well maybe they had the CGI shark software rented for another day? To say there is nothing new here seems redundant at this point although frankly if you're watching this you pretty much know what you're getting into. Plus if you thought the poster for part 2 was an exercise in willing vore fetishism it's really nothing compared to this one! The last girl seemed accepting, this one positively eager. Probably the most enthusiastic element of the entire movie.
Deep Blue Sea 2
(2018 Video)
A film that can only be enjoined by Vore fetishists!
12 August 2021
I mean seriously, look a the poster, it's like the heroine is giving herself willingly to the shark? Aside from that the film is essentially a re-tread of the first movie but with genetically engineered Bull sharks instead of Makos (the former famed for their ability to live in fresh water at least for a limited period, the latter famed for their speed and leaping ability). Plus let's face it the cast is a lot less impressive than Samuel L Jackson to say the least. But it's entertaining enough in it's own way and when you decide to watch a movie about scientifically enhanced sharks on the rampage you don't really expect that much.
Sliders
(1995–2000)
A great show from beginning to end.
3 August 2021
Warning: Spoilers
I really loved this show when the BBC screened it in the 90s. But they never showed the last few seasons. Finally caught up with it when the Horror Channel finally ran the entire series and it is great, a terrific central concept that allows it to examine so many different possibilities and make philosophical points about them all. I know many thought that the show died after it began to progressively kill off its' regular cast but I actually really like the way it dealt with matters, it made it more engaging when you didn't know who would survive. I found the ending actually pretty satisfying, Rembrant give up his life but frees his version of Earth from the Kromaggs, the other surviving Sliders are free to live out their lives as celebrities in a free, prosperous and civilized society. I would have liked a 6th season to resolve things but the 5 were just fine.
Hunter's Gold
(1977)
Loved this as a kid
14 July 2021
Just that long tracking shot of the hero making his way along the country track and then the camera sweeps across the mine workings, years later I'd go to NZ and see them still there and it was as if I was back in time once more to UTV on a Saturday morning during the school holidays. A great series and I wish they would repeat it once more, it's themes and story are essentially timeless.
The Shootist
(1976)
John Wayne's last film was his best.
3 July 2021
Warning: Spoilers
So much of this film was autobiographical. John Wayne plays a much revered gunfighter who is wracked by ill health (John Wayne suffering from recurring bouts of cancer and falling ill with influenza during this film). He comes to a small town and wishes to just die in peace but his past will not leave him alone, much as the left-wing protesters hounded Wayne for his support for the Vietnam War (he refused a gravestone because he feared it would be defaced by them). In the end he goes out in a blaze of glory but there is an epic sadness to his passing. Having watched him for years as a child seeing this film actually reduced me to tears. Wayne was by no means a perfect individual but who is? For good or ill his death was the end of an era.
A good load of firsts
30 May 2021
Warning: Spoilers
The Good; Amazons and Centaurs for the first time and both are great, our first meeting with Ephiny, Gabby becomes a Princess and gets her first staff. Love her dancing too.
The Bad; a little obvious who the villain is
Best lines-Xena; "These tracks weren't made by Centaurs"
Ephiny (handling some dung); " You're right, this has hay in it, Centaur don't eat hay".
Xena; "No I meant Centaur's put all their weight on their front hooves"
Ephiny (rapidly ditching the dung); "Oh".
Xena cliches; ?
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1 Fire-breathing; 2, Hot tub; 2, Xena in bondage 2, Gabby in bondage 2, Gabby the black widow; 1.
Xena invents; the tracheotomy and handgliding.
Notches on the headpost;?
Calling Captain Subtext; ?
Twisted history; various explanations for Centaurs, my favourite is Zeus lustfully pursuing his daughter Aphrodite but when she eludes him he "spills his seed on the ground" causing them to spring forth (hence why we don't see any females?). Interestingly they were tasked by Zeus to guard the infant Dionysos from the machinations of Hera? Various explanations as to the Amazons too, one of which is that their first queen Otrera was the daughter of Ares, maybe Xena is a more of an Amazon than she thinks?
Bodycount; byebye one Amazon princess and 2 more kills for Xena
Xena; 19 humans + one giant bird.
Notes; not exactly sure that the Amazons would appreciate being referred to as "harlots"? The great Alison Bruce in the first of 5 separate roles she has in the Xenaverse, also popping up in Hercules and even Young Hercules. Very much I think the ep where Gabby starts to come into her own, she demonstrates such courage and is more than Xena's shadow.
7/10.
The Bad; a little obvious who the villain is
Best lines-Xena; "These tracks weren't made by Centaurs"
Ephiny (handling some dung); " You're right, this has hay in it, Centaur don't eat hay".
Xena; "No I meant Centaur's put all their weight on their front hooves"
Ephiny (rapidly ditching the dung); "Oh".
Xena cliches; ?
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1 Fire-breathing; 2, Hot tub; 2, Xena in bondage 2, Gabby in bondage 2, Gabby the black widow; 1.
Xena invents; the tracheotomy and handgliding.
Notches on the headpost;?
Calling Captain Subtext; ?
Twisted history; various explanations for Centaurs, my favourite is Zeus lustfully pursuing his daughter Aphrodite but when she eludes him he "spills his seed on the ground" causing them to spring forth (hence why we don't see any females?). Interestingly they were tasked by Zeus to guard the infant Dionysos from the machinations of Hera? Various explanations as to the Amazons too, one of which is that their first queen Otrera was the daughter of Ares, maybe Xena is a more of an Amazon than she thinks?
Bodycount; byebye one Amazon princess and 2 more kills for Xena
Xena; 19 humans + one giant bird.
Notes; not exactly sure that the Amazons would appreciate being referred to as "harlots"? The great Alison Bruce in the first of 5 separate roles she has in the Xenaverse, also popping up in Hercules and even Young Hercules. Very much I think the ep where Gabby starts to come into her own, she demonstrates such courage and is more than Xena's shadow.
7/10.
Rolling that rock up the hill.
24 May 2021
Warning: Spoilers
The Good; A nice little story that trips along and asks some pretty deep questions on the nature of mortality.
The Bad; How can Sisyphus trap Celesta with just some manacles when she can dematerialise? The storyline is rather similar to Prometheus which we just had last week?
Best lines-Xena (to Toxeus and his boys); "Run me through and I'm yours"
Also like Toxeous; "Your deaths depend on it!" (which even gets a laugh from his undead minions whom HE killed.
Xena cliches; our first instance of Gabby the black widow, anyone she has a romantic interest in inevitably dies
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1 Fire-breathing; 2, Hot tub; 2, Xena in bondage 2, Gabby in bondage 2, Gabby the black widow; 1.
Xena invents; the tracheotomy and handgliding.
Notches on the headpost; Gabby falls for Talus and he even impresses Xena with his nobility "I can see why Gabby thinks you're special".
Calling Captain Subtext; ?
Twisted history; the real Sisyphus was a lot more evil, taking in travellers in the Greek rite of hospitality 'xenia'(?) and murdering them. He does anger Zeus just as depicted here and it was supposedly Hades himself who came for him and was chained. He has no sister called Celestia who is an invention of the writers (here's a question, what happened to her after the fall of the gods? Can she exist without Hades?).
Bodycount; byebye Toxeous and Talus, 6 goons and one of Sisyphus' guards who unknowingly 'flirts with death'.
Xena; 17 humans + one giant bird.
Notes; not the ep if you're claustrophobic or a musophobe (the end disclaimer proclaims that none were harmed in the making of the show). No epilogue scene which is unusual, the episode simply ends with Celestia taking Talus away and Xena and Gabby hugging. Our first encounter with Hades who is suitably impressive.
7/10.
The Bad; How can Sisyphus trap Celesta with just some manacles when she can dematerialise? The storyline is rather similar to Prometheus which we just had last week?
Best lines-Xena (to Toxeus and his boys); "Run me through and I'm yours"
Also like Toxeous; "Your deaths depend on it!" (which even gets a laugh from his undead minions whom HE killed.
Xena cliches; our first instance of Gabby the black widow, anyone she has a romantic interest in inevitably dies
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1 Fire-breathing; 2, Hot tub; 2, Xena in bondage 2, Gabby in bondage 2, Gabby the black widow; 1.
Xena invents; the tracheotomy and handgliding.
Notches on the headpost; Gabby falls for Talus and he even impresses Xena with his nobility "I can see why Gabby thinks you're special".
Calling Captain Subtext; ?
Twisted history; the real Sisyphus was a lot more evil, taking in travellers in the Greek rite of hospitality 'xenia'(?) and murdering them. He does anger Zeus just as depicted here and it was supposedly Hades himself who came for him and was chained. He has no sister called Celestia who is an invention of the writers (here's a question, what happened to her after the fall of the gods? Can she exist without Hades?).
Bodycount; byebye Toxeous and Talus, 6 goons and one of Sisyphus' guards who unknowingly 'flirts with death'.
Xena; 17 humans + one giant bird.
Notes; not the ep if you're claustrophobic or a musophobe (the end disclaimer proclaims that none were harmed in the making of the show). No epilogue scene which is unusual, the episode simply ends with Celestia taking Talus away and Xena and Gabby hugging. Our first encounter with Hades who is suitably impressive.
7/10.
First of the crossovers.
14 May 2021
Warning: Spoilers
The Good; some nice stuff between Xena and Herc/Gabby and Iolaus. I like the scene where they realise Iolaus is hurt and he points out there's just nothing they can do for him under the circumstances so they accept it and leave him.
The Bad; rather ruins the surprise of Herc and friend turning up when they're announced in the opening titles.
Best lines-Gabby (to Xena); "You're not much for girl talk are you? But then you're not like most girls".
Xena cliches;
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1 Fire-breathing; 2, Hot tub; 2, Xena in bondage 2, Gabby in bondage 2.
Xena invents; the tracheotomy and handgliding.
Notches on the headpost; none although Gabby gets a kiss from Iolaus.
Calling Captain Subtext; check out the way the pair embrace when parting to leave Gabby to care for Iolaus. I must say when I first saw it I thought they had just kissed.
Twisted history; Prometheus as portrayed here defied the gods to give mankind healing and fire and was duly punished by them by being chained to a mountain and having a huge bird peck out his liver every night only for it to regrow and be pecked out again the next night. He's actually a Titan and obviously managed to avoid being imprisoned with the rest of them in the cave. In the myth he is indeed freed by Hercules.
Bodycount; 1 guard destroyed by the sword strike and one robber gets a dagger in the throat plus the dinosaur bird. We also have the poor girl at the tavern collapse and die from natural causes.
Xena; 16 humans + one giant bird.
Notes; quite bloody, both the knife in the neck and Xena killing the bird. Of course you now think of Ridley Scott's pretty rubbish film of the same name and the 'Engineers' in it are quite similar to how he is portrayed here. Gabby says that without Xena she would be a travelling bard and study at the Athens academy which we will see later. We also have some prototype Furies in the form of the temple priestesses. Falafel again and our first appearance of Hera in the series (in mythology it was actually Zeus who imprisoned him). The first of the taglines which will become a tradition, announcing that Iolaus was actually hurt but the green egg men were ok (reputedly because Michael Hurst broke his arm and they were forced to rewrite his storyline and give him his injury, more of THAT later). A lot of the music here is reminiscent of Barber's Adagio for strings.
7/10.
The Bad; rather ruins the surprise of Herc and friend turning up when they're announced in the opening titles.
Best lines-Gabby (to Xena); "You're not much for girl talk are you? But then you're not like most girls".
Xena cliches;
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1 Fire-breathing; 2, Hot tub; 2, Xena in bondage 2, Gabby in bondage 2.
Xena invents; the tracheotomy and handgliding.
Notches on the headpost; none although Gabby gets a kiss from Iolaus.
Calling Captain Subtext; check out the way the pair embrace when parting to leave Gabby to care for Iolaus. I must say when I first saw it I thought they had just kissed.
Twisted history; Prometheus as portrayed here defied the gods to give mankind healing and fire and was duly punished by them by being chained to a mountain and having a huge bird peck out his liver every night only for it to regrow and be pecked out again the next night. He's actually a Titan and obviously managed to avoid being imprisoned with the rest of them in the cave. In the myth he is indeed freed by Hercules.
Bodycount; 1 guard destroyed by the sword strike and one robber gets a dagger in the throat plus the dinosaur bird. We also have the poor girl at the tavern collapse and die from natural causes.
Xena; 16 humans + one giant bird.
Notes; quite bloody, both the knife in the neck and Xena killing the bird. Of course you now think of Ridley Scott's pretty rubbish film of the same name and the 'Engineers' in it are quite similar to how he is portrayed here. Gabby says that without Xena she would be a travelling bard and study at the Athens academy which we will see later. We also have some prototype Furies in the form of the temple priestesses. Falafel again and our first appearance of Hera in the series (in mythology it was actually Zeus who imprisoned him). The first of the taglines which will become a tradition, announcing that Iolaus was actually hurt but the green egg men were ok (reputedly because Michael Hurst broke his arm and they were forced to rewrite his storyline and give him his injury, more of THAT later). A lot of the music here is reminiscent of Barber's Adagio for strings.
7/10.
The Giants vs the Virgin Goddess
8 May 2021
Warning: Spoilers
The Good; some great interplay between Gabby and Xena and her planning is truly inspirational.
The Bad; Nothing really but it's all a little lacklustre, this, like many of the eps of the first season feels like a script for Hercules they just converted for the girls.
Best lines-Head Titan; "We obey virgin goddess".
Gabby; "You know you don't have to call me that all the time, it's kinda personal".
Xena cliches; Xena and Gabby in bondage
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1 Fire-breathing; 2, Hot tub; 2, Xena in bondage 2, Gabby in bondage 2.
Notches on the headpost; no and we realise that Gabby doesn't have any whatsoever.
Calling Captain Subtext; check out the little look of jealousy Xena gives when she thinks that Gabby may have slept with the head villager?
Twisted history; the Titans were the forefathers of the gods whom they eventually overthrew, they seem much larger than the Olympians (Poseidon aside) but otherwise to lack any powers beyond their size?
Bodycount; 1 Titan, 1 bandit and his aide.
Xena; 16
Notes; Gabby is left in charge of Argo (still unnamed here) for the first time and she and Xena fall out over it "She has no respect for me". Gabby is a virgin although you wonder is that physically or in the Bill Clinton sense?
7/10.
The Bad; Nothing really but it's all a little lacklustre, this, like many of the eps of the first season feels like a script for Hercules they just converted for the girls.
Best lines-Head Titan; "We obey virgin goddess".
Gabby; "You know you don't have to call me that all the time, it's kinda personal".
Xena cliches; Xena and Gabby in bondage
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1 Fire-breathing; 2, Hot tub; 2, Xena in bondage 2, Gabby in bondage 2.
Notches on the headpost; no and we realise that Gabby doesn't have any whatsoever.
Calling Captain Subtext; check out the little look of jealousy Xena gives when she thinks that Gabby may have slept with the head villager?
Twisted history; the Titans were the forefathers of the gods whom they eventually overthrew, they seem much larger than the Olympians (Poseidon aside) but otherwise to lack any powers beyond their size?
Bodycount; 1 Titan, 1 bandit and his aide.
Xena; 16
Notes; Gabby is left in charge of Argo (still unnamed here) for the first time and she and Xena fall out over it "She has no respect for me". Gabby is a virgin although you wonder is that physically or in the Bill Clinton sense?
7/10.
The last temptation of Xena
2 May 2021
Warning: Spoilers
The Good; All the Ares/Xena scenes are superb and I also love Gabby the lawyer who is surprisingly effective.
The Bad; the whole bit with the footprints is rather stupid, I mean the villagers have been walking all over the crime scene? Equally was there really no other way for Xena and Gabby out of the valley? Well, maybe not with Argo.
Best lines-Xena (to Ares); "You should know what grief can do" (a theme we'll return to many times).
Xena cliches; Xena in bondage (and I forgot to add gabby from the previous ep too).
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1 Fire-breathing; 2, Hot tub; 2, Xena in bondage 1, Gabby in bondage 1.
Notches on the headpost; no although not if Ares got his way.
Calling Captain Subtext; ?
Twisted history; Xena refers to Hector, Achilles and Agamemnon from the siege of Troy although we later discover this is still going on at the time and the latter was supposed to have survived (and Hercules to have died long before)
Bodycount;
Xena; 16
Notes; actually the first time we ever see Kevin Smith as the human form of Ares, much like Rene and Lucy he'd previously played a different character on Hercules, his half brother Iphicles. Ares would be the most popular non regular character in the Xenaverse, appearing in dozens of eps of Xena, Hercules and even Young Hercules. The villagers manner of executing murderers is all the more interesting when you consider the "Gabdrag" from 'The Bitter Suite'. Xena's moment of clarity is when she accidentally hits Gabby, without her as her moral yardstick you'd think she'd go the same way as Draco and Marcus.
7/10.
The Bad; the whole bit with the footprints is rather stupid, I mean the villagers have been walking all over the crime scene? Equally was there really no other way for Xena and Gabby out of the valley? Well, maybe not with Argo.
Best lines-Xena (to Ares); "You should know what grief can do" (a theme we'll return to many times).
Xena cliches; Xena in bondage (and I forgot to add gabby from the previous ep too).
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1 Fire-breathing; 2, Hot tub; 2, Xena in bondage 1, Gabby in bondage 1.
Notches on the headpost; no although not if Ares got his way.
Calling Captain Subtext; ?
Twisted history; Xena refers to Hector, Achilles and Agamemnon from the siege of Troy although we later discover this is still going on at the time and the latter was supposed to have survived (and Hercules to have died long before)
Bodycount;
Xena; 16
Notes; actually the first time we ever see Kevin Smith as the human form of Ares, much like Rene and Lucy he'd previously played a different character on Hercules, his half brother Iphicles. Ares would be the most popular non regular character in the Xenaverse, appearing in dozens of eps of Xena, Hercules and even Young Hercules. The villagers manner of executing murderers is all the more interesting when you consider the "Gabdrag" from 'The Bitter Suite'. Xena's moment of clarity is when she accidentally hits Gabby, without her as her moral yardstick you'd think she'd go the same way as Draco and Marcus.
7/10.
An old flame
1 May 2021
Warning: Spoilers
The Good; Gabby and Xena walking into the tavern and not having any problem finding a table is a hoot. The Marcus/Xena romance is fun as is the Gabby and the Prince double act. Xena is very credible relying on her prior bad reputation, blaming Draco for spreading rumours about her and that she took him on because he threatened her mother.
The Bad; nothing much, just meanders along a bit. The show is always more fun when Xena and Gabby are together.
Best lines-(Gabby looks outraged when the prince makes an 'offer')-Xena; "Not THAT kind of offer Gabrielle".
Xena cliches; firebreathing again and a hot tub!
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1 Fire-breathing; 2, Hot tub; 2 (counting the one in Hercules she used to seduce Iolaus).
Notches on the headpost; not yet but Xena and Marcus get all kissy,
Calling Captain Subtext; Xena-"I'm getting in, getting the girl and getting out" (well, what we all aspire to).
Twisted history;?
Bodycount; 2 more for Xena, her slitting Mussentias' throat with the Chakran is surprisingly bloody.
Xena; 16
Notes; the first time we see that Argo is not just your average horse, able to follow Xena's commands with incredible intelligence. The horned hat sentry at the arsenal now reminds me of the famous rioter from the storming of the capitol. Like Draco, Marcus tried to give up the warlord life but there was no going back for him (maybe if he'd had a Gabby to aid him?). Gabby quotes Cool Hand Luke. I'd forgotten that Gabby never actually meets Marcus? We have the Xena dirge at Marcus' funeral for the first time.
6/10.
The Bad; nothing much, just meanders along a bit. The show is always more fun when Xena and Gabby are together.
Best lines-(Gabby looks outraged when the prince makes an 'offer')-Xena; "Not THAT kind of offer Gabrielle".
Xena cliches; firebreathing again and a hot tub!
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1 Fire-breathing; 2, Hot tub; 2 (counting the one in Hercules she used to seduce Iolaus).
Notches on the headpost; not yet but Xena and Marcus get all kissy,
Calling Captain Subtext; Xena-"I'm getting in, getting the girl and getting out" (well, what we all aspire to).
Twisted history;?
Bodycount; 2 more for Xena, her slitting Mussentias' throat with the Chakran is surprisingly bloody.
Xena; 16
Notes; the first time we see that Argo is not just your average horse, able to follow Xena's commands with incredible intelligence. The horned hat sentry at the arsenal now reminds me of the famous rioter from the storming of the capitol. Like Draco, Marcus tried to give up the warlord life but there was no going back for him (maybe if he'd had a Gabby to aid him?). Gabby quotes Cool Hand Luke. I'd forgotten that Gabby never actually meets Marcus? We have the Xena dirge at Marcus' funeral for the first time.
6/10.
Melding 3 myths into one.
27 April 2021
Warning: Spoilers
The Good; Xena dancing and the endgame of toss the baby, the music very reminiscent of the chase through Cairo scene in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'.
The Bad; does Nemo really have to be quite so obviously villainous? Couldn't he be genuinely trying to help his king?
Best lines-Xena; "He belongs with his mother" (a line which has much more impact when we consider later revelations).
Plus-Xena; "Hope has been and always will be safe, within every one of us".
Xena cliches; Xena puts the pinch on the innkeeper. We have the first of many traitorous aides.
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1
Calling Captain Subtext; Gabby and Xena just stumble across a baby to raise as their own, the lesbian dream (in the days before IVF).
Twisted history; actually some dispute as to whether Pandora had a box at all, the Greek translation is 'container' so it may actually have been some form of jar? The rest of the story is fairly accurate in terms of the grandmother at least. We also have the biblical legend of Moses and Oedipus which the writers seem very fond of.
Bodycount; Nemos and 6 guards killed by Xena
Xena; 14
Notes; Here we have Falefal, the recurring street vendor comic relief from Hercules who'll pop up quite a few times over the series. I did actually have a dancing Xena doll but eventually gave it away to my niece. Xena's strapless top doesn't half make her look like Wonder Woman, not to mention her skill in dismissing the King's dog. First time Xena uses her whip to the fetishist's delight. Xena actually congratulates Gabby on her "Good work" in finding a way into the castle. Xena does the catch the sword with your hands trick several years before Buffy does it in 'Becoming'.
Now of course when we find out about Solan we understand exactly why Xena takes such exception to Gabby wondering what sort of mother would abandon her baby? This obviously cuts close to home for her.
6/10.
The Bad; does Nemo really have to be quite so obviously villainous? Couldn't he be genuinely trying to help his king?
Best lines-Xena; "He belongs with his mother" (a line which has much more impact when we consider later revelations).
Plus-Xena; "Hope has been and always will be safe, within every one of us".
Xena cliches; Xena puts the pinch on the innkeeper. We have the first of many traitorous aides.
The pinch; 2 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1 Traitorous aide; 1
Calling Captain Subtext; Gabby and Xena just stumble across a baby to raise as their own, the lesbian dream (in the days before IVF).
Twisted history; actually some dispute as to whether Pandora had a box at all, the Greek translation is 'container' so it may actually have been some form of jar? The rest of the story is fairly accurate in terms of the grandmother at least. We also have the biblical legend of Moses and Oedipus which the writers seem very fond of.
Bodycount; Nemos and 6 guards killed by Xena
Xena; 14
Notes; Here we have Falefal, the recurring street vendor comic relief from Hercules who'll pop up quite a few times over the series. I did actually have a dancing Xena doll but eventually gave it away to my niece. Xena's strapless top doesn't half make her look like Wonder Woman, not to mention her skill in dismissing the King's dog. First time Xena uses her whip to the fetishist's delight. Xena actually congratulates Gabby on her "Good work" in finding a way into the castle. Xena does the catch the sword with your hands trick several years before Buffy does it in 'Becoming'.
Now of course when we find out about Solan we understand exactly why Xena takes such exception to Gabby wondering what sort of mother would abandon her baby? This obviously cuts close to home for her.
6/10.
Trippy time!
26 April 2021
Warning: Spoilers
The Good; Xena gets dreamy and it's all for the best, presaging Alti by some years. We have the first of the Gabby/Xena reluctant training dynamic and her blood innocence concept. Love the breast dagger which will return later. Xena is confronted by her past victims just as Callisto and Livia will later be.
The Bad; we never see Morpheus again? How does Xena expect the blind ex-priest to lead her to the castle?
Best lines; Xena (of a suddenly more buxom Gabrielle) "You look...bigger?"
and "You didn't find a sorcerer to enlarge your motives?"
Xena cliches; our first Xena doppelganger The pinch; 1 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1
Calling Captain Subtext; Gabby "It's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough"
Twisted history; ?
Bodycount; one bandit and 5 of Morpheus' guards for Xena Xena; 7
Notes; Gabby was born with 6 toes on one foot, a bit of trivia that was always great for Xena quiz games (most people guess one of the Olympians due to their epic inbreeding or Joxer out of pure spite). First onscreen credit for Polly Baigent, LL's stand in who will recur in a couple of roles throughout the series.
7/10.
The Bad; we never see Morpheus again? How does Xena expect the blind ex-priest to lead her to the castle?
Best lines; Xena (of a suddenly more buxom Gabrielle) "You look...bigger?"
and "You didn't find a sorcerer to enlarge your motives?"
Xena cliches; our first Xena doppelganger The pinch; 1 Village threatened by warlord; 2 Xena wounded; 1 Xena doppelganger; 1
Calling Captain Subtext; Gabby "It's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough"
Twisted history; ?
Bodycount; one bandit and 5 of Morpheus' guards for Xena Xena; 7
Notes; Gabby was born with 6 toes on one foot, a bit of trivia that was always great for Xena quiz games (most people guess one of the Olympians due to their epic inbreeding or Joxer out of pure spite). First onscreen credit for Polly Baigent, LL's stand in who will recur in a couple of roles throughout the series.
7/10.
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