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The Disappointments Room (2016)
What even happened in this movie?
Even writing this review fresh as the credits are still rolling I'm having trouble remembering a single thing that happened in context of why it was happening. It's been sometime since a film has had this much difficulty holding my attention and even when I put forth effort to pull myself back into the movie it still seemed to never make any real sense or progress with any sort of fluidity. At no point is it ever interesting, thrilling, or compelling. I can't put my finger on it. This film just has me feeling like.... I've witnessed a phantom. It's almost incredible that a film so adequate on a sound, cast, visual fidelity level turned out something so punishingly bland. I've flipped through other reviews to make sure I'm not alone in this and it would appear that the editing team has made massive cuts which would explain why it feels like there's (at best) massive portions of story missing.
This will be the lowest I've ever rated a film that is not legitimately terrible.There's just zero entertainment value here. If there ever was coherent narrative it was butchered behind that big fancy spooky house
2/10
*bonus points* I don't feel that the acting was sub par, but I did feel like the direction was either off or lost in the editing. On more than one occasion all characters seemed to be speaking very arch, but I'm pretty sure nobody was a bad guy? Ugh. This freaking movie. WHAT WERE YOU EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE!?
Hot Pursuit (2015)
Autopilot Hollywood Drone
There's no reason for this movie to exist. You know when other studios get wind of an upcoming blockbuster, and they rush to make an indie knock off to come out around the same time with the hopes someone will rent it by accident thinking the movie they wanted hit redbox early? That's this movie, except it hit laughably late. They saw the Other Guys, and the Heat and said, "Let's do that again, but far after, with less star power, and the script will write itself."
It's *expletive* horrible. Whitherspoon with her absolutely tarnished reputation should've hung up the gloves. She gives off an awful method acting stage sketch feel the entire film, completely exaggerating her character's persona. I never thought i would draw a similarity to this in my *expletive* life, but she attempts to mimic Iris Bahr's Amy Butlin character from LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR and DOES IT WORSE!!!!!!!! Larry the cable guy: the *expletive* health inspector!!! It's painful to watch someone fall so far, that they them self would have taken the money to perform the role.
Sofia Vergara is as horrible as she has been her entire career. The same sassy Columbian big breasted loud mouth she plays in everything, if you dare call that "playing a role". What script and plot there is seems tailored to exactly fit her, so to not deviate from her extreme deficiencies (it's like Charlie in Two and A Half Men basically just being Charlie Sheen. Except, it's not funny. Or good. Or likable in anyway). If you like Sofia Vergara for some reason unbeknownst reason, you may find some enjoyment in this film. I personally am not attracted to a 45 year old that almost will dive to no depth to draw attention to her average breast. Oh by the way, the boob jokes, and attention are there constantly. The dead horse is beaten, and made a stew out of by the 30 minute mark with it.
Even one of my favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan could not save the movie, by no fault of his own. They chose to merely stick him in as a cliché country hillbilly seduced by Vergara and Witherspoon's feigned lesbian make out session, then shoots his finger off while distracted. Then his beloved dog eats the finger. Tell me you didn't facepalm reading that, i dare you. That's quality of this film quantified.
I got up to go to the bathroom at one point, and decided to grab something to eat while i was up with absolutely no sense of urgency. It's as if the movie was a clock i was watching and not entertainment. In two weeks time i will have forgotten that this movie existed. Watch something better.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)
A bottomless pit of terrible
Paul blart 2 is an experiment in horrible acting. Kevin James is a known quantity of tacky "fat man in a little jacket" (also in quotations) "comedy", but his daughter Maya played by Raini Rodriguez is an abomination. She's as terrible and talentless as her little brother via modern family fame. She delivers all of her copy and pasted dialogue with the entuasium of eating a 3 day old ham sandwich. How she got work in Hollywood outside of a seven eleven highlights how terrible this series is to the core.
It's amazing there was a sequel or that this is now techniqually a series. It's one joke. Two movies based on one joke that was NEVER even funny. Overweight mall cop on a Segway.they just keep kicking the fur off the dead horse. Again and again it's not funny. I'm worried at this rate, if they make a third film, it will be so oppositely funny, that it may make it funny. Having a credit on this film must be more embarrassing than unemployment.
The worst part is, I don't think it's as bad as the first one. Maybe it's that lack of skateboarding super crooks or the fact that the first film is one of the worst movies of all time. But a 2/10 is still twice as good as I rated the first one
Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
More explosions than "action"
If what you're hearing about mad max fury road is that it is one big explosion filled car chase that's absolutely true. Which is okay. In a strange Michael bay fashion it's got some impressive moments, but the insanely high review scores will simply not stand the test of time. As a fan of the mad max series I don't believe the film insults or dilutes the mad max universe. I was most disappointed in the way it failed to capitalize on it. Such a perfect world to mold a story out of and bring to life in the way the video game industry has with the borderlands and fallout series over recent years. They fail making the universe interesting and deep and desperate. It never suspended my belief like a great movie should. This could've been any desert full of bandits. It seemed to be loosely inspired by, if not a flat out off brand version of a mad max movie.
Instead of a story in the realm of mad max they tryed to go with a balls out action movie, which once again is fine. But they wait an hour to try to add artificial drama. AN HOUR! Not that Theron acted her part poorly by any means. She doesn't have to prove herself at this point in her career. Clearly her few dramatic lines and "courageous intent" come wayyyyy too late in the movie to care. Almost as if somebody was like "wow, we need to add this ingredient to the Hollywood formula because that's what our investors demand" it's out of place and nearly makes you roll your eyes. It came of as so forced and phony it almost wrecked the entire thing for me.
Also I feel like cinematic direction and results didn't match. Much of the movie didn't have that flair that I felt it was nearly achieving. I guess the only example I could transfer to written word is during the dustnado-dust storm- scene. It looks as though they were going for the 300 type filter (which by the way had they pulled it off would've been perfect) but it kind of came out as a very budget version of that aesthetic. Also the white body paint didn't do any favors throughout the film. They didn't look like blockbuster cool body makeup. They just looked like normal people going to a football game.
My end game is they failed to really cement the viewer in the world. Forced some very unneeded drama. And honestly many of the action scenes never felt as intense as they should've been.either budget or ability ate into the final result. Hard to tell which.
Senior Project (2014)
You've seen this before...even if you haven't
First of all to address the higher than should be rating on IMDb is due to (at the time of this review) this film having 53 reviews! 53! Everyone that worked on this movie didn't even take the time to leave a positive rating.
Now to address Senior Project. It's not terrible or poorly done or insanely low budget. It's not the worst movie you'll ever see. But Senior Project is painfully mediocre. PAIN-FULLY. It took so few artistic risk it's somehow shy of cliché. I just imagine the theory for the movie was "we want our film to say what millions of other films have said....but you know....quieter. Maybe someone will watch it eventually."
There's nothing here for the viewer. It's a demo reel for some young actors and not much else. There's not one single laugh, or apex. No awe moments or "I hope he gets the girl" moments. There's not even a moment where the movie is funny bad. It just exist as passable content. A few actresses delivering some poor lines. And a few average ones. It's an incredibly inoffensive movie that seems like it wanted to be directed for teens....and children? But neither?
I also don't feel the need to post a synopsis on the film here. Seriously, read the log line. That's as deep as it goes. You can see this movie from start to finish in your head.
I won't say avoid it like plague. But there's nothing here for you. Take a risk on a better or worse indie movie please
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (2014)
I'm more upset with the reviews than the movie
Right out the gate I gave this movie a 2/10 purely because it's visually a Hollywood quality movie. It offers nothing else AT ALL! The funny thing is the previous 5-10 reviews all point out most of the same exact issues with the movie I found.
1st off, this is the ugliest cast of a Hollywood movie I've ever seen. I love Carell, but let's face it, he's no male model. Gardner has a disaster pie for a face. And the kids all look like the ugly cousins from out of state that you often forget you're related to. Alexander is an amazingly under developed 12 year old, and I get it at 12 not all kids are not physically mature. But I think he'd pass more for a 10 year old. And of course his nemesis also looks like a 9 year old dressed from justin bieber's closet. I know these are the most superficial complaints of all time but visually it's laughable. The 12 year old version of myself could have picked on Alexander's older brother so I find it all entirely unrelateable.
Also other users noticed there is something wrong with Alexander's mouth. Something very wrong. Some goofy Cawk-jawed lisp.It makes every second of dialogue unbearable to watch and hear. IT'S OFFENSIVE TO TWO SENSES!!! Why did you cast this kid!?
Worst of all, I didn't expect a masterpiece. But with Carell I had exspectations of a G rated knee slapper with some inoffensive family mishaps worth watching. But this movie is so out of touch with high school and pre-teen life it's nearly the only laughable factor of the film. I'm in my early 20's and the "slang" that's lumped into the film was on the way out of fashion when I WAS 12. Seriously. An axe body spray bit in 2014-2015? Are you kidding me!?!! No surprise it's based on a book by an 80 year old woman and screen written by a 40 year old that I doubt ever said "tight" in his life. I'm surprised the movie wasn't called -lol, brb- and the only way to reserve tickets was to call Mr.movie phone
Oh and an 80 minute runtime including credits? I'm sure at 120 minutes this could be a lethal dose of 2004 relevant material
Unbelievable the ridiculous positive reviews near the the bottom of the reviews. A 10/10? In what universe could this be a perfect movie? Have you ever seen a movie before? I understand an 8/10 if you have poor taste. But a perfect 10/10? This wasn't even the best family movie of the year. It wasn't even a good family movie. Skip it at all costs, and buy your kids monsters inc if you want a good family movie
Nipples & Palm Trees (2012)
Unwatchable
This is that no budget sony handicam trash that people over 40 confuse high quality low budget indie movies with. It's utterly unwatchable. I'm sure of the maybe 1,000 people that have watched it, a dozen will claim this art house monstrosity is too intelligent or professional or artistic for others to understand.
It's not. It's crap. "Oh look it's my waist and my elbow why I talk. So artsy"
Fails to entertain on any level. Of the 226 review it has a 3.6 overall rating at the moment. And 3 super positive reviews before I drop this one. Meaning 222 people hated it so much it wasn't worth their time reviewing. But I didn't want anyone to be mislead by the three reviews of the parents of the actors. So avoid it. Unless you liked generation um and enjoy homemade movies.
Atlas Shrugged: Part III (2014)
Couldn't finish. And I've waited 4 years to see galt
Let me start off by saying, I hate the idea of reviewing a movie without finishing. Especially a move that's only 90 or so long. But then comes a series like atlas shrugged.
I loved the first one. Had no interest in the concept but I found it compelling. Hate Taylor schilling, but thought she nailed dagny, and played the best role of her career. I made the mistake of getting invested into the cliffhanger of a series.then part 2 came. The worst sequel of any series ever. Every.single.actor changed. I know why, and I understand it. But every single actor was a downgrade. Suddenly Dagny was a 39 year mother of two and the movie was filled with B-actors. I'm pretty sure I wrote my first IMDb review the night I saw it. Then part 3. Oh god. I've had it sitting here for free for a few days and I just kept finding excuses to avoid the heart break but here we go.
Part 3. Immediately the very first thing you'll notice is it's cheap. Not charmingly indie low budget but straight up filmed in someone's freaking house with natural lighting cheap! I was done with the movie in the first scene.it lacks the Hollywood magic entirely. Right now I'm about 20 minutes in and it's so poor, that I've already decided to turn it off when I'm finished with my lengthy review. That's a first. A movie so bad that you have to write a poor review before you can not finish it.
Also Dagny isn't as bloody awful of a fit as she was in part 2, but she's not better. She lacks all the elements that schilling brought to the character in the first movie. I noticed another reviewer say she in no way carrys herself in an executive mannor and that couldn't be more spot on. She has no character at all. She's simply a blonde woman that could be standing in line at Starbucks. She missed her calling as a background dancer because she's entirely unnoticeable. Also the childhood bf role choice is almost hilarious. He's clearly 20 years older. No leather jacket will put a band-aid on that reality. And galt. I won't go into the depths of the disappointment of that immediate reveal. He's clearly the lowest budget version of as close to Chris pine/josh duhamel they could find. If you didn't notice that watch it again and tell me I'm wrong. Cus he looks like their love child except near chubby and a lifeless actor.
The narrating bits would haven't been so off putting if they weren't spoken by such a terrible, unlikeable, spiritless narrorator. And the editing. The editing is just what puts this movie into the unwatchable category. I'm not being mean to be mean when I tell you I'm subscribed to half a dozen YouTube channels that edit better in daily videos than this entire movie. Sony Vegas guys. It's only like $90.
The actors across the board are not simply unknowns. They're bland cut outs in a film chicken winged by its terrible quality. The leads are bad. The supporting actors aren't bad enough to blame, but they're certainly forgettable. I gave the film a 3/10 because there were no boom mics dipping in the shots.its not funny bad or train wreck bad. It's simply poor. It's just the disappoint after the disaster after the tease (the series in reverse order if your poetic sense is lost). Part 2 was a 1 for me. So this isn't as flat out terrible. Part 1 was a 7.5-8.
Bonus:
Now to reflect that fact that this isn't about the budget but rather how the $5,000,000 was used here is a list of good and great movies that you SHOULD WATCH made for $6,000,000 or less
The guard, beginners, paranormal activity 1 ($15,000!only $15,000!!!), saw 1, napoleon dynamite ($400,000), Donnie darko, reservoir dogs, super, rocky (even now the film quality is better than atlas shrugged 3),safety not guaranteed, mad max, clerks.
So please just avoid atlas shrugged pt 3. It's not funny bad. It's not shaking your head bad. It's just made with the lack of flair and integrity that we watch films to see. There's nothing there for the viewer. It's almost as if a box were checked, finished atlas shrugged- move on.it must've been so hard promoting a movie knowing it offered nothing
Liberal Arts (2012)
Worth the wait
I saw the trailer for this by chance the one time I didn't fast forward through them while eating a pop tart. Months later after a searching for a rental I was about to order it through amazon. By luck I decided last minute to check one more place before shelling out $17 and by Devine Intervention they had it.
I was so excited to get it home, climb in bed, and just be immersed....and guess what
It delivered
From the first 15 minutes I already knew I liked it. It was Immediately charming in the wonderful indie, coming of age way, that all of us secretly crave. All the actors were great. The money was spent on the right people and they were used in the right way.
This was the closest to joy I've felt since the first time I experienced the perks of being a wallflower. And honestly I'd had a bit of a hard time finding that feeling since. If you liked that you'll enjoy this.
Now why an 8 if I'm comparing it to one of my favorite movies in the last 5 years? I felt it kinda lacked that last little bit of resolution. That last little "We did it" or "We failed" or "we got married" moment that as human beings we need for a perfect story to end. It needed that closure to go from good to great. Also you were kinda expecting some resolution with Efron's character. One little, he graduated from Yale, or he opened a vet clinic moment, or they run into him ten years later and his free spirits payed off. Something like that.
All in all I'm glad I discovered it, I'm glad I searched for it, and I'm glad I found it. It's got charm for days. Just needed a happy ending. Some closure
Oblivion (2013)
Uhhh what
You know that feeling where you get caught holding the bag? Where you feel like you knew you took a risk but were still wrongly done. That's how I felt renting this movie. Not a big sci-fy guy so take this with a grain of salt if you're a space fanatic, but I was like alright Tom cruise, Morgan freeman, and one of the better looking bond girls in recent years, this can't fail.
BUT THEN IT DID. Let me just ask, which cat forgot to bury this turd in litter. What an awful, awful, SEDATING, pile of cat crap. Visuals blah blah blah, visually, there's a 10 movies every year pushing boundaries. Animators on this you do your Job well, but so does the best player on the rival team. You respect that player, but you wouldn't be caught dead being supportive of that team.
Just.... There's not much to say here. It was just a bunch of recycled sci-fy garbage. If you replaced Tom cruise with Clive Owen and Morgan freeman with Gerry Bussey, and changed nothing else, you'd see how few redeemable qualities there really were. A.I. Based aliens from outer space conning human clones into doing its bidding while it steals earths water... Hasn't this been done a thousand damn times. Even little hints of total recall thievery with the mind wipe and the reoccurring dreams of deep cemented memories.
Seriously. Even if you haven't seen this, you've seen this. At least when a new iPhone comes out every 6 months it's improved in some way. Any way.
Now You See Me (2013)
It's amazing how much I agree with the other reviews
This is the first time in IMDb history I wish there was a like button because every 6 star review said the same thing I'm about to say.
It's not an awful film. But wasn't happy that It was much different than I expected. I was led to believe that it was more humorous than serious, which it did have a few knee slappers I guess, but it was similar to dark shadows in the way it seemed to be marketed one way and was something totally different.
I agree with many other reviewers that it was trying to be way smarter than it actually was (ironically all the 9-10 stars mentioned it was very smart? Haha coincidence... I think not) Jesse Eisenberg's character was supposed to be self-serving yet smooth like you'd imagine a world class magician to be. But unlike the other reviewers I very much disliked him being the superficial intelligent guy. I don't think he pulled it off and it was unnatural/unconvincing. He doesn't have that Anthony Hopkins factor that makes you believe this man knows more than me and is already mentally dominating everyone in the room. Maybe could pass as a fairly intelligent guy because I'm sure he is, but he can't talk the mad scientist talk. That being said the parts that didn't force him to speak out of his range he did as solid as ever. I do genuinely like the guy.
Woody shinned and kinda made me desire a much bigger part from him. Seemed like a waste to pull the starting Qaurterback in the 4th quarter if you catch my drift. Young Franco did better as an actor than his other roles but maybe could've chose someone better to do the fight scene. It was well put together and everything but I was sitting there like..... 5 foot nothing 160 pound Dave Franco couldn't forcefully take a box of thin mints from a girl scout.
But here's the grand pisser. Those who say the movie was thrilling and smart with huge twist are kind of shooting blanks here. They weren't as much twists, more the "plot pinch". No crazier than Monsters Inc. & Toy Story. And the "Thriller" element is greatly exaggerated. You're not guessing the whole movie, pretty much the last 20 minutes is like.... Somebody's in on this. Of course you're going to self - consciously make assumptions, but there's no shifting in your seat. No cold sweats and hair twirling. It's almost an after thought in plot that really delivers very little.
Overall it's being listed as a mystery action crime thriller. Instead of being under an umbrella of genre's like all the greatest films, it seems to be stuck between stations. Woven thin like a cheap wash cloth. The reoccurring theme is that it's missing a few pieces and some others fit incorrectly. Worth a watch if you're a movie buff, but a Rewatch may not be rewarding.
Mental (2012)
Solid foreign venture
Outside of mad Max I'm not much of an Aussie cinema buff.
Accents can be enough to squash interest for us colonials, but id like to ease concern. The Aussie tongue is thick enough to have you worried in the first ten minutes but not thick enough that you want to give up watching. It's a helpful bonus that most of the actors do an great job, and that always make acclimating to a different tongue much more painless. Certainly a watchable film from the wrong hemisphere.
Also lily Sullivan shines. I was hypnotized by her. She's lovely, yet brilliantly normal, but intriguingly interesting. I spent half the film thinking, wow I can't wait for her to get to Hollywood. And I sincerely mean that. Shes got quite an enjoyable gleam about her.
Enough of the schoolboy crush. The film itself was watchable.nothing bad about it. It had a few high points and some dull gray areas. Nothing wrong with it, just felt like 2 or 3 seriously funny parts would have taken it from 'worth watching' to a 'must watch'
A good little change of pace for an American like myself. I thought it was a well deserved redbox rental.
Spring Breakers (2012)
I don't even know where to start
Let me begin with one giant Ughhhhhhhhh!!!
Where to even begin? The first 20 minutes of the movie are "spring breakers" going wild, pouring beer on breast, making out, and very awkward (very zoomed!) views of party girls yoohoos. If you're over 30 I'm sure it would make you feel like a pedophile just to watch the opening scene. Oh yea, did I mention the other 70 minutes of the film was exactly the same, and worse yet, the same party scenes were used on ballpark, around 20 times. I'm sure if ran into a few of the topless teens on a night out on the town I could recognize them, because they were shown that many times.
Selena Gomez was trying to act like a skank but with held much of her actual skank ability and seemed awkward and fake throughout. Vanessa Hudgens let her slut flag fly from start to finish. Don't think she had to work all that hard to portray her character. And Franco? Dear god. I honestly spent the whole movie trying to figure our If I was supposed to be laughing or convinced that he was a crazy ass gangster. It seemed like a bad piece of sketch comedy for an hour and a half.
Oh by the way the guest appearance and sex scene by rapper Gucci Mane was the least amusing thing I've seen since the STD videos in health class.
To sum it up: for some reason I'm giving it a 3/10. I don't know why to be honest. Maybe parts of it were just so bad I'm thankful for it being over. After the 50th time "Alien" says spring break. Spriiiing break you'll fight your will to hit the eject button I promise. More repetitive than a 7th grade poem.
I'd recommend drinking yourself into a stooper and getting into a screaming match with your neighbor before renting this. Unless you're coo-coo for high school musical booty I can't ponder a reason to own it.
One Hour Photo (2002)
Wow
Anyone that knows me, knows I openly do not enjoy Robin Williams, so I was very timid to sell myself into watching this. Eventually the plot was too juicy and somewhat strange to pass up. Walked myself down to the bargain bin and scooped this up
What I realized about 30 minutes in was for $2.95 I had hit an absolute home run. My feelings about Robin Williams were sandblasted away from my conscious, and if anything I thought for one of the first times in my life that he was an outright star and created a character so terribly hurt and introverted that I would find great pleasure in seeing that identical character in more films.
I gave it a 9, and that's a dead solid indie 9. If it were a massive budget blockbuster with a theater full of friends you may not see it that way but it's the definition of intelligent indie making. There are no explosions or car chases so don't expect that. This is the PERFECT film for a dark rainy night by yourself. It moved slow and somewhat quiet manner but in the most positive light.
All in all this film is in a niche. A wonderful little niche and everyone involved should be proud. It's one of those films you miss for 10 years (like myself) and then magically stumble upon expecting nothing, but instead end up asking yourself "how did I miss this!?"
Generation Um... (2012)
Just UGGGGH!
This movie is about as intriguing as a poorly sharpened stick. It's a great example of what non-movie addicts mentally imagine an indie movie to be. The visual is passable but the sound is pathetic. You make it 20 minutes in before you can understand any spoken words. Certainly one of those unwatchable crap shoots where every car, bird, and foot step blows your ear drums out but you have to turn your volume to 90 when anything is said.
Unwatchable, uninteresting, and not worth watching for money.
If you crapped in one hand, and place this movie in the other, you'd have two hands full of crap
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
Meh....maybe if you're 14
I'll start my review saying I guess this is on the watchable side of 4/10. I gave up on the last ten minutes of the film, simply because I watched an even worse movie previous and I was starting to feel like I was wasting my whole day off work.
Regaurdless, I will start by saying this movie really seemed like 6 studio heads at a table saying "ok, I'm sure this project will make a few bucks just on curiosity, let's green light it" It's written very simply, and felt more like a paycheck for a guild writer than and experience. The common, illogical path to locations named "the witches layer" to prevent events that coincide with "the blood moon ritual" seem like everything you've ever seen before with the least creative story to bring them to those plot points.
It's a movie that can be associated with the phrase "left you wanting more" , except in the literal sense, it's such drab and dry path, you're thankful there isn't "more"
I'm not a Renner fan, the mans beard looks like my fathers receding hair line (thankfully he's clean shaven for once) but on this one occasion, even he seemed in a different league than everyone else. At least he tried to deliver his lines in a natural manner, so there's respect for his chops. Gemma Arterton on the other hand was an absolute burden from her first scene. I'll give her some slack, because most of her speaking parts were written terribly and generic, but her acting still turned me off like a Plague rat.
If you ever wondered what a screenplay written over lunch would look like, this film would be it. The gore was so surprising it was almost enjoyable, but other than that this is just one repackaged cliché.
In a world of steak it's simply just spam
The Tree of Life (2011)
Don't call it unfair, if there's a booger in the appetizer, you don't wait for your burger!
Look, I know what you're thinking, reviewing something you didn't finish is the cardinal sin of being a backseat critic. Rules are meant to be broken, and this movie is the golden goose of exceptions!
I made it a whole, maybe 20 minutes in.
That was enough to know the turd from the bowl. This is not a standard film. It's not meant to entertain anyone but people who believe they're above the normal way of thinking.
So straight shooting, it's crap. Dead on arrival. It's a collage of mumbling narrative and beautiful art shots. Anything that pertains to the characters is filmed in a stomach swirling moving shot and has all the integrity of a teen Age boy experimenting with a sony handicam. I only made it 20 minutes because it somehow simulated motion sickness for me. If you're sober and want to watch a movie avoid this film like a Plague!!!
BUT! And this is a big but! If you have a big, stinky bag of weed and you are looking to watch something to trip to, (I'm assuming, because I haven't touched the stuff since high school) this film would be better than spongebob.
So if you didn't feel like reading all my rambling this is the point : Anyone who told you this is a must watch is smoking some Jamaican grade wacky weed. If you are in a sober state leave this movie on a shelf.
Safe Haven (2013)
I chose 1/10 because -4/10 was not a choice
So a female friend of mine told me she cried her eyes out to this in the theaters so I assumed that meant this film would have some sort of entertainment value....dear god was that a poor assumption. So basically this is what I texted her after I suffered through this 2 hour bowel movement from the local redbox (by basically I mean verbatim)
Me: "So what was it about safe haven that made you cry? Was it Julianne Hough's near smoker voice, her below average beauty, or her pitiful acting? Waiiiit was it the 40 year old Josh Duhamel with a 12 year olds haircut, that's cotton wrist sweat bands away from screaming mid life crisis? Hahaha that movie was 154 minutes of lifeless imitation and 1 minute of a half decent tasteful ending. But then again even the song that queued with the ending credits reminded me that not a full 2 minutes of the film were possible to enjoy. I'd rather get a circumcision from Edward Scissorhands than watch that movie twice. "
I like Duhamel in small doses, don't get me wrong, but he was entirely wrong for this role. The haircut (seriously, the little rascals barbershop give you a makeover) was distracting. It looked like a floating rag on his square head. He 'was Alex' about as much as woody Allen could be superman. Hough is another story. I kept asking around how she got a leading role. Was it from those face soap commercials? Because that girl, ain't-even famous. She's attractive from a distance but once you have to look at her for 30 seconds you realize she's vanilla with eyes & lips. Her acting was unbearable (it was like she looked up, expecting a cookie after every line) and her voice sounded like a 12 year old boy going through changes.
All in all, I rented it for $1.30.....I'd pay $1.40 for them to take it back