fasc Reviews

An American Carol (2008)

Not bad... not great

[6/10 · 4 October 2008]

Knowing that generally Conservatives tend to think more than feel, and that comedy (especially ribald) is the realm of emotion, I went to this film not expecting a whole lot. I got about what I expected.

It could have done so much more than it did by illustrating instead of explaining the absurdities of the political left. There's an award show scene where announcers declare their dislike of wealth and elitism and opposition to world hunger while attendees bask in jewelry and dine on giant lobsters--that was good. Another scene portrays the ACLU (always a ripe target for ridicule) getting blown up by various soldiers defending... the Ten Commandments (the Constitution would have been better).

Still, it's a good start for what will hopefully be a string of Conservative films once they get thru their growing pains. Give it a look if you want to one day say "I was there when it started."

The Andromeda Strain (2008)

Silly

[1/10 · 26 May 2008]

Curious...

1) Why would a highly-classified government agency, under military purview and overseen by a four star general, give this degree of access to what are clearly anti-government civilians--including one with a known tie to a conspiracy nut in the media--AND give them unrestricted communication to the outside world?

2) Especially since the government is willing to covertly murder civilians to protect the project.

3) How can a helicopter fly as fast an an F-16?

4) How do you get a team composed of EXACTLY one Asian, one Latino, one African-American, one white woman and one homosexual?

...and that's just the first hour. It just doesn't pass the common sense test.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

Huh?

[5/10 · 29 December 2007]

By my count, there were at least half a dozen human story lines that belonged in a teenage drama, and one half-thought science-fiction action film tossed in between the various soap operas. Too many side characters and subplots (failed romance, town bullies, family conflicts, etc.) distracted significantly from why I went to this movie. Even my lads, who love anything with explosions and aliens, were wondering when we were going to get to the good parts. The pre-coda resolution ("Mommy!") was so ham-handed that even my 12yo was rolling his eyes in disbelief.

Apart from the excessive subplots, there was also the issue of going too far. For the first time we see a preteen get face-hugged and killed by an embryonic alien, which is just plain bad taste. I'm sure it's meant to set the stage "we're not pulling any punches here," but the previously mentioned subplots knock the wind out of that premise. Later, the Predalien lays eggs inside a pregnant woman which magically erupt into alien larvae within minutes. The result is a bland enterprise punctuated by grotesque but ultimately tasteless violence against children--born and unborn.

Third, the whole thing seems rushed. From the instantaneous birth and maturity of the various aliens to the underdeveloped subplots, there's just too much going too fast. The coda at the end with Mme. Yutani is more poor attempt at salvage than ominous foreshadow.

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

Resident Evil: Jumping the Shark

[3/10 · 23 September 2007]

The increasingly tired premise of a zombie-producing virus has been around for some years, having replaced the seductive living dead mystery of prior generations. I don't expect much of horror films, but I expect more than this. RE:E is just silly.

The cast is all here: evil corporation, out-of-control scientist, hapless minions who get locked in with the experiments gone wrong, multicultural gang of human fugitives strangely dressed in skimpy clothing and carrying military grade technology, etc. The story is advanced, but only in the direction of absurdity. Alice is still alive, but this time it would appear she's an android not only with superhuman agility and strength, but also with the ability to shut down satellites in space using her mind. She's always been one. And if that wasn't enough, she's also psychic--with the ability to generate force fields around herself and her friends. Most of the zombies look alike this time, strangely clothed in identical gray jumpsuits. You can now kill them by cutting their throats, shooting them in the abdomen, or dropping them off short buildings.

A few dozen overly loud bangs, crashes, and gunfights later and we get a showdown between Alice and the mutated evil doctor, carried out in a bad paste of unconnected rooms from previous films.

Close on a scene with the greedy corporate suits getting a holographic warning of their impending doom from a snippy Alice, and you have a film designed to sell wholly on the game's reputation and not because it's sincerely engaging, scary, or even interesting.

PS: here's an idea for a drinking game. Every time Milla Jovovich is on screen and her face has been digitally altered to look smoother than it actually is, that's a shot.

License to Wed (2007)

The real agenda?

[3/10 · 14 July 2007]

**Potential spoilers**

What was the point of this film? It's a simple premise: if you want to get married in my church, you have to prove to me that you're ready for the big commitment. Beneath the bland and uninspired (not to mention far-fetched) plot, there's not much going on that sets it apart from previous, similar films about the troubles of two people preparing for marriage. As usual, a Robin Williams vehicle relies on his improvisation to carry most of the humor, but this just falls flat.

While others have made comments about how poorly it all came off, I was sitting there wondering if there was an alternate agenda. George Carlin played a Catholic priest as a hypocritical buffoon in Dogma, and that may have been the case with Williams here--only he goes a few steps further. Catholics are portrayed as sheep. They're utterly unconcerned about the bizarre, invasive, and downright illegal activities in which the local priest is engaging. When confronted with his having bugged the house, the good Catholic girl all but blows it off. Not only is that absurd, but it suggests that there might even be a history of his spying on the intimate lives of his parishioners, and that this is normal and acceptable.

I think this is just another hit piece against Christians, disguised as a comedy.

Happily N'Ever After (2006)

Miserably N'ever Ending...

[1/10 · 31 January 2007]

I should have seen it coming when trailers for four separate film companies scrawled across the screen before the feature began. That many cooks WILL spoil the broth.

One-quarter of the way through this film, I was ready to walk out. I kept wanting it to get better--or at least to some kind of point--but it's a cavalcade of arbitrary events, soulless heroes, un-scary villains, and incoherent pacing. And it just doesn't STOP! Sigourney Weaver screams most of her lines, the romantic subplot is clumsy and unbelievable, the humor is flatter than year-old Coke. Even the wonderfully klunky Patrick Warburton couldn't save this film.

Should be taken sparingly and only as a cure for insomnia.

xXx: State of the Union (2005)

Nice explosions!

[1/10 · 14 May 2005]

If you can get past the ridiculously absurd plot, a script written by a guy who has NO concept of what the military is like, a military prison which allows beards, a Naval officer with a lengthy criminal record who never went to college, the fact that every single person Ice Cube kills or beats up is white, the blithely ignorant-of-world-affairs idea that we need to make nice with terrorists and cut the Department of Defense ("The Military Bill"), the avalanche of clichés, trucks driving through everything from steel walls to other trucks without denting the front bumpers, the cookie cutter stereotypes, the logic-defying stunts, plot holes you could drive an aircraft carrier through, the Freudian-nightmare car worship, and Ice Cube's utterly flat acting... you get a film with a lot of really nice pyrotechnics.

Dark Water (2002)

Good, but could have pushed the envelope more

[26 November 2003]

The biggest disappointment of this film is that the trailer gives away the entire story, and the only thing that surprises is the coda.

Good visuals, tho the "turn...pause...shocked expression!" was a bit overdone. Could have used more stingers (re: the calligraphy ghost in "The Eye") and a bit more symbolism with the rain.

**Possible spoiler** The solution to the story--near the end when Mom rushes into the elevator--could have had more impact if we'd gotten some better exposition on Mom's past. My first assumption was that she was the "thinking only of herself" mother referred to earlier in the film, but the last line of the film revealed I was wrong, and that was disappointing.

I still look forward to Nakata's next offering, tho. :o)

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)

A bit too Oedipal for me.

[2 November 2003]

A.I. is a physically beautiful film, but whilst watching I was taken aback by the notion that men are bad and women are good, and fathers are the bottom of the barrel.

Firstly, almost all emotion springs from the mother while the father treats everything more mechanically than the android boy. David is presented as a gift to Monica from Henry, and Henry spends the rest of his part in the film at a distance.

There is also something uniquely disturbing when Monica bonds with David while Henry is away. It's as if to say the role of the father is immaterial. There's also a telling moment when David calls Monica 'mommy' but addresses Henry by his name.

[possible spoiler] David is further alienated when Martin returns to the fold and lies his way into getting David thrown out. Father and son collude against mother to spoil her love. Nobody asks why anything is happening, no one demands explanations, and Martin is never blamed for his rather obvious lies and set-ups.

The remainder of the film is David's quest for his mommy (what 11-yo uses that word?), through a cloying miasma of vicious, lascivious, and/or misguided men. No evil women, just men.

It's good eye-candy, but too Oedipal for my tastes.

Mary Kay Letourneau: All American Girl (2000 TV Movie)

If it were a man...

[10 August 2003]

this film would be a dark and foreboding exposé on the horrors of child-rape. But a woman having sex with a boy is some mild story about forbidden romance, handled with kid gloves and a brief nod to 'oh, the mistakes the heart makes'.

Dances with Wolves (1990)

The other one-sided story

[23 January 2003]

I have always read that Native Americans (NA) are typically portrayed as bloodthirsty savages. To which I say, where? Through most of my adult life they have been these tree-hugging, talk-to-the-animals spiritualists who can almost do no wrong. Dances With Wolves shows the warm and cuddly side of NA life, centering around the horse-culture Sioux with the occasional dabble into the raider culture of the Pawnee.

The film deifies NA culture, focusing on their spirituality and oneness with nature: the NA use all parts of the buffalo to honour the animal's spirit. The fact that they are a Cro-Magnon people who *necessarily* need food, clothing, tools and weapons is not addressed.

Dances With Wolves presents the other stereotype, but a stereotype still. Check the four-hour version if you can find it, tho. They put the deleted scenes back into the film (where all deleted scenes belong!) instead of tacked on a separate disc.

The Passion of Ayn Rand (1999 TV Movie)

Just what you'd expect

[4 January 2003]

This film was based on the memoir of the same name by Barbara Branden, and it's exactly the kind of thing you'd expect a woman to write about her husband's affair with an iconoclastic and wildly popular older woman. It's not "The story of Barbara Branden," because that would never sell.

The director stays faithful to Branden's one-dimensional portrayal of Rand as an insufferable egomaniac, crushing every innocent soul who crosses her path and taking advantage of people who are just trying to live their lives. The viewer gets spots of her philosophy here and there, but never enough to fully understand what she's talking about--just enough to convey the image of a woman who's totally convinced of her own beliefs.

The film gives few details about why Rand was such a revered philosopher, but this isn't a biography so much as the recrimination of a woman who consented to her husband's affair and then regretted it.

Battle Royale (2000)

We need more films this gutsy

[3 October 2002]

Whoa! Now here's a movie that has to be seen to be believed. This Japanese deathfest breaks one of the major rules of American films: you never show kids killing other kids (unless it's some slow-motion, lament filled moment of sadness with a 'message'). A class of 42 ninth graders is kidnapped and trapped on an abandoned island, forced to kill each other in 72 hours or they all have their throats blown out by collars that have been hermetically sealed around their necks. Why? Because teenagers are out of control and every year a group is chosen by random lot to do this. It's the adults' means of controlling them. In an age where movie makers are terrified of showing any splatter for fear of being sued by irresponsible, lazy parents when their children act out what they see in movies, this is a kick in the teeth with an iron boot.

No tricky camera work here... the hideous violence is shown in tight closeups, and you can almost feel the terror in the victim's face as violent death envelopes. Without excessive CGI & cartoonish & unstoppable villains, the film manages to make its point very well. Battle Royale is a also sharp study on the ethics of emergencies and a blistering social commentary on how quickly friendships deteriorate. My only complaint is the clichéd solution to the film, so artistically it ends on a down note. Still...

The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

Male bonding without the weeping

[9/10 · 3 October 2002]

A friend once commented that all his male friends love TtM, but no women did. Duh! So what if it's a 90-minute toy commercial with a deafening rock score? This is a GUY movie. The horrors of war contrasted with the importance of fighting for freedom, the power of courage and integrity, an ancient relic you carry as a heart, a villain that EATS PLANETS (!), and let's not forget "...when all Hell's breaking loose, you'll be right in the eye of the storm." This is one big, bad, manly movie.