negativec07 Reviews

The Haunting of Bly Manor (2020)

A brilliant 2 hour film becomes a 9 hour slog.

[5/10 · 24 October 2020]

The Haunting of Bly Manor starts extremely strongly. The first two episodes are full of subtle camera work and background detail that really build that sense of unease and dread. Unfortunately, it soon becomes obvious they don't have enough story to fill a 9 hour runtime. There are so many storylines that often take up entire episodes and have absolutely no bearing on the ending. Without going into spoilers, we get the back stories of every single character, and only two of them are relevant. There are also plot details that are dropped completely and just never mentioned again.

Another quite distracting point is that the series is supposedly set in 1980's England, but feels nothing like it. Half the characters speak and dress as if they're from the 50's, the other half from the present day. The accents are pretty poor as well, with one character constantly switching from American to Irish. Slow burn horror can be incredibly effective, but there is a big difference between building suspense and wasting time, with Bly Manor very much falling into the latter.

Doom: Annihilation (2019)

Exceed My (Very Low) Expectations

[5/10 · 31 July 2020]

Even as a big fan of the games, and the 2005 film being a guilty pleasure, I went into this with absolutely zero expectations given its almost universally negative reception. Whilst this is by no means a good film, it ended up being surprisingly better than I was expecting. The plot generally follows the games, where scientists on Mars' Phobos moon create a teleporter that unwittingly allows an army (well, 3 or 4) demons through. A small military squad gets sent to investigate, you can guess the rest.

The effects and cgi aren't too bad considering the very limited budget, but the props and scenery are where the cheapness really shows through. It's very obvious that they only had 1 monster suit, about 5 people playing zombies and 3 sets, which they use multiple times with different lighting. The guns look like they're made of plastic and the uniforms are like something from a paintball game. But despite it's many, many problems, it does at least feel like they tried with what little resources they had. There are a fair few references to the game, some which work and some that feel completely shoehorned in (such as the "I'm your ultra nightmare" line). Ultimately though it kept me reasonably entertained for 90 minutes, so can't really ask for more than that.

Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior (2003)

A (bone) cracking good film

[8/10 · 31 July 2006]

Asian martial arts films have enjoyed a renaissance over the last decade or so, with films such as Fearless or Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon enjoying success not seen since Bruce Lee's heyday. However, these films have marked a shift from realism, granting their protagonists supernatural athletic abilities. Ong-Bak on the other hand comes in with a much more gritty, realistic style, and is all the better for it.

The problem I've always had with movies such as Crouching Tiger or Hero, is that, whilst undeniably fascinating or even beautiful to watch, it takes away from the characters. If someone can fly through the air or jump to the top of a tree, they cease being human; if someone can do this you never feel the character is in any real danger (this also applies to a lot of Hollywood films too by the way.) I know nothing of martial art styles or disciplines, so apologies for any factual errors in this review, but I do enjoy watching a good scrap. This film delivers in spades.

If however you are looking for a strong, original plot, then you're in for a disappointment. All the usual clichés are here; the reluctant hero, the wise master telling him not to use his skills in anger, the wheelchair bound baddie and his silent psychopathic right hand man. Thing is though, it doesn't matter; it's not what this film is about. That's not to say it's completely one dimensional, as our heroes are likable, the script well written and the camera work excellent. It's certainly not a family friendly film either, with strong language, violence and a gritty drug overdose scene. I see this as a good thing however; it again helps to make the film more believable. However, a martial arts film lives or dies on its fight sequences, and Ong-Bak has some of the best I've seen in quite some time. There's no fancy wire work here, everything is 'full-contact', with characters really going for each other. Our hero is not some kind of invincible one man army either, taking his fare share of punishment. Utilising various martial arts styles, there are some truly incredible moves pulled off on a regular basis, showcased by superb camera work. Not only do you see every impact, you hear and feel it as well, punches kicks and throws connecting with gut wrenching force.

Add to this a thumping soundtrack and a two disc DVD rammed with excellent features, Ong-Bak stands as one of the best of its genre that I have seen in quite some time. Although I'd never heard of lead man Tony Jaa before, I will certainly be watching some more of his films. Essential viewing for anyone with but a passing interest.

Battlefield Earth (2000)

Not as bad as you'd feared. It's worse

[2/10 · 29 July 2006]

A lot has been written on this film, both before and after its release. Whoever said there was no such thing as bad publicity obviously hasn't heard of this. Prior to it's release, there was controversy over both its Scientology background, with fears being raised as to possible subliminal messages, and from the producers, talking of a film that would top Star Wars. Neither George Lucas nor concerned parents need have lost any sleep.

After bombing on its release, amidst the sound of critical panning, Battlefield Earth still remains at the front of people's minds, but for the very wrong reasons. Having watched this film properly for the first time a few days ago, I can finally see what the fuss was all about.

Quite simply, this is a textbook example of how not to make a film, a perfect showcase of everything that is wrong with big budget Hollywood. This movie fails on a quite astonishing amount of levels, making you wonder how anyone involved could sit back and say 'Yep, that's the one.' At least you could argue that small budget movies have an excuse for being rubbish, as they can't hire top name actors or production crew. It's incredible to think a post-Pulp Fiction Travolta or Forest Whitaker actually came within a million miles of this (well, apart from the whole Scientology thing.) So, where to begin? Well for a start, the script is simply wretched. The acting is similarly bad, although you have to wonder if any actor could turn in a decent performance reading those lines. Then there is the question of the directing and editing, the latter being quite possibly the worst I have ever seen. Continuity was all over the place; for example on one scene Barry Pepper falls over (incidentally, he spends the entire moving doing that, running away or grimacing) near some steel pipes, yet lands in a patch of open ground. Or he runs into a forest, yet a few seconds later he appears to be in a quarry. That's before we even get to the pointless slow motion, the way lightning changes in between scenes, or the weird camera angles. Storyline, believability or scientific credibility you say? Well, here are but a few errors in the film; fires burn when there is no oxygen, guns destroy scenery yet only stun people, the alien baddies switch between English and alien language randomly, cities seem to have been abandoned for a decade, let alone a millennia, in one scene it's snowing yet the next it's the middle of summer, and so on. Perhaps the way the cavemen speak perfect English, yet can't understand what a square or a half is.

The aliens aren't any more impressive mind you. Called the Psychlos (clever huh? Never would've guessed they were the baddies) and absolutely definitely not bearing any resemblance to a certain Star Trek race, they are so stupid you wonder how they can walk and talk at the same time, let alone conquer the galaxy. Apparently stripping the galaxy bare of gold, they somehow conspire to miss Fort Knox. They think men are savages, yet live in the remains of cities and even visit a library. They really should've watched some old James Bond films as well, as they could've learned a few things about hiding your plans from your adversary.

Now you might think this is a pretty damning list, but I haven't even got to the best bits. The caveman flying the harriers at the end will surely go down in movie folklore, facing stiff competition from the cow shooting scene, or the 'falling through 4 plates of glass' part. It goes beyond being one of those films that is so bad it's good, and transcends to a whole new plain of great-badness. Even the special effects range from average to rubbish, with the dome breaking at the end reminiscent of an early Playstation game. Good points? Well there were a few nice scenery shots. For the above reasons, and more I simply don't have the space to go into, I recommend everybody see this film, especially those who want to get involved in the film industry. It's a perfect example of what not to do.

Incidentally, this film doesn't play properly on my DVD player. Perhaps its trying to tell me something?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

Totally uninteresting

[5/10 · 1 June 2004]

****possible spoilers****

I will admit beforehand that I have not seen the other 2 films, or read any of the books. Also, I went into the cinema fulling expecting not to like this film at all (but then again I thought that with Lord of the Rings and ended up loving it.) However, having just got back from watching the film, my over-riding emotion is one of confusion.

Even my friend who's read the books agreed that the film made no sense. One moment Black is an evil scheming baddie, the next he's a hero. Eh? What was the point in that glowing horse? How did Black manage to escape and remain undetected in the first place? Does that bully actually have anything useful to do? If you've read the book then you'll know the answers. If you haven't, you'll sit there wondering just what the hell is going on.

My main gripe against the film is that nothing ever actually happens. A few under-developed plot strings amble on towards the (anti) climax, with an especially lame werewolf making its not-so-scary appearance towards the end. Put simply, the film goes nowhere and has nothing to say - characters are barely developed at all. By the way, its blatantly obvious who the werewolf is - just listen out for the characters surnames.

Being boring is perhaps the worst crime any film can commit, especially one that is aimed at kids. Yes I know I'm a 21 year old male and hence not in the films target demographics. But the secret of good kids movies is that they are enjoyable to all ages (for example Finding Nemo or Ice Age). Harry Potter is just plain dull. Poorly scripted, poorly acted (apart from Alan Rickman - who is always brilliant per se) and poorly edited. If you're a 10 year old Harry Potter fanatic I guess you might enjoy it a bit more, but then again you'll see the movie regardless of what anyone says. I wish I could've spent my money seeing Troy or the Day After Tomorrow again. I'm sure Harry Potter and it's inevitable sequels will do just fine at the box office though. Now, where did I leave my Return of the King DVD........

Executive Decision (1996)

Above average action movie

[7/10 · 1 June 2004]

The words 'Steven Segal' would be enough to put most people off a film, even action buffs. For this I can't really blame them. But don't do this with Executive Decision, you'll miss out on a good movie.

Film starts off with a suicide bomber blowing up a London restaurant (I bet the filmmakers didn't realize just how accurate that scene would be.....) When a group of terrorists capture a Washington bound 747 demanding the release of their leader, a special forces team led by Segal is assigned to board the plane in mid air via a F-117. Ok it sounds rubbish, but bear with me on this one........

This films success rests on 2 factors. First of all, Steven Segal isn't in it for long and isn't his usual 'no-one Can lay a punch on my character' type. Also the main reason I enjoyed this movie is that instead of the goodies simply walking on board and blasting dozens of terrorists to kingdom come, the film actually relies on suspense and the teams attempts to go undetected. The ending spoilt it slightly for me by going too over the top, but that aside I have few complaints.

7/10

Spiders (2000)

Oh dear.......

[31 May 2004]

You would think that statistically speaking, one day I will watch one of the 'Hollywood DVD' series and it turns out to be quite a good film. But after watching this one, I'm still waiting (although at a measly £1 for 4 films, I can't complain too much).

Of course you don't need a massive budget to make a good film. You don't even need a Pulitzer winning script, but Spiders suffers the exact same problems as all of these cheapy sci-fi films. The scened rate scripts barely carry the film along, until the special fx come into play, which are always so bad you either sit there laughing or turn off. Take Aliens for example - a brilliant tension filled film, which barely ever shows the actual aliens.

Story involves a nosy journalist from the college paper coming across a crashed space shuttle, complete with hideously deformed astronauts. They stow away in a truck and manage to get into some kind of secret military installation (seemingly populated by 3 scientists). Without giving too much of the the plot away the arachnids are soon let loose, first in the base then back in town.

I can't write a review without mentioning the ending however. Nasty government man flies in to college in his helicopter (with a rocket launcher on the back seat, obviously) and no one bats an eyelid. Big momma spider also grows from the size of a football to the size of a house in all of 30 seconds. So to sum up; poor scripts, poor effects, poor characters, poor film. But hey, at least it was cheap.

Shark Attack (1999 TV Movie)

Technically I can't comment on this film....

[31 May 2004]

....as my DVD player stopped playing it after about an hour. I am in no doubt however it was doing me a favour, saving me before my brain had totally rotted. Luckily I did get to see the car chase, which contains quite possibly the worst editing I have ever seen in my life (the police are driving and old Alfa Romeo 33, which suddenly changes to a mark 1 Ford Sierra, then back to an Alfa, then crashes as a Sierra! Do these people even watch the film when they've finished making it? The cars don't even look remotely similar!)

But I digress. As you've probably worked out by now I hate this film. Even if it has got Ernie Hudson in it (who will always be a God in my eyes for appearing in Ghostbusters.) Most of the movie has nothing to do with sharks, just corrupt cops. I guess they'd run out of money by this point so you get the good old 'z-list actor throwing themselves around in the water whilst someone lets off red food dye' trick. Unless your life depends on it, do not watch this film. And even then only do if you've got a lot to live for.....

Kickboxer (1989)

Certainly one of Van Damme's better movies

[7/10 · 31 May 2004]

I normally agree with IMDB ratings, but this is an exception - it's definitely under-rated. Yes the story is a bit cheesy, but thats not the reason you watch something like this. Van Damme at least attempts to add a bit of depth and humility to his character rather than just playing the invincible Steven Segal type. It all moves along at a good pace as well, with several good fight scenes, the climatic fight is superb. The perfect Saturday night with mates films - you'll find it hard not to cheer Van Damme on.

One thing I will say against it however is the soundtrack is absolutely awful. The very worst kind of 80's synth - so bad it's embarrassing.

Dead Heat (1988)

Rubbish. Yet strangely fun

[5/10 · 31 May 2004]

***Possible spoilers***

Lets not beat around the bush here; this is a pretty lame film. Unfunny humour, poor script and plot holes so large you could sail an oil tanker through (for example, the rest of the cops show up at the lab yet fail to notice the dead zombie right next to Rogers body, or the resurrection machine). There are also a couple of very poor in jokes (Dante pharmaceuticals and Roger's surname being Moritiss).

The only thing I could say I definitely liked were the action sequences, which are quite well done (especially the butchers shop - the one good idea in the whole film). Yet despite all this, I still enjoyed this movie. I can't quite explain why - I wasn't even drunk. If you're prepared to put your brain in neutral for 90 minutes and there really is nothing else on, you could do worse than giving this one a go.

Bloody Wednesday (1987)

So bad it's not even funny

[1/10 · 25 November 2003]

Well out of all the movies I've ever seen this is the worst, the lowest of the low. The acting is worse than your average primary school play, and school kids could have written a better script. After half hour I turned it off and have never bothered to watch the end. If I ever find who made this I will bill them for the 30 minutes of my life I lost. I want them back.

Day of the Dead (1985)

A let down

[6/10 · 30 October 2003]

I really enjoyed Night and Dawn, but Day was a real disappointment. The main problem with the film is that it's too slow and talky. This wouldn't be a problem if the script was good, but it isn't. I didn't like any of the characters, who spend more time fighting with each other than they do the zombies (why can people in zombie films never ever get along? Adversity is supposed to bring people closer!) To be honest I couldn't care less who ended up as zombie chow. On the other hand the special effects were good, but I'd rather just watch Dawn again to be honest.

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

Beyond awful

[1/10 · 24 August 2003]

This is without a doubt the worst and most unfunny comedy I've ever seen. I raised a smile once throughout the movie, everything else was terrible. Don't get me wrong I like teen and gross-out movies but this one was beyond the pale. How can jokes about child abuse be funny? The only character I liked was his dad, and I was hoping he'd just smack Tom Green so the movie would finish. I've seen some real shockers in my time, but this is the worst. Avoid this movie at all costs.

The Dead Pit (1989)

Better than I expected

[14 August 2003]

I brought this on DVD expecting a stinker, but this turned out to be much better than your average low budget zombie flick. Perhaps the biggest shock is that the acting is actually quite good! It's hardly award winning, but its enough to keep you interested and actually caring about who lives and dies. Make up is well done and you'll forget this film was shot on a tight budget (except the blatant model water tower at the end). The film also managed to steer away from most of the usual horror cliches as well (except the small bit of pointless nudity). All in all, I'd recommend this to horror fans, you could do a lot worse.