artisannes Reviews

Drive (I) (2011)

Long and Winding Refn

[2/10 · 20 March 2012]

I was eager to see this (based on some good reviews – therein lies..) and the film begins with a driving sequence in which the character, drives a couple of evil doers to safe harbour. Unlike the Mechanic, where Statham roars off at Concord speed and never brakes, driver is skilled to the point of knowing when to stop, keep to the speed limit, creep, conceal and yes, at times, do the Concord thing.

The opening was pretty much the best thing in the film. There is very little driving thereafter that ever reaches this remarkable first outing, where skill really does knock the blockbusters into their jolly genre.

Christina Hendricks is great in what is really a cameo role and shows that it is wrong to niche her to Mad Men.

Carey Mulligan has a semi-smile on her face much of the time. I wondered if that had more to do with the fact that she was thinking – and I am getting paid for this crap – than attempting to impart enigmatic qualities to her character.

In his interview (extras on the DVD) Nicolas Winding Refn showed his strength at putting down audience members who posed questions. It is a dubious talent. The interviewer laughed nervously throughout but sadly, I think this was due to his actual belief that he was in the presence of greatness. No buddy, you weren't, Nicolas Winding Refn is a prat.

Rarely do I feel so utterly antagonistic towards someone I have never met but the man has so finely honed his pretentiousness to perfection, that I cannot help myself. The interview droned on with the subliminal aural message of. "I am brilliant but having watched his film, I have to decline to agree with him.

Ryan Gosling was remarkable and so wasted because of this. I just felt that he was rowing a boat that too quickly reached the edge of a world that wasn't round and so, just fell off.

Now if I could just take Nicolas Winding Refn to that same edge.

Letters to Juliet (2010)

An English accent is hard to master.

[5/10 · 27 June 2011]

According to his biog, Christopher Egan is a native of Sydney, Australia. And I for one have no problem believing this to be true.

Who then thought it a bright idea to cast him as an upper class Englishman? I have read others saying he was a caricature of Hugh Grant but one thing about Hugh that is accurate when it comes to his acting, is his accent. Egan mangled it and for me ruined what could have been a good film in the spirit of a 'Year in Provence', 'Under the Tuscan Sun', My House in Umbria' and others of that ilk.

Such a shame because the rest of the cast carried it off well, particularly Vanessa Redgrave who wafted an elegance each time she appeared and tried to look inspired at 'her grandson's' acting. Lord she must have been mortified.

And oh my - Franco Nero has aged well. They do make a very handsome couple in their real life pairing.

The Final (I) (2010)

Not a role model among them inc the Continuity script from Syfy

[1/10 · 20 June 2011]

It would appear that the message here is that the sadistic kids who torture the bullying kids (lopping off fingers, paralysing, disfiguring and so on) can be excused for their behaviour because they had suffered enormously at their victims' hands. Well it is far from being alright and I am unimpressed by this unpleasant film that I saw on the Horror Channel.

I was equally unimpressed by the flimsy intro given by the Sy Fy 'Horror Booth's' continuity presenter, which chose to reference the Columbine massacre as if it was an earlier and disappointing film for its lack of torture and real horror and went (I quote) as follow: "It's not always easy being different and in High School, as we all know, their social system really can be murder - you see you got your Plastics and the Jocks, then there's the Geeks and Goths and the two can never mix. Well, there you have it coming, you see after a while, all that torture and humiliation and bullying and cruelty can get a bit, well - get a bit too much, so much that one day the Geeks and the Goths might just - makes gesture with secateurs.

So the tables are turned on the bullies in this high school horror film, which rings more than a few alarm bells of the Columbine massacre when you think about the storyline. This time however the revenge of the Nerds is taken to the new and gory level of torture and it's surprisingly chilling as well as nasty. Set largely during a costume party the bullies are all drugged, chained up and about to learn the harshest lesson of their mediocre shallow lives. So bullies, beware, cause your time is up."

The Box (I) (2009)

Talking of pushing buttons - Adam and Eve deja vu

[1/10 · 1 January 2010]

Initially I thought the film might be quite interesting. For example, I stupidly assumed that the person to die would be on the other side of the world from the button pusher, thereby increasing the easing of guilt. But no, not only did all the deaths take place in the US; they appeared to take place in the same neighbourhood, yet the police were mighty slow on the uptake.

What really pushed my buttons however, was each time a button got pushed it was a woman that did it, with the male partner sitting blandly in waiting to take a bite out of the juicy apple she would be bringing him. Subtle as a brick bible dropping on a bunion. Maybe it would be nice to shift the blame every now and then to the male gender don't you think? The bible was of course very much in evidence - lightning rod, flood water, angels i.e. servants, saving mankind or not, yadda, yadda, yadda. Oh and of course the thigh slapping hilarity of the reference to God having a sense of humour. Boy would he need it if he watches this film.

The Station Agent (2003)

Superb

[10/10 · 20 May 2008]

An utter gem.

It seems I have to submit ten lines of text, which is sad given that this is one of those films that left me in a satisfied silence, rather like when you've devoured a whole tub of Dulche du Leche Haagen Daz but without the follow up guilt.

The film was smooth, sweet and served in perfectly spooned portions. The cast, like the ice cream's ingredients each played their role perfectly and blended beautifully. I wished I could have sat on the porch and joined in the friendship.

If you get a chance to see it, do so, it is gentle and enchanting.

Broken (III) (2006)

Don't write them off

[26 August 2007]

Generally I skip the extras they put on a movie DVD but in the case of Broken, I found them rather interesting.

In spite of the threats postured by Adam Mason (who claims he is not a misogynist yet uses the c word to demonstrate true hate, which is why women have such a problem with the word) I am going to say what I really think.

If you have ever worked in the industry trying to get a film off the ground (or know someone who has) you have to sympathize with the guys. The movie world is full of people who have endless meetings (preferably catered) who can't seem to pronounce the yes word and rarely will stick their necks out for fear of their employers' chopper.

I've seen some crap horror films in my time but to my amazement I wouldn't include this as one of them. On the budget they worked to – around £10,000 - the quality of the production, including the special effects was astounding.

For me the film hovered, as an estate agent would have it, betwixt and between gory crap and something all together more intellectual with possibilities. Don't get me wrong, I like gory but in some ways the bit at the beginning with the razor blade was a bit unnecessary because, although it started as a blood and gore horror film, that is not what it became.

News reports of captured children who live with their captors, sometimes for years are depressingly too frequent, yet snatched adults are a different matter. I wish they could have focused more on that because what made the scenario different was that the man had not seized the woman for sex, even though the captive uses it as a possible trust and escape tactic deeper in to the film.

The two lead actors were well matched and pretty fine actually. It was a relief that Nadya Brand is a real woman who would never fit in to a size zero and who was not required to have the three B's of current female movie star status - boob implants, bulimia and a Brazilian. Going back to the interviews, clearly Eric Colvin (who plays the man) likes the production team with a genuinely fond and almost parental amusement and I wonder if they realize just how much and how generous he was with his commitment.

I still haven't decided whether Adam Mason is superfluous to requirements or the genius of the team but I do know he is the sort of boy who in nursery was the one who stuck his finger up his bottom, wiggled it around, pulled it out and then showed it to the rest of the class.

And if I was a teacher and marking this movie I'd sum it up as 'Could do better'. And I suspect they probably will.

The Hamiltons (2006)

And the parents were Neil and Christine..

[1/10 · 7 July 2007]

If you are going to attempt building tension in a film it is always a good idea not to build it beyond the point of total tedium.

Unfortunately the Butcher Brothers haven't grasped this yet.

This film sucks, unlike the majority of its characters who (if you didn't work out they are vampires in the first few minutes then shame on you) preference stringing up the plentiful supply of 'no one knows where I am' cheerleader types and homosexual drifters that waft conveniently and with a fast food swagger, past their isolated door.

The only tiny bit of originality in the plot is how these vampires come to be vampires in the first place but the rest of it is ludicrous and sloppy.

Forced to up sticks (as opposed stakes) on a regular basis due to their penchant for filling their basement with bloodless corpses, they really are none too bright. If they fed their victims they could run their own little blood farm and it would cut down on the mortality rate, thereby allowing them to settle down and get chintzy.

Why the producers felt it necessary to introduce the incestuous twins and the homicidally gay older brother I am not sure. It added zero to the plot, which was unfortunate given that there wasn't a great deal of plot to start with and had no shock value at all.

One was never told why the parents had died, unless of course that was explained during one of my frequent tea breaks. Clearly the social worker must have been alerted to the family for some reason or other but again, it was for the viewer to write their own reason.

The only well rounded character was the youngest brother who emerges looking like Pugsley from the Adams Family. Indeed he was way too rounded, having the appearance of a child who has inadvertently wandered from a Weight watchers' class in to a very bad horror film. Oh heavens, he had. Never mind dear, have another doughnut with a yummy blood centre.

Blood Trails (2006)

Tedious

[6 March 2007]

This movie is so bad that it is still screening on my DVD while I type this so don't yet know the ending. Mind you, something tells me I could make a very educated guess.

Another reviewer compared it to a student film and boy is he right; in fact I swear I shot this at Brookland Tech in Weybridge on the film course in 1969.

Surely the censor should have refused it a rating at least to spare us actually spending money to watch it.

Just looked up and it's the old serrated knife against the heroine's milky white thigh - yawn. Can you just kill her pretty please Mr Badman - all she does is cycle furiously, scream and jump into rivers covered in blood; emerges cleansed of the blood and then - oh yes, even the continuity girl lost interest, becomes miraculously blood spattered again.

"This is you, this is who you are" - Oh for heaven's sake who wrote this crap? Avoid it like the plague.

The Da Vinci Code (2006)

An OK yarn - talking of yarns

[5/10 · 26 May 2006]

why, when the direct descendant of Jesus Christ discovers that is who she is, does she suddenly start wearing a shawl in a quasi-religious way. I found that absolutely hilarious. Women may be the power but cover up baby – no cleavage from here on in, it's the Mother Theresa wardrobe choice from now on no matter how far you've come.

And why too are all the believers all so hugely in awe of her, given that her mum is still alive, also a descendant of JC and in fact, a closer descendant to JC.

Essentially it passed some time and if it makes people question the more accepted version of events then that is in itself an achievement.

Something's Gotta Give (2003)

Explaining the crying scene and whoops - Harry's scarf

[4 July 2004]

I read a few comments and noted that some people berated the crying scene as over the top but...

Actually, it was rather subtle and maybe one has to be a woman of a 'certain age' to get it.

When we (women) are young we get hysterical when a relationship breaks up and our emotions are way out of control (note Erica's daughter's reaction to news of her father's remarriage as a version of the world ended). As we grow older we are supposed to grow, to learn, to realize that an ended relationship is not the end of our world. But hey - we don't :) However, we do start to appreciate the humorous side in tandem with our pain. So whilst bawling, we find ourselves laughing too because we have learnt we will survive. And that's what that scene was all about.

I am 50, thought the film was perfect and think it hugely funny that one comment concerned Keaton's nudity - well how else could one have done that scene? To my amazement I spotted a continuity error (and I wasn't even wearing my glasses - just wait those with 20/20 in your youth) concerning Harry's scarf in the French restaurant. He walks in with it tied one way and there is one brief flash of it being tied in another.

Bravo to all those involved with this film - it made my day.