Jeffrey Dean Morgan plays Clyde, a great guy and an even better basketball coach who's about to get promoted to Division I, a fact his bitch ex-wife doesn't seem to care about. All she seems to care about is any reason to pick at him, no matter how hard he tries. And his two bitchy daughters...Christ, they're not exactly a picnic, either. He hears his daughter screaming, comes running into her bedroom, and there's a cicada on her bed. "OH MY GOD, DADDY, GET RID OF IT! GET RID OF IT!" So he kills it. "DADDY! I TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF IT! NOT KILL IT!" And off she stomps in an emotional fit. His younger daughter's kind of a tree hugging vegetarian animal lover which is why his ex gets mad at him for letting his daughter eat a slice of Pepperoni WITH MEAT ON IT! OH, THE HORROR! THE TRUE HORROR OF THIS MOVIE! Of course, his little daughter doesn't like those cicadas all flying out of her mouth later in the movie, now, does she? Boy, at that moment, daddy ain't such a bad guy, now, is he? I mean, seriously, is this a horror, Lifetime, or Oxygen network movie? And man, does Kevin Bacon's wife play a bitch in this movie, I mean, I seriously wanted to strangle her at one point. Where do I begin? Pizza? Seriously, you're bitching at your ex-husband because he gave one of your daughters A SLICE OF PIZZA?!?!?? Seriously?!?!? Sorry, IMDb, for shouting, but I think it's warranted in this case. It's like Adam Carolla said in his book, we as Americans really don't have any problems anymore, so we've taken to inventing them. Hey, Kyra Sedgwick! If it's good enough for Leonardo, Rafael, Michaelangelo, and Donatello, it's good enough to be stuffed down ya daughters' troats, too, ya hea? I'm actually only halfway through this movie as I write this, I just have to take down my thoughts towards this joke of a "horror movie" before they vanish entirely. Let's see...right now, I'm at the part where the girls' parents are in the principal's office, man, I just LOVE this black chick with the penciled-in Pakled eyebrows, you guys remember the Pakleds from Star Trek: The Next Generation? They're not one of the more famous races like the Klingons and the Borg; they were those pasty white tards who stole technology from other races because they were too stupid to invent anything technological. Anyway...you know, me and Adam Carolla agree on one thing, why chicks shave off their eyebrows, pencil in fake ones, and think us dudes think that's sexy is beyond us. Maybe Cosmo told chicks to do that. Of course, the problem with Cosmo is articles on advice about men...written by women. ANYWAY...all chicks whom I've seen with shaved-off, penciled-in eyebrows have ALWAYS done it Vulcan/Romulan style--you know, starting from the inside, gradually curving upward towards the outside, you know how Vulcan and Romulan eyebrows are, right? Well, I've always seen chicks who shave off and pencil in their eyebrows do it this way...UNTIL NOW. Wow. I've never seen shaved-off penciled-in eyebrows that start at the bottom on the OUTSIDE...and gradually work their way up...and most of you have probably never seen this, either. And let me assure all of you, it is NOT a good look...not for this chick, not for ANY chick! Go to YouTube and type in Pakleds, and VOILA! That's what this chick looks like! Except she's black, not pasty white, and her Pakled eyebrows are pencil-thin, not bushy. Wow, lady...whoever did your eyebrows at that eyebrow kiosk at the mall was a Trekkie who REALLY LOVES PAKLEDS! And that's a REALLY creepy Trekkie, lemme tell ya! I mean...what kind of a Trekkie loves PAKLEDS?!?!?!?? You go to a Star Trek convention, and at least most of the nerds are TRYING to be tough, dressing up like Klingons, Romulans, and Borg
heck, even a Trekkie who goes to a convention dressed up like a Ferengi is stating they wanna be rich
"Yo yo, million poundza gold-pressed latinum, bitches!!" "Has anyone EVER seen a Trekkie at a Star Trek convention dressed up like a Pakled??!?!!? NO!!!! But clearly, this eyebrow shopping mall kiosk worker REALLY wanted this gal to have penciled-in pencil-thin Pakled eyebrows. All this chick needs to do is throw on some whiteface, go to a Spencers and get some Gary Busey buckteeth, throw on a brown sackcloth and VOILA! Instant Pakled!!! You're ready for the convention!! Ma'am, I'm sure you're a very nice person in real life, but that shopping mall eyebrow kiosk worker REALLY did you wrong by telling you that was a hot look. You should go back to that shopping mall eyebrow kiosk and have that worker fired. Seriously, I've got her faced paused on my TV screen right now as I write this. And if you do the same, go to YouTube, type in Pakleds, and I KNOW you're cracking up thinking of me! OK
now I'm looking at Brenda Crichlow's IMDb page, and her eyebrows look splendid
good for you, Brenda, you went to the eyebrow kiosk at the mall across town, screw that Pakled eyebrow kiosk! You go, girl! OK
time to watch the rest of the movie so I can ramble on even longer than I already have
be back soon
Now the same daughter who yelled at daddy for killing that cicada...the Dibbuk is about to kill her, and now she's on her cellphone saying, "Hurry, Daddy!" I tell ya, this good guy just can't catch a break, can he?
Wow. Seriously? He takes his ex back at the end? Really? After how crappy she treated him? Folks, seriously
there are scary parts in the movie
but being scared was not something I was capable of. Instead of fear, I was too busy feeling anger towards the emasculating women in this movie course through my veins. And you will, too
so do yourselves all a favor and skip this.
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