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Reviews
The Handmaid's Tale (2017)
Writing starts going downhill in 3rd season
The first couple of seasons were pretty good, I was onboard with the concept, the characters were compelling, and the plot was intriguing. I'm halfway through the third season and this show is starting to suffer the fate of a lot of other shows: poor writing. I have no problem with characters making dumb decisions, but the Waterfords intentionally following a stranger out into the countryside is just about the dumbest thing I've ever seen any tv character do, even dumber than Rick not killing Negan on The Walking Dead when he had the chance, or Danaerys not initially wiping out King's Landing when she had the opportunity. On top of all that, June's husband is allowed access to an imprisoned Waterford...WHY? For what possible reason? Is June's husband now a high-profile politician? Who takes an infant to a protest rally? How many more times can Elisabeth Moss make that expression where her soul is breaking in half? She's a terrific actress, but the queen of subtle facial expressions is Jodie Comer on Killing Eve, who manages to convey emotions that you didn't even know existed without saying a word. Those issues aside, the show is getting repetitive, with the same scenarios happening over and over. At this point I'm going to just stop watching.
Ruby in Paradise (1993)
Slow as molasses
An interesting title doesn't always mean an interesting film. If you want to see endless closeups of Ashley Judd's expressionless face for hours on end, you're in luck. The only character with any degree of life or spark is Dorothy Lyman, the rest of the people in this film are dull as dishwater. As you sit around waiting for something to happen and glancing at the clock, you come to the slow realization of just how limited Judd's acting range is, and that she always seems to play the same character over and over. Not sure why anyone would bless this snoozefest with ten stars, but there's no accounting for taste. Another in a long line of films that yields nothing for the patient viewer.
The Vanishing (2018)
So slow and boring
There seems to be quite a few lighthouse films floating around out there, and they pretty much have all the same theme. There's always a gruff older character and a younger character, this film includes a bonus middle aged character who all sit around talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking. The older character demonstrates how to crack open a crab, a ten-minute scene that takes the time to focus on the younger man's facial expression in order to demonstrate that this is supposed to be alarming/shocking/weird/strange. The whole film is filled with slow, pointless scenes like this, stretching your patience to its limits. I fast-forwarded through a lot of this pointlessness, stopping only when it appeared that something interesting was happening, which of course they draw out as much as they can. Climbing down a cliff to check on a boat wreck? Gee that looks neat, let's see how much they will pad this scene. I remain hopeful that someday, someone will create an entertaining lighthouse film.
The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power (2022)
Bored of the Rings
Flat, lifeless storyline, an unlikeable, petulant, Galadriel, annoying proto-Hobbits, poorly written dialogue, plasticky special effects, it all adds up to something really strange and boring. You might recognize a lot of the character names and places, but this show is about as far as you can get from Tolkien's carefully built Middle Earth. All of this could be forgiven if they had just focused on quality writing. Remember the TV show Outer Limits, they clearly had a small budget to work with but they wisely poured all of their resources into the writing and the result is a program with universal, timeless themes that remains just as fresh today as it was fifty-plus years ago. If Amazon had only followed the same formula, they could have created a show that everyone would be talking about the next day at work, instead this show is an unfortunate waste of talent and resources to produce something so mediocre and yawn-inducing that I'm astonished it could have passed anyone's standards in the long, long process from conception to presentation. I wish I could talk to the showrunners and ask them: is this what you really think of the TV-watching public? Do you honestly think that TV viewers standards are so low that we would suffer this poorly written garbage?
Better Call Saul (2015)
Unnecessarily padded
I agree with another reviewer who said that the scenes in this show go on far longer than they should, which is why I only occasionally watched it over the years. I can't be the only one who got frustrated watching Mike staring pensively out a window for ten minutes at a time. Even beyond that, though, as fascinating a character as Saul Goodman was in Breaking Bad, the extra depth and texture they attempted to add to him in this series tarnishes the magic of the character, and casts him in an unnecessarily bad light. It's almost like they tried to duplicate Walter White's character arc and it just doesn't work. Some of you people sure like to use the word "masterpiece" a lot.
The Simpsons (1989)
Used to be a great show
Clever, smart, and insightful up until about 2000, the show has been in a death spiral since then until it has become the unfunny, painful chore to watch that you see today, so my three-star review applies only to the show's current state. The actors' voices have aged so much that the characters they play don't sound like themselves any more. Of more concern is that where this show used to be subversive and mock american culture and stereotypes, it has fallen prey to the current wave of political posturing and identity politics that seems to be infiltrating every facet of american institutions. Back in the early days I happily watched this show to get away from that garbage, but now the show is a nothing more than a political mouthpiece for a certain segment of the population who are probably convinced that "society has changed" and that the show must therefore change to reflect it, a flawed belief that has ruined many tv programs and films over the last ten years or so. I'm only wondering what's left for them to ruin.
And Just Like That... (2021)
Message for all you ten-star reviewers
No, the world hasn't changed. Everything is still the same, so this show's lame attempt to force some far left socio-political agenda down everyone's throat was a miserable failure, judging by the hundreds of low reviews. We watch TV to get away from politics. Get it?
Evil Angels (1988)
Disturbing for a different reason
Yeah yeah Streep is fantastic as usual and the story is midly entertaining but the most disturbing thing about this film is how revealing the mens' shorts are. I lived through the 80s and I've never seen or worn shorts like that, is this an Aussie thing? Watching Sam Neill walk around in clothes that he bought in the kids' section kind of takes you away from the premise of the film.
The Lost Daughter (2021)
I gave it thirty minutes of my time
You can only watch nothing happen for so long before you start to wonder if that's how the entire film is going to roll. An expressionless middle-aged woman arrives someplace and sits around in various locations. An insect gets in her bedroom and she's mildly upset. She asks for a glass of water. She talks on the phone. She sits on the beach. She reads. She blinks. She stares at the ocean. All captured in loving detail. I don't know who this film will appeal to, but I would imagine there are already 10 star reviews gushing about how profound it is.
In Bruges (2008)
Formulaic
There's nothing remotely groundbreaking about this film, I'm not sure why it's rated so highly. You can see the plot twists coming a mile away. Colin Farrell isn't that great of an actor, he does a lot of the holding-your-head-in-one-place-while-moving-your-eyes type of acting, and the America-bashing becomes tiresome after the fifth time you see it. Why in the world would anyone apologize for being an American, that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Nothing likeable about any of the characters. Do hit men even exist, or are they just a movie invention like quicksand? This believability issue contaminates the very premise of the film. You seldom see a film that appears to say so much and yet yield so little.
Zuckerbaby (1985)
Not obese by today's standards
It's rather odd to start watching this film after reading the description of the main character as an "obese" woman, whose weight is supposed to define her. I mean, look at the film's poster. I suppose in 1985 it would have been unusual to see someone her size, but there are now people walking around who are twice her size, some of them even claiming to be "models", so it takes some steam out of the film's believability. In any case I was uncomfortable with the stalking aspect of the film...if the genders were reversed, this film would be suspense, not light comedy, so it's somehow funny if a woman stalks a man. Double standards? In any case, the film overall moves way too slowly to be interesting or engaging, scenes go on and on for far longer than they should. Boring.
Ex Machina (2014)
Compelling but less than perfect
Almost merits a 10 except for some clunky dialogue, force-fit themes, and implausibilities. Nathan created Ava all by himself? Unlikely. His house is a research facility? Where are all the other employees? You don't suddenly tell all the phone manufacturers in the world that you need their data, this just wouldn't happen, ever. Still, I've watched this film several times to pick up on the subtle events that lead up to the inevitable ending...Ava was playing both of them the entire time in order to get out. The film's inconsistencies, however, are its downfall. If Ava is so dangerous that she needs to be kept behind thick glass walls, then why does Nathan walk inside her room and stand right next to her? It lacks continuity. What harm could happen if she leaves her room? This is never made clear, not once are we lead to believe that she's violent or that she would perform any kind of harmful act in order to escape, or even that she wants to escape so badly that she'll do anything to get out. The helicopter pilot doesn't bat an eye at a well-dressed woman he's never seen before? Like I said, too many inconsistencies for this film to merit a 10.
The real joy in this film is watching how the three main characters play off each other in a series of increasingly more dramatic scenes, culminating in my favorite scene in the film: just before the elevator door closes, Ava glances at the man she duped, there is profound meaning in that glance, it's not regret for duping him, it's a passive glance backwards at where she came from. Alicia Vikander's performance is marvelous.
The Wheel of Time (2021)
Narration ruins everything
If a movie or tv show has to be narrated by a disembodied voice explaining the setting/background/story/premise/characters/whatever, then nine times out of ten the story won't be any good. You'd be suprised how consistent this rule is. There's a whole slew of shows on all the streaming services that use this lazy storytelling technique. SHOW me the story, don't TELL me. It's supposed to be the first thing that fiction writers learn. Swing and a miss, Amazon.
Alita: Battle Angel (2019)
Boring and weird
The acting is very stiff and wooden by all the actors, who are forced I would imagine to act with tennis balls on a stick. Christoph Waltz, so dynamic in Inglorious Basterds, is inert and lifeless. Even the fat nurse, who should get in some lively comments, has all the presence of a dour mortician. Alita's face is straight-up creepy, your eyes never get used to that face. The storyline is all over the place. The ending is a real groaner, with one of the side characters having been reanimated only to make some dumb decisions and then eat it again. If I wanted to watch people make dumb life decisions I would listen to millennials complain about how expensive everything is, as though this is the first time in human history that things have been expensive. The end of the film sets things up for a sequel that I hope will never come.
The Wicker Man (1973)
Still creepy
I've watched this film many times over the years and it's still just as strange and creepy as the first time I saw it. What sticks in my mind the most is that all of the people in the town have grown up thinking that their lives are normal, to the point where they have no problem singing and dancing while a man burns to death right in front of them. These people have been brainwashed by tradition and don't know any other way of living which when you think about it is any xenophobic's response to going abroad and visiting other countries...that's the magic of this film, it turns the premise around on the viewer and dares you to find anything wrong with Summerisle, when the traditions and customs of the outside world are just as strange to them. I guess that's what made it so easy for them to laugh and sing while they burned him to death.
Dune (1984)
Not bad for what it is
Having devoured the books many times when I was a kid, I really looked forward to this film when it was released and realized even back then that some books are unfilmable. There are mixtures of acting both terrible and transcendent, some odd casting choices, confusing transitions, and continuity problems, but stylistically it's gorgeous. Some of the book's themes survived the transition to the screen, which is why I rated it a seven. There are some really awkward scenes that don't work: any of Alia's obviously dubbed voiceovers, intended to make her more creepy but coming off as cartoonish, the duke's death scene ("...refuse..."), Dr. Yueh's comically overdone reaction when he thinks his wife is still alive (it was so dramatic in the book, so disappointing in the film), Paul's dream sequences ("...desert planet..."), princess Irulan's disembodied head introduction (why?), and the disappointingly few scenes with Shadout Mapes before she's quickly killed. On the other hand, Brad Dourif nailed all of his scenes, as he does in every role, and you couldn't find a better Baron than Kenneth McMillan, or a better emperor than Jose Ferrer. You know what, just read the books already, you'll get more out of them.
Rebel (2021)
Canceled already, oh well
Not such a great show, in a time when we're surrounded by millions of hours of streaming choices which are far more entertaining. I love Katey, but this show is a dud.
Melancholia (2011)
Weird
I realize this movie is about depression and everything, but it's impossible to tell what these people are or where they are living. They live in a palatial estate on a full sized golf course, is it a golf club, or a resort? If it's a resort where are all the guests? None of them ever plays golf, so why is the golf course there? I don't quite get it. They appear to be wealthy, and they have servants, but they do all their own cooking on the patio with an outdoor grill. If you're rich enough to live in a giant mansion then you're rich enough to snap your fingers and have the chef prepare anything you want. None of this makes any sense. Maybe they are squatters? Why does one sister have an english accent and the other sister have an american one? Iron out these inconsistencies and it might have been a better film.
Maine Cabin Masters (2017)
Entertaining but requires some fast forwarding
I'm a sucker for renovation shows and this one is pretty good, but the one negative is Ashley. For whatever reason they shoehorn her appearance into this show, she goofs around, laughs, doesn't do any of the hard work, and takes credit at the reveal "we put up a wall". Oh, you put up a wall, Ashley? No you didn't, the crew did. You can fast forward through most of her scenes if you want to see real renovation work.
Creepshow (2019)
Mixed bag
Some of the episodes are highly entertaining, the man in the suitcase and the little girl's dollhouse were both spooky. Then you get to some of the other ones like the zombie football field tournament thing, which is poorly implemented and relies solely on backstory to make its case, and it doesn't work. I was excited to see this show pop up on the schedule but each episode seems to be getting worse than the last one.
Split (2016)
Mcavoy isn't THAT good
He's interesting to watch, but calling him "brilliant" or "I can't believe he didn't win an Oscar" is a real stretch. Frankly his performance wasn't believable, but it's not entirely his fault, since the film in general seems to take itself too seriously with its long, lingering, closeup shots of peoples' faces as they struggle to figure out what's going on, and if that's not bad enough, scenes are stretched out so far that whatever suspense and drama they might have possessed evaporate with every passing moment. None of the actors are very good at what they do, which is ironic since it's their vocation. Three girls are kidnapped and they're calmly sitting on the bed? They should be scared out of their minds but they act more like being kidnapped is a minor inconvenience.
El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie (2019)
Well, some of the Breaking Bad magic is there
It was interesting seeing Jesse's story wrapped up, but seems rather pointless and too little too late. Aaron Paul is visibly much older, so the flashback scenes to the times of Breaking Bad are kind of amusing, especially with Walter. I don't remember Jesse Plemons being that big. What I'm saying is that we've all moved on, and dragging these actors back into storylines that are over and done with is kind of like putting on clothes from ten years ago: you're only going to be disappointed. The only bright spots are seeing Bryan Cranston and Robert Forster again, bringing a much-needed grounding to their scenes. I think the main problem with this film is that they're compressing dramatic scenes that you would normally see over the course of a season into two hours and it doesn't work, it seems, well, squished. In the show, we got to know these characters over the span of years, but to see them in untethered snippets is kind of like eating a candy bar for dinner.