DashTheGreat Reviews

Land of the Free (2007)

Good film.

[8/10 · 27 November 2010]

Completely separate from the political message, I felt that "Land of the Free (2007)" was a very interesting short film. It did not appear to have a large budget, and makes due with what it has. I felt that it did this effectively, as every location looked authentic and never cheesy.

The moody, decrepit scenery of an impoverished Police State urban nightmare played out well. The whole movie tone was dark and dreary, almost like a dream. While the flashbacks and flash forwards were a bit confusing at times (the relationship and happenings between the main character and his wife are extremely unclear), overall the short film is pretty easy to follow.

The gunfight scenes were very good. For such a small budget, they were all pretty fantastic. They even had 'squibs' go off to mark bullet hits against walls. Even Hollywood sometimes fails miserably at this.

The only glaring problem with this film is its length (and I mean that in a complementary, tongue-in-cheek sort of way). I wanted more when the film ended. The story left much to be desired, but I guess that's the point. The future is uncertain in the final scene as the sun sets in the distance. Tomorrow would be a new day with new changes.

"Hope for a better life." Good film. Thanks!

8/10

Brüno (2009)

While 'Borat' had actual substance, 'Bruno' is cheap, shock humor.

[2/10 · 11 July 2009]

Fans of "Da Ali G" show will find Bruno to be a familiar character, but 'Bruno' lacks the element that made it funny on Da Ali G show. Instead of Bruno's gayness being implied, the whole movie consists of penis after penis, and ass after ass being flashed in front of the audience, to the point of being nauseating. This movie is 5% of the type of humor that made Borat funny, and 95% shock humor. 'Bruno' had many funny scenes, such as scenes with Paula Abdul, and Ron Paul. On the other hand, scenes such as those at the "Swingers Club" played out like some sick porno movie and were barely tolerable to completely intolerable. I don't know why they bothered, as almost everybody in the theatre was turning away from the nauseating scenes playing out before them. Similar to Borat, Bruno takes on bigoted rednecks and the overly religious. The setttings are also more diverse than that of Borat, making the first half of this film more interesting. On the otherhand, the last half of this film borders being unwatchable because of the nudity. A less funny, more disgusting version of Borat, basically.

4.5/10

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)

Horrendous by all accounts.

[2/10 · 26 January 2009]

What a disastrous piece of feces this movie was. You know a movie is horrific when the original actress who starred in the first two refused to do it after reading the script. First of all, the entire plot was stupid. I was hoping that this movie would at least be entertaining, but every acting performance in this movie was horrific.

The fact that Brendan Fraisers's son suddenly picked up a Brooklyn-type accent has to be one of the most laughable things I've ever seen. His cliché, overused, annoying character just served to make me hate this movie even more. For every time I looked for a good part of this movie, I was busting my gut at how over the top and cheesy it was. The son also knows karate, and fights off a ninja? Lmao! Are you kidding me? If she chopped his head off, it would have at least redeemed this movie a little.

Now, for the most insultingly horrific part of this bomb - the Yetis. When Brendan Fraiser uttered the words "Abominable snowmen!?" I started busting my gut at how horrible this piece of crap was. It was completely out of nowhere, and the definition of pulling a contrived savior out of ones' ass. Even funnier was when the horribly CGI'd yetis were carrying Fraiser off of the mountain. Horrible. Just horrible.

Come to think of it, this movie had 20% Mummy action, and 80% boring crap that isn't worth watching. If you're thinking of watching this boring, cliché, over the top piece of dung, avoid it by all costs.

Generation Kill (2008)

Welcome to the sandbox: a 'Generation Kill' review

[9/10 · 26 August 2008]

I had previously rated 'Generation Kill' a 9, from viewing the first episode. Based on past experiences (but not counting the fact that this was on HBO), I expected the rating to go down to an 8. This was not the case. 'Generation Kill' was great throughout. It was the typical HBO program, and shows what HBO is known for: realistic storytelling, consistent characters, and excellent writing and directing.

'Generation Kill' was blasted for being too rough around the edges. This is reality, however. Special attention to reality was kept in other areas too, such as highly vivid night vision sequences with tracers pouring into the night sky. At times, I wondered if I was watching stock footage. Everything about 'Generation Kill' just felt superior, from the camera work, to direction, to the writing. You really get the feel of being there, and seeing through the eyes of those who invaded Iraq.

The characters were insanely real. It was easy to feel sympathy for the Iraqs and American soldiers alike. This was the most impartial show I've seen to date on the Iraq War. Though I found 'Band of Brothers' to be far superior to 'Generation Kill,' GK was a serious contender when it comes to an HBO miniseries. GK is better than anything you will ever see at the movies. I very much enjoyed viewing this documentary from beginning to end.

TMZ on TV (2007– )

Cancel this piece of crap

[1/10 · 25 August 2008]

TMZ on TV has got to be the most brainless, untalented, and uninspired piece of garbage to ever hit network TV. Who Okay'd this show, i.e., who needs to have their head examined? The "cast" of TMZ are a bunch of rejects and Hollywood wannabes who obviously are just projecting their hate for those who are more successful than them. I wonder how many failed actors / actresses there are amongst the bunch? I'm guessing all of them.

This show is absolutely pathetic. First of all, I love the little stuck up manner that they talk about their fellow human beings. They talk like they're better than celebrities, and all celebrities are immoral. Hmm... So, people at TMZ, how moral is trying to take pictures of people with no clothes on, or the other stuff that paparazzi do on a daily basis? Your jobs have no merit in society. Everybody laughs and steps over you. That's why the cast on TMZ try to make a name for themselves and act all high and mighty. They have no talent nor ambition. They can't join the Hollywood crowd, so they blast it.

So, in closing, TMZ on TV is a terrible show perpetrated by evil slugs who will do anything to get rich and famous. Unfortunately, they fail to realize that, other than their demographic, who ride around in "Rascals," and are probably over 100 year old fossils, nobody actually watches this show. You would have to be insanely bored, or have masochist tendencies and be punishing yourself for some wrong doing. Whatever network this is on, and who really cares? (this show left such an impression on me that I'm not even sure which channel it's on) please do us all a service and cancel this piece of crap before more peoples' time is wasted. I lost a few hours of my life watching this bogus, untalented piece of garbage (just to fall asleep, of course - this show has that effect), but nobody else has to. They probably air it at night because this show wouldn't have a chance in the daytime, where people could be easily interested by other things, such as smacking themselves in the head repeatedly with a 2 X 4.

Frozen Flesh (2008 Video)

Ahh... Finally something that could rip the quantum vacuum.

[1/10 · 21 August 2008]

"Frozen Flesh" was so awe inspiringly bad, based solely on the fact that it wasn't actually a movie. It was a guy moving a knife up and down for 100 minutes. I was, however, shocked that somebody could sit there that long without developing severe back pain, or possibly scoliosis. I have my doubts that this movie was actually serious.

Let's see. Not much to review here. A guy picks up a knife, and... uh... knifes. The end. Movie over. I have just saved you 140 minutes of your time. Is this one of those subliminal propaganda movies, or possibly a movie designed to torture terror suspects until they go insane? I suspect such is true. It could be a signal to the Caped Crusader, or something of that nature. We'll never know.

So, thank you Justin French, for almost wasting 140 minutes of my life (was more like 5 - thank heavens for fast forward on YouTube!) I'm not even sure what the point of this movie was, or why anyone would spend any time making it? Why? Why!!!???

Vantage Point (2008)

Tedious Movie / Asinine Plot (Spoilers)

[5/10 · 21 August 2008]

Vantage Point really was a pain in the butt to sit through. That's not to say that the movie doesn't deliver action; but it delivers the same action sequence over and over. By the fourth "turnback," I was groaning and crowing like an old man. Vantage Point asks a lot of its audience, and fails to keep attention long enough to fulfill the promise of a good ending for all of the waiting. The ending was an obvious Deux ex Machina. It wasn't even close. Of course, the little girl just happens to run right in front of that ambulance, which crashes right in front of Dennis Quaid. In fact, the last half of this movie was completely rubbish. Matthew Fox was annoying and terrible, and Forrest Whitaker was held back by the poor script. There was some talent in this movie, but the script didn't allow it to shine. The plot was also completely ludicrous. First, the President gets assassinated; but no, it's not the President. It's a double! Then, a Super-Commando breaks into the President's hotel, and takes him hostage. Now, why would they have needed to pull off the first terrorist attack if this was the master plan? Terrible. Terrible. This script is porous and asinine as can be. Now, why on earth, if there is a plot on the President's life, would he be in a hotel right next to where the attack is supposed to take place, with a light secret service presence? Nothing about this movie makes sense. Nothing. I am all for suspending my belief, but this is off the deep end.

Smash Lab (2007– )

For a Science show, this sure doesn't have much chemistry

[4/10 · 23 January 2008]

Smash Lab is probably one of the greatest disappointments of the new year, almost to the point of inspiring mass Discovery fan suicides. And who could blame them? First off, this show is nothing more than a Myth Busters knock off with Myth Buster wannabe characters. Deanne must be Discovery's answer to Kari, and their shameless attempt to draw viewers to this show because of this is borderline shameful. Maybe they should have put such efforts into making a decent show, instead of appealing to 50 year old slobbering men.

The premise is also insanely weak. Scientists and Engineers supposedly build to make the world better, when their experiments are weak and neutered. MythBusters is interesting mostly because it has some meaning to keep you watching. Smash Lab, on the other hand, just seems like a waste of time and life since the hosts aren't actually helping anyone. Discovery, by trying to cater to the MythBusters crowd (and by possibly thinking that the MythBusters crowd are retarded) has forgotten the number one rule that made their other shows popular: Dumbing down = Crap show.

This show wouldn't be so bad, other than the fact that it is unbelievably boring. For a show named "Smash Lab," the hosts seem to just walk around the whole time, wasting moments of our precious lives. The hosts literally look like surfer dudes that you would find on a California beach, who of course morph between scientists, builders, physicists, and anything else that the teleprompter tells them to be. Never have I seen such poor Chemistry between cast members either. I would be willing to bet that as soon as the cameras turn off, they start beating the crap out of each other or cutting each other off in the parking lot while making obscene gestures. Why don't they just make a show about that? It would be a heck of a lot more interesting than this drivel.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Heh

[10/10 · 24 December 2007]

Best movie I've seen in a while. Of course, the Simpsons will never let us down. I don't know how they do it, but every part of the movie feels original and exciting. The plot begins with Homer adopting a pig that Crusty the Clown is about to slaughter (I also have to lol at Crusty's statements, which are always golden). And as you can imagine, it just continues from there. Homer gets himself into quite the predicament, and let's just say that everybody wants a piece of him after that. There's also a lot of political humor, like how the EPA dealt with 'the problem.' Definitely one of the better movies that I've seen, up there with the Family Guy movie. Unfortunately, I was blinded half-way through the movie by that unpleasant shot of Bart's hog.

10/10

Tae Guk Gi: The Brotherhood of War (2004)

Hell on Earth

[9/10 · 27 November 2007]

Since the comparisons to Saving Private Ryan are inevitable, I will admit that I liked SPR a lot better. This movie, on the other hand, was easily a contender. First off, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE DUBBED IN English. Thank you. Not only does it ruin the film, but it cheapens the acting performances that you need to hear to fully get the movie. With that being said, here is my review: The fighting scenes were absolutely gorgeous. They even broke that cliché where every artillery shell must be a gigantic fireball, and instead used dirt spray, which is more like reality. There was something about this movie that was absolutely terrifying. It was the same feeling that I felt while watching SPR, that's hard to get in many other war movies. Not only were the characters great, but everything felt chaotic.

One complaint about the movie is that it is over dramatic. This may be a cultural difference with respect to film. It also helps us understand more about the characters. This leads me to the absolute best point of this film - its reflections on death and war. A great movie is one where you feel the horror of an impending onslaught, like when China charged the S. Korean base and all of the men where basically in a frenzy. Then, the film shows a gigantic wall of incoming soldiers, almost like an "omg!" moment. Unreal.

I hated the ending, however. I believe that it cheapened the film. Though none of the soldiers would have really cared about one measly S. Korean soldier running around in the heat of battle, it was a little stupid that he found his brother in the middle of the fight and they got into a Hollywood-ish fight. A better ending would have definitely helped this film out a lot, like, for instance, the brother being killed by his own men. Other than this, great film.

9.5/10

Lions for Lambs (2007)

Jumbled mess of a movie

[4/10 · 26 November 2007]

I don't know what to think about this movie. The acting performances were decent, but on the other hand, it is just a jumbled mess that switches between a college class, Tom Cruise and Meryll Streep, and a helicopter being shot down in Afghanistan. It keeps switching between the three, which leads you to wonder what each has to do with each other. Of course, you find out at the end, but then they get mowed down in probably the most unrealistic shootout I've ever seen. I also had to laugh at the fact that they sent one helicopter up a mountain when it was snowing, and didn't expect there to be any problems. Suddenly, about 50 Taliban pop out of nowhere (conjured, is more of the word I would use) and open up on the helicopter. At least there wasn't some stupid conspiracy, which probably would have caused me to turn this movie off. Kudos for not insulting the audiences' intelligence with such excrement.

The performances were decent all around, but in the end, this movie still sucked. Lion's For Lambs was basically just a conversation between Tom Cruise and Meryll Streep, each of which that dragged on for 5 - 10 minutes at a time. The current events references are amusing in the first part of the film, but get tired at the end. I also had to laugh at how they make Tom Cruise into some uber evil, Bush loving Republican. Basically, Lions for Lambs is like taking a gigantic sleeping pill.

4 / 10

Hostel: Part II (2007)

Weakly scripted Hostel II folds like a house of cards

[4/10 · 15 November 2007]

Spoilers ahead for Hostel I and II.

Hostel II, being a sequel from Hostel I (which was alright), was completely lame. The script was so half-assed that the entire movie collapsed like a building held up by Lincoln logs. Why else did Hostel II bomb so badly? Here's why: The entire idea of a movie about a torturing hell house was interesting in the first one, but was almost pointless in the second one. This is also one of those movies that cause you to say, "man, this is an incredibly weak script" while you're watching it. Here's what else I think was wrong with Hostel II.

The characters were stock, annoying, and so poorly developed that nobody cared about them. At least in the first one, we wanted the main character to escape, and faced a suspenseful escape sequence. When he ultimately did, the viewer felt a sense of accomplishment. The ending of Hostel II was an unbelievable cop-out that was so lame and lifeless, it ruined the whole movie. Beth suddenly becomes swift and rich, and buys her self out of the torture house? This had to be one of the biggest cop outs I have ever seen, further evidenced by the fact that it was in the last 10 minutes or so of the movie. There was no suspense or anything to it.

Also, I almost laughed out loud at how Roger Bart's character became schizophrenic when he transformed into a bad guy; considering that he was having a moral dilemma throughout the film. Then, he gets his hog chopped off, which had to be the comic relief of all of that contrived tension. I also laughed at how bad the bathing in blood thing was. It was disgusting, but not in the least bit interesting.

Hostel II was weak, and folded like a house of cards. It was watchable, but I didn't feel like anything happened after I finished the movie. Not to mention that the first part of the film ultimately built up to nothing. It certainly wasn't in the bottom 25% of the movies that I have watched, but it was definitely one of the corniest I've seen.

4 / 10

Bio-Dome (1996)

Holy Mother of God

[2/10 · 12 November 2007]

This is an example of writers smoking crack in the back room and being "enlightened" enough to write a movie. Bio Dome is not the absolute worst movie I have ever seen, and by no means deserves to be on the bottom 100 list, but it's pretty darn close. I have braved worse before, such as some of the other Paul Shore movies out there. If you can sit through Jury Duty, you'll have no problem watching this. Not that I would recommend putting yourself through such an unnecessary hell.

Bio Dome was absolutely torturous. It's not meant to be taken seriously, but I'm convinced that you would either have to be retarded, or have recently had a lobotomy to enjoy this movie. Movies that have plots that can be summed up in one sentence usually aren't that great to begin with. Here's the whole synopsis: Two stoners go into a bio dome and then come out some time later. Nothing else worthy of mentioning happens, believe me.

There have to be better forms of entertainment than this. Go outside and run yourself into exhaustion. I admit, embarrassed enough, that I did sit through this entire movie, and probably lost precious IQ points as a result. I am now mentally retarded. Don't take the route I did kids.

2/10

Delta Farce (2007)

Medic!!!

[2/10 · 29 October 2007]

I can't believe that I watched this movie, but the sad fact is that I did. I ignored the warnings of IMDb and the bottom 100, and decided to actually give a "Larry the Cable Guy" movie a shot. Boy, was I sorry.

This film doesn't actually have a plot. It's just Larry the Cable Guy, Dj Quails, and 2 other actors doing a 4 man comedy show, who happen to be in the military and in Mexico. "Delta Farce" is overrun with jokes that are downright embarrassing. This is the kind of stuff where, a bush-league newbie comedian goes on stage for the first time and gets crickets. I felt genuinely embarrassed for whoever wrote this movie, and would advise them to take the "sue for name removal" route immediately.

Secondly, "Delta Farce" was stupidly unbelievable and ridden with clichés. For example, Keith David calls the men "maggots" in R. Lee Ermey fashion, and orders them to go to Iraq. Another dumb moment was the very fact that Marisol Nichols was in the movie, with makeup all done and perfect hair, with the rest of the village looking weathered and primitive. That wasn't the first, "man, this is stupid" moment, but it doesn't help you escape from the fact that you're watching a Larry The Cable Guy movie.

So, upon watching this garbage halfway through, I aborted my viewing mission, and left men behind; especially Larry the Cable Guy who should never star in a movie again. I'll probably work on humanitarian missions next, like advising other people to never watch this piece of crap again.

2 / 10

Blood Work (2002)

Look at the IMDb rating

[6/10 · 9 October 2007]

This is probably one of the few times that an IMDb rating has ever been accurate. Blood Work is the poster mark for 6/10. First, the characters were OK, but nothing special. I liked Clint in the movie, especially when he whipped out the shotgun and shot at the killer. Blood Work is a "whodunit," with a villain that is right under your nose the whole time. He's somewhat obvious, but on the other hand, was hidden quite well. The woman whose sister got killed didn't interest me at all, to the extent that I forget her character right after the movie ended. Finally, the ending was OK, and was in place with the movie, but realism is suspect. There were a few parts that made me roll my eyes. Overall, Blood Work is worth its weight in gold. You just need to watch it until the end, which is not a relatively hard task, because it is pretty interesting. It's just one of those movies that are forgotten about hours after seeing it, like a movie that would play on TNT or USA every 5 hours.

6 / 10

Die Another Day (2002)

This movie is so bad, even James Bond hated himself

[3/10 · 9 October 2007]

That's right, this movie is so god-awful, they completely changed the elements around for Casino Royale. This is the one that put an end to the 1D Bond villains shooting lasers at Bond, while having "cool" injuries that gigantic scars, or diamonds in your face. I would even go as far to say that this movie is vastly overrated on IMDb. This was nowhere as good as Air Force One, which has a similar rating. The villains were horrible. Whoever thought to make the North Koreans the villains should have at least had a realistic portrayal... i.e. ditching the robots that they created. Instead, we get genetic therapy, possibly the worst idea in a bond film I have ever seen. I think that the only idea that is worse was the entire plot of "Moon Raker." The entire script, start to finish, was rubbish. Bond suddenly gets captured by N. Koreans, gets tortured, but this doesn't add to the story at all. No sense of revenge or anything. They could have, and should have, left that part out, because it made very little sense. Secondly, a gigantic laser that heats the earth up? It fries missiles too? Am I missing something, or when they fried the missile, why didn't the beam shoot to earth and destroy a random city or something. Would have at least been a fun scene.

Halle Berry was blah. Probably one of the lesser liked Bond girls. This, "I'm a bad bad girl" act was pretty annoying. Not to mention that the name "Jinx" sounded like a comic book character. Also, you're trying to tell me that they have the technology to do gene therapy, but they can't extract diamonds from a guy's face? If I got claymored and lived, you would think that would be a #1 priority.

The invisible car was stupid. You almost kind of wish that they had that when Bond went to Korea. This plot could have been wrapped up in 5 minutes. Finally, that dumb cliché where you-know-who was bad, and did the thing where they point the gun at the villain, and then switch around to point it at Bond. It's been used in pretty much every movie with guns and agents.

3.5 / 10 - Cheap entertainment, but overall lame.

MythBusters (2003–2018)

Great show.

[10/10 · 3 October 2007]

I love this show. Mythbusters is about as good as they come when it comes to TV programming. The Cast is great, seem to know what they're talking about (as opposed to random TV personalities thrown out and given lines, while those in back do all of the work), and can tackle new ideas each time. It never seems like this show will run out of steam, despite the limited number of myths that they can do. The "specials" such as the Pirate, Superhero, and Shark myths specials are great, which is unheard of on cable TV. Usually the word "special" is enough to make you run away. I can't see this show going off the air anytime soon. Excellent show! 10/10

Cavemen (2007–2008)

Worst show I've ever seen

[1/10 · 2 October 2007]

"Cavemen" exceeded my expectations, and not in a good way. It was even worse than I thought it would be. Basically, here's the show: The Cavemen are an alternate race, they face prejudice, etc. Quite possibly the stupidest idea ever created; almost being worthy of jail time for the writers. One show featured the cavemen going into a club, trying to pick up girls, and then nothing else happened. It was reminiscent of listening to a 22 minute Andy Rooney dialog, followed by death by steak knives via midget cannibals. For those who have not seen this show, here's an example of the dialog: "You're sure you're okay with going out with a caveman." "Yeah, that's fine. I've had like 10 - thousand!" Hilarious... Possibly the best writing I've ever witnessed.

22 minutes of cavemen with horrible makeup, tackling tough social issues... Sounds like an entertaining night. I also love how bad the recent ideas are that they're resorted to making a sitcom out of car insurance commercials. I wonder if they'll do the Gecko next, so that I can have a new title for the worst show I've ever seen. I would even say that this is worse than "Viva Laughlin." At least "Viva Laughlin" was ripped off from something that was somewhat inspired.

Shows like this make me hope that there's a comet up there somewhere aimed for Earth.

(Unratable honestly...)

Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)

Enjoyable

[7/10 · 2 October 2007]

Once Upon a Time is overall a pretty enjoyable movie. Despite its bizarre randomness, action fans will love the fighting scenes and gun play. Not to mention the characters who were actually somewhat interesting and not stolen, which has got to be a first when it comes to the action genre. I can honestly say that I enjoyed all of the characters, even that stupid Taco Bell type dog that the American carried around and put a wiretap on. I really don't have too many complaints about the movie, and thought it was interesting throughout.

El was a crazy, crazy man. If cornered by a massive army, he would just whip out his guitar and fire off grenades and laser beams taking everyone out, saving his guitar until the end. He would then throw it at General Marquez, causing a 1 Megaton nuclear warhead to go off right behind him as he makes his escape into a hand-made shelter from his Mexican buddies.

7.5 / 10

Shooter (I) (2007)

A decent film for the conspiracy genre

[7/10 · 30 September 2007]

Shooter wasn't that bad at all. Like I say, it was a decent film for the conspiracy genre. Despite the stupid message shoved in our face, "Shooter" is completely enjoyable. First, I'll list off the good parts. The violence and gun play were excellent. Wahlberg really did have the "bad arse special forces guy" feel to him when he took guy after guy out with sniper / other methods. He could probably hit a pin from 1,000 meters out; almost robot-like. Secondly, the characters were alright, but given for a conspiracy film. You always have the fat (beep) who looks the part of a greedy pig who screws everyone over. He was probably modeled after Dick Cheney, given his obsession with shotguns. Kind of a scary guy.

Did I also mention the scene where Marky Mark owned those mercenaries (I mean, contractors) and got away? Truly awesome.

Now, the parts that sucked in this movie: The big one is the fact that you had to basically ignore the stupid Liberal message that they were trying to give. I mean, the military randomly massacring a village, and then leaving their own men out there? Dumbest thing I've ever seen. Also, the "haves and have-nots" speech made me nauseous. Also, way too many clichés and blatant advertisements. The plot was corny, but typical.

I think this is a good movie. 7/10

American Psycho II: All American Girl (2002 Video)

This was either the stupidest thing I have ever seen, or slightly amusing.

[4/10 · 10 September 2007]

(Spoilers) This was either the stupidest thing I have ever seen, or slightly amusing. American Psycho II stars Mila Kunis as a psychotic killer who kills a girl at college, and stuffs her body into a closet. Somehow, this girl had no family, and nobody ever though to wonder why she was suddenly gone. I also find it funny how nobody in college ever has roommates in movies. Maybe she killed her too. Anyway, the entire movie follows the course of Mila Kunis's character as she wants to get into the FBI. Her main philosophy is that she will be helping more people when she gets into the FBI than hurting when she kills them right now. I actually thought that was slightly amusing, in a sick, sadistic sort of way. The movie follows the cliché course of all slasher flicks: the blond girl suffers a horrific death (hanging), and couple of guys get strangled, and her instructor gets thrown out of a window. He probably fell on somebody's car, or something. Whoops! Why, oh why, was the ending so stupid? Oh wait, that's because it was in line with the rest of the plot. Let's examine the plausibility of this: the police track someone who looks nothing like the girl she killed. The girl that she killed had been dead for months, and was all gooey. Mila somehow makes the car magically drive off a cliff, and the car explodes, which had maybe a 5% chance of happening. Then, she says that this is the perfect crime. I guess she didn't learn anything from the FBI. They would know that the girl didn't die from the car wreck, and the fact that she was still in the class was just plain hilarious. In closing, this movie was somewhat hilarious, in a dark way, but sucked. It had its charms, but was horrible and campy. Just pretend that you have the mind of a Liopleurodon when watching.

4.3 / 10

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

Greatest Tribute to the Greatest Generation

[10/10 · 10 September 2007]

Saving Private Ryan is one of the greatest war movies ever made. It's an unbelievably emotionally powerful film that inspires a horror seldom seen in the usual Hollywood movie. This has to be not only one of the greatest war movies ever made, but possibly THE greatest movie ever ever made. I would easily put it on the level of the Godfather movies. Why? SPR has infinite character depth. There are no GI Joes or murderous killers that every single war movie needs to have. Every soldier is just that - a soldier. I may also be one of the few who felt sorry for Upham. Keep in mind that he wasn't a soldier per se. He was an interpreter. Also, keep in mind that he hadn't really established a bond with the unit yet, which was something that they all shared.

SPR has a realistic portrayal of WWII. They even portrayed the Germans and SS better than any movie I have ever seen. It also forces you to feel sorry for soldiers of both sides, like when the two American soldiers shot the two Czechs (I believe, as mentioned on the forum) who surrendered, and then taunted them. This was a subtlety that I only recently found out about. I always assumed that they were German.

Tom Hank's character was truly great. He wasn't a stock character at all, and seemed like he could be a real person. This was actually true for all of the characters. I also, guiltily, felt a little sorry for Steam Boat Willie, who was probably going to be executed in a ditch for being the sole survivor of, you know. You know what happens in the final scene, and I couldn't feel sorry for him anymore, and was happy, as we all were, when the event after that happened. This was just one of the many amazing themes and subtleties that were involved with this movie. I have seen it over 15 times, and still notice new things every time.

In conclusion, this movie is gruesome but beautiful. What greater present for Veterans Day is there than to watch this movie? They truly were the greatest Generation, and their gift of freedom to us keeps on giving.

The Contract (2006)

96 minute cliché, but not that bad

[4/10 · 10 September 2007]

(spoiler) The Contract was so unbelievably campy and mediocre that it felt more like remembering the movies I've watched in the past than watching an actual movie. The movie actually sparked my interest in the beginning when it showed the hit men. I was like, "wow, a movie about hit men. Should be interesting." Boy, was I wrong. Morgan Freeman, for being such a great actor, sure does pick some crappy roles.

This movie was a 96 minute cliché. Let me count the ways: - That stupid cliché where the local cops and the FBI feud. The local cops are rednecks who don't know what they're doing, and the FBI are egotistical jerks who are snide to the locals.

• The fact that John Cusack had to do that stupid scuffle that every action movie has. Then, the women and the dumb kid just stand to the side and watch. It's almost funny, if you think about it.

• The sort of sloppiness where the hit men would wait until Cusack was ready before they came in.

• The fact that they had machine guns, but didn't think to try to shoot Cusack and his son. Instead, they make one idiotic mistake after the next.

• That stupid chopper crash where they hit at well over 100 mph without seat belts or restraints on. Not only do they not fly forward and defy physics, but nobody is hurt.

• The cliché where the sniper misses and accidentally hits someone else.

• The "assassinate the President" storyline didn't even make sense. Maybe I just don't remember correctly, but nothing like that even panned out. Instead, Morgan Freeman just shot some guy at the end.

• The father and son troubled relationship cliché.

"The Contract" was in fact Hollywood garbage, where you could name everything that was going to happen in the movie without even seeing it.

4 / 10

American Idol (2002– )

The epitome of mindless dronism

[5/10 · 6 September 2007]

I will admit that the bad singers are funny in the beginning of American Idol, of course made funnier by the process of editing. For one instance, they may cut a bunch of funny moments together for a singer in order to make him look like a gigantic tool. Though some may say that this is a bit shady, public humiliation does have its upsides (like our entertainment). On the other hand, the singing aspect of this show is absolute garbage. The thing that I find must unnerving about this show is that there will be a bunch of teen, and sadly, adult wannabees walking around trying to be like the singers that they see on TV. American Idol is a show enjoyed by mindless drones who are culture junkies and follow whatever they think is "cool." The singers on this show are garbage and untalented. More times than not, they're some girl who's still in High School who is obviously a spoiled brat and whines whenever she doesn't get her way. On the other hand, there's guys who are an absolute emotional mess, and cry whenever something happens on the show. Oh the drama! The judges blow far beyond anything the human race can image. I can honestly say that I have not heard of one of these people. Simon Cowell? Randy Jackson? Paula Abdul? (Heard of her just once). The judges' demeanors are obviously controlled by producers backstage, because Paula went to a sweet, "you're great!" judge to a disparaging bitch. Simon puts up that stupid "mean" act that is so ridiculous and old. Look what American Idol has done now! Every freakin' show on TV has to have a mean English judge. If anything, I would say that they're putting on an acting performance.

Watch at your own risk. You may turn into a slobbering zombie who cries when one of your "favorite" singers gets voted off by a fishy voting system. Notice how they had to create the "Sanjaya" controversy last year. Not to make any accusations, but it smelled of a bad publicity stunt. If we all stopped watching American Idol, all of those other shows will die too. This show is ridiculous and lame, but does have its funny parts. Unfortunately, nobody wants to see teen brats and cry babies go for their "life's dream," when in reality, producers already have who is going to win in their mind.

Bones (2001)

Evil Snoop Dogg comes back to earth to feast on human flesh

[4/10 · 27 August 2007]

The entire concept is great. This movie in no way is horrible, but its not actually a movie in the first place. Instead, it's more of a comedy. It follows along the lines of Snoop Dog entering a room, his adversary saying the cliché of, "no! I'm sorry!," or, "Bones!" (shocked expression). I have got to say that Bones is first-rate comedy. It would be what Troll 2 would have been like if Busta Rhymes and Ice-T were cast.

I ask you, however, what is greater than the concept of Evil Snoop Dogg coming back to earth to feast on human flesh, and wreak vengeance on those who betrayed him. Sure, it's been done in 50% of movies, but at least watch it for its absolute corniness.

By the way, when Snoop was floating across the room with those eyes, I was rolling on the floor. I didn't see the ending, but it probably involves Snoop Dogg unleashing his rap zombies on the world, and feasting on the living, ending Civilization once and for all.