cosmo-bongo Reviews

Last Passenger (2013)

Could not understand lead actor's weird accent !

[2/10 · 3 June 2014]

This is a fair movie, but it is absolutely SPOILED because the lead actor's accent is next to impossible to understand. Dougray Scott was born in Scotland and has the strangest Scottish accent I have ever heard. This is compounded by the fact that he MUMBLES and seems to have a physical problem with his mouth.

WHY was he selected for the top role? WHY?

Anyway, the film is a rather below-par "thriller" with many boring scenes and a few reasonably exciting scenes.

Overall, watch it only if you have nothing to do and don't have to pay for it. 2/10.

White House Down (2013)

Nothing to recommend it, waste of time & space

[1/10 · 3 June 2014]

SPOILERS: This movie was shot in almost total darkness. Even though I cranked up brightness to maximum on my big plasma screen, most scenes were extremely dark. What is WRONG with the director, the cinematographer? Even the scenes outside in sunlight seem to have been shot through black gauze. Ridiculous. Thank goodness I saw this flick free on TV.

Despite the fact that it is an "action" film, it is dull and boring, highly predictable, unbelievable and stupid.

Maggie Gellenhahl(?) is a major fault: weak and silly, looked utterly disinterested. How did she become an actress? Jamie Fox is miscast as the president, totally inane. James Woods was ineffective, not into his part, just walking through it.

The "plot" is full of holes, usual situation with this kind of 3rd-rate mindless attempt at movie-making.

A film that has NOTHING to recommend it, except perhaps that it is an excellent lesson in how NOT to make a movie. Disgraceful.

Red Rose of Normandy (2011 Video)

Hopeless, hapless, inane, pathetic attempt at cinema

[1/10 · 26 May 2014]

I thought this was a poor parody or a dreadful comedy about the Third Reich, having just stumbled on it on TV. It purports to be a serious motion picture, however. Oh Dear!

The acting is less than 3rd-rate, the script a joke. Even the uniforms do not fit too well.

One of the "actresses" who is a Nazi nurse wears a skirt several inches above her knees and apparently has just received uber-excessive lip- plumping, for she cannot close her mouth properly, looks like a fish gulping; her face is like a mask, almost frightening.

There is some kind of plot or storyline, but I could not detect it, and I could not bear the thought of watching this cinematic dross through to its conclusion. There is a romance involved, and I suppose the Nazis end up losing the war, as usual.

Truly, this is one of the weirdest films I have ever encountered. It will very quickly be forgotten, though, and I advise you NOT to bother with it at all.

In a word: "abysmal".

Out of the Past (1947)

Very dated, boring, an oddity

[4/10 · 30 April 2014]

Potential spoilers: Sorry, but I found this movie so very dull and dated that I switched it off after an hour.

Robert Mitchum comes across as a kind of vacant halfwit, mumbling his way through his lines, apparently disinterested. That fever caught me!

Kirk Douglas is silly, snide and smarmy. The women are straight from Central Casting, nothing special.

No one in the cast was a standout, nothing memorable.

The plot is lame. The photography passable, direction far more competent than this would-be film-noir flick deserved.

I realise it is now 67 years since it was made, but this is one old B&W movie that is now an oddity, interesting for those who like Mitchum and/or Douglas, and who perhaps enjoy post-WW2 cartoon America. I was deeply disappointed after seeing many glowing reviews.

I rate it overall 4 out of 10. Thanks for reading.

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

Pretentious rubbish all the way.

[1/10 · 9 September 2013]

Frankly, I cannot think of one positive thing to say about this movie other than that the credits (white on black) did not roll until the film had ended. I was all set for an entertaining flick which might give me a few scares ~~ this is an embarrassing amateur "snoozer".

In my time I have seen as few hundred films of this and similar genres. This sits right at the bottom. To think that thare are two previous in the "series" is astounding. Apparently there is a market for this kind of dross.

Thank goodness for the FF button which allowed me to get through this nonsense without wasting a full 80 minutes.

Exit Humanity (2011)

Lousy sound track prevented me from watching this flick, alas!

[4/10 · 28 March 2013]

This appeared to be a promising film, but I am unable to get past the first 15 minutes or so because the sound track is so dreadful, often with music and "FX" running loudly in the background.

Where the technical people placed the microphones, I don't know, but this presentation is unforgivable.

The narrator has a very low, mumbly voice ~~ to make matters worse.

I give this film 4 out of 10, cannot be more generous I'm afraid. There is little more that I can add to make this review up to 10 lines, other than my absolute amazement at the stupidity of the producers in allowing this motion picture to be released as is. Yes, it had great promise, but it has been utterly ruined by the sound track and the MUMBLY voiced narrator who is overly-dramatic and sounds silly.

Hunt to Kill (2010)

Fails on every score

[2/10 · 13 January 2012]

Unless you are a deeply dedicated fan of one of the "stars" in this film, you will, like me, be sorely disappointed, I'm sure.

The flick fails on every score, from the dull cinematography, to the wooden stilted acting and posing, to the amateur dialogues, to the hapless direction and silly music choices.

After reading a few reviews on this site, I thought I'd be in for an action treat, at least a clever thriller movie, but I was let down dreadfully.

Well, I paid only a couple dollars for this at a charity shop, so I don't have any regrets, apart from my time wasted trying to watch it!

Ned Kelly (2003)

could not understand accents, spoiled movie for me

[2/10 · 7 November 2011]

Sorry, but I had to rate this film very low, primarily because I could not understand the Irish/Australian accents. I caught maybe one word out of five or six and was therefore unable to make sense of most of what was said. And, unfortunately, the DVD subtitles did not work -- first time I have encountered this problem with any DVD over the years! The movie seems to have been shot with the camera's aperture closed down a couple of stops, for it was very dark. I had to set picture quality to VIVID and turn up the brightness to obtain a decent picture. Even then many scenes were ridiculously dark. And there's nothing wrong with my equipment, have been watching many movies the last few weeks.

Overall, the pace of Ned Kelly was slow and plodding, with long, long lingering shots that were not necessary, that added nothing, but rather simply occupied time.

I was looking forward greatly to this title, and feel terribly let down.

Saw VI (2009)

Hugely disappointing, this franchise needs to stop now.

[2/10 · 2 March 2010]

After rather disappointing submissions for #4 and #5, I was hoping for a new injection of life and creativity for #6. Alas, what a bitter disappointment this was, just a series of tortures, that's all, and quite dull at that imho. I'm afraid it is now time, because the creative minds have run of of ideas and we're being subjected to the law of diminishing returns, to stop this franchise. Even the traps and tortures are repeats, much of the "sameness", especially with head grabbers. Let's see some NEW ideas in the horror genre. Jigsaw is dead, so let's now put this franchise to sleep! The first remains easily the best.

Carve Her Name with Pride (1958)

Boring, dull, unbelievable plot/scenes

[4/10 · 13 May 2008]

SPOILER AT THE END OF THIS! Sorry to go against the tide, but this flick almost put me to sleep. It is extremely slow-moving and dull, with many scenes that stretch believability and common-sense. The lead, Virginia McKenna, always looks as though she's just stood up from the make-up and hairstylist's chair, everything just-so, pert & pretty. Her acting is wooden. I just cannot get over thinking of her as a dress model. The direction helped to sink this film, boring, unimaginative. On the plus side, I do have a liking for 1940s/50s B&W British movies, war stories especially. That's probably why I sat through this -- at home. In a movie theatre, I'd have walked out for sure. I could recommend this film only to die-hard Virginia McKenna fans, or those who simply must see every British WW2 movie ever made. The 4 stars I have this movie are generous, mainly for atmosphere and for the fact that the terrible actor playing her husband died very early on.

The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover (1989)

disgusting and perverted waste of time

[1/10 · 11 May 2008]

SPOILERS AHEAD: A disgusting, perverted waste of two hours.

I cannot think of ANY redeeming features for this film, not in any respect - from acting, scenery, to direction and script.

Helen Mirren was her usual self, with her drooping bosom and pubic hair on display. The sex scenes were tawdry & uninspired. What a laugh that this woman ended up playing the queen! The film is pointless and annoying in the extreme, shot a few stops underexposed and/or without sufficient lighting.

The high-pitched screeching singing of one character at several points in the film adds to the overall irritation to the viewer.

The gangster character seems to be trying to imitate Michael Caine's cockney accent, with very limited success.

It is rare for me to give a flat "Don't Waste Your Time" but this film has earned that 100%.

Into the Blue (2005)

Awful, pathetic mess of a movie

[1/10 · 6 December 2006]

Thank the Lord I didn't pay to see this, but just saw it on TV. Not even Jessica Alba's half-nude rear end could come remotely close to saving this disaster of a movie. OK, a few nice underwater shots, but I've seen far better in many other movies and in documentaries, also in amateur footage shot around Bermuda, for example. This film exhibits high-school style direction, bad acting, a silly "plot", boring scenes, and dull dialogue. Might possibly be of slight interest to some adolescents who have zero demands for plot or character development, and cinematic style, but other than that, it's just an inconsequential flick of no real value other than to provide a vehicle to promote the over-rated Jessica Alba, sadly.

Danger UXB (1979)

Superlative in all respects

[10/10 · 29 May 2006]

A magnificent achievement in British film-making, portraying the bomb-defusing activities and private lives of the men in this extraordinarily dangerous branch of the service in World War Two England. The acting is superb, attention to detail meticulous, casting perfect, scenes totally realistic, pacing perfect, and there's a wonderful balance of tension, romance, humour, and tragedy. I saw this series on TV in Bermuda in 1985, recently (2006) viewed the programmes again - still as marvellous today, maybe even more so as the production values have more than stood the test of time. How the person who rated this series "6" arrived at that figure completely escapes me! Highest recommendation.

Steptoe & Son (1972)

The Lowest, most Disgusting Form of British "Humour"

[1/10 · 15 March 2006]

Truly a disgusting, vile film, with only a small amount of real humour.

The character of the father in particular is vulgar in the extreme (intentionally so, obviously), and portrayed in the most pathetic, seedy manner.

My wife and I found this film horribly upsetting, with absolutely no redeeming features at all. Frankly, I wish I had never seen it.

I consider this British effort to be a sick and gross embarrassment.

Those who enjoyed this film have an ability I totally lack: that of rejoicing in a display of deep depravity and squalor.

The producers should be ashamed of themselves.

The Devil's Advocate (1997)

film ruined by loud music, loud sound effects, and screaming

[5/10 · 19 June 2005]

I would have given this film a much higher rating, had it not been for the fact that the screaming, music, and sfx were incredibly LOUD, in effect sabotaging the movie and profoundly affecting adversely my enjoyment of it - and my wife's. I had to continually adjust the sound level and, in several passages, I turned the sound completely off. Even so, my eardrums were ringing and literally hurt.

The story is fascinating, DeNiro plays a compelling role - but no need to YELL so much. This is a role that needs understatement, not shouting.

The title reveals the main thrust of the film, unfortunately, and no one, surely, will be taken by surprise when they find out what is really going on, who's who.

This study of high-power attorney brokering, morals, pressures, their activities & romances is truly exciting and suspenseful, a real tour-de-force.

The sets are dark, trying to attain a film-noire effect, I assume. I'd have preferred more lighting or a wider lens opening. Of course, the flick itself is "dark" and clearly the director was striving for atmosphere; I don't feel this was necessary as the story itself unfolds well and provides its own aura. More frightening in broad daylight than in shadows or unlit corners! Certainly recommended, but keep your remote handy for the sound!