TheSchinppenSchnaff Reviews

Knowing (2009)

I liked everything except for the clumsy symbology

[7/10 · 17 October 2020]

This movie is over a decade all, everything that needs to be said about it's production, cast, script, acting, etc, has already been said.

I enjoyed it for the most part. I just felt the symbolism was clumsy. I don't think you can mix Sci-fi Noah's arc with allusions to sci-fi Genesis. The stories and meaning behind the two stories are at ends with the idea that Aliens have come to save the human race from extinction. Made no sense.

Stay Out Stay Alive (2019)

Worth a watch

[6/10 · 14 October 2020]

The acting was a little subpar.

The script was a little unpolished.

There were sudden scene changes that were probably meant to convey some sort of symbolic meaning, but were just difficult to follow.

It was shot really well. The lighting and cinematography were really engaging.

The story was interesting.

Not the greatest film, but not terrible. If you like scary movies, it's worth a watch.

Black Water: Abyss (2020)

Boring CGI crocodile hunts boring actors

[2/10 · 30 September 2020]

This move was dreadful. A complete waste of time. The CGI monster was laughable. Don't bother watching this.

12 Strong (2018)

Awesome throwback to 80s action

[9/10 · 22 September 2020]

This movie is getting so much hate for being an ol' fashioned American action movie.

Yes, there were some cheesy moments, but that's part of the fun.

Guns blazing, bombs dropping, bodies piling, and a lot of hammy lines about duty and honour. That's what an action film should be.

I think they did really well in depicting the hell the Afgani people went through under the Taliban.

I think they did well to capture the weight of the war on the American psyche in 2001.

If you like action movies, you'll love this.

House Shark (2017)

SELF-AWARE, NONSTOP HILARITY!

[10/10 · 14 September 2020]

I was expecting a shoe-string budget horror. I got 104 minutes of laughter.

The movie doesn't take itself seriously and goes as far as possible to push the most preposterous, unhinged silliness that could fit into the frame.

Everything is a parody on top of a parody. For example, Captain Robert Shaw (Jaws) is parodied by Abraham Lincoln who is playing a parody of Captain Ahab from Moby Dick - pure unhinged genius.

If I could ever make a movie, I would want to make a movie like this!

Must watch!

10 out of 10!

He's Out There (2018)

What happened?

[4/10 · 14 August 2020]

Great art, great lead - Yvonne, great scenes, truly ominous build up and then you spend the last hour regretting that you have to see the film to the end.

Plot holes are jarring.

Antagonist is boring.

There are some great little twists on standard horror tropes, but nothing to pull you out of the ennui of being subjected to this film.

Don't bother unless you can enjoy looking at a pretty blond for an hour and a laf. About the only good thing this film has to offer.

The House on Pine Street (2015)

Points for originality!

[7/10 · 16 July 2020]

It's so rare to find a original ideas in indi horror movies. This is a real gem.

No silly jump scares, but pure tension that builds up throughout the movie.

Psychological horror is the hardest thing to pull off well, and this director nailed it!

No silly ghost lore or demons, just constant guessing - is she being haunted, or is she insane.

Well acted, well written, well cast, well done.

If you want something that differs from the norm, definitely check out this film.

The Night Clerk (2020)

When a movie is destroyed in editing...

[5/10 · 3 July 2020]

Original, interesting, quirky story with a relatively accurate portrayal of autism. All this makes for compelling stuff, but this movie was clearly killed in the editing room.

Odd cuts in dialogue, strange pacing and a strange ambiguity where inappropriate make it clear that a lot of cut out of this movie.

The ending is mostly likely not what was originally intended, as it makes no sense in the context of the final scene.

I love John Leguizamo, but he is either not suited to this kind of movie, or he needs a different type of director.

It's worth a watch, but you'll probably be disappointed.

The Clovehitch Killer (2018)

Underwhelming

[2/10 · 2 July 2020]

The acting was so subdued that nothing was believable. The script and story were poorly thought out.

The murder scene was so underwhelming that it was beyond disappointing.

Everything about this movie was just underwhelming and toned down as boarder on pointless.

Don't watch if your a seasoned murder mystery fan.

5 out of 10 because, like everything about this movie, it was tragically average.

Paddleton (2019)

simple, honest, powerful

[8/10 · 2 July 2020]

Two best friends embark on their final journey together. There are no twists or surprises, just the stages of grief as they march toward the end.

The acting was great, the script was believable, the cast was fantastic.

8 out of 10.

Behind You (2020)

Lazy writing on xanax

[2/10 · 1 July 2020]

This movie could have been so much more.

Great cast, believable acting, well shot, draws you in.... and then at the half way point, the whole movie seems to commit suicide.

I suspect that this was written by two different writers. Nothing else could explain the transition from good to mediocre in such a short time span.

Don't watch this.

2 out out of 10 for the cast, they did the best they could.

You Should Have Left (2020)

Why'd ya do it, Kevin?

[5/10 · 30 June 2020]

This movie sucks.

But lets start with some positives. Minimalist score was great, the child actor wasn't atrocious, the ancillary cast was good, but Kevin Bacon was fantastic. Got to hand it to him, no matter what Kevin Bacon does, he gives it his all.

Where does this movie go wrong? .. everywhere!!! You literally see everything before it happens. The writing is so lazy that it is literally cliches cocooned in cliches. You know when you're yelling at the screen to tell the actors not to do what the lazy writer says to? - that's the whole movie.

0 stars for the movie + 5 starts for Kevin Bacon.

Malicious (2018)

Everything was average

[5/10 · 27 June 2020]

Acting, writing, make up, lighting, set design, even the plot holes... they were all so tragically average.

Admiring Melissa Bolona was the best thing about this movie.

What else is there to say? Put this on if you're out of other scary movies.

5 out of 10.

Ghosts of Mars (2001)

Carpenter fails at subtlety

[7/10 · 25 June 2020]

I love Carpenter and this movie exemplified his wacky method of story telling. But this time around, too much silliness was in the details.

Just a few examples:

The opening scene states that Mars has an 'earth-like atmosphere'. One of the opening lines of dialogue is 'Mars does not have an earth like atmosphere'.

To breath on Mars' surface the cast wear EYE GOGGLES! That's right, eye goggles. Except for when they don't need eye-goggles - for no reason. And it's not a continuity/consistency error, it just Carpenter.

Natasha Henstridge's character is a drug addict. She takes "TRI-MONO-CHLORIDE"(!!!?????) ... Not only is the name ridiculous - like a tri-mono-cycle, but Chlorine is. well. chlorine! It'll get you dead before it gets you high!

These three examples are just in the opening minutes.

The rest of the movie is just your standard Carpenter hijinks. An immortal demon army is unleashed upon Mars with the sole mission of exterminating all human life on the Martian surface. But the ending is just amazing:

Upon escaping the clutches of an (apparently) immortal demon army, instead of rushing back to the remainder of civilization to warn them of impending doom (like idk, evacuate Mars, or draw up a battle plan for tacking the extermination of human life). the cast decides to head back and face the enemy. Why? Because they have already established that it will achieve precisely nothing!

I would only recommend if you are a Carpenter fan.

Attack of the Morningside Monster (2014)

For the real indi-horror enthusiast!

[6/10 · 21 June 2020]

You can tell these guys put everything they had into this movie. This really made up for the obvious budgetary constraints.

The acting was surprisingly good from the primary cast. The supporting actors were less capable, but did far better than your average low-budget horror flick.

The cinematography, set design and editing were professional.

The script was clearly written by someone with talent. The pacing of the story was even an constantly built to the climax.

There were some major plot-holes around the narrative's red haring. And some references to the FBI that made no sense. But they didn't ruin the film.

Makeup was surprisingly good.

Where this movie fell short and broke the viewer's suspense of disbelief constantly was where the clearly did not have the budget for anything better. If you love your indi horror flicks, half the fun is admiring how the film was made, but if that's not why you're watching, it will ruin the movie for you.

For example, it took me a few fight scenes (where the murderer ambushes the victim to be) to workout why they were so poorly choreographed and clumsily cut. The film crew clearly couldn't afford to damage the set. So they had to clumsily pretend there was a struggle while trying their best not to scuff the walls or floor. The murder weapon was clearly made of foam and none of the actors were actually struck with it. Either they couldn't afford to make more than one, or they couldn't afford the liability of actually hitting something with the prop.

In all, a worth while watch if you love your low-budget scary films.

6 out of 10.

Cold Pursuit (2019)

4 out of 10 + 1 for Liam Neeson, because Liam Neeson

[5/10 · 7 May 2020]

The story is your basic story of revenge. The overuse of lighthearted musical themes and comic relief gives the impression that the movie has no focus. It almost feels like an action movie trying to be a comedy.

The over-the-top 90s styled villains adds to the sense that this movie is at ends with it's own vision. By the same token, the villains are also quite entertaining.

Ultimately, this is a very confused movie. It wants to be violent, but tones down he violence to the extent that one cannot suspend disbelief and follow the narrative. The action scenes lack intensity, as though its trying to deliver a punch with a cotton swab. It wants to be grim, but punctuates dramatic scenes with blithe music. It wants to be funny, but the comic relief is not funny and just leaves the viewer confused.

Liam Neeson is always great. I watched it because of that. I wouldn't watch it again, but if you're a Neeson fan, I wouldn't set your expectations too high.

4 out of 10 plus 1 for Neeson.

Captive State (2019)

A thinking man's movie!

[9/10 · 3 May 2020]

This is not a scifi action flick where we fight an alien invasion and win against all odds. This is a detective story. There is no distinct main character, just a lot of intertwined rolls, all of whom are morally ambiguous and take actions your would never expect.

If a civilization can harness the energy to traverse the stars, it has the ability to destroy worlds. Comparing the pointy sticks and sharp rocks of the stone age to modern nuclear warheads fails to capture the disparity in power between our civilization and one capable of colonizing the galaxy by force. This movie never suggests that humanity could win a war against an alien overlord, but it states outright that we're better off going out with a fight than dying in a whisper.

The villains of this story did not need to be aliens, any totalitarian regime could have easily worked, but I think the use of extraterrestrials was brilliant given the way in which the viewer can interpret the villain in anyway they need to suspend disbelief an enjoy the story. For example, I found it particularly striking when thousands of people gathered to praise their alien overlords for creating a world without war or crime, while creating record level employment and prosperity. You could interpret that single scene as an allusion to any variant of right-wing or left-wing extremist.

Many will figure out the twist in the story quite early on in the movie - it's pretty obvious. But at the same time, all the characters keep on doing things you just would not expect, leaving you to constantly second-guess your analysis of the characters when anticipating the next scene.

Acting was great.

The cast was fantastic.

The dialogue was believable.

The setting was morose and imbued one with the despair and hopelessness.

John Goodman was amazing. I have never seen him play such a subdued an inanimate roll. In the Runner, for example, his character, while being cold and calculating, still seethed with intensity. In this roll, Goodman seems to exude the and distress and dejection echoed by humanity under the alien overloads.

This movie is well worth a watch and will deliver the unexpected. 9 out of 10!

Hotel Artemis (2018)

For every success, there is a failure

[6/10 · 1 May 2020]

I never thought I'd be giving a movie with Jodie Foster and Jeff Goldblum a 5. But This movie falls short in so many domains.

It's 2 cliche stories set in a unique environment. 1 - Bank robbery goes wrong and the thieves need an impromptu exit strategy & 2 - thieves accidentally steal something from a rich and powerful man and need to evade retribution. This leads to an underground hospital which is the movie's namesake. This is established beautifully. The viewer is the fish out of water in a dystopian Los Angeles, but will little to no expository dialogue we are clearly presented with a picture of how this world works.

From here the movies slowly goes down hill. The characters we are introduced to in the Artemis are the perfect cliches. I don't think that is a bad thing. Formulas work for a reason and the right director/screenwriter can make magic out of the conventional. In the case of this movie, however, only Jody Foster's character is sufficiently established for the audience to invest any emotion in following her story arc. And the case of the twist that complicates her story, I felt it was not sufficiently moving for me to invest any further emotion energy.

This leaves Jeff Goldblum played his part brilliantly (but I mean, it's Goldblum - everything he does is awesome). I can't remember seeing him play a villain, but during his short screen time, I was impressed with how intimidating, yet cold, yet charismatic he was. He stole the show with barely a few minutes of screen time.

I think this is also one of the biggest failures of this movie. When the best actor and character is the bad guy, you no longer care about the conclusion of the story, your disappointed to see the arc resolve the story complication and proceed to an inevitably disappointing conclusion.

Overall, unique setting, decent acting, passable dialogue, and Jeff Goldblum with Jody Foster - solid 6 out of 10.

Bad Samaritan (2018)

A lot of potential, but poor execution

[3/10 · 1 May 2020]

The story makes little sense.

The writing is average.

The protagonist was annoying.

The score was laughable. Celtic flues (or Irish flutes) in a thriller? It's like a 2-man deathmetal group featuring with a ukulele and a banjo.

The over the top villain with a penchant for BDSM, murder and GoogleHome app with an inexhaustible supply of money? I was rooting for him in the end. He was literally the only character with something to offer the story and the only actor to actually convey his character's feelings through the screen - albeit hamfistedly.

I can't recommend watching, but it's a lot better than the average b-grade horror.

3 out of 10.

The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

I had to skip through the last 30min

[4/10 · 22 April 2020]

This was surprisingly good for a found footage film - primarily because it tries as much as possible to not be a found footage film. Use of security cameras and shaky cam were kept to a minimum for the most part.

Acting was on par and the lighting was particularly good.

Where the movie lost me was that it gave away it's twist too soon, leaving you with nothing but poorly attempted jump scares for the meat of the story. The concluding scenes could be seen coming a mile away, leaving you craving the credit roll.

Domain (2016)

tense build-up to a disappointing ending

[5/10 · 22 April 2020]

This movie was clearly inspired by the Fallout video game series.

In a nutshell, Vault Tech builds hundreds of gigantic nuclear fallout shelters (Vaults) to preserve humanity in the event of nuclear war. Unbeknownst to the occupants the true purpose of the Vaults is to conduct inhumane experiments on the survivors to better understand how to rebuild society.

I think this was more congruent with the original intention of the Screen Play, but something prevented the movie makers from completing the story as they intended. The actual twist provided in the movie makes little sense in the context of the psychological stresses we see inflicted on the prisoners:

-torture through sleep deprivation; -the psychological tension between an isolated group of 5 men and only 2 women; -the psychological stress of 6 people being ostensibly sane and one party member being an admitted serial killer. -Several suicides that are allowed to happen despite the prisoners being under constant surveillance.

So many elements of the story point to the intended purpose of the experiment to inflict psychological stress on these prisoners for some nefarious purpose that was written out of the screen play.

But the biggest let down of the ending was the lame hand waving away of the most egregious plot-hole: Nadine tells Phoenix and Denver that all the prisoners were hand picked because they were expected not to be honest about their past an therefore not clue the group into the fact that they were all convicted felons... what? if you put 7 people into isolation for 5 years with NOTHING to do but talk to each other - the conversation will eventually happen. We're talking about putting these people in an environment where they will forge strong emotional connections - telling secrets will eventually be a form of bonding they share.

The ending we received in the end seemed bland, ad hoc and anti-climactic when put in the context of all the aforementioned clues.

But either way. It was well acted. The characters were all distinct and the set was design was adequate and the twist was not completely obvious. 5 out of 10

The Wall (II) (2017)

I got fed up with the Anti-American rhetoric... and I'm not even American

[2/10 · 14 April 2020]

Plot: incompetent, monosyllabic American soldiers are incompetent. Articulated, educated terrorist be extra smart and do smart things interspersed with American incompetence.

Part of enjoying a movie is the suspension of disbelief. Some how we are supposed to believe that 2 Army Rangers are incapable of basic logic and bereft of basic training, that elite soldiers willing take faulty equipment into battle and that a lone terrorist can disrupt a whole pipeline operation without any significant military reprisal... and the list goes on.

I just wish these crazy self-hating Americans would stop pushing sub-par cinema. This movie had so much potential. I was really disappointed to see it fail so hard.

Zombie Bite (2017)

I love indi horror, but I could not get through this one.

[1/10 · 1 November 2019]

Focus. Is that too much to ask for? Focus the damn camera!!! I gave up after 15min. I thought the story might have had promise, but I'm not about to dedicate an hour and a half of my life to a movie that was shot out of focus.

Emulator (2019)

I want to say 3, but it gets 4 for effort

[4/10 · 19 October 2019]

The story has potential. You can tell the crew put a lot of effort into trying to make this the best movie they could. It's shot reasonably well and the editing is decent.

The plot holes and errors really break any immersion you can gain. For example, the killer practically confesses in his preliminary interrogation. And the whole time you cannot even decipher the killer's motivation. He is literally killing because... he can?

The acting is atrocious. You grow to hate antagonist because he is so bad at delivering his lines.

When I consider the writing I at first only had criticisms about the protagonist - the "reformed" serial killer. At first I thought it was just really lazy writing, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that the subtly with which his written shows quite a bit of talent. Serial killers are often known for disguising themselves with charm and being able to manipulate others. This aspect of his character was never explicitly said. It wasn't even hinted at. It's actually a really accurate portrait of a serial killer. No one ever suspected Gacy or Bundy was a murderer until they were being murdered.

For a low budget movie, it does what it set out to do, tell a unique story.

The Fanatic (2019)

What's with all the hate?

[7/10 · 1 October 2019]

This movie was disturbing. I genuinely felt bad for all the characters. It's not a block buster thriller. It's just a basic story of obsession that turns to madness.

I give it 7 stars and not 8 because I thought the narration was unneeded and Travolta's crying was unconvincing at times.