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Reviews
The Dark Tower (2017)
Take a great story and remove the story...Goldsman does it again
Wow! Akiva Goldsman does it again. Beware anything that has his name anywhere near it. He has managed to do this more than once. He did it with Winter's Tale, taking an epic beautiful story and reducing it to 90 minutes of slush. Same with The Dark Tower. There is no way this could ever be a single movie in the first place, if anything it needs to be a series on the scale of Game of Thrones.
As far as the movie itself goes, the actor playing Jake was great, as was Idris Elba as Roland, but there was essentially no story to this film. Don't waste your time on it, read the books instead they are superb and worth the time and effort.
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
Atrocious, misogynistic, nonsense
Seriously, don't waste your time with this rubbish.
A weak story with ridiculous characters, someone wasted a lot of money on costumes and special effects without bothering to realise that the script was hogwash.
The beating up of Gretel about 2/3 of the way through was utterly gratuitous, ending with a potential gang rape - charming, NOT.
This is a nasty film, which didn't have enough tongue in cheek humour to lift it above the very bottom of the barrel.
If you want to see a fairy tale re-told in a movie, then watch Snow White and the Huntsman (although Kristen Stewart is, as usual, utterly miserable looking throughout).
Don't waste your time or money on this rubbish.
Glorious 39 (2009)
Don't waste your time or money
What a tragic waste of a fantastic cast. A great idea (aristocratic pro-appeasement in the lead up to and early days of WWII) completely butchered. Half of it made no sense, there were obviously hidden meanings but they were very well hidden.
Spoilers everywhere... Who were the undertakers digging up/burying sacks in the ruined abbey? And what were they burying/digging up? A strange man wearing a bowler hat cycling around the Norfolk countryside, why? If they were going to kill Ann anyway, why not do it after they have drugged her? The final revelation - she's still alive, wow! Christopher Lee's character was all of 12 during the main story and his brother was a baby, what was the point of any of it. I can't think of anything else to fill out this review, other than to say, if you are tempted to rent or buy this movie, don't bother, there are way better films out there. Atonement, for one which is vastly superior in every respect.
Monsters (2010)
Loved it, not what it says on the box, better than that
Beautiful cinematography, great locations. For the cost of this film, it was excellent. Perhaps it was mis-advertised which explains the many annoyed reviewers here - Transformers it was not. I liked the 2 characters, great chemistry, explained later when I read they were married only a couple of months prior to shooting. CGI was amazing considering it was done in the director's bedroom. For an improvised script it held up well.
(Big Spoiler alert) Another item missed by many was that the opening shot of the film was actually the final scene, the clue was the soldier singing the tune of Ride of the Valkyries on the way to pick them up.
I would recommend it to anyone not wanting to see a high octane explosion ridden blockbuster.
The Eagle (2011)
What a load of tosh, don't waste your money
I'm only giving this 3 because of the spectacular Scottish scenery. Seriously, this was the biggest load of old nonsense I have seen in a long time. What were the Last of the Mohicans crossed with N'avi doing in Scotland 2000years ago?!?!? I haven't read the book, but it sounds like it is a good thing the author is no longer with us, poor woman is probably spinning in her grave. Awful characters and a ridiculous dialogue. Complete nonsense, do not watch this movie. The legion of the ninth is a good enough story not to have been turned into this tripe. As one of the other reviewers kindly pointed out how come those defending their homeland were the 'bad' guys? American imperialists masquerading as Romans.
Out of the Blue (2006)
Absolutely superb
Chilling and real. This is a standout amongst some great NZ films. Shot superbly on location, letting the facts tell the story. Such a tragedy could not have been portrayed any better. No explanation given for the events, simply a true story well told. Karl Urban showing great talent once more as the local policeman. Fantastic cinematography, the interspersed shots of tranquil beaches juxtaposed with the outright horror of what was taking place. A simple human story well worth watching. NZ cinema is alive and well and kicking Hollywood's butt when it comes to telling real stories well. Understated presentation of the facts, see this film.
Seven Pounds (2008)
Sounded good, but on closer inspection...?
Who does he think he is? The character of Ben is basically playing God. After being such a dickhead to cause the accident in the first place, including killing his partner who is sitting next to him without a seat belt on, he gets to choose who lives or dies. I thought at the time the movie was moving, but the more I think about it the less I like it. If he had killed 7 people through his own thoughtlessness he should at least be in prison for manslaughter, but no, he's out there choosing people to try to atone for his mistakes. All wrong. I love Will Smith as an actor, but the entire premise of this film stinks. If you want to donate parts of you to others when you die, you don't get to choose who they go to. Who are you to judge who is good and who is not? In my opinion, don't bother with this film. I've just watched "Out of the Blue" a Kiwi movie about a true story, the contrast is incredible. Hollywood, take note and get back to the drawing board.
Japanese Story (2003)
I should have known better
Having some years ago watched the equally dreadful "Road to Nhill" I should have know better before going to see this incomprehensible tale of woe from the same writers. Sucked in by the hype of rave reviews at Cannes and currently living in the Pilbara, myself and my partner thought it would be a stand out film. How wrong we were.
Sitting in the cinema in Karratha (which was in the film for about 5 seconds) the local audience was cracking themselves up throughout the film, during parts of the film which, I am sure were not supposed to be funny.
I echo other comments regarding the lack of explanation as to why they were both there. It's no wonder they got bogged in the sand with Toni's character driving like a complete idiot. For a geologist the character had no idea about travelling in remote places. As for her reaction to his death - what was all that about.
Sorry, Toni, you obviously put a lot into it, but it was wasted on a senseless story and appalling script. The stand out star was the landscape up here which is truly incredible.
2/10