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Pet Sematary: Bloodlines (2023)
2 Stars for Strong Start
So disappointing. After a fairly strong start that promised new canon for this great concept, the last half of the movie devolved into a trite, cliched run from the monster pattern.
Plot holes everywhere, a wasted David Duchovny appearance, and characters doing ridiculous things. If you can just shoot the returned in the eyes to kill them, why burn down the house? And if the house is on fire, why the hell would you go into the basement?
Sadly, the whole thing feels very lazy, rushed, and put together at the last minute. I don't believe I saw Stephen King's name anywhere except that the story was based on his idea. His absence is keenly felt.
Phantasm: Ravager (2016)
Phantasm 6: The Apology
Of course there will never be another Phantasm, but if it were made, maybe the behind-the-scenes pholks could start off by apologizing for squandering one of the greatest casts in movie history in this wandering loser of a movie. The boys and the Tall Man all were on hand, but somehow got sidelined in phavor of some inexplicable and unwanted extras. WTP would anyone think Phans would want to see new characters when the old guard was ready to phinish off the scariest and most inventive movie series in history? Reggie could have pulled the brothers back from the brink of insanity. They could have phinally explained the Tall Man's mission. They could have explained what really happened to Jody and his parents. They could have rescued the compressed corpses from redworld. So much wasted potential... Throw in the fortune teller for phun.
As the moved droned randomly on and on, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. What were they thinking?
How It Ends (2018)
Generic Review for a Generic Movie
The movie starts. Stereotypical action movie people argue over contrived family disagreements. There's some kind of big mysterious disaster. People split up to go rescue other people driving a car, which crashes and then gets fixed. Then other stuff happens. Other people show up and then disappear. More stuff happens for no apparent reason. People do things which don't really make sense. More stuff happens. It's been an hour into this movie, and it will occur to you that you're only about halfway through. Your mind will drift to other more enjoyable things you could be doing.
More stuff happens. Unbelievable plot conveniences fill the movie. A romantic triangle including an out-of-nowhere character is hinted at, then quickly discarded, even though no backstory or dramatic support exists.
The movie ends on a boldly generic note so that a sequel can be made. The only winner here is Forrest Whitaker, who wisely has himself written out of the movie.
Dragged Across Concrete (2018)
Despicable.
Oh, this movie... take two police officers who unapologetically embody the absolute worst aspects of modern law enforcement, clumsily add some Pulp Fiction vibes, throw in a little right-wing hyperviolence, and then expect the viewer to not hate them.
Of course, the lead characters in a movie need not be heroic and 100% good in order to be interesting, but those characters also have to actually BE interesting via good writing. Mr. Gibson's character is given a very irritating and unearned ability to assign percentages to any situation.
Finally, add in stark footage of an innocent woman, taken hostage and forced to urinate on herself. There's a place for dark drama, but it has to lead the viewer somewhere worthwhile in the end. The title is fitting, as I definitely felt like I had been dragged across concrete. Don't waste your time. Mr. Gibson - please rehabilitate yourself. I loved you in all three MM movies. Your acting skills are powerful. Do better.
The 5th Wave (2016)
Great clips on YouTube...
... do not necessarily add up to a great movie. Predictable, clichéd, and riddled with a ridiculous amount of plot convenience twists. There are far too many moments where the stars are in danger and "something" pops out of nowhere and saves them at the last minute.
The aliens clearly have the technology and capability of wiping out humanity from orbit, but for some reason they put an incompetent colonel in charge of a ground attack using children as soldiers. They consistently make stupid choices, which conveniently aid our heroes in surviving, and ultimately getting the upper hand against the entire compromise military complex.
Throw in a couple of goofy romances between characters we don't really know and the ultimate movie cliché: that love is the key to everything.
Watch those cool clips on YouTube, but don't waste your time watching the entire movie. You'll regret it.
Cleaner (2007)
Falls apart in the third act
Oh, this movie. Such a promising start. Samuel L Jackson, as a crime scene cleaner. It's actually quite interesting to hear him narrate what he's doing, his home life is also portrayed interestingly. He has a history which we get to find out about.
Unfortunately, the obligatory twist ending is ridiculous. Two characters who have had zero interaction throughout the first half of the movie are somehow intertwined. It's stinks of someone trying to emulate M night Shyamalan.
Do yourself a favor and find a good documentary about crime scene cleaners. It's much more captivating than watching this disappointing movie.
Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)
Worse Than Boring
Ah, this film... Looking back, it would've been much better had I stared at a wall or graphic pictures of crime scenes for two hours. I suppose there is room in the universe for a movie like this: Two hours of nonstop A/V assault on the viewer. A thin plot, endlessly restated.
Heed my warning, gentle viewer. Set aside two hours of your life for literally any other purpose. Meditate. Pet a dog. Do the dishes. Read to blind orphans. Then congratulate yourself for dodging the bullet that is this movie.
Do not, under any circumstances, watch this movie. I do not believe any of the people who birthed this movie are inherently evil or beyond redemption, but they need to seriously reexamine why they are on this earth.
The Visit (2015)
Very, very, scary
I'm not sure why anyone would rate this below an eight on the scary scale. There is a ton of tension built up, extremely creepy images, and a terrifying ending that will surprise you. I will echo what someone else said about the rapping.
The child actors were endearing, and did a great job with some emotional heavy lifting without resorting to stereotypes or overacting. The adult actors will give you nightmares.
The plot creates a very believable situation in which two young people might find themselves. We know that creepy children can be very terrifying. This movie shows that old people can be just as frightening.
You won't see it coming.
A Song Is Born (1948)
The Music is Great, but...
This movie is greatly enhanced by the unbelievable musical talent on display - a time capsule, a love letter from the 40s. But don't be fooled, even without that music, this would still be a lovely, enjoyable movie with great character development, zany bit players (such as the delightful Ms. Totten) and a story arc that takes both main characters back and forth from fish out of water to cozy together. There's not a thing about this movie that's not lovable and satisfying.
Reminiscence (2021)
Mortgage payment for hugh Jackman
I think Hugh Jackman is a really cool dude, but this movie is an absolute disaster. I know we all have bills to pay but an ounce of artistic integrity would have made this movie a complete impossibility. This is a movie that makes you angry when you watch it because it app makes absolutely no sense of any kind that is obviously a special effects vehicle. Please don't waste your time.
Us (2019)
Not in Any Way a Good Movie
How disappointing... despite some creepy moments, this is the rare movie that actually made me angry by being so utterly pointless. Please don't watch this - watch "Get Out", any of the Conjuring series, or even a few episodes of the Three Stooges.
The Taking (2014)
Alternate Working Title
In an interesting bit of trivia, this movie was initially called " The Taking of 90 Minutes of Your Life."
Lights Out (2016)
Very scary
This is avery well_crafted and SCARY movie. In a universe of boring cookie cutter horror movies, this is an inventive and frightening movie with appealling characters and effective special effects. Watch it.