Opethian Reviews

Barney's Great Adventure (1998)

Chilling realisation of a philisophical vision

[10/10 · 6 August 2004]

This masterpiece is possibly the most most misunderstood and underated film of all time. While many people see it as a chance to cash in on the purple dinosaur personality who instructs children through television, it is in fact a harrowing dissection of the human subconscius.

The recurring image of the energy contained within the barn is representative of the violent, perhaps deviant tendencies repressed (not so deeply?) within the young human characters in the film.

The film then continues to raise questions about why the children struggle to release this energy. The image of the circus later in the oeuvre is especially indicative of the playful nature with which the children play with serious "philisophical danger", if you will.

This is a work that will haunt the more perceptive viewer for weeks, maybe months after seeing it.

Gabbeh (1996)

Groovy, man!

[8/10 · 6 August 2004]

Gabbeh is a groovy kinda flick, very psychedelic coming from a country known for its radical religosity (i.e. they kill people for listening to rock music etc.)

It essentially builds up to a climax where this old dude howls like a wolf while beating a gabbeh. Myself and my remarkably attractive friend Andrew were doubled up in laughter at thi scene, following the bleakness of the subsequent happenings of the movie.

Overall, I would recommend this to anyone who is tired of being spoonfed bilge from the Hollywood rubbish machine. It has a good heart, and it's not too long either!

The Saddest Music in the World (2003)

Diffusion

[8/10 · 21 May 2004]

I enjoyed this film. It is mostly shot in black and white. Kazuo Ishiguro wrote the screenplay so the characters are detached and surreal but intensely poignant. This is a musical film and in an effort to make this look like an old film, the source of the music is always identifiable.

There are often strong contrasts between light and dark and surfaces glare sometimes, but mostly the light is very diffused. In sequences of fast camera movement, this can sometimes cause the image to be constantly changing montage of black and white areas. This film also contains some unexpected and crazy yet very funny jokes and gags.

This is a very original and effective film. It was a bit confusing, but I liked it.

American Beauty (1999)

Not cutting enough!

[7/10 · 5 April 2004]

I didn't like "American Beauty". There wasn't enough violence or sex in the film, and when this happens I get real angry, like so angry I could eat my tight boxers. The film also lacked Arnold Schwarzenegger, who must truly be the hottest actor and therefore best actor in tinseltown. Spacey just swanned around looking neurotic.

The cinematography and colour placement was awful and derivative. Why did they have those red roses all over the place? They had no relation to the story. If they needed cheap props, they should have lined the house with Frankfurter sausages.

The most annoying thing about this film is that it opens with the line, "My name is Lester Banks." Duh! I read that on the back of the video. How stupid can you be? The back of the video said this was a "cutting picture", but no one got cut in it! I spilled some beer on my good "SEX MACHINE" t-shirt while watching this film, it made me so angry.

Kindergarten Cop (1990)

The Greatest Film of All Time!

[10/10 · 4 April 2004]

This is my favourite film of all time. Arnold Schwarzenegger, the hottest and therefore best actor of all time, flexes his brain muscles with the kiddies in this charming family film that will appeal to all. The film opens with Arnold acting brilliantly, looking hot in a supermarket. It works up to a devastating climax of child explosions (in a metaphorical sense).

"Citizen Kane" cannot hold a candle to the innovative cinematography of this film. And did I mention that Arnold looks really hot in this film? Way hotter than Orson Welles, who is non-hot and fat. Unfortunately, Arnold doesn't take off his shirt in this film, but it is a family picture, so I guess the director, Ivan Reitman, forced him to wear one.

This is a pedagogical meisterwork!! Check it out today!